i wanted 2013 to be a big year.
i wanted change.
i wanted amazing things to happen.
why, after 4 days in to the new year, am i feeling like i am crawling out of my skin with anticipation and restlessly awaiting some strike of lightning to catapult me into great things?
it has only been 4 days!!!!
i want to write great songs.
i want to meet amazing people.
i want to have adventures and fun.
i want to see new places.
i want to get my shit together and be rid of bad habits.
i just want big things to happen, positive things, happy things, new things.
i have 361 days to go.
hopefully my want will turn into drive and that drive will take me to all the places i could go.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
and so i read a book
the last time i think i was ever so deeply emersed in a book was "things the grandchildren should know" by E of EELS aka Mark Oliver Everett. i liked the way it was relatable and made me think.
and that's what "perks of being a wallflower" did for me. my little sister had quoted it in a facebook status once and it just hit me that it would be a book id like. and it was. i sat reading it while audrey was napping. i got so into it that i didn't really notice as the daylight was fading and the room was becoming darker. things were clicking and sinking in and i got more familiar with charlie and his story. i understood, and for the first time in a while, felt like i was understood. i was squinting through the grayness of having pretty much no light to read by until page 213 was complete, down to the last sentence and period. then as i closed the book i realized it was 330, audrey was still asleep, and it was getting darker in my house.
anyway, there were so many spots in the book that i found so quotable and so i thought i would share those few and .... do my usual rambling....
"...because things change. and friends leave. and life doesnt stop for anybody."
so yeah.... this was the story of 2012 for me. and the end part of this quote, that life doesn't stop for anybody, was the most eye opening part. life is a constant revolution and change. people will come and go. life doesnt stop for anybody ... ever... and the loudest part screaming in my ears is that we are all involved in this. just cos people are coming and going in my life and things are changing in my life, it isnt to say that the same pattern isnt going on in that someone else's life that is coming or going from my own. it kind of opened my mind to the concept that we are all intertwined and related and that each cause has an effect.
"it's much easier not to know things sometimes. and to have french fries with your mom be enough."
i love this quote not because i like my mom at all in any way, but because of the simplicity of this statement. as a child we are so unintentionally ignorant to things. we just know what we're told and what we've experienced and the simple things are the greatest trophies. sometimes i wish i could go back to those childlike days where life wasn't bills and responsibilities and mortgages and work. life was being told to go play and rewards didn't come in the form of a bonus check but came as a cookie or a trip to mcdonalds or something. sometimes i think it would be better to live in that mindset.... it has its perks.
"i think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people."
we can't as much as we want to, live for others. it just doesn't make any sense. you can't help others by living FOR them. there was a story charlie was going back to where the premise was that you can choose to die for someone but you can't live for them. you cant make choices and decisions for people. you have to live for you and choose to share yourself and your experiences and your life with others. what good are you to others any way if youre just living for THEM? sure it sounds selfish but there has to be an element of selfishness in a person in order to better those around you. if youre not constantly learning and growing and bettering yourself, youre no good to anyone anyway. it's like a doctor that dropped out of med school cos he so badly just wanted to help people and not be selfish hiding away studying. how can he help anyone without any knowledge? without knowing you have no direction.
"i guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. and maybe we'll never know most of them. but even if we dont have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. we can still do things. and we can try to feel okay about them. ..... and even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesnt really change the fact that you have what you have. good and bad. ... maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, i think that the only perspective is to really be there. .... because it's okay to feel things. and be who you are about them."
this was a bunch of quotes in a few paragraphs lumped together. but this part/these parts really struck me and hit close to home. i always like to revisit and blame and use the past. it is my crutch and cushion. but the reality is, we all have a fucked up past. EVERYONE. im not special cos my life wasn't cookie cutter and squeaky clean and i have some stories that would make many grown men cry. that's not the point. the point is regardless of "who has it worse" ... it is what it is. i always hated when people would tell me that but it is the god's honest truth. it really just is what it is. my life is. it is good sometimes and it is bad sometimes. and it's ok if some nites i want to break down and cry. it's ok if sometimes i get mad and yell behind a closed bathroom door while im pretending to poop so i dont scare my kid. the reality is, those are my feelings. my past and my feelings and my current experiences... they are a part of my life and a part of my story and a part of me. it doesnt have to control me and dictate who i am in this very moment. i cant help what DID happen and the family i grew up in, but i can choose what path i take now and where my life is headed....
and that is that.
