i let my guard down again. this time a bit too far down. i don't know the last time it's BEEN this down. i'm not sure why im as sad as i am. it wasnt for very long. he never did anything with me but hang out with his friends and watch tv. he owed me fun times and i believed they were coming. we'd talk and it was serious sometimes, deep other times, revealing on occasion, and silly shit the rest.
a few months ago i got these dorky robots on my chest. it was paying homage to my nerdy self, not letting anyone treat me like shit again or forget about me. i would wait with fervor and resolve for my dorky little robot boy. and how prematurely i thought i found him. kind of strangely i guess too since initially i went to go hang out with his roommate who stopped talking to me for whatever reason. he bought me stickers and i got him some stupid toys and shit. now i just feel stupid cos im sure he was like "um what the hell is this?" like always i invested more than what was being invested in. i cared far too much for someone that obviously cared far too little. i believed the lines and words that he spoke. i thought he meant it. he didnt seem like the rest of the douchey pack. he admitted some personal things to me. so i assumed he was honest. he said how much i scared him and how good this felt. i agreed. on both levels.
im not one to ever cower in fear or bow to it's iron fist. for once i wish i did. for once i wish i ran screaming the second he said he liked me. for once i wish i never spent the night or invested in making future plans. i wish i never met him at all. i know those are strong words but the words that i got to read thru text last nite (YES how brave and commendable to rip a girl's heart out via text) seriously ripped me to pieces. and again, i feel so very stupid cos we hung out for like a month is all but..... i hate being led on. i hate being lied to. i hate having someone feed me hope for my last meal before the slaughter. i seem to always just barely escape death and the taste of good things and promises is starting to become bitter and foul.
i wish him well. he is probably the most awesome person i'd met. he was what he said he was. he made no claims to be anything smooth or suave. he just was himself. he was a dork and free flowing with his words. and maybe that came to be my demise. regardless, i havent hurt this bad since i was 18 and lost my best friend. and maybe it's psychotically premature to assume such feelings in such a short time, but crazy me will admit to feeling something different.... crazy me will say that i didnt mind staying up all night talking, i actually liked falling asleep on him watching tv shows, and i didnt care about his "health issues" that was so embarrassed of. i didnt care he had hardly any free time or a son to devote weekends to. i for once put myself last and someone else first. and i dont know if that's what hurts the worst of all. for once i forgot about myself and things felt right and good. and then they exploded.
i told him i'd wait til he was less busy. he said no. he said all ties had to be severed. but it wasnt MY fault. of course not. never is til a month later they have someone new. i dont think i'll forget this friend and i really hope he comes around. either im a serious glutton for punishment or im stupid or maybe, just maybe, i found my dorky robot after all.
for right now, my eyes are swollen, my cheeks are red, and there is a bleeding cavity in my chest where my heart should be. im not sure where all the pieces are, if i will ever find them at all. i just know that i want today to be over so tomorrow can ease me one more day into shoving this awful nonsense into the past to be forgotten and buried.
i normally do NOT care. i normally think so much of myself this shit doesnt even bother me. i want to know why i care and hurt and am crying. i want to know why my remains are telling me to have hope while my brain is saying "shut the fuck up you stupid girl!"
i am a war of head vs heart..... it's always this way.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
what a difference a few hours makes
after a very bleak morning coming out of a nightmarish sleep fog and going straight into hours of putting everyone else first, i can honestly say i don't think i AM sitting on the fence.
for all the naysayers that try to pull me back and into their downward-spiraling, dismal world of despair and cloudy days, im not going along any more.
maybe ill hop off this fence and venture into a land of smiley times and dance parties all alone, but i wont be alone when im there.
i dont know why i feel like i need to take everyone along with me.
im not responsible for everyone else.
