my 2012 list of goals

im not sure HOW i am going to approach this but i figured, i am in a new place in my life and it is a new year, so what better thing to do than start a list of things that i would like to see happen in 2012 (should we not all die from global warming and an apocalyptic massacre).  so ... where to begin...

-lose 10 pounds by may
-develop a weekly exercise routine
-go through one whole cookbook from cover to cover and learn new recipes and cooking techniques
-keep an A average in school
-MOVE TO AN APARTMENT NOT IN THE HOOD
-get audrey potty trained
-keep a substantial amount of money in a savings account
-master a few baking recipes
-write 2 songs
-get a new tattoo
-get a haircut :)
-take a few days for myself away from school, home, and mommying
-go on a roadtrip
-meet 5 new people
-watch one scary movie
-go to a movie
-try 5 foods that i have never heard of before
-conquer 2 fears.
-get hot momma clothes :)
-get a new phone
-get a new camera


i think that's a good enough start for now.  im sure there will be more .....

things have gotten ugly but...

after the split, i knew things would be ugly, but i never assumed that they would get THIS ugly.  i mean, for our daughter's sake i assumed one would act civilly and at least return a greeting and be cordial.  oh the expectations i have are apparently insurmountable mountains to climb.  i just absolutely quit expecting him to be nice or courteous or understanding at all. and on that note.... i digress.
it has been a hard adjustment living on my own... i'm not used to so much quiet.
one thing i have discovered is how valuable alone time is.  yes, anyone that knows me knows right off the bat how much i love and value my daughter.  she is the only thing keeping me smiling these days.  but, a mom needs her time too.  i have realized from having so few channels on the tv that i really like to watch cooking shows.  it is like a puzzle... these chefs and bakers have certain ingredients to work with and need to make something amazing.  and even if it doesnt taste that great, the people judging their food somehow KNOW what the dish needs or where it's lacking.  i have spent a lot of time in the kitchen lately (after the mouse drama semi-subsided).  that is the one place where i have been finding absolute solace and tranquility and why audrey is just NOT allowed in the kitchen when i'm experimenting.  it's almost like having the general public spying on a scientist while he's trying to find the cure for AIDS.  it's distracting. 
i have had so much fun experimenting with baking different things and testing out different marinades for meat and making something out of nothing (when i forget to go to the store and am hungry).  it's been really calming and i'm almost finding a sense of self again.....
granted i don't need to be EATING myself into a sense of self, but the experimentation and delight i feel when i'm making things is a whole new feeling for me.  for 4 years i lost a myself trying to be everyone's caretaker and no one really looked out for me.  i lost myself and lost sight of the things i like to do and what i wanted to be.  i feel like even if it's something as small as making a cupcake, i'm alive again.... well, maybe not entirely, but im getting there.

a week in...

i have to say, things are a lot more calm for the gigantic life change i threw upon myself than id imagined.  aside from the still suspicious break in and theft of my personal belongings, i feel sane.  i feel 100 pounds lighter and like a 50 ton elephant has gotten off my chest.  i still can't sleep cos im paranoid at night about things that go bump- living or dead.  i haven't gotten the free time i've been promised because we are still figuring out a schedule and adjusting and audrey seems to know there is change and is ..... well..... acting out a little more than usual.  could just be the age she's at, but whatever.  she has also grown very attached to her blankie. 

i have a whole small house to clean up and reorganize and decorate, so if anyone has any good thrift stores near them that have fun stuff, let me know.  i need things on the cheap!
im excited for life change, for ME time, for space, and for clarity.  it's the first time in a long time i feel like myself again.

ignoring the obvious

i have a pile of homework for the week staring straight at my face, but instead, i feel the need to write.  i made a very hard decision this week.  i chose to end a relationship of 4 years and disintegrate the little family i have.  why do you ask?  because i finally came clean.  i received some very harsh words from someone i barely know which shook me awake in the most necessarily violent way.  suddenly i realized i was doing no one, not the bf, not audrey, and definitely not me, any good at all by living a lie.  i was NOT happy.  i tried.  i tried for 3 years, for audrey, for people's convincing, for people's "kind" words informing me how im ruining everyones' lives by wanting to leave and get some space to clear my head and get a handle on things.

