quite literally actually.
i had no idea honestly that a 96 year old house with wood trim EVERYWHERE, including the ceilings, would collect that much dust and cobwebs. but then again, i have absolutely no freakin clue when i cleaned those places last. i mean yeah i clean the stuff i notice, but im a really short girl, soooo stuff up near the ceiling, i dont take notice of.
and holy shit i should have. what on a weekly basis would take me like 10 minutes tops, took me almost an hour. i got meticulous tho with my crazy OCD brain cleaning every little nook i could find, high and low.
why the fuck am i talking about cleaning my house? cos suddenly it hit home.
this one little task i kept putting off...with some weekly upkeep would not be super overwhelming and time consuming and out of hand. i kept ignoring it until it was really quite ridiculous. just like a lot of issues in my own life. things i think i have under control or that aren't a big deal have suddenly blinded me like staring at headlights at night. they've become like a car, racing drunkenly down some abandoned road nearly about to hit the one stupid person wandering that area late at night. before the fatal crash, all this person sees is a bright light.... these blinding headlights of an out of control car.
and easily .... easily... shit has just gotten out of control. meh, it's a little TOO personal to start listing ALL of my issues (although, aside from describing my menstrual cycle, this whole blog is pretty damn personal), but a number of things i thought i had under control have cornered me and blinded me and finally, i decided to get some help for them.
and i am not the type of person to ask for help. i am royally too stubborn. i would rather look like a failing fool most of the time than let anyone extend a hand to help. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand ive gotten pretty good at failing and looking foolish.
the screaming voices of all the things i cant deal with on my own have brought about insomnia, crazy amounts of unnecessary stress, and a lack of motivation for the things i usually am all about. i have no shame in admitting all of this. everyone, and i mean, EVERY LAST PERSON ON THIS PLANET, has one or a hundred things they are dealing with. im out of options and resources and hands to keep doing this myself.
my cryptic facebook nonsense last nite was just that. i am going to let go of things to free up some time to get some help. i wont be seeing people as much any more in order to focus on school and taking care of things at home and with my own self.
i have this horrible habit of putting everything off til later. how many laters do you go through before what could have and should have been something quick and easy becomes a time consuming monster of a project?
so, day 1. i am getting some help. i cleaned some cobwebs. i crossed one thing off my 4 page " to do" list. id say today has been productive.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
revolving door
my life, like anyone's, has been a consistent revolving door of hello's and goodbye's.... embraceable and bittersweet.
years ago, when i first moved out here, my focus was music. i wrote horribly sad songs of heartache and all my insecurities and confusion. i played for semi-empty coffee houses and played at the fine line even on monday nights once a month.... and then i met J. and there were some issues there to where i gave up on something i loved. i said goodbye to it and hello to jiu jitsu.
now seriously, dont get me wrong.... i love my family at AMA and all the people i trained with that helped me get better and grow. i LOVE my Papa Junior for teaching me about life and respect and self respect. i can not even put to words the lessons that man has taught me and how much i love that i can call him family. i dont have blood family out here so to have my gym family, that is probably WHY i gave up on something i loved so much. i can't complain as i said cos i won a national title in bjj and a state title in judo. that's some serious business.
then injury and pregnancy led me to like a near 4 year hiatus. i met muay thai and fell in a love affair with it as well. i found my jiu jitsu gi and the blue belt id earned and decided this year i was going to make music, train, go to school, hang out with audrey, etc etc etc.....
i cant. i cant do it. i am slightly running myself ragged with all of the ambitious goals i'd set for myself. granted, yes, it's only february, but... something's gotta give.
with what little free time i do have, and since i dont really have babysitter access, i think muay thai is going to have to take an even farther back seat in my life for music. i already set it down once and now it looks like the wheels may be in motion to get going in that area of my life again and... i dont want to set it down again. it's probably the only time during the day i feel happiest and alive and completely at peace with the screaming voices in and around my head- when i am listening to a really amazing song and singing along in my car at the top of my lungs dancing like a complete fool, or sitting and writing my own attempt at a great song.
i cant keep trying to invest my energy in 1000 places at once. i cant do it. so im sorry to my fam at the gym. im sorry to the gloves and shin pads i invested money in, but for now, YOU have to take the back seat. it's not forever as i've noticed the revolving door pattern, and yes, this is a bittersweet break, but... i miss that feeling of being alive. i miss that feeling of my heart smiling. i miss that gut feeling of knowing i am right where i belong.
i love how everything in my life has brought some amazing challenges. i love how they come and go. music has challenged me to work through some incredible insecurities and issues and heartaches. judo and jiu jitsu challenged me to think outside the scope of what i thought i could do. i mean shit, i am NOT athletic by any means, and i won medals. i beat a junior olympian for judo. i could have gone on to be really great at the rate i was going but then i got hurt and then audrey came along. and that was a completely different challenge.... being a mom and then being a SINGLE mom. holy shit that is challenging but im learning about patience and responsibility for someone else's growth and outlook, and LOVE ... REAL MOTHER FUCKING LOVE. school has challenged me hardcore not just academically but personally believing that i am smart and able to do this. there is a lot more to me than i have begun to tap into or even realize... and muay thai, this was kind of like another reminder to stick up for myself because no one else will if i dont. muay thai has challenged me hard in believing in myself and trusting what i know as well. i doubt myself and have like ZERO confidence and it has taught me that in order to be good and win, i have to have confidence in what ive learned.
