Sunday, June 17, 2012

ignoring responsibilities to vent....

i am overwhelmingly disgusted with the human race in general.  i suppose i have a load of bad karma headed my way for things that ive done.  maybe thats why the past 7 months, while im growing and learning and being a better person, have been nothing but a shitstorm heaping rubble and debris on my head.  i think tonight i kind of snapped.
i was really excited.  i had a zoo date with a nerdy boy with brown hair, straight nerd glasses, facial hair, who had the same style as me, same taste in music, and was a straight NERD.  in fact, he asked ME to the zoo.  turns out he was seeing someone else and dumped this all on me tonite.  not day 1 when i told him to be upfront and honest.  not day 2 when we talked for almost 2 hours on the phone.  nope..... 115 am the "morning of" our said date.
le sigh.
i should just brush it off since i barely knew him.  that would be sensible and downright logical.  and im working toward behaving in that way.  but....he's not the first.  there's "i need to find myself" guy, "i just wanna hook up" guy, "i got my ex gf pregnant" guy, "im seeing so many people i cant keep you all straight" guy, the "you have a kid so that means you have leprosy and aids and herpes and gonorrrhea and cyphilis and every other terminal disease" guyS, and yeah the list goes on....
moral of the story (as i do the typical girl thing and shove chips in my face while venting about a stupid guy), dont watch movies.  it's all bullshit.  that stupid lie that they subliminally feed us that there is this perfect person out there that wants to be with us and will sweep us off our feet and be the sheer image of all that we've been hoping for.  BULLSHIT.  they do that so we buy make up, get our hair done, buy lingerie, buy condoms and birth control, and go out to fancy dinners. 
seeing as how the past 7 months single has been (without really intentionally LOOKING to go on a date mind you), i am going to go into hibernation and sleep and eat the shit storm away. 
honestly.  i dont want a boyfriend.  i just wanted someone to chill with and go do fun stuff with that happened to share a mutal feeling of interest.  i dont want someone checking in on me and needing to meld our lives together and circles of friends.  i dont want to see this person every day and weekend that i have free.  im starting to think that i am meant to be the bitter old spinstress, the cat lady if you will (if only i didnt hate my own cat so much this might be possible). 
so dear friends and readers of all genders, i am going to be cynical and bitter for a while.  i am going to hate on most men that cross my path and be really mean to the them if they try to be nice to me.  honest to goodness, it's goin down.  kelly haines is going to be hurt no more.
and on that note, i should put away the chips.

Friday, June 15, 2012

bucket list

so talkin to a friend and she brings up  her bucket list.  figured i should start writing down some things i wanna do.

- skydive
- zipline through the rain forest (or any forest)
- climb to the top of a mountain
- go rock climbing
- ride a motorcycle
- get a vespa and a backpack and go across spain or something
- go hang gliding
- learn to surf
- go scuba diving
- learn to swing dance
- play a music festival
- go to a music festival

yeah that's it for now.  none of these are impossible.  i should get movin.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

weeding and other such life clean ups

maybe this is the process of adulthood and growing up and all the jargon and bullshit we were told as kids.  maybe it takes some longer than others.  maybe im the some.
i value relationships.  mostly i think cos i didnt have very many close ones growing up.  in fact, most of the "friends" i have on facebook are people that requested me to apologize for being so mean to me growing up.  they hit their stride earlier than i.  they came to certain realizations before me and that's fine.
it took me 4 years to rid my life of J.  it was needed and necessary and unfortunately many years too late.  but it was almost like, that got the ball rolling.  i cant say though, that it has ever been easy.
i'll weed people out and somehow they either keep springing up and i just leave them there because i dont have the energy to tell them to peace out, or, i plant them back because i feel like somehow, i cant have my life without them.
i forget their drain on my psyche and emotions until the patterns start repeating.  then i kick myself for the juvenile decision i made.

recently, i did a massive uprooting.  i came to a point where enough was enough.  i may act selfishly.  i may lie sometimes.  i may say very hurtful and stupid things.  i may say things i shouldnt.  i may act inappropriately.  i may be self centered.  these are ALL TERRIBLE THINGS about ME, yes i'm aware.  but, for someone to only see my flaws and never anything positive and keep me around because they can put me down due to my shortcomings, never realizing that they have many of their own and just badger and harass me with my failures and flaws.... no thank you.  i never claimed to be perfect.  i simply want to know what im doing wrong so i dont repeat it, so i can live every day better than i was the day before.  so yes, enough was enough and many people are now out of my life and i'm not turning back.

i think about when i weeded and trimmed the trees and bushes in my yard.  holy rain forest was it a mess.  i didnt want to do it.  i hhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaateeeee yardwork.  it is tedious.  it is time consuming.  it is dirty and just.... blech.  not for me.  BUT, i found that by trimming these few trees and pulling out this bushel of weeds, i had a path leading alongside my house to the back yard.  whoda thunk it?  just by getting rid of some excess and needless shrubbery, i could find a path.