"I was very grateful to have heard it again. Because I guess we all forget sometimes. And I think everyone is special in their own way. I really do."
this part of the story is when charlie's teacher is telling him how special he is. and charlie doesnt know really what to say or how to feel. i was thinking about the times i've found notes in my box at work from my coworkers or my boss telling me that they appreciate me or a certain way i interact with a resident is encouraging to them or makes them happy. those times make me smile from ear to ear and with all of my insides. because when someone does take the time to tell me im special or important or appreciated or even a male genuinely meaning the words "you're pretty".... i am grateful. i don't hear those things very often. and i do forget. i think because im not like everyone else- im quirky and odd and weird and dorky- that i forget. i figure the only special ones are the "normal" ones but the funny truth is that, the more you get to know the "normals," they are usually as odd as or even MORE ODD than yourself. so normal, quirky, nerdy, whatever.... we've all got something that makes us special and valuable.
this last part is a very long bit of conversation between sam and charlie. this is probably the one point in the book when i felt like i could relate to sam. i felt like someone dug in the girl portion of my heart and took out all of my words:
"it's just that i dont want to be somebody's crush. if somebody likes me, i want them to like the real me, not what they think i am. and i dont want them to carry it around inside. i want them to show me, so i can feel it too. i want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. and if they do something i dont like, i'll tell them. ... you know i blamed craig for not letting me do things? you know how stupid i feel about that now? maybe he didnt really encourage me to do things, but he didnt prevent me from doing them either. but after a while, i didnt do things because i didnt want him to think different about me. but the thing is, i wasnt being honest. so why would i care whether or not he loved me when he didnt really even know me? so, tomorrow, im leaving. and im not going to let that happen again with anyone else. im going to do what i want to do. im going to be who i really am. and im going to figure out what that is."
this pretty much sums up my present, my want for the future, and my past with J. i can easily sit and blame, but the reality is, i lived a 4 year lie. and maybe the reason things havent been going too well in that department isn't just because i find myself surrounded by not the greatest caliber of male persons, but simply because i am quite honest. i don't think many people really have a grasp on who they are and the ones that do usually are faking it the best. hell, i still fake it sometimes. i know in part who i really am and i think more often than i care to admit, i'm still trying to figure out who/what that really is. i dont think many people know how to handle such directness and honesty. hell, i don't think i do either. but isnt that the beauty of life... to keep learning?
so, sorry for the lengthy post mixed with book review. i know it is some "coming of age" trendy story that i am referencing mixed with my usual BS, but... it helped me realize that i am not as alone as i think in how i feel and process. and that someone out there is on the same page..... somewhere. moral of the story, im not as lost or alone as i think i am.
and it also got me thinking even more.... and... i don't see that as a bad thing.
and that's what "perks of being a wallflower" did for me. my little sister had quoted it in a facebook status once and it just hit me that it would be a book id like. and it was. i sat reading it while audrey was napping. i got so into it that i didn't really notice as the daylight was fading and the room was becoming darker. things were clicking and sinking in and i got more familiar with charlie and his story. i understood, and for the first time in a while, felt like i was understood. i was squinting through the grayness of having pretty much no light to read by until page 213 was complete, down to the last sentence and period. then as i closed the book i realized it was 330, audrey was still asleep, and it was getting darker in my house.
anyway, there were so many spots in the book that i found so quotable and so i thought i would share those few and .... do my usual rambling....
"...because things change. and friends leave. and life doesnt stop for anybody."
so yeah.... this was the story of 2012 for me. and the end part of this quote, that life doesn't stop for anybody, was the most eye opening part. life is a constant revolution and change. people will come and go. life doesnt stop for anybody ... ever... and the loudest part screaming in my ears is that we are all involved in this. just cos people are coming and going in my life and things are changing in my life, it isnt to say that the same pattern isnt going on in that someone else's life that is coming or going from my own. it kind of opened my mind to the concept that we are all intertwined and related and that each cause has an effect.
"it's much easier not to know things sometimes. and to have french fries with your mom be enough."
i love this quote not because i like my mom at all in any way, but because of the simplicity of this statement. as a child we are so unintentionally ignorant to things. we just know what we're told and what we've experienced and the simple things are the greatest trophies. sometimes i wish i could go back to those childlike days where life wasn't bills and responsibilities and mortgages and work. life was being told to go play and rewards didn't come in the form of a bonus check but came as a cookie or a trip to mcdonalds or something. sometimes i think it would be better to live in that mindset.... it has its perks.