what an amazing overall life lesson- you need to have confidence in what you've learned to win.
so with all of the crazy opportunities and adventures ive had so far.... it's nice to step back and see where theyve brought me so far. and... i think it's time to challenge myself again.... to have confidence in what i've learned and what i continue to learn. to stand up for what i like because if i dont, no one else will.... and if i wait any longer, i may be too lazy to ever really.
so, im not sure WHEN, but muay thai and my gym fam will be seeing my face even less than my clumsy ass has allowed me to be there.... but i feel like it's for something great... for something my life needs... a stab of adrenaline to the heart to shock me back to a state of existence. and i cant wait to see what i have to learn this time.
years ago, when i first moved out here, my focus was music. i wrote horribly sad songs of heartache and all my insecurities and confusion. i played for semi-empty coffee houses and played at the fine line even on monday nights once a month.... and then i met J. and there were some issues there to where i gave up on something i loved. i said goodbye to it and hello to jiu jitsu.
now seriously, dont get me wrong.... i love my family at AMA and all the people i trained with that helped me get better and grow. i LOVE my Papa Junior for teaching me about life and respect and self respect. i can not even put to words the lessons that man has taught me and how much i love that i can call him family. i dont have blood family out here so to have my gym family, that is probably WHY i gave up on something i loved so much. i can't complain as i said cos i won a national title in bjj and a state title in judo. that's some serious business.
then injury and pregnancy led me to like a near 4 year hiatus. i met muay thai and fell in a love affair with it as well. i found my jiu jitsu gi and the blue belt id earned and decided this year i was going to make music, train, go to school, hang out with audrey, etc etc etc.....
i cant. i cant do it. i am slightly running myself ragged with all of the ambitious goals i'd set for myself. granted, yes, it's only february, but... something's gotta give.
with what little free time i do have, and since i dont really have babysitter access, i think muay thai is going to have to take an even farther back seat in my life for music. i already set it down once and now it looks like the wheels may be in motion to get going in that area of my life again and... i dont want to set it down again. it's probably the only time during the day i feel happiest and alive and completely at peace with the screaming voices in and around my head- when i am listening to a really amazing song and singing along in my car at the top of my lungs dancing like a complete fool, or sitting and writing my own attempt at a great song.
i cant keep trying to invest my energy in 1000 places at once. i cant do it. so im sorry to my fam at the gym. im sorry to the gloves and shin pads i invested money in, but for now, YOU have to take the back seat. it's not forever as i've noticed the revolving door pattern, and yes, this is a bittersweet break, but... i miss that feeling of being alive. i miss that feeling of my heart smiling. i miss that gut feeling of knowing i am right where i belong.
i love how everything in my life has brought some amazing challenges. i love how they come and go. music has challenged me to work through some incredible insecurities and issues and heartaches. judo and jiu jitsu challenged me to think outside the scope of what i thought i could do. i mean shit, i am NOT athletic by any means, and i won medals. i beat a junior olympian for judo. i could have gone on to be really great at the rate i was going but then i got hurt and then audrey came along. and that was a completely different challenge.... being a mom and then being a SINGLE mom. holy shit that is challenging but im learning about patience and responsibility for someone else's growth and outlook, and LOVE ... REAL MOTHER FUCKING LOVE. school has challenged me hardcore not just academically but personally believing that i am smart and able to do this. there is a lot more to me than i have begun to tap into or even realize... and muay thai, this was kind of like another reminder to stick up for myself because no one else will if i dont. muay thai has challenged me hard in believing in myself and trusting what i know as well. i doubt myself and have like ZERO confidence and it has taught me that in order to be good and win, i have to have confidence in what ive learned.
what an amazing overall life lesson- you need to have confidence in what you've learned to win.
so with all of the crazy opportunities and adventures ive had so far.... it's nice to step back and see where theyve brought me so far. and... i think it's time to challenge myself again.... to have confidence in what i've learned and what i continue to learn. to stand up for what i like because if i dont, no one else will.... and if i wait any longer, i may be too lazy to ever really.
so, im not sure WHEN, but muay thai and my gym fam will be seeing my face even less than my clumsy ass has allowed me to be there.... but i feel like it's for something great... for something my life needs... a stab of adrenaline to the heart to shock me back to a state of existence. and i cant wait to see what i have to learn this time.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
id like to stab cupid with an arrow
i hate valentines day. sure when youre a kid in grade school it's cute.... you make little "mailboxes" and give each other like barbie or superhero cardboard valentines that come with a cool sucker or those shitty candy hearts that taste like chalk.
when you grow up its so much about a boyfriend/girlfriend scenario. it's about what they got you and what you got them. it's this forced focus on having to be with someone.
and its stupid. i can be straight and say that since i was a kid, i havent had anyone do anything for me. like honestly there was never that one moment on this ridiculous holiday where i was like "damn i feel important."
