Saturday, December 31, 2011

my 2012 list of goals

im not sure HOW i am going to approach this but i figured, i am in a new place in my life and it is a new year, so what better thing to do than start a list of things that i would like to see happen in 2012 (should we not all die from global warming and an apocalyptic massacre).  so ... where to begin...

-lose 10 pounds by may
-develop a weekly exercise routine
-go through one whole cookbook from cover to cover and learn new recipes and cooking techniques
-keep an A average in school
-MOVE TO AN APARTMENT NOT IN THE HOOD
-get audrey potty trained
-keep a substantial amount of money in a savings account
-master a few baking recipes
-write 2 songs
-get a new tattoo
-get a haircut :)
-take a few days for myself away from school, home, and mommying
-go on a roadtrip
-meet 5 new people
-watch one scary movie
-go to a movie
-try 5 foods that i have never heard of before
-conquer 2 fears.
-get hot momma clothes :)
-get a new phone
-get a new camera


i think that's a good enough start for now.  im sure there will be more .....

Friday, December 30, 2011

things have gotten ugly but...

after the split, i knew things would be ugly, but i never assumed that they would get THIS ugly.  i mean, for our daughter's sake i assumed one would act civilly and at least return a greeting and be cordial.  oh the expectations i have are apparently insurmountable mountains to climb.  i just absolutely quit expecting him to be nice or courteous or understanding at all. and on that note.... i digress.
it has been a hard adjustment living on my own... i'm not used to so much quiet.
one thing i have discovered is how valuable alone time is.  yes, anyone that knows me knows right off the bat how much i love and value my daughter.  she is the only thing keeping me smiling these days.  but, a mom needs her time too.  i have realized from having so few channels on the tv that i really like to watch cooking shows.  it is like a puzzle... these chefs and bakers have certain ingredients to work with and need to make something amazing.  and even if it doesnt taste that great, the people judging their food somehow KNOW what the dish needs or where it's lacking.  i have spent a lot of time in the kitchen lately (after the mouse drama semi-subsided).  that is the one place where i have been finding absolute solace and tranquility and why audrey is just NOT allowed in the kitchen when i'm experimenting.  it's almost like having the general public spying on a scientist while he's trying to find the cure for AIDS.  it's distracting. 
i have had so much fun experimenting with baking different things and testing out different marinades for meat and making something out of nothing (when i forget to go to the store and am hungry).  it's been really calming and i'm almost finding a sense of self again.....
granted i don't need to be EATING myself into a sense of self, but the experimentation and delight i feel when i'm making things is a whole new feeling for me.  for 4 years i lost a myself trying to be everyone's caretaker and no one really looked out for me.  i lost myself and lost sight of the things i like to do and what i wanted to be.  i feel like even if it's something as small as making a cupcake, i'm alive again.... well, maybe not entirely, but im getting there.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

a week in...

i have to say, things are a lot more calm for the gigantic life change i threw upon myself than id imagined.  aside from the still suspicious break in and theft of my personal belongings, i feel sane.  i feel 100 pounds lighter and like a 50 ton elephant has gotten off my chest.  i still can't sleep cos im paranoid at night about things that go bump- living or dead.  i haven't gotten the free time i've been promised because we are still figuring out a schedule and adjusting and audrey seems to know there is change and is ..... well..... acting out a little more than usual.  could just be the age she's at, but whatever.  she has also grown very attached to her blankie. 

i have a whole small house to clean up and reorganize and decorate, so if anyone has any good thrift stores near them that have fun stuff, let me know.  i need things on the cheap!
im excited for life change, for ME time, for space, and for clarity.  it's the first time in a long time i feel like myself again.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

ignoring the obvious

i have a pile of homework for the week staring straight at my face, but instead, i feel the need to write.  i made a very hard decision this week.  i chose to end a relationship of 4 years and disintegrate the little family i have.  why do you ask?  because i finally came clean.  i received some very harsh words from someone i barely know which shook me awake in the most necessarily violent way.  suddenly i realized i was doing no one, not the bf, not audrey, and definitely not me, any good at all by living a lie.  i was NOT happy.  i tried.  i tried for 3 years, for audrey, for people's convincing, for people's "kind" words informing me how im ruining everyones' lives by wanting to leave and get some space to clear my head and get a handle on things.

thats what ive been taught to understand... that im being selfish for wanting space and selfish for feeling like i need to be able to breathe and most certainly selfish for needing time.  then just call me ms. selfish.  im doing no one any good by staying "comfortable" in my situation and outwardly smiling while internally frowning.  things build up over the years and one just then implodes.  and i did.

but i feel the most amazing sense of freedom right now.  i feel like a 50 ton elephant has been lifted off my chest and for the first time in a long time, i can take a breath.  i know things are going to be ridiculously hard.  owning a house, going to school and work, and taking care of a child with limited funds is definitely going to be a challenge and even IF i find a roommate, still a challenge in a house with only 2 rooms.  so dear reader, im bracing myself for some torrential storms ahead, but i feel as if i have one week of sunshine before the flood.  and im going to relish every single moment i have in the sun.  i've started coming clean with people ive hurt too.   i just feel this amazing feeling to be honest and apologize to everyone about anything. it just feels so good.  i've been hiding for so long and just knowing that things will work themselves out and i can finally take care of myself, it feels incredible.

so now.... the child and her dad are moving into someone's house and i still have my house... we split up an amicable schedule and worked out child support without involving the courts.... now he's actually moving out.  it's hard cos he's been my best friend for 4 years.  we've been thru a lot of good and bad times, a lot of fun and a lot of fighting.  i wanna end it all on a high note.  i wanna end it all on a smile instead of tears.  i know that will be impossible but.... i can hope. 

so there's that.  im coming out of hiding and embracing the first day of this new chapter in my life.  one step at a time, one hurdle at a time, and life will be just fine.  i dont know where this crazy road is taking me, but i am going to go. 

Thursday, November 24, 2011

lost in the dark

ive been standing on this thin black line
waivering between the sides
afraid to move for fear of falling down

pushed myself farther out
than i thought was possible to travel
but ive forgotten where is home

your words took me from this height
with a cold hard slap in the face last nite
and im scared of where ive landed
but finally feel found

ive been lying to myself for many days
afraid that my life would be taken away
im standing in the crumbled remains of myself

uncertain where the darkness has me now
not sure if i ever will get out of it alive but
i know im taking the first steps of the rest of my life

your words cut me to the core
with a cold hard stab and then some more
im not sure of where ive landed or whether ill be found
but i feel like i can finally breathe now
maybe i can be free now

Saturday, November 19, 2011

holding out or giving up?

ever since i was about 15 years old, i day-dreamed of a prince charming with brown hair, blue eyes, some facial hair, maybe some tattoos, and gallantly introducing himself by means of a guitar and song.  needless to say, NO ONE i have ever dated has been this man.  i had close.... light brown hair, blue eyes, facial hair and NO tattoos or music skill, OR musical skills with brown hair and brown eyes and NO tattoos, or none of the above completely.  i thought he was a myth, because why, any time i did think i found this said fellow, he belonged to another or simply was not attracted to me?
so, do i hold out or give up? 
im not entirely happy at this moment with where things are in my life.  i feel that i deserve better most days.  i feel that this prince charming will "get me" if i ever find him. 
am i being absolutely ludicrous and need to head down a more sane and settling path, or do i hold out for this possible hopeful?
every time i think i find him, i turn into a spastic little puppy, wanting to know right then and there if he is right, and then i frighten him away only to never know and be dubbed a psychopath.  deep down, i swear im 13 years old.
maybe one day i will meet this gallant prince that strolls about with songs he plays for me, or maybe, maybe this person is a dream.... someone to write such blogs about and have good dreams at night.
i suppose i will never know until my time here is done, or until he finds me first.

Friday, October 7, 2011

procastinating with an empty cereal bowl

so, i started school AGAIN for the 4th or 5th time now on monday.  needless to say, my procrastinating ways, loathe for capital letters, and crazy schedule with audrey have me swamped in week one.  thankfully, my medical assisting program is only 2 years (hopefully less if enough needed credits transfer over from my previous college attempts).  also, i get scrubs (which i look awesome in), and a stethoscope to play with.  i overloaded my schedule though.... 14 credits with MY life right now is NOT a good plan. 
i feel like in a way i am failing audrey.  i feel like im the worst mom ever.  so many other kids her age are being potty trained, know more words, and have less tantrums.  of course i start school when she's in a big part of her development.  of course if i AM home, im distracted by all the medical terminology books and flashcards that need attending to.  my favorite part of the nite is snuggling on the couch with her watching the simpsons or something.  i know she knows i love her and i know that she loves me.  i just wish i could be there for her MORE and not feel so drained.  growing up with a shithole family life, i just want to give her way more than i ever had.  my mom was always tired and out on dates with guys and never spent much time with us.  i don't want that for audrey.  i want her to know her mom is her bff, always there for her, and someone she can rely on and turn to.  and YES she's not even 2 and im acting like she's 15, but....
so, i finished my granola, ate my banana, and have an empty coke can staring at me.  it's time for homework but all i can do is listen to music and want to write .... if i werent at work, i would be at home playing.  the music industry never treated me kindly but i still miss it.  the medical field is a challenge which, as my therapist told me long ago, is something i need.  i sell myself so short on so many levels.  i dont believe in myself as much as i should.  i always want the impossible.  always.  i always want what i cant have.  im always reaching farther than my 5'3" frame allows me the ability to grasp. 
why is that such a bad thing though?  because i am constantly falling down and it hurts.  my body is so scraped and bruised from falling and failing and the misses and lack of hits.  maybe one day.
one day seems to be the anthem of my life.
i turned into a debbie downer again.  at least i have audrey, and a house that i own, and enough to get by, and the start on an amazing journey to a potentially great job.  maybe this is my one day to finish what i've started and be something to be proud of. 