"i think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people."
we can't as much as we want to, live for others. it just doesn't make any sense. you can't help others by living FOR them. there was a story charlie was going back to where the premise was that you can choose to die for someone but you can't live for them. you cant make choices and decisions for people. you have to live for you and choose to share yourself and your experiences and your life with others. what good are you to others any way if youre just living for THEM? sure it sounds selfish but there has to be an element of selfishness in a person in order to better those around you. if youre not constantly learning and growing and bettering yourself, youre no good to anyone anyway. it's like a doctor that dropped out of med school cos he so badly just wanted to help people and not be selfish hiding away studying. how can he help anyone without any knowledge? without knowing you have no direction.
"i guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. and maybe we'll never know most of them. but even if we dont have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. we can still do things. and we can try to feel okay about them. ..... and even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesnt really change the fact that you have what you have. good and bad. ... maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, i think that the only perspective is to really be there. .... because it's okay to feel things. and be who you are about them."
this was a bunch of quotes in a few paragraphs lumped together. but this part/these parts really struck me and hit close to home. i always like to revisit and blame and use the past. it is my crutch and cushion. but the reality is, we all have a fucked up past. EVERYONE. im not special cos my life wasn't cookie cutter and squeaky clean and i have some stories that would make many grown men cry. that's not the point. the point is regardless of "who has it worse" ... it is what it is. i always hated when people would tell me that but it is the god's honest truth. it really just is what it is. my life is. it is good sometimes and it is bad sometimes. and it's ok if some nites i want to break down and cry. it's ok if sometimes i get mad and yell behind a closed bathroom door while im pretending to poop so i dont scare my kid. the reality is, those are my feelings. my past and my feelings and my current experiences... they are a part of my life and a part of my story and a part of me. it doesnt have to control me and dictate who i am in this very moment. i cant help what DID happen and the family i grew up in, but i can choose what path i take now and where my life is headed....
and that is that.
"I was very grateful to have heard it again. Because I guess we all forget sometimes. And I think everyone is special in their own way. I really do."
this part of the story is when charlie's teacher is telling him how special he is. and charlie doesnt know really what to say or how to feel. i was thinking about the times i've found notes in my box at work from my coworkers or my boss telling me that they appreciate me or a certain way i interact with a resident is encouraging to them or makes them happy. those times make me smile from ear to ear and with all of my insides. because when someone does take the time to tell me im special or important or appreciated or even a male genuinely meaning the words "you're pretty".... i am grateful. i don't hear those things very often. and i do forget. i think because im not like everyone else- im quirky and odd and weird and dorky- that i forget. i figure the only special ones are the "normal" ones but the funny truth is that, the more you get to know the "normals," they are usually as odd as or even MORE ODD than yourself. so normal, quirky, nerdy, whatever.... we've all got something that makes us special and valuable.
this last part is a very long bit of conversation between sam and charlie. this is probably the one point in the book when i felt like i could relate to sam. i felt like someone dug in the girl portion of my heart and took out all of my words:
"it's just that i dont want to be somebody's crush. if somebody likes me, i want them to like the real me, not what they think i am. and i dont want them to carry it around inside. i want them to show me, so i can feel it too. i want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. and if they do something i dont like, i'll tell them. ... you know i blamed craig for not letting me do things? you know how stupid i feel about that now? maybe he didnt really encourage me to do things, but he didnt prevent me from doing them either. but after a while, i didnt do things because i didnt want him to think different about me. but the thing is, i wasnt being honest. so why would i care whether or not he loved me when he didnt really even know me? so, tomorrow, im leaving. and im not going to let that happen again with anyone else. im going to do what i want to do. im going to be who i really am. and im going to figure out what that is."
this pretty much sums up my present, my want for the future, and my past with J. i can easily sit and blame, but the reality is, i lived a 4 year lie. and maybe the reason things havent been going too well in that department isn't just because i find myself surrounded by not the greatest caliber of male persons, but simply because i am quite honest. i don't think many people really have a grasp on who they are and the ones that do usually are faking it the best. hell, i still fake it sometimes. i know in part who i really am and i think more often than i care to admit, i'm still trying to figure out who/what that really is. i dont think many people know how to handle such directness and honesty. hell, i don't think i do either. but isnt that the beauty of life... to keep learning?
so, sorry for the lengthy post mixed with book review. i know it is some "coming of age" trendy story that i am referencing mixed with my usual BS, but... it helped me realize that i am not as alone as i think in how i feel and process. and that someone out there is on the same page..... somewhere. moral of the story, im not as lost or alone as i think i am.
and it also got me thinking even more.... and... i don't see that as a bad thing.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
a break from the monotone beat
im not sure what the fuck i've been listening to all night. this monotonous beat is numbing and i find my body moving at a snail's pace but my mind moving at light speed.
for once, oh for once, it is going to amazingly hopeful and positive places.
