disappointed in humanity

i don't know why after 28 years on this planet i still have expectations that are this high.  i am constantly let down and disappointed of promises to be different.
"we wont be the 'mean girls' that you were friends with before.  we hate those types." 
"i'm not like other guys.  i really do just want to be friends." 
"we totally have to hang out more!  you're like the one girl i can get along with."
"i care about you."

oh humanity how you disappoint me on so many levels.  if being a hermit were an option, i might just do it.  there are a few people that have surprised me with how they've come out of the woodwork and been the most amazing, supportive people that i never knew i should count on.  those that promised and swore and gave me very sweet and lofty things to chew on..... well assholes, i choked and gagged and threw up your bullshit, so take THAT!

im so sick of headache and heartache.  it's like a drank a bottle of tequilla and woke up 4 hours later to go to work.  it just feels disgusting and there's no fun involved.

god damn liars and selfish pricks.  everyone takes what they want from me when they need it and when i just want someone to be around, they vanish as if i have used up every last ounce of their supply of "person."  how tiring it must be to be so popular and needed.  

i give up on you humanity.  you all promise the same and deliver the same- empty nonsense.

heartache

i wish i knew what i did to make you stop talking to me.
i wish i knew why you lied the way you did.
i wish i knew why you didnt care at all when i told you how i felt.
my heart hurts so much.
you promised to be so much more and in turn, you are so much less.

it's amazing how empty you make me feel
when i wait hours to hear from you
and some bullshit response is more than enough
it sends me to the moon

it's amazing how used you make me feel
when all you want  is touch touch and kiss
it's not to say i dont want it to
but there's got to be more than this

it's amazing how drained you make me
it's amazing i'm still here
it's amazing how tired you leave me
it's amazing i still care

it's amazing how little i trust you now
the words you carelessly say
i'm not sure what other girl
gets talked to the same way

it's amazing how lonely you make me
hanging on every last refrain
waiting for your next sugar coated line
to send me off to space

it's amazing how much i like you
it's amazing im not so sane
it's amazing how far i feel i've gotten
it's amazing i'm here again

my dear, you feel so permanent

i feel like i've been waiting
for you for a while. 
the feeling is so strange
and yet i want more

im haunted by songs
that make me want you nearby
and it's never intentional
just a friendly reminder



i wouldnt say that this is ideal
or how i thought things would be
i never planned for this
this simply isnt my thing


you race through my mind
in ways i cant control
and in ways i wish
would slow down or cease. 

all i can say is
i hope im not making a mistake
in testing out the waters
and seeing if this is right


i see sorrow and sadness in one future
and smiles and possibilities on the other
yet moving  in a direction has me paralyzed
i dont want to go the wrong way

i feel like i've been waiting for something
for someone kinda like you
i feel like i can breathe and be at ease
just for a minute til it's time to move

maybe for once im supposed to
just enjoy the moment im in,
hold your hand and take a breath
and take it all from there...

post it notes are helpful reminders

oh the things you remind me of!
why i need to be alone
why i should always keep my guard up
and never let it fall

oh the things you remind me of!
why i should set the pace so slow
why i should always walk instead of run
i guess now i know

oh the things you remind me of!
why i should turn a deaf ear
why i should keep my senses off
to all you think you are

oh the things you remind me of!
why i hate and curse and blame
why i enjoy solace in every hour
to keep my heart from pain

oh the things you remind me of!
why i never should believe
the lying shit coming from your lips
it happened again to me

lines from a script

i waited on you all nite to say hello
waited for a while but you never did show
i waited on you all nite to notice me
waited for forever but it never came to be

so i walked home alone with the breeze
softly touching all the places i wanted you to be
whispering sweet nothings in my ear
making me feel not so alone right here

i stood beneath the moonlight sky
hung on your porch just for a little while
maybe you'd be home i thought inside
but the lights were off, so i drove away

i laid awake in bed, it was 3 am
alone and sad, cos i missed you friend
you never came like you said you would
all the things you said are now no good

i reread every letter that you ever sent
the words seem so staged, not so present tense
not sure what to believe from your filthy lips
i'll shut my eyes to ignore all this bitterness

that's what i get for believing you
for trusting any word you said as true
i'll burn the notes you wrote and letters sent
every line you stole straight from a movie script

i'm better off, you're not what you seemed
your little game, i was just another piece
your ego has you flying high and far away from me
i'm better off without your flattery

oh irrational me

the places my mind goes
are sometimes not so safe
friendless faces, quickened paces
i need a better place

the places my heart goes
are sometimes just so plain
barren wasteland, i've got no plan
on how to get away

oh irrational me
how you do me wrong
oh rational me
you turn my sorrows into songs
but irrational me
you have seem to have overtaken
what was left of me lyin here

the places my words go
are sometimes not so bad
soapbox dancing, sometimes laughing
i expected so much less

the places my love goes
is sometimes far away
from where my hands can quickly reign it
back into my hiding place


oh irrational me
how you do me wrong
oh rational me
you turn my sorrows into songs
but irrational me
you have seem to have overtaken
what was left of me lyin here

these scars upon my knees

my head is aching from the words
you've beaten in my brain
my body's tired from the blood
lost and down the drain

all these crazy thoughts
have led me to believe
i'm better off on my own
than to keep on listening

do i go down with the ship
or jump before it sinks?
my mind's racing in the moment
no time left to think
 i've forgotten how to swim
and the fear envelopes me
either way im going down
to the bottom of the sea

and every kiss feels
like an empty page
stained with the words
you feel you have to say

and every touch feels
like a slap to the face
stinging with resentment
full of hurt and pain

do i go down with the ship
or jump before it sinks?
my mind's racing in the moment
no time left to think
 i've forgotten how to swim
and the fear envelopes me
either way im going down
to the bottom of the sea

i try to run away from this
but fall on everything
it's hard to run far from this
with these scars upon my knees