plain

why does that word have to be a connotation for something bland and boring?  plain is a base.  plain is a canvas.  plain is a start.

for some reason i think of myself as plain.
i see myself as unimpressive, not fancy, nothing great or special or extraordinary.

now dear reader, don't think i'm depressed or anything.
im not sitting here with chocolate and booze and a chick flick (although that does sound quite amazing right now).

i just mean that... i don't fit a mold, a design or a model.  i dont fit any social group i have tried to be a part of.  i don't fit anywhere.
not to say i cant or wont, i just dont.

im the plain chip.  im the plain bagel.  im the plain m&m.  (i swear to god i have had food on the brain today so sorry for all the food references.)

the wonderful thing about plain is that it goes with everything. 
(back to food again....)
take a chip.... some things do NOT go with bbq chips or cheddar sour cream and onion chips (drooling right now).  they already have a flavor and an audience to where they belong.

i dont fit in anywhere.
and i like it that way.
maybe because i have the opportunity to fit in anywhere.

im not popular or sought after.
i am not the talk on everyone's lips.
it is rare if i get a text or an email.
i cant remember the last time i got a phone call i didnt somehow instigate.

i dont have a niche or a group or a following or a place that i belong and can call home.
and sadly, i have to say that i kind of like it that way.
i like to be a societal nomad.
i like not knowing where i belong because i dont really want to belong to anyone or anything or anywhere.  i want to belong to everyone and everywhere.

so consider me a plain canvas.
consider the whole world to be a set of paint.
i love the fact that each person that comes into my life is a different color and texture and shape. 

so you see.... plain doesn't need to be seen as dull, boring, or uninspiring.
plain can just be...
a beginning.
a start of something.
an openness to everything.

and my little hippie brain is ok with that.

"we're all lost...." he says

and so i reply "well then some must fake it better than others."

yes, i feel horribly lost.
i am mediocre at best at so MANY things when i want to be great and remembered for ONE thing.
i have all these tiny moments that, ok sure, are fun to revisit and live in from time to time, but i want that one epic moment, that one great fragment of time when i just know im there... when i just know im where im supposed to be for the first time in my whole life.

life is a journey they say.
im tired of wandering aimlessly.
sure i have somewhat of a direction with bubs and school and stuff but....
i feel like im in so many directions all the time all at once that i'm missing something.

i've had some pretty amazing moments recently and i just don't want those to end and maybe that's why im a complete fuck up and clutch them to my chest for dear life hoping they wont go away.

and that is when they do.

and that is when i get back up, sow more seeds, and hope something will bear fruit in the future.  that's all you can do right?  plant, wait, reap?
it's unfortunately a horrible thing for someone with ADHD and a high level of impatience.

maybe some little thing ive done or said 50 years from now will help save a life or change someone's outlook.  you can't downgrade how "small" of an impact you may make because you never know WHO you're impacting.

so impatient kelly, you must wait.

someday hopefully i'll see the footprint i leave in the world.
someday hopefully someone will appreciate my nerdy little self.
someday i can love and be loved in return.
someday hopefully i'll have made a difference in someone's life for good.
someday i will have inspired change.
someday i will have done something great.

impatient kelly.... you must wait.

if we dont die next week...this is for 2013

this year is almost at a close and i have a whole new year ahead of me.
i swore up and down 2012 would be drama free. 
i swore so much would happen and i would be somewhere so different by now.
it's funny how we always think we know best for ourselves and life has another plan.
there's a lot more for us to learn than we think.

i have come across some terrible, heartless, mean, cruel people this year.  i have trusted people that did not deserve my trust or attention or affection and i have come out hurt while they have gotten off without being sorry or a scratch on their skin.

and that sucks.
that has made me so mad sometimes.

but in reality, im not responsible for them.... just me.
and they'll get theirs.

i have learned some really hard lessons but i have also come a long way.
i am a lot stronger than i believe i am.
i can do a lot more than i think.
i really need to believe in myself more.
and i care where others do not.

i may make a huge ass out of myself and put myself out there too much to people that don't deserve it and get used and cheated on and lied to in the long run, but... i'd like to think that im somewhat closer to finding my dorky robot boy and maybe have pointed some things out that people otherwise would not have heard because they only surround themselves with people that coddle and support them and don't challenge them to be a better version of themselves.

i am doing great as a single parent.  yes, i have my bad days and get grumpy and yes, i am tired and pretty worn out but... i'm doing something many cant.  i put my daughter first every day of my life.  everything i do is based around her and what would make her happiest and what would help her be a better person. 

i am doing far better in school than i could have ever imagined.  i need to believe in myself more though and maybe that comes from never ever being encouraged in pretty much anything ever.  i've always been doubted and ignored.  now i see myself drawing blood, assessing cells with microscopes, performing tests and learning about xrays and... this was all stuff i thought i was too stupid for a little over a year ago.  look at me now.  4.0 every quarter.

i have to say i am a bit drained though and maybe that's why i put myself too much out there with the male gender.  in fact, it is quite pathetic but i got audrey, myself, and my roommate each a stocking for christmas.  his is filled, hers is filled, and mine is sad and empty.  audrey has presents under the tree and.... yeah i dunno it's just a little sad.  i don't get why someone wont just be nice back to me.  i like being thoughtful and surprising people and being nice and i just dont understand why so many with a penis can't think with anything other than that.  i mean shit, i am pretty laid back for a female and if i found that santa had left me colored pencils and a notebook id be happy.

