Monday, July 21, 2014

external chaos

"give it a few days and everything'll be better..."
but the moments passing til that day send me running for cover
explosive battlegrounds on all sides
testing luck and chance trying to survive
I put my head down absorbing the words that judge and criticize
head down so far I can't see the nearing finish line
just trying to make the best of what is
until the best becomes a real point in time
raising tiny, shaking hands to begin that upward climb
and it's a long one
these couple of days have been all clouds and no sun
drained from knowing it's far from being done
but onward.... onward's my only choice
to weather the storm with lifted fists
keep on pulling myself up with shaky grips
give it a few days they say....
smile through the fear they say
it'll all be okay they say
well I hope they are elite psychics
I hope they know some Jedi mind tricks
because despair is a comfortable place to begin to rest
to take a break from this failing conquest
to try to make better of the worst
and find this hidden best

i wrote this lil bit of nonsense on my fb page today after a complete adult shit storm hit the fan and sprayed every area of my waking life.

i know that sounds completely overdramatic and it would be easy to be like, "hey, kelly.... really.... shut up and realize how good you have it."  
honestly i know by the end of the week, the dust will settle and some things will be ok.  honestly i know that and that's all that kept me from having a serious mental breakdown.  that doesn't stop the worrisome thoughts and increasing anxiety as minutes pass into hours with no resolution to the problem still at hand.

just as i begin to conjure a belief of good things for my life, reality sets in, the dark cloud blankets the display of light and smiles and there i am.... surrounded, trapped, and smothered by the dark despair of a life shit storm.

im trying to hold hope and hold on and just keep going.  im trying to forget the have nots and isnts and things resembling a negative stature.  sometimes it's just so easy though.... so easy to curl up in a ball of sadness and forget everything around you- even forget that life happens and people are busy and you with your misery are not the center of anyone's world.

within this external chaos.... im trying to find the strength to crawl one extra inch so as not to be covered in the smallest amount by dark despair.... im running out of energy though....

Friday, July 18, 2014

a change of status

i could look at this change of status and partly feel bad.
partly feel bad that you finally got the message.
partly feel bad because you are no longer speaking to me, not even a blip on the radar of friend.
partly feel bad because your friend is now texting me daily to see if i think he is too weird to ever hang out with.
partly feel bad because i don't feel all that bad.

i am so sick of accepting blame and feeling sad and sorry.
i am so sick of devouring your affection, love, and kindness for mere days before things are official (again) and you slowly become this self absorbed lump of excuses and coldness.
i am so sick of accepting that as my emotional fate.

a short while ago, i realized i deserved better.
i realized that i am not like some women who want it all.... looks, money, fancy things, dates, presents, 24/7 love and attention.
i am stubborn, self-reliant, busy, and kind of a tomboy.
i realized that what i want is fathomable, legitimate, and healthy.
i realized that i will not settle for less than what i deserve.

what i deserve is this:
someone that doesn't forget when we have plans
someone that doesnt spend hours on their phone on various apps and cant reply to a single text - especially the cute ones telling you something sweet and sincere
someone that CAN tell me something sweet and sincere
someone that can SHOW me they love me and i matter, not with grand, expensive gestures, but simply by being thoughtful and real.... because thought requires no effort or strain.... it's just a reaction
someone that wants to be around me
someone that wants to get to know me
someone that wants me to get to know them
someone with interests and hobbies and a life of their own but also that wants to make time to see me and makes that time a priority
someone that can give me space
someone that can trust me when im not around and not inquire as to every text message or phone notification from various social media apps
someone that will encourage me and inspire me to do music not for any other reason than to see me smile
someone that reminds me im beautiful not because of looks but because of who i am
someone that lets me be who i am
someone with a sense of adventure
someone who can man up, plan a date, and not leave everything up to me
someone who is romantic and can treat me like a lady but also let me play in the mud and climb trees

someone like this does exist.
im in no hurry to find him.
but im in no mood to settle until i do.

so while you may not speak to me anymore right now because you finally got the 14th message of how we are no longer together and i can not at all be your girlfriend because of how up and down you are and how i do not appreciate being called bi polar for having said these things.... i will always miss you and the short time you were someone i thought i could be with before the mask came off and i saw your true self.  youre angry and stubborn and distant.  you're vacant and selfish and the ultimate king of excuses.  

so with the final change of status... i continue on as i did before and you the same.  and should i see you again, i hope there can be a kind hug and heartfelt hello.  maybe this change in status to the point where we are no longer speaking is for the best....

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

over the hill officially

i turn thirty-freaking- ONE on thursday.
holy shit.

young kelly never thought she'd make it to this age.
in fact, young kelly aspired to be a famous musician in some ska band by now.
sorry young kelly.... that kinda ska is pretty dead.

i never thought i'd be where i am.
in a one bedroom apartment, uptown, with bubs and a cat named after my all time favorite food... pickle.

every year that goes by though, i look back at my former self and am ashamed.  i feel like i owe so many apologies and reparations for the things i have done, felt, and said... for the ways i have lashed out and responded so childishly and immaturely.

i suppose that's life though; the perks of growing up and older....

that term... over the hill....
im sure someone thought by a certain age that all acts of childishness and immature rationalizations would be gone by then.... that one has surpassed some figurative hill and is finally on the other side where bad decisions and poor choices don't occur.

i don't think that way.
not that im aiming for failure, but im aware that i will always make a mistake, be in the wrong in some situation, and not act at my best at some point.
but 31...

i have to say that i am grateful to have come this far.
in the past year i have grown a figurative pair.
i stand up for myself  now.
i may not ever have the highest self esteem, but god damn it, now i know that i'm worth more than how i've been treated and refuse to let people step on me as if i were small and miniscule.
i dont give a rat's ass or two fine gold shits about ever having a boyfriend or being in "love" whatever the fuck that actually means.
i love my growth.
i love my friends and the family i have made in recent years that are teaching me to stop being so fucking uptight, to let go, face fears and logical thinking and be free to enjoy and experience life.
i believe in myself now.
i find myself growing at work and facing things with a different persona than i normally would have.
somedays im better than others.....

so here i am, facing a day where i will be one year older....
im grateful that i get to spend it with people that bring smiles to my soul and that are choosing to spend time with me.  i love their lives for enriching mine so much.  i love them for challenging me and teaching me and helping shape and change me. 

im excited for this new year... maybe not the actual number i have to verbalize when asked how old i am, but still.... it's a whole new adventure.