Saturday, April 14, 2012

gas isnt cheap but a drive sure did me good

i think i hit my "a-ha" moment....

a run in with my ex, being reminded of how happy he is, got me upset and sent me on a downward spiral of binge eating and moping around for a few minutes.  so, i took a drive and got a coffee.  normally i drown my thoughts in music, but this time, i sat in silence.  i thought.

i thought about happiness and how ive spent 28 years of existence thus far striving and vying for someone to just love and accept me (friends, relationships, etc).  i've spent countless amounts of energy hating the fact that i can be left without thought and replaced without question and effort.  and no, i've not been happy.  that sends me looking for it in another place or person or food even.  (hence a very long and grueling battle with eating disorders and low self esteem.)

but maybe happiness isn't about people, tastes, or chemical/substance induced smiles.  maybe happiness is about ME.  people come and go and change.  taste buds change.  highs wear off.  at the end of it all, i'm left with me.

this is about me and my own story. yes, my ex may be in his own "happily ever after" right now, but that isn't for me to be concerned with.  that isn't my story and those aren't my pages to read.  his outcome isn't about me.

right NOW is about me.  i am the only constant in my life.  IM not going anywhere.  IM the only one that isn't going to leave me or change on me.  IM not going to wear off and vanish.

so maybe it wasn't the most financially wise endeavor to just go drive and get coffee since im pretty broke, but it did me good.  i didn't drown my thoughts out with a song that someone else wrote or feelings someone else has had.  i had to face my own self-conscious.  and it wasn't as scary as i thought.

maybe happiness isn't about a perma-smile forced and faked.  maybe happiness is just about accepting myself, loving myself, and being ok with myself.  maybe happiness isn't about my size, shape and weight, the current fashion that i am sporting through clothes or hair, or the people that i am currently hanging out with.  maybe happiness is just .... knowing that i am me and that it's enough.

unrealistic expectations

i realize a lot of things while going to the bathroom.  tmi i know but.... im not talkin about poo. 


a thought crossed my mind just a few minutes ago.  i was washing my hands (yup, good hygiene) and looked in the mirror.  i was remembering a comment from another mom who said "my goodness you've gotten so skinny."  i think about how that comment makes me cringe.  i have the worst body image due to years of being overweight and battling various eating disorders.  all i can hear is the negative comments that i grew up listening to and can't see me for what i really am.  then it crossed my mind.... who told me i have to be a certain size jeans and a certain number on the scale?  who dictated this idea of "thin" that i need to achieve?  I DID.  I DID IT.  i'm not failing some ideal that i have to fit into.  im simply beating myself up over some UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION that i need to be 97 pounds and a size 0.  WHY?  where did this idea come from?  why is it so important that i achieve this? 

then i realized how many other unrealistic expectations i have for myself.  if i take full time courses from now until next march, i will graduate.  but what about my summer?  what about having friends and takin audrey to the lake while the weather is decent?  what about having some beers while sitting outside or going for runs around the lake?  WHO SAID I NEED TO FINISH BY NEXT MARCH?  of course it's ideal and i would love to be out in the field doing what i am going to school for but, realistically, come on now.  who is putting this weight of no life and no fun on my shoulders?  ME.  I AM DOING THIS TO MYSELF.

i think i need to cut myself some slack.  i work hard, im a good mom, my house is moderately clean, and im not failing school.... im actually around an A average.  so why do i deny myself a few nights of fun?  why am i pressuring myself to perfection and solitude?

i think i need to set some new goals for myself.  i think i need a healthy dose of reality.  i think i need more time on the toilet :)

day 30: 30 day challenge COMPLETE (3 days late)

how i completely spaced on the 30th day of my 30 day challenge is beyond me. 
things are changing for me in a good way.  im realizing what im worth, what i deserve, and most importantly, what i don't deserve.  i'm learning it's ok to stand up for myself sometimes and to speak my voice.  i'm also learning there are many times where i need to shut up and listen, take criticism and constructive feedback and grow. 

so day 30 (what should have been 3 days ago): im unstoppable.  with all the things i am learning and applying to my life daily with every moment of chaos, every breath i take and exhale.... i don't want to stay the same ever.  i will never compromise the goofy, sassy, talented, outspoken, creative, nutjob that i am.  i will never stifle how much love i like to share with others or how  much attention i like to give people.  i will always be me, but growing.  the time i have here is meant to be spent learning and growing, giving and sharing.  so hopefully my quest to find and better myself has provoked some change in someone or at least inspired them to see themselves for who they really are and not the distorted view they grew up with or gained over years of being put down. 
im not where i need to be yet.  i don't claim to be or think im anywhere close.  the important thing is though, that i am daily putting one foot in front of the other to get there.  i take the obstacles and challenges head on and just hope to keep growing and going.  i can't wait to find out more of who i really am.  it's been a very awesome month and i know im already in a better place than when i started.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

days 27-29: 30 day challenge

im nearing the end of this little experiment and holy shit it has done amazing things for me.  i am in a great place mentally and emotionally and i cant say that i have been here in a very long time.  i dont know if i can say EVER actually.  so with one day left after making up for the past 3 days, im really looking forward to seeing these things the next time im feelin not so up and up. 

