Sunday, October 20, 2013

up and down like steady waves

my insomnia's crept back in.
my sanity comes and goes, up and down like steady waves.

im not sure what's real or imagined and fear that maybe i am slightly insane.... unstable if you will.
not the dangerous to myself or anyone else kind.... just the kind that isn't sure what is actual vs what is assumed.

i fear that maybe my outburst and reactions as of late have been more due to lack of sleep and emotional instability, preconceived and assumed misunderstandings more than actual contempt and hatred for myself.

i feel kind of sick to my stomach.
i feel kind of petty and selfish and sad.
like a small child's post-tantrum outburst.

but i did what they said.
i tried to invite myself places and show up at things.
im realizing that you can't force a square peg into a round hole, and i, i am that square peg.

i am finding that there are a few hoping to round my sharpened corners, to let me know that im not alone in a round world.
and maybe right now i just simply need the bare minimum.  the few to be there on occasion.
maybe i need to find the balance and know that alone does not equal something horrible.
that alone does not mean i am not loved and wanted.

i hate seasonal depression.
no i never admit it to people and just like with all of my other hiccups and hangups, i pretend it doesnt exist. 
i attempt to ignore my obvious fate that when there are 4 days of gloomy gray skies, rain, and cold temperatures, and i am not surrounded by anyone but bubs and picklcat, i get sad.  i get sad and angry that anyone is having any ray of sunshine.  i get sad that no one wants to share any warmth with me but a 3 year old and a cat.

and maybe it's such insanity, such up and down predictability that frightens away the masses.

ive retreated to coffee and books. 
ive confined myself to tea and movies.
ive enveloped myself in records and staring blankly out my large living room window into a bleak, gray, fragmented sky and tree branches.

this morbid solitude that does me no good is what i fear.
i fear it most because i sadly thrive off of being around large groups of people and they seemingly run from me like the plague.

what a delicious catch 22 i seem to be in.
up and down like steady waves my sanity comes and goes.
my eyes burn with fatigue. 
im not sure the last time i got a good night's sleep.
sadness haunts me.
solitude mocks me.

i try to escape these demons in sleep but they won't let it come.
and with the insomnia comes fatigue and with the fatigue my thoughts become less logical.

there are moments however, fueled by caffeine and literary works, where logic does creep in.
moments like now where i feel foolish and stupid for caring so much about being so alone.
moments like now where i am relishing the silence and solitude.

i think more than anything i just want to be around people and maybe i am the one that sucks life out of others without realizing it.
maybe that is why no one seems to want me to come out and about.

but then my old ass, sitting here in blissful silence wonders why i even care.
i frankly have no answer.

so i float on this wave for now.... the seemingly up wave, waiting for my crash later.
it's nice to have a brief moment to see above sea level to a beautiful horizon.
im going to savor this moment:
the silence, the solitude, the clarity, the logic.... most of all the logic.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

a moment of clarity

there are those people.
those few people that when youre around them, the angry sounds quiet and life makes sense again.
im lucky enough to have that.
i know my last post is woe is me somber, but at the same time, i must see the flip side of the coin and count myself lucky.

im lucky enough to have a very select and miniscule few that care about me and believe in me and just.... shut me up when im irrational and spinning out of control.

today i got 3 of them.
today im thankful for the misery that was my horrible night's sleep.
today i was reminded that it's time to pick up and move again and even if i am moving away (metaphorically) from some places and things and people, these few will always be a part of me.

today was a very eye opening day.
today i learned how beautiful a conversation can be.
today i learned to slow down and listen to the rhythm of breathing.
today i learned to ask the questions i feared the answers to.

so today held a moment of clarity...a few actually.

im learning that few is actually greater than many.
today was a nice reminder.

Friday, October 18, 2013

no soapbox to broadcast this from

i quit.
i absolutely give up.
i have no social media to broadcast this from, so whoever actually reads this may be more interested in my meager little life than i would have assumed.

i can't say i've hurt this bad in a long time.
i don't even know a time where my heart felt so broken and so fragmented.
i have no memory of a time where i have felt this alone.

i thought life was leading me down a certain path.
i claimed this one person saved my life and brought me to the family i wanted all along.
it was a pipe dream, however.
a steaming pile of horse shit.

i've been called ugly.
i've been called uninteresting.
i've been called off putting.
i've been lied to.
i've been lied to a lot in fact.
it's a repeat cycle of high school where i just am not enough in some measure and therefore am not ok to be seen with, not ok to know, and certainly not ok to hang out with.

so i spend a lot of time alone.
i got told to try.
i got told to invite myself places, show up at shows, and ask people to hang out.
i've done all of the above and have gotten the strangest of faces, mean mugs, or simply been ignored.

i can't say i've hurt this bad in a long time, cos for a while, i did feel like i belonged somewhere.
for a brief few months, i was happy.
i was finding my niche, my place, and hell i thought i finally found a family.

im not sure what i have left.
i just know that i havent hurt this bad in a long time.
my subconscious must be working overtime cos i woke up from a nap with a tear soaked cheek and pillow.

maybe my life's purpose is just to get really smart and read lots of books and write things that no one reads.
that's all ive got for now.

i've been torn to shreds by people this past week to the point where i don't find much to believe in about myself.
shit, i bawled my sorry head off when bubs out of nowhere stopped me and told me i was a great mom.