(well in a sense i am with work and miss A, but..... you get it.)
all i can do is stand at the edge of the world i know is real and the fence that everyone is sitting on and call them over. if they slap my outstretched hand, so be it. i can try again, but why make myself sad and preoccupied with it.
everyone is on a little journey themselves anyway. everyone's life is meant to be a learning experience and a whole lot of growth. everyone will find their way eventually but it's their own way to find, not mine to find for them.
so now........... i think it's time to dance my little ass off (and once again scare the cat). miss A makes a perfect dance partner though. :)
for all the naysayers that try to pull me back and into their downward-spiraling, dismal world of despair and cloudy days, im not going along any more.
maybe ill hop off this fence and venture into a land of smiley times and dance parties all alone, but i wont be alone when im there.
i dont know why i feel like i need to take everyone along with me.
im not responsible for everyone else.
(well in a sense i am with work and miss A, but..... you get it.)
all i can do is stand at the edge of the world i know is real and the fence that everyone is sitting on and call them over. if they slap my outstretched hand, so be it. i can try again, but why make myself sad and preoccupied with it.
everyone is on a little journey themselves anyway. everyone's life is meant to be a learning experience and a whole lot of growth. everyone will find their way eventually but it's their own way to find, not mine to find for them.
so now........... i think it's time to dance my little ass off (and once again scare the cat). miss A makes a perfect dance partner though. :)
where logic and irrationality collide
i wish i had one of those brains. one of those seemingly sane brains that all of my friends seem to possess. one of those brains where logic overtakes irrational thought patterns. where the reasonable and sensible seem to reign supreme over the uprising of selfishness and paranoid stupidity.
i wish.
every time something good pokes its head into my life, be it a person, money, good luck, a new camera or something..... misery pokes its ugly head in and there comes reality in the rear and .... POP! that delightfully glorious bubble of mine is destroyed. the few moments or months i have in sheer bliss and smiles is gone forever. it's no wonder im not trusting, which is where im sure this paranoid stupidity was conceived.
and maybe i just say too much. maybe my feelings are all exposed and on the line and out there. maybe my honesty is just a tad bit too frightening because the rest of the world knows what i know: lying, cheating, misery, compromise, and unhappiness.
for some reason i think im better than the norm. for some reason i think i can outdo and outrun this nonsense. i think that i am somehow above this trend amongst humanity.
maybe i am. maybe i could be if someone was just as fearless as me.
and this is where im stuck oh friend whose eyes are trying to grasp and hang onto whatever nonsense my fingers are flying away with. im stuck. im stuck between a pseudo heaven and a very real hell. i can hear the moans of misery, the hissing and distrusting words, the sobs and tears of every broken hearted friend of mine on one side. the other side has every song ive ever loved to hear, every smell that has had my knees buckle in sheer anticipation, every voice that has brought me a smile. it's warm on that side like every hug that has actually saved my life.
but who really wants to move off this fence? who has decided that fear is a big pussy and life's too short to sit around wondering, but myself? im kinda starting to think im alone in this mindset. not that i need to run to one side or the other, but why is their such disdain on the faces of those who deep down are longing for this amazing place as if it doesn't exist when they can see it right in front of them?
am i the only one that truly believes that not everyone you encounter is the same as the last? am i the only one that believes in honesty and truth? seriously maybe i do need to learn to hold back. maybe my outstretched palm to help someone across to the side of pure bliss is too much. maybe i just need to venture out there alone and hope someone follows or is there waiting for me.
right now this fence is cold and lonely. i have splinters in my butt and im numb and sore from just sitting here. i'm really tired of this waiting game. i'm tired of sometimes slipping over onto the side of sad sounds and bleak days. im not one for being fast but as soon as i even see my foot dangling on that side i hurl my tired body back on the fence. i know i don't want to go that way.
somehow limbo is becoming completely irrational and i wish logic would set in and take over. that although i haven't had the best track record or examples, this side where people are smiling and having amazing dance parties does exist and IS real. it's not a mirage. it's not a bad joke. it's not a landmine. it's there for the taking if you want it.
and i want it. now just to move off this fence.
i wish.