day 27:  im tough.  i keep takin punches and kicks from life in the forms of various things.  i dont have it easy ... i never have.  but the important thing is that i don't quit.  i push.  and i put my head down and just keep going.  it may be pouring rain on my head and im getting soaked and im cold, or it may be super hot and i have a really steep hill to climb and im out of water.... i don't quit.  i push until i make it.

day 28: i am confident.  i can say this NOW, and no it's not every day, but... i know who i am now.  maybe this little experiment had something to do with it but.... at least i know ME. 

day 29: im humble.  yeah yeah yeah not a very humble thing to say, but i am.  of course i have my bad day like everyone else but i never think ive "made it" and am "complete."  i think life is a journey and there's always room to grow and learn and change.  in fact, i love change.  it's the most uncomfortable, necessary, exciting adventure.

ONE MORE DAY!  i wonder if i could keep this going for 30 MORE days!

Sunday, April 8, 2012

days 18 - 26: 30 day challenge

i have slacked hardcore on this and i saw myself getting crabby and sad and discouraged more easily than when i was on top of this whole endeavor.  i noticed bad behavior and thought patterns and even bad decision making coming back and taking over me.  it's funny, the power of positive thinking, what it does to the psyche and how it totally alters your lifestyle.

day 18:  i am passionate.  i am a lover.  as much as i claim to be a fighter.  i am a total lover.  i put 100% into everything i do and feel and say.  i don't hold back..... and that has come to bite me in the ass recently but i make no apologies for who i am.

day 19:  i am social.  i love meeting new people and making new friends.  i like finding out about people and getting to know who they are.  i get told im like a hyper puppy and far too excitable and who i am isn't for everyone.  im accepting that fact finally.  im not for everyone.

day 20:  i am determined.  i set my mind to something and work to get it done come hell or high water.  this is probably one of my favorite things i've noticed about myself.  im not a pushover any more and it only took me 28 years to get here but i am not turning back.

day 21:  i am stubborn.  this can be viewed as a bad thing indeed, and definitely when my daughter starts acting stubborn at her ripe old age of 2, i know where she got it from and already am aware of my impending doom when she gets older.  but i stick to my guns.  not to say im not open minded at all, but if i believe in something i don't back down, no matter the argument. 

day 22:  i am one sexy milftastic lady.  yep, i said it.  that sounds conceited and perverted as all hell, but i see no shame.  i would again sit here and start pointing out what im not: a size 0, perfectly done up every day, tight and toned in all the right places with huge jugs.... but what i am.... is a feisty, petite lady with half sleeves that are gonna be made into full ones when i get more money, long dark hair, bright eyes, a sweet smile, adorable freckles, a sweet ass, and the most hyper personality ever haha.  i find the combo attractive lol.

day 23:  i am plain.  i dont need to wear pounds of make up or designer clothes by any means.  how i wake up is how i wake up.  not to say i dont doll up from time to time or if i HAVE free time, take the time to look sweet even if its just for a trip to target, but im ok with just walkin outta the house sometimes.  i am who i am.

day 24:  i am simple.  i dont have a taste for the "finer things."  gimme a beer and a place to sit outside and im just dandy.  meh, on occasion its fun to get super prettied up and be fancy pants but.... im too chill for that to be a daily lifestyle.  i have no shame in ordering a whiskey coke at a seedy dive bar as long as no creepy old man is trying to score my number.

day 25:  i am a great writer.  i have lyrics running thru my brain daily at the worst times.  in fact, when i was younger, i would use my mom's eyeliner on toilet paper and write poems while i was droppin chocolate.  hahaha... TMI but... it's true.  ive moved onto writing on my refrigerator with a dry erase marker.

day 26:  i am a giver.  i can't tell you how much of my free time is my own, because i fear the number is too small to compute.  from sun up to sundown, i am constantly at someone else's disposal.  i am either taking care of my daughter, my cat, my house, my residents at work, or am doing stuff for school.  granted some of these "benefit" me but.... i do it all on my own.  i have pretty much 12-15 hours of "me" time per week which half the time i end up passing out from fatigue.  now i sound like im complaining, but im not.  it sucks at times not getting to be an adult without it breakin the bank with smaller checks from taking time off of work, but.... i get to learn daily how to help others, how to put others first, how to be patient and giving and caring, how to ignore my outside bullshit and just listen.  it's hard as hell, but i know it's making me a better person daily and im appreciative for these opportunities.

so here is my 8 days of bragging that i slacked on cos im obviously far too into myself for my own good.  again, i will reiterate that this is probably one of the hardest things ive set out to do and accomplish, but i do feel that it is completely necessary to have a reminder of the things that make me ME and to learn to love and appreciate those things about me that make me KELLY.  maybe they ARENT for everyone and not everyone will like me or want to be around me that i meet.  maybe im just too much for some and maybe im not enough for others.  that's ok.  im just the right amount for me.