(nice break from the dismal reads, eh?)
i walked past my resident's door and im not sure if it was her idea or not, but a note i wrote her for christmas is on her door.... a reminder for her to be aware of what she speaks and to remember to be positive and that she is capable of far more than she knows. that melted my heart. and then i checked my little box and found all these positive little notes of encouragement that were left for me by my coworkers and residents.
words have so much power. i don't think we really take the time to realize it because we drone on day after day- routines, bullshit smiles and facades, mustering up the energy just to make it to the end when we can collapse into a safety net of cushion or booze.
i don't think many are actually very happy with who they are or what they do.
it's about the rat race, the money, the things and stuff and stuff and things. it's about knowing and being known.
rarely is any time spent thinking about how we can make someone ELSE's day and that totally shouldn't be the case. i like spreading smiles and kindness like stds. (gross analogy but whatever.)
but anyway im just feeling so hopeful.
in just a few days it will be a new year, a clean slate, a fresh start.
a break from the old and in with so many new things.
music is becoming a major priority in my life again. i feel at home with 6 strings beneath my fingers and sounds coming from the bowels of the past miseries and lessons learned. im going to shows and making time to hear LOCAL stuff (i heart you mpls).
muay thai gets to happen TWICE a week for me (at least til march) which is amazingly motivating so i can not only get my ass in gear, but also get BETTER at something i really like.
im nearing the end of school! limited scope license exam for xray and board exam for certification in medical assisting coming up sooooon. i graduate in september (3 months later than initially planned cos of a scheduling snafooooo but... the end is in sight!!!)!!!
i hope to move before my externship in july. i really don't know that i can study with all the homeowner crap going on.
im ready to meet new people and try new things.
im getting rid of some pretty unhealthy habits to better my body as a whole along with training more.
i want to go places and fly kites and create more memories with audrey and maybe find a special friend to make memories with. but if the latter doesnt happen, i honestly don't give a shit. i like where my life is right now and where it's going and .... i'll get where i need to be eventually.
i love the journey im on. i was thinking tonite about some awful mistakes ive made this year (sadly, most were in the form of trusting the opposite gender) but without those mistakes i wouldn't be where i am right now. i wouldnt have the tenacity and fire and drive that i do. im determined and set. im not letting any more people derail me. no more flaky bullshit fogging my view. i know where i want to be and nothing is going to stop me from getting there.
for the first time in my life i feel like im right where i need to be... im in the right place at the right time.... and i can't wait to see how this story unfolds.
for once, oh for once, it is going to amazingly hopeful and positive places.
(nice break from the dismal reads, eh?)
i walked past my resident's door and im not sure if it was her idea or not, but a note i wrote her for christmas is on her door.... a reminder for her to be aware of what she speaks and to remember to be positive and that she is capable of far more than she knows. that melted my heart. and then i checked my little box and found all these positive little notes of encouragement that were left for me by my coworkers and residents.
words have so much power. i don't think we really take the time to realize it because we drone on day after day- routines, bullshit smiles and facades, mustering up the energy just to make it to the end when we can collapse into a safety net of cushion or booze.
i don't think many are actually very happy with who they are or what they do.
it's about the rat race, the money, the things and stuff and stuff and things. it's about knowing and being known.
rarely is any time spent thinking about how we can make someone ELSE's day and that totally shouldn't be the case. i like spreading smiles and kindness like stds. (gross analogy but whatever.)
but anyway im just feeling so hopeful.
in just a few days it will be a new year, a clean slate, a fresh start.
a break from the old and in with so many new things.
music is becoming a major priority in my life again. i feel at home with 6 strings beneath my fingers and sounds coming from the bowels of the past miseries and lessons learned. im going to shows and making time to hear LOCAL stuff (i heart you mpls).
muay thai gets to happen TWICE a week for me (at least til march) which is amazingly motivating so i can not only get my ass in gear, but also get BETTER at something i really like.
im nearing the end of school! limited scope license exam for xray and board exam for certification in medical assisting coming up sooooon. i graduate in september (3 months later than initially planned cos of a scheduling snafooooo but... the end is in sight!!!)!!!
i hope to move before my externship in july. i really don't know that i can study with all the homeowner crap going on.
im ready to meet new people and try new things.
im getting rid of some pretty unhealthy habits to better my body as a whole along with training more.
i want to go places and fly kites and create more memories with audrey and maybe find a special friend to make memories with. but if the latter doesnt happen, i honestly don't give a shit. i like where my life is right now and where it's going and .... i'll get where i need to be eventually.