Sunday, September 4, 2011

liar liar pants on fire!

i don't know why i believe people.  the human race, particularly the male gender, is extremely untrustworthy.  i don't know why i get this urge to give someone the benefit of the doubt and then get nothing but the opposite of my expectations. 

i don't get the point in lying.  don't get me wrong... i've said my fair share of wrong things.... but when YOU are the one constantly accusing someone of lying and then yourself get caught in a lie.... something's just seriously wrong there.  that makes me start to doubt every last word said.  now what else are you lying about?  what else HAVE you lied about?

i must have the word "SUCKER" tattooed on my forehead because i keep getting the run around from every last person i meet. 

i have been so angry most of the day.  im pretty much a single parent even tho the baby's dad lives with us.  i work, will be havin some school work soon, take care of the baby, take care of the house, do all the cooking and laundry, take care of the bills and finances, and try to take care of me.  somehow a 40 hour a week desk job is far more taxing than  my life and he needs more breaks than me.  not to mention that my overnite weekend shifts leave me drained and tired since he'll watch her for about 5 hours so i can sleep before he teaches a class.  REALLY? 
when we go to friends' parties with her i end up having to watch her 90% of the time so he can socialize and drink.  REALLY?  i think i've honestly forgotten how to converse with adults except other moms (who i know are adults, but are very aware of the feelings i have.... well most....).

i cant tell you how enraged i was tonite when i found out i was lied to and said person was not in fact, lost as they claimed to be for 2 hours, but was out with friends still hanging out even tho he promised he was coming home so i could see him before i went to work.  lies.  LIES FROM THE WOLF!!

i dunno why it effected me so, but i became so mad i was shaking.  i realized i need a physical outlet so i think im going to try muay thai once a week and do bjj once a week.  i definitely need to take my rage out on some bags and thru choking people.

maybe its the lack of sleep that has me so wound up, but...i just cant take being lied to.  i cant take bearing the load i have and always being made to feel like im doing something wrong or just not doing enough.  i am so emotionally void and drained that i don't know how to give love or anything to anyone.  i feel like i am a shell of the person i once was with no hope of returning.  it's like im watching myself from outside my body do the things i do and say the things i say, and then, for certain parts in the day, i return to myself to cry and feel something, and then turn and run outside of myself again.

one day i would like to know what it is like to be genuinely loved, like the way that i love audrey.  she can push every last button on me, yet still.... i cant help want to hold her and kiss her fat cheeks and smile at her.  i cant help but stare in awe at her because i just LOVE her so deeply.  i can honestly say as much as every male i have been with SAYS they felt that way about me, it's pure bullshit.  even the nicest and most well meaning threw me aside for sports and alcohol.  one day i would like to know what it is like to be loved in that regard.  i want to know how to give love to someone else again too.

one day....

Sunday, August 28, 2011

disappointed in humanity

i don't know why after 28 years on this planet i still have expectations that are this high.  i am constantly let down and disappointed of promises to be different.
"we wont be the 'mean girls' that you were friends with before.  we hate those types." 
"i'm not like other guys.  i really do just want to be friends." 
"we totally have to hang out more!  you're like the one girl i can get along with."
"i care about you."

oh humanity how you disappoint me on so many levels.  if being a hermit were an option, i might just do it.  there are a few people that have surprised me with how they've come out of the woodwork and been the most amazing, supportive people that i never knew i should count on.  those that promised and swore and gave me very sweet and lofty things to chew on..... well assholes, i choked and gagged and threw up your bullshit, so take THAT!

im so sick of headache and heartache.  it's like a drank a bottle of tequilla and woke up 4 hours later to go to work.  it just feels disgusting and there's no fun involved.

god damn liars and selfish pricks.  everyone takes what they want from me when they need it and when i just want someone to be around, they vanish as if i have used up every last ounce of their supply of "person."  how tiring it must be to be so popular and needed.  

i give up on you humanity.  you all promise the same and deliver the same- empty nonsense.


Thursday, August 25, 2011

heartache

i wish i knew what i did to make you stop talking to me.
i wish i knew why you lied the way you did.
i wish i knew why you didnt care at all when i told you how i felt.
my heart hurts so much.
you promised to be so much more and in turn, you are so much less.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

it's amazing how empty you make me feel
when i wait hours to hear from you
and some bullshit response is more than enough
it sends me to the moon

it's amazing how used you make me feel
when all you want  is touch touch and kiss
it's not to say i dont want it to
but there's got to be more than this

it's amazing how drained you make me
it's amazing i'm still here
it's amazing how tired you leave me
it's amazing i still care

it's amazing how little i trust you now
the words you carelessly say
i'm not sure what other girl
gets talked to the same way

it's amazing how lonely you make me
hanging on every last refrain
waiting for your next sugar coated line
to send me off to space

it's amazing how much i like you
it's amazing im not so sane
it's amazing how far i feel i've gotten
it's amazing i'm here again



Sunday, August 14, 2011

my dear, you feel so permanent

i feel like i've been waiting
for you for a while. 
the feeling is so strange
and yet i want more

im haunted by songs
that make me want you nearby
and it's never intentional
just a friendly reminder



i wouldnt say that this is ideal
or how i thought things would be
i never planned for this
this simply isnt my thing


you race through my mind
in ways i cant control
and in ways i wish
would slow down or cease. 

all i can say is
i hope im not making a mistake
in testing out the waters
and seeing if this is right


i see sorrow and sadness in one future
and smiles and possibilities on the other
yet moving  in a direction has me paralyzed
i dont want to go the wrong way

i feel like i've been waiting for something
for someone kinda like you
i feel like i can breathe and be at ease
just for a minute til it's time to move

maybe for once im supposed to
just enjoy the moment im in,
hold your hand and take a breath
and take it all from there...

Saturday, August 13, 2011

post it notes are helpful reminders

oh the things you remind me of!
why i need to be alone
why i should always keep my guard up
and never let it fall

oh the things you remind me of!
why i should set the pace so slow
why i should always walk instead of run
i guess now i know

oh the things you remind me of!
why i should turn a deaf ear
why i should keep my senses off
to all you think you are

oh the things you remind me of!
why i hate and curse and blame
why i enjoy solace in every hour
to keep my heart from pain

oh the things you remind me of!
why i never should believe
the lying shit coming from your lips
it happened again to me

lines from a script

i waited on you all nite to say hello
waited for a while but you never did show
i waited on you all nite to notice me
waited for forever but it never came to be

so i walked home alone with the breeze
softly touching all the places i wanted you to be
whispering sweet nothings in my ear
making me feel not so alone right here

i stood beneath the moonlight sky
hung on your porch just for a little while
maybe you'd be home i thought inside
but the lights were off, so i drove away

i laid awake in bed, it was 3 am
alone and sad, cos i missed you friend
you never came like you said you would
all the things you said are now no good

i reread every letter that you ever sent
the words seem so staged, not so present tense
not sure what to believe from your filthy lips
i'll shut my eyes to ignore all this bitterness

that's what i get for believing you
for trusting any word you said as true
i'll burn the notes you wrote and letters sent
every line you stole straight from a movie script

i'm better off, you're not what you seemed
your little game, i was just another piece
your ego has you flying high and far away from me
i'm better off without your flattery







oh irrational me

the places my mind goes
are sometimes not so safe
friendless faces, quickened paces
i need a better place

the places my heart goes
are sometimes just so plain
barren wasteland, i've got no plan
on how to get away

oh irrational me
how you do me wrong
oh rational me
you turn my sorrows into songs
but irrational me
you have seem to have overtaken
what was left of me lyin here

the places my words go
are sometimes not so bad
soapbox dancing, sometimes laughing
i expected so much less

the places my love goes
is sometimes far away
from where my hands can quickly reign it
back into my hiding place


oh irrational me
how you do me wrong
oh rational me
you turn my sorrows into songs
but irrational me
you have seem to have overtaken
what was left of me lyin here

Thursday, August 11, 2011

these scars upon my knees

my head is aching from the words
you've beaten in my brain
my body's tired from the blood
lost and down the drain

all these crazy thoughts
have led me to believe
i'm better off on my own
than to keep on listening

do i go down with the ship
or jump before it sinks?
my mind's racing in the moment
no time left to think
 i've forgotten how to swim
and the fear envelopes me
either way im going down
to the bottom of the sea

and every kiss feels
like an empty page
stained with the words
you feel you have to say

and every touch feels
like a slap to the face
stinging with resentment
full of hurt and pain

do i go down with the ship
or jump before it sinks?
my mind's racing in the moment
no time left to think
 i've forgotten how to swim
and the fear envelopes me
either way im going down
to the bottom of the sea

i try to run away from this
but fall on everything
it's hard to run far from this
with these scars upon my knees







Tuesday, July 26, 2011

maybe it's time

im not posting this on facebook because of all the people that are tattling on me or prying into my business in other ways by saying things behind my back to the obvious other party involved in this situation.  so this will remain here for whoever cares to read.

so, i think it's time.  the past 3 days have been nothing but explosive arguments that my poor daughter has been privy to witness.  it sucks to see the fear in her eyes and hear her cry.  i cant stand it.  she has become extra clingy and fearful of strangers.

im worried because financially, neither of us are very stable.  im even selling my guitar so i can make some extra money.  i know that i just have to put my little one first and things will fall into place as they need to.  i need to just take deep breaths, be prepared to make some necessary sacrifices and changes and buckle down and be the best mom i can be for her.

i see the fear in her eyes when we argue and know that this is NOT the best that i promised to provide for her.  so i think it's time....  a break to start .... and then who knows.

