please let me get what i want!

so i have had this smith's song... please please please let me get what i want....stuck in my head all damn day.
and i had a chat with an amazing friend today and ...
people like me, the kind that never win anything, are a blip on the social radar, where people never remember their name or that they're around, the one that never gets the guy cos they're too shy or plain or goofy, the one that just seems to get the shit end of things.

and then those moments happen.... those epic, movie-scripted moments where this girl gets exactly what she wants.  she's elated.  i mean.... shit, it's like jesus is taking a dump of rainbow colored karma pills and there she stands, mouth open, arms outstretched, soaking in every cascading bowel movement of goodness.  (gross i know im sorry.)

then the rain stops and she floats.
she floats in the most beautiful place.
lily pads and turtles, flowers of every color on still water.... the air is perfect and the sound is pure, only interrupted by the conversation nature is attempting to have with her.
greedily, she grabs an oar and disturbs the peace.
MORE.
GIMME MORE.

dissatisfied, she begins to whine and cry and hate.
she only sees in pinhole vision.... the way where the scope is narrowed and fixated on some microscopic circle.
but she sees what she wants so she pushes and sludges and gets stuck.
she's stuck and swearing and throwing things, disrupting and tormenting the beauty around her.
so much so, that eventually, it's gone.

it's gone and she gets angrier until she finds one lily pad, one petal from a flower to remind her of what was.
this beautifully unmarked moment to just float through.

but she fucked it up.
she fucked it up because of greed.

now she sits alone in this boat, oars cast behind her.
she floats.
she feels the warm sun on her skin and the breeze disrupting the part she just combed in her hair.
she smells the fragrant aroma of life, closes her eyes, and takes it all in.
with eyes closed she can hiccup out a few regretful tears, but that is long gone now.
she's long gone now.

so while yes, it would be so nice to get what we want... when does it end?
when do we stop to realize that we already have all that we want and we need nothing more.
never satisfied we are so content to destroy life and play amongst the ruins, crying over bridges burned and cities lost.

so yes, regretful feelings come to the surface as i sit alone in this boat, oars left on the shore, floating into the most beautiful oblivion i have encountered yet..... 

get a life!!!

im rather overdue for a bitching rant that is bottling up and welling up and close to errupting from every pore and outlet my body has available (yes dear reader, even the butthole).

one thing i am perplexed by (even after my own mistake in doing it) is the concept of spending EVERY WAKING MINUTE with someone when you begin a new relationship.  i don't get it.  i mean i see how it happens, dont get me wrong, but ... GET A LIFE.

i don't have the means to fathom anymore, after setting myself free from being everything someone ELSE wanted, how any one person could lay down their likes and passions and alone time.  i mean, how can you get so lost and so wrapped up in someone else's life and wants and likes that you don't even spend ONE day by yourself?  there is NOTHING wrong with being alone.

shit, after 2 years of it, im really an authority figure to speak on the subject.  i used to be afraid of it at first.... when J and i split, i rushed to fill the void and tried to start dating but then i quickly realized, i had lost myself in another person for so long, i had no idea who i was. 

now, i spend so much time being and doing for everyone else, i relish the idea of quiet nights, curled up with a book or collage scraps or stealing some of bubba's color tabs that make the bath water whatever color my heart desires (except when i mix too many colors together and it turns mucky brown).  the idea of silence and solace is so inviting and intoxicating, i honestly wish i had it right now....

so there is my rant.  there is my one area of confusion for today.  the one subject i have no idea how to begin to fathom the nature and desire of losing yourself completely in another person so much so to the point where you lose your whole life, throw your responsibilities to the wayside, and have zero time for yourself.

maybe im a cynical fuck and really, you don't have to agree with me.  i mean seriously, im eating a brick of cheese right now typing about how i hate the idea of relationships that basically turn into this pseudo-marriage/co-habitation situation so rapidly.  i just think everyone needs a bit of space and alone time.  everyone needs to love themselves and you cant really know and love your real self unless you spend time with your real self..... the real self that shakes every last ounce of chubby buttcheek in the mirror in their underpants- carefree and with reckless abandon to the worst of guilty pleasure pop songs.... the real self that has no idea when the sheets were last washed or if a bathing suit can double as underwear because laundry comes second to a long bike ride.... those kinds of things.

maybe i just now have an appreciation for such things after spending years of hating and hiding my real self.... every awkward face and gesture, every snort and every giggle, my pants recycled for i dunno how many weeks on end before they make it to the wash, my real self that owns pretty much nothing but superhero underpants, my real self that has a dairy allergy yet eats so much cheese.... my real self that has been hurt and still is finding more wounds that need neosporin and muppet bandaids...the good, the silly, the bad, and the very ugly... we all have these parts to ourselves.... it's just a matter of loving every aspect of yourself..... i didnt realize how beautiful my broken and ugly could be until i sat down with her and realized she's just a little bit hurt from the past and needs a friend.  i gotta say, today was a day one more wound was bandaged and one more actually healed. 

so love yourself friends.... take time for yourself friends... it's really that ok.