the onslaught of moronic male figures that have come in and out of my life faster than people in the white castle bathroom post-eating is just insane. i mean, up until my ex, it was sad how little i mattered and how much i put up with it as normal. then i got a self esteem. then i wanted to know i mattered. then i spoke up.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! USING YOUR GOD DAMN WORDS???? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!!!
yeah i am absolutely the worst at conveying how i feel. i can write papers for days and have them make absolute perfect sense. trying to tell someone how i feel and how their actions cause me to react and feel.... nope.
yeah i have issues. who doesnt? it takes a real person to accept someone for who they are, issues and all. again, who DOESNT have some sort of shithole story about someone that really fucked them over and ruined them. sadly.... haha with the way my life goes, i have about 7 or so stories that could make your jaw drop.
so lets just say im broken. im a broken record really. same stupid trusting me. same cheating asshole. same selfishness. same ignorance. same scenario where i matter zero.
and i cant take that. not anymore. something inside me snapped. i have to stand up for myself because no one else will. what makes ME any less of a person? what makes my feelings any less valid?
no, you dont have to AGREE with how i feel but just HEAR ME. try to step inside my chaotic and DEMANDING life to just understand.
and no one ever does. the way i say how i feel and the fact that i AM saying how i feel... it comes across bitchy, demanding, abrasive, offensive, pushy.... you name the negative adjective it probably has been spoken of me.
my normal pattern is to go into hiding. excommunicate myself from mutual acquaintances in some awkward fashion.... i lost so many people that way.
im tired of feeling so alone. im tired of feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and my back is about to break. im tired of feeling like i have to be ON and PERFECT and AT MY BEST ALLLLLL THE TIME. im tired of feeling like i have to be EVERYTHING for EVERYONE at ALL TIMES! it's not possible. i need rest. i need a break. im going to snap.
i always have to compromise and deal with things... thats just the way they are. NO MORE. since i was a kid ive been fiesty... i want reason and sense. i am explosive and passionate and, well, kind of a god damn hippie. maybe thats why i make a good mom. i just want everyone to be happy, have fun, be fair and kind and accept people for who they are but be OPEN to seeing other peoples' viewpoints and be willing to change when necessary. no not change YOU because that's just silly, but i dont think sometimes we realize how our actions and behaviors can be seen or felt by others because in our mind, we see it a totally different way.
oh the power of human perspective.
anyway, back to the point of hating gushy shit....
because of how words have been so misused and how ive even BEEN used, it's hard. it's hard to decipher the genuine from the fake. it's hard to know when is ok to trust. it's hard to know when its ok to be honest and to feel things that may not be accepted. it's hard to know how to say what you want to say without coming across like a moron. and then all of the above ball up into the perfect shit storm which is every relationship ive ever been. i either pick horrible people or its just me. id like to think a little of both.
and my timing is off like WHOA. i never listen when my gut says slow down. i never listen when my head reminds my heart (or the other way around) of recent events.
somehow tho i am the fuck up. somehow tho i am always at fault. i assume that people are only saying certain things to me and mean them. i assume that i can share my feelings and fears and thoughts without being judged. i always run too fast with the fastest of runners and cant keep up the pace. i say the wrong thing at the wrong time. i ask for clarification. i have issues from my past that rear their ugly faces at the worst times scaring me back to my iron fort.
maybe i should make it my residence.
im tired of being put on full public blast for expressing how i felt. everyone is entitled to feel regardless of agreement or not. sometimes, especially as a female, you just want to know that youre being heard and understood.
god damn the female brain.
so back to my own two feet. time to tie the shoes again cos i keep trippin over the laces.
happy hallmark bullshit day.
when you grow up its so much about a boyfriend/girlfriend scenario. it's about what they got you and what you got them. it's this forced focus on having to be with someone.
and its stupid. i can be straight and say that since i was a kid, i havent had anyone do anything for me. like honestly there was never that one moment on this ridiculous holiday where i was like "damn i feel important."
the onslaught of moronic male figures that have come in and out of my life faster than people in the white castle bathroom post-eating is just insane. i mean, up until my ex, it was sad how little i mattered and how much i put up with it as normal. then i got a self esteem. then i wanted to know i mattered. then i spoke up.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! USING YOUR GOD DAMN WORDS???? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!!!
yeah i am absolutely the worst at conveying how i feel. i can write papers for days and have them make absolute perfect sense. trying to tell someone how i feel and how their actions cause me to react and feel.... nope.
yeah i have issues. who doesnt? it takes a real person to accept someone for who they are, issues and all. again, who DOESNT have some sort of shithole story about someone that really fucked them over and ruined them. sadly.... haha with the way my life goes, i have about 7 or so stories that could make your jaw drop.
so lets just say im broken. im a broken record really. same stupid trusting me. same cheating asshole. same selfishness. same ignorance. same scenario where i matter zero.
and i cant take that. not anymore. something inside me snapped. i have to stand up for myself because no one else will. what makes ME any less of a person? what makes my feelings any less valid?