Friday, July 22, 2011

maybe it isnt just me....

maybe i'm not the only one stuck in this vortex of frustration.  maybe i'm not the only one tired of the highs and lows of this relationship carousel that just wont stop. 
is the sanctity of marriage or of a relationship just bullshit?  i mean honestly, this has been a perpetual pattern by the male gender to be sweet and thoughtful and romantic and dorky- all the things us girls secretly love deep down, only to wait for us to be reeled in and smitten and then kick back and coast.  then the arguments happen, then people cheat, then people get upset and sad, then people either become destructive or break up.
this is the cycle of relationships i have known. 

i mean honestly, is it just that the male gender is lazy and slow or is that women have expectations that are just too high?  is it that men really have no idea or that women spend too much time watching romantic comedies and get a warped view of reality? 

::sigh::

i'd like to hope things can be better.  i'd like to hope that one day i can be privy to the dorkiness of love and a functional relationship and not just have it peak at one year and go on the roller coaster ride thereafter.

i'm sure it exists somewhere... but where is it?

Thursday, July 21, 2011

the fork in the road is a roadblock

i'm nearly at my wits end.  every day another accusation.  every day another feeling of lowliness and like i am constantly in the wrong.  i wonder what it's like to do something right aside from my pedestrian masterpieces in the kitchen.  i wonder what it's like to have a healthy balance of understanding and trust.  that certainly is not the case for me.  every day i am accused and stared at like i bear a scarlet letter.  it's enough to do one's own head in. 
i carry a lot of weight.  so much so that my body is starting to suffer.  i will admit i am at fault on a certain spectrum.  i will admit i'm not the most affectionate and patient person around.  i will admit that.  i wont, however, carry guilt and blame for things i have not done.
i feel incredibly dead inside.  the only spark of life i get is from a 16 month old little wonder that greets me with morning snuggles and big smiles.  aside from her, i feel an aching void where i once had a spark and a steady sound.  it's cold to live in an echoing, soundless cavern.  i miss the sounds of noise and music.  i miss the squeals of laughter.  i miss those things.  it's a rare thing to hear them anymore.
i find my patience is at an all time low, the bags under my eyes have their own bags, my stomach is constantly churning itself into a knotted knot, and my house is no longer a place i want to call "home." 
i wish there were only a quick fix.  a flick of a switch, a push of a few buttons, some magic words, and "PRESTO!"  instant sanity!  unfortunately reality is not that amazing. 
i had this amazing goal to stay positive in my 28th year.  it is proving to be harder and harder as each day progresses and my situations are at a stand still.  i am trying to be patient and know that there is a light at the end of this long and ever winding tunnel, but it's hard when your flashlight's run out of batteries and you're surrounded by darkness on every side.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

polident smiles

i keep being reminded by quite a few sweet, dear friends of mine to be positive.
it's nice to constantly have that reminder, but sometimes.... damn it, sometimes i just wanna be pissed off and angry and sad and whiny.  sometimes i want to be allowed to have a self-destructive streak without being reminded that i'm not acting appropriately.

maybe it's my adult nature wanting to lash out like a child.  maybe it's because i simply feel too dead and tired to pick my guitar up and write a song.

i don't know that i am completely happy with all the choices that have led me to where i am now.  i dont know that i really want to deal with the weight of change to bring me to a place where i assume i'll be happy.  the grass is always greener right?  what if there is no grass?  what if there is a girl, sitting on a fence, staring at mud?  what if there's nothing but mud?  what do i have to compare anything to?

it sucks that deep down i do know where i want to be and am too afraid to move.  or, i take baby steps and am constantly frustrated with my progress, or lack thereof. 

it also sucks that im so overemotional.  i never know if my unhappiness stems from being on the far side of things.  what if everything is fine but my warped girl-tastic mind has stretched it to somewhere it is nowhere near?

my heart says one thing and my brain says another.  then there's my "gut".... the ever ignored common sense generator.  that has become mute in my small world.

and what a small world i have.  i escalate the tiniest issues and make mountains out of grains of sand.  am i that bored and boring?

i gave up on meditation a while ago because i just cant make my brain shut off for a few minutes.  i'm contemplating returning to that once more.  i wonder if i just took a step back and lived in the moment, embracing the here and now, if my outlook on the present would change, or if i would be more motivated to follow through with change..... would i see things the same or would they be much different from what i think they are now?

i carry so much guilt and fear .... vulnerable little me will broadcast it to whomever is reading.  i want so much that i feel guilty.  im fearful to go after what i want.  im afraid of letdown and rejection and failure.  im afraid of making a mistake that will ultimately ruin what crumbling remains i have left to stand on.  i feel guilty for wanting change... for assuming i deserve better and not being content with what is now.  is that my real problem?  am i just not content enough?  am i just so greedy?  will i ever be content?  it's like after i had audrey, my mind snapped and i want this massive life overhaul.  is it that i finally woke up or is it that i'm being a demanding child, kicking and screaming for what i want and demanding it now?



it's amazing what 4am does to the brain.  my fingers can't type fast enough as the thoughts are flooding out... i have so much on my mind and this electronic therapist is offering no suggestions to my many questions and dilemas.

Friday, July 15, 2011

a break from mommy-ing

audrey and i are like joined at the hip, except when i'm working or if she's at daycare.  it is a rare moment that she is home and i am out with friends.... very rare.  i made it a point though this 28th year of my life to start making ME more of a priority.  i know i'm a good mom, i know i have only her best interests in mind, and i know i put her way more than first in my life.... so what's wrong with ME time?  nothing, that's what.

it has been bizarre the 2x i did get to go hang out with friends without her... i forgot how sarcastic i am.  i forgot how dorky i am.  i forgot how much i like to laugh.  i forgot how interested i am in hearing adults conversing on even the most far off topic from what i understand.  i forgot how much i love being around large groups of people and watching others i don't know in crowded public places.

i'm not going to feel bad no matter how much i'm made to sometimes.  i am a 28 year old woman with a child.  i'm a mom AND a 28 year old woman.  i can be both.  sometimes i feel kind of bad cos my weekends are shot from needing sleep to do my overnight shifts, but my once or twice a month excursions out of the confines of my house shouldn't be laden with guilt.  i should get to remember the joys of laughter and being a person, and being energized from that high come home to my sweet little lady who needs a happy mom and a mom that knows who she is.

i cant say i entered my 28th year of life with a handle on that very well.  i cant say i was genuinely happy, aware of myself, or anywhere CLOSE to feeling like a real person.  i CAN say however, that since aging, i feel a new found sense of courage and assurance.  i'm not a bad mom for needing a few nights out in a month.  i'm not a bad mom for needing NON-mom friends as well AS mom-friends.  i'm not a bad mom for having fun without my kid.  i'm not a bad mom for coming home after 1am.  i'm not a bad mom for simply needing a break.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

ready to quit on humanity

im at my wits end with people.  i assume the absolute best in everyone.  i assume the best until .... STAB STAB STAB!   ouch.  i put myself out there like a human target, arms wide open, ready to embrace anyone and everyone and give until i have nothing left with whatever free time i can muster up..... and then.... PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH!  ouch.

i think im just ready to give up on people.  im tired of being let down, snubbed, and bailed on.  im tired of people trying to spare my feelings or ignoring me completely.  im tired of lies and flattery.

just wish people would be honest like i assume they are.  maybe i just should start assuming the worst in everyone and then i wont be hurt so much when they let me down, lead me astray, or snub me completely.

i thought i left high school 10 years ago, but i guess it still carries on....

Sunday, July 10, 2011

things could always be worse

i felt free for a moment.  i had a direction, a course, a path i was going to follow regardless of the obstacle.  then came the downpour.  then also came some sunshine.  then came some hail that gave me cuts and bruises....  and now i feel as if i am sitting on the side of the road admiring my battle wounds.  current situations feel like salt being poured into the deepest ones.  sometimes it's like im crying out in pain and more salt just keeps getting poured on.  i'm being told it's for the better, that good things will come of it.... but all i feel right now is a stinging pain where my heart used to be.

i do the math and nothing adds up.  i think back and regret my choices.  i find myself thinking too long and too hard about things that are not as they somehow should be.  my body feels heavy.  my head feels hollow.

i know this is only a temporary train of thought though.  it's 3 in the morning, i'm overtired and working overnight.  of course melancholy drama is going to seep into whatever open pores are available.

i want better.  i want to be genuinely happy.  i want all the negative nancys out of my life and all the phonies and fakes away from me...  i want to surround myself with happy people, with good people, with nice people.  i dont want arguing and drama.  i dont want dissension and blame round the clock.  sometimes i feel as if i bear some unnamed guilt in my sleep... i would accept it if i believed it were true.

my thoughts are as loose and incoherent as someone that's put away one too many.

i should stop here before i say something i regret.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

optimism paid off

i made it a birthday goal to make 28 a year of thinking positively, of making better and healthier mental and physical changes in my life, and so far, it's been rough.  i wanted to get on here and just type long stories of how i have conquered the demons in my brain pushing me to think such negative and sad things.  i want to say that my life is unfolding in the most positive light and everything is coming up sunshine and daffodils.  but no.  dear reader, no.

things have been much harder than i anticipated.  things started off much more heavy than i would have liked.  but that's life i suppose.  things are not always going to be smiley faces and shiny stars or go the exact way i want or have planned.  unfortunately life is like a carousel full of creepy horses, scary music, and constant up and downs being controlled by a short fat carnie that wont stop the damn ride. 

i have been making a more conscious effort to think positively.  i can sometimes have a really shit attitude.  i think the universe is against me.  i think people hate me.  i think no one wants to be around me and everything is going to go horribly wrong.  i have this like apocalyptic mindset where i'm trying to prepare for the worst, for every natural disaster before it's even happened.  i try to brace myself for the fall that just may be coming.

it is SO stressful to live like that!  good grief!  all my efforts are spent stressing myself out about things that haven't yet happened and might not.  i never just enjoy the moment and embrace what is.  and i miss out on a lot.  i miss out on SO much.

well, today, i didnt.  i went to work tired, cranky, and with the weight of my own personal world on my shoulders.  i went with not the best attitude at all to deal with 6 residents that need a lot of attention and one on one care.  i walked through the door with a headache, tired, and really not having the urge to be there.  and then, i dug in deep, and had a pretty fun night.  i let the weight of the outside world come off, let my guard down, and actually.... had fun!  i laughed, i watched "The Music Man" with a resident, ate a cookie, and ... i laughed.  i enjoyed the company of my coworkers.  i enjoyed the company of my residents.  and i noticed, one particular resident i was paired with was a lot more helpful today than normal.  i wasnt anticipating the worst, and she gave me the best! 

