fists up and ready to swing

actually no, not really at all....
im feeling quite passive today.
it's warm and dreary and raining.
i barely slept due to nerves and anxiety.

today is round 2 of 3 or potentially the last day of court with my ex and his lawyer to sort out child support and custody.
i never wanted it or expected it to get so ugly but it did.

i digress...
i don't want to get started on THAT tangent.

today i can only speak of myself.
i have no energy left.
i've stated my case so many times via email to my ex, via phone calls and written correspondence to county workers, and raised my voice to an attorney and a district attorney a few weeks ago when i was alone, representing myself and having to be strong.

im not sure i have much strength left.
im tired.
im tired of fighting for what i know is right and just.
i feel sick to my stomach reading that last sentence but it's true.
i feel like i can't win.
like david vs goliath....
here i am, a small and meager thing with a slingshot and a rock and there is this huge beast in front of me ready to tear me apart.

and what's really odd is that it isnt my ex who is the beast...
it's his new gf.
it's his attorney.
it's all of the people filling his head with ideas of what is right and just and how i am an awful human to ask him to assist financially in the upbringing of our child.
it's those people calling me lazy and a thief, telling him i am ripping him off by asking for financial support.
and of course he believes anything that assists in bettering his own position and leaves him comfortable because that's how he works but...
he's never been THIS much of a jerk and even when before the judge and his attorney, the aggressive words and monsterous behavior.... it wasn't from him.
it isnt him.

i just want this to be over.
im tired of fighting.
especially today...
today i have no energy or words left.
ive stated my case so many times i don't even believe it anymore.
i can only say that i am a tired single mom.
im tired and work a lot or have bubs for a full day and then go to work....
when i catch a break, it's after a 5-6 hour shift and i only have to be up again the next morning to work some more.... and it just isn't enough to make ends meet cos i just can't do this on my own.

so today, today i hope this is the last day but it may just be round 2 of 3.... today i just want it to be over but it may not be.  today i am asking the universe for strength and grace because i fear that i have none of the above....

i want to go out with my hands down, not raised.
i want this to be peaceful and not bitter.
but i know my inner resiliency will not cave to bullying tactics.  it did not work the first time and as weak as i feel today, it will not work again.

so as you start your day, if youre reading this in passing...
send a good thought my way.
i just want this whole battle to be over and for it to end peacefully and fairly.
i want to display class and grace while trying to once again state my case how i just need bubba's dad to help financially with her needs and cares.
i want to prove to an attorney that it doesn't matter how vicious you get, the truth will always surpass lies and trickery and elaborate phrases.

off to make myself look court appropriate....

the past, revisited

sometimes i like looking back.
actually no, that's a lie.
i used to not like looking back.
i didnt know how to just FUCKING LET GO.
i would hold onto those feelings, those memories, those painful stabs in the heart and gut...
and seeing faces, hearing songs, reading words, going places.... they would just eat me alive.
i would sink into deep despair and feel sad and hurt and.... take 500 giant steps back from where i was right in that second which more than likely was a better place than when i was in that past moment.

now... now i can say that life is exceptionally better.
im taking responsibility for myself, my actions, my words, my choices, and my life.
trimming the fat and the drama from my life in the form of just accepting what is and who is there and letting go of the fact that some people really just do not have time to be around me, do not like me, and just simply choose to not be around me.  letting go of the fact that i cant be everywhere and enjoy all of the fun things people brag about doing.

this is my life and i make it what i want to make it.
if i want fun and smiles and good times, instead of being a sulky sally about what isnt, i can go ahead and make it what i want.
i can be around people that bring me joy and that i bring joy... people that want to be in my life and that i want there.
i can go places and do things within the confines of my current allotment and live in those moments with joy and smiles instead of bitterness and with my mind in the regret of what isnt.

i finally feel closer to being the free that i know im meant to be.

i think moving away from the burbs and into my cozy little apartment in a city that reminds me of long island with shops in mere walking distance, playgrounds down the street, people riding bikes, and neighbors smiling and saying hello.... it's refreshing and inspiring.
i think taking control of the things in my life that were out of control... responsibility for the clean up of the catastrophic wreckage that was left from a tornado of events over the past 3-10 years.... it is finally setting the wheels in motion without blockage from debris and i can keep moving forward.
the loose ends are being tied and i am no longer tripping on open shoelaces every few steps.  maybe now it's every few yards and maybe soon i can run without tripping at all.

