insomnia with a dash of anxiety

i was woken up by miss picklecat wanting to be pet and have me be big spoon.
when she'd had enough attention, off she went leaving me in a half awake stupor.
so naturally, i reached for my phone to see what excitement i missed overnight.

i dont know if it's technology, the constant blur of being involved in peoples' lives via words and pictures on a website, or the fact that my brain can take one person's successes and turn it into a downward spiral of hurtful comments toward myself, but here i am, 550am, wide awake, hating myself.

now, don't get me wrong, i do have the most ridiculous anxiety and am still working on it.  i deal with depression, ocd, and a very obvious case of adhd.  i take my meds for the above clinical diagnoses when i remember, but sometimes.... sometimes moments like these are far beyond medications.  moments like these are where i need to talk myself down off the ledge and just go back to bed.

but it's hard right now.
it's hard because i feel like a failure.
i worry about money.
i hate my body.
i worry im not good enough.
i worry about days and months from now with made up scenarios.
i think im alone.
i think im forgotten.
i hate the life i have and wish i had someone else's instead.

but here is the danger.... the pitfall of a culture obsessed with social media. 
we only put things out there we want people to see (unless youre me who has no fucks left and literally just spills every personal ounce of her life onto the interwebs even stuff dealing with bowel movements).
we delete the photos where we have a double chin, a fat roll, or where a few hairs are out of place.
we post the fun stories, the success stories, the vacation and concert pictures, our triumphs and our winning moments.
very rarely do we see someone as they truly are.

so yes, while i shouldnt compare myself to anyone (let's be real tho... we all compare ourselves to SOMEONE or SOMETHING else even if it's a former version of ourselves), i am flooded with images and stories where that is all i can do.  easy solution would be to read a book and get the fuck off the internet.  easy solution would be to know the truth about the internet..... but with lovely mental diagnoses such as mine, that isn't always the easiest solution.

so, it's nealy 6am, i'm tired, i feel sad, and utterly alone.
there's more behind those feelings than i am letting on right now but im thirsty and want some apple juice.  also picklecat put her tail right on top of my backspace key and i feel a little bad smushing it when im trying to correct an error.

all i can say is send some good thoughts.  i hate these moments where deep down i know better but the surface level, immediate kelly is just not embracing the whole and full truth, getting full on candy instead of nutrients.  this will pass since it does not fill, but i am not ready to experience the gut rot.

the voices...

with depression, anxiety, ocd, and adhd.... medicated or not, some days are just better than others.  strange things like the weather and temperature and the color of the sky actually does have a major impact on these mental illnesses.

while my medication is good at taking care of my symptoms most days, there are a few days out of the month where it just isn't enough... where the voices in my head get so loud and so hard to ignore.

i've come a very long way in the past few months.  normally i wouldn't chalk a few months up to a victory, but i'm starting to see that if i don't.... if i give in to the lie of "well, it's only been a month, so there's not enough evidence you really can do this" or if i give in to the lies that plague my brain, "you're small.... you're irrelevant... no one likes you... you're alone... you're horrible... you're fat.... you're really ugly.... no one really likes you.... you're invisible... people wish you'd disappear... you have nothing relevant to say.... you're so stupid.... you're worthless... you're better off hiding out so you can spare people from having to put up with you...."  then im back where i began.

in november, that was the last time i cut myself.  it was probably the time that i cut myself the worst... so bad i left visible scars.  i had 53 and now im down to 3 dark ones and about 10 faded ones.  i wouldn't say i was knocking on death's door... i was mostly fed up, not sure how to release any of what i was feeling and thought cutting would be like puncturing a small hole in an already too full balloon to release some air before it would burst.

since then, i have been trying really hard to notice when my symptoms are in a place beyond where my meds have the ability to help.  the past few days have been such a place.  i noticed myself unconsciously giving in to these self defeating, negative, very self depricating thoughts.  i even voiced a lot of these statements out loud.  the horrified look on some peoples' faces made me realize that i was once again doing it.  i was becoming the victim.  i was becoming the captive to these abusive and commanding thoughts. 

i'm not a victim.  i'm a victor.
i'm not helpless.  i'm strong.
i'm not a captive.  i'm free.

