Tuesday, December 23, 2014

coming to some serious terms

the year's almost over.  i never thought id be MORE thankful for a year to end in my life.  seriously.
this year has brought more headaches and drama than i would like to admit dealing with.
this year has brought so many people in and out of my life you'd think i had a revolving door attached to me.
this year has brought so many challenges and hardships that i would love to say i faced head on, but alas, i can not.

i cracked.
i caved.
i failed.
i buckled.

you guys, i came to terms with some really important information:

i can NOT handle everything.
i need help sometimes.
i can only handle so much before it is just too much.
even machinery has weight limits... i don't know why i thought i could bear the weight of the world and then some on my very frail shoulders.

i would like to say that my cracking and caving did not amount to much damage, but it did.
i wanted to die.
i cut myself worse than i have ever in my 31 years of existing.
i hated myself in every aspect possible and isolated myself from a lot of people.

i made poor choices with my life and my health.
i can say i didnt put bubs first like i always strive to.

but im walking away at the end of this year an amazingly strong woman.
i've found my voice.
i've found an acceptance with myself that i never fully had before.
my head feels clear and focused.
i've cut dramatic and stupid people out of my life.
i've learned to make peace with a lot of situations and live in a mindset of peace and love.

do i have bad days?
sure do.
are there days that my depression and anxiety take over?
sure are.

i'm able to manage them now.  finally.
i'm learning how to change my pattern of thinking from self destructive to healthy.

i can honestly say that i am looking forward to this new year.  it is going to be drastically different.

now if only my liz lemon-like luck with the male gender would change... haha
i gotta have at least one disasterous yet humorous aspect to my life tho.... come on now...

Monday, December 8, 2014

can we just seriously end the body shaming trend?

i have a new food addiction.... trail mix.  the ones with the m&ms of course cos why the fuck else would you even EAT trail mix. 
grabbing a handful and pouring the contents of that handful (or two or three cos my hands are small) onto the kitchen table suddenly had me feeling guilty. 

"how much did i eat today?"
"what did i eat today?"
"should i really be eating this?"
"im eating way more than a serving size."
"wanna know why you have rolls and no one else does?  cos you eat too much."

mind you i was still trying to finish my egg sandwich from breakfast at work at like 1pm, but still.  no matter what i eat or how little i eat.... putting any food in front of my face always provokes that train of thought....

"why don't you exercise you lazy fatty?"
"people make fun of how huge i am.  i should probably not go outside."
"don't eat tomorrow.  you dont deserve it."
"you're gigantic."

forget putting on clothes and going in front of the mirror.  regardless of what the tag says i just see a chunk.  i am terrified of being naked or in a bathing suit most of the time because i am seriously so afraid of what i look like... i have no CLUE what i really look like.

and then... then i have women that to me, in my scope of vision and mental processing, are SO thin and beautiful and i would KILL BABY SEALS to look like them, purging, on diets, exercising more hours a day than they work, taking diet pills, abusing laxatives, starving themselves...
they think they look horrible.
they think they are fat.

then there are women that are naturally just thin.  would you believe that even THEIR body types are shamed as not being curvy enough or shapely enough???


this abstract view of "beautiful" and "perfect" forced at women is just so fucking unhealthy.  none of it even makes a damn ounce of sense.  so if youre thin without curves, you're not beautiful, but on the flip side if you have curves but arent fit, you're also not beautiful.


where do you draw the line and say enough is enough?  when do you just throw your hands up and say "i quit!"?  when do you just STOP??

i don't want to spend my life micromanaging my food intake.  i don't want to spend more time counting calories than making memories.  i don't want to feed my mind and soul negative thoughts.  i dont want to train my mind to think negatively toward myself.

i DO want to be kind and loving and generous and happy.  i DO want to spread joy and peace and smiles wherever i go.  i DO want to fill my soul with goodness and peace.  i DO want my mind to think clearly and positively.

it will never happen the more i subject my physical self to these outlandish ideals of beauty.  how much money women waste (AND EVEN MEN TOO) on trying to be beautiful and the perfect specimen to somehow snag an admirer.  somehow if our bodies are "perfect" and our hair is "perfect" and our clothes are "perfect" and flattering our "perfect" bodies ever so "perfectly," then we have arrived and made it and life can begin.

no, it never will.

that focus will always be there... that focus on the outward.
so much time and energy spent on some ideal that means nothing.

i've been on the yo yo diets and had the eating disorders before.  i got myself down to my "goal weight" and looking back at photographs, i just looked sick and empty.

i have no clue what my body looks like now and i wish for a minute i could stop obsessing about it.
some days i don't care, but others... others when i eat food and my spirit feels happy, it's the one major part of my old negative self that loves to come shit all over my birthday cake and rain on my parade. 

im tired of eating soggy shit cake.
let's just ignore the outward and make our inner selves more radiant by the day.
let's stop seeing people for their asses and thighs and stomachs.
let's start seeing how beautiful someone is for who they are and how they treat others.

i'm just so sick of this body shaming shit.
i know so many "perfect" women that have the personality of a wet diaper or a moldy carrot.
i know many "larger" women that are so amazing and radiant and beautiful.

it's time to just focus on what matters... and it definitely isn't the number written on the tag of your jeans.

no more soggy shit cake parades.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

can it please just be about something OTHER than sex???

literally i am getting so sick of meeting new people.... and by people i mean guys.... and by meeting i mean like wasting my time trying to get to know someone in an attempt to have a meaningful thing with another person....

is the world entirely sex crazed?  what happened to a guy being a gentleman and like honestly wanting to get to know a girl they asked out?  i mean seriously... do you know how many scarves i could have crocheted in the few hours i spent watching you get drunk, flatter yourself, and try to get down my pants?  i hate going to the gym and using energy i dont have with physical activities, so what makes you think i would like to waste any of my miniscule amount of energy slapping your hands away from my crotch or getting your hands off of the back of my head in an attempt to have me put your erect penis in my mouth?

it makes me feel small and worthless and ugly.
i dont feel proud looking at myself.
i mean, inside i know im worth more than this horrible treatment but it seems that this is what is desired and acceptable.

im smart.
i think im pretty ok looking most days.
im quirky.
i am pretty damn talented.
im a lot more kind and generous than i ought to be.
im interesting.
i care a lot more than i should for people.

i mean literally if you just want a mute female to suck your dick and get you off.... there's like dolls for that shit.  go get a fucking prostitute and pay her to shut up.

i can have sex with a rando.  i can get a fuck buddy im sure.
i dont want that.
i want someone to like and respect me for me.
i want someone who wants to actually get to know me and wont run away at the first sign of imperfection or flaw.
i want someone who isnt afraid of my bad days.
i want someone who will let me in on their bad days too.
i want someone to talk to.... to be a nerdy and dorky best friend with ...

the sex will come.... when it's meant to.
and it will be so much better because it wont be about a 5 star performance that makes all the porn youve ever watched pale in comparison.... it'll actually mean something.

so i beg of you male gender.... can it please just for once not be about sex and be about meaning?  for the love of GOD if anyone is out there that isnt just out for copious amounts of sex.... comment below because im losing hope that there is a solid and decent male left out there.

yeah this sort of shitty interaction with the male gender gives me time to focus on me and baking and my amazing lady friends but... sometimes i just selfishly want someone to care about and someone to care about me back.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

a few little wishes

i wish i were beautiful.
some days i look in the mirror and just hate what stares back at me.
i can only see what ive heard....

not quite this or that
not attractive

this is just a small list.
there's days i wish i could see what some of the kinder people in my life tell me i am....

a good mom
more than enough

i wonder if i could actually see that im beautiful and believe it.... how my life would be different.
i wonder if i wasnt so focused on nit picking at my flaws, if i learned to love the skin and body i am in and love the person that i know i am, how drastically different things would be.

one day i want to wake up and not hate myself.
one day i want to be able to eat food and not be afraid of the fact that i may not have burned all of the calories i took in.
one day i want to know that i am kind and generous and loving.
one day i want to be so sure of these things that all of the negativity would fall to the wayside and i'd finally be free.
one day i want to believe in myself so much that i would never be back in this place....

this place where i hide from meeting new people because im afraid of what they think of me...
where i dont eat in front of people i dont know because im afraid of what they think of me...
where i dont tear apart my closet thinking i look like a balloon float in the macy's thanksgiving day parade....
where i can just love and accept me for me ....

one day ill be free of this....
i just wish that one day would hurry up.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

little bit of self pity

there are these few small moments, when im home alone at nite, usually after some friend leaves, where i feel strangely sad and alone.  alone to the point where i want to lash out at people or just cry.  i say i like alone time.  i say i need it.  i say that i truly want it and dont mind it.
but i do.
i do mind it.
i dont always like it.
i dont like feeling like a pit-stop on someone's nite of fun.
i dont like feeling like an obligation to be kept.
i just want to know someone wants to be here and be weird with me.
maybe not rush me out or rush out to leave.