i am far from perfect and far from where i want to be, but...
living in the now....
living with open hands and just accepting what is...
taking the punches...
but getting up again....
falling down....
but getting up, brushing off my dusty knees, putting bandaids on open wounds....
smiling after shedding a few tantrumy tears....
that is key.
stopping to appreciate the life i have and not be angry for the life i have not....

i didnt read a self help book and im not in a new religion...
i think maybe i just woke up...
or maybe some time in seclusion in the burbs with a perfect shit storm destroying my life had me standing in a pile of debris and i was forced to just buck up and move on.
regardless.... i like this new progression.
i like this momentum.
i think i finally like where im at.

logic vs the eating disorder

so you all know by now i suffer from anxiety.
well, not so much suffer, but am working on being treated for it.

when i first began my trial of medication, i stopped eating out of anxiety and seriously gave zero fucks about my body for the first time in a long time.  i guess since beginning them, my body has gained a tolerance and lately.... well lately, the battle is tougher than ever.

last summer i just started vomitting.  i would get seriously so fed up with my ex that the only thing i felt that i could control was throwing up.  it felt cleansing after eating to just throw up.  i can't explain the logic in this thought process because seriously, it is completely illogical.  at that time i just made sense to me.  i had to stop when one day at dinner bubs asked me why i kept going to the bathroom and leaving her for so long.

recently however... recently i have to admit that my desire to binge eat to destroy anxiety has returned and with that.... with that a major phobia of being overweight.  so much so that on occasion, at random times of the day, even if i have not eaten a thing, i will force myself to throw up.  i don't know why it is.  i think it has to do with control.  my stomach hurts from feeling nervous and anxious about things, so i throw up.  that is how i can control it for now and i hate it.  sometimes i will eat so much just so that i can vomit because vomitting on an empty stomach hurts like hell and is seriously the worst.  there's something calming though about seeing the contents of my stomach emptied into the toilet.  i can't explain it.

this morning, the battle inside of my brain raged on in the worst way.  i tried on shorts from a few summers ago since today it is supposed to reach a miraculous 72 degrees.  well, needless to say, my 30 year old body has spread in various places and those shorts are tight as all poo.  sure i got them butttoned, but not in a pretty way.  instantly my brain raced onto calling myself the worst names in the world.  i told myself i was fat and lazy and a glutton and disgusting and ugly and gross.... i told myself that everyone i pass probably stares at my large ass and thighs.  i convinced myself that i cant keep a boyfriend for long because my body is so gross, who would really want to see me naked.

what i didnt think about was the logical truth that when i had bought these shorts three summers ago, i had a problem with NOT eating and was at my tiniest since birth.  of course i immediately dismissed this thought because it made sense.  instead of embracing my curves and my body as it is for being simply a house to my spirit, an external shape housing my bubbly personality, i let it dominate me and my choice of clothing for the day.

with every bite of food and with every ounce of liquid i put into my body, healthy or not, the thoughts plague me ... the guilt harasses me....

what if no one had ever called me fat growing up?  what if i had never heard the words fat or chubby or large?  what if my dad had never made comments about my shape?  what if i were judged simply on my personality and my actual self?  would i be the way i am today?  what if i had a mother that was concerned with her daughter growing up with a healthy body image instead of promoting the disgusting idea that unless one is thin and outwardly beautiful, they are worthless and shameful?

needless to say, this battle has been over 15 years in the process and i am hoping for a strong victory this summer.  i know my meds need increasing, but more importantly, i know some cognitive change needs to take place.  we have started by banning the word fat from our home.  sometimes that isnt enough.  i have made my daughter obsessed with knowing what is healthy to eat and what is not.  while that could be considered good, she is obsessed with it with every bite she takes.

i hope not to lead her down this slippery slope of needing to burn every calorie that she intakes and starving herself to fit into a stick figure obsessed world.  it starts with me though.  it starts with my thought patterns, my words to myself whether voiced or not.

