Saturday, November 30, 2013

he agreed

he agreed to meet me.
i swore i wouldnt talk to him anymore but there is so much bottled up inside of me that a text message cant convey.
plus i think he got off easy and cowardly.
i want to see his face when i tell him he is a liar.
i think that is the only satfisfaction i want out of this word exchange and return of a paperback book from the 70s.

i guess that's how you know you cared for someone more than you intended... the hurt.
the shock.  the aftermath of the storm.  the sight of the wreckage.
the hurt feelings.

how someone can go from wanting to see where things go, to avoiding you in public, to lying right to your face.... that doesn't deserve to get off easy.
all of my words are bottling up inside of me to the point where i find myself saying them out loud.... like a rehearsal for the big show.
i imagine myself tossing the book on some table after my closing point and turning away to go leaving him there speechless.
now, i know that is overdramatic and unrealistic and definitely won't happen but...
good god.

i hate when people get off so easy.
i hate when people fear confronting someone because they're hot or they don't wanna start something.
when you lie directly to my face, stone cold sober with your stand on the situation.... that my friends is what you call LE BULLSHIT.
im from NY. 
LE BULLSHIT is not tolerated.
we call it like it is and expect others to do the same.
i live in MN.
i live in a land of ten thousand lakes and passive aggressive tendencies.
where we smile courteously and talk shit secretively.
no thank you MN.
no thank you indeed.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

giving thanks...

an empty bottle of wine, an empty bag of tostitos, and 3 cigarettes later im staring at a basket full of clean laundry that needs to be folded.
ive yet to shower or leave my bed for the past 6 hours.
ive done some soul searching today and realized a few things.

i, my friends, am a fake.
i pretend that i am some independent tough guy. 
i pretend i like this metallic casing and i dont.
i pretend i hate all things gushy and romantic and i dont.

i did learn today that i like who i am.
i am funny and smart and dare i say even beautiful.
and when the right time comes, someone will respect that and appreciate that as much as i do in this moment right now.
until then, i wont bend or cave for anyone, no matter how physically appealing and full of compliments they may be.
but im willing to let someone past the metal gate if they're worth it..... eventually.

til then, im going to enjoy this buzz and a little thing i missed called SELF RESPECT.

merry giving thanks day all.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

ahem....

it's funny.... no, probably more taxing and wearing, but.... anyway... it's those things... how so many close people can tell you the same thing over and over again and you're full of delirium and excuses as to why your viewpoint is better on some pretty toxic situations. 
and then it happens. 
a kind stranger makes a comment and there you have it.
this snowball effect of actions that have been delayed far past their prime are taking flight and making a glorious path. 

and all it took was a stranger.
all it took was someone random pointing out the very obvious truth.

so this path is a week old now.
i find myself entirely less tolerant of bullshit.
yes, some may find my new persona slightly bitchy, but i had a realization today.

it was in a moment of sweat and torment while running after not having run in 8 months.
i looked up into the mirror in front of the treadmill and saw my bouncing fluffball of a ponytail, my pink cheeks, and my tired, so so tired eyes.
i was about to start making some comment about my thighs or my under eye bags when i realized the most horrifying of realizations.

i blame other people for what i project that i deserve.

the only reason i have had shitty people in my life is because i have allowed it.
the only reason i have been so passive and quiet when these assholes treat me poorly is because i believe that i deserve poor treatment.
the only reason others are critical and snarky toward me is because i am critical and snarky toward myself.
seldom are the kind words and encouraging friends because seldom am i that way toward myself.

with eyes focused on how slow the seconds were ticking away against my mental goal of running another 10 minutes, i found myself about to mentally start cutting myself down, reminding myself i became so sloth-like because of my own laziness and blah blah blah when this tiny little voice came out of nowhere.  this little "ahem..." came from the back of my mind and began to speak kindly.... and i finished those last 10 minutes.

the reason this year has gotten so bad is because of me.
it is because i have allowed far too many people to speak unkind words about me or to me.
i have allowed people to treat me like i am cheap and small.
i have allowed circumstances to dictate who i am.
i chronologically began to process my thoughts and actually figured out that around the time i stopped exercising is the time i started letting other areas of my life slide.

and that's just not ok.

last week i wanted to sleep until the new year in hopes it would be different.
now im deciding that i will not let circumstances or people have the power to dictate who i am.
i am making a conscious decision to put myself first regardless of how lonely it may make me.
i'm ending this year on a higher note.
im enrolled in school and on my slow path to being a scientist.
im making positive changes and no longer letting men use me, treat me like im insignificant and irrelevant, or disrespect me with lies and cheap flattery.
im making positive changes and realizing quality of friends trumps quantity and sadly, not many that i know right now are actual friends.

so im grateful for today.
im grateful for the clarity that running gave me and no more excuses.
excuses made me miserable and angry and im leaving that behind me today.

thank you "ahem" moment. 

Sunday, November 17, 2013

one is not such a bad number

so needless to say yesterday was not a high note for me.
it was a really bad day.
i made a hard decision and wallowed in sadness and bacon fat.

i set myself a time limit on feeling bad tho.  by midnight i had to stop.
by midnight i had to let it go and wake up new.
and i did.

i went and got coffee with an old friend.
i went to get bloody marys and brunch with a new friend.
i ate and ate and ate until i looked pregnant.
i watched the same movie twice just because i could.

i saw the sun peering through a chunk of gloomy clouds.  it illuminated golds and oranges through the contrasting dark gray and navy colors of the clouds where it found small holes. 
i saw this and felt alright again.
even though there is sadness and darkness and some gloomy days, there's always a break.
i love nature for that reminder.
it's so simple and for that im really grateful. 
im thankful nature speaks to me like this.

im happy for today.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

35 minutes left

I gave myself 35 minutes more of feeling this horrible.  I feel like someone scraped my chest with a cheese grater and has rubbed salt and citric acid in at the same time. 
I believed you and you turned out to be a fine actor and the greatest liar. I said goodbye but I really want to shake you to a normal state where you're not obsessed with this stupid popularity game. where you and I  hang out and goof on shit and talk and debate. where I compliment you repeatedly just to see you turn stiff and pink cheeked. 
you taught me once again that I can't trust anyone. how you could lie so much to my face is what's really painful. I don't wanna feel like this. 
even while explaining to you how your recklessness in word and action has hurt me,  you never said anything but an excuse. you never said you cared or admitted to lying. you just gave excuses.
what really sucks is that you had this in mind all along just to  use me when convenient and I was too stupid again not to run screaming at first sight of that.
I don't like you as a human right now but supposing some of your tall tales bore an ounce of truth, I hope the normal you that is genuine and has a soul surfaces again.
til then, I have 26 min left of crying cos I feel so stupid and lied to. I have 26 min left to remember you have no soul and think lying to people so you can have some  popularity and momentary satisfaction on hold for whenever you need is ok.  I have 24  min left now to erase you from my brain and rid myself of any thoughts you'll come good on some things you said.  22 minutes now and then I forget you as easily as you forget me.