i have to remember these things daily... especially days like today and  the past few days. 
it's ok to let myself cry a little to release some of the imaginary inflation.  it's ok to tell myself out loud that these thoughts are insane and i'm better than this.  it's ok to vent on a public forum or on a scrap of paper in private.

so that's what im doing right here... enjoying a cup of delicious coffee, staring out at the cold, bleak morning that i soon have to encounter to head off to work, reminding myself that i am not the following:

-hated
-stupid
-worthless
-invisible
-a failure
-alone
-fat
-ugly
-boring

and that i AM the following:

-strong
-funny
-smart
-brave
-silly
-loved
-welcomed
-kind
-beautiful
-alive

i think that last part is key.  im still here for a reason.  im alive, in this new year, with this glorious mash up of mental illnesses that i once let control and rule every moment of every day for me.  these thoughts do not control me.  these illnesses do not have power over me.  yes, some days my medication isn't strong enough... but sometimes in battle, guns arent enough and you end up in hand to hand combat.  sometimes mere opinions are not enough and you need facts and proof to back it up.  sometimes one instrument is not enough and you need a whole symphony.

today is yet another day i am taking control of my life and my thoughts and i am going to be thankful for today.  thankful that im alive.  thankful for the people that are in my life that I CHOOSE to be there.  it's MY CHOICE who is in my life and if people don't like me, i don't need that negativity there anyway.

today i am choosing to live in gratitude and kindness and love.  thank you dear friends for being in my life in spite of all of my hang ups and for encouraging me and supporting me along the way.

love and hugs and happy stuff.
kelly
-

far from perfect...

....that's how i would sum up my life.
far from perfect, far from ideal.

my life as a single mom in the past 3 years and a bit has been one crazy whirlwind....
and at 31, i have to say that it is far from what i would have ever called my ideal, perfect scenario.

im broke.
most of my bills are behind.
i hardly ever go out.
i miss every show i want to go to.
the number of friends i have is dwindling because of my schedule.
im usually quite stressed or exhausted due to my job and then coming home to take care of bubs and picklecat and cook and clean up after all of us.
i am the worst possible person to give any remote amount of alcohol to.
i'm not the first person sought after on a friday night.
i havent been on a proper date in god knows how long because, who wants to date a mom?
i don't receive many texts or phone calls.
i basically have to bother people to hang out with me sometimes because my schedule is always wonky.
im scatterbrained as all heck.

but in the midst of accepting solitude and quiet....
in the subtle moments where i have a load on my plate and im not sure how im gonna carry it all...
there's this little monkey-girl smiling at me, hugging me, telling me im a beautiful mom and that she loves me.
she shows off for me and wants my undivided attention.
shes imaginative and beautiful and smart and kind.
she needs me and she loves me just as much as i need and love her too.

so you see, while my life is far from perfect, far from any dream scenario i would have ever wanted or chosen or thought up for myself... this is the life i have.  these are the cards i was dealt.  i could be a sour puss and just throw em in and call it quits... but i dont.  that silly giggle of hers keeps me going.  i put on my tight lipped poker face and go all in. 
that amazing feeling i get when she hugs me is enough to refuel my empty tank.

no my life is not a random adventurefest full of all of the amazing punk rock shenanigans, but it is full of more love than most know, more laughter and smiles and fun quirky moments than most experience in a lifetime.  and while most of these are small....so small that most people would ignore them and pass them up as mere fragments of dust, these are the memories and moments that i look forward to, that keep me going, and that make my far from perfect, far from ideal life pretty damn amazing after all.

coming to some serious terms

the year's almost over.  i never thought id be MORE thankful for a year to end in my life.  seriously.
this year has brought more headaches and drama than i would like to admit dealing with.
this year has brought so many people in and out of my life you'd think i had a revolving door attached to me.
this year has brought so many challenges and hardships that i would love to say i faced head on, but alas, i can not.

i cracked.
i caved.
i failed.
i buckled.

you guys, i came to terms with some really important information:
I AM HUMAN.

i can NOT handle everything.
i need help sometimes.
i can only handle so much before it is just too much.
even machinery has weight limits... i don't know why i thought i could bear the weight of the world and then some on my very frail shoulders.

