a brief moment

where i reflect upon the fact that i was merely a warm body to release you from your downward spiral.
where i think upon the instances that occurred over and over again.
i am your afterthought.
i am the last thought on your mind in the morning, throughout the day, and before you go to sleep at night.
but you said so much more.
you said three words that mean a lot to someone like me.
you told me over and over again that i was wrong and speaking with an accusing tone.
there are no accusations in truth.
actions speak truth and need not a single breath or stumbling syllable.
you ignored me.
you ditched me.
you refused to spare a second of time for me.
you forgot about me.
you stared at every screen to avoid my face and physical touch.
when you wanted something though...
affection, affirmation, a warm body, encouragement, sympathy, a ride, a beer, or food.... there i was.
you never cared.
you said all of the right words and here i am, round 3, balled up fists stuffed in my eye sockets, trying to stifle the sounds of my sobbing so as to not wake the sleeping child in the next room.
i hurt.
i hurt and i cry not because you were amazing and things went south....
i hurt and i cry out of my own stupidity.
i believed you.
i trusted you.
i shared things with you i didnt share with anyone in a long time.
i let you in to parts of my life that no one has seen before.
you proved to only be selfish and conceited and arrogant.
instead of hearing my pleas for change, you accused me of accusing you.
instead of evaluating yourself and your own behavior, you lashed out in the most unkind tones.
you took to ignoring me when i reached out to you.

so i guess... in this brief moment i reflect on my stupidity.
in this brief moment i sink a little deeper into my tear and snot soaked comforter to find a small amount of comfort.
i doubt you will ever think you were in the wrong.
but your mother who has never even met me was right...
you dont deserve me.
you pushed me away and you lost me.

i waited 6 years for another of your kind to come forward on his promises and be the man he promised he'd be.
he never did.
i learned that lesson the hard way.
so now, round three, fists down... i give up.
you win.
enjoy your beautiful reflection, the sound of your own voice, the warmth of your own self, and the benefits of being alone.
maybe if you dare to date again, try to remember the things i told you so much that they began to seem dream-like in its repetitive nature:
"girls like to be made to feel thought of and important.
we like to be asked on dates where someone just plans something no matter how simple.
we like surprises no matter how small or cheesy.
letting someone know you care about them and are thinking about them doesnt take much time or any money.
it's ok to let your guard down and be gushy and dorky. 
dont watch us cry and yell at us.  it's kinda mean.
don't ditch us to get drunk with your friends.
don't forget about plans you make with us no matter how short the time is that we were going to hang out.
listen to us when we have things to say, especially if we keep repeating that we feel hurt and irrelevant to you."

so, i guess my brief moment has passed.... i've cried out my stupidity.  i've cried out my sadness.
tomorrow is a fresh start with you and all of this in my past.

the older i get, the harder i fall

i swear to it... i'm a sucker.
im so easily duped sometimes it's ridiculous.

i think about all of the fads that flash before me to get thin quick or have a healthier lifestyle or have daily happiness or a successful relationship.

i buy into all of it.

worst of all, im too trusting.
the older i get, the harder i fall.

why is that so, you might find yourself asking?

because i've given up.
ive given up believing that what i want is tangible and real.
i am blindsided by really elaborate promises and words and when all the words prove to be are brittle bits of dust to choke on, it's too late, im in too deep, and there i fall.

all i want is someone who wants to spend time with me; someone who is proud to be with me and can't get enough of me.  someone that knows how to be thoughtful and cute and sweet and realizes that showing someone you care or taking a girl on a date doesn't have to cost a dime.... that it doesn't even require any effort.... just thought if the person really means anything at all.

and i never do.
im a warm body so they don't feel lonely.
im a chaueffer.
im the glutton that eats the lines and lies.
im the one that puts in attention and thought and instigates conversations and love.
im always left hanging, dry, and empty.

no more.
i would rather be alone the rest of my life than deal with one more immature, selfish, little boy that does not know how to properly treat a lady.
im all for being gushy and cute on someone and have to say i am a thoughtful girlfriend, but when no effort is put my way in return and it's all "i was gonna do this" or "one day we should do that" and never any concrete, visible signs.... im done.
like i said, it's far too easy to pick someone a flower to show you care or write them a note or surprise them with a visit or take them for a hike or make them dinner or give them a back rub after a long day...