every time something good pokes its head into my life, be it a person, money, good luck, a new camera or something..... misery pokes its ugly head in and there comes reality in the rear and .... POP! that delightfully glorious bubble of mine is destroyed. the few moments or months i have in sheer bliss and smiles is gone forever. it's no wonder im not trusting, which is where im sure this paranoid stupidity was conceived.
and maybe i just say too much. maybe my feelings are all exposed and on the line and out there. maybe my honesty is just a tad bit too frightening because the rest of the world knows what i know: lying, cheating, misery, compromise, and unhappiness.
for some reason i think im better than the norm. for some reason i think i can outdo and outrun this nonsense. i think that i am somehow above this trend amongst humanity.
maybe i am. maybe i could be if someone was just as fearless as me.
and this is where im stuck oh friend whose eyes are trying to grasp and hang onto whatever nonsense my fingers are flying away with. im stuck. im stuck between a pseudo heaven and a very real hell. i can hear the moans of misery, the hissing and distrusting words, the sobs and tears of every broken hearted friend of mine on one side. the other side has every song ive ever loved to hear, every smell that has had my knees buckle in sheer anticipation, every voice that has brought me a smile. it's warm on that side like every hug that has actually saved my life.
but who really wants to move off this fence? who has decided that fear is a big pussy and life's too short to sit around wondering, but myself? im kinda starting to think im alone in this mindset. not that i need to run to one side or the other, but why is their such disdain on the faces of those who deep down are longing for this amazing place as if it doesn't exist when they can see it right in front of them?
am i the only one that truly believes that not everyone you encounter is the same as the last? am i the only one that believes in honesty and truth? seriously maybe i do need to learn to hold back. maybe my outstretched palm to help someone across to the side of pure bliss is too much. maybe i just need to venture out there alone and hope someone follows or is there waiting for me.
right now this fence is cold and lonely. i have splinters in my butt and im numb and sore from just sitting here. i'm really tired of this waiting game. i'm tired of sometimes slipping over onto the side of sad sounds and bleak days. im not one for being fast but as soon as i even see my foot dangling on that side i hurl my tired body back on the fence. i know i don't want to go that way.
somehow limbo is becoming completely irrational and i wish logic would set in and take over. that although i haven't had the best track record or examples, this side where people are smiling and having amazing dance parties does exist and IS real. it's not a mirage. it's not a bad joke. it's not a landmine. it's there for the taking if you want it.
and i want it. now just to move off this fence.
Friday, September 21, 2012
feeling mildly pathetic
i don't know if it's like a change in the seasons or in the weather or something that is just making me want MORE change.
i was cleaning my house yesterday (yeah, finals are next week and im skipping class) and i realized, i never have made this my home. i never really like decorated or made it my own. everything is mildly organized and in a place where it needs to be, but i can't really say it feels like home.
it's cold and gray out right now. i treated myself to pumpkin coffee. sitting on my couch in my pjs with god damn dora on in the background, audrey dancing her little face off.... and all i want is someone here to drink coffee with on my couch.
maybe it's cos my whole schedule for next year got fucked up with school and im graduating a whole quarter later in the end of september, or maybe it's because everyone around me has lives full of drama and pain and craziness that i just want ONE constant. i just want ONE person to hang out with and be buddies with and have silly fun. i don't want drama and jealousy and garbage. i want to drink pumpkin coffee and watch zombie movies at 9 in the morning.
i think i pretend to be all toughy and grrr but deep down i just want a place to call home. i want a physical house with a porch swing and a big kitchen full of amazing smells, yes, but i just want that place where i feel home. it's definitely not here. maybe it's cos as a kid i never really had a family structure, it's something i really want. just that one place to feel "home." it's taken me 29 years and one 2 year old to figure out what that means for me and now that i know what it is, i think that is what is making me want it more than ever.