i would like to say that my cracking and caving did not amount to much damage, but it did.
i wanted to die.
i cut myself worse than i have ever in my 31 years of existing.
i hated myself in every aspect possible and isolated myself from a lot of people.

i made poor choices with my life and my health.
i can say i didnt put bubs first like i always strive to.

but im walking away at the end of this year an amazingly strong woman.
i've found my voice.
i've found an acceptance with myself that i never fully had before.
my head feels clear and focused.
i've cut dramatic and stupid people out of my life.
i've learned to make peace with a lot of situations and live in a mindset of peace and love.

do i have bad days?
sure do.
are there days that my depression and anxiety take over?
sure are.

i'm able to manage them now.  finally.
i'm learning how to change my pattern of thinking from self destructive to healthy.

i can honestly say that i am looking forward to this new year.  it is going to be drastically different.

now if only my liz lemon-like luck with the male gender would change... haha
i gotta have at least one disasterous yet humorous aspect to my life tho.... come on now...

can we just seriously end the body shaming trend?

i have a new food addiction.... trail mix.  the ones with the m&ms of course cos why the fuck else would you even EAT trail mix. 
grabbing a handful and pouring the contents of that handful (or two or three cos my hands are small) onto the kitchen table suddenly had me feeling guilty. 

"how much did i eat today?"
"what did i eat today?"
"should i really be eating this?"
"im eating way more than a serving size."
"wanna know why you have rolls and no one else does?  cos you eat too much."

mind you i was still trying to finish my egg sandwich from breakfast at work at like 1pm, but still.  no matter what i eat or how little i eat.... putting any food in front of my face always provokes that train of thought....

"why don't you exercise you lazy fatty?"
"people make fun of how huge i am.  i should probably not go outside."
"don't eat tomorrow.  you dont deserve it."
"you're gigantic."

forget putting on clothes and going in front of the mirror.  regardless of what the tag says i just see a chunk.  i am terrified of being naked or in a bathing suit most of the time because i am seriously so afraid of what i look like... i have no CLUE what i really look like.

and then... then i have women that to me, in my scope of vision and mental processing, are SO thin and beautiful and i would KILL BABY SEALS to look like them, purging, on diets, exercising more hours a day than they work, taking diet pills, abusing laxatives, starving themselves...
they think they look horrible.
they think they are fat.

then there are women that are naturally just thin.  would you believe that even THEIR body types are shamed as not being curvy enough or shapely enough???

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL????

this abstract view of "beautiful" and "perfect" forced at women is just so fucking unhealthy.  none of it even makes a damn ounce of sense.  so if youre thin without curves, you're not beautiful, but on the flip side if you have curves but arent fit, you're also not beautiful.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????

where do you draw the line and say enough is enough?  when do you just throw your hands up and say "i quit!"?  when do you just STOP??


i don't want to spend my life micromanaging my food intake.  i don't want to spend more time counting calories than making memories.  i don't want to feed my mind and soul negative thoughts.  i dont want to train my mind to think negatively toward myself.

i DO want to be kind and loving and generous and happy.  i DO want to spread joy and peace and smiles wherever i go.  i DO want to fill my soul with goodness and peace.  i DO want my mind to think clearly and positively.

it will never happen the more i subject my physical self to these outlandish ideals of beauty.  how much money women waste (AND EVEN MEN TOO) on trying to be beautiful and the perfect specimen to somehow snag an admirer.  somehow if our bodies are "perfect" and our hair is "perfect" and our clothes are "perfect" and flattering our "perfect" bodies ever so "perfectly," then we have arrived and made it and life can begin.

no.
no, it never will.

that focus will always be there... that focus on the outward.
so much time and energy spent on some ideal that means nothing.

i've been on the yo yo diets and had the eating disorders before.  i got myself down to my "goal weight" and looking back at photographs, i just looked sick and empty.

i have no clue what my body looks like now and i wish for a minute i could stop obsessing about it.
some days i don't care, but others... others when i eat food and my spirit feels happy, it's the one major part of my old negative self that loves to come shit all over my birthday cake and rain on my parade. 