lately, after taking these people out of my life, im finding that i have a lot about myself that i need to work on, but i no longer hate myself for it.  yes, i need to tone my body and lose a few pounds.  who out there is NOT insecure about their figure and a woman?  i can't say i know ANY.  yes, i need to be more aware of people around me and pay more attention to THEM than me.  who can say that they are completely selfless and never for once want some reward or praise?  i cant say i know ANY.  im also finding that i like yoga.  i like calmness and stretching and inward reflection.  i like science.  i love the human body and how it works.  i really like medicine and may end up furthering my education even more.  i really am a girl deep down.  yes i have girl parts but i dont usually act the role.  i do like looking pretty and being treated like a lady.  i dont always want to be stubborn and self sufficient.  i am independent.  just by mowing my lawn or cleaning the basement.... im realizing that i got this shit.  i feared so much doing this single mom thing and yeah, money sucks.  money sucks a big hairy D but.... when i see audrey smile, when i can feed her food every day without worry, when i can buy her a treat or take her to the park........... it's irrelevant.  all that matters is her.

anyway, moral of the story.... life's not as scary as i thought it was.  the world is not out to get me.  sometimes ya just gotta clear away the excess to find the path that was hiding there all along.... on the side of your house.... leading to a back yard full of ..... more weeds and trees, but really i'm just saying.... mentally, emotionally, friendship-ly.... clean up your life.  get rid of the weight that's dragging you down whatever form it is coming in.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

in a better place....

for the longest time after J and i split, i thought i needed someone, a replacement.  i thought i couldn't do it.  i thought i wasn't strong enough to stand on my own two feet and that i'd miss sleeping by someone and watching tv with someone and eating dinner with someone. i thought id miss joking around with someone and hanging out with someone all the time.
im fine.
i like sprawling out in my bed at night with no one hovering on me.  i like going out at night with no one asking me where i'm going, why i look nice, and who i'm hanging out with.   i like being able to do my homework with no other noise than that of the 30 rock episode on the tv to distract me from pure silence.
of course, sometimes i want someone to give me hugs and hold my hand.
but its not a priority anymore.
i feared this for so long, but it is the best ever.  i like getting to know myself and spend time with myself.
i like hangin out with audrey.
i like the new friends i've met and im realizing that there are some people, like J that just don't belong in my life. 
for so long i feared LOSING.  losing money, losing people, losing relationships, losing myself.
i lost sight of the fact that not everyone belongs in my life.
stupid social media sites like twitter and facebook base your popularity and social standing on the # of followers or friends you have.
it's superficial nonsense.
it's about quality, not quantity.
id rather 3 good friends than 300 phonies.
im learning who to trust and HOW to trust more importantly.
im learning that not everyone deserves my time or energy.
im learning how to stand up for myself and not let everyone walk all over me or beat me down.
but im also learning im nto always right.
i cant always be so stubborn.
i do need help.
i don't always have the answer.
i'm not always right.
i do need people to put me in my place sometimes.
the most important thing is that i don't need that constant anymore.
i dont need someone around ALL the time.
i like myself.
not every day but i do.
i like the ability to analyze my actions and thoughts and word choices and realize every day that i need to strive and aim to be a better version of that the next day.
im learning it's ok to fail.
it's ok to make mistakes.
it's ok not to be perfect or have it all together.
it's ok to cry.
it's ok to not have all the answers.
it's ok to be alone.
and i like it.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

emotional cancer

i am a cancer down to the most minute details of the description of this type of person.  the major quality that is resounding is the fact that i am completely emotional.  at least once an overnight shift, i sit at my laptop, take off my glasses and have a good 20-30 min cry.  now some might read this and think that i am emotionally unstable.  on the contrary.  i wish i didnt have emotions sometimes.  i wish i could so far remove myself from feeling sometimes.  yes, emotions and the experiences that come with it are sometimes the most beautiful things, but.... not for me.  the times that i stop and think and feel.... there is one resonating theme that i wish to ignore.  i wish i had the ability to just selectively wipe this feeling from my brain and heart.  i'm constantly reminded of this one feeling, this one want and it irritates me to a level i don't believe anyone could understand.  i know who i am without this one thing.  i know i dont even NEED this one thing.  but i guess sometimes, when im hitting the 3 o'clock hour on my overnight shift, that feeling and that want settle in.  call it fatigue, call it realness, call it what you will.  i just call it annoying.
it's not like i want this one thing as a permanent fixture in my life.  on the contrary, i mostly like to be without it.  but there are those times, those quiet, cold moments where i really want this thing.  or sometimes there are amazing moments, like rolling down a hill at top speed or staring at the clouds finding dinosaurs with stethoscopes or something.... i want this thing then too.
i hate this want more than i hate anything else.  i feel paralyzed by this want.  sometimes i do and say the most stupid things because of this feeling.  this feeling overtakes me sometimes to the point of pure asinine behavior. 
everyone i try to talk to about this feeling reminds me how horrible i am and how not ready i am for this feeling to bear any fruit, for this want to find its place.  i dont think anyone really knows me like i do.  yes of course as a person it is easy to justify ALL of our feelings and wants away and i could quite possibly be doing that now.... but i dont think i am.
this runaround of never knowing, this constant waiting i think is what drives me to a 20 minute tear fest.  i don't want the map and the details now.  i don't want to know any longer EVERYTHING that's gonna happen before it does for fear of failure. 
i just want to know this.... thing.... this thing will be there sometimes.  no doubt, no drama, no chaos, no confusion, and no more tears.
im tired of thinking to myself "ill get there".... my impatience is truly getting the better of me ... as is  my faitgue.