thankfully tho, my walls are up and my picky glasses are on. i've made that mistake of settling for the facade, the dream house with mold growing in the walls that is falling apart a month after you move in (metaphorically speaking of course). maybe one day i'll get to be home finally and for good. for now, i'll settle for pumpkin coffee and my little miss coloring on the coffee table.
i was cleaning my house yesterday (yeah, finals are next week and im skipping class) and i realized, i never have made this my home. i never really like decorated or made it my own. everything is mildly organized and in a place where it needs to be, but i can't really say it feels like home.
it's cold and gray out right now. i treated myself to pumpkin coffee. sitting on my couch in my pjs with god damn dora on in the background, audrey dancing her little face off.... and all i want is someone here to drink coffee with on my couch.
maybe it's cos my whole schedule for next year got fucked up with school and im graduating a whole quarter later in the end of september, or maybe it's because everyone around me has lives full of drama and pain and craziness that i just want ONE constant. i just want ONE person to hang out with and be buddies with and have silly fun. i don't want drama and jealousy and garbage. i want to drink pumpkin coffee and watch zombie movies at 9 in the morning.
i think i pretend to be all toughy and grrr but deep down i just want a place to call home. i want a physical house with a porch swing and a big kitchen full of amazing smells, yes, but i just want that place where i feel home. it's definitely not here. maybe it's cos as a kid i never really had a family structure, it's something i really want. just that one place to feel "home." it's taken me 29 years and one 2 year old to figure out what that means for me and now that i know what it is, i think that is what is making me want it more than ever.
thankfully tho, my walls are up and my picky glasses are on. i've made that mistake of settling for the facade, the dream house with mold growing in the walls that is falling apart a month after you move in (metaphorically speaking of course). maybe one day i'll get to be home finally and for good. for now, i'll settle for pumpkin coffee and my little miss coloring on the coffee table.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
massive meltdown
all in one day.... all of this life vomit in ONE day... im completely at a loss. i blew up at the admissions department at school. i got laughed at by my ex. i made my roommate feel bad for me. i let my kid see me cry and meltdown.
the nice parts of today were plenty of sympathy and pity conversations, lots of hugs and shared chocolate milk from audrey, and some french fries for dinner.
i'm stuck. honestly just very stuck. i now am graduating 3 months later. those extra 3 months i am paying for out of pocket. apparently FA doesnt cover the school fucking up. them cancelling a class i need and working my schedule so im screwed is apparently MY fault. i lose my externship spot. im doomed to a life of chaos for 3 more months.
i want to scream and yell and hit things. i want to cry and vomit and eat a whole cake washed down with a bottle of whiskey all at once. but i know none of this will help. it wont change what is. im screwed for 3 more months. end of story. if i havent completely fucked everything up by telling the admissions department they are insensitive money hungry tyrants. oops. :)
the nice parts of today were plenty of sympathy and pity conversations, lots of hugs and shared chocolate milk from audrey, and some french fries for dinner.
i'm stuck. honestly just very stuck. i now am graduating 3 months later. those extra 3 months i am paying for out of pocket. apparently FA doesnt cover the school fucking up. them cancelling a class i need and working my schedule so im screwed is apparently MY fault. i lose my externship spot. im doomed to a life of chaos for 3 more months.
i want to scream and yell and hit things. i want to cry and vomit and eat a whole cake washed down with a bottle of whiskey all at once. but i know none of this will help. it wont change what is. im screwed for 3 more months. end of story. if i havent completely fucked everything up by telling the admissions department they are insensitive money hungry tyrants. oops. :)
Sunday, August 26, 2012
my misadventures of dating
im typing this through tears after just spending a good 15 minutes staring at myself in the bathroom mirror telling myself to calm down.
i did probably the two worst things any single woman could do: drink vodka alone while watching "he's just not that into you."
while that movie offers valuable insight, it also reminds me how stupid i've been.
so what does a good single drunk girl do?
why text guys that have broken her heart or have left her hanging and she isnt sure what they think or feel!!!
and what a great idea this one was!
let me back track here as to why the tears of frustration and self hatred are flowing.
