the truth about being a loner

before social media existed, and every moment of everyone's lives were made public via instagram, twitter, facebook, vine, snapchat, and god only knows what other platforms of internet presence i am missing, i didn't really know i was a loner.  i just.... was quiet.

i liked to stay in and read or watch movies.  i had a few close friends and that was enough.  i wrote.  i listened to music.  i drew horrible pictures that i thought were good.  i made clothes.  i dyed my hair.  i took walks and found beauty in the small stuff like a train ride to visit a friend and the smell of the greek restaurants when i got off the platform.

then aol instant messenger started, msn messenger, yahoo messenger, friendster, myspace, hot or not, facebook, instagram, twitter, snapchat.... it became a numbers game.  it became more about how many likes a photo of yourself could get.  it became about how much you posted of this amazing life you led.  suddenly life was more about how it was perceived by others with just the right filter or capturing just the right group shot than actually living life with intangible memories based on sights and sounds and smells.

recently it clicked that im kind of a loner.
it used to bug me.
i used to feel like a freak.
why arent i a part of these amazing things i read about and see on the interwebs?
what's wrong with me that im home every saturday night watching movies and cleaning my apartment?

last nite it hit me....
i was halfway through season 3 of girls, post vacuum session cleaning up the mountain of cat hair buried in the carpet fibers when i realized.... i like my quiet life.
yes it is nice to see people and go to shows and meet friends for drinks, but....
after a long week of working and attempting this supermom status, sometimes i just want to have a no pants party, watch some season of a tv show, and just be in silence.  the only nuisance is picklecat rubbing her hairy body on my face repeatedly and standing in front of my laptop (like right now.... im typing this coughing on her fur that got somehow snorted up my nose).

i am "ON" so often that it is REALLY nice to be "OFF" for a night. 
so yes, in social media standards, im a loner, possibly a major loser and homebody and nobody....
but ....
i rather like it this way.

since spending time alone, i realized that i was trying to be out so much as a distraction.
a distraction against all of the self hate that was building up inside of me.
i spent time with others because i didnt WANT to spend any time with myself. 
but now...
now i like myself.
i like my quirks and the odd shit that spews out of my mouth and brain.
i like the creativity that comes from my brain and hands in the kitchen.
i like my body again just the way it is.
i like my thoughts and my opinions.
i like my silence.
im more comfortable with others' silence now too.
im learning to listen more when others speak.
im learning to see more clearly and live more freely.

all from being alone.

so in conclusion dear reader, whoever you may or may not be....
the truth about being a loner is that it definitely has its perks.
those perks may not be visible in a self absorbed culture where every moment has to be digitally documented and commented on; where value is placed on quantity and not quality; to be able to see past the numbers game.... the amount of "friends" and "followers" and "likes" and "comments" is just that... a numbers game.  the moments where you're with your best friend shoving nachos in your face, laughing at a dorky moment, being real and open and honest.... the moments no one else can see or know about.... to a loner, those are the memories to take to the grave.  those are the moments worth being alive for.

so while i may not be the subject of anyone else's social media highlights... i like my life.  i like my little moments.  i like my quiet and my solitude.  and for the first time in possibly forever, i like me.

all for thinking a positive thought

that's what i get for thinking...
that's what i get for thinking anything positive at all...

i cant sleep.
up every two hours checking my phone to see if you in fact have blown me off or if you finally had something to say...
an 'im sorry....'
a 'hello...'
something more than silence...

im good at receiving the silent treatment...
so much so to the point where i can smell it coming from a mile away.
like a bloodhound i can sense it coming.

it's like an animal smelling fear...
i smell it coming.
only this time i ignored it...
i thought maybe i had seasonal allergies or something stuck in my nose...
no.

the truth hurts sometimes.
the truth can hurt a lot of the time.
it hurts now.

i hope you'll wake up and tell me it was all a mistake...
a dead phone...
a long day...
a bout of anti-social behavior...

but i know better than to expect anything positive.
it's pessimistic to say, but i know better.

maybe it's my knowledge that keeps leading me to these potentially disastrous outcomes or maybe it is just the path that i am currently on.
maybe the fact that i predict what i know leaves the future to be inevitably bleak or maybe that is just the life i get to live... one catastrophic outcome after the next.

all i can say is that if you know heartache and heartbreak, sadness and sorrow, disappointment and rejection and regret... i'm your woman.  i have stories for days, feelings for years, and frown lines to put any geriatric woman to shame. 

the perpetual pessimist

3 mugs of coffee and one bowl of oatmeal later, i am laying in bed.  picklecat, knowing my fears and hesitancies, is rubbing her face against mine, staring at me and nudging my arms with her head.  she knows.