this rant has not been brought to you by a cynical bitter old hag, but merely by someone who is walking this path and finding out more amazing things on it every day and just wants others to know this invaluable freedom too.  the end.

the big 3-0

i thought it would be just another year.
i thought it was another number, another age, a sign of progression.
little did i know it would begin the most difficult year i think i have ever faced.

and you might be thinking, "kelly, it's just a matter of perspective- a matter of outlook and point of view on the things you're facing."
to which i reply.... "while that may be true, dear reader, in this case, no."

so much.
so much has been uprooted and overturned.  rugs have been pulled from beneath my feet, and my tired eyes are gazing at mountains too high to climb.  i mean, shit, i have vertigo from just looking at them. 

this is my last week of fun times with bubs.
for the past few YEARS, it has been she and i during the week when i didnt have school.  playdates and funtimes.  but now, now i am going to barely see her.  im taking it a bit worse than she is.
this concludes school and bridges my gap into the real working world in a field and profession i do not know much about.  i feel ill-prepared from the clusterfuck that has been the last few quarters of my schooling and from my own procrastination.  i have a licensing exam in under a month i have barely studied for and a board exam in september i haven't even looked at the information for. 

"well, what the fuck kelly?"  you might be thinking to yourself.
i know.  i know.
my priorities have been self centered and self concerning at best.
and then there came my genius idea to take myself off my meds and out of therapy.
my genius idea to just do this all on my own.
my body and mind and soul are just simply exhausted.
i have yard work and painting and house stuff to deal with.
i want to make art and music and have time for friends and fun outings with bubs.
i have bills to pay and no funds in which to do so.

i'm at an adult-crossroads and i would like to turn and run back to my youth.
but i cant.
and in 2 months this stress and chaos will be over.
in 2 months, i am hoping some sort of normalcy will emerge and a regular schedule to bring solace to my burned out spirit.

but i don't feel confident.
i dont feel prepared.
i dont feel ready.

i crave change like most, but when it hits, i want to run for the covers on my bed and just hide like a small child during a thunderstorm.
im not as brave as i would like to admit and pretend.

and that's the major thing.
as much as i tell others i hate lies and i hate phoniness....

I AM THE BIGGEST CULPRIT OF BOTH.... but not to others, just to myself.
i am so mean to myself.
i am so hard on myself.
i ignore myself.

so having to face all of these changes and this 60 hour a week work schedule not counting bubs and driving time and some "homework" in there.... i am at a loss.
my brain is fried and i just want to give up.

ive been spending nights in my bed or on my couch avoiding all things responsible and all things people because i just want to wish this life change away.
but it wont go away.
and i can't ignore it.
it's happening at a more rapid pace than i care to realize.

less time with bubs, less free time, a more hectic and demanding schedule, studying, and all of the things related to my house i still have yet to complete.
maybe i should go back on my meds.
maybe i should talk to someone.
or maybe i should slap on a big hairy pair and just face what's coming.
im not a kid anymore and i can't act like it.

it's time i grew up....
it's time i let go...
it's time i face what i have to, grit my teeth, and weather the upcoming storm....
cos it certainly wont go away because im wishing it away.

a little less

it's funny.  ive never cried from a highfive before.
but i did just now.
mostly because i feel so stupid.
i feel used and deceived.
i feel like a dumb girl.
i feel like the dumbest of girls for assuming words had meaning and actions had meaning.
reality is i was an option when convenient, another one to get in line til next time.
those words were merely vessels to gain the momentary gratification that was sought after.
and when feelings are involved it's time to cut the string that had me pulled in whatever desired direction.
i thought it wouldnt hurt but it does.
mostly cos it was the first time i trusted another person enough to believe what they said and be my real self.
i was comfortable and at ease, guards down.
there was my most critical of errors.
so it's back to keeping people at an arms length distance away.
back to feeling the cold chill from this metallic, protective coating.
no more hurt.
no more believing people mean what they say and say what they mean and only do things because they mean it and not out of selfishness.
today though, im going to let myself hurt and cry a little.
then tomorrow it will be a little less until it's all gone.

so this is the new year...

normally this death cab song runs through my brain every dec 31/jan 1.
it has been running in my head since last nite.
the line is:
"so this is the new year and i dont feel any different."

this is the first time i do feel different.
so much shit has just come to a really gross head.
like a gigantic pus filled zit.
and im popping it.
im fully aware of the nasty goo that is going to shoot out on the mirror and on my fingers, but i cant pretend that it is not an eye sore and that it isnt bothering me.

i am fully prepared for people to not like this new me.
i am fully prepared for people to like this new me.

im done guys.
im done being a doormat and a pushover because im wanting to be so nice that i dont want to hurt anyone's feelings.
sometimes the truth hurts.
i spent all of last year with added weight on my shoulders and burdens to carry that were simply out of not wanting to disappoint anyone else.
well, not to say i will no longer be nice, but it's high time i speak up for myself ALL of the time BEFORE it gets out of hand.

im done being expendable.
you can NOT take and take and take and take from a person at your own whim and on your own time without it having an impact on that person you are constantly taking from.

