maybe it's time

im not posting this on facebook because of all the people that are tattling on me or prying into my business in other ways by saying things behind my back to the obvious other party involved in this situation.  so this will remain here for whoever cares to read.

so, i think it's time.  the past 3 days have been nothing but explosive arguments that my poor daughter has been privy to witness.  it sucks to see the fear in her eyes and hear her cry.  i cant stand it.  she has become extra clingy and fearful of strangers.

im worried because financially, neither of us are very stable.  im even selling my guitar so i can make some extra money.  i know that i just have to put my little one first and things will fall into place as they need to.  i need to just take deep breaths, be prepared to make some necessary sacrifices and changes and buckle down and be the best mom i can be for her.

i see the fear in her eyes when we argue and know that this is NOT the best that i promised to provide for her.  so i think it's time....  a break to start .... and then who knows.

anger is weakness, patience is strength

maybe it isnt just me....

maybe i'm not the only one stuck in this vortex of frustration.  maybe i'm not the only one tired of the highs and lows of this relationship carousel that just wont stop. 
is the sanctity of marriage or of a relationship just bullshit?  i mean honestly, this has been a perpetual pattern by the male gender to be sweet and thoughtful and romantic and dorky- all the things us girls secretly love deep down, only to wait for us to be reeled in and smitten and then kick back and coast.  then the arguments happen, then people cheat, then people get upset and sad, then people either become destructive or break up.
this is the cycle of relationships i have known. 

i mean honestly, is it just that the male gender is lazy and slow or is that women have expectations that are just too high?  is it that men really have no idea or that women spend too much time watching romantic comedies and get a warped view of reality? 

::sigh::

i'd like to hope things can be better.  i'd like to hope that one day i can be privy to the dorkiness of love and a functional relationship and not just have it peak at one year and go on the roller coaster ride thereafter.

i'm sure it exists somewhere... but where is it?

the fork in the road is a roadblock

i'm nearly at my wits end.  every day another accusation.  every day another feeling of lowliness and like i am constantly in the wrong.  i wonder what it's like to do something right aside from my pedestrian masterpieces in the kitchen.  i wonder what it's like to have a healthy balance of understanding and trust.  that certainly is not the case for me.  every day i am accused and stared at like i bear a scarlet letter.  it's enough to do one's own head in. 
i carry a lot of weight.  so much so that my body is starting to suffer.  i will admit i am at fault on a certain spectrum.  i will admit i'm not the most affectionate and patient person around.  i will admit that.  i wont, however, carry guilt and blame for things i have not done.
i feel incredibly dead inside.  the only spark of life i get is from a 16 month old little wonder that greets me with morning snuggles and big smiles.  aside from her, i feel an aching void where i once had a spark and a steady sound.  it's cold to live in an echoing, soundless cavern.  i miss the sounds of noise and music.  i miss the squeals of laughter.  i miss those things.  it's a rare thing to hear them anymore.
i find my patience is at an all time low, the bags under my eyes have their own bags, my stomach is constantly churning itself into a knotted knot, and my house is no longer a place i want to call "home." 
i wish there were only a quick fix.  a flick of a switch, a push of a few buttons, some magic words, and "PRESTO!"  instant sanity!  unfortunately reality is not that amazing. 
i had this amazing goal to stay positive in my 28th year.  it is proving to be harder and harder as each day progresses and my situations are at a stand still.  i am trying to be patient and know that there is a light at the end of this long and ever winding tunnel, but it's hard when your flashlight's run out of batteries and you're surrounded by darkness on every side.

polident smiles

i keep being reminded by quite a few sweet, dear friends of mine to be positive.
it's nice to constantly have that reminder, but sometimes.... damn it, sometimes i just wanna be pissed off and angry and sad and whiny.  sometimes i want to be allowed to have a self-destructive streak without being reminded that i'm not acting appropriately.

maybe it's my adult nature wanting to lash out like a child.  maybe it's because i simply feel too dead and tired to pick my guitar up and write a song.

i don't know that i am completely happy with all the choices that have led me to where i am now.  i dont know that i really want to deal with the weight of change to bring me to a place where i assume i'll be happy.  the grass is always greener right?  what if there is no grass?  what if there is a girl, sitting on a fence, staring at mud?  what if there's nothing but mud?  what do i have to compare anything to?

