im at my wits end with people. i assume the absolute best in everyone. i assume the best until .... STAB STAB STAB! ouch. i put myself out there like a human target, arms wide open, ready to embrace anyone and everyone and give until i have nothing left with whatever free time i can muster up..... and then.... PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH! ouch.
i think im just ready to give up on people. im tired of being let down, snubbed, and bailed on. im tired of people trying to spare my feelings or ignoring me completely. im tired of lies and flattery.
just wish people would be honest like i assume they are. maybe i just should start assuming the worst in everyone and then i wont be hurt so much when they let me down, lead me astray, or snub me completely.
i thought i left high school 10 years ago, but i guess it still carries on....
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
things could always be worse
i felt free for a moment. i had a direction, a course, a path i was going to follow regardless of the obstacle. then came the downpour. then also came some sunshine. then came some hail that gave me cuts and bruises.... and now i feel as if i am sitting on the side of the road admiring my battle wounds. current situations feel like salt being poured into the deepest ones. sometimes it's like im crying out in pain and more salt just keeps getting poured on. i'm being told it's for the better, that good things will come of it.... but all i feel right now is a stinging pain where my heart used to be.
i do the math and nothing adds up. i think back and regret my choices. i find myself thinking too long and too hard about things that are not as they somehow should be. my body feels heavy. my head feels hollow.
i know this is only a temporary train of thought though. it's 3 in the morning, i'm overtired and working overnight. of course melancholy drama is going to seep into whatever open pores are available.
i want better. i want to be genuinely happy. i want all the negative nancys out of my life and all the phonies and fakes away from me... i want to surround myself with happy people, with good people, with nice people. i dont want arguing and drama. i dont want dissension and blame round the clock. sometimes i feel as if i bear some unnamed guilt in my sleep... i would accept it if i believed it were true.
my thoughts are as loose and incoherent as someone that's put away one too many.
i should stop here before i say something i regret.
i do the math and nothing adds up. i think back and regret my choices. i find myself thinking too long and too hard about things that are not as they somehow should be. my body feels heavy. my head feels hollow.
i know this is only a temporary train of thought though. it's 3 in the morning, i'm overtired and working overnight. of course melancholy drama is going to seep into whatever open pores are available.
i want better. i want to be genuinely happy. i want all the negative nancys out of my life and all the phonies and fakes away from me... i want to surround myself with happy people, with good people, with nice people. i dont want arguing and drama. i dont want dissension and blame round the clock. sometimes i feel as if i bear some unnamed guilt in my sleep... i would accept it if i believed it were true.
my thoughts are as loose and incoherent as someone that's put away one too many.
i should stop here before i say something i regret.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
optimism paid off
i made it a birthday goal to make 28 a year of thinking positively, of making better and healthier mental and physical changes in my life, and so far, it's been rough. i wanted to get on here and just type long stories of how i have conquered the demons in my brain pushing me to think such negative and sad things. i want to say that my life is unfolding in the most positive light and everything is coming up sunshine and daffodils. but no. dear reader, no.
things have been much harder than i anticipated. things started off much more heavy than i would have liked. but that's life i suppose. things are not always going to be smiley faces and shiny stars or go the exact way i want or have planned. unfortunately life is like a carousel full of creepy horses, scary music, and constant up and downs being controlled by a short fat carnie that wont stop the damn ride.
i have been making a more conscious effort to think positively. i can sometimes have a really shit attitude. i think the universe is against me. i think people hate me. i think no one wants to be around me and everything is going to go horribly wrong. i have this like apocalyptic mindset where i'm trying to prepare for the worst, for every natural disaster before it's even happened. i try to brace myself for the fall that just may be coming.
it is SO stressful to live like that! good grief! all my efforts are spent stressing myself out about things that haven't yet happened and might not. i never just enjoy the moment and embrace what is. and i miss out on a lot. i miss out on SO much.
well, today, i didnt. i went to work tired, cranky, and with the weight of my own personal world on my shoulders. i went with not the best attitude at all to deal with 6 residents that need a lot of attention and one on one care. i walked through the door with a headache, tired, and really not having the urge to be there. and then, i dug in deep, and had a pretty fun night. i let the weight of the outside world come off, let my guard down, and actually.... had fun! i laughed, i watched "The Music Man" with a resident, ate a cookie, and ... i laughed. i enjoyed the company of my coworkers. i enjoyed the company of my residents. and i noticed, one particular resident i was paired with was a lot more helpful today than normal. i wasnt anticipating the worst, and she gave me the best!