today is *hopefully* the last child support hearing i will have to deal with.  it is to recalculate the current amount based on our new pays, our current parenting schedule, and i am trying to get the near $200 owed in back support. 

getting myself ready to go always feels like before jiu jitsu or judo tournaments.  i feel like i have to center myself, get my mind clear, my emotions out of my thoughts and words, and just remain calm.  anger only led to getting myself in a bad position.  frustration led to a mistake and i would lose.  i remember the first court case.... his overly arrogant attorney sat there with her horribly done up hair, her done up nails, and her gigantic coach bag glaring at me, judging me with every stare from the corner of her eye.  she sat seated on the bench with my ex and his aunt (who said she was there to support us both, but having paid for his attorney and spending most of those 3 hours ignoring me, i can assume that was not correct).  not in front of any legal personnel began asking me questions, attacking my lifestyle and character, implying that i was lazy and trying to leech off of her client.  if anyone at ALL knows me, they know i try to scrimp my pennies together to give bubs the best and i work my ASS off around everyone else's schedule, picking up weekend shifts when i dont even HAVE to work, just to make extra money.  i won that day.  i did not bend or break or cave.  i was calm, stood my ground, and smiled at her smugness whenever i caught her glaring at me.  i also called my dad in between mediator sessions and asked him what to do all the while pretending i was conversing with my day care provider.

the second round was simple.  she tried to alter our schedule making it look as if i didnt have audrey as much as i said i did.  i hung over her shoulder and put my finger on her paper pointing out where she was wrong. 

today, i have that same nervous energy radiating through my body.  i want this to go fairly and smoothly and quickly, but i have a feeling it wont.  i have a feeling since this is her last shot at redemption she will come out, guns blazing, accusations firing, all to save face.  i dont submit easily. 

even in jiu jitsu sparring matches, i would wait til my elbow was about to snap or i was about to pass out from lack of oxygen before i'd tap and surrender.  in this case, i know i am in the right.  i know that i work really hard and am just trying to make sure audrey's needs are met fairly.  i know that i have supported her far too much on my own.  i have spent all of the money i had and had to borrow trying to keep us from being late on rent and losing our car and having food to eat.  i know that i am the one that takes her to her doctor's appointments and is looking for potential schools for her to attend.  i know that i spend time with her drawing and coloring and playing.  i know what i sacrifice for her and i am prepared to defend my honor to the death.

so, smug, arrogant, obese lawyer lady with your coach purse and your horribly applied make up.... you who have NO CLUE what it means to struggle and be a single parent working and attempting to pay student loans from having had to go to school WHILE being a single parent to get a better job to support yourself and your child.... shut up.  keep your sideways glances of judgement and trickery to yourself.  i will continue to sideways smile at your attempts to intimidate me.  i will continue to chuckle in your face knowing that you know nothing.  you have no evidence or proof.  i am not who you think i am, nor will i cave to your scare tactics.  you dear lady have lost before and will be on the losing end today.  have fun going back to your prestigious law office with that hanging over your head.  you were shut down and shut up by a 5'2" quirky ball of spunk with tattoos and a will that can not be broken or shattered by legal jargon and false accusations. 

i remember in a judo tournament once... it was for state... i was going up against a junior olympian.  the ref signaled for the match to begin.  she charged at me with her arms open and some roar of a battlecry.  i was startled but tripped her and she fell on her back signaling the ippon and my win.  i dont give a shit about titles and names and positions. 

my name is kelly and it literally means bold warrior.  days like today im thankful for a name that speaks such truth and courage into my spirit.  so hopefully today i can shatter the worry of defeat and know that i can not be destroyed by the arrogant and smug.  truth shall prevail and i shall be declared the winner yet again..... or i can just cut myself shaving, not notice and shove a bunch of blood in his lawyer's face again to gross her out?

a moment of absolute vulnerability and weakness

i may be saying just a bit too much here.
i may be typing words that will come back to bite me in the ass.
i may worry some of you and im sorry.
you dont need to worry though.... that i can promise with all sincerity.

a few weeks ago, i sat at this very table in the seat across from me.  i was waiting for cookies to come out of the oven.  i was in a situation that made me feel small, degraded, worthless, and well.... stupid.  i cried.  i cried for so many hours, my eyes were swollen and sore and i could barely see, let alone think straight.  i wanted to end my life that night.  it has been a very long time since i have felt low enough to contemplate suicide again, but with one final push from a very rude person, the idea crossed my mind to the point where i had to reach out to a friend for help.  he raced over, hugged me so long i began to cry some more.  he told me how shitty i looked and bummed me a cigarette.  i promised him i would seek more help.

