Saturday, December 31, 2011

my 2012 list of goals

im not sure HOW i am going to approach this but i figured, i am in a new place in my life and it is a new year, so what better thing to do than start a list of things that i would like to see happen in 2012 (should we not all die from global warming and an apocalyptic massacre).  so ... where to begin...

-lose 10 pounds by may
-develop a weekly exercise routine
-go through one whole cookbook from cover to cover and learn new recipes and cooking techniques
-keep an A average in school
-get audrey potty trained
-keep a substantial amount of money in a savings account
-master a few baking recipes
-write 2 songs
-get a new tattoo
-get a haircut :)
-take a few days for myself away from school, home, and mommying
-go on a roadtrip
-meet 5 new people
-watch one scary movie
-go to a movie
-try 5 foods that i have never heard of before
-conquer 2 fears.
-get hot momma clothes :)
-get a new phone
-get a new camera

i think that's a good enough start for now.  im sure there will be more .....

Friday, December 30, 2011

things have gotten ugly but...

after the split, i knew things would be ugly, but i never assumed that they would get THIS ugly.  i mean, for our daughter's sake i assumed one would act civilly and at least return a greeting and be cordial.  oh the expectations i have are apparently insurmountable mountains to climb.  i just absolutely quit expecting him to be nice or courteous or understanding at all. and on that note.... i digress.
it has been a hard adjustment living on my own... i'm not used to so much quiet.
one thing i have discovered is how valuable alone time is.  yes, anyone that knows me knows right off the bat how much i love and value my daughter.  she is the only thing keeping me smiling these days.  but, a mom needs her time too.  i have realized from having so few channels on the tv that i really like to watch cooking shows.  it is like a puzzle... these chefs and bakers have certain ingredients to work with and need to make something amazing.  and even if it doesnt taste that great, the people judging their food somehow KNOW what the dish needs or where it's lacking.  i have spent a lot of time in the kitchen lately (after the mouse drama semi-subsided).  that is the one place where i have been finding absolute solace and tranquility and why audrey is just NOT allowed in the kitchen when i'm experimenting.  it's almost like having the general public spying on a scientist while he's trying to find the cure for AIDS.  it's distracting. 
i have had so much fun experimenting with baking different things and testing out different marinades for meat and making something out of nothing (when i forget to go to the store and am hungry).  it's been really calming and i'm almost finding a sense of self again.....
granted i don't need to be EATING myself into a sense of self, but the experimentation and delight i feel when i'm making things is a whole new feeling for me.  for 4 years i lost a myself trying to be everyone's caretaker and no one really looked out for me.  i lost myself and lost sight of the things i like to do and what i wanted to be.  i feel like even if it's something as small as making a cupcake, i'm alive again.... well, maybe not entirely, but im getting there.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

a week in...

i have to say, things are a lot more calm for the gigantic life change i threw upon myself than id imagined.  aside from the still suspicious break in and theft of my personal belongings, i feel sane.  i feel 100 pounds lighter and like a 50 ton elephant has gotten off my chest.  i still can't sleep cos im paranoid at night about things that go bump- living or dead.  i haven't gotten the free time i've been promised because we are still figuring out a schedule and adjusting and audrey seems to know there is change and is ..... well..... acting out a little more than usual.  could just be the age she's at, but whatever.  she has also grown very attached to her blankie. 

i have a whole small house to clean up and reorganize and decorate, so if anyone has any good thrift stores near them that have fun stuff, let me know.  i need things on the cheap!
im excited for life change, for ME time, for space, and for clarity.  it's the first time in a long time i feel like myself again.