28 is going to be a life-altering year.
things have been much harder than i anticipated. things started off much more heavy than i would have liked. but that's life i suppose. things are not always going to be smiley faces and shiny stars or go the exact way i want or have planned. unfortunately life is like a carousel full of creepy horses, scary music, and constant up and downs being controlled by a short fat carnie that wont stop the damn ride.
i have been making a more conscious effort to think positively. i can sometimes have a really shit attitude. i think the universe is against me. i think people hate me. i think no one wants to be around me and everything is going to go horribly wrong. i have this like apocalyptic mindset where i'm trying to prepare for the worst, for every natural disaster before it's even happened. i try to brace myself for the fall that just may be coming.
it is SO stressful to live like that! good grief! all my efforts are spent stressing myself out about things that haven't yet happened and might not. i never just enjoy the moment and embrace what is. and i miss out on a lot. i miss out on SO much.
well, today, i didnt. i went to work tired, cranky, and with the weight of my own personal world on my shoulders. i went with not the best attitude at all to deal with 6 residents that need a lot of attention and one on one care. i walked through the door with a headache, tired, and really not having the urge to be there. and then, i dug in deep, and had a pretty fun night. i let the weight of the outside world come off, let my guard down, and actually.... had fun! i laughed, i watched "The Music Man" with a resident, ate a cookie, and ... i laughed. i enjoyed the company of my coworkers. i enjoyed the company of my residents. and i noticed, one particular resident i was paired with was a lot more helpful today than normal. i wasnt anticipating the worst, and she gave me the best!
28 is going to be a life-altering year.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
another year gone
every birthday i sort of just sit and reflect on the year past and debate whether or not i made good use of it. it all started when i turned 19. i had been extremely suicidal and depressed most of my adolescence. one year, all my friends that i had come to know in my new "homestate" were out of town or out of the country, so i was pretty much alone. i took a walk to a bridge and stared out at the water. i started thinking about jumping. i began to think about drowning. and then something cracked me upside the head and i realized, i'd made it another year. maybe my life wasn't perfect or exactly where i wanted it, but i'd made it. i didnt quit.
since then, every year i make sure i spend some time by myself and just reflect on the past year and see where i'm at. sometimes it's a rude awakening, other times i feel very proud and accomplished.
so .... 27. what a rough year. it was a total blur. i was learning how to be a mommy and be a working mommy at that. i made a lot of life changing decisions. i quit a semi-stable job with pretty decent income to take a pay cut to be able to go back to school. but after years of griping and complaining, i'm there. i start in october. i grew a lot personally i think. some of that i attribute to being a parent and having to be a grown up even when i just want to lash out like a child or act inappropriately. i came to terms with a lot of things about me i never wanted to face or deal with before. i cowered. i caved. i gave in to fear. i made new friends. i lost a ton of weight. i grew more confident and then had all that confidence run into hiding.
so this year... 28....
what will become of me this year?
well, for starters, i'm going back to school and should be done before i'm 30. i am working on saving money so i can go do things i want to do for a change. i am being more forward and direct with what i want and not having any shame about it. i am going to ask for help. i am going to learn to love who i am, body and all. i am going to work hard and strive for better. i'm not going to settle for things because they are convenient. i see big changes on the horizon. big things and better things. i dont know in what areas of my life they'll come, but i feel as if chapters are closing and as much as i enjoyed reading that same chapter over and over, it's time to move on so i can finish the book before it's due back at the library and i get charged an astronomical fee. this year, i am going to be "selfish." i am going to make sure that i get ME time. i'm not going to feel guilty for it. i am a great mom, i work hard, and do a lot. i deserve it. im going to stick up for myself this year and not get walked all over and taken advantage of. i dont deserve that.
this is a year i dont want to waste on pessimism and anger. this is a year i dont want to wallow in self pity and sadness. this is a year that i want to be productive and meaningful. this is a year i have no shame in the person that i am and am becoming. this is a year that i accept me for me. this is a year for change and for better things. this is going to be a good year.