the next day i talked to my psychiatrist who upped my meds (which has helped a little) and with his recommendation, i promised i would begin going to therapy again.  i need SOMEONE to talk to and be real with....

so until that appointment.... hello interwebs.  meet the real me.

i am so flipping tired.  i know i know.  everyone is tired all of the time always.  i mean i am seriously and ridiculously TIRED!  im tired of everything being my responsibility and fault even if other people could potentially have been held accountable or have helped.  im tired of having to be on top of everything without the wiggle room to be a human and ... gasp... make a mistake.  im tired of having to be "ON" non stop and be like a god damn circus clown, entertaining everyone with jokes and stories and dance numbers.  i feel vacant and void like i dont even know who i am anymore.  i dont know if i have a hobby because i dont really get time for one.  if i get to see my friends (whoever is left of them anyway), im not even sure what to talk about.  my job makes me frustrated and angry.  im exhausted at the end of the day from trying to be super mom for bubs and super employee at work and super me for me.  i continuously come last to the point where i need a serious break.  i don't get to be weak and vulnerable and exposed.  those are moments of attack from everyone around me.  a moment to gloat in my failures and mistakes.  a moment to feel better about themselves because i cracked under pressure.

it's hard to be able to take care of myself because i have no energy.  i am literally non stop for over 18 hours a day and i am tired.  i feel bad if im not around bubs cos then i feel like a bad mom.  i feel lazy if i skip work to take time off.  i run on coffee and cigarettes and maybe a red bull here and there.  i miss making music but am so void of any emotion other than tired that im not even sure where to begin.

since bubs was around 18 months or so, i have been in school, working, and splitting parenting time with her dad.  i never get a babysitter to go out.  i worked weekend overnight shifts through school.  2 years later, i had a 40 hour per week externship along with working weekend overnights, i passed a certification exam for medical assisting and part of my xray license exam (enough to xray extremities), and moved twice along with getting a job and then a different job so i could work with kids.  im just constantly going going going to the point where i am running so much on fumes that im not sure how much longer this charade can last.

world, i am weak.
i can not handle everything.
i am not super mom.
im not super anything.
im just someone that needs a break in the form of some spare money to get  caught up on bills, a few good nights rest, and maybe... just MAAAAYBE a haircut.

i always hope that one day good karma will come my way but instead of the shiny life preserver, i am drowning.... slowly sinking and under the weight of it all.

help.  i need something to remind me im alive and real and a person.
if it doesnt come soon im afraid for the shell of a person i will become.

this moment of absolute vulnerability and weakness was brought to you by me.
please judge responsibly.

external chaos

"give it a few days and everything'll be better..."
but the moments passing til that day send me running for cover
explosive battlegrounds on all sides
testing luck and chance trying to survive
I put my head down absorbing the words that judge and criticize
head down so far I can't see the nearing finish line
just trying to make the best of what is
until the best becomes a real point in time
raising tiny, shaking hands to begin that upward climb
and it's a long one
these couple of days have been all clouds and no sun
drained from knowing it's far from being done
but onward.... onward's my only choice
to weather the storm with lifted fists
keep on pulling myself up with shaky grips
give it a few days they say....
smile through the fear they say
it'll all be okay they say
well I hope they are elite psychics
I hope they know some Jedi mind tricks
because despair is a comfortable place to begin to rest
to take a break from this failing conquest
to try to make better of the worst
and find this hidden best

i wrote this lil bit of nonsense on my fb page today after a complete adult shit storm hit the fan and sprayed every area of my waking life.
i know that sounds completely overdramatic and it would be easy to be like, "hey, kelly.... really.... shut up and realize how good you have it."  
honestly i know by the end of the week, the dust will settle and some things will be ok.  honestly i know that and that's all that kept me from having a serious mental breakdown.  that doesn't stop the worrisome thoughts and increasing anxiety as minutes pass into hours with no resolution to the problem still at hand.

just as i begin to conjure a belief of good things for my life, reality sets in, the dark cloud blankets the display of light and smiles and there i am.... surrounded, trapped, and smothered by the dark despair of a life shit storm.

im trying to hold hope and hold on and just keep going.  im trying to forget the have nots and isnts and things resembling a negative stature.  sometimes it's just so easy though.... so easy to curl up in a ball of sadness and forget everything around you- even forget that life happens and people are busy and you with your misery are not the center of anyone's world.

