Sunday, September 4, 2011

liar liar pants on fire!

i don't know why i believe people.  the human race, particularly the male gender, is extremely untrustworthy.  i don't know why i get this urge to give someone the benefit of the doubt and then get nothing but the opposite of my expectations. 

i don't get the point in lying.  don't get me wrong... i've said my fair share of wrong things.... but when YOU are the one constantly accusing someone of lying and then yourself get caught in a lie.... something's just seriously wrong there.  that makes me start to doubt every last word said.  now what else are you lying about?  what else HAVE you lied about?

i must have the word "SUCKER" tattooed on my forehead because i keep getting the run around from every last person i meet. 

i have been so angry most of the day.  im pretty much a single parent even tho the baby's dad lives with us.  i work, will be havin some school work soon, take care of the baby, take care of the house, do all the cooking and laundry, take care of the bills and finances, and try to take care of me.  somehow a 40 hour a week desk job is far more taxing than  my life and he needs more breaks than me.  not to mention that my overnite weekend shifts leave me drained and tired since he'll watch her for about 5 hours so i can sleep before he teaches a class.  REALLY? 
when we go to friends' parties with her i end up having to watch her 90% of the time so he can socialize and drink.  REALLY?  i think i've honestly forgotten how to converse with adults except other moms (who i know are adults, but are very aware of the feelings i have.... well most....).

i cant tell you how enraged i was tonite when i found out i was lied to and said person was not in fact, lost as they claimed to be for 2 hours, but was out with friends still hanging out even tho he promised he was coming home so i could see him before i went to work.  lies.  LIES FROM THE WOLF!!

i dunno why it effected me so, but i became so mad i was shaking.  i realized i need a physical outlet so i think im going to try muay thai once a week and do bjj once a week.  i definitely need to take my rage out on some bags and thru choking people.

maybe its the lack of sleep that has me so wound up, but...i just cant take being lied to.  i cant take bearing the load i have and always being made to feel like im doing something wrong or just not doing enough.  i am so emotionally void and drained that i don't know how to give love or anything to anyone.  i feel like i am a shell of the person i once was with no hope of returning.  it's like im watching myself from outside my body do the things i do and say the things i say, and then, for certain parts in the day, i return to myself to cry and feel something, and then turn and run outside of myself again.

one day i would like to know what it is like to be genuinely loved, like the way that i love audrey.  she can push every last button on me, yet still.... i cant help want to hold her and kiss her fat cheeks and smile at her.  i cant help but stare in awe at her because i just LOVE her so deeply.  i can honestly say as much as every male i have been with SAYS they felt that way about me, it's pure bullshit.  even the nicest and most well meaning threw me aside for sports and alcohol.  one day i would like to know what it is like to be loved in that regard.  i want to know how to give love to someone else again too.

one day....