no, you dont have to AGREE with how i feel but just HEAR ME. try to step inside my chaotic and DEMANDING life to just understand.
and no one ever does. the way i say how i feel and the fact that i AM saying how i feel... it comes across bitchy, demanding, abrasive, offensive, pushy.... you name the negative adjective it probably has been spoken of me.
my normal pattern is to go into hiding. excommunicate myself from mutual acquaintances in some awkward fashion.... i lost so many people that way.
im tired of feeling so alone. im tired of feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and my back is about to break. im tired of feeling like i have to be ON and PERFECT and AT MY BEST ALLLLLL THE TIME. im tired of feeling like i have to be EVERYTHING for EVERYONE at ALL TIMES! it's not possible. i need rest. i need a break. im going to snap.
i always have to compromise and deal with things... thats just the way they are. NO MORE. since i was a kid ive been fiesty... i want reason and sense. i am explosive and passionate and, well, kind of a god damn hippie. maybe thats why i make a good mom. i just want everyone to be happy, have fun, be fair and kind and accept people for who they are but be OPEN to seeing other peoples' viewpoints and be willing to change when necessary. no not change YOU because that's just silly, but i dont think sometimes we realize how our actions and behaviors can be seen or felt by others because in our mind, we see it a totally different way.
oh the power of human perspective.
anyway, back to the point of hating gushy shit....
because of how words have been so misused and how ive even BEEN used, it's hard. it's hard to decipher the genuine from the fake. it's hard to know when is ok to trust. it's hard to know when its ok to be honest and to feel things that may not be accepted. it's hard to know how to say what you want to say without coming across like a moron. and then all of the above ball up into the perfect shit storm which is every relationship ive ever been. i either pick horrible people or its just me. id like to think a little of both.
and my timing is off like WHOA. i never listen when my gut says slow down. i never listen when my head reminds my heart (or the other way around) of recent events.
somehow tho i am the fuck up. somehow tho i am always at fault. i assume that people are only saying certain things to me and mean them. i assume that i can share my feelings and fears and thoughts without being judged. i always run too fast with the fastest of runners and cant keep up the pace. i say the wrong thing at the wrong time. i ask for clarification. i have issues from my past that rear their ugly faces at the worst times scaring me back to my iron fort.
maybe i should make it my residence.
im tired of being put on full public blast for expressing how i felt. everyone is entitled to feel regardless of agreement or not. sometimes, especially as a female, you just want to know that youre being heard and understood.
god damn the female brain.
so back to my own two feet. time to tie the shoes again cos i keep trippin over the laces.
happy hallmark bullshit day.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
probably gonna be a sad/dark one
i cant for the life of me sleep. since last thursday i cant sleep for shit.
i am physically, and oh so emotionally drained.
im emotional. the stupidest things make me cry.
and i say things. i read more into things than probably exist.
im overwhelmed.
it's fair enough to just say i am completely exhausted.
in trying to stay busy to have the male gender leave me be so i dont get hurt any more, i forgot to leave time for ME- to actually hang out with ME and appreciate myself.
i havent felt this dead in ages.
i would welcome any sort of physical contact to let me know i still exist and im still here.
shit i would welcome stubbing my toe at this point to just feel SOMETHING.
and no, im not "depressed" or whatever... im just... burned out.
in trying so hard to flee pain, i guess i ended up fleeing life.
life is a constant wave of pain and smiles.
you cant just take the good. you cant just take the bad.
otherwise youre one long flat line on the screen and all that signals is that your heart stopped beating and youre no longer alive...
and maybe thats why i feel barely here.
i did this to myself.
i isolated myself.
i question everything everyone says or does.
all to avoid being hurt.
all to avoid what may or may not happen.
i just assume it will and want to beat life to the punch and end up beating up someone else with pretty genuine intentions.
i wish i could just knock it off. and it doesnt help having an over-analytical girl brain either.
more than anything i just want family and regardless of whether its blood family or the family i have at the gym or new people i meet that have their own set established ways of existing, i always end up doing something wrong or being myself to bring me back to this place of isolation.
so yeah, i would welcome anything to help me feel human again.
right now i feel like a zombie- not quite fully dead, not quite fully alive.
and you may wonder why the fuck in the great spaghetti monster's name im posting this shit.... i cant say i really know. but if you got down to this point, you read it.... for whatever reason you read it to the end.
now we both have questions.
i am physically, and oh so emotionally drained.
im emotional. the stupidest things make me cry.
and i say things. i read more into things than probably exist.
im overwhelmed.
it's fair enough to just say i am completely exhausted.
in trying to stay busy to have the male gender leave me be so i dont get hurt any more, i forgot to leave time for ME- to actually hang out with ME and appreciate myself.
i havent felt this dead in ages.
i would welcome any sort of physical contact to let me know i still exist and im still here.
shit i would welcome stubbing my toe at this point to just feel SOMETHING.
and no, im not "depressed" or whatever... im just... burned out.
in trying so hard to flee pain, i guess i ended up fleeing life.
life is a constant wave of pain and smiles.
you cant just take the good. you cant just take the bad.
otherwise youre one long flat line on the screen and all that signals is that your heart stopped beating and youre no longer alive...
