Friday, September 21, 2012

feeling mildly pathetic

i don't know if it's like a change in the seasons or in the weather or something that is just making me want MORE change.

i was cleaning my house yesterday (yeah, finals are next week and im skipping class) and i realized, i never have made this my home.  i never really like decorated or made it my own.  everything is mildly organized and in a place where it needs to be, but i can't really say it feels like home.

it's cold and gray out right now.  i treated myself to pumpkin coffee.  sitting on my couch in my pjs with god damn dora on in the background, audrey dancing her little face off.... and all i want is someone here to drink coffee with on my couch.

maybe it's cos my whole schedule for next year got fucked up with school and im graduating a whole quarter later in the end of september, or maybe it's because everyone around me has lives full of drama and pain and craziness that i just want ONE constant.  i just want ONE person to hang out with and be buddies with and have silly fun.  i don't want drama and jealousy and garbage.  i want to drink pumpkin coffee and watch zombie movies at 9 in the morning.

i think i pretend to be all toughy and grrr but deep down i just want a place to call home.  i want a physical house with a porch swing and a big kitchen full of amazing smells, yes, but i just want that place where i feel home.  it's definitely not here.  maybe it's cos as a kid i never really had a family structure, it's something i really want.  just that one place to feel "home."  it's taken me 29 years and one 2 year old to figure out what that means for me and now that i know what it is, i think that is what is making me want it more than ever.

thankfully tho, my walls are up and my picky glasses are on.  i've made that mistake of settling for the facade, the dream house with mold growing in the walls that is falling apart a month after you move in (metaphorically speaking of course).  maybe one day i'll get to be home finally and for good.  for now, i'll settle for pumpkin coffee and my little miss coloring on the coffee table.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

massive meltdown

all in one day.... all of this life vomit in ONE day... im completely at a loss.  i blew up at the admissions department at school.  i got laughed at by my ex.  i made my roommate feel bad for me.  i let my kid see me cry and meltdown. 

the nice parts of today were plenty of sympathy and pity conversations, lots of hugs and shared chocolate milk from audrey, and some french fries for dinner.

i'm stuck.  honestly just very stuck.  i now am graduating 3 months later.  those extra 3 months i am paying for out of pocket.  apparently FA doesnt cover the school fucking up.  them cancelling a class i need and working my schedule so im screwed is apparently MY fault.  i lose my externship spot.  im doomed to a life of chaos for 3 more months. 

i want to scream and yell and hit things.  i want to cry and vomit and eat a whole cake washed down with a bottle of whiskey all at once.  but i know none of this will help.  it wont change what is.  im screwed for 3 more months.  end of story.  if i havent completely fucked everything up by telling the admissions department they are insensitive money hungry tyrants.  oops.  :)