since then, every year i make sure i spend some time by myself and just reflect on the past year and see where i'm at. sometimes it's a rude awakening, other times i feel very proud and accomplished.
so .... 27. what a rough year. it was a total blur. i was learning how to be a mommy and be a working mommy at that. i made a lot of life changing decisions. i quit a semi-stable job with pretty decent income to take a pay cut to be able to go back to school. but after years of griping and complaining, i'm there. i start in october. i grew a lot personally i think. some of that i attribute to being a parent and having to be a grown up even when i just want to lash out like a child or act inappropriately. i came to terms with a lot of things about me i never wanted to face or deal with before. i cowered. i caved. i gave in to fear. i made new friends. i lost a ton of weight. i grew more confident and then had all that confidence run into hiding.
so this year... 28....
what will become of me this year?
well, for starters, i'm going back to school and should be done before i'm 30. i am working on saving money so i can go do things i want to do for a change. i am being more forward and direct with what i want and not having any shame about it. i am going to ask for help. i am going to learn to love who i am, body and all. i am going to work hard and strive for better. i'm not going to settle for things because they are convenient. i see big changes on the horizon. big things and better things. i dont know in what areas of my life they'll come, but i feel as if chapters are closing and as much as i enjoyed reading that same chapter over and over, it's time to move on so i can finish the book before it's due back at the library and i get charged an astronomical fee. this year, i am going to be "selfish." i am going to make sure that i get ME time. i'm not going to feel guilty for it. i am a great mom, i work hard, and do a lot. i deserve it. im going to stick up for myself this year and not get walked all over and taken advantage of. i dont deserve that.
this is a year i dont want to waste on pessimism and anger. this is a year i dont want to wallow in self pity and sadness. this is a year that i want to be productive and meaningful. this is a year i have no shame in the person that i am and am becoming. this is a year that i accept me for me. this is a year for change and for better things. this is going to be a good year.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
neighborly love
i'm not sure what ethnicity they are, hmong or thai ... and i know that those are 2 very different cultures, i'm just not sure, and not sure how to ask.
regardless... they are the most wonderful neighbors. for starters, the man (i cant spell his name but it is pronounced like THAI) will mow part of our curb grass for us and in the winter will shovel part of our sidewalk for us. the women that live there will try very hard to speak english with me and i speak to their children and their children enjoy our cat and audrey.
today though, our neighbors went above and beyond. im not sure how many people live in their house... sometimes i see about 8 children running around the yard and a few older children coming and going, and other times i barely see anyone. they gave us a small, but beautifully grilled whole fish with the head cut off and the belly was stuffed with the most amazing herbs and chilies. i have not had fresh fish for a long time, let alone prepared that way. i can not even begin to explain the feeling that it gave me. mind you, i have an issue with food and eating and my body size right now anyway, but.... oh my gosh i could have eaten that forever. i just wanted to keep exploring all of the different flavors that were hitting all the different corners in my mouth.
along with that piece of fish came a handful of freshly grown cilantro. that is my FAVORITE herb!
while we had a power outage this evening, he was outside (and i forgot to ask again where he's from) but i did tell him how amazing that fish was. he said he would try to teach me what he did.... im not so sure how good it will work out, but i sure hope i can get a lesson in some measure.
i really want to travel. i want to go to other countries and eat. haha.... says the girl with the mild eating disorder. but seriously, i want to learn about other cultures through their food. i want to learn what spices they use and what is popular in their country to eat. for many people, cooking is a way of showing love, not just a means to a basic necessity such as eating. i think it would be really amazing to learn to cook all these different cultural dishes. it excites me... just recalling the amazing reaction in my mouth when i tasted what the belly of the fish was stuffed with..... mmmmm!
i love my neighbors.
regardless... they are the most wonderful neighbors. for starters, the man (i cant spell his name but it is pronounced like THAI) will mow part of our curb grass for us and in the winter will shovel part of our sidewalk for us. the women that live there will try very hard to speak english with me and i speak to their children and their children enjoy our cat and audrey.
