life: an eternal high school

i dont even know if anyone reads these things but sometimes i feel it ever so necessary to just get my thoughts down and out of my crowded brain.
for anyone like me, you werent the popular kid ever.  and i mean ever.  i cant remember having hoards of friends growing up.  just a few close ones that stuck by me through merciless teasing and school yard brawls.  yes whoever is reading this, i got into some fisticuffs in my hayday. 

i just feel like my adulthood has become a never ending reminder of high school.  all these social mediums we parade ourselves around on are probably the worst at it... lets start back at the beginning.  remember when instant messages were the thing to be doing.  i remember being 15 and staying up til the wee hours of the morning talking to strangers and friends..... the popularity contest then was who had more contacts than who.  then it moved onto things like friendster and myspace and now the ever popular facebook.  it's about how many friends you have, how many comments you get on your status update or new pictures every day, who posts on your wall and shows you they love you.... then things like twitter come into play and its all about how many followers you have, or even things such as this blog..... i dont think anyone reads it and it says i have a few followers.....but only a few.

why are these things held in such high merit?  why is life an eternal reminder of the childish antics of my former years when i had no idea how to dress myself, was chubby and wore glasses, and fell up the stairs almost on a daily basis?  why do i still feel like that dorky 14 year old who came home alone after school and didn't really have many people to hang out with or talk to and those that i did hang out with my mom disapproved of because they had pink hair and liked nirvana? 

sometimes i feel like my words fall into an endless void and no one can hear me.  sometimes i feel like the forgotten kid in the back of the classroom just wishing the "popular kids" would say hi to me.  sometimes i wonder who else feels like this though.  i never know who had the same past as i did.  i mean, i look at the kids that picked on me all through grade school and high school and they are overweight losers .... well most of them.  most of them made nothing for themselves because they were too vain to look forward and see that their good looks would not bring them the best things in life.  other times though, i feel like i am screaming out for approval from people that don't even matter at all.  i cant tell you how many people i have deleted out of my phone or off facebook at times like these because i just have this sudden "a-ha" moment where i realize that these idiots dont determine my value and if they cant see how fucking amazing i am then i don't need them dragging me down.  then moments where i feel dejected and alone come around and i find myself yearning for someone's approval and return to these morons only to have them block me or ignore me completely....

how i wish i could have grown up better.  i wish i could still just grow up.  why is my mindset plagued with this juvenile behavior?  if i have but 3 good friends in my life, wouldnt that be better than 2987 people that just want to know me?  but at the same time i find myself yearning to do something great that would make 2987 people want to know me.  i feel like i havent achieved anything or reached my greatest potential.  i feel like my ideas and desires have fallen on dry soil and deaf ears.  fuck, i dont think my therapist really gave a shit about what i had to say...

where does this leave me?  on a day like today, it leaves me eating lunch alone in the bathroom stall where no one can see me.  tomorrow, quite possibly it brings me saying hi to someone i never met before.  the day after that, maybe i cut class with my new friend and go get coffee.... i really couldnt say.  i'm just coming to realize that no matter how hard i try to escape it, no matter how fast i run or try not to look back, life will forever and always be an eternal high school.

a goal, a challenge, a dream

watched julie & julia about 2 times in one sitting.  this movie made me feel good.  i feel so much like julia child in the beginning.  here she goes trying all these different things when all she really wants to do is cook.  and there is julie with this crap job and half completed goals and a love of cooking.  they both set out with goals and face intense struggle and upset.  but they both have a support system and an amazing drive that help them through til the end.
i need a goal.  i need a challenge.  i need something that keeps me going.  i gave up on guitar because it drained me.  i cant do bjj right now because i might need knee surgery.  what can i do?

i dont think i have taken care of myself in so long.  my hair is a rats nest.  i am overtired.  i am in a field i like at a job that's not entirely what i want to do.  i want to go back to school but keep getting the "NO."  i want healthy relationships and friendships but seem to keep hitting brick walls and dead ends.  i want the joy and smile that i see on julia's face when she cooks. 

i wonder what makes me happy.  i wonder what would bring that light back to my eyes.  i think i care too much about what everyone else wants for me and what everyone else thinks about me to just go and do.  i have a busy life.  i am a mom, a homeowner, and i work.  but shouldnt i too be able to be happy?  shouldnt i too be allowed to have that spark of life that gets me going every morning?

maybe its time i spend time focusing on me, finding what makes me tick and breathe again.  maybe its time i spend less time worrying about everyone else and just worry about me, making myself smile and feel alive.....
now where to begin?

epic fail for small man

i really hate people stuffing crap into my mailbox.  i think i still have some jehovah's witness pamphlets littering my front stairs and a phone book in a bag that has now become a trash bag on my front stoop (yeah kinda trashy i know im just lazy).  well, i come into my living room from the kitchen to see some doucher running off my front stoop with pamphlets in hand and instead of being a decent person to open the gate and go down the stairs, he jumps the fence..... ordinarily i'd just be like "ok whatever" and turn away, but i couldnt.  i let out a HUGE laugh when said doucher fell flat on his FACE after hopping the fence.  EPIC FAIL LITTLE MAN!  EPIC FAIL!  i got some much needed entertainment for the day!

