procastinating with an empty cereal bowl

so, i started school AGAIN for the 4th or 5th time now on monday.  needless to say, my procrastinating ways, loathe for capital letters, and crazy schedule with audrey have me swamped in week one.  thankfully, my medical assisting program is only 2 years (hopefully less if enough needed credits transfer over from my previous college attempts).  also, i get scrubs (which i look awesome in), and a stethoscope to play with.  i overloaded my schedule though.... 14 credits with MY life right now is NOT a good plan. 
i feel like in a way i am failing audrey.  i feel like im the worst mom ever.  so many other kids her age are being potty trained, know more words, and have less tantrums.  of course i start school when she's in a big part of her development.  of course if i AM home, im distracted by all the medical terminology books and flashcards that need attending to.  my favorite part of the nite is snuggling on the couch with her watching the simpsons or something.  i know she knows i love her and i know that she loves me.  i just wish i could be there for her MORE and not feel so drained.  growing up with a shithole family life, i just want to give her way more than i ever had.  my mom was always tired and out on dates with guys and never spent much time with us.  i don't want that for audrey.  i want her to know her mom is her bff, always there for her, and someone she can rely on and turn to.  and YES she's not even 2 and im acting like she's 15, but....
so, i finished my granola, ate my banana, and have an empty coke can staring at me.  it's time for homework but all i can do is listen to music and want to write .... if i werent at work, i would be at home playing.  the music industry never treated me kindly but i still miss it.  the medical field is a challenge which, as my therapist told me long ago, is something i need.  i sell myself so short on so many levels.  i dont believe in myself as much as i should.  i always want the impossible.  always.  i always want what i cant have.  im always reaching farther than my 5'3" frame allows me the ability to grasp. 
why is that such a bad thing though?  because i am constantly falling down and it hurts.  my body is so scraped and bruised from falling and failing and the misses and lack of hits.  maybe one day.
one day seems to be the anthem of my life.
i turned into a debbie downer again.  at least i have audrey, and a house that i own, and enough to get by, and the start on an amazing journey to a potentially great job.  maybe this is my one day to finish what i've started and be something to be proud of. 

liar liar pants on fire!

i don't know why i believe people.  the human race, particularly the male gender, is extremely untrustworthy.  i don't know why i get this urge to give someone the benefit of the doubt and then get nothing but the opposite of my expectations. 

i don't get the point in lying.  don't get me wrong... i've said my fair share of wrong things.... but when YOU are the one constantly accusing someone of lying and then yourself get caught in a lie.... something's just seriously wrong there.  that makes me start to doubt every last word said.  now what else are you lying about?  what else HAVE you lied about?

i must have the word "SUCKER" tattooed on my forehead because i keep getting the run around from every last person i meet. 

i have been so angry most of the day.  im pretty much a single parent even tho the baby's dad lives with us.  i work, will be havin some school work soon, take care of the baby, take care of the house, do all the cooking and laundry, take care of the bills and finances, and try to take care of me.  somehow a 40 hour a week desk job is far more taxing than  my life and he needs more breaks than me.  not to mention that my overnite weekend shifts leave me drained and tired since he'll watch her for about 5 hours so i can sleep before he teaches a class.  REALLY? 
when we go to friends' parties with her i end up having to watch her 90% of the time so he can socialize and drink.  REALLY?  i think i've honestly forgotten how to converse with adults except other moms (who i know are adults, but are very aware of the feelings i have.... well most....).

i cant tell you how enraged i was tonite when i found out i was lied to and said person was not in fact, lost as they claimed to be for 2 hours, but was out with friends still hanging out even tho he promised he was coming home so i could see him before i went to work.  lies.  LIES FROM THE WOLF!!

i dunno why it effected me so, but i became so mad i was shaking.  i realized i need a physical outlet so i think im going to try muay thai once a week and do bjj once a week.  i definitely need to take my rage out on some bags and thru choking people.

maybe its the lack of sleep that has me so wound up, but...i just cant take being lied to.  i cant take bearing the load i have and always being made to feel like im doing something wrong or just not doing enough.  i am so emotionally void and drained that i don't know how to give love or anything to anyone.  i feel like i am a shell of the person i once was with no hope of returning.  it's like im watching myself from outside my body do the things i do and say the things i say, and then, for certain parts in the day, i return to myself to cry and feel something, and then turn and run outside of myself again.