i love the journey im on. i was thinking tonite about some awful mistakes ive made this year (sadly, most were in the form of trusting the opposite gender) but without those mistakes i wouldn't be where i am right now. i wouldnt have the tenacity and fire and drive that i do. im determined and set. im not letting any more people derail me. no more flaky bullshit fogging my view. i know where i want to be and nothing is going to stop me from getting there.
for the first time in my life i feel like im right where i need to be... im in the right place at the right time.... and i can't wait to see how this story unfolds.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
oh my bubs...
it is so fun on overnight shifts when i have nothing better to do in an attempt to stay awake than to go thru pics from birth til now of my little lady bubs.
i think back to how many fun times we had together, how many adventures we've been on, how many scary moments we've had, how many smiles and laughs have been shared, and how many times she's fallen asleep in my arms to the sound of me singing to her.
her expressions are PRICELESS and i see so much of myself in her. i see my faces and expressions and can almost remember what was going on when i snapped the pic (although there are like 10000000000000000000000 pics of my kid on facebook so, i dont remember EVERYthing, just most things). i like thinking of what makes her smile and what gets her excited and has her just come ALIVE.
i didn't want to be a parent. she was unexpected.
i don't know what the HELL i would do without her tho.
she has taught me what love really is, what patience is about, and for fucks sake, HOW TO LIVE.
the most freeing moments of my own personal life journey have happened as a result of playing with her.
have you ever rolled down a hill of leaves and just laughed your ass off?
when was the last time you laid on your back in the quiet morning snowfall watching each flake cascade to the ground through the branches of the overhead tree?
how many times have you played pirates on an inflatable pool raft in the living room wearing pirate hats and swinging bubble swords, shooting sharks with a nerf gun, all while speaking in pirate-ese?
do admit the last time you made a marching band and played instruments marching around the house yelling at the top of your lungs.....
it's the little things, those moments that many are too ashamed to have or too busy to have, that i appreciate the most with her and i hope one day she remembers best.
i LOVE my bubs. LOVE LOVE LOVE that sweet little lady.
sometimes she says the cutest things...
"mommy i like you"
"i like going on adventures with you mommy. youre fun."
"you funny mama"
"you look so cute"
"im your doctor. i check your heart"
she loves me. she loves me. she loves me.
and that is all the love in the world i couldnt even ask for.
she is the greatest surprise and the most amazing gift i have ever received.
i love that i get to share her with others but i love most of all that she's mine, all mine.
i think back to how many fun times we had together, how many adventures we've been on, how many scary moments we've had, how many smiles and laughs have been shared, and how many times she's fallen asleep in my arms to the sound of me singing to her.
her expressions are PRICELESS and i see so much of myself in her. i see my faces and expressions and can almost remember what was going on when i snapped the pic (although there are like 10000000000000000000000 pics of my kid on facebook so, i dont remember EVERYthing, just most things). i like thinking of what makes her smile and what gets her excited and has her just come ALIVE.
i didn't want to be a parent. she was unexpected.
i don't know what the HELL i would do without her tho.
she has taught me what love really is, what patience is about, and for fucks sake, HOW TO LIVE.
the most freeing moments of my own personal life journey have happened as a result of playing with her.
have you ever rolled down a hill of leaves and just laughed your ass off?
when was the last time you laid on your back in the quiet morning snowfall watching each flake cascade to the ground through the branches of the overhead tree?
how many times have you played pirates on an inflatable pool raft in the living room wearing pirate hats and swinging bubble swords, shooting sharks with a nerf gun, all while speaking in pirate-ese?
do admit the last time you made a marching band and played instruments marching around the house yelling at the top of your lungs.....
it's the little things, those moments that many are too ashamed to have or too busy to have, that i appreciate the most with her and i hope one day she remembers best.
i LOVE my bubs. LOVE LOVE LOVE that sweet little lady.
sometimes she says the cutest things...
"mommy i like you"
"i like going on adventures with you mommy. youre fun."
"you funny mama"
"you look so cute"
"im your doctor. i check your heart"
she loves me. she loves me. she loves me.
and that is all the love in the world i couldnt even ask for.
she is the greatest surprise and the most amazing gift i have ever received.
i love that i get to share her with others but i love most of all that she's mine, all mine.