and maybe thats why i feel barely here.
i did this to myself.
i isolated myself.
i question everything everyone says or does.
all to avoid being hurt.
all to avoid what may or may not happen.
i just assume it will and want to beat life to the punch and end up beating up someone else with pretty genuine intentions.
i wish i could just knock it off. and it doesnt help having an over-analytical girl brain either.
more than anything i just want family and regardless of whether its blood family or the family i have at the gym or new people i meet that have their own set established ways of existing, i always end up doing something wrong or being myself to bring me back to this place of isolation.
so yeah, i would welcome anything to help me feel human again.
right now i feel like a zombie- not quite fully dead, not quite fully alive.
and you may wonder why the fuck in the great spaghetti monster's name im posting this shit.... i cant say i really know. but if you got down to this point, you read it.... for whatever reason you read it to the end.
now we both have questions.
Friday, February 8, 2013
my dear sweet friend
today a resident of mine was very sad. she cried all night. she cried most of the day. it was brought to our attention that a resident that had passed away last year had had his funeral that exact same day one year ago.
last saturday i was curious as to why i was having strange occurrences that were mildly paranormal and while cleaning my house i threw out a calendar that noted the day he had passed away exactly one year ago.
so im taking a minute to stop and remember him.
before he had gotten really sick he was a very funny man. he was a joker and yet he could be so temperamental, but all of it....it was so... him. he loved to sing and dance and laugh. he loved God and going to church. he had the most amazing smile and then, when you pushed the right buttons, he made the maddest face, but even then it was so endearing. he was a resident that could not speak many words at all. but oh boy did he let you know how he was feeling - happy or sad. he loved johnny cash. i remember helping him in the mornings singing johnny cash songs with him and having him smile and sing along. i remember dancing and clapping with him. i remember helping him get ready in the morning and how he'd sit in his favorite recliner with a blanket over his lap, watching the sun come up with some jazz or old country music on.... and he looked so... content.
then he got sick. it was so sad to watch him deteriorate to the point of being on hospice. his final days were heartbreaking but he pushed through to spend one last christmas with his family. i got to help him open his presents that night and although he wasn't in super smiley mode, you could tell he was glad to be there amongst family.
the night he died i was a few minutes too late to say my goodbye, but sitting beside his bed, staring at his lifeless, cold body.... i felt like he knew and it was enough.
it was nice to reflect on what he taught me then and it is nice to revisit it now.....
he taught me to love life. he taught me to appreciate the little things and enjoy them. oh my goodness to enjoy them. while he was on hospice he pretty much got to eat whatever he wanted and it was so sweet to see him enjoy cheesecake and ice cream even though he couldnt stomach much. he taught me to dance like no one was watching regardless IF anyone was watching. he taught me to laugh and not to sweat the small things. he taught me to enjoy the early morning quiet. he taught me to appreciate the family around me, blood related or not. he taught me to LOVE music and to SING all the time. i could go on and on about all the things that man taught me in such a short time.
i remember saying good bye to him after every overnight shift never being sure when i would see him next.... and never really getting a chance to say goodbye before he slipped away. i still stare at the room he passed away in and miss him. he was so loved and so cared for and so appreciated by so many people.
so dear friend, dear sweet sweet friend... we miss you. i still miss you and shed happy tears as i type this little note. maybe i never said it enough to you while you were here, but you really taught me so much and left a huge impact on my life. i learned a lot of johnny cash songs and taught my little bubs how to sing them too. you'd be proud. i hope wherever your sweet spirit is, that you are dancing and laughing and singing. i hope you are eating all the ice cream and cheesecake you want and having a blast. you're missed. more than maybe you ever thought you would be.
last saturday i was curious as to why i was having strange occurrences that were mildly paranormal and while cleaning my house i threw out a calendar that noted the day he had passed away exactly one year ago.
so im taking a minute to stop and remember him.
before he had gotten really sick he was a very funny man. he was a joker and yet he could be so temperamental, but all of it....it was so... him. he loved to sing and dance and laugh. he loved God and going to church. he had the most amazing smile and then, when you pushed the right buttons, he made the maddest face, but even then it was so endearing. he was a resident that could not speak many words at all. but oh boy did he let you know how he was feeling - happy or sad. he loved johnny cash. i remember helping him in the mornings singing johnny cash songs with him and having him smile and sing along. i remember dancing and clapping with him. i remember helping him get ready in the morning and how he'd sit in his favorite recliner with a blanket over his lap, watching the sun come up with some jazz or old country music on.... and he looked so... content.
then he got sick. it was so sad to watch him deteriorate to the point of being on hospice. his final days were heartbreaking but he pushed through to spend one last christmas with his family. i got to help him open his presents that night and although he wasn't in super smiley mode, you could tell he was glad to be there amongst family.
the night he died i was a few minutes too late to say my goodbye, but sitting beside his bed, staring at his lifeless, cold body.... i felt like he knew and it was enough.
it was nice to reflect on what he taught me then and it is nice to revisit it now.....