J never did holidays or anniversaries or random acts of niceness.  so i guess i just should be used to it by now.  what's another holiday or day gone by?  all this crap this year has done is remind me what i DONT deserve and yes, it's sad i believed and trusted people and all i can do is hope that one day someone will remember that although i am strong and stubborn and independent, im still a girl.  i still just want someone to appreciate the little things and remember i exist.  so maybe one day.

on that note, 2013 has a new plan.  already music and muay thai are taking precedence and i am beyond stoked for my classes even tho i have to drive to blaine twice a week.  i'm getting to the end of some things and hopefully the beginning of some others.  i can only hope for some niceness in the new year.

you think by now id learn

it's really sucky to feel like this.
it's really sucky when you have to face facts and put hope aside.
it's really sucky to see through the beautiful veil of kind words to the real truth provided by actions.

when you barely mean 10 minutes worth of someone's time, it's probably because you mean nothing at all.

harsh reality but reality nonetheless.
time to pick up the pieces again and hibernate.

if all people do is take, at some point you have nothing left.
im pretty bone dry right now.

words words words

i kind of hate them.
(yes, that statement coming from the woman who doesnt know when to shut up or stop typing....)
but i kind of hate them.

and maybe it's because i hate lies.  i hate fibs.  i hate being led along with these crafty little demons only to be abandoned in the dark with no trail to find my way back.

why say something you dont mean?
why say things just to get what you want?
that's disgusting.
i dont tolerate it.

ever since last year i have become more honest than most people would enjoy to be around.
i dont hold things back.
i say what i feel.
i say what i mean.
i say what's on my mind as it pops up.
and i get very frustrated when people cower from the truth or how they really feel.
there's no point to it.
it will come out eventually so why not just spare the nonsense and noise and just be upfront?

i also wish people would back up what they say with proof.
anyone can spew shit out of their mouth.
it's easy and has been done and can be done.
backing up what you say with some evidence however requires a SMALL FRAGMENT OF WORK that most people run from because work = yuck to the human race.
again, i sit here and shake my head because i really just dont understand it.

so my advice to anyone reading...
say only what you mean.
back up what you say with action.
be upfront and honest.
dont hide from truth or feeling.
words are powerful.
words can tear down or build up. words can imprison or free.  words can break or mend, hurt and heal.  be careful what you say and how you say it, but don't hold back out of fear.  you never know how needed some words are to be heard. 

my one year "soloversary"

i cant believe i forgot about it.
december 3 i believe, last year, my life changed in a very intense way.
i was living a lie.
i was heavy inside.
i was overwhelmed and burdened and a fraction of the person i knew i was and should be.

a stranger.
a person i wanted to be friends with and am currently not, spoke the most truth to me that any friend or foe has ever stated to me in my life.
this person i had met once and talked to three times that had no remote interest in me, set me the straightest.

i was lying to myself and to J.
i was pretending that what was, was ok.
i was pretending that i could endure always being second.
i was pretending that i enjoyed being housewife, and mom, and student, and employee while he just coasted and did as he pleased.
i was pretending that i didnt want flowers and little notes around the house just letting me know i was loved and appreciated.
i was pretending that i enjoyed always being the shadow and never being a person of worth and value.

and i admitted it.

and then i was alone.  as alone as a woman can be with a 2 year old.

i have to say this past year has been so awful and so amazing.
i got broken into again, lost my house insurance because of it, met some amazingly terrible people, and have had all sorts of money troubles.  i have had to take the role of dad and mom.  i have had to weed and learn to trim trees and mow.  i have had to do home repairs and stop basements from flooding.  i had to deal with mice in my house.  i have had to learn to adjust to no sleep and no social life.

but i have to say that the lessons i have learned and the people that have stood by me and supported me and encouraged me and just have been a great example to me have kept me going.  looking at audrey's sweet face and seeing her smile when i let her just be herself or break out of  the rut im in and just act silly with her.... it's enough.  it's enough to help me get through the day and make it to the next.