28 is going to be a life-altering year.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

another year gone

every birthday i sort of just sit and reflect on the year past and debate whether or not i made good use of it.  it all started when i turned 19.  i had been extremely suicidal and depressed most of my adolescence.  one year, all my friends that i had come to know in my new "homestate" were out of town or out of the country, so i was pretty much alone.  i took a walk to a bridge and stared out at the water.  i started thinking about jumping.  i began to think about drowning.  and then something cracked me upside the head and i realized, i'd made it another year.  maybe my life wasn't perfect or exactly where i wanted it, but i'd made it.  i didnt quit.

since then, every year i make sure i spend some time by myself and just reflect on the past year and see where i'm at.  sometimes it's a rude awakening, other times i feel very proud and accomplished.

so .... 27. what a rough year.  it was a total blur.  i was learning how to be a mommy and be a working mommy at that.  i made a lot of life changing decisions.  i quit a semi-stable job with pretty decent income to take a pay cut to be able to go back to school.  but after years of griping and complaining, i'm there.  i start in october.  i grew a lot personally i think.  some of that i attribute to being a parent and having to be a grown up even when i just want to lash out like a child or act inappropriately.  i came to terms with a lot of things about me i never wanted to face or deal with before.  i cowered.  i caved.  i gave in to fear.  i made new friends.  i lost a ton of weight.  i grew more confident and then had all that confidence run into hiding. 

so this year... 28....
what will become of me this year?
well, for starters, i'm going back to school and should be done before i'm 30.  i am working on saving money so i can go do things i want to do for a change.  i am being more forward and direct with what i want and not having any shame about it.  i am going to ask for help.  i am going to learn to love who i am, body and all.  i am going to work hard and strive for better.  i'm not going to settle for things because they are convenient.  i see big changes on the horizon.  big things and better things.  i dont know in what areas of my life they'll come, but i feel as if chapters are closing and as much as i enjoyed reading that same chapter over and over, it's time to move on so i can finish the book before it's due back at the library and i get charged an astronomical fee.  this year, i am going to be "selfish."  i am going to make sure that i get ME time.  i'm not going to feel guilty for it.  i am a great mom, i work hard, and do a lot.  i deserve it.  im going to stick up for myself this year and not get walked all over and taken advantage of.  i dont deserve that. 

this is a year i dont want to waste on pessimism and anger.  this is a year i dont want to wallow in self pity and sadness.  this is a year that i want to be productive and meaningful.  this is a year i have no shame in the person that i am and am becoming.  this is a year that i accept me for me.  this is a year for change and for better things.  this is going to be a good year.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

neighborly love

i'm not sure what ethnicity they are, hmong or thai ... and i know that those are 2 very different cultures, i'm just not sure, and not sure how to ask.
regardless... they are the most wonderful neighbors.  for starters, the man (i cant spell his name but it is pronounced like THAI) will mow part of our curb grass for us and in the winter will shovel part of our sidewalk for us.  the women that live there will try very hard to speak english with me and i speak to their children and their children enjoy our cat and audrey. 
today though, our neighbors went above and beyond.  im not sure how many people live in their house... sometimes i see about 8 children running around the yard and a few older children coming and going, and other times i barely see anyone.  they gave us a small, but beautifully grilled whole fish with the head cut off and the belly was stuffed with the most amazing herbs and chilies.  i have not had fresh fish for a long time, let alone prepared that way.  i can not even begin to explain the feeling that it gave me.  mind you, i have an issue with food and eating and my body size right now anyway, but.... oh my gosh i could have eaten that forever.  i just wanted to keep exploring all of the different flavors that were hitting all the different corners in my mouth.
along with that piece of fish came a handful of freshly grown cilantro.  that is my FAVORITE herb!

while we had a power outage this evening, he was outside (and i forgot to ask again where he's from) but i did tell him how amazing that fish was.  he said he would try to teach me what he did.... im not so sure how good it will work out, but i sure hope i can get a lesson in some measure.

i really want to travel.  i want to go to other countries and eat.  haha.... says the girl with the mild eating disorder.  but seriously, i want to learn about other cultures through their food.  i want to learn what spices they use and what is popular in their country to eat.  for many people, cooking is a way of showing love, not just a means to a basic necessity such as eating.  i think it would be really amazing to learn to cook all these different cultural dishes.  it excites me... just recalling the amazing reaction in my mouth when i tasted what the belly of the fish was stuffed with..... mmmmm!

i love my neighbors.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

to keep my tired eyes from closing

i'm doing my overnite shift.  i worked too fast.  i am out of things to do.  i barely got ANY sleep Friday afternoon because my neighborhood is LOUD!  i need earplugs.  i swear i am going to invest in some.  i worked too fast, have nothing to do for tomorrow really so doing extra is really out of the question right now, and coffee is failing miserably.  i thought if i just began typing all the random nonsense that is running amok in my brain, maybe oh maybe that would keep me awake for 4 more hours.... where i will go home and have to watch my daughter for 5 hours until her dad comes to get her so i can get some sleep.  i dont think that will be a problem!  (insert heaping portion of sarcasm).... i am enviously listening to 5 residents snoring away.... oh how i hate them right now!  (i do love them but right now because i'm so tired, i hate them haha!)

i've been thinking of course about relationships.  it feels like i am stuck on a carousel constantly going up and down and around and around.  i just want off the damn horse and the jackass running the ride wont stop it.  i'm dizzy and sick and just can take no more.  but the music keeps me on.  the joys of carefree childlike abandon keep me somewhere that i'm not sure i belong any more. 

i wonder what the future is going to bring.  already i feel insanely overwhelmed.  'ask for help' is the constant theme of advice and when you have turned yourself into a broken record with the same public service announcement and have seen no results, it's almost better off not saying anything at all anymore.  i feel burdened by fatigue and even by parenthood.  not to say i don't love and adore my beautiful little lady.  she is the sweetest thing and on days where my mood is pure shit, she pulls me from the dumps with a smile or a hug and brings me back to life again.  it's the other responsibilities of life that i think put such a damper on the joys of being a mom.  when you have an unsupportive partner, that doesnt help.  when he is delusional as to how much he contributes and wont see otherwise, that doesnt help.  when your unsupportive partner has 3x a week where he gets an outlet/hobby and you get zero, that doesnt help.  when you work 32 hours a week, watch your daughter 4-6 days a week on top of working, you get tired.  when you also bear the burden of 90% of the housework, the cooking, the bills and budgeting on top of all the previously stated parts of life....yeah summed up, i am one tired mama.

i know single moms have it way worse.  i know there are plenty of people worse off than me in general... im trying to stay positive and see the light at the end of the tunnel but i really cant any more.  it has grown bleak and narrow.  the same conversations with the same outcomes.

im starting school in october.  october 3 to be exact.  in under 2 years i am going to have a degree.... a real degree.  crazy.  im so worried though.  if i'm this burned out now, i dont even think i want to KNOW myself after a few months of school. 

i feel so dead.  i need an outlet... a healthy outlet.  at this point all i have is an overwhelming amount of fatigue and an unhealthy obsession with my body weight and size.... i hate it.  i gained 70 pounds when i was pregnant.  i got up to like 200 pounds and im 5'2" and some change.  now im down to 125 and have the post pregnancy flab and just cant stand it.  the number is never good enough.  the size is never good enough.  all my jeans are sliding off without needing to be undone and yet its not good enough for me.  my goal was to be 115 by july and i havent seen the number move much.  mostly cos my knees have turned to royal shit and i cant do much of anything for exercise until i get them checked (which might result in surgery whenever i get some insurance).  i dont not eat like an anorexic or purge like a bulemic.... but it plagues me.  day and night it is on my mind.  i have a sick compulsion to just grab the places that i feel are too big and just stare at them in a mirror when i am stripped down to nothing before and after my shower.  i weigh myself 4x a day as if the number will change by what i eat or dont eat that day.  i stare at my unfavored spots in my daughter's mirror when we are sitting and playing in her room.  i wonder who thinks im a fat mom.  i wonder who stares at me with the same intent and disgust as myself.  yeah i probably have a problem here but.... i dealt with similar things when i was 15 and came around ....im sure this too shall pass.