i live with the lifestyle that if i dont want it done to me, i wont do it to anyone else.
this means i dont lie to people, i tell people how i feel, i dont use people, and im all about the "respect all life" way of living.

so what does this mean from here on out?
no, im not going to be some expendable piece of ass.
i want stability and something genuine and real.
this means i am not going to let my space get encroached upon and usurped.
i am going to love the fuck out of the people in my life and if it scares them, so be it.
this means im not going to be afraid of eyeballs and comments and whispers and glares.
im going to murder the entire world with my friendliness and my smile if that's what it takes.

im done hiding.
im done being quiet.
im done being made to feel bad for having feelings.
im done being made to feel bad for wanting to be more than some convenient option when the time presents itself.

im sticking up for myself in full force now.
i will have a lot of peoples' backs til death .... and it used to be anyones but my own.  well guess what?  that's stopping now.

if you are one of the people that have been using me and walking all over me and just taking.... if you are one of the people that think of me in a matter of convenience and expendability, be prepared to never see me again and to be hearing some strong words before i vanish.  i am just simply not putting up with this shit anymore.  it's gone on for too long.

so good morning world.
this is 30 year old kelly haines.
new decade, new person, no more bullshit.

appreciation

this word... this bundle of letters make up this word that carries such power and meaning.
this combination of sounds that holds so much within itself.

i learned a lot about this word today.
it came up in conversation effortlessly but repeatedly.

today i learned to appreciate.
i learned to appreciate the city i live in... that on one side of me there is chaos and clutter and busy-ness, yet on the other side of me there is tranquility and peace and nature.  im lucky to get to experience that and i appreciate it.

i appreciate that i work up in a sour and foul mood and merely went to get brunch with a friend and it turned into this all day adventure of revealing conversation and truth and feelings and understanding.  there was so much light in today and i appreciate that.

i like that i was forced to see the scope of life outside of my tunnel SELF vision.
so to those that read this that are in my life and to those that dont read this that are in my life...
i want you to know...
i appreciate you.

i appreciate how you let me get to know you, that you want to get to know me, that you see things in me and tell me whether they are good or bad.  i appreciate that you make time for me whether frequent or sparse.  i appreciate you listening to me and letting me listen to you.  i can't thank you enough and i hope the power of this one word will make it to your understanding as you read this or that you can feel it in my thoughts... i appreciate you.

sometimes it's a day of spontaneity and repair to make you realize you have everything you need and everything, for right now, is exactly where it needs to be.

the most beautiful confusion i have ever known

all of the girly thoughts and feelings.
and i suppress most of them.
i have this facade that i am invincible.
this front that i am cold and stubbornly calloused and independent.
this lie that i am above the one basic human want many of us, out of fear, run from.

i can't run anymore.
i can't lie anymore.
i am really awful at pretending.

the truth is eating at my insides.
this thing with the dragonflies.... this self realization....
self, youre a god damn dirty little liar.

it's nothing major at all.
it's no horrendous secret.
in fact, im sure it's rather obvious.

yet i have played this obliviously ditzy fool.
i have played ignorant at best and it has been my worst performance to date.

i said so much leaning me in one direction so as to not appear weak.
in and out of these words and actions said and shown to me, i wasn't sure what to think.
i heard myself blurting out words with no feeling attached but a fake puffed chest kind of gusto that had no real heart behind it.

if i told the truth id be holding jagged fragments of my little heart.
at least that's what id assumed for so long.
now i am at the place if i dont tell the truth, my insides will erupt and i will not be allowed to awaken any further.

the reason i stress how UNimportant this is is merely because it only matters to me really.
i need to come clean to myself.

the reality is, my heart is pulled in this one direction.
ive tried to steer it down alternate avenues and it goes but always comes running back at faster speeds than the first time.

this one direction is an enigma however.
so many twists and turns.
so many one way's when i need to go left.
but it is the most beautiful confusion i have ever known.

ive been half honest.
the only part i havent been completely honest about is just admitting that...
i dont want any other directions.  and although this one direction usually has a lot of road work and it's closed or congested because only one lane is open... it's the only road i want to venture down.  it looks adventurous and is alluring.

so, enigmatic road, there's that but the wonder coursing through my tiny brain is the obvious....
what if you dont want my junky car on your road?  what if you do not have roads that are built for the kind of adventure and dorky displays that are simply all i want?

this is why coming clean to yourself is so scary cos it never just involves YOU.

but i have to.
for whatever reason and regardless if this ends me up in a car crash and i total my vehicle and the road is closed and shut down forever and paved over with sharp glass poking through to unsuspecting tires that don't know the patterns in which to swerve out of harm's way.... i guess i will just have to take the chance and see.

i dont want to speed.
i dont want to race to the figurative finish line.
i dont even want to set cruise control and coast at a quick pace.
i want to enjoy the scenery at the pace im currently at.
i just want this road to not have any other cars on it...
i just want this road to not be a dead end.

regardless of what i want tho... what i really need is to just come clean with things in my own head and heart to be able to move and grow and see a little bit better in this apparent dark.