it's a pathetic little pity cry.
just had to let it out somewhere.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

bare bones

this may be as honest as i will ever be and i am not posting this all over the place just yet cos i don't really want certain people being able to read this since i know they just don't understand about mental illness.

i knew something was wrong from a very early age.  i was always nervous, anxious, and afraid.  i was afraid of being left.  at 3, my parents divorced in a very violent way that i happened to witness.  after that, my mom started seeing someone that truly was an amazing friend to have.  he taught me to read, we built pillow forts, made radio shows, went to the park...  he was perfect except for his closeted alcoholism.  being 4, i didn't know what a budweiser can looked like, but one day, i went into this drawer on a book shelf of mine and noticed it was full of crushed up beer cans.  i told my mom because i didn't know what these were.  that's when things got weird.  we had to change the locks.  my mom was always out on dates and my sister and i were left with babysitters that would put "all my children" and other various soap operas on for us.  i would vomit on the way to kindergarten every morning on this same tree by the playground.  i never felt safe.  my dad and grandmother were always telling me how horrible my mom was and in turn, my mom would always tell me how awful my dad was.  i felt alone.  we moved around a bit and i was always the fat new kid with no friends.  when i did get friends, they didn't like me enough i guess, and one day in my early pre-teen years, they ganged up, came to my house, barged in and just started telling me how fat i was and how horrible of a person i was.  so we moved again.  i got in fights with boys, fights with my new step dad, fist fights with my sister...

i never wanted to leave the house but i didnt want to stay there either.  i retreated into my mind and was at home with music and movies.  then my mom and her husband got super into jesus stuff and that was pretty much the life i was forced to lead. 

this is where shit is so ass backward.  here i was, a fat kid with like no friends except for some kids my mom dubbed "satanic" because they had different colored hair, were gay, and liked nirvana but accepted me for me and i was forced to follow this jesus lifestyle because i was depressed.... depressed to the point where i thought of death every night.  in fact, i would pray to this jesus to take my life every night at bedtime.  i would cry myself to sleep after taking a few tylenol pm just in hopes that i would slip away unnoticed.  it never worked.  i thought about cutting but i was too afraid of blood.  i made friends in church group so i decided to play the game and "live for christ" and all that jazz.  i never understood it.  i never "got" it.  i never felt this "all consuming love" of "father god" or anything like that.  i felt like the misunderstood fat kid that just wanted to go have fun with some friends and be weird. 

needless to say i ended up at a bible college, still as morbidly depressed as when i was 13.  i would spend hours in chat rooms on AOL when that was the new thing, talking to people that had no idea who i was or what i looked like simply because there, in this stupid and pathetic cyber world, there was no concept of being super mean and cruel.  i would sit in the playground on the back 40 acres at the college and take a key to the bookstore i worked at and scrape my skin til it was raw and i saw specks of blood.  i was always doing something wrong.  i was constantly "sinning" and i was miserable and not good enough for these christian people or god himself. 

after a long line of lonely nights in sadness, repeating the same behaviors and pleas for death while i tried to sleep off the melancholy feelings, something snapped..... i started drinking.  i was thinner, guys liked me and i could drink.  this only masked the issue for a short while and i found myself subletting an apartment from a friend while he was in japan, asleep in his bed with a knife and a bottle of rum.  i woke up the next morning and decided i needed to find some purpose or something.... not sure what i found except my ex... that was the most destructive 4 years of my life resulting in a beautiful child but a whole mess of feelings.

you see, i was always accused of cheating.... always.  he could flirt with girls right in front of me but if i let a guy buy me a drink at a bar because i looked sad or was having trouble getting the bartender's attention, i was immediately accused of attempting to fuck said stranger.  i was told how fat i was after i gave birth.  i was accused of cheating if i wanted to look pretty and dress nice. 

so after we split, i went back to what i knew.... drinking and sex.  a few drugs were mixed in this time.  it numbed me right up.... until i had to move to the burbs to get away from being broken into.  this is when my sadness peaked again.  i felt alone and sad and empty.  until i started drinking again of course.  i moved back to uptown, found people to drink with and go to shows with, and spent my time masking my pain with sex and booze.

it leads me to where i am now... years later i still am not sure if i am fat, thin, normal, or what have you.  i have no idea if i am cute or pretty or ugly.  i have no idea really what i like to do or where my personality goes sometimes.  i put myself in terrible relationships that are no good for me because im used to being used and only being talked to for sex and nothing more.  i cant drink anymore just cos it did me wrong a few times over the summer and im pretty over it.... i think everyone is only going to be around me for a short time and can't wait to escape and leave me.  it leads to horrible thinking patterns.  it causes me to behave in a way that is so irrational and leaves me scratching my own head wondering what in the fuckity fuck i am really doing....

and then there's my kiddo.  i dont want her growing up following my same path.  i want her to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is lovely and amazing and worth more than what anyone says to her... that she deserves more than some wishy washy, coward of a guy that is afraid of a committed relationship because he thinks she's a psycho like all of his ex's that just used him and cheated on him.  i want her to be sure and confident and aware and kind with no doubt in her words, actions, or steps.  i want for her all of the things i hope to find for myself.

last week i was in the pit of despair and actually took a dull steak knife and cut up the top of my forearm.  i did it repeatedly because i was not thinking rationally, not sleeping, had a change in my medication, had a seasonal change occurring, and just felt... out of control mentally.  needless to say, it scared someone away, drew a few friends closer, and set me on this path of really needing to get my shit sorted before it's too late. 

and let me specify here that i did not want to die... i felt like a balloon so full of air and pressure that i would pop unless some of the pressure was released.... 55 slashes later... im shaking my head at some itchy scabs and scar tissue...

so now i have therapy every week, i am trying to find a healthy balance with my meds, and i have to go to DBT once a week for 6-9 months.  DBT is dialectal behavioral therapy.  this is basically teaching me new coping and thinking skills for when my brain runs off on an irrational tangent.

i dont expect said person to speak to me again honestly.  im sure how i was speaking and acting was scary.  im grateful for the friends that stuck by me and loved me and encouraged me to get help.  i decided it was time to decorate and organize and downsize my little apartment and even begin a venture of selling my delicious cupcakes for some extra $$. 

every day is hard, but every day is a little easier than the last.  sometimes i wake up at night and just feel alone and rejected and sad.  but morning comes every day and i force myself out of bed.  im forcing myself to be productive with my time and explore hobbies and talents that i put on the backburner. 

so, im exposing all of myself, bare bones and all to you whoever it is that is reading this.  i will post updates here and there to let you know how DBT and therapy are going, how cupcake sales are going, and how healthy i am getting day by day.

in all of this i hope to be able to think more clearly and not assume someone is untrustworthy until they prove me wrong.
i hope to be able to find myself beautiful and not have that be determined by a pants size or a fat roll.
i hope to love myself in the same manner i love others.
i hope to speak kindly to myself in the same manner i speak to others.
i hope to be free and rid of this negative weight that has just been here for far too long.

it's been 5 days today since i last cut myself.  it's been 5 days today since i spent an entire day in bed, sad, and crying.  hooray for 5 days and onto many more.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

a little too late

it stinks that i always learn my lesson a little too late.
like right now... i dont know why i reacted and acted the way i did but self sabotage was sure the name of the game.... the game i fucking hate.  i hate the fucking game.
i found someone i could just be a dorky weirdo with and instead i got so hung up on a label and a definitive answer to the age old girly question that i ruined it.
i forgot that it's just about a hand to hold, someone to dance awkwardly in front of, someone to joke with, someone to share the same bad story with over and over and act like it's the first time it's ever been told.  i forgot that it's about just having weirdo adventures and smiles and hugs and late nite cuddles when you both wake up out of nowhere...
i hope i get to have that back....
i know i need to give space and time.
i know my brain on this logical course of thought needs more time... more time to make it stick.
i hope that with all this time he's still there.
cos i liked him.
it wasn't about the gooey, knee shaking feeling.
this time it was about the more important thing....
the smile.  the smile that radiates from your insides out.
i got too caught up in the bullshit and was swept out to the shitty sea.
and it stinks.
and it's dark.
it's lumpy and lonely and ... well, it's shitty.
i hope for once.... just for once that he meant what he said, that it IS just a step back for now... just some time to sort ourselves out and get to be stupid and hang out again.  cos he was fun to do that with.... i forgot that a little too soon.... and that sucks.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

note to self

it's going to be ok.
even when you think it isnt.
even when you have snot dripping from your nostrils.
even when you are hiccuping and gasping between sobs.
it's going to be ok.

it has been ok before in similar situations.
it will be ok after.

you cracked because you said you were tired of having to be strong and having to be tough.
girlie, that's just who you are.

look.  take a real, hard, good look around you.
no,  it isnt perfect.
no, it's no fucking disney movie.
it's life.
it's the life your decisions and choices have led you to up until now, some good, some bad.
but it is your life.