i feel though as if everyone i know will or wont befriend me based on my weight and size.  i feel as if new people wont befriend me because of my size.  i feel as if i cant ever be loved or accepted because of my trouble spots.  and even now, in my hopeless fatigue, i sit and stare and poke and pull at all of the demons on my body ....

curse the man or woman that deemed skeletal figures "socially acceptable" and "beautiful."  perfectly carefree people such as myself lose ourselves in this quest for social normality and acceptance. 

i feel like i have had missed opportunities because of how i dont look.  i mean, in all honesty, im short.  i look 15.  im curvy and not toned in all the right places.  i wear glasses.  i dont usually wear makeup or do my hair.  my clothes are more functional than trendy.  my shoes are usually chucks or flip flops and not designer labels.  i dont carry a purse.  i dont have an iphone or a blackberry.  i drink my coffee black and strong.  i like my music indie and mellow.  i drive the speed limit most of the time.  sometimes i flip annoying people off.  im nearly 28 years old and have never completed college and don't have a "career."  my house is 96 years old roughly and is in the hood.  i don't go out and party.  i went to a bible college and was brainwashed for 7 years of my life to believe that a certain way of life and believing was more "right" than any other.  i grew up poor.  i never got to travel the world and have my mid-twenties adventure.  i fear being alone and stay places for longer than i should.  i don't listen to my gut.  i let a lot of amazing people go.  i let a lot of amazing opportunities go.

i try not to get down on my 28 years of existence.  i try to look at the positive... i lost 78 pounds in a year and a half roughly.  i am enrolled in school for something i want to do and can do.  i have a beautiful daughter that is bright and loving and funny and amazing.  i look so casual daily that when i DO dress up i am quite a fox.  i have a couple of medals for jiu jitsu and judo that not many can call their own.  i own a house.  i played guitar and played shows at the fine line for a year once a month.  i have come in contact with some stellar people.  i am really social.  i had a kid pretty early so there's still time for an adventure.

i just need my brain to snap back into reality so things can make sense again.  i need to stop looking at myself as a shell of a person and regain confidence in what truly makes me tick.  i need to stop focusing entirely on the exterior of myself and understand that what makes me tick is pretty fuckin great.  i need to believe in myself and believe that i know what's  best for me and can handle tough times.... i mean shit, if i grew up in what i did and came out the hard workin mom that i am.... yeah, i can handle almost anything. 

i think i just get tired .... i get tired of reading blogs of friends whose parents fly them all over the world, whose jobs are amazing and they're only 23, who go to shows and have extensive cd/vinyl collections, who have a vast support system and get to hang out with their friends weekly, who are living the life they planned and seem to be extremely happy.... i get tired of always having to put my nose to the grind and dig.  i want the chance to coast.  im tired of just getting by and having no fun money or time for fun.  im tired of feeling lost.  im tired of being outlandish and childish.  im 28 in one week and one day for crying out loud.  28?!?!

i always imagined things differently for myself by now. what i have instead is quasi-satisfaction. maybe it's time i stop settling and run with the dream i have in hand and go get it? 

all i know is that this bout of rambling has left me in the same boat i was in before but has killed quite a large portion of time that would have been spent with me trying to keep my head off the counter.  thank you blog and thank you reader for giving my shift a sense of purpose again.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

"the day you stop learning is the day you stop living"

maybe things are looking up....


well, i had a massive mental overhaul the other day and things i think are finally on the upswing.... although there are a few people still that make my heart sting with their blatant ignoring me, but.... maybe there's a reason they're inching their way away from me.  maybe they're not the people i thought they were after all. 


i BEYOND passed my placement tests for school, got accepted, and realized i will soon be in debt up to my eyeballs, but ....i will have accomplished something.  i will have an associates degree in SOMETHING I WANT TO DO AND CAN DO!  i dont think ive been more determined about something (except when i was training for BJJ AMERICAN NATIONALS 3 years ago).  even then, i had to prove all the guys wrong that told me i was stupid for going and would lose right away.  i got a gold medal on  my mantle that says otherwise.  same with getting my associates in medical assisting.  this is something i know i can and want to do.  i can test out of some things and am determined to just go full swing and get it done earlier than the 2 year assumed end date. 

for once, i feel focused.  for once, i feel driven.  i want to put everyone in their place for quitting on me and put myself in my place for quitting on me.

on a non selfish note, audrey is thriving greatly!  the doctor was very impressed with her cognitive skills, how much she understands like when you give her a direction to do something, her imaginative skills, and the fact that she says more than 5 "words."  it was also a sweet and refreshing thing to hear from her doctor that i am doing a fantastic job and am a great mom.   i dont always feel at my best or that i'm doing anything right, but ... life is all about learning.  the day you stop learning is the day you stop living.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

life: an eternal high school

i dont even know if anyone reads these things but sometimes i feel it ever so necessary to just get my thoughts down and out of my crowded brain.
for anyone like me, you werent the popular kid ever.  and i mean ever.  i cant remember having hoards of friends growing up.  just a few close ones that stuck by me through merciless teasing and school yard brawls.  yes whoever is reading this, i got into some fisticuffs in my hayday. 

i just feel like my adulthood has become a never ending reminder of high school.  all these social mediums we parade ourselves around on are probably the worst at it... lets start back at the beginning.  remember when instant messages were the thing to be doing.  i remember being 15 and staying up til the wee hours of the morning talking to strangers and friends..... the popularity contest then was who had more contacts than who.  then it moved onto things like friendster and myspace and now the ever popular facebook.  it's about how many friends you have, how many comments you get on your status update or new pictures every day, who posts on your wall and shows you they love you.... then things like twitter come into play and its all about how many followers you have, or even things such as this blog..... i dont think anyone reads it and it says i have a few followers.....but only a few.

why are these things held in such high merit?  why is life an eternal reminder of the childish antics of my former years when i had no idea how to dress myself, was chubby and wore glasses, and fell up the stairs almost on a daily basis?  why do i still feel like that dorky 14 year old who came home alone after school and didn't really have many people to hang out with or talk to and those that i did hang out with my mom disapproved of because they had pink hair and liked nirvana? 

sometimes i feel like my words fall into an endless void and no one can hear me.  sometimes i feel like the forgotten kid in the back of the classroom just wishing the "popular kids" would say hi to me.  sometimes i wonder who else feels like this though.  i never know who had the same past as i did.  i mean, i look at the kids that picked on me all through grade school and high school and they are overweight losers .... well most of them.  most of them made nothing for themselves because they were too vain to look forward and see that their good looks would not bring them the best things in life.  other times though, i feel like i am screaming out for approval from people that don't even matter at all.  i cant tell you how many people i have deleted out of my phone or off facebook at times like these because i just have this sudden "a-ha" moment where i realize that these idiots dont determine my value and if they cant see how fucking amazing i am then i don't need them dragging me down.  then moments where i feel dejected and alone come around and i find myself yearning for someone's approval and return to these morons only to have them block me or ignore me completely....

how i wish i could have grown up better.  i wish i could still just grow up.  why is my mindset plagued with this juvenile behavior?  if i have but 3 good friends in my life, wouldnt that be better than 2987 people that just want to know me?  but at the same time i find myself yearning to do something great that would make 2987 people want to know me.  i feel like i havent achieved anything or reached my greatest potential.  i feel like my ideas and desires have fallen on dry soil and deaf ears.  fuck, i dont think my therapist really gave a shit about what i had to say...

where does this leave me?  on a day like today, it leaves me eating lunch alone in the bathroom stall where no one can see me.  tomorrow, quite possibly it brings me saying hi to someone i never met before.  the day after that, maybe i cut class with my new friend and go get coffee.... i really couldnt say.  i'm just coming to realize that no matter how hard i try to escape it, no matter how fast i run or try not to look back, life will forever and always be an eternal high school.

Monday, June 13, 2011

a goal, a challenge, a dream

watched julie & julia about 2 times in one sitting.  this movie made me feel good.  i feel so much like julia child in the beginning.  here she goes trying all these different things when all she really wants to do is cook.  and there is julie with this crap job and half completed goals and a love of cooking.  they both set out with goals and face intense struggle and upset.  but they both have a support system and an amazing drive that help them through til the end.
i need a goal.  i need a challenge.  i need something that keeps me going.  i gave up on guitar because it drained me.  i cant do bjj right now because i might need knee surgery.  what can i do?

i dont think i have taken care of myself in so long.  my hair is a rats nest.  i am overtired.  i am in a field i like at a job that's not entirely what i want to do.  i want to go back to school but keep getting the "NO."  i want healthy relationships and friendships but seem to keep hitting brick walls and dead ends.  i want the joy and smile that i see on julia's face when she cooks. 

i wonder what makes me happy.  i wonder what would bring that light back to my eyes.  i think i care too much about what everyone else wants for me and what everyone else thinks about me to just go and do.  i have a busy life.  i am a mom, a homeowner, and i work.  but shouldnt i too be able to be happy?  shouldnt i too be allowed to have that spark of life that gets me going every morning?

maybe its time i spend time focusing on me, finding what makes me tick and breathe again.  maybe its time i spend less time worrying about everyone else and just worry about me, making myself smile and feel alive.....
now where to begin?

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

epic fail for small man

i really hate people stuffing crap into my mailbox.  i think i still have some jehovah's witness pamphlets littering my front stairs and a phone book in a bag that has now become a trash bag on my front stoop (yeah kinda trashy i know im just lazy).  well, i come into my living room from the kitchen to see some doucher running off my front stoop with pamphlets in hand and instead of being a decent person to open the gate and go down the stairs, he jumps the fence..... ordinarily i'd just be like "ok whatever" and turn away, but i couldnt.  i let out a HUGE laugh when said doucher fell flat on his FACE after hopping the fence.  EPIC FAIL LITTLE MAN!  EPIC FAIL!  i got some much needed entertainment for the day!