it sucks that deep down i do know where i want to be and am too afraid to move.  or, i take baby steps and am constantly frustrated with my progress, or lack thereof. 

it also sucks that im so overemotional.  i never know if my unhappiness stems from being on the far side of things.  what if everything is fine but my warped girl-tastic mind has stretched it to somewhere it is nowhere near?

my heart says one thing and my brain says another.  then there's my "gut".... the ever ignored common sense generator.  that has become mute in my small world.

and what a small world i have.  i escalate the tiniest issues and make mountains out of grains of sand.  am i that bored and boring?

i gave up on meditation a while ago because i just cant make my brain shut off for a few minutes.  i'm contemplating returning to that once more.  i wonder if i just took a step back and lived in the moment, embracing the here and now, if my outlook on the present would change, or if i would be more motivated to follow through with change..... would i see things the same or would they be much different from what i think they are now?

i carry so much guilt and fear .... vulnerable little me will broadcast it to whomever is reading.  i want so much that i feel guilty.  im fearful to go after what i want.  im afraid of letdown and rejection and failure.  im afraid of making a mistake that will ultimately ruin what crumbling remains i have left to stand on.  i feel guilty for wanting change... for assuming i deserve better and not being content with what is now.  is that my real problem?  am i just not content enough?  am i just so greedy?  will i ever be content?  it's like after i had audrey, my mind snapped and i want this massive life overhaul.  is it that i finally woke up or is it that i'm being a demanding child, kicking and screaming for what i want and demanding it now?



it's amazing what 4am does to the brain.  my fingers can't type fast enough as the thoughts are flooding out... i have so much on my mind and this electronic therapist is offering no suggestions to my many questions and dilemas.

a break from mommy-ing

audrey and i are like joined at the hip, except when i'm working or if she's at daycare.  it is a rare moment that she is home and i am out with friends.... very rare.  i made it a point though this 28th year of my life to start making ME more of a priority.  i know i'm a good mom, i know i have only her best interests in mind, and i know i put her way more than first in my life.... so what's wrong with ME time?  nothing, that's what.

it has been bizarre the 2x i did get to go hang out with friends without her... i forgot how sarcastic i am.  i forgot how dorky i am.  i forgot how much i like to laugh.  i forgot how interested i am in hearing adults conversing on even the most far off topic from what i understand.  i forgot how much i love being around large groups of people and watching others i don't know in crowded public places.

i'm not going to feel bad no matter how much i'm made to sometimes.  i am a 28 year old woman with a child.  i'm a mom AND a 28 year old woman.  i can be both.  sometimes i feel kind of bad cos my weekends are shot from needing sleep to do my overnight shifts, but my once or twice a month excursions out of the confines of my house shouldn't be laden with guilt.  i should get to remember the joys of laughter and being a person, and being energized from that high come home to my sweet little lady who needs a happy mom and a mom that knows who she is.

i cant say i entered my 28th year of life with a handle on that very well.  i cant say i was genuinely happy, aware of myself, or anywhere CLOSE to feeling like a real person.  i CAN say however, that since aging, i feel a new found sense of courage and assurance.  i'm not a bad mom for needing a few nights out in a month.  i'm not a bad mom for needing NON-mom friends as well AS mom-friends.  i'm not a bad mom for having fun without my kid.  i'm not a bad mom for coming home after 1am.  i'm not a bad mom for simply needing a break.

ready to quit on humanity

im at my wits end with people.  i assume the absolute best in everyone.  i assume the best until .... STAB STAB STAB!   ouch.  i put myself out there like a human target, arms wide open, ready to embrace anyone and everyone and give until i have nothing left with whatever free time i can muster up..... and then.... PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH!  ouch.

i think im just ready to give up on people.  im tired of being let down, snubbed, and bailed on.  im tired of people trying to spare my feelings or ignoring me completely.  im tired of lies and flattery.

just wish people would be honest like i assume they are.  maybe i just should start assuming the worst in everyone and then i wont be hurt so much when they let me down, lead me astray, or snub me completely.

i thought i left high school 10 years ago, but i guess it still carries on....