Friday, December 28, 2012
i didn't need this..... or maybe i did?
im slowly realizing at the closing of 2012 that it has probably been one of the worst years i have experienced in a long time.
not to say it didn't have its highs, but it definitely had its larger share of lows.
i let far too many people fool me and deceive me and definitely put myself a bit too far on the back burner.... again.
i don't need people to say things they don't mean to see how far they can take me or what they can get from me.
i don't need people using me for sex or an emotional crutch/boost to their ego.
i don't need people keeping me around for convenience.
i don't need people forgetting im a person with feelings too.
yes that has been a resounding theme throughout most of my posts recently.
friend or more than friend i just want someone to be conscious of what they say to me, how they act around me, and just... well, just fucking BE NICE. BE REAL.
i used to wonder what i was doing wrong. i used to think maybe i was too much, overwhelming, too nice, too friendly, or hyper puppy status.
but that's me.
i love to love people.
i love to give and smile and make others feel like they are the most important person in the world, even if it's just for a few minutes of our time together.
and that is NO crime at all.
so, 2013 is going to start with a bang.
this little lady is pretty much done giving a fuck.
im done holding out hands that are being used as ashtrays or as a whipping post.
im done taking the fall so others can get up and run.
not to say im done being kind and nice and myself around others.
im just done investing in people that absolutely do not deserve it.
so if you find that i am being more standoffish toward you in the next few days/weeks/months, maybe instead of thinking IM being a bitch or being mean and pms-ing, you should probably analyze your own actions and behavior.
the world would be a much better place if everyone was giving and loving toward one another- familiar faces and strangers alike. the world would be a much better place if everyone was selfless and kind. why does it have to take some apocalyptic disaster or worldwide tragedy for us to realize these things?
maybe dear reader, whoever you may or may not be, this is your wake-up call for a new year. stop being a jackass and be nice. stop only being thoughtful and kind to those in your inner circle and broaden your horizons to embrace people of different social statuses and groups. think of the people you're NOT getting to know because youre cold and close minded. life is not high school, or at least it shouldn't be. somehow it feels the same though.... being judged on who i know and what they wear and what they do. fuck that noise.
2013 is a new year.
im vowing it to be drama FREE.
im vowing it to be full of new experiences and new faces.
im putting my foot down to all dipshits and self-righteous buttfucks.
im vowing it to be a year i love so relentlessly and hopefully, and with that love, change a few people for the better.
maybe if a few more people jumped on that bandwagon, the world may be a nicer place to live in.
sorry for being so preachy and potty mouthed.
im just really tired of tacky people.
i mean shit, im gonna be 30.... i thought by NOW people would learn that someone is more than what they wear or who they hang out with or where they hang out.... sadly.... high school has seeped its nonsense into adulthood and im vowing to put my foot down to that as well.
cheers to a new year, new experiences, new people, and a very very very very very NEW life.
not to say it didn't have its highs, but it definitely had its larger share of lows.
i let far too many people fool me and deceive me and definitely put myself a bit too far on the back burner.... again.
i don't need people to say things they don't mean to see how far they can take me or what they can get from me.
i don't need people using me for sex or an emotional crutch/boost to their ego.
i don't need people keeping me around for convenience.
i don't need people forgetting im a person with feelings too.
yes that has been a resounding theme throughout most of my posts recently.
friend or more than friend i just want someone to be conscious of what they say to me, how they act around me, and just... well, just fucking BE NICE. BE REAL.
i used to wonder what i was doing wrong. i used to think maybe i was too much, overwhelming, too nice, too friendly, or hyper puppy status.
but that's me.
i love to love people.
i love to give and smile and make others feel like they are the most important person in the world, even if it's just for a few minutes of our time together.
and that is NO crime at all.
so, 2013 is going to start with a bang.
this little lady is pretty much done giving a fuck.
im done holding out hands that are being used as ashtrays or as a whipping post.
im done taking the fall so others can get up and run.
not to say im done being kind and nice and myself around others.
im just done investing in people that absolutely do not deserve it.
so if you find that i am being more standoffish toward you in the next few days/weeks/months, maybe instead of thinking IM being a bitch or being mean and pms-ing, you should probably analyze your own actions and behavior.
the world would be a much better place if everyone was giving and loving toward one another- familiar faces and strangers alike. the world would be a much better place if everyone was selfless and kind. why does it have to take some apocalyptic disaster or worldwide tragedy for us to realize these things?
maybe dear reader, whoever you may or may not be, this is your wake-up call for a new year. stop being a jackass and be nice. stop only being thoughtful and kind to those in your inner circle and broaden your horizons to embrace people of different social statuses and groups. think of the people you're NOT getting to know because youre cold and close minded. life is not high school, or at least it shouldn't be. somehow it feels the same though.... being judged on who i know and what they wear and what they do. fuck that noise.