today though, our neighbors went above and beyond. im not sure how many people live in their house... sometimes i see about 8 children running around the yard and a few older children coming and going, and other times i barely see anyone. they gave us a small, but beautifully grilled whole fish with the head cut off and the belly was stuffed with the most amazing herbs and chilies. i have not had fresh fish for a long time, let alone prepared that way. i can not even begin to explain the feeling that it gave me. mind you, i have an issue with food and eating and my body size right now anyway, but.... oh my gosh i could have eaten that forever. i just wanted to keep exploring all of the different flavors that were hitting all the different corners in my mouth.
along with that piece of fish came a handful of freshly grown cilantro. that is my FAVORITE herb!
while we had a power outage this evening, he was outside (and i forgot to ask again where he's from) but i did tell him how amazing that fish was. he said he would try to teach me what he did.... im not so sure how good it will work out, but i sure hope i can get a lesson in some measure.
i really want to travel. i want to go to other countries and eat. haha.... says the girl with the mild eating disorder. but seriously, i want to learn about other cultures through their food. i want to learn what spices they use and what is popular in their country to eat. for many people, cooking is a way of showing love, not just a means to a basic necessity such as eating. i think it would be really amazing to learn to cook all these different cultural dishes. it excites me... just recalling the amazing reaction in my mouth when i tasted what the belly of the fish was stuffed with..... mmmmm!
i love my neighbors.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
to keep my tired eyes from closing
i'm doing my overnite shift. i worked too fast. i am out of things to do. i barely got ANY sleep Friday afternoon because my neighborhood is LOUD! i need earplugs. i swear i am going to invest in some. i worked too fast, have nothing to do for tomorrow really so doing extra is really out of the question right now, and coffee is failing miserably. i thought if i just began typing all the random nonsense that is running amok in my brain, maybe oh maybe that would keep me awake for 4 more hours.... where i will go home and have to watch my daughter for 5 hours until her dad comes to get her so i can get some sleep. i dont think that will be a problem! (insert heaping portion of sarcasm).... i am enviously listening to 5 residents snoring away.... oh how i hate them right now! (i do love them but right now because i'm so tired, i hate them haha!)
i've been thinking of course about relationships. it feels like i am stuck on a carousel constantly going up and down and around and around. i just want off the damn horse and the jackass running the ride wont stop it. i'm dizzy and sick and just can take no more. but the music keeps me on. the joys of carefree childlike abandon keep me somewhere that i'm not sure i belong any more.
i wonder what the future is going to bring. already i feel insanely overwhelmed. 'ask for help' is the constant theme of advice and when you have turned yourself into a broken record with the same public service announcement and have seen no results, it's almost better off not saying anything at all anymore. i feel burdened by fatigue and even by parenthood. not to say i don't love and adore my beautiful little lady. she is the sweetest thing and on days where my mood is pure shit, she pulls me from the dumps with a smile or a hug and brings me back to life again. it's the other responsibilities of life that i think put such a damper on the joys of being a mom. when you have an unsupportive partner, that doesnt help. when he is delusional as to how much he contributes and wont see otherwise, that doesnt help. when your unsupportive partner has 3x a week where he gets an outlet/hobby and you get zero, that doesnt help. when you work 32 hours a week, watch your daughter 4-6 days a week on top of working, you get tired. when you also bear the burden of 90% of the housework, the cooking, the bills and budgeting on top of all the previously stated parts of life....yeah summed up, i am one tired mama.
i know single moms have it way worse. i know there are plenty of people worse off than me in general... im trying to stay positive and see the light at the end of the tunnel but i really cant any more. it has grown bleak and narrow. the same conversations with the same outcomes.
im starting school in october. october 3 to be exact. in under 2 years i am going to have a degree.... a real degree. crazy. im so worried though. if i'm this burned out now, i dont even think i want to KNOW myself after a few months of school.