this battle is real my friends and very hard.  i hope i can seek help for it, but the schedule of a working single mother leaves hardly any time for therapy or a nutritionist.  it's much easier said than done..... but being honest here, whether anyone reads this or not is start enough for me....

update

i havent had internet for a while so ive been away from this thing called a laptop.
i gotta say it did me a world of good.
being away from social media and in actual real life forced me to deal with a lot of issues.
namely one, being my high anxiety which spurred on OCD tendencies also spurring on ADHD.

so i've been taking my meds for a while and thought i was doing great.
that was until this new hurdle decided to come up called moving and at the same time another hurdle called a court date to establish child support.

needless to say these "major issues" have so many sub issues, my head is once again spinning.
i find myself behaving the same as i had previously.
im nervous for everything, even things that are so second nature to me, or around people that i know love me and that i love too.
im itchy.  all of the time i am itching my legs and have really large scabs and scratches that i don't like to see.
my hygiene sucks.  i'll just leave it there.
im eating more.
i started throwing up after eating again sometimes.... only during high peak episodes.
im losing sleep.
my heart races.
ive been getting tremors at night sometimes.
im losing interest in people and things.
my body aches all over and random joints are painful.
housework is piling up yet i find myself in a catch 22... im obsessing about having to clean and organize and put things in a specific order and yet i find myself just going "meh" toward any action.

i mean these are just a few things....it's debilitating.  i know i need to call my psychiatrist for a higher dose but.... even that falls to the wayside because ignoring things is my coping mechanism apparently.

on a positive note, bubs and i moved to uptown and when im walkin about and exploring and being amidst people and cars and bikes, i breathe in deeply and feel home and happy and ... alive.

i think that's my only update.... no school.... currently no music although i miss it like hell.... just a ton of anxiety for the moment.

i have to say i believe in the meds im on.... they did me well for a few months and now... life is just proving too much and i think i just need an increase.... for now.  i dont want to be on pills forever...i just want to learn how to function again. 

coping...

guys, mental illness is something that is so frowned upon.
it is something that no one talks about because it is a faux pax thing.
it is socially unaccceptable.
it is a weakness.
it means you're crazy and have issues and things of that nature.

it is none of the above.

for most of my childhood, i battled with depression and suicidal tendencies.
instead of cutting like a normal angsty teen, i took keys and any blunt object i could find and scraped at my skin til it was raw and i could see little specks of blood.
i didnt just want the rush of a cut and a rush at the sight of blood.
i wanted to make myself numb from pain in any other area so i could stop feeling what i was feeling emotionally.
no one knew.
i stopped eating when i was a teenager and survived on iceberg lettuce and ice cubes.
since i dropped a lot of weight and was previously a chubby kid, no one knew.  they just thought i was trying to finally be healthy.
i remember throwing up every day on the way to kindergarten on this one tree because i was terrified of school.... terrified of kids who picked on me, terrified of getting wrong answers, and terrified to be there in general.

i lived my life with depression, anxiety, and some mildly compulsive behaviors.
no one noticed.
no one noticed and i thought these were normal.

then i get into adulthood, take my umpteenth psychology class in good ol' community college and find out that these behaviors and thoughts and tendencies are in fact, not "normal" at all.

so i find out i have adult onset ADHD.
i thought this was the root of everything.
until recently.
last spring, i went to the emergency room for breathing difficulties and for having an abnormally high pulse for 3 days.
turns out it was an anxiety attack.
they just told me to "calm down."
right.  ok guys.  thanks for your medical expertise.

the past few months though, i found myself in a debilitating state.
my heart was racing.
i was hyperventilating.
i was throwing up at random.
i couldn't sleep.
my compulsions started resurfacing and i found myself staring at the hardwood floors and obsessively cleaning them.
my body was tense and sore.
i was crabby at nothing and everything.
i avoided things i needed to take care of.
i didn't want to leave my bed.
i didn't want to go to work, pick up my bubs, or move.
my mind was going a mile a milisecond.

i learned about anxiety symptoms in children while at work and realized.... my symptoms fit the bill and while never clinically diagnosed with anxiety, i definitely needed to go back to the doctor and work this out.