thats what ive been taught to understand... that im being selfish for wanting space and selfish for feeling like i need to be able to breathe and most certainly selfish for needing time.  then just call me ms. selfish.  im doing no one any good by staying "comfortable" in my situation and outwardly smiling while internally frowning.  things build up over the years and one just then implodes.  and i did.

but i feel the most amazing sense of freedom right now.  i feel like a 50 ton elephant has been lifted off my chest and for the first time in a long time, i can take a breath.  i know things are going to be ridiculously hard.  owning a house, going to school and work, and taking care of a child with limited funds is definitely going to be a challenge and even IF i find a roommate, still a challenge in a house with only 2 rooms.  so dear reader, im bracing myself for some torrential storms ahead, but i feel as if i have one week of sunshine before the flood.  and im going to relish every single moment i have in the sun.  i've started coming clean with people ive hurt too.   i just feel this amazing feeling to be honest and apologize to everyone about anything. it just feels so good.  i've been hiding for so long and just knowing that things will work themselves out and i can finally take care of myself, it feels incredible.

so now.... the child and her dad are moving into someone's house and i still have my house... we split up an amicable schedule and worked out child support without involving the courts.... now he's actually moving out.  it's hard cos he's been my best friend for 4 years.  we've been thru a lot of good and bad times, a lot of fun and a lot of fighting.  i wanna end it all on a high note.  i wanna end it all on a smile instead of tears.  i know that will be impossible but.... i can hope. 

so there's that.  im coming out of hiding and embracing the first day of this new chapter in my life.  one step at a time, one hurdle at a time, and life will be just fine.  i dont know where this crazy road is taking me, but i am going to go. 

lost in the dark

ive been standing on this thin black line
waivering between the sides
afraid to move for fear of falling down

pushed myself farther out
than i thought was possible to travel
but ive forgotten where is home

your words took me from this height
with a cold hard slap in the face last nite
and im scared of where ive landed
but finally feel found

ive been lying to myself for many days
afraid that my life would be taken away
im standing in the crumbled remains of myself

uncertain where the darkness has me now
not sure if i ever will get out of it alive but
i know im taking the first steps of the rest of my life

your words cut me to the core
with a cold hard stab and then some more
im not sure of where ive landed or whether ill be found
but i feel like i can finally breathe now
maybe i can be free now

dorky song... indeed

this is the dorkiest song ever

holding out or giving up?

ever since i was about 15 years old, i day-dreamed of a prince charming with brown hair, blue eyes, some facial hair, maybe some tattoos, and gallantly introducing himself by means of a guitar and song.  needless to say, NO ONE i have ever dated has been this man.  i had close.... light brown hair, blue eyes, facial hair and NO tattoos or music skill, OR musical skills with brown hair and brown eyes and NO tattoos, or none of the above completely.  i thought he was a myth, because why, any time i did think i found this said fellow, he belonged to another or simply was not attracted to me?
so, do i hold out or give up? 
im not entirely happy at this moment with where things are in my life.  i feel that i deserve better most days.  i feel that this prince charming will "get me" if i ever find him. 
am i being absolutely ludicrous and need to head down a more sane and settling path, or do i hold out for this possible hopeful?
every time i think i find him, i turn into a spastic little puppy, wanting to know right then and there if he is right, and then i frighten him away only to never know and be dubbed a psychopath.  deep down, i swear im 13 years old.
maybe one day i will meet this gallant prince that strolls about with songs he plays for me, or maybe, maybe this person is a dream.... someone to write such blogs about and have good dreams at night.
i suppose i will never know until my time here is done, or until he finds me first.