like a princess locked in a tower

maybe it's cos i'm nearing the end of my late twenties or maybe it's because i am a realist, or MAYBE it's cos it's 4 in the morning and i'm running on no sleep, but i am at my wits end with "love."

books, movies, music, tv..... all of these bullshit mediums to remind me what "love" should look like and it never does.  maybe i'm in the wrong scenario.  maybe someone out there will be sweet to me and help me and love me how deep down i know i should be.....
and don't get me wrong.  i'm not into this anti-feminist crap where i think a guy needs to spoil a girl rotten, nor am i on the side of the fence where a girl should be totally self-reliant.  maybe i have projected that i am so strong that i don't need anyone.  maybe i give off the wrong impression.

for now, i feel like a princess locked away in a tower, slaving away during the day, only to go to bed empty and alone at night and repeat the cycle in the morning.  it sounds horrible and i'm probably expressing my feelings way worse in words than i actually feel. 

i've had the conversation with the males in my life many times about how i understand love and the few small and simple things that would remind me of my value to them.  somehow, after many a boyfriend have come and gone in my life, none of them get it.  is it something I'M doing wrong?  is my own perception so warped?  i don't think so....

all i want is a guy that wants to work hard for his family on and off the clock, that will take initiative in helping around the house, that will put his family before his hobbies, that wants to go places and do things and see the world, a guy that will be a MAN, a guy that will take chances and risks in order to better himself and grow, a guy that likes to be challenged, a man that isn't afraid or embarrassed to share his feelings or wear his heart on his sleeve, that knows how to show his lady that he loves her DAILY in the smallest and simplest of ways (and not just via sexual avenues), a guy that appreciates the little things that are done for him such as a home cooked meal or a clean house, a teammate and supporter, and as odd as it might seem, a guy that avoids fighting and will help quench an argument before it gets going.  does this person exist?

as i said, maybe it's something i'm doing wrong or maybe for the past 12 years i have just been with absolutely the wrong people for me.  maybe i've passed the good ones by in fear of change.  maybe i've let good ones go in my immaturity or have been too blind in my own sight.

i have a daughter now and i want a man that is a good example... i don't want her to settle for someone that won't go the extra mile for her.  i'm also tired of being afraid to move on and allow change to happen.  maybe i thrive too much on change, but i also know that i can't remember the last time i felt the giddiness i crave in a relationship....actually the best boyfriend i had was mike when i was 16.... i think i have never let anyone that close to me since. 

maybe my lack of satisfaction is due to my lack of letting people close...?  i dunno.  i do know that i'm tired of the way things are and have been for the past 3 years.... i do know i'm tired of the same conversations somehow pushed to the wayside because of a child and a mortgage and financial instability.  i do know that i am tired of rationalizing my feelings or having them be made to feel invalid.  why am i considered the crazy one for wanting change and trying to spur it on?  how many discussions on the same subject have to be had before any solutions are brought to the surface?  why is there an inconsistent pattern of positive change to backsliding?  i just dont get it.

as i said, maybe my standards are too high and this person i crave to be beside does not exist.  maybe they do and they are a famous person and i'll never meet them.  i just hope one day i get the chance to experience this feeling i crave.... not the honeymoon phase of a relationship where everything is shit grin perfect, but the 3 year mark where you're in the trenches with bombs flying in the background but still get lost in your partner's eyes and smile at the very sight of them....

yup, im a cheeseball, but this dear blog world are the very things my soul craves that i have been denying for so long in hopes of being "independent" and "strong."  what bullshit.  

Tornado Tears Up North Minneapolis

in my combined total of 8 years being a "minnesotan," i have never once seen a tornado.  i lived in some straight rural areas too and have seen the sky green, heard the sirens, and just seen a killer lightning storm.  today... today held something very different.

i'd worked the overnight shift until 11am.  i was tired, but had to watch audrey so josh could teach class at the gym up the street.  around 1pm, the rain subsided and audrey was pounding on the front door and trying to reach the doorknob to get out.  i figured i could let her run around the gym and get herself tired so we could both nap, so we walked over. 

not even an hour later, the wind picked up and the rain started coming down harder.  beau, a gym manager, informed josh that there was a tornado warning for the area.  josh being as skeptical as myself, brushed it off and kept class going on (in typical josh fashion).  brandon, a student, and myself walked over to the glass door and peered outside admiring how dark it was for 2pm.  the wind picked up more, the clouds were whizzing by, and the rain stopped.  in the distance we could see what we thought were birds only to both realize aloud at the same time that it was leaves and debris.  it was flying in a circular pattern and we realized we were staring at the tornado funnel itself.  beau started yelling "TORNADO" and the lights in the gym began flickering.  we all ran for the guy's locker room and josh went outside to unchain the backdoor and get it shut.  the sirens were going and all of us were crammed in next to lockers in a smelly room.  most of the guys wanted to train still so they just left after a minute and announced the sirens had stopped.