Saturday, May 28, 2011

like a princess locked in a tower

maybe it's cos i'm nearing the end of my late twenties or maybe it's because i am a realist, or MAYBE it's cos it's 4 in the morning and i'm running on no sleep, but i am at my wits end with "love."

books, movies, music, tv..... all of these bullshit mediums to remind me what "love" should look like and it never does.  maybe i'm in the wrong scenario.  maybe someone out there will be sweet to me and help me and love me how deep down i know i should be.....
and don't get me wrong.  i'm not into this anti-feminist crap where i think a guy needs to spoil a girl rotten, nor am i on the side of the fence where a girl should be totally self-reliant.  maybe i have projected that i am so strong that i don't need anyone.  maybe i give off the wrong impression.

for now, i feel like a princess locked away in a tower, slaving away during the day, only to go to bed empty and alone at night and repeat the cycle in the morning.  it sounds horrible and i'm probably expressing my feelings way worse in words than i actually feel. 

i've had the conversation with the males in my life many times about how i understand love and the few small and simple things that would remind me of my value to them.  somehow, after many a boyfriend have come and gone in my life, none of them get it.  is it something I'M doing wrong?  is my own perception so warped?  i don't think so....

all i want is a guy that wants to work hard for his family on and off the clock, that will take initiative in helping around the house, that will put his family before his hobbies, that wants to go places and do things and see the world, a guy that will be a MAN, a guy that will take chances and risks in order to better himself and grow, a guy that likes to be challenged, a man that isn't afraid or embarrassed to share his feelings or wear his heart on his sleeve, that knows how to show his lady that he loves her DAILY in the smallest and simplest of ways (and not just via sexual avenues), a guy that appreciates the little things that are done for him such as a home cooked meal or a clean house, a teammate and supporter, and as odd as it might seem, a guy that avoids fighting and will help quench an argument before it gets going.  does this person exist?

as i said, maybe it's something i'm doing wrong or maybe for the past 12 years i have just been with absolutely the wrong people for me.  maybe i've passed the good ones by in fear of change.  maybe i've let good ones go in my immaturity or have been too blind in my own sight.

i have a daughter now and i want a man that is a good example... i don't want her to settle for someone that won't go the extra mile for her.  i'm also tired of being afraid to move on and allow change to happen.  maybe i thrive too much on change, but i also know that i can't remember the last time i felt the giddiness i crave in a relationship....actually the best boyfriend i had was mike when i was 16.... i think i have never let anyone that close to me since. 

maybe my lack of satisfaction is due to my lack of letting people close...?  i dunno.  i do know that i'm tired of the way things are and have been for the past 3 years.... i do know i'm tired of the same conversations somehow pushed to the wayside because of a child and a mortgage and financial instability.  i do know that i am tired of rationalizing my feelings or having them be made to feel invalid.  why am i considered the crazy one for wanting change and trying to spur it on?  how many discussions on the same subject have to be had before any solutions are brought to the surface?  why is there an inconsistent pattern of positive change to backsliding?  i just dont get it.

as i said, maybe my standards are too high and this person i crave to be beside does not exist.  maybe they do and they are a famous person and i'll never meet them.  i just hope one day i get the chance to experience this feeling i crave.... not the honeymoon phase of a relationship where everything is shit grin perfect, but the 3 year mark where you're in the trenches with bombs flying in the background but still get lost in your partner's eyes and smile at the very sight of them....

yup, im a cheeseball, but this dear blog world are the very things my soul craves that i have been denying for so long in hopes of being "independent" and "strong."  what bullshit.  

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Tornado Tears Up North Minneapolis

in my combined total of 8 years being a "minnesotan," i have never once seen a tornado.  i lived in some straight rural areas too and have seen the sky green, heard the sirens, and just seen a killer lightning storm.  today... today held something very different.

i'd worked the overnight shift until 11am.  i was tired, but had to watch audrey so josh could teach class at the gym up the street.  around 1pm, the rain subsided and audrey was pounding on the front door and trying to reach the doorknob to get out.  i figured i could let her run around the gym and get herself tired so we could both nap, so we walked over. 

not even an hour later, the wind picked up and the rain started coming down harder.  beau, a gym manager, informed josh that there was a tornado warning for the area.  josh being as skeptical as myself, brushed it off and kept class going on (in typical josh fashion).  brandon, a student, and myself walked over to the glass door and peered outside admiring how dark it was for 2pm.  the wind picked up more, the clouds were whizzing by, and the rain stopped.  in the distance we could see what we thought were birds only to both realize aloud at the same time that it was leaves and debris.  it was flying in a circular pattern and we realized we were staring at the tornado funnel itself.  beau started yelling "TORNADO" and the lights in the gym began flickering.  we all ran for the guy's locker room and josh went outside to unchain the backdoor and get it shut.  the sirens were going and all of us were crammed in next to lockers in a smelly room.  most of the guys wanted to train still so they just left after a minute and announced the sirens had stopped.

the rain began to come down in sheets and buckets.  somehow we got word that houses were destroyed in the 2 mile radius that surrounded us.  that potentially included my house!  i left audrey with josh, threw on my rain boots, and in the pouring rain, glasses and all... i ran.  i ran in front of cars and just kept running til i saw my block.  i could barely see through the raindrops that clung to my lenses.... but i didnt see any damage.
i ran back to the gym.  ADT called to tell me our alarm went off.... finally the rain died down, 3 pm hit and class was over.  we had a tough time getting home though.  apparently there was awful damage to the neighborhood and a baby had died.  the cops were blocking off intersections and streets....

we made it to our alley and i decided to get my camera and walk through the neighborhood.  i have never been more heartbroken and shocked in my life.  you always think, "i live in the cities.  i cant get hit by a tornado!"  boy oh boy were we ever wrong.  i posted pics on my facebook page of the damages to my neighborhood.  entire trees uprooted through peoples' homes, slabs of concrete uprooted with the trees, fences down, chunks of roof shingle scattered across lawns, chimney brick all over peoples' roofs....

some of the neighbor girls told me to go down a different way to see some real damage- roofs torn off houses, a gas station torn to bits.... i started down that way but the crackhead scene was getting a bit much for me and my canon, so i turned back to go home.  i was in my house barely a minute and heard gunshots.  since the cops were busy helping people navigate through the forest in the roads and help people in danger, chaos erupted.  gotta hand it to the northside.  even in the face of disaster and damages, gunshots!

we got off pretty easy though.  we got some minor flooding in our basement.... that's it.

what's scary is that audrey and i were supposed to be napping in the house and she had this urge to leave the house.  this isn't the first time either... she's got like a sixth sense for danger and always gets me out of the way.  my little angel.

i talked to some of the neighbors in the area.  everyone was ok but the damages were shocking.  one lady told me she and her daughter had arrived home 15 min BEFORE the tornado touched down.  a few girls we know in the neighborhood ignored the sirens and kept riding bikes at the school down the street until the wind started picking up in crazy speeds and got to safety just in the nick of time....

i am not a huge believer in God and religion but honestly, the damages missed my house by a 2 block radius on one end and a 1 block radius on the other.  we should have a messed up house right now.  we should have more than just some minor basement flooding.  audrey and i were supposed to have been in the house taking a nap when the sirens went off and the tornado touched down.  we werent though, and none of this stuff happened to us.  i consider us very very very lucky.  our power came back on after 3 hours, we had a great dinner on the grill since no electricity, and now all is calm.  it makes me scared though.  i'm wondering what's next.  i'm wondering if this is the beginning of the end....  i mean, a tornado tore up the northside.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

a heavy heart

life has been full of it's ups and downs since i can remember.  so many emotions, so many life changes, people coming and going...
no one told me it would continue on into my late twenties.
no one told me it would feel worse with a child and a less than great relationship.

life gets lonely.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

In Memory Of....

after i got booted out of a christian college for having "issues,"  i lost contact with a lot of people that were dear friends to me from said college and from my hometown.  some i am still in minor contact with through various social medias like facebook or email, but others.... others i have lost touch with completely and hear about their lives through friends of friends of friends.  yes, i feel snubbed and sad....  i mean, i shared my life with these people for my teenage years and my early adulthood years.  it hurts.  on one hand, i got judged mercilessly for not "being christian" and on the other hand, i put up quite a defensive barrier to not let anyone else hurt me too.  i went "down the bad path" and they went "down the good path" and i have yet to hear from them any longer and they obviously want nothing to do with me and make no attempts to see what my life is doing....
i have had some BIZARRE dreams about these people recently and just this morning, this song began flowing as easily as a morning pee.  lol, bad analogy but when you really gotta go it just flows.... and so did this.




