necessary, but painful

so i thought i would be so happy and not care.  i thought i could be completely emotionally indifferent and just move on.  but the reality is you moved on so much sooner than i did and so quickly to a point where i question every word you ever said to me about loving me and not cheating on me and about how i would ruin all other girls for you and how i was special and talented and important.  it makes me now question every word ever spoken to me.  cos if all that was true, why a month after we split were you dating someone and having her stay over and meet our kid?  why did you lie about it for a month?  why do you make it a point to avoid certain questions and are unable to pay child support the same month you started seeing this new girl?
i mean honestly id like to live in a world where everyone is happy and no one has hurt feelings.  and yes, i hurt your feelings.  i did.  i know i did.  but at the same time you still refuse to acknowledge how deeply you hurt me for years.
it's hard being alone, having lost nearly all my friends due to the split or from dating you period.  it's hard living in a house alone and having my schedule ruled completely by school, work, housework, homework, or our amazing daughter.  it's hard.  i dont get "nights off" as you so nicely put it.  im needed from sun up to sun down with scant amounts of "free moments" and those free moments, if left alone, cause me to think things like this.  where, im glad youre happy.... im glad you figured a way to deal with being stressed and upset with the cards you were dealt.... but i hate it too.  i hate that you replaced me so soon because i just needed time to breathe.  this breathing room is scarier than i thought.  its lonely sometimes and other times its the most energizing feeling on the planet.
but i need to let go .... i need to give up all this control and this almost vice you became.  you dont own me anymore like i felt you did.  i can come and go as i please, wear make up or do my hair just for the hell of it.  i have no one questioning me if i stay out too late or have had a few to drink.  i have no one texting me asking who i was with or what im doing if i go out with what little friends i have left.  i can have friends now.  i can eat vegetables now and only cook one dinner.
i can play my guitar loudly and have silence to do homework.  i dont have to watch your stupid shows anymore.  i can have hobbies and opinions all my own.
so yeah, sometimes it is super sucky knowing you kiss another girl and sleep next to her while im alone in the bed we shared curled up with extra pillows cos it gets kinda cold.  it's super sucky being stuck with a house you wanted and now suddenly could care less about.  it's super sucky having no life while you get so much time to yourself.  but it's also really liberating knowing that im growing while youre standing still.  im finding peace being alone.  every day isnt easy but its painfully necessary to face the things ive been avoiding and afraid of.  i may not have a crutch and i may fall down and make a total ass of myself, but im at least learning to walk on my own two feet, so the next time, should life throw me such a chaotic storm, i'll be prepared, while you may fall down and look for a hand to pull you out AGAIN.
maybe in time things will be less difficult and maybe ill appear less bitter or hurt.  i made this choice.  i made this choice because i know i deserve better than what you were giving.  i know i deserve better than the facade you made people believe you were.  i know you.  i know all your uglies as you do mine.  you wont last long unless you learn to walk on your own two feet.  and i know youll never read this cos you want me out of your new life.  you want me out of the choices youre making and the decisions youre involved in .... i lost a lot more than you think.  and while this has been the most painful few months of my life, it's also been the best.  im learning.  im growing.  and while its painful, it's necessary... a lesson i hope you learn eventually too.

i guess this is aging....