the rain began to come down in sheets and buckets.  somehow we got word that houses were destroyed in the 2 mile radius that surrounded us.  that potentially included my house!  i left audrey with josh, threw on my rain boots, and in the pouring rain, glasses and all... i ran.  i ran in front of cars and just kept running til i saw my block.  i could barely see through the raindrops that clung to my lenses.... but i didnt see any damage.
i ran back to the gym.  ADT called to tell me our alarm went off.... finally the rain died down, 3 pm hit and class was over.  we had a tough time getting home though.  apparently there was awful damage to the neighborhood and a baby had died.  the cops were blocking off intersections and streets....

we made it to our alley and i decided to get my camera and walk through the neighborhood.  i have never been more heartbroken and shocked in my life.  you always think, "i live in the cities.  i cant get hit by a tornado!"  boy oh boy were we ever wrong.  i posted pics on my facebook page of the damages to my neighborhood.  entire trees uprooted through peoples' homes, slabs of concrete uprooted with the trees, fences down, chunks of roof shingle scattered across lawns, chimney brick all over peoples' roofs....

some of the neighbor girls told me to go down a different way to see some real damage- roofs torn off houses, a gas station torn to bits.... i started down that way but the crackhead scene was getting a bit much for me and my canon, so i turned back to go home.  i was in my house barely a minute and heard gunshots.  since the cops were busy helping people navigate through the forest in the roads and help people in danger, chaos erupted.  gotta hand it to the northside.  even in the face of disaster and damages, gunshots!

we got off pretty easy though.  we got some minor flooding in our basement.... that's it.

what's scary is that audrey and i were supposed to be napping in the house and she had this urge to leave the house.  this isn't the first time either... she's got like a sixth sense for danger and always gets me out of the way.  my little angel.

i talked to some of the neighbors in the area.  everyone was ok but the damages were shocking.  one lady told me she and her daughter had arrived home 15 min BEFORE the tornado touched down.  a few girls we know in the neighborhood ignored the sirens and kept riding bikes at the school down the street until the wind started picking up in crazy speeds and got to safety just in the nick of time....

i am not a huge believer in God and religion but honestly, the damages missed my house by a 2 block radius on one end and a 1 block radius on the other.  we should have a messed up house right now.  we should have more than just some minor basement flooding.  audrey and i were supposed to have been in the house taking a nap when the sirens went off and the tornado touched down.  we werent though, and none of this stuff happened to us.  i consider us very very very lucky.  our power came back on after 3 hours, we had a great dinner on the grill since no electricity, and now all is calm.  it makes me scared though.  i'm wondering what's next.  i'm wondering if this is the beginning of the end....  i mean, a tornado tore up the northside.

a heavy heart

life has been full of it's ups and downs since i can remember.  so many emotions, so many life changes, people coming and going...
no one told me it would continue on into my late twenties.
no one told me it would feel worse with a child and a less than great relationship.

life gets lonely.

In Memory Of....

after i got booted out of a christian college for having "issues,"  i lost contact with a lot of people that were dear friends to me from said college and from my hometown.  some i am still in minor contact with through various social medias like facebook or email, but others.... others i have lost touch with completely and hear about their lives through friends of friends of friends.  yes, i feel snubbed and sad....  i mean, i shared my life with these people for my teenage years and my early adulthood years.  it hurts.  on one hand, i got judged mercilessly for not "being christian" and on the other hand, i put up quite a defensive barrier to not let anyone else hurt me too.  i went "down the bad path" and they went "down the good path" and i have yet to hear from them any longer and they obviously want nothing to do with me and make no attempts to see what my life is doing....
i have had some BIZARRE dreams about these people recently and just this morning, this song began flowing as easily as a morning pee.  lol, bad analogy but when you really gotta go it just flows.... and so did this.




IN MEMORY OF....

we said our good byes fairly long ago
and it all ended on a bad note
you threw some words pretty hatefully
my way....
i let you roll into the distance


old friend you live, so far away
you threw out any point of contact
let's just say, i miss your face
and smile....
i'll let you live on in my memories


we just went our ways
different countries
different places
we will never be
friends again,
you and me


i hear about your new life
through our old friends, about your wife
you've gone and grown and done your thing
it's pretty cool
but i still miss you my dear friend


i've got no way to say hello
to the new man you've become
i'll just hope you can read my thoughts
far away
i'll let you live on in my memories


we just went our ways
different countries
different places
we will never be
friends again,
you and me
i'll let you live on in my memories
i'll let you live on in my memories