2013 is a new year.
im vowing it to be drama FREE.
im vowing it to be full of new experiences and new faces.
im putting my foot down to all dipshits and self-righteous buttfucks.
im vowing it to be a year i love so relentlessly and hopefully, and with that love, change a few people for the better.
maybe if a few more people jumped on that bandwagon, the world may be a nicer place to live in.
sorry for being so preachy and potty mouthed.
im just really tired of tacky people.
i mean shit, im gonna be 30.... i thought by NOW people would learn that someone is more than what they wear or who they hang out with or where they hang out.... sadly.... high school has seeped its nonsense into adulthood and im vowing to put my foot down to that as well.
cheers to a new year, new experiences, new people, and a very very very very very NEW life.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
my heart on the string of my sleeve
im a hopeless romantic.
a believer in the bullshit.
a holder of hope for the redeeming twist of fate.
i put up a front that im disgusted by "love" and all it's gushiness.
reality is, i love music and movies from my grandparents' era simply because deep down i love that classic, romantic swagger about it all.
i love the story my grandma told me of how her and my grandpa got together.
how patient he was and how he pursued her even though she was kinda keeping her options open. (go grams!)
the modern day kelly is a hard exterior with a completely gushy center.
i have to be hard tho.
or at least i think i do.
i have to be strong and tough and put together and on my own.
i have to show A that she can do anything she wants.
i have to prove to myself that i can do it on my own and that i don't need anyone.
that last sentence.... i dont know why.
i think the reality is im not sure i can remember the last time someone was genuinely nice to me.
i cant remember the last time i was paid a genuine compliment without there being some ulterior motive.
i cant.
(by the way these statements apply to the male gender only and not my "bro's.")
maybe im too nice.
maybe im too trusting and too giving and ...
too stupid?
too gullible?
i like to believe there is amazing amounts of good in everyone and repeatedly am bludgeoned over the head with the reality that people are inherently selfish and self serving.
the society we live in is a "gimme now" and "nower" kind of society.
we have everything at our fingertips and are no longer prompted to give and be kind.
we are prompted to get get get and crave more more more and be forever unsatisfied.
i feel like im living in a fantasy... a disney movie of sorts.
i appreciate the little shit.... a picked flower, a sticky note with a few kind words on the bathroom mirror, someone else making dinner and/or cleaning up, random moments of complete sweetness.
i spend my days making sure everyone else is happy and taken care of and feels loved.
i just assume that is all everyone wants - to feel loved and accepted and taken care of....
so why not just do it regardless of reciprocation?
there comes a point though where you spend and spend and give and give and are running kind of low and dry.
you become cracked and a bitter, jaded, cynical little miss.
im at war with my innerds.
i would love to one day have someone there as my partner in crime, my adventure buddy to have dance parties with and listen to records....
i would love one day to have the goofy life that i picture in my head.
the realist in me says to my head and my heart "shut up fool, it's not real."
so im kind of torn.
i want to believe someone can be genuinely nice to me and not for some ass or what little money i do have or to better their own self esteem, but sincerely just because they value me as a human.
maybe one day?
and then i get angry cos i know some pretty terrible females and they are the center of the male world and always liked and admired and i....
im the filler, the in between, the one until better comes along.
and that gets really annoying.
mostly because i realize it a little too late.
red flags and warnings and sirens are going off the entire time and i am completely oblivious because someone is seemingly kind to me.
then when i snap back into reality and see red flashing lights everywhere, i'm usually burned and it's a little too late.
i have to say i have gotten a little better at putting my foot down and doing the dumpING instead of being the dumpEE though.
it's easy to UNanger at the girls that are always in demand and are always admired.
three simple words making an amazingly empowering sentence that i remember on birthdays and holidays and random days when im alone with my cat and A is asleep.
I HAVE STANDARDS.
i refuse to be used for ass.
i refuse to be walked all over.
i refuse to be forgotten.
i refuse to put up with alcoholism and denial.
i refuse to put up with childish behaviors.
i refuse to put up with someone who has no goals or ambitions or drive.
i know what i want.
and if that means my fairytale reality is going to be put on a complete hold for the rest of my life and all i will be is a being that gives and loves until they are spent completely, then so be it i guess.
i would rather love others than have some bullshit figment of "love" in return.
i had that.
i don't want it again.
i want something real and genuine and simple.
