days 3 and 4: 30 day challenge

day 3: im physically beautiful.  i have awesome colored eyes and freckles that make the hardest of hearts melt.  i have some pretty sweet tattoos.  i have a killer smile and my teeth are pretty ok for how much coffee i drink.  :)  normally this is where i'd point out what im NOT, but that defeats the purpose of this thing.  i dont need gobs of makeup to enhance my features.  in fact, i always get told how i DONT really need makeup which is fine with me because i'd rather sleep an extra hour anyway.  im curvy and apparently have a sweet ass.  im ok with these things and i accept them as true.  :)

day 4:  i have a great laugh.  i am TOTALLY OK with the fact that i snort.  i really don't care.  when i get excited i laugh and don't hold anything back.  i just let go and enjoy.  i chuckle, i giggle, i squeal, and i snort.  it's ok.  i love laughter and accept my laugh for what it is.... a part of me, which is great! 



this may sound completely narcissistic but i have always lived my life with such a self deprecating, self defeating attitude.  i never stop to consider what IS good about me, i always just see what im NOT.  so while this 30 day list of things about me i love sounds conceited, it is merely a tool to help me realize who i am and inspire confidence in my day to day living with love for myself by myself without needing anyone ELSE to confirm it.

you can learn a lot from a 2 year old...

hangin out with audrey is always a learning experience.  little did i know today would be so therapeutic.  i have a hard time just letting life be as it may.  i like to know what is going to happen so i can prepare myself for the outcome.  silly, i know, but there's my baggage.  today, audrey wanted me to push her in the swing while i blew bubbles.  let me tell you, blowing bubbles is the most freeing feeling in the world. maybe it's because youre taking deep breaths, or maybe it's because of something that i understood today.  audrey kept saying "bye bubbles" every time the bubbles would float away.  then something clicked.  i thought about everything in my life that has no answer, everything that is giving me a headache and a stomach knot.  (my house, my ex, school, certain people for example.)  so with each long breath and string of bubbles, i let go.  i let go of worry and uncertainty and i let go of just simply not being able to control or foresee the outcome.  i have to just let life be as it may.  it's like another lesson my jiu jitsu instructor taught me a few months ago.  a heart monitor shows the activity of the heart.  when it peaks both up and down, it shows the heart is active and alive.  when it's a flat line, the heart has no activity and the person is not alive.  in order to be alive, you have to take the ups and downs, good and bad with life.  so, no, i cant control things and no, i dont know what the future is going to hold in all of these areas of my life, but.... i'm not meant to.....
"bye bubbles."

leave it to me

i am very good at effing up good things.  i run my mouth, get panicky, become a hyper puppy and piss the floor.... not on the newspaper.

im impatiently waiting on an answer that will dictate a change of course....
i ran my mouth so much im pretty sure i know it will be bad but for once i would really like to have this be a positive outcome.  im trying to THINK positive regardless.

im impatient at best and usually like to pester the heck out of the situation that im waiting on which usually means prematurely calling it quits, but this time, im trying to just quietly, and patiently wait.  it's not easy.  not everyone reacts like i do.  not everyone processes like i do.


and so i wait.  but i probably made a mess again.

i forgot day 2.... 30 day challenge continued

so im gonna mash day 2 and day 3 together.

so for day 2.... i am witty.  i am a funny, sassy little miss and i'm totally fine with running my mouth.  :)

for day 3.... i am talented.  i write songs, i sing, i bake awesome things, and am creative.  im a jack (well, jill?) of all trades. 

change of pace... a 30 day challenge

no, im not going on a diet.  im not learning a new word every day or reading a new book a week.
im making it a point for 30 days to say something nice about myself.  i have a problem with really self-defeating, nagging thoughts.  what better way to squash the lies that be with some valid truths?

so day 1:
i am thoughtful.  it's cheesy at best, but it's a good place to start.  i like to give and make people feel special and important.  i am all about the small things and not many people are.  i take a look at audrey and how much i do for her not because i feel guilt or because i "have to" but because i just can't help it.  i want her to feel loved and special and important.  i like to do that for others.  i want to make sure other people are always feeling on top of the world.

so that's day 1.    i am thoughtful.

i feel pathetic

all these girly feelings are surfacing.  i mean, ive only been on my own for about 4 months now, but had been insanely detached from my ex for so many months prior.  now im at this point where i really do just want to be important to someone.  i want people to stop hurting me and treating me like a flushable wipe or something.  no im not like on a wild boyfriend goosechase, but .... i would just like to mean something to someone.  i wanna know that im being thought about.  i want to know that what's said to me is only said to me and no one else.  i want someone to be silly and cute on me.  i feel like im asking too much.  maybe one day.  :/

waves of uncertainty

i am in the weirdest place in my life that i think ive ever been.
some things are stellar, some things are awful, and some things are just..........good.
i have always been one who needs to know what's going on... i'm a planner.  i like knowing what is going to happen before it happens so i can brace myself for what is to come.  unfortunately, life does not work like that and it has my gut in a knot once again.  this time in a good way.  at least i think it's good? 
i hate being a girl.  i really do hate it.  i hate being vulnerable and open and exposed.  i hate not knowing and these immense feelings of inadequacy and confusion.  i wish i could be more trusting, but having been burned many times over, it's not very easy any more.  i would really just like to let things happen one day at a time, but i'm a worrier by nature.  i'm used to being ditched and used.  it's hard when you care about someone to trust their words when so many you've cared about before have stabbed you in the back with similar statements.  it's hard just to let things go and happen as they may.  i think i just need to keep remembering that i don't control the universe and the fate of my future is not necessarily "in my hands" as many movie slogans and sayings would like to make me believe.  i'm responsible for making good choices and my reaction to what happens in life.  i cant control other peoples' thoughts and feelings, nor can i change the course of where our lives take us.  im really lucky right now the way my life has been going.  my course has been steered in some amazing places and instead of panicking about what's next, i really wish i could enjoy the ride of what is and not push people away or try to pull people too close. 
for now, im working on being happy on my own, standing on my own two feet, knowing myself and liking myself, and maybe, just maybe learning to trust again.  i dont know why, like with weight loss, i expect dramatic and immediate results.  it is so so foolish of me to think that way.  instead of jumping headfirst into brick walls, how bout i just walk around....?