i have learned so much about being alone.  yes, i have had some awful interactions with men and some pretty shitty experiences this past year.  spending 4 years with someone makes you forget "the game" and you have these newfound expectations that are apparently nonexistant in the world you live in.  what you want seems like a fairytale to others because they havent gotten to the point you are at yourself.

and thats fine.

i can say i love this journey.  i hated it.  some days its so hard and maybe i do hate it.  some days i want someone there to hug and just to laugh with or dance party with or just to take me for a drive to some remote place to just be in silence.  but i dont have that.

im learning a lot about who i am tho and what i do have.
im stronger than i give myself credit for.
im less alone than i think.
i have a very long road ahead of me.

i appreciate the hiccups that have brought me to where i am.
i appreciate all of the people that have lied to me and cheated on me and talked down to me.
without that, i don't think id understand who i am and what im really worth.

so yes, i may be a complete nerd who likes robots and microscopes.
i may have a loud laugh.
i may be quirky.
i may be completely upfront and outspoken.
i do dorky things to show people i care.
i may have odd clothing choices.
i may be the simplest of creatures.
i may be a hippie.
i assume that everyone deserves love and hugs and that life should be simple.
i assume the next time im with someone it wont be an effort and a chore.

i believe that somewhere, in this weird and huge world, there is one friend that is waiting for the same thing that i call reality.... this concept that the person you know you are should be loved and respected for that and not changed to meet some standard or ideal that they have set for themselves.  this concept that youre not a matter of convenience to this other person, but someone they genuinely just want to be around and share experiences with.  this concept that a "relationship" is something you have with family and friends and a special friend and that regardless of the person you have the relationship with that it's all the same... showing love and consideration and thoughtfulness.  that it should really just be simple and easy and effortless.

so maybe that will take some time.
all i know is that this past year has given me a lot to examine and has provided a lot of growth.
J moved on right away and thats his choice and i feel like he is missing out on so much.
i know that i am finding myself again and i like who i am.

so happy soloversary to me.

damned and doomed

i deleted a previous post.  too emo.  too melancholy.  too... wrong.

i am not a psychic.
i can not read minds and see what is going on at all times.
i dont know people like i think i do.
my gut is diseased and leads me to believe things that arent true.
it's in cahoots with my head.
first that stabbing feeling in my gut happens.
then the heart races and it travels ever so quickly to my command center.
from there, the pandoras box of bullshit and garbage just starts escaping like helium balloons being let go of.
just flying away and racing off track and with an ungodly speed.

then i drive somewhere.
then i take a shower.
then do something remotely normal.

then sanity hits.

maybe i don't know the best that life has for me and i am damned and doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over.  maybe heartache and sadness are just meant to be a part of my life.  or maybe they are just meant for that because i cant seem to ignore the things that have led me down the rabbit hole of nonsense before into a downward spiral of ruining every good thing that crosses my path.

until i learn to let go like winter trees and put the past behind me no matter how bad or good the memory is, i will never be able to move on in life.  i will never be able to enjoy ANYTHING.  ill always be afraid of losing or having or reciprocity.

most people hate their heart and say their heart is what leads them into bad situations with people.  mine is my brain.  it never just shuts up, stays quiet, and lets the rest of me just live.  i am going to miss out on some little nuances if i dont just.... let go.  how many people i drive away or intentionally push away just cos of bullshit everyone else has done to me or because of scenarios that look like a repeat of the past.... HOW DO I REALLY KNOW THO???  life is cyclical.  life is very cyclical but that doesnt mean that everything is going to look the same.  it may be patterned similarly but in no way are the events going to transpire similarly.

if im constantly afraid to get hurt and constantly afraid to trust and am constantly afraid to believe that someone wants to be nice and good things can happen to me.... i should just hole myself up in a closet and not come out.  that is NO way to live.  at least not for me.

i may be weird and have quirks.  i may dress in a not so fashionable way.  i may have a really weird and loud laugh.  i may be completely grammatically incorrect.  i may not have the most awesome lifestyle and schedule.  but for fuck's sake... i like me.  id like to think im a rare breed.  i like to put others first and make sure everyone else is happy and feels loved and appreciated before even thinking of myself.  i like to go out of my way to surprise people and let them know i give a shit.  i like to ask people how their day was.  i like to smile and say hello to strangers.  i like to laugh and dance no matter how ridiculous i look or sound.  i like being dorky and nerdy and all variations of those words.  i dont give a shit about being fancy or what's trending.  i just want a happy, humble life surrounded by smiles and love. 

so if im constantly running... thinking i know better and best.... trying to avoid pain and a repeat of lies and cheating and hurt.... im going to have a lonely sad life indeed.  sometimes you have to take a risk.  things may not always turn out ok.  things may end up in failure.  that's ok.  it's another experience.  i dont control life or know what is meant to be when.  no one does.  i have to stop thinking i know what's best and just let life happen.....  however it may.