i deserve to matter to someone and until someone proves to me i can matter to them without lying to me and cheating on me or feeding me empty promises of coulds and woulds and shoulds.... when someone effortlessly loves me and doesn't let me doubt it for a second... i will not settle or put up with anything less.

maybe i sound bitchy or pretentious or needy or greedy.... im tired of being the one to upkeep a relationship all on my own.  im tired of being neglected and forgotten....i deserve to feel loved and valued too.

it seems to get worse as i find men my own age, but.... maybe somewhere out there someone is a kind and gentle soul.  maybe somewhere out there my dorky robot boy has my birthday balloon for me and a dorky mix cd.  maybe one day he'll hold my hand and kiss my cheek and sit with me in blissful silence smiling because that is what makes sense.

maybe one day.

stop and read the signs

literally.
i had to watch an xray positioning video (ok more like 5 or 6 mini ones for a whole hours) and i was bored out of my skull.  i was at one of the doctor's desks and started noticing the amazing pictures he had from the 70s where his mustache was absolutely fantastic, his beautiful and large family, and all of the really inspiring quotes on his wall.  they were all about giving and being selfless and humble.  this one stuck out to me so hard and i can only hope to strive to put this into greater practice every day. 

so im sorry to be cheesy with a post about an inspirational quote, but i notice (myself included in this lump sum of persons) that there is SO much complaining going on around me about what isnt, and how things arent fair, and the have nots.... this stuck out to me and i thought id share cos i know i could sure use this reminder too....

"promise yourself::
to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. to talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person that you meet. to make all your friends feel that there is something in them. to look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. to think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best. to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are for your own. to forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. to wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile. to give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
- dr. lindsey dewey pankey"

fists up and ready to swing

actually no, not really at all....
im feeling quite passive today.
it's warm and dreary and raining.
i barely slept due to nerves and anxiety.

today is round 2 of 3 or potentially the last day of court with my ex and his lawyer to sort out child support and custody.
i never wanted it or expected it to get so ugly but it did.

i digress...
i don't want to get started on THAT tangent.

today i can only speak of myself.
i have no energy left.
i've stated my case so many times via email to my ex, via phone calls and written correspondence to county workers, and raised my voice to an attorney and a district attorney a few weeks ago when i was alone, representing myself and having to be strong.

im not sure i have much strength left.
im tired.
im tired of fighting for what i know is right and just.
i feel sick to my stomach reading that last sentence but it's true.
i feel like i can't win.
like david vs goliath....
here i am, a small and meager thing with a slingshot and a rock and there is this huge beast in front of me ready to tear me apart.

and what's really odd is that it isnt my ex who is the beast...
it's his new gf.
it's his attorney.
it's all of the people filling his head with ideas of what is right and just and how i am an awful human to ask him to assist financially in the upbringing of our child.
it's those people calling me lazy and a thief, telling him i am ripping him off by asking for financial support.
and of course he believes anything that assists in bettering his own position and leaves him comfortable because that's how he works but...
he's never been THIS much of a jerk and even when before the judge and his attorney, the aggressive words and monsterous behavior.... it wasn't from him.
it isnt him.

i just want this to be over.
im tired of fighting.
especially today...
today i have no energy or words left.
ive stated my case so many times i don't even believe it anymore.
i can only say that i am a tired single mom.
im tired and work a lot or have bubs for a full day and then go to work....
when i catch a break, it's after a 5-6 hour shift and i only have to be up again the next morning to work some more.... and it just isn't enough to make ends meet cos i just can't do this on my own.

so today, today i hope this is the last day but it may just be round 2 of 3.... today i just want it to be over but it may not be.  today i am asking the universe for strength and grace because i fear that i have none of the above....

i want to go out with my hands down, not raised.
i want this to be peaceful and not bitter.
but i know my inner resiliency will not cave to bullying tactics.  it did not work the first time and as weak as i feel today, it will not work again.