SIMPLE is key.
im a simple girl with simple pleasures.
im a nerd to the core.
i have the whitest white kid dance moves but will shamelessly flaunt them just because i can.
i would rather smile and laugh than be serious and "adult."
i like to find entertainment in the most mundane situations.
i love making people feel special and happy and important.
so one day....
one day the old school era of men opening doors and doing the pursuing.... the old school era of dancing withOUT grinding all over someone's junk.... the old school era of being simple and honest....
i'll wait for that please.
til then............ hugs for everyone.
i have plenty of amazing people in my life that love me for who i am and appreciate and value all of my quirks and oddities.
for those i am thankful and truly blessed beyond belief.
i have more support than i will ever understand and am not as alone as i would like to sometimes believe.
so i think im ok to have standards and wait.
i've never been much for settling anyway.
a believer in the bullshit.
a holder of hope for the redeeming twist of fate.
i put up a front that im disgusted by "love" and all it's gushiness.
reality is, i love music and movies from my grandparents' era simply because deep down i love that classic, romantic swagger about it all.
i love the story my grandma told me of how her and my grandpa got together.
how patient he was and how he pursued her even though she was kinda keeping her options open. (go grams!)
the modern day kelly is a hard exterior with a completely gushy center.
i have to be hard tho.
or at least i think i do.
i have to be strong and tough and put together and on my own.
i have to show A that she can do anything she wants.
i have to prove to myself that i can do it on my own and that i don't need anyone.
that last sentence.... i dont know why.
i think the reality is im not sure i can remember the last time someone was genuinely nice to me.
i cant remember the last time i was paid a genuine compliment without there being some ulterior motive.
i cant.
(by the way these statements apply to the male gender only and not my "bro's.")
maybe im too nice.
maybe im too trusting and too giving and ...
too stupid?
too gullible?
i like to believe there is amazing amounts of good in everyone and repeatedly am bludgeoned over the head with the reality that people are inherently selfish and self serving.
the society we live in is a "gimme now" and "nower" kind of society.
we have everything at our fingertips and are no longer prompted to give and be kind.
we are prompted to get get get and crave more more more and be forever unsatisfied.
i feel like im living in a fantasy... a disney movie of sorts.
i appreciate the little shit.... a picked flower, a sticky note with a few kind words on the bathroom mirror, someone else making dinner and/or cleaning up, random moments of complete sweetness.
i spend my days making sure everyone else is happy and taken care of and feels loved.
i just assume that is all everyone wants - to feel loved and accepted and taken care of....
so why not just do it regardless of reciprocation?
there comes a point though where you spend and spend and give and give and are running kind of low and dry.
you become cracked and a bitter, jaded, cynical little miss.
im at war with my innerds.
i would love to one day have someone there as my partner in crime, my adventure buddy to have dance parties with and listen to records....
i would love one day to have the goofy life that i picture in my head.
the realist in me says to my head and my heart "shut up fool, it's not real."
so im kind of torn.
i want to believe someone can be genuinely nice to me and not for some ass or what little money i do have or to better their own self esteem, but sincerely just because they value me as a human.
maybe one day?
and then i get angry cos i know some pretty terrible females and they are the center of the male world and always liked and admired and i....
im the filler, the in between, the one until better comes along.
and that gets really annoying.
mostly because i realize it a little too late.
red flags and warnings and sirens are going off the entire time and i am completely oblivious because someone is seemingly kind to me.
then when i snap back into reality and see red flashing lights everywhere, i'm usually burned and it's a little too late.
i have to say i have gotten a little better at putting my foot down and doing the dumpING instead of being the dumpEE though.
it's easy to UNanger at the girls that are always in demand and are always admired.
three simple words making an amazingly empowering sentence that i remember on birthdays and holidays and random days when im alone with my cat and A is asleep.
I HAVE STANDARDS.
i refuse to be used for ass.
i refuse to be walked all over.
i refuse to be forgotten.
i refuse to put up with alcoholism and denial.
i refuse to put up with childish behaviors.
i refuse to put up with someone who has no goals or ambitions or drive.
i know what i want.
and if that means my fairytale reality is going to be put on a complete hold for the rest of my life and all i will be is a being that gives and loves until they are spent completely, then so be it i guess.
i would rather love others than have some bullshit figment of "love" in return.
i had that.
i don't want it again.
i want something real and genuine and simple.
SIMPLE is key.
im a simple girl with simple pleasures.
im a nerd to the core.
i have the whitest white kid dance moves but will shamelessly flaunt them just because i can.
i would rather smile and laugh than be serious and "adult."
i like to find entertainment in the most mundane situations.
i love making people feel special and happy and important.
so one day....
one day the old school era of men opening doors and doing the pursuing.... the old school era of dancing withOUT grinding all over someone's junk.... the old school era of being simple and honest....
i'll wait for that please.
til then............ hugs for everyone.
i have plenty of amazing people in my life that love me for who i am and appreciate and value all of my quirks and oddities.
for those i am thankful and truly blessed beyond belief.
i have more support than i will ever understand and am not as alone as i would like to sometimes believe.
so i think im ok to have standards and wait.
i've never been much for settling anyway.
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