im tired of eating soggy shit cake.
let's just ignore the outward and make our inner selves more radiant by the day.
let's stop seeing people for their asses and thighs and stomachs.
let's start seeing how beautiful someone is for who they are and how they treat others.

i'm just so sick of this body shaming shit.
i know so many "perfect" women that have the personality of a wet diaper or a moldy carrot.
i know many "larger" women that are so amazing and radiant and beautiful.

it's time to just focus on what matters... and it definitely isn't the number written on the tag of your jeans.

no more soggy shit cake parades.

can it please just be about something OTHER than sex???

literally i am getting so sick of meeting new people.... and by people i mean guys.... and by meeting i mean like wasting my time trying to get to know someone in an attempt to have a meaningful thing with another person....

is the world entirely sex crazed?  what happened to a guy being a gentleman and like honestly wanting to get to know a girl they asked out?  i mean seriously... do you know how many scarves i could have crocheted in the few hours i spent watching you get drunk, flatter yourself, and try to get down my pants?  i hate going to the gym and using energy i dont have with physical activities, so what makes you think i would like to waste any of my miniscule amount of energy slapping your hands away from my crotch or getting your hands off of the back of my head in an attempt to have me put your erect penis in my mouth?

seriously. 
it makes me feel small and worthless and ugly.
i dont feel proud looking at myself.
i mean, inside i know im worth more than this horrible treatment but it seems that this is what is desired and acceptable.

im smart.
i think im pretty ok looking most days.
im quirky.
i am pretty damn talented.
im a lot more kind and generous than i ought to be.
im interesting.
i care a lot more than i should for people.

i mean literally if you just want a mute female to suck your dick and get you off.... there's like dolls for that shit.  go get a fucking prostitute and pay her to shut up.

i can have sex with a rando.  i can get a fuck buddy im sure.
i dont want that.
i want someone to like and respect me for me.
i want someone who wants to actually get to know me and wont run away at the first sign of imperfection or flaw.
i want someone who isnt afraid of my bad days.
i want someone who will let me in on their bad days too.
i want someone to talk to.... to be a nerdy and dorky best friend with ...

the sex will come.... when it's meant to.
and it will be so much better because it wont be about a 5 star performance that makes all the porn youve ever watched pale in comparison.... it'll actually mean something.

so i beg of you male gender.... can it please just for once not be about sex and be about meaning?  for the love of GOD if anyone is out there that isnt just out for copious amounts of sex.... comment below because im losing hope that there is a solid and decent male left out there.

yeah this sort of shitty interaction with the male gender gives me time to focus on me and baking and my amazing lady friends but... sometimes i just selfishly want someone to care about and someone to care about me back.

a few little wishes

i wish i were beautiful.
some days i look in the mirror and just hate what stares back at me.
i can only see what ive heard....

fat
lazy
ugly
stupid
worthless
loser
boring
not quite this or that
weird
weak
chubby
uninteresting
unimpressive
tired
disgusting
not attractive
selfish
mean
bitchy
horrible
gigantic

this is just a small list.
there's days i wish i could see what some of the kinder people in my life tell me i am....

beautiful
talented
creative
a good mom
giving
loving
funny
smart
pretty
thoughtful
inspiring
strong
brave
more than enough



i wonder if i could actually see that im beautiful and believe it.... how my life would be different.
i wonder if i wasnt so focused on nit picking at my flaws, if i learned to love the skin and body i am in and love the person that i know i am, how drastically different things would be.

one day i want to wake up and not hate myself.
one day i want to be able to eat food and not be afraid of the fact that i may not have burned all of the calories i took in.
one day i want to know that i am kind and generous and loving.
one day i want to be so sure of these things that all of the negativity would fall to the wayside and i'd finally be free.
one day i want to believe in myself so much that i would never be back in this place....

this place where i hide from meeting new people because im afraid of what they think of me...
where i dont eat in front of people i dont know because im afraid of what they think of me...
where i dont tear apart my closet thinking i look like a balloon float in the macy's thanksgiving day parade....
where i can just love and accept me for me ....

one day ill be free of this....
i just wish that one day would hurry up.