he taught me to love life. he taught me to appreciate the little things and enjoy them. oh my goodness to enjoy them. while he was on hospice he pretty much got to eat whatever he wanted and it was so sweet to see him enjoy cheesecake and ice cream even though he couldnt stomach much. he taught me to dance like no one was watching regardless IF anyone was watching. he taught me to laugh and not to sweat the small things. he taught me to enjoy the early morning quiet. he taught me to appreciate the family around me, blood related or not. he taught me to LOVE music and to SING all the time. i could go on and on about all the things that man taught me in such a short time.
i remember saying good bye to him after every overnight shift never being sure when i would see him next.... and never really getting a chance to say goodbye before he slipped away. i still stare at the room he passed away in and miss him. he was so loved and so cared for and so appreciated by so many people.
so dear friend, dear sweet sweet friend... we miss you. i still miss you and shed happy tears as i type this little note. maybe i never said it enough to you while you were here, but you really taught me so much and left a huge impact on my life. i learned a lot of johnny cash songs and taught my little bubs how to sing them too. you'd be proud. i hope wherever your sweet spirit is, that you are dancing and laughing and singing. i hope you are eating all the ice cream and cheesecake you want and having a blast. you're missed. more than maybe you ever thought you would be.
Monday, February 4, 2013
a bit of a breather
i feel like im getting my second wind.
maybe it's the grueling schedule i have or the gray, dismal, mid-winter season this state is in, but i have been draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagging lately. i have had zero drive, zero ambition, and zero motivation to get things done. for a kid like me with OCD, it has been really hard watching my house get "messy," finding piles of laundry that need to be washed and put away, finding no food in the house cos i forgot to get some, and seeing my grades slipping.
maybe it was the thought of the finish line that got me going today. many finish lines. spring is coming and i can take bubs to the park, go running outside, go for walks, breathe FRESH AIR without my lungs freezing and spasming. the smells of spring are coming too. my tax return is coming which means a bit of a breather from the stress of trying to manage a house and school and part time work and an almost 3 year old on my own. i graduate in september and for most of you that is completely bizarre for me to think im almost done, but realistically this quarter ends in march, next quarter is my review classes, and then i do an externship over the summer. then im done. i graduate and prep for a board exam and a licensing exam. then im DONE. realistically it is so close. music is also coming together too because a friend and i are already bouncing ideas off each other and finding our tastes click and that gets me excited and motivated.
i was laying on my floor taking a minute to myself to stretch. i never understood meditation. this conscious attempt to get your brain to shut down and focus on "nothing".... but somehow... it just happened all on its own. i laid on the floor for like 10 minutes in complete space.... and i felt alive again.
i am the OCD mom that tries to take on EVERYTHING and do EVERYTHING and be EVERYTHING ..... always everyone else first. for 10 minutes, i got a bit of a glimpse in my head. i got a moment to appreciate quiet and life and the fact that this whole 29 year journey ive been on so far has been HORRIBLY rough since day 1... but im here. im here and things have only gotten better. ive had to make some sacrifices and choices to get here but... im here.
i am still here. still breathing. and for 10 minutes i focused on every muscle in my body and got a 10 minute appreciation of myself as a spiritual being. im not made to be invincible. im made to fight. im made to share this journey with people i meet and have others share theirs with me.
we all have stories. we all have struggles. each day, every person has their own battles and "to do" lists that plague them and weigh on their minds.
i will stick by this theory til death that we are all a little lost, all a little scared, all a little hurt and confused and unsure.... but some are just better at faking it than others. im not as alone as i think i am.
REALITY CHECK: no one expects me to do it all and be perfect. things can wait. life was meant to be lived and enjoyed. even if for just 10 minutes, i got to appreciate something so simple - breathing, stretching, feeling, and understanding my physical self as a whole.
it's 9pm and im in bed. why? why gramma why???
today's the day i got my second wind. why am i in bed already?
today is also the day im going to start taking care of myself. i have such big things this year that are going to happen. HUGE HUGE things i never dreamed i could ever accomplish. im not going to run myself ragged 2 months in and possibly fuck it all up.
this is my year. this is my second wind. the finish line may still be 10 miles away, but today is the first day, all year, that i finally feel like i can make it to the end.
maybe it's the grueling schedule i have or the gray, dismal, mid-winter season this state is in, but i have been draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagging lately. i have had zero drive, zero ambition, and zero motivation to get things done. for a kid like me with OCD, it has been really hard watching my house get "messy," finding piles of laundry that need to be washed and put away, finding no food in the house cos i forgot to get some, and seeing my grades slipping.
maybe it was the thought of the finish line that got me going today. many finish lines. spring is coming and i can take bubs to the park, go running outside, go for walks, breathe FRESH AIR without my lungs freezing and spasming. the smells of spring are coming too. my tax return is coming which means a bit of a breather from the stress of trying to manage a house and school and part time work and an almost 3 year old on my own. i graduate in september and for most of you that is completely bizarre for me to think im almost done, but realistically this quarter ends in march, next quarter is my review classes, and then i do an externship over the summer. then im done. i graduate and prep for a board exam and a licensing exam. then im DONE. realistically it is so close. music is also coming together too because a friend and i are already bouncing ideas off each other and finding our tastes click and that gets me excited and motivated.