one day i would like to know what it is like to be genuinely loved, like the way that i love audrey.  she can push every last button on me, yet still.... i cant help want to hold her and kiss her fat cheeks and smile at her.  i cant help but stare in awe at her because i just LOVE her so deeply.  i can honestly say as much as every male i have been with SAYS they felt that way about me, it's pure bullshit.  even the nicest and most well meaning threw me aside for sports and alcohol.  one day i would like to know what it is like to be loved in that regard.  i want to know how to give love to someone else again too.

one day....

disappointed in humanity

i don't know why after 28 years on this planet i still have expectations that are this high.  i am constantly let down and disappointed of promises to be different.
"we wont be the 'mean girls' that you were friends with before.  we hate those types." 
"i'm not like other guys.  i really do just want to be friends." 
"we totally have to hang out more!  you're like the one girl i can get along with."
"i care about you."

oh humanity how you disappoint me on so many levels.  if being a hermit were an option, i might just do it.  there are a few people that have surprised me with how they've come out of the woodwork and been the most amazing, supportive people that i never knew i should count on.  those that promised and swore and gave me very sweet and lofty things to chew on..... well assholes, i choked and gagged and threw up your bullshit, so take THAT!

im so sick of headache and heartache.  it's like a drank a bottle of tequilla and woke up 4 hours later to go to work.  it just feels disgusting and there's no fun involved.

god damn liars and selfish pricks.  everyone takes what they want from me when they need it and when i just want someone to be around, they vanish as if i have used up every last ounce of their supply of "person."  how tiring it must be to be so popular and needed.  

i give up on you humanity.  you all promise the same and deliver the same- empty nonsense.

heartache

i wish i knew what i did to make you stop talking to me.
i wish i knew why you lied the way you did.
i wish i knew why you didnt care at all when i told you how i felt.
my heart hurts so much.
you promised to be so much more and in turn, you are so much less.

it's amazing how empty you make me feel
when i wait hours to hear from you
and some bullshit response is more than enough
it sends me to the moon

it's amazing how used you make me feel
when all you want  is touch touch and kiss
it's not to say i dont want it to
but there's got to be more than this

it's amazing how drained you make me
it's amazing i'm still here
it's amazing how tired you leave me
it's amazing i still care

it's amazing how little i trust you now
the words you carelessly say
i'm not sure what other girl
gets talked to the same way

it's amazing how lonely you make me
hanging on every last refrain
waiting for your next sugar coated line
to send me off to space

it's amazing how much i like you
it's amazing im not so sane
it's amazing how far i feel i've gotten
it's amazing i'm here again

my dear, you feel so permanent

i feel like i've been waiting
for you for a while. 
the feeling is so strange
and yet i want more

im haunted by songs
that make me want you nearby
and it's never intentional
just a friendly reminder



i wouldnt say that this is ideal
or how i thought things would be
i never planned for this
this simply isnt my thing


you race through my mind
in ways i cant control
and in ways i wish
would slow down or cease. 

all i can say is
i hope im not making a mistake
in testing out the waters
and seeing if this is right


i see sorrow and sadness in one future
and smiles and possibilities on the other
yet moving  in a direction has me paralyzed
i dont want to go the wrong way

i feel like i've been waiting for something
for someone kinda like you
i feel like i can breathe and be at ease
just for a minute til it's time to move

maybe for once im supposed to
just enjoy the moment im in,
hold your hand and take a breath
and take it all from there...

post it notes are helpful reminders

oh the things you remind me of!
why i need to be alone
why i should always keep my guard up
and never let it fall

oh the things you remind me of!
why i should set the pace so slow
why i should always walk instead of run
i guess now i know

oh the things you remind me of!
why i should turn a deaf ear
why i should keep my senses off
to all you think you are

oh the things you remind me of!
why i hate and curse and blame
why i enjoy solace in every hour
to keep my heart from pain

oh the things you remind me of!
why i never should believe
the lying shit coming from your lips
it happened again to me