YOUR life.
you rely on no one far too often (which can be good and bad).
you are stubborn and make things work that probably shouldnt.
you are clever and giving.
you are a loving momma that anyone at first glance of you and your lil bubs can see.
and they see her and say "job well done" cos she isnt a snot nosed screaming brat throwing shit off the shelves at target.
she is polite.
she is kind.
she is friendly and giving and loving.

so lady, before you try to put on one more party hat for the pity party with no guests but yourself, take a long hard look at your life inventory.
take a long hard look at the struggles you have gone through.
remember the cold sting of being alone.
remember the outright insanity you've felt at being so out of control with your feelings.
remember banging on death's door pleading for an entry.
yeah you're not there anymore.
you're here.
you're alive in the now and you've made it.
you've made it this far.

it's been ok before even when you thought it wasnt.
you've swallowed your pride and gotten help before and nothing bad happened.
there was no public shaming of you in the stocks.
you've swallowed your pride and gotten help again.
remember the cold sting of being alone?
you're not there anymore.

everything is going to get better.
everything is going to be ok.
note to self.... reread this every once in a while. 
im sure it'll still hold true and save your sanity then too.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

momma guilt

"it's one of those perfect sundays that only has the possibility of becoming greater."

i just posted this bullshit line on facebook and had to tweet it as well.

"adversity brings about the sweetest changes."

i tweeted that bullshit line too.

actually no, that last one is not bullshit at all.  it's the truth im finding in these contemplative moments.  but this thinking almost always, without fail, pulls a 180 on me.  all of a sudden a pang of guilt shoots through my body, stabbing like a dull knife through my heart and slicing its way down through my stomach and out my colon, handle side first.

ok a bit graphic, but still.  i think about these moments of quiet i so long for during the week when i come home from work and i just want to put on these oversized fleece pajama pants, have a pizza, watch a movie, and fall asleep on the couch and the blue light of the computer screen.  i have it right now... that perfect peace from just a perfect moment of tranquility and light.  bubs isnt here.  there is my guilt.  i feel bad that sometimes i just want her not here so i can just have quiet.   does that make me a bad mom for just wanting some alone time?

now mind you, any other mother that says THE SAME EXACT THING TO ME.... i am all up in her business preaching from my plastic milk crate of a soapbox about how she's no good to anyone unless she gets time to be herself and know herself.... that she's entitled to hobbies and friends too... that you'll snap if you don't acknowledge that you need time .... that life deserves to be appreciated and enjoyed by ALL people... blah blah, blahdity blah...

so when will this resonate its truth with me?  when do i get to not have this nagging little monster on my shoulder calling me names for having fun with my friends and sleeping in past 730am?

im trying to use a moment like now, a day like today, to finally shove that little beast off and keep on smiling....

Sunday, October 12, 2014

the champion of oversharing

i've been told recently that i'm too vulnerable, too open, too exposed with my personal life.
i was told i shouldnt post it on the internet for all to read because it could become a weapon used against me.
i told them that i didn't care.

and i realized then that those were not defensive words.... i really don't care.
my life and my struggles are in fact open to the public regardless of how well i know someone, not as some pithy cry for attention and desire to bring the next lifetime original made for tv movie into real life.

i just figure that life hits people hard sometimes, some harder than others. 
i'm coming to find that i am a normal human being for my somewhat unpredictable thought patterns and emotional roller coaster rides.
the more i have opened up to people- strangers and friends via the interwebs or face to face conversations, the more i've been able to come to terms with my own struggles and situations.

yes, many could turn around and wound me with such private and personal knowings.  yes, many have turned and stabbed me in the back with things i've said in confidence or out in the open.
but do i take the backhanded slaps and wounds of the few and assume that all are this way?  no.  i look at the sea of faces around me, some just as crazy and anxious as i am feeling hopelessly alone and lost in what they are going through, and am reminded that sometimes all someone really wants to know is that they're not alone.

for the longest time, suicide was my "out" for the times i felt so alone.  i would cry myself into a frenzy and pull myself deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole of despair and get lost.  i saw no light at the end of the tunnel, heard no hopeful or familiar sounds... just despair and blackness and hopelessness.  on occasion a hand would break the darkness and pull me up and out.  i'd hear the song of kind words and realize that i was in fact, NOT alone.  it was moments like those that made me who i am today... a complete OVER share-er.  and i don't feel bad about it.

so take my rants for what you will.  take my oversharing or leave it.
i've come to terms with the fact that we're all a little fucked up, we're all a little scared, we're all a little unsure and walking timidly, we all have that feeling of anxiety and loneliness... some are just better at faking it than others and i for one SUCK at being a phony.  so here i am world in all of my oversharing... take me or leave me, but i still don't care either way.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

a little bit of peace

well, mostly a little bit of quiet.
you can't stop the cat from meowing for food in your ear until you actually get up and feed her.
so i did.
then my add self found the coffee pot askew and decided to brew some.
for the past half hour i have been sitting, enjoying the aroma and taste of this delectable brew, watching the sun peek its way through the clouds and over the horizon, creating a hazy luminous glow above the apartment buildings across the street.

im in love with moments like this.
moments where i can't hear anything but the wind in the trees, cars driving in the distance, birds chirping, and the morning just beginning.
moments where coffee tastes like salvation and warms my body and soul to the core.
moments where smells are more prominent than ever before and awaken my senses to the new day.
moments where my brain is off and im just living in the moment that is.

this must be what life is supposed to be like.
too often i am riding that rollercoaster of life, unable to get off.
too often i am running through the crowded streets trying to get from point A to points B, C, D, E, F, and so on.
moments like this i feel calm and awake even tho my body wants to be back in my bed and my eyes just want to rest some more.

i started a new anxiety med last nite. 
i probably wont even feel any effects for a few weeks.
im just hoping i can get some sleep.
im just hoping my life can come to some kind of slower pace and maybe shift my brain from overdrive to geriatric speed.
cos if life is supposed to be lived like how i feel right now.... able to breathe, not plagued with thoughts of things that are not right now....i would very much like to move here and live here always.

now to hope bubs doesnt wake up for a little bit so i can enjoy this a tiny bit more... there's my selfish mommy thought for the day.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

it's ok to cry

im never one to cry in public.
in fact, i was taught that it was weakness to cry.
i didn't grow up with that mentality.
HE taught me.
HE told me tears were manipulative.
HE told me it was passive aggressive.
HE told me it was a sign of weakness.

so i held it in.
i fought for my life to suppress every tear that wanted to fall.
i suffocated my sadness with a fake smile to everyone that came to congratulate us on the birth of our child.

and then one day, i gave in.
i couldn't fight anymore.
i cried and i cried and i cried.
i cried until my eyes were bled dry of every last drop of saline.

i was free.

i still to this day have a problem with crying. 
i try extremely hard to suppress my sadness and feelings.
i mask everything with a smile and snort.

but just now something clicked.
something just made sense for a tiny moment.

i was trying to take out my contacts and one was just STUCK.... and i mean STUUUUCKKK!!!
so i kept kind of pulling at it, and in doing so, i got something in my eye.
it burned.
it burned so bad and tears started to well up in my one eye.
and then i remembered from some sort of science class:
tears are your body's way of ridding foreign objects from your eyes.

all of those times ive felt like exploding with tears over a situation, it was just my body's way of ridding that horrible experience from it.  the foreign body of trauma and heartache and pain... my tears were just washing away those things that didnt belong; that would only bring me down and take me away from where my life is going.

so, moral of the story... it's ok to cry.  it's ok to just let disappointment and fear and grief go in the form of tears and it doesnt matter if it's in the privacy of your own room or in front of your coworkers and a pretty sassy doctor.  those are just painful experiences leaving my body and we ALL have those and go through moments of tears.  every eye cries out foreign particles of dust and debris.... every eye of every living creature... and likewise, we all feel pain and loss and sorrow sometimes and those tears are washing away the physical and emotional foreign bodies that just destroy our vision for a moment and really just don't belong there.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

the hole of depression and a new light

it's easy to say the past week i've been living in a fog of depression.  to say i've had some recent bad luck lately could largely be called the understatement of the year.  this bad luck shoved me further and further in this dark little room, isolating myself to this place of fear and solitude that i didn't miss. 

