Tuesday, July 26, 2011

maybe it's time

im not posting this on facebook because of all the people that are tattling on me or prying into my business in other ways by saying things behind my back to the obvious other party involved in this situation.  so this will remain here for whoever cares to read.

so, i think it's time.  the past 3 days have been nothing but explosive arguments that my poor daughter has been privy to witness.  it sucks to see the fear in her eyes and hear her cry.  i cant stand it.  she has become extra clingy and fearful of strangers.

im worried because financially, neither of us are very stable.  im even selling my guitar so i can make some extra money.  i know that i just have to put my little one first and things will fall into place as they need to.  i need to just take deep breaths, be prepared to make some necessary sacrifices and changes and buckle down and be the best mom i can be for her.

i see the fear in her eyes when we argue and know that this is NOT the best that i promised to provide for her.  so i think it's time....  a break to start .... and then who knows.

Friday, July 22, 2011

maybe it isnt just me....

maybe i'm not the only one stuck in this vortex of frustration.  maybe i'm not the only one tired of the highs and lows of this relationship carousel that just wont stop. 
is the sanctity of marriage or of a relationship just bullshit?  i mean honestly, this has been a perpetual pattern by the male gender to be sweet and thoughtful and romantic and dorky- all the things us girls secretly love deep down, only to wait for us to be reeled in and smitten and then kick back and coast.  then the arguments happen, then people cheat, then people get upset and sad, then people either become destructive or break up.
this is the cycle of relationships i have known. 

i mean honestly, is it just that the male gender is lazy and slow or is that women have expectations that are just too high?  is it that men really have no idea or that women spend too much time watching romantic comedies and get a warped view of reality? 


i'd like to hope things can be better.  i'd like to hope that one day i can be privy to the dorkiness of love and a functional relationship and not just have it peak at one year and go on the roller coaster ride thereafter.

i'm sure it exists somewhere... but where is it?

Thursday, July 21, 2011

the fork in the road is a roadblock

i'm nearly at my wits end.  every day another accusation.  every day another feeling of lowliness and like i am constantly in the wrong.  i wonder what it's like to do something right aside from my pedestrian masterpieces in the kitchen.  i wonder what it's like to have a healthy balance of understanding and trust.  that certainly is not the case for me.  every day i am accused and stared at like i bear a scarlet letter.  it's enough to do one's own head in. 
i carry a lot of weight.  so much so that my body is starting to suffer.  i will admit i am at fault on a certain spectrum.  i will admit i'm not the most affectionate and patient person around.  i will admit that.  i wont, however, carry guilt and blame for things i have not done.
i feel incredibly dead inside.  the only spark of life i get is from a 16 month old little wonder that greets me with morning snuggles and big smiles.  aside from her, i feel an aching void where i once had a spark and a steady sound.  it's cold to live in an echoing, soundless cavern.  i miss the sounds of noise and music.  i miss the squeals of laughter.  i miss those things.  it's a rare thing to hear them anymore.
i find my patience is at an all time low, the bags under my eyes have their own bags, my stomach is constantly churning itself into a knotted knot, and my house is no longer a place i want to call "home." 
i wish there were only a quick fix.  a flick of a switch, a push of a few buttons, some magic words, and "PRESTO!"  instant sanity!  unfortunately reality is not that amazing. 
i had this amazing goal to stay positive in my 28th year.  it is proving to be harder and harder as each day progresses and my situations are at a stand still.  i am trying to be patient and know that there is a light at the end of this long and ever winding tunnel, but it's hard when your flashlight's run out of batteries and you're surrounded by darkness on every side.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

polident smiles

i keep being reminded by quite a few sweet, dear friends of mine to be positive.
it's nice to constantly have that reminder, but sometimes.... damn it, sometimes i just wanna be pissed off and angry and sad and whiny.  sometimes i want to be allowed to have a self-destructive streak without being reminded that i'm not acting appropriately.

maybe it's my adult nature wanting to lash out like a child.  maybe it's because i simply feel too dead and tired to pick my guitar up and write a song.

i don't know that i am completely happy with all the choices that have led me to where i am now.  i dont know that i really want to deal with the weight of change to bring me to a place where i assume i'll be happy.  the grass is always greener right?  what if there is no grass?  what if there is a girl, sitting on a fence, staring at mud?  what if there's nothing but mud?  what do i have to compare anything to?