i was laying on my floor taking a minute to myself to stretch. i never understood meditation. this conscious attempt to get your brain to shut down and focus on "nothing".... but somehow... it just happened all on its own. i laid on the floor for like 10 minutes in complete space.... and i felt alive again.
i am the OCD mom that tries to take on EVERYTHING and do EVERYTHING and be EVERYTHING ..... always everyone else first. for 10 minutes, i got a bit of a glimpse in my head. i got a moment to appreciate quiet and life and the fact that this whole 29 year journey ive been on so far has been HORRIBLY rough since day 1... but im here. im here and things have only gotten better. ive had to make some sacrifices and choices to get here but... im here.
i am still here. still breathing. and for 10 minutes i focused on every muscle in my body and got a 10 minute appreciation of myself as a spiritual being. im not made to be invincible. im made to fight. im made to share this journey with people i meet and have others share theirs with me.
we all have stories. we all have struggles. each day, every person has their own battles and "to do" lists that plague them and weigh on their minds.
i will stick by this theory til death that we are all a little lost, all a little scared, all a little hurt and confused and unsure.... but some are just better at faking it than others. im not as alone as i think i am.
REALITY CHECK: no one expects me to do it all and be perfect. things can wait. life was meant to be lived and enjoyed. even if for just 10 minutes, i got to appreciate something so simple - breathing, stretching, feeling, and understanding my physical self as a whole.
it's 9pm and im in bed. why? why gramma why???
today's the day i got my second wind. why am i in bed already?
today is also the day im going to start taking care of myself. i have such big things this year that are going to happen. HUGE HUGE things i never dreamed i could ever accomplish. im not going to run myself ragged 2 months in and possibly fuck it all up.
this is my year. this is my second wind. the finish line may still be 10 miles away, but today is the first day, all year, that i finally feel like i can make it to the end.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
the ramblings of a tired brain (not really sure what's goin on here but read away....)
it's hit that point in my weekend, in my overnight, where i am so tired.... where nothing makes sense and my brain starts to space out and carry off to places it doesn't dare venture in the waking realm.
and so i thought i would write and see what comes out. maybe my brain is so constipated from me trying to be "normal" that this is the only time it can come alive and be its true self.
it's funny the more tired you get, the more you can feel everything. i can feel every ache in every muscle.... i can feel the sting in my tired and dry eyes.... i can feel how hard and heavy it is to breathe....everything smells funny too..... words look weird and i cant spell.... dyslexia is predominate at this point in time and if not for spell check you would be seeing all of these blunders right now.
everything at this point in time feels absolutely meaningless.
like i just dont get the stress.
things will come and go as they please and do as they may.
having plans.... time frames and schedules.... ideas even.... they all just seem so foolish and stupid. sure we should all have goals and wants.... but some things.... the things i find myself day in and day out worrying over and hemming and hawing over... meh. not really worth it.
i hate that it takes me being THIS tired for life to make sense.
life should be just a pursuit of happiness.
for example... i dont get chicks with eating disorders. i mean shit yeah i used to be one but like.... throwing up for nearly 5 days straight and losing 10 pounds in a short number of days had me thinking.... why was i stressing to be this "magic number" on a scale? i didnt feel any different or act any different.... i was still loud and weird. i just looked bonier. and i started wondering who decided that bony was pretty.... because i know lots of bony girls that are just bitches. yeah there is no nice word for it, they are just bitches. food is really fucking good and yet to be this magic number, to hit this magic weight and size.... you deprive yourself of socializing and enjoyment. not to say hey lets all be fat asses but you know what i mean.
where is this balance? where is this balance where life is just about being happy and enjoying yourself? why? why do i have to spend my waking hours hustling and bustling for a dollar to not even ENJOY that dollar? all my money goes to EVERYTHING but fun. it makes no sense to me. again, not to say im going to be an irresponsible fuck, but.... why can't there be wiggle room for fun and pleasure?
and why does everything have to be labeled and defined and set out? why are there restrictions and rules to interpersonal relationships? WHY CANT WE JUST WANT WHAT WE WANT .... and have it? not to say lets all be whores and spread std's like it's the newest craze, but....
maybe i just dont understand change.... like the way people change.... all of a sudden there's this label and they have to dress different, lose their hobbies and ditch their friends.... they have to SETTLE.
maybe that's the big thing.... i DO NOT like settling. it's so ugly. it just cascades to the bottom and sits in this horrible little dusty looking lump. and then you have to shake it and stir it and swirl it around to get it out of the way and incorporated back into what it was meant to be a part of. i dont want bits and fragments of myself floating around.
maybe id like to be like jello. (ps if you know me at all i hate that shit and it fucking scares the life out of me.) but maybe id like to be this mass of solidity. i move a little if you poke me but im firm. i hold my shape. (ok new analogy cos im literally dry heaving at the thought of jello.)
conclusion is that i need to live on a hippie commune somewhere or something... or live in amongst artists and musicians. maybe the fact that all of these emotions are stirring is a good thing.... because ive recently started surrounding myself with people like that.... and i feel like all my sediments are being stirred and moved and reincorporated back into ME.
i lost myself with J..... for 4 years i just abandoned myself. to this day i dont even know why or what for, but i was 24 and very lonely and stupid i guess. it didnt even happen at once, but it was bit by bit, compromise by compromise (of myself cos he never compromised a damn thing). and maybe i wouldnt have been ready then for what is to come. maybe now is where i need to be. but this shaking and stirring has me all sorts of uncomfortable because.... for so long i was a pile of shit and now... this shaking it has me undone, bits of me floating around, suspended in some form of liquid space.....
now i get to see what i was really meant to be.... a delicious beverage perhaps? time will tell.
