a week in...

i have to say, things are a lot more calm for the gigantic life change i threw upon myself than id imagined.  aside from the still suspicious break in and theft of my personal belongings, i feel sane.  i feel 100 pounds lighter and like a 50 ton elephant has gotten off my chest.  i still can't sleep cos im paranoid at night about things that go bump- living or dead.  i haven't gotten the free time i've been promised because we are still figuring out a schedule and adjusting and audrey seems to know there is change and is ..... well..... acting out a little more than usual.  could just be the age she's at, but whatever.  she has also grown very attached to her blankie. 

i have a whole small house to clean up and reorganize and decorate, so if anyone has any good thrift stores near them that have fun stuff, let me know.  i need things on the cheap!
im excited for life change, for ME time, for space, and for clarity.  it's the first time in a long time i feel like myself again.

ignoring the obvious

i have a pile of homework for the week staring straight at my face, but instead, i feel the need to write.  i made a very hard decision this week.  i chose to end a relationship of 4 years and disintegrate the little family i have.  why do you ask?  because i finally came clean.  i received some very harsh words from someone i barely know which shook me awake in the most necessarily violent way.  suddenly i realized i was doing no one, not the bf, not audrey, and definitely not me, any good at all by living a lie.  i was NOT happy.  i tried.  i tried for 3 years, for audrey, for people's convincing, for people's "kind" words informing me how im ruining everyones' lives by wanting to leave and get some space to clear my head and get a handle on things.

thats what ive been taught to understand... that im being selfish for wanting space and selfish for feeling like i need to be able to breathe and most certainly selfish for needing time.  then just call me ms. selfish.  im doing no one any good by staying "comfortable" in my situation and outwardly smiling while internally frowning.  things build up over the years and one just then implodes.  and i did.

but i feel the most amazing sense of freedom right now.  i feel like a 50 ton elephant has been lifted off my chest and for the first time in a long time, i can take a breath.  i know things are going to be ridiculously hard.  owning a house, going to school and work, and taking care of a child with limited funds is definitely going to be a challenge and even IF i find a roommate, still a challenge in a house with only 2 rooms.  so dear reader, im bracing myself for some torrential storms ahead, but i feel as if i have one week of sunshine before the flood.  and im going to relish every single moment i have in the sun.  i've started coming clean with people ive hurt too.   i just feel this amazing feeling to be honest and apologize to everyone about anything. it just feels so good.  i've been hiding for so long and just knowing that things will work themselves out and i can finally take care of myself, it feels incredible.

so now.... the child and her dad are moving into someone's house and i still have my house... we split up an amicable schedule and worked out child support without involving the courts.... now he's actually moving out.  it's hard cos he's been my best friend for 4 years.  we've been thru a lot of good and bad times, a lot of fun and a lot of fighting.  i wanna end it all on a high note.  i wanna end it all on a smile instead of tears.  i know that will be impossible but.... i can hope. 

so there's that.  im coming out of hiding and embracing the first day of this new chapter in my life.  one step at a time, one hurdle at a time, and life will be just fine.  i dont know where this crazy road is taking me, but i am going to go. 

lost in the dark

ive been standing on this thin black line
waivering between the sides
afraid to move for fear of falling down

pushed myself farther out
than i thought was possible to travel
but ive forgotten where is home

your words took me from this height
with a cold hard slap in the face last nite
and im scared of where ive landed
but finally feel found

ive been lying to myself for many days
afraid that my life would be taken away
im standing in the crumbled remains of myself

uncertain where the darkness has me now
not sure if i ever will get out of it alive but
i know im taking the first steps of the rest of my life

your words cut me to the core
with a cold hard stab and then some more
im not sure of where ive landed or whether ill be found
but i feel like i can finally breathe now
maybe i can be free now

dorky song... indeed

this is the dorkiest song ever

holding out or giving up?

ever since i was about 15 years old, i day-dreamed of a prince charming with brown hair, blue eyes, some facial hair, maybe some tattoos, and gallantly introducing himself by means of a guitar and song.  needless to say, NO ONE i have ever dated has been this man.  i had close.... light brown hair, blue eyes, facial hair and NO tattoos or music skill, OR musical skills with brown hair and brown eyes and NO tattoos, or none of the above completely.  i thought he was a myth, because why, any time i did think i found this said fellow, he belonged to another or simply was not attracted to me?
so, do i hold out or give up? 
im not entirely happy at this moment with where things are in my life.  i feel that i deserve better most days.  i feel that this prince charming will "get me" if i ever find him. 
am i being absolutely ludicrous and need to head down a more sane and settling path, or do i hold out for this possible hopeful?
every time i think i find him, i turn into a spastic little puppy, wanting to know right then and there if he is right, and then i frighten him away only to never know and be dubbed a psychopath.  deep down, i swear im 13 years old.
maybe one day i will meet this gallant prince that strolls about with songs he plays for me, or maybe, maybe this person is a dream.... someone to write such blogs about and have good dreams at night.
i suppose i will never know until my time here is done, or until he finds me first.