within this external chaos.... im trying to find the strength to crawl one extra inch so as not to be covered in the smallest amount by dark despair.... im running out of energy though....

a change of status

i could look at this change of status and partly feel bad.

partly feel bad that you finally got the message.

partly feel bad because you are no longer speaking to me, not even a blip on the radar of friend.

partly feel bad because your friend is now texting me daily to see if i think he is too weird to ever hang out with.

partly feel bad because i don't feel all that bad.

i am so sick of accepting blame and feeling sad and sorry.

i am so sick of devouring your affection, love, and kindness for mere days before things are official (again) and you slowly become this self absorbed lump of excuses and coldness.

i am so sick of accepting that as my emotional fate.

a short while ago, i realized i deserved better.

i realized that i am not like some women who want it all.... looks, money, fancy things, dates, presents, 24/7 love and attention.

i am stubborn, self-reliant, busy, and kind of a tomboy.

i realized that what i want is fathomable, legitimate, and healthy.

i realized that i will not settle for less than what i deserve.

what i deserve is this:

someone that doesn't forget when we have plans

someone that doesnt spend hours on their phone on various apps and cant reply to a single text - especially the cute ones telling you something sweet and sincere

someone that CAN tell me something sweet and sincere

someone that can SHOW me they love me and i matter, not with grand, expensive gestures, but simply by being thoughtful and real.... because thought requires no effort or strain.... it's just a reaction

someone that wants to be around me

someone that wants to get to know me

someone that wants me to get to know them

someone with interests and hobbies and a life of their own but also that wants to make time to see me and makes that time a priority

someone that can give me space

someone that can trust me when im not around and not inquire as to every text message or phone notification from various social media apps

someone that will encourage me and inspire me to do music not for any other reason than to see me smile

someone that reminds me im beautiful not because of looks but because of who i am

someone that lets me be who i am

someone with a sense of adventure

someone who can man up, plan a date, and not leave everything up to me

someone who is romantic and can treat me like a lady but also let me play in the mud and climb trees

someone like this does exist.

im in no hurry to find him.

but im in no mood to settle until i do.

so while you may not speak to me anymore right now because you finally got the 14th message of how we are no longer together and i can not at all be your girlfriend because of how up and down you are and how i do not appreciate being called bi polar for having said these things.... i will always miss you and the short time you were someone i thought i could be with before the mask came off and i saw your true self.  youre angry and stubborn and distant.  you're vacant and selfish and the ultimate king of excuses.  

so with the final change of status... i continue on as i did before and you the same.  and should i see you again, i hope there can be a kind hug and heartfelt hello.  maybe this change in status to the point where we are no longer speaking is for the best....

over the hill officially

31
i turn thirty-freaking- ONE on thursday.
holy shit.

young kelly never thought she'd make it to this age.
in fact, young kelly aspired to be a famous musician in some ska band by now.
sorry young kelly.... that kinda ska is pretty dead.

i never thought i'd be where i am.
in a one bedroom apartment, uptown, with bubs and a cat named after my all time favorite food... pickle.

every year that goes by though, i look back at my former self and am ashamed.  i feel like i owe so many apologies and reparations for the things i have done, felt, and said... for the ways i have lashed out and responded so childishly and immaturely.

i suppose that's life though; the perks of growing up and older....

that term... over the hill....
im sure someone thought by a certain age that all acts of childishness and immature rationalizations would be gone by then.... that one has surpassed some figurative hill and is finally on the other side where bad decisions and poor choices don't occur.

i don't think that way.
not that im aiming for failure, but im aware that i will always make a mistake, be in the wrong in some situation, and not act at my best at some point.
but 31...

i have to say that i am grateful to have come this far.
in the past year i have grown a figurative pair.
i stand up for myself  now.
i may not ever have the highest self esteem, but god damn it, now i know that i'm worth more than how i've been treated and refuse to let people step on me as if i were small and miniscule.
i dont give a rat's ass or two fine gold shits about ever having a boyfriend or being in "love" whatever the fuck that actually means.
i love my growth.
i love my friends and the family i have made in recent years that are teaching me to stop being so fucking uptight, to let go, face fears and logical thinking and be free to enjoy and experience life.
i believe in myself now.
i find myself growing at work and facing things with a different persona than i normally would have.
somedays im better than others.....

so here i am, facing a day where i will be one year older....
im grateful that i get to spend it with people that bring smiles to my soul and that are choosing to spend time with me.  i love their lives for enriching mine so much.  i love them for challenging me and teaching me and helping shape and change me. 

im excited for this new year... maybe not the actual number i have to verbalize when asked how old i am, but still.... it's a whole new adventure.