oh yes, that's right.  i'd been here before.  in fact, the pillowcases in this place are faded from stains of tears past.  the walls, lightly etched with indentations of angry fists.  i know where the pen and notebook still are though.  that is my only defense against the darkness.  over the years said pen and notebook have become an online blog of ups and downs that few read or speak of, but still... the power of getting my thoughts out of my head.... no matter how scary, dark, or demented they may seem to me.... those illuminate the room i am in enough to where i can find the exit and make a hasty escape.  these guards of darkness follow me though.  through every stage of life, there they are- cold, beady eyes... stiff, clenched jaw... the iciest of stares with the cruelest of intentions to each grab an arm of mine and drag me kicking and screaming back to this tiny prison.

so yeah i was hanging out in a dark hallway very near this room.  then something happened.  a helping hand or 8 came about.... kind words... encouraging hugs... a pizza party at 330am with a neighbor and funny movies....a plan.... love... support...

all of that rushing through my body like a shot of adrenaline giving me life and breath.  this morning, around 730 am, having barely slept more than a few hours before said pizza party, i went outside.  prepared for this new autumn morning chill, i was equipped for my quick stroll with 2 hoodies, some slippers, and fleece pj pants.  the cool, morning breeze hit my cheeks, rushed through my nostrils and began to fill my lungs while the hints of the not-so-early sun greeted me through some nearby trees.  this is what life was about.... this moment of feeling safe and secure in the wide open.

many dread the first autumn chills.  having to break out the hoodies, sweaters, and jackets after months of liberating freedom being able to bear almost everything to the summer sun.  i on the other hand love it.  it makes me feel cozy and warm.  i think of getting all bundled up in hoodies and scarves and mittens, feeling the wind trying to make me cringe with his chill, but these layers of fleece and cotton fabric, like armor, protect me.

so that's what this morning did.  it gave me that feeling of warmth and security.  it reminded me there is hope.  i have not been defeated yet.  i am creative under pressure.  these past years have only just begun scratching the surface of my resilience and character.  yes, i have had to borrow from friends and sell some things.  yes, i have fear and that fear has made me cry and cower and tremble.... but then i remember what i tell children at work that are screaming about a  shot, pleading and bartering with their parents, sometimes screaming at their parents... "it's ok to be afraid.  it's ok to even cry.  that is ok.  but it isn't ok to kick or hit.  we have to get this done.  im sure you want to go outside and do better things than sit cooped up in this room.  you have to trust me this will be quick.  stay loose like a noodle.  when you're all tensed up it really hurts."  (there's more and no these arent all at once... that's too long of a speech.... but we can end that here since im sure you get the point....)

i don't want to be in this room any longer... this room of darkness and despair where my eyes are completely bugging out of my head, tears running down my face and my limbs shaking like leaf in the breeze.  it is OK to be afraid .... stay loose like a noodle... this will be quick.... when you're all tensed up, it really hurts.... we have to get this done.... it's ok to even cry......"

so im still awake.  it's almost 830, my cat is giving me the ol wink n purr and my kettle is boiling away water for tea.  i am going to get things done today.  my house to many is far too clean to be one that has a kid in it.... but to me, i see signs of depression.  dirty dishes in the sink, moldy coffee water in my coffee pot, a dirty tub and toilet, clothes on the floor, papers all over a chair in a haphazard pile of avoidance...today i am setting myself free from this room .... free to embrace the change of seasons- whatever change it may be, and feel secure in my hoodies and scarf against the autumn  chill.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

the truth about being a loner

before social media existed, and every moment of everyone's lives were made public via instagram, twitter, facebook, vine, snapchat, and god only knows what other platforms of internet presence i am missing, i didn't really know i was a loner.  i just.... was quiet.

i liked to stay in and read or watch movies.  i had a few close friends and that was enough.  i wrote.  i listened to music.  i drew horrible pictures that i thought were good.  i made clothes.  i dyed my hair.  i took walks and found beauty in the small stuff like a train ride to visit a friend and the smell of the greek restaurants when i got off the platform.

then aol instant messenger started, msn messenger, yahoo messenger, friendster, myspace, hot or not, facebook, instagram, twitter, snapchat.... it became a numbers game.  it became more about how many likes a photo of yourself could get.  it became about how much you posted of this amazing life you led.  suddenly life was more about how it was perceived by others with just the right filter or capturing just the right group shot than actually living life with intangible memories based on sights and sounds and smells.

recently it clicked that im kind of a loner.
it used to bug me.
i used to feel like a freak.
why arent i a part of these amazing things i read about and see on the interwebs?
what's wrong with me that im home every saturday night watching movies and cleaning my apartment?

last nite it hit me....
i was halfway through season 3 of girls, post vacuum session cleaning up the mountain of cat hair buried in the carpet fibers when i realized.... i like my quiet life.
yes it is nice to see people and go to shows and meet friends for drinks, but....
after a long week of working and attempting this supermom status, sometimes i just want to have a no pants party, watch some season of a tv show, and just be in silence.  the only nuisance is picklecat rubbing her hairy body on my face repeatedly and standing in front of my laptop (like right now.... im typing this coughing on her fur that got somehow snorted up my nose).

i am "ON" so often that it is REALLY nice to be "OFF" for a night. 
so yes, in social media standards, im a loner, possibly a major loser and homebody and nobody....
but ....
i rather like it this way.

since spending time alone, i realized that i was trying to be out so much as a distraction.
a distraction against all of the self hate that was building up inside of me.
i spent time with others because i didnt WANT to spend any time with myself. 
but now...
now i like myself.
i like my quirks and the odd shit that spews out of my mouth and brain.
i like the creativity that comes from my brain and hands in the kitchen.
i like my body again just the way it is.
i like my thoughts and my opinions.
i like my silence.
im more comfortable with others' silence now too.
im learning to listen more when others speak.
im learning to see more clearly and live more freely.

all from being alone.

so in conclusion dear reader, whoever you may or may not be....
the truth about being a loner is that it definitely has its perks.
those perks may not be visible in a self absorbed culture where every moment has to be digitally documented and commented on; where value is placed on quantity and not quality; to be able to see past the numbers game.... the amount of "friends" and "followers" and "likes" and "comments" is just that... a numbers game.  the moments where you're with your best friend shoving nachos in your face, laughing at a dorky moment, being real and open and honest.... the moments no one else can see or know about.... to a loner, those are the memories to take to the grave.  those are the moments worth being alive for.

so while i may not be the subject of anyone else's social media highlights... i like my life.  i like my little moments.  i like my quiet and my solitude.  and for the first time in possibly forever, i like me.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

all for thinking a positive thought

that's what i get for thinking...
that's what i get for thinking anything positive at all...

i cant sleep.
up every two hours checking my phone to see if you in fact have blown me off or if you finally had something to say...
an 'im sorry....'
a 'hello...'
something more than silence...

im good at receiving the silent treatment...
so much so to the point where i can smell it coming from a mile away.
like a bloodhound i can sense it coming.

it's like an animal smelling fear...
i smell it coming.
only this time i ignored it...
i thought maybe i had seasonal allergies or something stuck in my nose...

the truth hurts sometimes.
the truth can hurt a lot of the time.
it hurts now.

i hope you'll wake up and tell me it was all a mistake...
a dead phone...
a long day...
a bout of anti-social behavior...

but i know better than to expect anything positive.
it's pessimistic to say, but i know better.

maybe it's my knowledge that keeps leading me to these potentially disastrous outcomes or maybe it is just the path that i am currently on.
maybe the fact that i predict what i know leaves the future to be inevitably bleak or maybe that is just the life i get to live... one catastrophic outcome after the next.

all i can say is that if you know heartache and heartbreak, sadness and sorrow, disappointment and rejection and regret... i'm your woman.  i have stories for days, feelings for years, and frown lines to put any geriatric woman to shame. 

