im typing this through tears after just spending a good 15 minutes staring at myself in the bathroom mirror telling myself to calm down.
i did probably the two worst things any single woman could do: drink vodka alone while watching "he's just not that into you."
while that movie offers valuable insight, it also reminds me how stupid i've been.
so what does a good single drunk girl do?
why text guys that have broken her heart or have left her hanging and she isnt sure what they think or feel!!!
and what a great idea this one was!
let me back track here as to why the tears of frustration and self hatred are flowing.
i am quite gullible and stupid and, i forgot to mention, SUCH A GIRL!
i hate what we females do to ourselves. we dissect every minute thing a guy says or does and somehow manipulate it into being "he has feelings for me," when in reality he could just wanna be friends. of course i'm still trying to find that solid line where guys and girls that are single at our age can really just "be friends" without one party having feelings for the other.... but that's just my take on that.
so the past 9 months of being single have been.... quite a rollercoaster i want to jump off of i must say. i am wanting to lie face down on the tracks and just quit at this point. initially there was, L let's call him. L just.... seemed indifferent. L would hang out and pretty much sleep. that was that. L liked my kid tho but.... i don't think he ever liked me. L vanished and there came N. N and i, i thought we were getting along great til one day he accidentally met my kid and whoooooooooosh, gone! i got the whole "i just don't know what i want" speech and "i need to figure myself out" speech which i know is guy for "omg stay away!" then there were some scattered dates in there, one guy was just using me to cheat on his gf. another guy was still seeing his ex, got her pregnant and flipped out on ME when i was like "hey guy wtf?" then i met, lets call him, B. B and i had a lot in common, and had a fun weekend together the weekend we met. i thought he gave me something of his cos he liked me but.... a few texts later in the weeks to follow would ensure me that he was in fact, not interested. i think the next noteworthy fellow is ... let's call him R. R was just a fun friend. we drank, we got into mischief and he said we were bf/gf. a few days later we were fwb. a few days later we were exclusive, and a few days after that we were just friends and the whole label thing was a joke. needless to say that messed me up. so i turned to the world of online dating.
HAHAHAHHAA. millions of faces and names and hobbies and interests parading around as decent, nice guys. lets say A, was none of the above and he was canned after one date. J i thought wanted to see me but J just wanted one thing and one thing only. S was interested in me but the feelings were NOT mutual. N i was interested in but again, he was not interested in seeing me again. and Z, Z was so much like me but... again, once was enough of the kelmeister i guess.
so here i am torn between 3 dating sites, facebook friends of friends, numerous people i know in real life and new people i meet when i actually get to go out. and still nothing.
i know it's the whole cliche of "when you stop looking it will come." the thing is.... i don't really think i'm LOOKING. i just want one guy to be upfront and honest with me, to not drag my feelings around and make me assume we're more than what we are, to not have me believe that he is going to call when he has absolultely NO interest whatsoever. i'm tired of being flattered and sweet talked. i'm tired of bullshit promises of second dates. i'm tired of being rejected. it's exhausting.
im basically looking to meet new people and see what's there. which is, what i thought dating was supposed to be. im not lookin to get married or get super cereal right away.... i just.... i want one guy to meanwhat he says.
so far, no luck. i have however discovered an absolute sadistic joy from telling guys off when i can smell the bullshit...
i havent however yet figured out how to get past date 1. i'm possibly too quirky, too oddbally, too upfront, too outspoken, but i dont plan on changing myself for someone of the opposite gender.
it sucks to take a step back, look at your track record of "dates" (i only listed the noteworthy ones btw) and realize how used you were, how cheap you were made, how much bullshit you ingested.... it makes me so mad i cry.
where o where in the great big world that i live in is the kind gentleman that will not forget it's my brithday, that will be super sweet on me just because he feels like it, that will go be silly and have adventures, that wont take himself so serious, that can cook me dinner sometimes, that understands it's about fairness and being equal, that will build forts with me in the living room and play pretend when we take walks in the woods?
until this dorky weird robot of mine comes around, i will remain one bitter, skeptical, little fart. sorry to anyone that must know me by now.