Friday, August 30, 2013

the cycle's on repeat

her posture slumped.
she carries such a heavy weight on her shoulders.
she never accepts grace or a hand to help with the load.
she tries so carelessly to carry all of the bags on her own and the handles rip from the weight.
she watches as all of her belongings fall recklessly to the floor.
glass jars shatter and the most delicate of delicate parcels are nothing more than scattered remnants.

she stares long and hard at her reflection.
mercilessly she picks apart the view.
tired, worn skin on her hands from carrying everyone else's loads.
she's embarrassed at the dark circles that encompass her bloodshot eyes.
who would want to look at such a mess?

but there you are.
you come like this knight in shining armour.
you remind her of her beauty more than once per day.
but as soon as she shows interest in your flattery you run.
you close your lips as quickly as you opened them.
and there she is left hanging onto the shards of compliments from deceitful lips.

bloodstained hands carrying the heavy loads of everyone else.
they get weaker as the life drains from her fingertips.

and there you are.
offering a hand.
like this knight in shining armour.
but how quickly you run.
how quickly you run when you see all of her belongings that she forgot to leave behind in the dumpster at the last rest stop.
and there she is staring at your silhoutte in a cloud of dust taking off into the sunset.

skinned knees crawling against the dirt, stinging with the momentum of ground gained.

and then you come out of nowhere.
full of promise and hope.
all of the right words and at the right speed and in the language she understands.

but she knows better.
so she stabs you with the shards in her hands and her steady crawl picks up the pace.
full steam ahead she leaves you in the dust because that is what she knows to do....
hurt before being hurt.

she kicks the dirt beneath her feet and takes a few more steps forward.
she slowly turns around and surveys what she's leaving.
too much murder for two tired eyes.
she takes a few more steps and realizes the cycle is on repeat.
she readies herself for the next battle to come.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

high school days are here again

someone really had the audacity to make a fake twitter account with a very not cute pic of me, using my full name, with links to my blog and instagram.  they went so far as to post a tweet about my kid and her nickname and kind of how stupid i am for making that nickname for her.  then they hashtagged her real name.

listen, i know i overreacted and was ready to go apeshit for quite a while, but what i dont get is why the fuck someone found it necessary to go to those lengths to make fun of me for expressing thought in a public forum.

there are options to not view those things.... there's blocking, deleting, and JUST NOT READING.

more than anything it hurt my feelings cos it reminded me of a year ago of being bullied and also most of my kid-hood.  it's really pathetic and sad that at this age, someone staring july 10th found me so excruciatingly unbearable that they went that far....

i have ideas who it is.
i wanna put those persons on full blast but what good will that even do?
it wont rectify what has been done.
the page is down and the amount of people that reported it was great.
also the person that informed me of it and the few that called me later reminded me im more cared about than i realize.
some people will always hate and i can unfortunately do nothing to stop it.

so world, hate on if you must, but please for the love of god, find a better outlet and leave my child out of your insults.  that is what enraged me the most.... you can pick on me and attempt to make me look foolish but once you cross that line and involve my kid, understand that i start seeing red and i make no promises for merciful vengeance.


Monday, August 12, 2013

changes

i have so many things i wish i could say to people racing through my head while getting ready this morning.
i mean moral of this probably rambly story is that i am a liar and a fake and as big a coward as the person(s) id be pointing a finger at.

but sometimes these changes kind of suck.
i got to a point where i don't have free time.
i can't see anyone.
and when i can, it feels like im in some protective sphere that everyone is afraid to break.
and maybe we are equally distancing each other, keeping a safe distance of arms length.

all i know is that solitude and a sock monkey have become my dearest of friends lately.
i don't even know how to be around people.
so i found myself drinking in excess to calm and quiet the awkward which in turn just made it MORE awkward, cos really, who wants to be around a shy drunk girl?

so i made a choice to stop drinking this weekend aside from the occasional sipping beer.

im making a choice today to re-evaluate the people in my life and really make that connection of whether or not i mattered in the first place.
most often my self-depricating brain full of past traumas is usually in the wrong, but sometimes, sometimes i see that person(s) i had put on such an elated level don't really give a shit at all and i am merely an emotional fluffer- something i definitely can not be.

in this whole summer of realizing my feelings matter and beginning to look out for myself and stand up for myself and just speak the truth or at least my  own muddled version of it, i've gotten rather lonely and have retaliated and shoved a lot of people away.  i also have gained a bit of self respect.  it's a toxic mix, those two....
im trying to sift and strain but i'm really just making a god damn awful fucking mess.

i feel like i have this repetitive eternal plea to those i want to stick around, to those that have been a crutch and a support and FUN and light in my often sad times life.....please bear with me.  i feel like you all have caught me at some ridiculous crossroads and i am weathering the most endless of horrific storms.  no one deserves this kind of malice and stabbing and i catch myself every time and hate myself for it.... and i dont blame you for turning and hightailing it farther away.... i just wish you wouldnt.

so world, im a fucked up little mess.  the war knowing my value vs feeling attacked at every minor turn and retaliating is raging on and there seems to be an end in sight... a balance of gentle words from a very strong ladypants.

i just hope when i get to this end that someone may be left.
my standards are way too high oftentimes, i get that...
i guess the moral of my rambly story then is that im slowly learning... key words... im slow.

happy monday.