Friday, August 8, 2014

the perpetual pessimist

3 mugs of coffee and one bowl of oatmeal later, i am laying in bed.  picklecat, knowing my fears and hesitancies, is rubbing her face against mine, staring at me and nudging my arms with her head.  she knows.

today is *hopefully* the last child support hearing i will have to deal with.  it is to recalculate the current amount based on our new pays, our current parenting schedule, and i am trying to get the near $200 owed in back support. 

getting myself ready to go always feels like before jiu jitsu or judo tournaments.  i feel like i have to center myself, get my mind clear, my emotions out of my thoughts and words, and just remain calm.  anger only led to getting myself in a bad position.  frustration led to a mistake and i would lose.  i remember the first court case.... his overly arrogant attorney sat there with her horribly done up hair, her done up nails, and her gigantic coach bag glaring at me, judging me with every stare from the corner of her eye.  she sat seated on the bench with my ex and his aunt (who said she was there to support us both, but having paid for his attorney and spending most of those 3 hours ignoring me, i can assume that was not correct).  not in front of any legal personnel began asking me questions, attacking my lifestyle and character, implying that i was lazy and trying to leech off of her client.  if anyone at ALL knows me, they know i try to scrimp my pennies together to give bubs the best and i work my ASS off around everyone else's schedule, picking up weekend shifts when i dont even HAVE to work, just to make extra money.  i won that day.  i did not bend or break or cave.  i was calm, stood my ground, and smiled at her smugness whenever i caught her glaring at me.  i also called my dad in between mediator sessions and asked him what to do all the while pretending i was conversing with my day care provider.

the second round was simple.  she tried to alter our schedule making it look as if i didnt have audrey as much as i said i did.  i hung over her shoulder and put my finger on her paper pointing out where she was wrong. 

today, i have that same nervous energy radiating through my body.  i want this to go fairly and smoothly and quickly, but i have a feeling it wont.  i have a feeling since this is her last shot at redemption she will come out, guns blazing, accusations firing, all to save face.  i dont submit easily. 

even in jiu jitsu sparring matches, i would wait til my elbow was about to snap or i was about to pass out from lack of oxygen before i'd tap and surrender.  in this case, i know i am in the right.  i know that i work really hard and am just trying to make sure audrey's needs are met fairly.  i know that i have supported her far too much on my own.  i have spent all of the money i had and had to borrow trying to keep us from being late on rent and losing our car and having food to eat.  i know that i am the one that takes her to her doctor's appointments and is looking for potential schools for her to attend.  i know that i spend time with her drawing and coloring and playing.  i know what i sacrifice for her and i am prepared to defend my honor to the death.

so, smug, arrogant, obese lawyer lady with your coach purse and your horribly applied make up.... you who have NO CLUE what it means to struggle and be a single parent working and attempting to pay student loans from having had to go to school WHILE being a single parent to get a better job to support yourself and your child.... shut up.  keep your sideways glances of judgement and trickery to yourself.  i will continue to sideways smile at your attempts to intimidate me.  i will continue to chuckle in your face knowing that you know nothing.  you have no evidence or proof.  i am not who you think i am, nor will i cave to your scare tactics.  you dear lady have lost before and will be on the losing end today.  have fun going back to your prestigious law office with that hanging over your head.  you were shut down and shut up by a 5'2" quirky ball of spunk with tattoos and a will that can not be broken or shattered by legal jargon and false accusations. 

i remember in a judo tournament once... it was for state... i was going up against a junior olympian.  the ref signaled for the match to begin.  she charged at me with her arms open and some roar of a battlecry.  i was startled but tripped her and she fell on her back signaling the ippon and my win.  i dont give a shit about titles and names and positions. 

my name is kelly and it literally means bold warrior.  days like today im thankful for a name that speaks such truth and courage into my spirit.  so hopefully today i can shatter the worry of defeat and know that i can not be destroyed by the arrogant and smug.  truth shall prevail and i shall be declared the winner yet again..... or i can just cut myself shaving, not notice and shove a bunch of blood in his lawyer's face again to gross her out?

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

a moment of absolute vulnerability and weakness

i may be saying just a bit too much here.
i may be typing words that will come back to bite me in the ass.
i may worry some of you and im sorry.
you dont need to worry though.... that i can promise with all sincerity.

a few weeks ago, i sat at this very table in the seat across from me.  i was waiting for cookies to come out of the oven.  i was in a situation that made me feel small, degraded, worthless, and well.... stupid.  i cried.  i cried for so many hours, my eyes were swollen and sore and i could barely see, let alone think straight.  i wanted to end my life that night.  it has been a very long time since i have felt low enough to contemplate suicide again, but with one final push from a very rude person, the idea crossed my mind to the point where i had to reach out to a friend for help.  he raced over, hugged me so long i began to cry some more.  he told me how shitty i looked and bummed me a cigarette.  i promised him i would seek more help.

the next day i talked to my psychiatrist who upped my meds (which has helped a little) and with his recommendation, i promised i would begin going to therapy again.  i need SOMEONE to talk to and be real with....

so until that appointment.... hello interwebs.  meet the real me.

i am so flipping tired.  i know i know.  everyone is tired all of the time always.  i mean i am seriously and ridiculously TIRED!  im tired of everything being my responsibility and fault even if other people could potentially have been held accountable or have helped.  im tired of having to be on top of everything without the wiggle room to be a human and ... gasp... make a mistake.  im tired of having to be "ON" non stop and be like a god damn circus clown, entertaining everyone with jokes and stories and dance numbers.  i feel vacant and void like i dont even know who i am anymore.  i dont know if i have a hobby because i dont really get time for one.  if i get to see my friends (whoever is left of them anyway), im not even sure what to talk about.  my job makes me frustrated and angry.  im exhausted at the end of the day from trying to be super mom for bubs and super employee at work and super me for me.  i continuously come last to the point where i need a serious break.  i don't get to be weak and vulnerable and exposed.  those are moments of attack from everyone around me.  a moment to gloat in my failures and mistakes.  a moment to feel better about themselves because i cracked under pressure.

it's hard to be able to take care of myself because i have no energy.  i am literally non stop for over 18 hours a day and i am tired.  i feel bad if im not around bubs cos then i feel like a bad mom.  i feel lazy if i skip work to take time off.  i run on coffee and cigarettes and maybe a red bull here and there.  i miss making music but am so void of any emotion other than tired that im not even sure where to begin.

since bubs was around 18 months or so, i have been in school, working, and splitting parenting time with her dad.  i never get a babysitter to go out.  i worked weekend overnight shifts through school.  2 years later, i had a 40 hour per week externship along with working weekend overnights, i passed a certification exam for medical assisting and part of my xray license exam (enough to xray extremities), and moved twice along with getting a job and then a different job so i could work with kids.  im just constantly going going going to the point where i am running so much on fumes that im not sure how much longer this charade can last.

world, i am weak.
i can not handle everything.
i am not super mom.
im not super anything.
im just someone that needs a break in the form of some spare money to get  caught up on bills, a few good nights rest, and maybe... just MAAAAYBE a haircut.

i always hope that one day good karma will come my way but instead of the shiny life preserver, i am drowning.... slowly sinking and under the weight of it all.

help.  i need something to remind me im alive and real and a person.
if it doesnt come soon im afraid for the shell of a person i will become.

this moment of absolute vulnerability and weakness was brought to you by me.
please judge responsibly.

Monday, July 21, 2014

external chaos

"give it a few days and everything'll be better..."
but the moments passing til that day send me running for cover
explosive battlegrounds on all sides
testing luck and chance trying to survive
I put my head down absorbing the words that judge and criticize
head down so far I can't see the nearing finish line
just trying to make the best of what is
until the best becomes a real point in time
raising tiny, shaking hands to begin that upward climb
and it's a long one
these couple of days have been all clouds and no sun
drained from knowing it's far from being done
but onward.... onward's my only choice
to weather the storm with lifted fists
keep on pulling myself up with shaky grips
give it a few days they say....
smile through the fear they say
it'll all be okay they say
well I hope they are elite psychics
I hope they know some Jedi mind tricks
because despair is a comfortable place to begin to rest
to take a break from this failing conquest
to try to make better of the worst
and find this hidden best

i wrote this lil bit of nonsense on my fb page today after a complete adult shit storm hit the fan and sprayed every area of my waking life.

i know that sounds completely overdramatic and it would be easy to be like, "hey, kelly.... really.... shut up and realize how good you have it."  
honestly i know by the end of the week, the dust will settle and some things will be ok.  honestly i know that and that's all that kept me from having a serious mental breakdown.  that doesn't stop the worrisome thoughts and increasing anxiety as minutes pass into hours with no resolution to the problem still at hand.

just as i begin to conjure a belief of good things for my life, reality sets in, the dark cloud blankets the display of light and smiles and there i am.... surrounded, trapped, and smothered by the dark despair of a life shit storm.

im trying to hold hope and hold on and just keep going.  im trying to forget the have nots and isnts and things resembling a negative stature.  sometimes it's just so easy though.... so easy to curl up in a ball of sadness and forget everything around you- even forget that life happens and people are busy and you with your misery are not the center of anyone's world.

within this external chaos.... im trying to find the strength to crawl one extra inch so as not to be covered in the smallest amount by dark despair.... im running out of energy though....