IN MEMORY OF....

we said our good byes fairly long ago
and it all ended on a bad note
you threw some words pretty hatefully
my way....
i let you roll into the distance


old friend you live, so far away
you threw out any point of contact
let's just say, i miss your face
and smile....
i'll let you live on in my memories


we just went our ways
different countries
different places
we will never be
friends again,
you and me


i hear about your new life
through our old friends, about your wife
you've gone and grown and done your thing
it's pretty cool
but i still miss you my dear friend


i've got no way to say hello
to the new man you've become
i'll just hope you can read my thoughts
far away
i'll let you live on in my memories


we just went our ways
different countries
different places
we will never be
friends again,
you and me
i'll let you live on in my memories
i'll let you live on in my memories

Monday, April 25, 2011

a colorful day

so i have this awesome new schedule that free up some time for me to spend with audrey.  awesome, right?
yeah, so today is like 65 degrees... pretty much the warmest day for a while so i decide to suck up my knee problems and slap on some braces, get the jogging stroller off the porch and go take audrey out.

mind you, i don't live in the nicest neighborhood so i should have taken the car over to the parkway trail and THEN gone for a jog.  instead, i decided to WALK down to the trail, jog a little, then walk back.  god what was i thinking.

either i look REALLY hot in sweatpants with my hair a mess or there is viagra in north minneapolis water.  on my way across the street i noticed a shady fellow talking to an imaginary person across the street so i decided to head in the direction of the 3 guys coming from Subway.  halfway across the street one guy goes, "my friend is in love with you."   ICK.  i slapped em with some sass and kept walking only to be honked at by another guy who licked his lips in a rather crude manner.  so, i picked up the pace and kept walking.  got stopped by 2 guys on the trail when i was walking back who were NOT simply saying "good day."  then when i got more near my delightful part of town i was stopped and then FOLLOWED by another creepy guy who decided he needed to follow me 2 blocks to check out my ass.

jesus h christmas people!

on a silly note, the parkway lutheran church had the stupidest sign and i forgot to take a picture of it.... it just  made NO SENSE.  it said:

without the bread of life you're toast

wouldn't it make more sense to say that without the bread of life you HAVE no toast.... why would you BE toast without bread....?  



that was the redeeming factor of my walk.... and the exercise and outside time with my love, audrey.

Monday, April 11, 2011

BUCKET LIST

i was driving home and thinking (bad to multi-task while driving i know) about some things i would like to do that i haven't yet done and in some cases am quite frightened to do.  then i decided, even though i do not have a terminal disease and am no where near what is considered to be ELDERLY, i would make a bucket list anyway.

  1. i would like to take a ride on a motorcycle through a windy rural area
  2. i would like to learn to surf
  3. i would like to go tubing
  4. i would like to learn to snowboard
  5. i would like to go for a 10 mile hike
  6. i would like to spend an entire day laying on the beach and drinking cocktails
  7. i would like to go on every "scary" ride in an amusement park at least twice
  8. i would like to be in a pie eating contest
  9. i would like to visit some old friends across the pond and hang out for a few days
  10. i would like to watch the sun set and/or rise from every different continent
  11. i would like to eat one local favorite from every country/state in the whole world
  12. i would like to jump off a cliff into the ocean
  13. i would like to go on a long bicycle ride
  14. i would like to spend a day having someone take care of ME
  15. i would like to meet a list of celebrity chefs and have them each teach me to make one dish
  16. i would love to do all these things with audrey :)

Friday, April 1, 2011

it's all coming together

so, so far so good.  i really can't complain.

i got rehired at ACR Homes and went to meet with an academic counselor at dunwoody regarding the radiology program.  it looks intense and scary.  2 years NONSTOP FULL TIME school and then a job as an x-ray tech.  it is hard.  on paper, things are scary.  on paper, i have A LOT to do.... and on paper, there's no guarantee that i will even get accepted into the program since they accept only 10 students and get around 80 applicants.

i feel like this is MY TIME now though.  i have put so much on hold and done so much for everyone else but me.  it is going to be really hard and really time consuming.  i dont imagine the next few years to be easy or stress-free at all. 

i know it's going to be hard, but sometimes good things are worth fighting for.  now im just hoping im one of 10 that gets to start in the fall!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

always a stormy cloud

well, i did it.  i quit my new job.  well, walked out rather.  i couldn't take being treated like a nuisance for being new and not knowing what to do.  after a week and one day of having far too much down time at my desk with no direction, i left.  i have an interview with a previous employer that would free up enough time for me to go back to school.  BUT i just looked at all of the requirements for the RTEC program i want to do.  i dont have any prior biology courses so that puts me at a disadvantage AND they only accept 10 students per semester!  plus, the need for radiologists isn't AS high so come 2014 , there might not be a need for someone like me.  plus, working at the previous place i worked at is a serious pay DECREASE, but frees up more time for Audrey.  i'm really hoping and praying i made the right decision and that i get accepted, if not for the fall term, at least for the spring term next may.  it will be tight money-wise, but if i don't try now and start this now, when will i go back to school?  plus, if i get denied for the RTEC course, i can always become a CNA in the mean time and work at a hospital for a bit more money per hour.  it's just that i really want this now.... i'm making all the necessary steps.... it's just a bit difficult treading unknown waters. 
a friend once told a debtor on the phone "short term pain for long term gain."  i wasn't sure of his sincerity, but the phrase certainly rings true now.  i just hope that the short term pain isn't 4 years of pain and is simply 2 or 3 at the most.  it's like i can almost taste my dream.... like watching cookies baking.  you can almost taste them, but if you take them out too soon they are raw and mushy and gross.  if you take them out too late they are crispy, burnt, and have lost their sweetness.  i'm hoping that i'm not too late or rushing too soon.  i want my dream, this cookie, to come out JUST RIGHT!  (why do i always have food analogies?)

Monday, March 28, 2011

a forced breather

with all that's been on my mind and all that i have been trying to undertake, i have put myself in a very bad spot.
i have compromised my health for no reason.... i cant do anything to speed time up to get my answers.  instead, i have given myself an ulcer, forced anxiety attacks upon myself, and have become a complete zombie.  i'm missing out on enjoying little moments because i am trying to take on the whole world myself.
i don't know what it is that makes me feel bad for asking for help.  i mean, josh lives in this house too.  josh is audrey's daddy too.  i don't know why i feel like i have to work 40 hours, cook, clean, and take care of audrey on my own.
i have dreams and ideas and things i want to do and everything has been put on hold because of money or audrey or josh's schedule.
i think i finally have a means to an end here and the waiting game is KILLING ME (almost literally).
i need a break.  i need to relax.  i need help and the ability to ask for it without feeling bad.
now how to start.... 

Thursday, March 24, 2011

dazed and confuzed

i have been craving change to the point of tears so much lately.  the more audrey neared 1 year old, the more i just was like a thirsty person craving a drop of water.  you know how that is.... when you had something too salty for dinner and you wake up in the middle of the night DYING of thirst and go to the bathroom or kitchen and get a drink of water and... it's like you're tasting water for the first time.  water never TASTED so good before.  water has never been so satisfying and you just want to keep drinking even though your belly is now full and gurgling. 

well now i am at that same thirst point in my life, but for change.  i hate the job i have currently (even though it's a new job).  i don't like this industry and this is something i dont like, i'm not proud of, not interested in..... i mean, the list keeps going.  i've wanted to go back to school for a while for radiology.  the problem is time and money.  i want more time with audrey.  for some reason, i just MISS HER TERRIBLY moreso now than ever.  i hate being away from her. 

i am trying to source a plan of action to get some realistic goals in order.  i started with a list.  a 5 year plan if you will.  it's not like it's november and i am trying to get a ton done in a short time.  i have a lot of time left in this year and have some realistic things to get started on.


so here's hoping something good starts......soon.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

where has the time gone?

dude, audrey is 1.
her party is saturday.
im starting a new job monday.
craziness.
audrey took 8 steps on her own.
we'd gotten broken into and robbed.
craziness.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

the battle of audrey vs the green vegetables

this has been an ongoing war.
audrey REFUSES to eat anything green (just like her daddy).  it's getting harder to make my own peas or green beans and hide them in applesauce or something else that is sweet because she wants more and more foods that she can feed herself.

well, i found some broccoli florettes in the freezer and thought i might just go ahead and give it a whirl.  i cooked them, put the little top parts of the tree on audrey's highchair tray and......


SHE ATE THEM ALL!!!!  VOLUNTARILY!!!

i think we found a green she will eat!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

March For Dimes March For Babies

MAY 1st!!!!

I was reading my issue of Minnesota Monthly and going through all the delicious restaurants and deals and stumbled upon the March for Dimes March for Babies in May.  There's one walk in St. Paul at Harriet Island, and another in MPLS at some place not far from me.  Anyway, it kinda just struck a chord in me that this is something I want to be a part of.  I wanted to run a half marathon or something with Audrey, but this 4 mile walk means more to me.  I was very blessed and very lucky to have a very healthy pregnancy and a very healthy baby.  Granted she was jaundiced when she was born and needed a bilibed, but that was it.  There are many moms who have very TOUGH pregnancies with a LOT of complications and many babies who are born with complications, some not making it.  I can't imagine the heartache of losing a baby or having to watch your baby with tubes and wires stuck to it.  It breaks my heart.  So, I decided to try to raise some money and walk in May.  It would be super stellar if someone else wanted to walk with Audrey and I and it would be super amazing if you helped donate.  I set what I feel is a low goal because I want to take some of my tax money and throw it in there once I hit the $250.  I am looking for people who believe in helping fund this research to help babies.  ESPECIALLY if you had an easy pregnancy (aside from heartburn and swelling) and ESPECIALLY if you have a healthy baby, I really feel it is important to give back a little.  Maybe they can help find a reason or a solution to some of the issues babies are born with or some solutions to the causes.  Any amount is helpful and ANYONE that wants to walk with me and audrey is welcome.  It's May 1st, in MPLS, 4 miles, at 11am on a Saturday.
 Come visit my page!