Friday, August 9, 2013

before i begin....

i have 12 cups of freshly brewed coffee (which technically is more equivalent to 24 at the strength in which i brew my brew), a pile of sugar, and my radiography for limited practice testing materials in front of me.  tomorrow, at 8 am is my exam for my limited scope license.

now, years ago i would have told you i was too stupid for this.  now, im about to take this exam, take a certification exam for medical assisting in september, and ive decided i want to go back to school, not for radiology like i assumed, but for neuroscience.  i want to go back for neuroscience to do research and development for pediatric neurological disorders.

WHAT THE FUCK?

yeah, me.
little me.
not so little after all.

and that is why i am typing these distracting thoughts before i begin studying. 
this whole experience of my externship, working in a clinic, running doctor's schedules, performing tests, being responsible for some serious shit... it's given me something i knew i needed but never really had....

SELF CONFIDENCE.

you can only tell someone something a million times before it's very apparent that they have to figure it out for themselves. 
i was that lost cause.
only now, im a little less lost.

im not even stressing so hard about this test. 
sure i want to do well and ive been doing the practice modules when i have a free minute instead of seeing friends, but for the first time in a while, i just know im going to do well.
i know where im going and what im doing and .... i know it is going to be a long road and it's going to be challenging and not very financially profitable (not for a LONG while), but ... i know where im going and that means more to me than any monetary prize could ever.

so before i begin studying, while im currently cracked out on a ton of candy and the strongest coffee i have brewed to date, i just feel like i need to share the one thing i am learning over and over, day after day, life milestone after life milestone:

BE YOURSELF... your REAL self.  and if you don't know who you are... take the time to find out.  chances are you're really  missing out on someone great.  chances are, you're meant for greater than you give yourself credit for.  sometimes it takes the quiet of solitude to hear your real self screaming at you and making the soundest statements, speaking the most clear and coherent direction..... sometimes it takes getting away from the crowds and what you think you're meant to be and should be and ought to be, for you to get a handle on who you really are.

i despised the solitude then.  being forced into it now, im the most grateful for it. 
so yeah, i guess now that the tangent is over, time to begin....

Saturday, August 3, 2013

so im a little slow...

like this is really news to anyone who has ever attempted to give me a morsel of advice in my entire lifespan of chaotic and confusing situations and scenarios...


but seriously i feel like i owe a lot of people a giant THANK YOU!!!

i hardly get a minute to breathe.
really, i hate it but when i do, i find that i am reflective and appreciative of life.
normally that appreciation comes in the form of loving nature and life outside but today...
today is one of those days i want to thank people.

i wont name names but there's a chunk o people that i owe huge thanks to.

there are people who have helped me out all in various ways and sadly, it has taken me a lot longer to grasp various concepts or acknowledge the fruits of said help than id have liked, but today....
today i feel very loved, very appreciative, and actually, very stupid for not applying these lessons sooner.

i came home to 4 envelopes. 
each of these envelopes contained hope and promise and momentary relief.
i nearly jumped up and down on my bed with elation but then i remembered how badly we destroyed my bed frame trying to move it out of my old house and quickly concluded it would be a bad idea.

ive had people saying the same things in my ears for months and years now about letting go of worry and stress and letting go of trying to control the uncontrollable.  the advice of letting life happen as it does and trusting POSITIVE changes will happen if i believe it can be so.

i scoffed at that, i laughed at it, i snickered at it and halfheartedly chewed on the concepts.
but just recently, i really started to apply those concepts to my life.
i saw how detrimental my thoughts and word choices (mentally and audibly) to myself really were and what a negative impact they were having on the outcome of my life as a whole.  life was looking hopeless again and then i snapped.  i started standing up for myself and TO myself.

and then today happened. 
today happened where in a moment of floating in the breeze, the wind stopped, and i landed.  i opened these 4 envelopes and it was like the universe gave me one giant hug and said, "see kel.... i gotcha.  told ya so."

that's the first time ive ever been so happy for an "i told ya so" in my life.
im laughing at how stupid ive been and how mindlessly i bought into this idea that if i worried enough and flipped out enough, that somehow something would fix itself.  but it cant.  the more i pinholed on the negative, my world just became bleak and dismal and a pile of blackened despair on soggy bread. 

it took just appreciating what is.  the life around me and the amazing people i have around me... it took appreciating the little to see how much i really do have and then, like a bonus pretzel of epic proportions, the universe took a giant, explosive diarrhea of good karma upon my overtired and overcaffeinated self. 

so dear friends that have been like a broken record to my deaf ears and calloused heart... to the friends and family that have been supportive and encouraging and just the most billowy piles of love and help - i am so sincerely thankful.   yes, i am beyond the slowest of learners and yes, i can be so close minded and self centered and yes, i am more dense than a brick wall sometimes (if not a majority of the time), but all of your words and insight and love and help and encouragement.... i would not be where i am, right now, in this moment of sheer gratitude and happytimes without it. 

so thank you.  seriously and completely and indefinitely, THANK YOU.