Friday, July 18, 2014

a change of status

i could look at this change of status and partly feel bad.
partly feel bad that you finally got the message.
partly feel bad because you are no longer speaking to me, not even a blip on the radar of friend.
partly feel bad because your friend is now texting me daily to see if i think he is too weird to ever hang out with.
partly feel bad because i don't feel all that bad.

i am so sick of accepting blame and feeling sad and sorry.
i am so sick of devouring your affection, love, and kindness for mere days before things are official (again) and you slowly become this self absorbed lump of excuses and coldness.
i am so sick of accepting that as my emotional fate.

a short while ago, i realized i deserved better.
i realized that i am not like some women who want it all.... looks, money, fancy things, dates, presents, 24/7 love and attention.
i am stubborn, self-reliant, busy, and kind of a tomboy.
i realized that what i want is fathomable, legitimate, and healthy.
i realized that i will not settle for less than what i deserve.

what i deserve is this:
someone that doesn't forget when we have plans
someone that doesnt spend hours on their phone on various apps and cant reply to a single text - especially the cute ones telling you something sweet and sincere
someone that CAN tell me something sweet and sincere
someone that can SHOW me they love me and i matter, not with grand, expensive gestures, but simply by being thoughtful and real.... because thought requires no effort or strain.... it's just a reaction
someone that wants to be around me
someone that wants to get to know me
someone that wants me to get to know them
someone with interests and hobbies and a life of their own but also that wants to make time to see me and makes that time a priority
someone that can give me space
someone that can trust me when im not around and not inquire as to every text message or phone notification from various social media apps
someone that will encourage me and inspire me to do music not for any other reason than to see me smile
someone that reminds me im beautiful not because of looks but because of who i am
someone that lets me be who i am
someone with a sense of adventure
someone who can man up, plan a date, and not leave everything up to me
someone who is romantic and can treat me like a lady but also let me play in the mud and climb trees

someone like this does exist.
im in no hurry to find him.
but im in no mood to settle until i do.

so while you may not speak to me anymore right now because you finally got the 14th message of how we are no longer together and i can not at all be your girlfriend because of how up and down you are and how i do not appreciate being called bi polar for having said these things.... i will always miss you and the short time you were someone i thought i could be with before the mask came off and i saw your true self.  youre angry and stubborn and distant.  you're vacant and selfish and the ultimate king of excuses.  

so with the final change of status... i continue on as i did before and you the same.  and should i see you again, i hope there can be a kind hug and heartfelt hello.  maybe this change in status to the point where we are no longer speaking is for the best....

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

over the hill officially

i turn thirty-freaking- ONE on thursday.
holy shit.

young kelly never thought she'd make it to this age.
in fact, young kelly aspired to be a famous musician in some ska band by now.
sorry young kelly.... that kinda ska is pretty dead.

i never thought i'd be where i am.
in a one bedroom apartment, uptown, with bubs and a cat named after my all time favorite food... pickle.

every year that goes by though, i look back at my former self and am ashamed.  i feel like i owe so many apologies and reparations for the things i have done, felt, and said... for the ways i have lashed out and responded so childishly and immaturely.

i suppose that's life though; the perks of growing up and older....

that term... over the hill....
im sure someone thought by a certain age that all acts of childishness and immature rationalizations would be gone by then.... that one has surpassed some figurative hill and is finally on the other side where bad decisions and poor choices don't occur.

i don't think that way.
not that im aiming for failure, but im aware that i will always make a mistake, be in the wrong in some situation, and not act at my best at some point.
but 31...

i have to say that i am grateful to have come this far.
in the past year i have grown a figurative pair.
i stand up for myself  now.
i may not ever have the highest self esteem, but god damn it, now i know that i'm worth more than how i've been treated and refuse to let people step on me as if i were small and miniscule.
i dont give a rat's ass or two fine gold shits about ever having a boyfriend or being in "love" whatever the fuck that actually means.
i love my growth.
i love my friends and the family i have made in recent years that are teaching me to stop being so fucking uptight, to let go, face fears and logical thinking and be free to enjoy and experience life.
i believe in myself now.
i find myself growing at work and facing things with a different persona than i normally would have.
somedays im better than others.....

so here i am, facing a day where i will be one year older....
im grateful that i get to spend it with people that bring smiles to my soul and that are choosing to spend time with me.  i love their lives for enriching mine so much.  i love them for challenging me and teaching me and helping shape and change me. 

im excited for this new year... maybe not the actual number i have to verbalize when asked how old i am, but still.... it's a whole new adventure.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

a brief moment

where i reflect upon the fact that i was merely a warm body to release you from your downward spiral.
where i think upon the instances that occurred over and over again.
i am your afterthought.
i am the last thought on your mind in the morning, throughout the day, and before you go to sleep at night.
but you said so much more.
you said three words that mean a lot to someone like me.
you told me over and over again that i was wrong and speaking with an accusing tone.
there are no accusations in truth.
actions speak truth and need not a single breath or stumbling syllable.
you ignored me.
you ditched me.
you refused to spare a second of time for me.
you forgot about me.
you stared at every screen to avoid my face and physical touch.
when you wanted something though...
affection, affirmation, a warm body, encouragement, sympathy, a ride, a beer, or food.... there i was.
you never cared.
you said all of the right words and here i am, round 3, balled up fists stuffed in my eye sockets, trying to stifle the sounds of my sobbing so as to not wake the sleeping child in the next room.
i hurt.
i hurt and i cry not because you were amazing and things went south....
i hurt and i cry out of my own stupidity.
i believed you.
i trusted you.
i shared things with you i didnt share with anyone in a long time.
i let you in to parts of my life that no one has seen before.
you proved to only be selfish and conceited and arrogant.
instead of hearing my pleas for change, you accused me of accusing you.
instead of evaluating yourself and your own behavior, you lashed out in the most unkind tones.
you took to ignoring me when i reached out to you.

so i guess... in this brief moment i reflect on my stupidity.
in this brief moment i sink a little deeper into my tear and snot soaked comforter to find a small amount of comfort.
i doubt you will ever think you were in the wrong.
but your mother who has never even met me was right...
you dont deserve me.
you pushed me away and you lost me.

i waited 6 years for another of your kind to come forward on his promises and be the man he promised he'd be.
he never did.
i learned that lesson the hard way.
so now, round three, fists down... i give up.
you win.
enjoy your beautiful reflection, the sound of your own voice, the warmth of your own self, and the benefits of being alone.
maybe if you dare to date again, try to remember the things i told you so much that they began to seem dream-like in its repetitive nature:
"girls like to be made to feel thought of and important.
we like to be asked on dates where someone just plans something no matter how simple.
we like surprises no matter how small or cheesy.
letting someone know you care about them and are thinking about them doesnt take much time or any money.
it's ok to let your guard down and be gushy and dorky. 
dont watch us cry and yell at us.  it's kinda mean.
don't ditch us to get drunk with your friends.
don't forget about plans you make with us no matter how short the time is that we were going to hang out.
listen to us when we have things to say, especially if we keep repeating that we feel hurt and irrelevant to you."

so, i guess my brief moment has passed.... i've cried out my stupidity.  i've cried out my sadness.
tomorrow is a fresh start with you and all of this in my past.

Monday, June 16, 2014

the older i get, the harder i fall

i swear to it... i'm a sucker.
im so easily duped sometimes it's ridiculous.

i think about all of the fads that flash before me to get thin quick or have a healthier lifestyle or have daily happiness or a successful relationship.

i buy into all of it.

worst of all, im too trusting.
the older i get, the harder i fall.

why is that so, you might find yourself asking?

because i've given up.
ive given up believing that what i want is tangible and real.
i am blindsided by really elaborate promises and words and when all the words prove to be are brittle bits of dust to choke on, it's too late, im in too deep, and there i fall.

all i want is someone who wants to spend time with me; someone who is proud to be with me and can't get enough of me.  someone that knows how to be thoughtful and cute and sweet and realizes that showing someone you care or taking a girl on a date doesn't have to cost a dime.... that it doesn't even require any effort.... just thought if the person really means anything at all.

and i never do.
im a warm body so they don't feel lonely.
im a chaueffer.
im the glutton that eats the lines and lies.
im the one that puts in attention and thought and instigates conversations and love.
im always left hanging, dry, and empty.

no more.
i would rather be alone the rest of my life than deal with one more immature, selfish, little boy that does not know how to properly treat a lady.
im all for being gushy and cute on someone and have to say i am a thoughtful girlfriend, but when no effort is put my way in return and it's all "i was gonna do this" or "one day we should do that" and never any concrete, visible signs.... im done.
like i said, it's far too easy to pick someone a flower to show you care or write them a note or surprise them with a visit or take them for a hike or make them dinner or give them a back rub after a long day...

i deserve to matter to someone and until someone proves to me i can matter to them without lying to me and cheating on me or feeding me empty promises of coulds and woulds and shoulds.... when someone effortlessly loves me and doesn't let me doubt it for a second... i will not settle or put up with anything less.

maybe i sound bitchy or pretentious or needy or greedy.... im tired of being the one to upkeep a relationship all on my own.  im tired of being neglected and forgotten....i deserve to feel loved and valued too.

it seems to get worse as i find men my own age, but.... maybe somewhere out there someone is a kind and gentle soul.  maybe somewhere out there my dorky robot boy has my birthday balloon for me and a dorky mix cd.  maybe one day he'll hold my hand and kiss my cheek and sit with me in blissful silence smiling because that is what makes sense.

maybe one day.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

stop and read the signs

i had to watch an xray positioning video (ok more like 5 or 6 mini ones for a whole hours) and i was bored out of my skull.  i was at one of the doctor's desks and started noticing the amazing pictures he had from the 70s where his mustache was absolutely fantastic, his beautiful and large family, and all of the really inspiring quotes on his wall.  they were all about giving and being selfless and humble.  this one stuck out to me so hard and i can only hope to strive to put this into greater practice every day. 

so im sorry to be cheesy with a post about an inspirational quote, but i notice (myself included in this lump sum of persons) that there is SO much complaining going on around me about what isnt, and how things arent fair, and the have nots.... this stuck out to me and i thought id share cos i know i could sure use this reminder too....