so as you start your day, if youre reading this in passing...
send a good thought my way.
i just want this whole battle to be over and for it to end peacefully and fairly.
i want to display class and grace while trying to once again state my case how i just need bubba's dad to help financially with her needs and cares.
i want to prove to an attorney that it doesn't matter how vicious you get, the truth will always surpass lies and trickery and elaborate phrases.

off to make myself look court appropriate....

the past, revisited

sometimes i like looking back.
actually no, that's a lie.
i used to not like looking back.
i didnt know how to just FUCKING LET GO.
i would hold onto those feelings, those memories, those painful stabs in the heart and gut...
and seeing faces, hearing songs, reading words, going places.... they would just eat me alive.
i would sink into deep despair and feel sad and hurt and.... take 500 giant steps back from where i was right in that second which more than likely was a better place than when i was in that past moment.

now... now i can say that life is exceptionally better.
im taking responsibility for myself, my actions, my words, my choices, and my life.
trimming the fat and the drama from my life in the form of just accepting what is and who is there and letting go of the fact that some people really just do not have time to be around me, do not like me, and just simply choose to not be around me.  letting go of the fact that i cant be everywhere and enjoy all of the fun things people brag about doing.

this is my life and i make it what i want to make it.
if i want fun and smiles and good times, instead of being a sulky sally about what isnt, i can go ahead and make it what i want.
i can be around people that bring me joy and that i bring joy... people that want to be in my life and that i want there.
i can go places and do things within the confines of my current allotment and live in those moments with joy and smiles instead of bitterness and with my mind in the regret of what isnt.

i finally feel closer to being the free that i know im meant to be.

i think moving away from the burbs and into my cozy little apartment in a city that reminds me of long island with shops in mere walking distance, playgrounds down the street, people riding bikes, and neighbors smiling and saying hello.... it's refreshing and inspiring.
i think taking control of the things in my life that were out of control... responsibility for the clean up of the catastrophic wreckage that was left from a tornado of events over the past 3-10 years.... it is finally setting the wheels in motion without blockage from debris and i can keep moving forward.
the loose ends are being tied and i am no longer tripping on open shoelaces every few steps.  maybe now it's every few yards and maybe soon i can run without tripping at all.

i am far from perfect and far from where i want to be, but...
living in the now....
living with open hands and just accepting what is...
taking the punches...
but getting up again....
falling down....
but getting up, brushing off my dusty knees, putting bandaids on open wounds....
smiling after shedding a few tantrumy tears....
that is key.
stopping to appreciate the life i have and not be angry for the life i have not....

i didnt read a self help book and im not in a new religion...
i think maybe i just woke up...
or maybe some time in seclusion in the burbs with a perfect shit storm destroying my life had me standing in a pile of debris and i was forced to just buck up and move on.
regardless.... i like this new progression.
i like this momentum.
i think i finally like where im at.

logic vs the eating disorder

so you all know by now i suffer from anxiety.
well, not so much suffer, but am working on being treated for it.

when i first began my trial of medication, i stopped eating out of anxiety and seriously gave zero fucks about my body for the first time in a long time.  i guess since beginning them, my body has gained a tolerance and lately.... well lately, the battle is tougher than ever.

last summer i just started vomitting.  i would get seriously so fed up with my ex that the only thing i felt that i could control was throwing up.  it felt cleansing after eating to just throw up.  i can't explain the logic in this thought process because seriously, it is completely illogical.  at that time i just made sense to me.  i had to stop when one day at dinner bubs asked me why i kept going to the bathroom and leaving her for so long.

recently however... recently i have to admit that my desire to binge eat to destroy anxiety has returned and with that.... with that a major phobia of being overweight.  so much so that on occasion, at random times of the day, even if i have not eaten a thing, i will force myself to throw up.  i don't know why it is.  i think it has to do with control.  my stomach hurts from feeling nervous and anxious about things, so i throw up.  that is how i can control it for now and i hate it.  sometimes i will eat so much just so that i can vomit because vomitting on an empty stomach hurts like hell and is seriously the worst.  there's something calming though about seeing the contents of my stomach emptied into the toilet.  i can't explain it.