so world, today i am dropping out of school for a while.
in 2 weeks i have a meeting with my therapist to try to come up with some coping techniques.

i realized that ive been keeping myself unnecessarily busy and stressed out to avoid dealing with the things of my past and avoid focusing on the mental illnesses that have been holding me back.
it isn't right that i do this to myself.
my health should be important to me physically and especially mentally.
i do not like living like this.

i have been kind of a shut in since november and i am definitely tired of avoiding people because i don't know how they will perceive and receive me.
it isn't right and it isn't fair to keep doing this to myself.

so hey guys, i struggle with some mental illnesses.
so hey guys, i have some problems im public about and no, im definitely not perfect.

before you go judging based on all of the above, understand this....
when you have the flu, an illness, you feel like doing nothing and you feel like shit and you just want everything to go away.
imagine your brain having the flu every day ..... not wanting to work properly, not wanting to move the rest of your body, and constantly being in a heavy, foggy state.
it sucks.
it's debilitating. 
but rest and medicine make your body better, don't they?
well... im off to find what works.
finally.
im admitting i am not mentally healthy, but i want to be there....

im tired of coping enough to just get by.
i want to be free.
no one should live like this.

dictated, not read

i have to stop letting the past define the present.
it's almost as if im in a state of paralyzed psychosis.
it's unappealing and very uncomfortable.
sometimes i question my logic aloud and hear how foolish my thoughts sound.
but it's what i know.
i know not to trust.
i know people are out to get me and hurt me and treat me like a joke and a loser and a game.
i know people have nothing but horrible intentions to use me and throw me away like a cheap happy meal toy.

but this isnt true.
what i know is false.
yes, some people are horrible and evil and bad.
SOME.
some does not apply to all.
some does not equal all.
some IS NOT all.

but this paralyzing dictation.... this internal monologue on repeat as the needle is stuck in a groove....
it ruins me.
it ruins all and any good.
because i believe it.
because i give it validation.
it has no legs to stand on, no proof in the pudding...
but still i cast it in front of my eyes like a veil and see what i know.
i hear and see and live in my "logic" and it is crippling.

then why dont you stop, kelly?
right in this moment i am taking the first step....
telling myself to SHUT UP.
telling the internal crevices of my cerebral cortex to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

yes, ive been hurt.
yes, ive been told i was a bitch, a loser, a joke, fat, a waste of life, a waste of time, off putting, boring, uninteresting, and that i should just kill myself.
(that is not the half of it nor is it a fabrication.... these are real things.)
ive been lied to and cheated on and just treated like crap.

i let that shut me away behind iron bars, steel walls, with brass knuckles ready to go at whomever dares cross the threshold of my metal prison.
and for the first time in a while i feel like opening the gates, letting down the walls, and shedding light in this dark space.
feeling so exposed and vulnerable i take everything for what it is not and make it into what i know it is and should be based on previous experiences.
who does that?
what kind of self involved, sadistic, fuck does those things?

me.

i.


i do.
not because i want to but simply because it is what i know.
this is the first time i am plugging my ears.
avoiding all of my logic in hopes that for once i am so very wrong.
i would love love love to be wrong.
please prove me wrong.

banishing the negative

i think of how much i take for granted.
i looked at some thing online about the 35 happiest moments ever.
watching small children get so excited over a train or bubbles or a hug with a dog and seeing a deaf woman hear for the first time....
it made me realize something.

it made me realize how little i value my life.
i dread my waking moments because they are filled with bill collectors, a negative bank account, a near 4 year old with major listening problems and mild adhd....
but that isn't what life is supposed to be.
it's not a chore.
it's not just anticipating the next worse moment and with a heavy sigh trucking forward.

so today....
today may i live with the eyes of a child.
today may i find wonder and beauty and excitement in the small things.
today may i forget the things i cannot control and experience my waking moments for what they are meant to be.
may i find value in every tiny interaction with every person.
may i share love and smiles with everyone regardless of how they perceive me.
may kindness come from my mouth and not give home to any negative word.

maybe it's these tiny changes.
these tiny choices every day to choose to see the good and positive, to choose to find worth and value in the small that simply make those daunting adultish monsters disappear into the dark of night where they came from.

i can only try.