i feel so dead. i need an outlet... a healthy outlet. at this point all i have is an overwhelming amount of fatigue and an unhealthy obsession with my body weight and size.... i hate it. i gained 70 pounds when i was pregnant. i got up to like 200 pounds and im 5'2" and some change. now im down to 125 and have the post pregnancy flab and just cant stand it. the number is never good enough. the size is never good enough. all my jeans are sliding off without needing to be undone and yet its not good enough for me. my goal was to be 115 by july and i havent seen the number move much. mostly cos my knees have turned to royal shit and i cant do much of anything for exercise until i get them checked (which might result in surgery whenever i get some insurance). i dont not eat like an anorexic or purge like a bulemic.... but it plagues me. day and night it is on my mind. i have a sick compulsion to just grab the places that i feel are too big and just stare at them in a mirror when i am stripped down to nothing before and after my shower. i weigh myself 4x a day as if the number will change by what i eat or dont eat that day. i stare at my unfavored spots in my daughter's mirror when we are sitting and playing in her room. i wonder who thinks im a fat mom. i wonder who stares at me with the same intent and disgust as myself. yeah i probably have a problem here but.... i dealt with similar things when i was 15 and came around ....im sure this too shall pass.
i feel though as if everyone i know will or wont befriend me based on my weight and size. i feel as if new people wont befriend me because of my size. i feel as if i cant ever be loved or accepted because of my trouble spots. and even now, in my hopeless fatigue, i sit and stare and poke and pull at all of the demons on my body ....
curse the man or woman that deemed skeletal figures "socially acceptable" and "beautiful." perfectly carefree people such as myself lose ourselves in this quest for social normality and acceptance.
i feel like i have had missed opportunities because of how i dont look. i mean, in all honesty, im short. i look 15. im curvy and not toned in all the right places. i wear glasses. i dont usually wear makeup or do my hair. my clothes are more functional than trendy. my shoes are usually chucks or flip flops and not designer labels. i dont carry a purse. i dont have an iphone or a blackberry. i drink my coffee black and strong. i like my music indie and mellow. i drive the speed limit most of the time. sometimes i flip annoying people off. im nearly 28 years old and have never completed college and don't have a "career." my house is 96 years old roughly and is in the hood. i don't go out and party. i went to a bible college and was brainwashed for 7 years of my life to believe that a certain way of life and believing was more "right" than any other. i grew up poor. i never got to travel the world and have my mid-twenties adventure. i fear being alone and stay places for longer than i should. i don't listen to my gut. i let a lot of amazing people go. i let a lot of amazing opportunities go.
i try not to get down on my 28 years of existence. i try to look at the positive... i lost 78 pounds in a year and a half roughly. i am enrolled in school for something i want to do and can do. i have a beautiful daughter that is bright and loving and funny and amazing. i look so casual daily that when i DO dress up i am quite a fox. i have a couple of medals for jiu jitsu and judo that not many can call their own. i own a house. i played guitar and played shows at the fine line for a year once a month. i have come in contact with some stellar people. i am really social. i had a kid pretty early so there's still time for an adventure.
i just need my brain to snap back into reality so things can make sense again. i need to stop looking at myself as a shell of a person and regain confidence in what truly makes me tick. i need to stop focusing entirely on the exterior of myself and understand that what makes me tick is pretty fuckin great. i need to believe in myself and believe that i know what's best for me and can handle tough times.... i mean shit, if i grew up in what i did and came out the hard workin mom that i am.... yeah, i can handle almost anything.
i think i just get tired .... i get tired of reading blogs of friends whose parents fly them all over the world, whose jobs are amazing and they're only 23, who go to shows and have extensive cd/vinyl collections, who have a vast support system and get to hang out with their friends weekly, who are living the life they planned and seem to be extremely happy.... i get tired of always having to put my nose to the grind and dig. i want the chance to coast. im tired of just getting by and having no fun money or time for fun. im tired of feeling lost. im tired of being outlandish and childish. im 28 in one week and one day for crying out loud. 28?!?!
i always imagined things differently for myself by now. what i have instead is quasi-satisfaction. maybe it's time i stop settling and run with the dream i have in hand and go get it?
all i know is that this bout of rambling has left me in the same boat i was in before but has killed quite a large portion of time that would have been spent with me trying to keep my head off the counter. thank you blog and thank you reader for giving my shift a sense of purpose again.
i've been thinking of course about relationships. it feels like i am stuck on a carousel constantly going up and down and around and around. i just want off the damn horse and the jackass running the ride wont stop it. i'm dizzy and sick and just can take no more. but the music keeps me on. the joys of carefree childlike abandon keep me somewhere that i'm not sure i belong any more.