"promise yourself::
to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. to talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person that you meet. to make all your friends feel that there is something in them. to look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. to think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best. to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are for your own. to forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. to wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile. to give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
- dr. lindsey dewey pankey"

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

fists up and ready to swing

actually no, not really at all....
im feeling quite passive today.
it's warm and dreary and raining.
i barely slept due to nerves and anxiety.

today is round 2 of 3 or potentially the last day of court with my ex and his lawyer to sort out child support and custody.
i never wanted it or expected it to get so ugly but it did.

i digress...
i don't want to get started on THAT tangent.

today i can only speak of myself.
i have no energy left.
i've stated my case so many times via email to my ex, via phone calls and written correspondence to county workers, and raised my voice to an attorney and a district attorney a few weeks ago when i was alone, representing myself and having to be strong.

im not sure i have much strength left.
im tired.
im tired of fighting for what i know is right and just.
i feel sick to my stomach reading that last sentence but it's true.
i feel like i can't win.
like david vs goliath....
here i am, a small and meager thing with a slingshot and a rock and there is this huge beast in front of me ready to tear me apart.

and what's really odd is that it isnt my ex who is the beast...
it's his new gf.
it's his attorney.
it's all of the people filling his head with ideas of what is right and just and how i am an awful human to ask him to assist financially in the upbringing of our child.
it's those people calling me lazy and a thief, telling him i am ripping him off by asking for financial support.
and of course he believes anything that assists in bettering his own position and leaves him comfortable because that's how he works but...
he's never been THIS much of a jerk and even when before the judge and his attorney, the aggressive words and monsterous behavior.... it wasn't from him.
it isnt him.

i just want this to be over.
im tired of fighting.
especially today...
today i have no energy or words left.
ive stated my case so many times i don't even believe it anymore.
i can only say that i am a tired single mom.
im tired and work a lot or have bubs for a full day and then go to work....
when i catch a break, it's after a 5-6 hour shift and i only have to be up again the next morning to work some more.... and it just isn't enough to make ends meet cos i just can't do this on my own.

so today, today i hope this is the last day but it may just be round 2 of 3.... today i just want it to be over but it may not be.  today i am asking the universe for strength and grace because i fear that i have none of the above....

i want to go out with my hands down, not raised.
i want this to be peaceful and not bitter.
but i know my inner resiliency will not cave to bullying tactics.  it did not work the first time and as weak as i feel today, it will not work again.

so as you start your day, if youre reading this in passing...
send a good thought my way.
i just want this whole battle to be over and for it to end peacefully and fairly.
i want to display class and grace while trying to once again state my case how i just need bubba's dad to help financially with her needs and cares.
i want to prove to an attorney that it doesn't matter how vicious you get, the truth will always surpass lies and trickery and elaborate phrases.

off to make myself look court appropriate....

Thursday, May 22, 2014

the past, revisited

sometimes i like looking back.
actually no, that's a lie.
i used to not like looking back.
i didnt know how to just FUCKING LET GO.
i would hold onto those feelings, those memories, those painful stabs in the heart and gut...
and seeing faces, hearing songs, reading words, going places.... they would just eat me alive.
i would sink into deep despair and feel sad and hurt and.... take 500 giant steps back from where i was right in that second which more than likely was a better place than when i was in that past moment.

now... now i can say that life is exceptionally better.
im taking responsibility for myself, my actions, my words, my choices, and my life.
trimming the fat and the drama from my life in the form of just accepting what is and who is there and letting go of the fact that some people really just do not have time to be around me, do not like me, and just simply choose to not be around me.  letting go of the fact that i cant be everywhere and enjoy all of the fun things people brag about doing.

this is my life and i make it what i want to make it.
if i want fun and smiles and good times, instead of being a sulky sally about what isnt, i can go ahead and make it what i want.
i can be around people that bring me joy and that i bring joy... people that want to be in my life and that i want there.
i can go places and do things within the confines of my current allotment and live in those moments with joy and smiles instead of bitterness and with my mind in the regret of what isnt.

i finally feel closer to being the free that i know im meant to be.

i think moving away from the burbs and into my cozy little apartment in a city that reminds me of long island with shops in mere walking distance, playgrounds down the street, people riding bikes, and neighbors smiling and saying hello.... it's refreshing and inspiring.
i think taking control of the things in my life that were out of control... responsibility for the clean up of the catastrophic wreckage that was left from a tornado of events over the past 3-10 years.... it is finally setting the wheels in motion without blockage from debris and i can keep moving forward.
the loose ends are being tied and i am no longer tripping on open shoelaces every few steps.  maybe now it's every few yards and maybe soon i can run without tripping at all.

i am far from perfect and far from where i want to be, but...
living in the now....
living with open hands and just accepting what is...
taking the punches...
but getting up again....
falling down....
but getting up, brushing off my dusty knees, putting bandaids on open wounds....
smiling after shedding a few tantrumy tears....
that is key.
stopping to appreciate the life i have and not be angry for the life i have not....

i didnt read a self help book and im not in a new religion...
i think maybe i just woke up...
or maybe some time in seclusion in the burbs with a perfect shit storm destroying my life had me standing in a pile of debris and i was forced to just buck up and move on.
regardless.... i like this new progression.
i like this momentum.
i think i finally like where im at.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

logic vs the eating disorder

so you all know by now i suffer from anxiety.
well, not so much suffer, but am working on being treated for it.

when i first began my trial of medication, i stopped eating out of anxiety and seriously gave zero fucks about my body for the first time in a long time.  i guess since beginning them, my body has gained a tolerance and lately.... well lately, the battle is tougher than ever.

last summer i just started vomitting.  i would get seriously so fed up with my ex that the only thing i felt that i could control was throwing up.  it felt cleansing after eating to just throw up.  i can't explain the logic in this thought process because seriously, it is completely illogical.  at that time i just made sense to me.  i had to stop when one day at dinner bubs asked me why i kept going to the bathroom and leaving her for so long.

recently however... recently i have to admit that my desire to binge eat to destroy anxiety has returned and with that.... with that a major phobia of being overweight.  so much so that on occasion, at random times of the day, even if i have not eaten a thing, i will force myself to throw up.  i don't know why it is.  i think it has to do with control.  my stomach hurts from feeling nervous and anxious about things, so i throw up.  that is how i can control it for now and i hate it.  sometimes i will eat so much just so that i can vomit because vomitting on an empty stomach hurts like hell and is seriously the worst.  there's something calming though about seeing the contents of my stomach emptied into the toilet.  i can't explain it.

this morning, the battle inside of my brain raged on in the worst way.  i tried on shorts from a few summers ago since today it is supposed to reach a miraculous 72 degrees.  well, needless to say, my 30 year old body has spread in various places and those shorts are tight as all poo.  sure i got them butttoned, but not in a pretty way.  instantly my brain raced onto calling myself the worst names in the world.  i told myself i was fat and lazy and a glutton and disgusting and ugly and gross.... i told myself that everyone i pass probably stares at my large ass and thighs.  i convinced myself that i cant keep a boyfriend for long because my body is so gross, who would really want to see me naked.

what i didnt think about was the logical truth that when i had bought these shorts three summers ago, i had a problem with NOT eating and was at my tiniest since birth.  of course i immediately dismissed this thought because it made sense.  instead of embracing my curves and my body as it is for being simply a house to my spirit, an external shape housing my bubbly personality, i let it dominate me and my choice of clothing for the day.

with every bite of food and with every ounce of liquid i put into my body, healthy or not, the thoughts plague me ... the guilt harasses me....

what if no one had ever called me fat growing up?  what if i had never heard the words fat or chubby or large?  what if my dad had never made comments about my shape?  what if i were judged simply on my personality and my actual self?  would i be the way i am today?  what if i had a mother that was concerned with her daughter growing up with a healthy body image instead of promoting the disgusting idea that unless one is thin and outwardly beautiful, they are worthless and shameful?

needless to say, this battle has been over 15 years in the process and i am hoping for a strong victory this summer.  i know my meds need increasing, but more importantly, i know some cognitive change needs to take place.  we have started by banning the word fat from our home.  sometimes that isnt enough.  i have made my daughter obsessed with knowing what is healthy to eat and what is not.  while that could be considered good, she is obsessed with it with every bite she takes.

i hope not to lead her down this slippery slope of needing to burn every calorie that she intakes and starving herself to fit into a stick figure obsessed world.  it starts with me though.  it starts with my thought patterns, my words to myself whether voiced or not.

this battle is real my friends and very hard.  i hope i can seek help for it, but the schedule of a working single mother leaves hardly any time for therapy or a nutritionist.  it's much easier said than done..... but being honest here, whether anyone reads this or not is start enough for me....