this morning, the battle inside of my brain raged on in the worst way.  i tried on shorts from a few summers ago since today it is supposed to reach a miraculous 72 degrees.  well, needless to say, my 30 year old body has spread in various places and those shorts are tight as all poo.  sure i got them butttoned, but not in a pretty way.  instantly my brain raced onto calling myself the worst names in the world.  i told myself i was fat and lazy and a glutton and disgusting and ugly and gross.... i told myself that everyone i pass probably stares at my large ass and thighs.  i convinced myself that i cant keep a boyfriend for long because my body is so gross, who would really want to see me naked.

what i didnt think about was the logical truth that when i had bought these shorts three summers ago, i had a problem with NOT eating and was at my tiniest since birth.  of course i immediately dismissed this thought because it made sense.  instead of embracing my curves and my body as it is for being simply a house to my spirit, an external shape housing my bubbly personality, i let it dominate me and my choice of clothing for the day.

with every bite of food and with every ounce of liquid i put into my body, healthy or not, the thoughts plague me ... the guilt harasses me....

what if no one had ever called me fat growing up?  what if i had never heard the words fat or chubby or large?  what if my dad had never made comments about my shape?  what if i were judged simply on my personality and my actual self?  would i be the way i am today?  what if i had a mother that was concerned with her daughter growing up with a healthy body image instead of promoting the disgusting idea that unless one is thin and outwardly beautiful, they are worthless and shameful?

needless to say, this battle has been over 15 years in the process and i am hoping for a strong victory this summer.  i know my meds need increasing, but more importantly, i know some cognitive change needs to take place.  we have started by banning the word fat from our home.  sometimes that isnt enough.  i have made my daughter obsessed with knowing what is healthy to eat and what is not.  while that could be considered good, she is obsessed with it with every bite she takes.

i hope not to lead her down this slippery slope of needing to burn every calorie that she intakes and starving herself to fit into a stick figure obsessed world.  it starts with me though.  it starts with my thought patterns, my words to myself whether voiced or not.

this battle is real my friends and very hard.  i hope i can seek help for it, but the schedule of a working single mother leaves hardly any time for therapy or a nutritionist.  it's much easier said than done..... but being honest here, whether anyone reads this or not is start enough for me....

update

i havent had internet for a while so ive been away from this thing called a laptop.
i gotta say it did me a world of good.
being away from social media and in actual real life forced me to deal with a lot of issues.
namely one, being my high anxiety which spurred on OCD tendencies also spurring on ADHD.

so i've been taking my meds for a while and thought i was doing great.
that was until this new hurdle decided to come up called moving and at the same time another hurdle called a court date to establish child support.

needless to say these "major issues" have so many sub issues, my head is once again spinning.
i find myself behaving the same as i had previously.
im nervous for everything, even things that are so second nature to me, or around people that i know love me and that i love too.
im itchy.  all of the time i am itching my legs and have really large scabs and scratches that i don't like to see.
my hygiene sucks.  i'll just leave it there.
im eating more.
i started throwing up after eating again sometimes.... only during high peak episodes.
im losing sleep.
my heart races.
ive been getting tremors at night sometimes.
im losing interest in people and things.
my body aches all over and random joints are painful.
housework is piling up yet i find myself in a catch 22... im obsessing about having to clean and organize and put things in a specific order and yet i find myself just going "meh" toward any action.

i mean these are just a few things....it's debilitating.  i know i need to call my psychiatrist for a higher dose but.... even that falls to the wayside because ignoring things is my coping mechanism apparently.

on a positive note, bubs and i moved to uptown and when im walkin about and exploring and being amidst people and cars and bikes, i breathe in deeply and feel home and happy and ... alive.

i think that's my only update.... no school.... currently no music although i miss it like hell.... just a ton of anxiety for the moment.

i have to say i believe in the meds im on.... they did me well for a few months and now... life is just proving too much and i think i just need an increase.... for now.  i dont want to be on pills forever...i just want to learn how to function again.