i am quite gullible and stupid and, i forgot to mention, SUCH A GIRL!
i hate what we females do to ourselves. we dissect every minute thing a guy says or does and somehow manipulate it into being "he has feelings for me," when in reality he could just wanna be friends. of course i'm still trying to find that solid line where guys and girls that are single at our age can really just "be friends" without one party having feelings for the other.... but that's just my take on that.
so the past 9 months of being single have been.... quite a rollercoaster i want to jump off of i must say. i am wanting to lie face down on the tracks and just quit at this point. initially there was, L let's call him. L just.... seemed indifferent. L would hang out and pretty much sleep. that was that. L liked my kid tho but.... i don't think he ever liked me. L vanished and there came N. N and i, i thought we were getting along great til one day he accidentally met my kid and whoooooooooosh, gone! i got the whole "i just don't know what i want" speech and "i need to figure myself out" speech which i know is guy for "omg stay away!" then there were some scattered dates in there, one guy was just using me to cheat on his gf. another guy was still seeing his ex, got her pregnant and flipped out on ME when i was like "hey guy wtf?" then i met, lets call him, B. B and i had a lot in common, and had a fun weekend together the weekend we met. i thought he gave me something of his cos he liked me but.... a few texts later in the weeks to follow would ensure me that he was in fact, not interested. i think the next noteworthy fellow is ... let's call him R. R was just a fun friend. we drank, we got into mischief and he said we were bf/gf. a few days later we were fwb. a few days later we were exclusive, and a few days after that we were just friends and the whole label thing was a joke. needless to say that messed me up. so i turned to the world of online dating.
HAHAHAHHAA. millions of faces and names and hobbies and interests parading around as decent, nice guys. lets say A, was none of the above and he was canned after one date. J i thought wanted to see me but J just wanted one thing and one thing only. S was interested in me but the feelings were NOT mutual. N i was interested in but again, he was not interested in seeing me again. and Z, Z was so much like me but... again, once was enough of the kelmeister i guess.
so here i am torn between 3 dating sites, facebook friends of friends, numerous people i know in real life and new people i meet when i actually get to go out. and still nothing.
i know it's the whole cliche of "when you stop looking it will come." the thing is.... i don't really think i'm LOOKING. i just want one guy to be upfront and honest with me, to not drag my feelings around and make me assume we're more than what we are, to not have me believe that he is going to call when he has absolultely NO interest whatsoever. i'm tired of being flattered and sweet talked. i'm tired of bullshit promises of second dates. i'm tired of being rejected. it's exhausting.
im basically looking to meet new people and see what's there. which is, what i thought dating was supposed to be. im not lookin to get married or get super cereal right away.... i just.... i want one guy to meanwhat he says.
so far, no luck. i have however discovered an absolute sadistic joy from telling guys off when i can smell the bullshit...
i havent however yet figured out how to get past date 1. i'm possibly too quirky, too oddbally, too upfront, too outspoken, but i dont plan on changing myself for someone of the opposite gender.
it sucks to take a step back, look at your track record of "dates" (i only listed the noteworthy ones btw) and realize how used you were, how cheap you were made, how much bullshit you ingested.... it makes me so mad i cry.
where o where in the great big world that i live in is the kind gentleman that will not forget it's my brithday, that will be super sweet on me just because he feels like it, that will go be silly and have adventures, that wont take himself so serious, that can cook me dinner sometimes, that understands it's about fairness and being equal, that will build forts with me in the living room and play pretend when we take walks in the woods?
until this dorky weird robot of mine comes around, i will remain one bitter, skeptical, little fart. sorry to anyone that must know me by now.
i did probably the two worst things any single woman could do: drink vodka alone while watching "he's just not that into you."
while that movie offers valuable insight, it also reminds me how stupid i've been.
so what does a good single drunk girl do?
why text guys that have broken her heart or have left her hanging and she isnt sure what they think or feel!!!