procastinating with an empty cereal bowl

so, i started school AGAIN for the 4th or 5th time now on monday.  needless to say, my procrastinating ways, loathe for capital letters, and crazy schedule with audrey have me swamped in week one.  thankfully, my medical assisting program is only 2 years (hopefully less if enough needed credits transfer over from my previous college attempts).  also, i get scrubs (which i look awesome in), and a stethoscope to play with.  i overloaded my schedule though.... 14 credits with MY life right now is NOT a good plan. 
i feel like in a way i am failing audrey.  i feel like im the worst mom ever.  so many other kids her age are being potty trained, know more words, and have less tantrums.  of course i start school when she's in a big part of her development.  of course if i AM home, im distracted by all the medical terminology books and flashcards that need attending to.  my favorite part of the nite is snuggling on the couch with her watching the simpsons or something.  i know she knows i love her and i know that she loves me.  i just wish i could be there for her MORE and not feel so drained.  growing up with a shithole family life, i just want to give her way more than i ever had.  my mom was always tired and out on dates with guys and never spent much time with us.  i don't want that for audrey.  i want her to know her mom is her bff, always there for her, and someone she can rely on and turn to.  and YES she's not even 2 and im acting like she's 15, but....
so, i finished my granola, ate my banana, and have an empty coke can staring at me.  it's time for homework but all i can do is listen to music and want to write .... if i werent at work, i would be at home playing.  the music industry never treated me kindly but i still miss it.  the medical field is a challenge which, as my therapist told me long ago, is something i need.  i sell myself so short on so many levels.  i dont believe in myself as much as i should.  i always want the impossible.  always.  i always want what i cant have.  im always reaching farther than my 5'3" frame allows me the ability to grasp. 
why is that such a bad thing though?  because i am constantly falling down and it hurts.  my body is so scraped and bruised from falling and failing and the misses and lack of hits.  maybe one day.
one day seems to be the anthem of my life.
i turned into a debbie downer again.  at least i have audrey, and a house that i own, and enough to get by, and the start on an amazing journey to a potentially great job.  maybe this is my one day to finish what i've started and be something to be proud of. 

liar liar pants on fire!

i don't know why i believe people.  the human race, particularly the male gender, is extremely untrustworthy.  i don't know why i get this urge to give someone the benefit of the doubt and then get nothing but the opposite of my expectations. 

i don't get the point in lying.  don't get me wrong... i've said my fair share of wrong things.... but when YOU are the one constantly accusing someone of lying and then yourself get caught in a lie.... something's just seriously wrong there.  that makes me start to doubt every last word said.  now what else are you lying about?  what else HAVE you lied about?

i must have the word "SUCKER" tattooed on my forehead because i keep getting the run around from every last person i meet. 

i have been so angry most of the day.  im pretty much a single parent even tho the baby's dad lives with us.  i work, will be havin some school work soon, take care of the baby, take care of the house, do all the cooking and laundry, take care of the bills and finances, and try to take care of me.  somehow a 40 hour a week desk job is far more taxing than  my life and he needs more breaks than me.  not to mention that my overnite weekend shifts leave me drained and tired since he'll watch her for about 5 hours so i can sleep before he teaches a class.  REALLY? 
when we go to friends' parties with her i end up having to watch her 90% of the time so he can socialize and drink.  REALLY?  i think i've honestly forgotten how to converse with adults except other moms (who i know are adults, but are very aware of the feelings i have.... well most....).

i cant tell you how enraged i was tonite when i found out i was lied to and said person was not in fact, lost as they claimed to be for 2 hours, but was out with friends still hanging out even tho he promised he was coming home so i could see him before i went to work.  lies.  LIES FROM THE WOLF!!

i dunno why it effected me so, but i became so mad i was shaking.  i realized i need a physical outlet so i think im going to try muay thai once a week and do bjj once a week.  i definitely need to take my rage out on some bags and thru choking people.

maybe its the lack of sleep that has me so wound up, but...i just cant take being lied to.  i cant take bearing the load i have and always being made to feel like im doing something wrong or just not doing enough.  i am so emotionally void and drained that i don't know how to give love or anything to anyone.  i feel like i am a shell of the person i once was with no hope of returning.  it's like im watching myself from outside my body do the things i do and say the things i say, and then, for certain parts in the day, i return to myself to cry and feel something, and then turn and run outside of myself again.

one day i would like to know what it is like to be genuinely loved, like the way that i love audrey.  she can push every last button on me, yet still.... i cant help want to hold her and kiss her fat cheeks and smile at her.  i cant help but stare in awe at her because i just LOVE her so deeply.  i can honestly say as much as every male i have been with SAYS they felt that way about me, it's pure bullshit.  even the nicest and most well meaning threw me aside for sports and alcohol.  one day i would like to know what it is like to be loved in that regard.  i want to know how to give love to someone else again too.

one day....