Thursday, September 12, 2013

wills and ways to cope

and just like that
it all comes back with a vengeance
and i only have 2 hands
and not enough will to fight.
but id like to find the strength
to slap your arrogant grin
your toothy display
id like to break with defeat

but just like that
my 2 hands busy themselves
trying to silence
the echo from the voices
and once it breaks
and the flow becomes steady
the world around
gets pindrop quiet

old demons die the hardest
and the slowest
and they keep coming back
coming back
dressed in a new style
pretending theyre the newest trend
newest trend
but they just want your head

Monday, September 9, 2013

truer words i have never spoken

ive come to the end.  finally, i have completed something.
it's strange to take a look back as the momentum slows and the world around me stops appearing as one solid blur and has definition and shape and beauty again.

im able now to stop my frantic pace for a short while, and reflect.
why most of my thinking occurs mid shower or while im shitting on the toilet, i dunno, but understand these thoughts were birthed in the bathroom..... there's the backstory.

so i was able to have some conversations with friends lately in real life and not via some form of social media or through a texting frenzy.
a few were suprised at where i am right now.

i had been forced into a very unwelcome and unwanted solitude after meeting new people and hoping to find some solid friendships after losing nearly everything due to splitting with J and embarking on the single mom/working/in school kind of life.  but school had to take precidence as did bubs.  so i was forced to hang out with ... myself.

oh my god you guys, seriously who would have found me enjoyable before?
good god.
i noticed how dismal i was.
everything had a saga and even the best days didnt hold the amount of joy i wanted.
i blamed others for not wanting to be around me when really, all i had to do was ask.
i assumed no one liked me because i had to ask others to be around me.

here is the reality of the situation....
i could never really just go and hang out, meet up with people at random, or have much time at all to see people.
everyone is on their own journey and in their own place right now and if our lives don't fit, they don't fit.
i can't force someone to want me to be a part of their life and their journey right now.  even if i was once and am not now.... that's not my place to decided.
my purpose in life is to support others.
my purpose is to encourage others.
my purpose is to admire others' growth while making my own.
and i didnt really realize HOW much you can grow if you take your eyes OFF of everything around you and REALLY look inward, shut the fuck up, and face all of your uglies and all of your demons and unpack all of the skeletons in your closets.

i did all this.
i focused a majority of my energy on me and have been making these necessary changes and i feel much more at peace.  i see people and old friends and new friends and just want to love them not because i want them to love me back.... but just because i see things in them that i admire and i value and see all this greatness in them.  im stepping out of my shy bubble that fears rejection and condemnation and unwelcome negative opinions.  im stepping out and saying hello because there is no reason to fear other people.  we are all on a journey and all have somewhere we want to be.  we all have our hangups and our fears and we are all more alike than i have ever understood.  im accepting compliments and really taking a minute to see WHAT THE FUCK i accomplished in the past 2 years.

no, i havent always been at my best.  no, i have not been very smart with time or money.  but in 2 years, i have been a really great mom.  i have the most amazing little lady that keeps surprising me with cuteness and love and empathy every day.  we have adventures and do dorky things together and she trusts and loves me and i love her to a point i didnt know i could love another human.  i finished school.  i havent done that since 2001 when i graduated high school.  i passed a board exam to be a certified medical assistant.  i passed a licensing exam to take x-rays.  i got a job at a specialty clinic.  i figured out what i want to do with my life and get into neuroscience.

i put myself out there and loved others and even fessed up to feelings.  i was loved back and i was rejected.  i learned that the greatest thing about loving people is that you just have to love them with an open hand.  no one is yours for keeps and sometimes you just really have to let them go even when it hurts with no hopes of their return.  ive learned to appreciate the time i get with others no matter how short or how much time goes by between seeing each other.

im just loving learning so much right now.  i feel awake again.  i feel alive because all of these stupid weights are falling off of my shoulders..... these weights i put on myself that didnt need to be there.  this breeze.... this gigantic universe that i thought i was embracing but really i was so not.... my eyes are continually being opened every day to what's real and i will never assume i know and understand.  i like where im at now.  my little self is finding her place for now... and soon it will be time to be picked up and moved somewhere else. 

so thanks for reading this mess.  im just really ecstatic to finally be done with one chapter and onto the next and 2 months of solitude has really changed me.  i am so grateful for this growth and can't wait to see what's next....