and what a great idea this one was!
let me back track here as to why the tears of frustration and self hatred are flowing.
i am quite gullible and stupid and, i forgot to mention, SUCH A GIRL!
i hate what we females do to ourselves. we dissect every minute thing a guy says or does and somehow manipulate it into being "he has feelings for me," when in reality he could just wanna be friends. of course i'm still trying to find that solid line where guys and girls that are single at our age can really just "be friends" without one party having feelings for the other.... but that's just my take on that.
so the past 9 months of being single have been.... quite a rollercoaster i want to jump off of i must say. i am wanting to lie face down on the tracks and just quit at this point. initially there was, L let's call him. L just.... seemed indifferent. L would hang out and pretty much sleep. that was that. L liked my kid tho but.... i don't think he ever liked me. L vanished and there came N. N and i, i thought we were getting along great til one day he accidentally met my kid and whoooooooooosh, gone! i got the whole "i just don't know what i want" speech and "i need to figure myself out" speech which i know is guy for "omg stay away!" then there were some scattered dates in there, one guy was just using me to cheat on his gf. another guy was still seeing his ex, got her pregnant and flipped out on ME when i was like "hey guy wtf?" then i met, lets call him, B. B and i had a lot in common, and had a fun weekend together the weekend we met. i thought he gave me something of his cos he liked me but.... a few texts later in the weeks to follow would ensure me that he was in fact, not interested. i think the next noteworthy fellow is ... let's call him R. R was just a fun friend. we drank, we got into mischief and he said we were bf/gf. a few days later we were fwb. a few days later we were exclusive, and a few days after that we were just friends and the whole label thing was a joke. needless to say that messed me up. so i turned to the world of online dating.
HAHAHAHHAA. millions of faces and names and hobbies and interests parading around as decent, nice guys. lets say A, was none of the above and he was canned after one date. J i thought wanted to see me but J just wanted one thing and one thing only. S was interested in me but the feelings were NOT mutual. N i was interested in but again, he was not interested in seeing me again. and Z, Z was so much like me but... again, once was enough of the kelmeister i guess.
so here i am torn between 3 dating sites, facebook friends of friends, numerous people i know in real life and new people i meet when i actually get to go out. and still nothing.
i know it's the whole cliche of "when you stop looking it will come." the thing is.... i don't really think i'm LOOKING. i just want one guy to be upfront and honest with me, to not drag my feelings around and make me assume we're more than what we are, to not have me believe that he is going to call when he has absolultely NO interest whatsoever. i'm tired of being flattered and sweet talked. i'm tired of bullshit promises of second dates. i'm tired of being rejected. it's exhausting.
im basically looking to meet new people and see what's there. which is, what i thought dating was supposed to be. im not lookin to get married or get super cereal right away.... i just.... i want one guy to meanwhat he says.
so far, no luck. i have however discovered an absolute sadistic joy from telling guys off when i can smell the bullshit...
i havent however yet figured out how to get past date 1. i'm possibly too quirky, too oddbally, too upfront, too outspoken, but i dont plan on changing myself for someone of the opposite gender.
it sucks to take a step back, look at your track record of "dates" (i only listed the noteworthy ones btw) and realize how used you were, how cheap you were made, how much bullshit you ingested.... it makes me so mad i cry.
where o where in the great big world that i live in is the kind gentleman that will not forget it's my brithday, that will be super sweet on me just because he feels like it, that will go be silly and have adventures, that wont take himself so serious, that can cook me dinner sometimes, that understands it's about fairness and being equal, that will build forts with me in the living room and play pretend when we take walks in the woods?
until this dorky weird robot of mine comes around, i will remain one bitter, skeptical, little fart. sorry to anyone that must know me by now.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
forced hiatus
so i took a break from school for 3 weeks and apparently took a break from dealing with things. of course fatigue makes each thing that surfaces an overwhelming thought and emotion.
recently i was challenged with the concept of 'home' and find myself thinking more and more about it. home has nothing to do with the state you live in or blood relatives in a building or even anything tangible. home is this feeling of comfort and peace and just.... smiles. at least to me. i mean that is far from what i grew up with but it's always what i imagined it should be.
i long for that place more than i can even put into words. and it feels so far away and like such a foolish thought. i hold myself back from so much because ...............
