4am rambles

im afraid of all of the things in front of me.
ill use busy as an excuse but really lazy is my source of reason.

and then it hits me and i wonder.
i wonder if i use the chaos and the madness....
i wonder if i make my own insanity and craziness....
i wonder if i thrive on the unstable yet predictable....
i wonder if i need that to function in order to avoid the unavoidable....
because if my eyes are too busy and my hands are too full, i can't really get to those things now can i?

when i slow down and have a moment where im not "doing" or "busy" or "needed" .... that's when i think best.
it's when i feel.
it's when reality creeps in with her sweet, gentle, brutally honest whispers.

the reality is im afraid.
im afraid to fail.
im afraid to cower.
im afraid to stand out.
im afraid to be hidden.
basically i am just so afraid to let down or be let down, to succeed or to fail, that i simply do nothing.

i do nothing until these moments hit where i am faced with a person i was afraid of talking to.  im  faced with a person i was intimidated by that is all too real and beautiful.  im faced with having to look someone in the eye and be sincere.  to answer questions about myself and also seek out who they are as well.

those are the moments are when i feel most alive.  those are the moments when i wonder what the hell im really hiding from.  from myself?  that's probably right.

i was bred in an environment of perfection.
perfect body, perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect grades, perfect house, perfect car, perfect family, perfect life plan, perfect motivation, perfect drive, perfect outcomes......
i was none of these things.
i still AM none of these things.
all the while i wonder why anyone even seeks to strive for these things.  they're temporal and bullshit.  they mean nothing about the core substance of a person.  these are not what make up people i want to be around.
but still, subconsciously unconscious i hold myself to these standards.  it's what i know but it's certainly not the life i want to live.

if i began to live my life in reality, the reality that no one gives a shit about the size of my pants or the color of my hair.... where people care more about who you are than what you are.... i wonder where i would be and who i would be.  i wonder what people would come back that have run from my insanity.  i wonder what possibilities and doors may open due to being optimistic and hopeful.

but for now i stare.... i stare deep into some pixilated screen hoping to find solace in yoga poses and facebook.  it's 4am and my life dictates work.  my life dictates 8 hours of solitude and facing the harsh thoughts that run amok in my delicate cerebral cortex. 

for now i stare deep into the bowels of the range of my emotions. 
i stare deep into the glaring eyes of what i want and realizing it could happen and it just may not. 
i stare deep into the reality that need and want are separate entities and not one decorative gift you get just for the hell of it.

for now i look past the realm of the have-not, past the ways i have fallen and failed, past all of my flabby spots and imperfections, past the good bit of crazy i dare not hide and almost arrogantly display for the world around me to just KNOW i dont have it all together and it is OK...... i look into the haves.... i look deep into the haves and the calms and the solid facts that i cant ignore.
they bring me back to reality and away from the deprecating and destructive thoughts my self can get carried away with. 

im tired.
i want to stop.
when i stop i feel bad.
i feel bad for all i should have and could have done.
im tired.
i want to stop.
i feel bad for all of the people i ignore and look past.
i am sad for all of the times i miss out on.
i am elated for the hugs to come.
im hopeful for the conversations and coffees and whiskeys that will ignite that spark again and that want to just keep knowing more. 

the ebb and flow of comings and goings... that's what really does me in.
but the universe..... this sometimes gentle and sometimes gusting breeze that takes me .... it knows..... it knows more than i do where and how i need to go.
and it's time again for change... it's time again to go...
like a twisting cyclone of destruction....
past all of the obvious evidence.....