Tuesday, May 13, 2014


i havent had internet for a while so ive been away from this thing called a laptop.
i gotta say it did me a world of good.
being away from social media and in actual real life forced me to deal with a lot of issues.
namely one, being my high anxiety which spurred on OCD tendencies also spurring on ADHD.

so i've been taking my meds for a while and thought i was doing great.
that was until this new hurdle decided to come up called moving and at the same time another hurdle called a court date to establish child support.

needless to say these "major issues" have so many sub issues, my head is once again spinning.
i find myself behaving the same as i had previously.
im nervous for everything, even things that are so second nature to me, or around people that i know love me and that i love too.
im itchy.  all of the time i am itching my legs and have really large scabs and scratches that i don't like to see.
my hygiene sucks.  i'll just leave it there.
im eating more.
i started throwing up after eating again sometimes.... only during high peak episodes.
im losing sleep.
my heart races.
ive been getting tremors at night sometimes.
im losing interest in people and things.
my body aches all over and random joints are painful.
housework is piling up yet i find myself in a catch 22... im obsessing about having to clean and organize and put things in a specific order and yet i find myself just going "meh" toward any action.

i mean these are just a few things....it's debilitating.  i know i need to call my psychiatrist for a higher dose but.... even that falls to the wayside because ignoring things is my coping mechanism apparently.

on a positive note, bubs and i moved to uptown and when im walkin about and exploring and being amidst people and cars and bikes, i breathe in deeply and feel home and happy and ... alive.

i think that's my only update.... no school.... currently no music although i miss it like hell.... just a ton of anxiety for the moment.

i have to say i believe in the meds im on.... they did me well for a few months and now... life is just proving too much and i think i just need an increase.... for now.  i dont want to be on pills forever...i just want to learn how to function again. 

Wednesday, January 29, 2014


guys, mental illness is something that is so frowned upon.
it is something that no one talks about because it is a faux pax thing.
it is socially unaccceptable.
it is a weakness.
it means you're crazy and have issues and things of that nature.

it is none of the above.

for most of my childhood, i battled with depression and suicidal tendencies.
instead of cutting like a normal angsty teen, i took keys and any blunt object i could find and scraped at my skin til it was raw and i could see little specks of blood.
i didnt just want the rush of a cut and a rush at the sight of blood.
i wanted to make myself numb from pain in any other area so i could stop feeling what i was feeling emotionally.
no one knew.
i stopped eating when i was a teenager and survived on iceberg lettuce and ice cubes.
since i dropped a lot of weight and was previously a chubby kid, no one knew.  they just thought i was trying to finally be healthy.
i remember throwing up every day on the way to kindergarten on this one tree because i was terrified of school.... terrified of kids who picked on me, terrified of getting wrong answers, and terrified to be there in general.

i lived my life with depression, anxiety, and some mildly compulsive behaviors.
no one noticed.
no one noticed and i thought these were normal.

then i get into adulthood, take my umpteenth psychology class in good ol' community college and find out that these behaviors and thoughts and tendencies are in fact, not "normal" at all.

so i find out i have adult onset ADHD.
i thought this was the root of everything.
until recently.
last spring, i went to the emergency room for breathing difficulties and for having an abnormally high pulse for 3 days.
turns out it was an anxiety attack.
they just told me to "calm down."
right.  ok guys.  thanks for your medical expertise.

the past few months though, i found myself in a debilitating state.
my heart was racing.
i was hyperventilating.
i was throwing up at random.
i couldn't sleep.
my compulsions started resurfacing and i found myself staring at the hardwood floors and obsessively cleaning them.
my body was tense and sore.
i was crabby at nothing and everything.
i avoided things i needed to take care of.
i didn't want to leave my bed.
i didn't want to go to work, pick up my bubs, or move.
my mind was going a mile a milisecond.

i learned about anxiety symptoms in children while at work and realized.... my symptoms fit the bill and while never clinically diagnosed with anxiety, i definitely needed to go back to the doctor and work this out.

so world, today i am dropping out of school for a while.
in 2 weeks i have a meeting with my therapist to try to come up with some coping techniques.

i realized that ive been keeping myself unnecessarily busy and stressed out to avoid dealing with the things of my past and avoid focusing on the mental illnesses that have been holding me back.
it isn't right that i do this to myself.
my health should be important to me physically and especially mentally.
i do not like living like this.

i have been kind of a shut in since november and i am definitely tired of avoiding people because i don't know how they will perceive and receive me.
it isn't right and it isn't fair to keep doing this to myself.

so hey guys, i struggle with some mental illnesses.
so hey guys, i have some problems im public about and no, im definitely not perfect.

before you go judging based on all of the above, understand this....
when you have the flu, an illness, you feel like doing nothing and you feel like shit and you just want everything to go away.
imagine your brain having the flu every day ..... not wanting to work properly, not wanting to move the rest of your body, and constantly being in a heavy, foggy state.
it sucks.
it's debilitating. 
but rest and medicine make your body better, don't they?
well... im off to find what works.
im admitting i am not mentally healthy, but i want to be there....

im tired of coping enough to just get by.
i want to be free.
no one should live like this.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

dictated, not read

i have to stop letting the past define the present.
it's almost as if im in a state of paralyzed psychosis.
it's unappealing and very uncomfortable.
sometimes i question my logic aloud and hear how foolish my thoughts sound.
but it's what i know.
i know not to trust.
i know people are out to get me and hurt me and treat me like a joke and a loser and a game.
i know people have nothing but horrible intentions to use me and throw me away like a cheap happy meal toy.

but this isnt true.
what i know is false.
yes, some people are horrible and evil and bad.
some does not apply to all.
some does not equal all.
some IS NOT all.

but this paralyzing dictation.... this internal monologue on repeat as the needle is stuck in a groove....
it ruins me.
it ruins all and any good.
because i believe it.
because i give it validation.
it has no legs to stand on, no proof in the pudding...
but still i cast it in front of my eyes like a veil and see what i know.
i hear and see and live in my "logic" and it is crippling.

then why dont you stop, kelly?
right in this moment i am taking the first step....
telling myself to SHUT UP.
telling the internal crevices of my cerebral cortex to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

yes, ive been hurt.
yes, ive been told i was a bitch, a loser, a joke, fat, a waste of life, a waste of time, off putting, boring, uninteresting, and that i should just kill myself.
(that is not the half of it nor is it a fabrication.... these are real things.)
ive been lied to and cheated on and just treated like crap.

i let that shut me away behind iron bars, steel walls, with brass knuckles ready to go at whomever dares cross the threshold of my metal prison.
and for the first time in a while i feel like opening the gates, letting down the walls, and shedding light in this dark space.
feeling so exposed and vulnerable i take everything for what it is not and make it into what i know it is and should be based on previous experiences.
who does that?
what kind of self involved, sadistic, fuck does those things?



i do.
not because i want to but simply because it is what i know.
this is the first time i am plugging my ears.
avoiding all of my logic in hopes that for once i am so very wrong.
i would love love love to be wrong.
please prove me wrong.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

banishing the negative

i think of how much i take for granted.
i looked at some thing online about the 35 happiest moments ever.
watching small children get so excited over a train or bubbles or a hug with a dog and seeing a deaf woman hear for the first time....
it made me realize something.

it made me realize how little i value my life.
i dread my waking moments because they are filled with bill collectors, a negative bank account, a near 4 year old with major listening problems and mild adhd....
but that isn't what life is supposed to be.
it's not a chore.
it's not just anticipating the next worse moment and with a heavy sigh trucking forward.

so today....
today may i live with the eyes of a child.
today may i find wonder and beauty and excitement in the small things.
today may i forget the things i cannot control and experience my waking moments for what they are meant to be.
may i find value in every tiny interaction with every person.
may i share love and smiles with everyone regardless of how they perceive me.
may kindness come from my mouth and not give home to any negative word.

maybe it's these tiny changes.
these tiny choices every day to choose to see the good and positive, to choose to find worth and value in the small that simply make those daunting adultish monsters disappear into the dark of night where they came from.

i can only try.