im starting to come to a place where i realize what i want.  it's scary when it slaps you in the face.  youre running in a direction only to be halted by a brick wall called "ADULTHOOD." 
when i split with my ex, i had one goal in mind - to get a grip on myself.  i lost myself in a 4 year relationship where his hobbies and patterns were cultivated and honored above my way of life and living.  needless to say it was not a very supportive 4 years.  no ill will, just... it's hard to see how much of your personality and self you compromised for a "boyfriend" and "love." 
my goal was to be like a dude.... just to have meaningless encounters with different people and go on my merry way.  maybe select a few to hang out with more than once. 
well, i got slapped hard and cold in the face yesterday when it hit me.... I AM A GIRL!  i am a total girl.  i honestly don't know how guys do it.  i get attached.  i want more than meaningless nonsense.  i can pretend i don't and try to convince myself i don't but when the day is over and im lying awake, im wishing for that chick flick ending where there's a knock at my door and it's not someone trying to scope out my house for a robbery.  i wait for those sentences that end these movies on a high note where the dorky girl (that would be me in real life) gets the sweet, thoughtful guy that throughout the whole movie was oblivious to her.
i mean of course this is cheesy and gushy, but i realized that even if it is completely far fetched and unrealistic, it's what i want.  i want someone to be nice to me just because and not because they want "something" in return.  i want someone to surprise me and be thoughtful.  i want someone to remember my birthday.  i want someone to listen to my nonsensical chatter, laugh with me, and let me cry to them without telling me that tears are for the weak.  i want someone to think about me and let me know it and not wait for me to tell them that i feel neglected and unimportant.  i want someone to eat all of my experiments and maybe make some with me.  i want someone to support and encourage all my crazy ideas, even if i dont follow through on them all.  i want someone to play board games with (yes, i still want to turn operation into a drinking game and have yet to even open the damn box 5 years later).  i mean the list is endless, but above all, i dont want meaningless bullshit.  i dont want someone who is so stuck up their own ass that they think they can come and go as they please, lead me along and then drop me like a bad habit yet come back when they are feeling down again.  i want someone who knows how valuable i am.  i dont want someone who overuses complimentary words like "pretty" and "beautiful" and wont tell me that the only reasons they like me are because im "quirky."  i dont want someone who forgets that im a girl and i like to hear that im liked and thought of and attractive.  i dont want someone who thinks if they said it once 4 months ago that that was enough.
i dont want someone to push their opinions and hobbies on me and who embraces me for who i am.  i want someone who knows how to have a good time without abusing "a good time."  i want someone who knows their limits.  i want someone to embrace the role of being the man and doesnt hand me the pants when times get tough.  i want someone that values family and knows when to put themselves aside for the sake of bonding with their family.
i could go on endlessly with my ideal list and for once, im proud this list does not mention any sort of physical characteristics.  i dont care about hair color, stature, eye color.... just good hygiene and a nice smile.  
but the point of this ramble.... im growing up.  i cant and dont want a meaningless fling with various individuals to keep my options open.  i know it's recent since my split and don't get me wrong.  my goals still remain the same.... ME ME ME.  i want to work on music, get back to the gym, train, finish school, and be the best damn mom audrey can have.  i just want someone to laugh at the funny stuff with, enjoy the simple things with, and give me the kick in the pants i need when im zoned out watching 30 rock instead of doing math homework.

so, aging maybe has some perks to it, but it is also frustrating.  i'd rather be indifferent and emotionless instead of having forced patience thrown at me.  if you know me, im the least patient person possible.  til then, i work on me. 

time management

i really ought to be doing homework right now, but i can't focus.  in an hour or so, a resident will be waking up thinking it's a weekday and expecting me to get him ready for work.  i might as well not get too invested in studying.  also, my mind is elsewhere tonight/this morning. 

i find myself growing up already this year and it's just begun.  it's about time honestly.  i'm nearly 29 and mentally function like a 15 year old most days. 

i have many demons to tackle this year.  one thing at a time though. 
i'm all about making the right decision though and making sure things don't come back to haunt me... no matter how tempting it is to lie and do wrong things sometimes.

this rollercoaster ride is making me ill...

... or maybe it's the fact that i just swallowed like 4 or 5 pieces of pizza (yup, i did lose count).  i split with my ex because i wanted to focus on me.  it seems as if i am still unable to do that.  yes, i understand as a parent regardless of being single or together, you will always come last.  it's amazing how much compromise i am STILL making even though i have no obligation to my ex.  i dont have weekends, i dont have sleep, and i dont have evenings. 
i can't complain too much.  i've found time to squeeze in for having friends and the immense joy i have of not being accused and attacked for smiling and having fun is rather nice.
still, im pegged as the "bad guy."  i'll always be the one that broke his heart, ruined his life, cheated him from family, took away his stability, made him depressed and miserable.  it's all my fault.
how can one woman be so many things to so many people without feeling dead inside eventually though?  how am i supposed to be a mom, a friend, a lover, a provider, a student, a caretaker, a cook, a housekeeper, a teammate, a nurturer,  an accountant, a listener, and a PERSON all at once?  mind you, i was taking care of him and audrey.  i was cleaning up after 3, bathing 2, cooking for 3, and taking care of a house of 3 and it felt like i was doing it all alone.  i really want the best for us 3 but.... i gotta fit in there somewhere.
the end of the movie amelie just reminds me to hold out for someone that will be a dork for me and that i will matter to.  words only go so far. 