I AM A BIG LIAR.
I AM THE BIGGEST LIAR OF THEM ALL.
it took 14.5 hours in the car on a solo road trip for me to figure this out about myself. i pretend to be so calloused and indifferent. i pretend to like doing this all by myself. i pretend. i am nothing more than an actor reciting lines i heard spit out at me from people much stronger than myself and with ideals very different from my own.
all i really want is somewhere to call home. yes i have my A and she's my world, but.... it's not the same. it's not really what im getting at here.
i've felt it before. i miss it. i wonder if it could in fact be a reality one day but at this point i am feeling rather hopeless about it or maybe that i've been looking in the wrong place. or maybe that due to my fears and indifference that i missed out all together.
i either speak too soon or say too little too late.
god or fate or whatever controls my tongue.... really we are off in our timing somewhere. i wish for once the universe and my stupid thoughts and feelings would be in sync and be at the right place at the right time.
this is probably one of the girliest posts i've written. i feel really exposed and am contemplating pushing the 'publish' button. but maybe out there in the world of the internets there is someone, male or female, older person or youngin that shares my train of thought rambling itself off track.
i want to be home. i dont feel home right now. im second guessing every person that crosses my path and everything i think or feel. i dont want to settle again. im so afraid to fuck up. im so afraid to make the wrong decision. it's fear that has put me in the position im in now and it's fear that will keep me here.
i just am finally honest about one thing.... im a liar. im not cold and bitter. in fact, deep down im a total mushy gushy sap. i hide it cos it's easier to not get hurt that way. now that i've just exposed all my girly thoughts tho.... we'll see what's next.
recently i was challenged with the concept of 'home' and find myself thinking more and more about it. home has nothing to do with the state you live in or blood relatives in a building or even anything tangible. home is this feeling of comfort and peace and just.... smiles. at least to me. i mean that is far from what i grew up with but it's always what i imagined it should be.
i long for that place more than i can even put into words. and it feels so far away and like such a foolish thought. i hold myself back from so much because ...............
I AM A BIG LIAR.
I AM THE BIGGEST LIAR OF THEM ALL.
it took 14.5 hours in the car on a solo road trip for me to figure this out about myself. i pretend to be so calloused and indifferent. i pretend to like doing this all by myself. i pretend. i am nothing more than an actor reciting lines i heard spit out at me from people much stronger than myself and with ideals very different from my own.
all i really want is somewhere to call home. yes i have my A and she's my world, but.... it's not the same. it's not really what im getting at here.
i've felt it before. i miss it. i wonder if it could in fact be a reality one day but at this point i am feeling rather hopeless about it or maybe that i've been looking in the wrong place. or maybe that due to my fears and indifference that i missed out all together.
i either speak too soon or say too little too late.
god or fate or whatever controls my tongue.... really we are off in our timing somewhere. i wish for once the universe and my stupid thoughts and feelings would be in sync and be at the right place at the right time.
this is probably one of the girliest posts i've written. i feel really exposed and am contemplating pushing the 'publish' button. but maybe out there in the world of the internets there is someone, male or female, older person or youngin that shares my train of thought rambling itself off track.
i want to be home. i dont feel home right now. im second guessing every person that crosses my path and everything i think or feel. i dont want to settle again. im so afraid to fuck up. im so afraid to make the wrong decision. it's fear that has put me in the position im in now and it's fear that will keep me here.
i just am finally honest about one thing.... im a liar. im not cold and bitter. in fact, deep down im a total mushy gushy sap. i hide it cos it's easier to not get hurt that way. now that i've just exposed all my girly thoughts tho.... we'll see what's next.
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