OH TIME damn you. you always sneak up into the conversation. you are my greatest nemesis and BFF all at once. one day i will appreciate you im sure but for now... for now im suspicious. im waiting with my eyes darting back and forth like a paranoid bunny.... im watching you, time.
and there it is. some rambles. im feeling the need for squats and push ups now to stay even further awake. im listening to dead silence because my music stopped. even it has a sound.
and so i thought i would write and see what comes out. maybe my brain is so constipated from me trying to be "normal" that this is the only time it can come alive and be its true self.
it's funny the more tired you get, the more you can feel everything. i can feel every ache in every muscle.... i can feel the sting in my tired and dry eyes.... i can feel how hard and heavy it is to breathe....everything smells funny too..... words look weird and i cant spell.... dyslexia is predominate at this point in time and if not for spell check you would be seeing all of these blunders right now.
everything at this point in time feels absolutely meaningless.
like i just dont get the stress.
things will come and go as they please and do as they may.
having plans.... time frames and schedules.... ideas even.... they all just seem so foolish and stupid. sure we should all have goals and wants.... but some things.... the things i find myself day in and day out worrying over and hemming and hawing over... meh. not really worth it.
i hate that it takes me being THIS tired for life to make sense.
life should be just a pursuit of happiness.
for example... i dont get chicks with eating disorders. i mean shit yeah i used to be one but like.... throwing up for nearly 5 days straight and losing 10 pounds in a short number of days had me thinking.... why was i stressing to be this "magic number" on a scale? i didnt feel any different or act any different.... i was still loud and weird. i just looked bonier. and i started wondering who decided that bony was pretty.... because i know lots of bony girls that are just bitches. yeah there is no nice word for it, they are just bitches. food is really fucking good and yet to be this magic number, to hit this magic weight and size.... you deprive yourself of socializing and enjoyment. not to say hey lets all be fat asses but you know what i mean.
where is this balance? where is this balance where life is just about being happy and enjoying yourself? why? why do i have to spend my waking hours hustling and bustling for a dollar to not even ENJOY that dollar? all my money goes to EVERYTHING but fun. it makes no sense to me. again, not to say im going to be an irresponsible fuck, but.... why can't there be wiggle room for fun and pleasure?
and why does everything have to be labeled and defined and set out? why are there restrictions and rules to interpersonal relationships? WHY CANT WE JUST WANT WHAT WE WANT .... and have it? not to say lets all be whores and spread std's like it's the newest craze, but....
maybe i just dont understand change.... like the way people change.... all of a sudden there's this label and they have to dress different, lose their hobbies and ditch their friends.... they have to SETTLE.
maybe that's the big thing.... i DO NOT like settling. it's so ugly. it just cascades to the bottom and sits in this horrible little dusty looking lump. and then you have to shake it and stir it and swirl it around to get it out of the way and incorporated back into what it was meant to be a part of. i dont want bits and fragments of myself floating around.
maybe id like to be like jello. (ps if you know me at all i hate that shit and it fucking scares the life out of me.) but maybe id like to be this mass of solidity. i move a little if you poke me but im firm. i hold my shape. (ok new analogy cos im literally dry heaving at the thought of jello.)
conclusion is that i need to live on a hippie commune somewhere or something... or live in amongst artists and musicians. maybe the fact that all of these emotions are stirring is a good thing.... because ive recently started surrounding myself with people like that.... and i feel like all my sediments are being stirred and moved and reincorporated back into ME.
i lost myself with J..... for 4 years i just abandoned myself. to this day i dont even know why or what for, but i was 24 and very lonely and stupid i guess. it didnt even happen at once, but it was bit by bit, compromise by compromise (of myself cos he never compromised a damn thing). and maybe i wouldnt have been ready then for what is to come. maybe now is where i need to be. but this shaking and stirring has me all sorts of uncomfortable because.... for so long i was a pile of shit and now... this shaking it has me undone, bits of me floating around, suspended in some form of liquid space.....
now i get to see what i was really meant to be.... a delicious beverage perhaps? time will tell.
OH TIME damn you. you always sneak up into the conversation. you are my greatest nemesis and BFF all at once. one day i will appreciate you im sure but for now... for now im suspicious. im waiting with my eyes darting back and forth like a paranoid bunny.... im watching you, time.
and there it is. some rambles. im feeling the need for squats and push ups now to stay even further awake. im listening to dead silence because my music stopped. even it has a sound.
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