but i hurt.
i just want someone to let me know im enough.
maybe that im even good enough.
that it's ok to be seen with me in public, ok to know me.
that i just need a little help having fun cos i always have to be the responsible one and im not always sure how.
i just want someone to let me know they care about me.
maybe that they care about me not cos i can GIVE them anything really, but just cos im worth it.

i can hope that one day i wont ever feel like this again.
and this isnt to say there arent maybe like 4 people on the planet that i can call my friends, but... im alone a lot more than i want to be.
im alone with my thoughts and myself and that never ends up being a very good thing.

so, whatever person is reading this right now or may read this in the future.... and even if no one reads this ever at all...
im in the worst pain of my life.
im in the worst pain because i feel completely rejected and alone.

i don't admit this kind of stuff often.
when i do i get told im crazy.
when i do i get asked if im drunk or high.
the reality is i think that most people don't like being told they may have damaged something.  no one likes to ever be at fault.   plus, if youre not experiencing it, you may just not be aware you're even doing it.

so, i get that i dont matter.
i get it....
i just wish it werent such a resounding reminder ....
i liked not feeling small for a brief moment.
i liked getting hugs and having people want me to come over or say hi.
but slowly.... i stopped mattering and now....
now i wish i never once mattered so at least i wouldnt have to feel like this anymore.

maybe one day i can matter again.  i'd like that.
i'd like to be able to mean something to someone other than a delightful 3 year old.
she's great and all but... what can i give her if im empty myself?

so yeah, this is what a loner sounds like.  a dejected one at least.

Monday, October 7, 2013

a momentary hippie rant

so guys, i unofficially quit my job today.
i woke up with the fullest of intentions on going in and completing this last week, having one week off, then starting my new job. 
well, i took one bite of boring ol oatmeal and my ulcer raged.  im not even sure if it's just one.  it feels like my intestinal tract is lined with an army that is raging nonstop at my expense. 
and then i decided no.

no, im not going to work myself til im sick and in the ER again.

and why do we?
why are we taught to strive for an outstanding dollar amount that will pay for things that most often are basic human necessities?  we need food, water, and shelter.  that is very much so.
but we are taught to strive for this endless amount of money to provide the best of the best of the best.
people die from stress and heart attacks or get sick or miss out on LIFE all at the expense of a paycheck.

i wont do it.
yes, i will work, but not if it means sacrificing my health again.
not if it means losing out on the most important things:  love, happiness, inner peace, learning, and sharing.

maybe i am a big ol god damn hippie.
i dont think it's fair the way the system is run.
we are taught to value people less and things more and confine ourselves to this hamster wheel of a life endlessly running and toiling away for the best of the best while sacrificing what matters most.

people matter most.
things... it's just materialistic stuff.
it's clutter.
people have lessons and stories and hugs and love and smiles.
people share themselves with you and expand your ways of thinkin.
people adventure with you and care for you.
people have experiences with you and grow with you.
people learn from you  and help you learn too.

i miss people. 
i spent over an hour driving to and from work to pick up my kid who got a shell of the mother i know i am all to make this amount of money i hadnt seen in a while.

and after nearly a month, it hit me how little it was worth it.
im going to take my new job working with children, MUCH closer to my house, and be happier.
im going to spend time with friends and hopefully lose the stress ulcer(s).
im going to take 2 weeks and give ME a breather and bubs the mom she deserves...
also im going to give our daycare provider a breather too :)

so friends.... maybe i sound like a self righteous bitch or a commie or a hippie or an idiot...
i dont care what i sound like.
i know what matters to me.
i would rather live humbly with my values than become a shriveled up morsel of the self i know i should be all for a god damn paycheck.

fuck money.
fuck the system.
love people.
learn from people.
share and be kind.
smile and have adventures.
surround yourself with those that make you happy and for fuck's sake...
take a breather.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

playing catch up

i havent written in a while.
i gotta say i don't think i like a 40-50 hour a week job.
i hate it actually.

what i want out of life is continued learning. 
i dont want to stop being in school and delving deeper into the worlds of science and medicine. 
in fact, i understand that the fat dorky lil kid that begged her dad for a microscope should have been encouraged to continue that path instead of laughed at.
so, im 30 and realize now my life dream is to be a scientist and get into things on a neurological level doing biomedical engineering, research and development.
i feel a little behind but so energized and driven to pursue this with or without any support or encouragement.

i look back onto the past 2 years and see what i've accomplished with barely any help and a lot of love from family and friends, new and old.

speaking of family and friends, i barely see you guys.
im forced to love on you via social media sites, and for now, i suppose it'll have to do.

im thankful for the new ones ive met.
the ones that have encouraged me to know and like the real me and let her come out in full force.
the ones that have set me straight with some serious verbal bitch slaps and also some serious hugs and love.

so i read this blip of an article today that talked about peace coming from knowing and accepting ones true self.
i think about how before this summer, that was just some dream of mine.... to grasp who i really am, not the me i think i am, and to really love myself and be proud of myself.
it took a while, but through no kind words of another soul, im getting there.
im realizing how mean i am to myself and how, the closer i get to understanding who i am and the purpose i have, the more greatness i can give.  life is a whole lot better when you're giving.

so maybe this little blog post is a catch up for all of the beautiful people i miss and don't get to see.
i love and appreciate you so much more than you could ever understand.  thank you for who you're helping me realize i am and regardless of how much time passes between our meetings, always being super loving and supportive and kind.

that's all for now i suppose.  this is where i am and i have a lot of people to thank for helping me get here and i wont stop.  i just want to keep going and see what's next....