my 2012 list of goals

im not sure HOW i am going to approach this but i figured, i am in a new place in my life and it is a new year, so what better thing to do than start a list of things that i would like to see happen in 2012 (should we not all die from global warming and an apocalyptic massacre).  so ... where to begin...

-lose 10 pounds by may
-develop a weekly exercise routine
-go through one whole cookbook from cover to cover and learn new recipes and cooking techniques
-keep an A average in school
-MOVE TO AN APARTMENT NOT IN THE HOOD
-get audrey potty trained
-keep a substantial amount of money in a savings account
-master a few baking recipes
-write 2 songs
-get a new tattoo
-get a haircut :)
-take a few days for myself away from school, home, and mommying
-go on a roadtrip
-meet 5 new people
-watch one scary movie
-go to a movie
-try 5 foods that i have never heard of before
-conquer 2 fears.
-get hot momma clothes :)
-get a new phone
-get a new camera


i think that's a good enough start for now.  im sure there will be more .....

things have gotten ugly but...

after the split, i knew things would be ugly, but i never assumed that they would get THIS ugly.  i mean, for our daughter's sake i assumed one would act civilly and at least return a greeting and be cordial.  oh the expectations i have are apparently insurmountable mountains to climb.  i just absolutely quit expecting him to be nice or courteous or understanding at all. and on that note.... i digress.
it has been a hard adjustment living on my own... i'm not used to so much quiet.
one thing i have discovered is how valuable alone time is.  yes, anyone that knows me knows right off the bat how much i love and value my daughter.  she is the only thing keeping me smiling these days.  but, a mom needs her time too.  i have realized from having so few channels on the tv that i really like to watch cooking shows.  it is like a puzzle... these chefs and bakers have certain ingredients to work with and need to make something amazing.  and even if it doesnt taste that great, the people judging their food somehow KNOW what the dish needs or where it's lacking.  i have spent a lot of time in the kitchen lately (after the mouse drama semi-subsided).  that is the one place where i have been finding absolute solace and tranquility and why audrey is just NOT allowed in the kitchen when i'm experimenting.  it's almost like having the general public spying on a scientist while he's trying to find the cure for AIDS.  it's distracting. 
i have had so much fun experimenting with baking different things and testing out different marinades for meat and making something out of nothing (when i forget to go to the store and am hungry).  it's been really calming and i'm almost finding a sense of self again.....
granted i don't need to be EATING myself into a sense of self, but the experimentation and delight i feel when i'm making things is a whole new feeling for me.  for 4 years i lost a myself trying to be everyone's caretaker and no one really looked out for me.  i lost myself and lost sight of the things i like to do and what i wanted to be.  i feel like even if it's something as small as making a cupcake, i'm alive again.... well, maybe not entirely, but im getting there.

a week in...

i have to say, things are a lot more calm for the gigantic life change i threw upon myself than id imagined.  aside from the still suspicious break in and theft of my personal belongings, i feel sane.  i feel 100 pounds lighter and like a 50 ton elephant has gotten off my chest.  i still can't sleep cos im paranoid at night about things that go bump- living or dead.  i haven't gotten the free time i've been promised because we are still figuring out a schedule and adjusting and audrey seems to know there is change and is ..... well..... acting out a little more than usual.  could just be the age she's at, but whatever.  she has also grown very attached to her blankie. 

i have a whole small house to clean up and reorganize and decorate, so if anyone has any good thrift stores near them that have fun stuff, let me know.  i need things on the cheap!
im excited for life change, for ME time, for space, and for clarity.  it's the first time in a long time i feel like myself again.