Monday, February 14, 2011

busy bees

a lot has been going on-  so much so that i have forgotten to write in audrey's little journal for over a month now....
she has been growing so much!  she is FAST!!  she cruises around the table, she will walk from one piece of furniture to the next, and she will hold ONE of my hands and start walking... all of this adventurous behavior has resulted in many goose eggs on the noggin, one cut, and a huge black and blue between her eyes.  she also has finally said "mama," understands when people say "hello" and "goodbye," will wave if she hears those words, is learning more motor skills, is learning to eat more finger foods, and all in all is becoming SO independent.  she is very clear about what she likes and doesn't like and will make sure everyone within a 10 mile radius knows it too!

i can't believe she is almost 1 already.  it is so alarming to me.  time has just zipped by!  i'm glad i have some good memories to share with her when she is older though.   our family has finally adopted "family saturday" which will be one saturday a month we go somewhere and do something special together as a family.  weekends are hard because one of us either works, or josh teaches jiu jitsu.  i think it is important tho that we set a date for a special family day.... i'm glad we are finally starting this month.

i am REALLY hoping to get back to school.  after talking with my therapist, i realized that i'd been aiming too low with schooling.  so... i am going to be working on going to school to be an x-ray tech or an ultrasound tech.  it is only a 2 year program which is manageable, but the problem right now is finding the time to do it... josh works 2 nights a week til 9, i work one night til 8, the one nite i come home early josh has jiu jitsu til 9 and then there is FRIDAY!  that would be my only free day at all.... so, i dunno right now.... gotta wait and see....

that's my monthly update for now.  much planning to do for audrey's birthday.  got cupcakes to make, party favors to get, balloons and decorations to get, and invitations to send out!  SUPER excited!  (mostly cos it's somewhere else and i don't have to clean it up!)

Monday, January 31, 2011

day one

today starts day one of paxil and day one of no more breastfeeding audrey.
it's hard.  she's been even MORE clingy lately since i started cutting down on breastfeeding.
she just wants me to be visible or holding her otherwise she loses it.

on another note.  i am really growing very bored.  i feel like my life needs a major overhaul.  i am contemplating seeing a therapist because i feel like i just need an outside third party to take a peek into my brain and help me sort things out without saying "well think about josh's feelings" or "josh is such a jerk" or "youre doing too much" or "youre a bad person" or "you deserve better"......  that sort of stuff.

im just bored.  every day is the same day and carries on into the weekend.  we never go anywhere or do anything fun.  i want adventures and memories.  i want audrey to look back on her childhood and be like "wow that was effin sweet."  but, we are bound to josh's obsession with jiu jitsu and our lack of funds mean that i have to work A LOT!  i miss hobbies.  i miss my guitar and playing shows.  i miss that feeling of freedom i get from singing or hearing a great song.  i miss the excitement of being alive and trying new things and meeting new people and seeing new places.

i dont want to be a homebody.  i dont want to sit at home, cook, and watch movies.  i used to be ok with that in my drinking days because i was too hung over to go anywhere or WANT to do anything.  but now, i don't think it's fair to subject audrey to staying at home. 

so, day one of paxil and hopefully some time with a therapist.  wish me luck.

Friday, January 28, 2011

goodbye snuggle time

i had to make the  hard decision to stop nursing next monday in order to get some sanity back.  my nerves are so far beyond on edge lately.  it just keeps getting worse and worse.  it seemed so logical, my wreckless train of thought until i was talking to my doctor about it... then i just sounded completely nuts.  what's worse is that i know my fears and worries are irrational, but it's like i get this thought and think about it and everything spirals out of control.  we have this papertowel holder that hangs under our cupboard.  it is the most faulty piece of trash because when you go to pull one sheet off, the whole thing falls off and unravels on the floor.
THAT, dear reader, is how my mind works.  i go from thinking that audrey is sleeping with a blanket to thinking that audrey is suffocating and going to die in her sleep unless i keep the monitor on really loud and check on her 100x before i go to bed.  or that if i leave the house someone is going to break in while i am not home.  i constantly worry when i drive with her that someone is going to crash into the side of my car and kill her.  yeah i know all new moms worry.  that's an understatement.  what's bad is that sometimes i cant stop this thought process no matter how hard i try.  taking a step back and breathing, doing yoga, meditating, trying to talk myself into rational thinking.... nothing.  this out of control thought process can sometimes last 3 hours....my chest will get tight and i cant breathe....

there is no rhyme or reason to any of this.  lately the worst thing is that i worry about money and then my mind goes into post-apocalyptic thoughts and i REALLY cant calm down.  i worry so much about the safety and well-being of my daughter that i literally have been getting sick.

so, i have to start on some meds monday that are TOTALLY NOT SAFE for bf, so i decided i will start on monday and continue to slowly wean audrey off.  she is pretty much on all formula now since josh has been home watching her while i work extra.  i will miss our morning and evening snuggle time though.

goodbye snuggle time.  hello sanity (i hope).

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

rub a dub dub, there's two in the tub

lately audrey has had the most INTENSE fear of the tub.  we put her little tub in the big tub or put her little tub in the sink but she without fail try to stand up and get out and cry hysterically.  i kind of am to blame i think.  one time i put cold water on her head when i thought it was warm and didn't double check.... YIKES!
anyway i read up on the bath phobia and one site suggested taking a bath WITH the baby to get them feeling more secure.
i have to say- this totally worked.  she gets excited for bath time and smiles the most happy smile.  she splashes and has fun!  i hope this wont be a forever thing because it sure is time consuming.  im happy that she is learning to be calm and understands that baths are safe and ok.

Monday, January 24, 2011

today is going to be awkward

there have been very few days where i have gotten it right- where that looming, gut tightening feeling is actually something i should have listened to.
for example, the day i knew i shouldnt drive josh's truck to work and it broke down on n 26th and penn ave n and i was late for work and stuck in a not so great neighborhood while it was snowing....
or the day i knew josh was getting fired....

today just has that feeling.  i can't explain it, but i know something is going to happen.  it feels awkward and heavy. 
i hope im just being an overtired basketcase.

my stomach hurts though.  it hurts, churns, and feels like it is in 1,000 different varieties of knots.
i feel nervous.  im anticipating the worst of the worst.

hello world, my name is debbie downer.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

xanax? zoloft? anyone? anyone?

i havent felt this stressed or tense in so long.
back in the day like 5 years ago i was on zoloft for my many issues and got through it all by writing songs and then finding that exercise is a good release of stress.
lately, having had my priorities completely revamped beyond my control, i find that due to our crazy schedules, i dont get time for anything.  josh is busy.  always busy.
i suppose i could MAKE more time but... audrey's always needing something and maybe it's my own fault for feeling like i NEED to be the one to fix everything and care for everything.

needless to say, im getting white hairs, my hair is falling out, and i think i'm getting stress related hives or something.  i just CANT calm down.  maybe it's my need to replace meals with coffee or something...
either way im going nuts.  i cant get a convenient doctor's appointment since my job has this MASSIVE issue for people missing work for health issues....

im just grumpy, tired, on edge, and am realizing HOW much i clench my teeth ALL day.... it hurts.
any ideas on what to do? 

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

hello new year

this is going to be a good year.
i've already EFFED UP with the finances ROYALLY.  like really bad....
BUT... it's funny how i'm not letting that drag me down.  i'm figuring out ways around my miscalculations and am making it a priority once i balance things out with commission checks at the end of the month so we can actually use our tax return and have some left to save.

ok, so aside from a money mess right at the beginning of the year, i have good plans and good things in mind.

for one.... i really want to be healthy.  i know that's what every single person says for a few months and then caves... but, i really want to be healthy.  it's amazing what 60 extra pounds will do to you mentally.  i didnt exercise much while i was pregnant because very well meaning people kept yelling at me.  so, while i slowed down, my metabolism slowed down, and petite baby audrey was only 6 pounds and i had 54 pounds of unaccounted for nonsense stuck to me.
i swore off the scale after the needle wouldn't budge (and finally the battery died so all was well with that demon).  i tried diet after diet and finally QUIT.  one day i hit the gym scale and found i was back to normal give or take a few pounds.... AWESOME right?  hardly!

i've always been REALLY REALLY hard on myself.  REALLY.  so, while the number is awesome (it's back to my exact pre-pregnancy weight) but my body is still flabby and loose.  my jeans fit, but the excess baggage (even in its tiniest form) is NOT ok for me.

i really do miss jiu jitsu.  i mean, it changed my life.  i won a national title... i beat the crap out of many guys...but it is REALLY hard on you after taking 2 years off.  i can see why people stop going.  when i get my ass kicked NOW, it sucks worse because i have an 18 pound baby that constantly needs playing with or lifting... so my back and hips and ribs and knees take and even LARGER beating.  not right now jiu jitsu.  you will just have to wait... again.

i do love fitness yoga.  it is FUN!  i have some dvds but it is so easy to just do the 15 min or 10 min segment and call it quits..... or just sit and stretch while watching The Office and call it enough.  this year though, i really want to make a change.  i want to be conscious about what im doing with my body, my mind, and my words.  i fly off the handle in many ways.

so, here's my "new years resolution" which i really want to be a life change.....
(and im making realistic goals because i have some larger ones that would make me just sit back and do nothing because it's a lot to tackle at once)...

-get up early to exercise every morning (for now in the winter it IS just my 15 min or 10 min of fitness yoga, but once it gets warmer out, go for a run outside for a half hour)
-get to the gym to run and do light weights at least 2-3 times a week.
-PAY ATTENTION to what i eat and drink and teach audrey good eating habits
-make the time to eat and make good foods
-go back to school by my birthday (still gotta figure out what for)
-make a budget and STICK to it
-put some money every month in a savings account


so, there it goes.... nothing too drastic.... just some small life changes that will make for a better life overall.  i need my head screwed on straight :)