i wonder what the future is going to bring. already i feel insanely overwhelmed. 'ask for help' is the constant theme of advice and when you have turned yourself into a broken record with the same public service announcement and have seen no results, it's almost better off not saying anything at all anymore. i feel burdened by fatigue and even by parenthood. not to say i don't love and adore my beautiful little lady. she is the sweetest thing and on days where my mood is pure shit, she pulls me from the dumps with a smile or a hug and brings me back to life again. it's the other responsibilities of life that i think put such a damper on the joys of being a mom. when you have an unsupportive partner, that doesnt help. when he is delusional as to how much he contributes and wont see otherwise, that doesnt help. when your unsupportive partner has 3x a week where he gets an outlet/hobby and you get zero, that doesnt help. when you work 32 hours a week, watch your daughter 4-6 days a week on top of working, you get tired. when you also bear the burden of 90% of the housework, the cooking, the bills and budgeting on top of all the previously stated parts of life....yeah summed up, i am one tired mama.
i know single moms have it way worse. i know there are plenty of people worse off than me in general... im trying to stay positive and see the light at the end of the tunnel but i really cant any more. it has grown bleak and narrow. the same conversations with the same outcomes.
im starting school in october. october 3 to be exact. in under 2 years i am going to have a degree.... a real degree. crazy. im so worried though. if i'm this burned out now, i dont even think i want to KNOW myself after a few months of school.
i feel so dead. i need an outlet... a healthy outlet. at this point all i have is an overwhelming amount of fatigue and an unhealthy obsession with my body weight and size.... i hate it. i gained 70 pounds when i was pregnant. i got up to like 200 pounds and im 5'2" and some change. now im down to 125 and have the post pregnancy flab and just cant stand it. the number is never good enough. the size is never good enough. all my jeans are sliding off without needing to be undone and yet its not good enough for me. my goal was to be 115 by july and i havent seen the number move much. mostly cos my knees have turned to royal shit and i cant do much of anything for exercise until i get them checked (which might result in surgery whenever i get some insurance). i dont not eat like an anorexic or purge like a bulemic.... but it plagues me. day and night it is on my mind. i have a sick compulsion to just grab the places that i feel are too big and just stare at them in a mirror when i am stripped down to nothing before and after my shower. i weigh myself 4x a day as if the number will change by what i eat or dont eat that day. i stare at my unfavored spots in my daughter's mirror when we are sitting and playing in her room. i wonder who thinks im a fat mom. i wonder who stares at me with the same intent and disgust as myself. yeah i probably have a problem here but.... i dealt with similar things when i was 15 and came around ....im sure this too shall pass.
i feel though as if everyone i know will or wont befriend me based on my weight and size. i feel as if new people wont befriend me because of my size. i feel as if i cant ever be loved or accepted because of my trouble spots. and even now, in my hopeless fatigue, i sit and stare and poke and pull at all of the demons on my body ....
curse the man or woman that deemed skeletal figures "socially acceptable" and "beautiful." perfectly carefree people such as myself lose ourselves in this quest for social normality and acceptance.
i feel like i have had missed opportunities because of how i dont look. i mean, in all honesty, im short. i look 15. im curvy and not toned in all the right places. i wear glasses. i dont usually wear makeup or do my hair. my clothes are more functional than trendy. my shoes are usually chucks or flip flops and not designer labels. i dont carry a purse. i dont have an iphone or a blackberry. i drink my coffee black and strong. i like my music indie and mellow. i drive the speed limit most of the time. sometimes i flip annoying people off. im nearly 28 years old and have never completed college and don't have a "career." my house is 96 years old roughly and is in the hood. i don't go out and party. i went to a bible college and was brainwashed for 7 years of my life to believe that a certain way of life and believing was more "right" than any other. i grew up poor. i never got to travel the world and have my mid-twenties adventure. i fear being alone and stay places for longer than i should. i don't listen to my gut. i let a lot of amazing people go. i let a lot of amazing opportunities go.
i try not to get down on my 28 years of existence. i try to look at the positive... i lost 78 pounds in a year and a half roughly. i am enrolled in school for something i want to do and can do. i have a beautiful daughter that is bright and loving and funny and amazing. i look so casual daily that when i DO dress up i am quite a fox. i have a couple of medals for jiu jitsu and judo that not many can call their own. i own a house. i played guitar and played shows at the fine line for a year once a month. i have come in contact with some stellar people. i am really social. i had a kid pretty early so there's still time for an adventure.
i just need my brain to snap back into reality so things can make sense again. i need to stop looking at myself as a shell of a person and regain confidence in what truly makes me tick. i need to stop focusing entirely on the exterior of myself and understand that what makes me tick is pretty fuckin great. i need to believe in myself and believe that i know what's best for me and can handle tough times.... i mean shit, if i grew up in what i did and came out the hard workin mom that i am.... yeah, i can handle almost anything.
i think i just get tired .... i get tired of reading blogs of friends whose parents fly them all over the world, whose jobs are amazing and they're only 23, who go to shows and have extensive cd/vinyl collections, who have a vast support system and get to hang out with their friends weekly, who are living the life they planned and seem to be extremely happy.... i get tired of always having to put my nose to the grind and dig. i want the chance to coast. im tired of just getting by and having no fun money or time for fun. im tired of feeling lost. im tired of being outlandish and childish. im 28 in one week and one day for crying out loud. 28?!?!
i always imagined things differently for myself by now. what i have instead is quasi-satisfaction. maybe it's time i stop settling and run with the dream i have in hand and go get it?
all i know is that this bout of rambling has left me in the same boat i was in before but has killed quite a large portion of time that would have been spent with me trying to keep my head off the counter. thank you blog and thank you reader for giving my shift a sense of purpose again.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
"the day you stop learning is the day you stop living"
maybe things are looking up....
well, i had a massive mental overhaul the other day and things i think are finally on the upswing.... although there are a few people still that make my heart sting with their blatant ignoring me, but.... maybe there's a reason they're inching their way away from me. maybe they're not the people i thought they were after all.
i BEYOND passed my placement tests for school, got accepted, and realized i will soon be in debt up to my eyeballs, but ....i will have accomplished something. i will have an associates degree in SOMETHING I WANT TO DO AND CAN DO! i dont think ive been more determined about something (except when i was training for BJJ AMERICAN NATIONALS 3 years ago). even then, i had to prove all the guys wrong that told me i was stupid for going and would lose right away. i got a gold medal on my mantle that says otherwise. same with getting my associates in medical assisting. this is something i know i can and want to do. i can test out of some things and am determined to just go full swing and get it done earlier than the 2 year assumed end date.
for once, i feel focused. for once, i feel driven. i want to put everyone in their place for quitting on me and put myself in my place for quitting on me.
on a non selfish note, audrey is thriving greatly! the doctor was very impressed with her cognitive skills, how much she understands like when you give her a direction to do something, her imaginative skills, and the fact that she says more than 5 "words." it was also a sweet and refreshing thing to hear from her doctor that i am doing a fantastic job and am a great mom. i dont always feel at my best or that i'm doing anything right, but ... life is all about learning. the day you stop learning is the day you stop living.
well, i had a massive mental overhaul the other day and things i think are finally on the upswing.... although there are a few people still that make my heart sting with their blatant ignoring me, but.... maybe there's a reason they're inching their way away from me. maybe they're not the people i thought they were after all.
i BEYOND passed my placement tests for school, got accepted, and realized i will soon be in debt up to my eyeballs, but ....i will have accomplished something. i will have an associates degree in SOMETHING I WANT TO DO AND CAN DO! i dont think ive been more determined about something (except when i was training for BJJ AMERICAN NATIONALS 3 years ago). even then, i had to prove all the guys wrong that told me i was stupid for going and would lose right away. i got a gold medal on my mantle that says otherwise. same with getting my associates in medical assisting. this is something i know i can and want to do. i can test out of some things and am determined to just go full swing and get it done earlier than the 2 year assumed end date.
for once, i feel focused. for once, i feel driven. i want to put everyone in their place for quitting on me and put myself in my place for quitting on me.
on a non selfish note, audrey is thriving greatly! the doctor was very impressed with her cognitive skills, how much she understands like when you give her a direction to do something, her imaginative skills, and the fact that she says more than 5 "words." it was also a sweet and refreshing thing to hear from her doctor that i am doing a fantastic job and am a great mom. i dont always feel at my best or that i'm doing anything right, but ... life is all about learning. the day you stop learning is the day you stop living.
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