it sucks that deep down i do know where i want to be and am too afraid to move.  or, i take baby steps and am constantly frustrated with my progress, or lack thereof. 

it also sucks that im so overemotional.  i never know if my unhappiness stems from being on the far side of things.  what if everything is fine but my warped girl-tastic mind has stretched it to somewhere it is nowhere near?

my heart says one thing and my brain says another.  then there's my "gut".... the ever ignored common sense generator.  that has become mute in my small world.

and what a small world i have.  i escalate the tiniest issues and make mountains out of grains of sand.  am i that bored and boring?

i gave up on meditation a while ago because i just cant make my brain shut off for a few minutes.  i'm contemplating returning to that once more.  i wonder if i just took a step back and lived in the moment, embracing the here and now, if my outlook on the present would change, or if i would be more motivated to follow through with change..... would i see things the same or would they be much different from what i think they are now?

i carry so much guilt and fear .... vulnerable little me will broadcast it to whomever is reading.  i want so much that i feel guilty.  im fearful to go after what i want.  im afraid of letdown and rejection and failure.  im afraid of making a mistake that will ultimately ruin what crumbling remains i have left to stand on.  i feel guilty for wanting change... for assuming i deserve better and not being content with what is now.  is that my real problem?  am i just not content enough?  am i just so greedy?  will i ever be content?  it's like after i had audrey, my mind snapped and i want this massive life overhaul.  is it that i finally woke up or is it that i'm being a demanding child, kicking and screaming for what i want and demanding it now?

it's amazing what 4am does to the brain.  my fingers can't type fast enough as the thoughts are flooding out... i have so much on my mind and this electronic therapist is offering no suggestions to my many questions and dilemas.

Friday, July 15, 2011

a break from mommy-ing

audrey and i are like joined at the hip, except when i'm working or if she's at daycare.  it is a rare moment that she is home and i am out with friends.... very rare.  i made it a point though this 28th year of my life to start making ME more of a priority.  i know i'm a good mom, i know i have only her best interests in mind, and i know i put her way more than first in my life.... so what's wrong with ME time?  nothing, that's what.

it has been bizarre the 2x i did get to go hang out with friends without her... i forgot how sarcastic i am.  i forgot how dorky i am.  i forgot how much i like to laugh.  i forgot how interested i am in hearing adults conversing on even the most far off topic from what i understand.  i forgot how much i love being around large groups of people and watching others i don't know in crowded public places.

i'm not going to feel bad no matter how much i'm made to sometimes.  i am a 28 year old woman with a child.  i'm a mom AND a 28 year old woman.  i can be both.  sometimes i feel kind of bad cos my weekends are shot from needing sleep to do my overnight shifts, but my once or twice a month excursions out of the confines of my house shouldn't be laden with guilt.  i should get to remember the joys of laughter and being a person, and being energized from that high come home to my sweet little lady who needs a happy mom and a mom that knows who she is.

i cant say i entered my 28th year of life with a handle on that very well.  i cant say i was genuinely happy, aware of myself, or anywhere CLOSE to feeling like a real person.  i CAN say however, that since aging, i feel a new found sense of courage and assurance.  i'm not a bad mom for needing a few nights out in a month.  i'm not a bad mom for needing NON-mom friends as well AS mom-friends.  i'm not a bad mom for having fun without my kid.  i'm not a bad mom for coming home after 1am.  i'm not a bad mom for simply needing a break.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

ready to quit on humanity

im at my wits end with people.  i assume the absolute best in everyone.  i assume the best until .... STAB STAB STAB!   ouch.  i put myself out there like a human target, arms wide open, ready to embrace anyone and everyone and give until i have nothing left with whatever free time i can muster up..... and then.... PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH!  ouch.

i think im just ready to give up on people.  im tired of being let down, snubbed, and bailed on.  im tired of people trying to spare my feelings or ignoring me completely.  im tired of lies and flattery.

just wish people would be honest like i assume they are.  maybe i just should start assuming the worst in everyone and then i wont be hurt so much when they let me down, lead me astray, or snub me completely.

i thought i left high school 10 years ago, but i guess it still carries on....

Sunday, July 10, 2011

things could always be worse

i felt free for a moment.  i had a direction, a course, a path i was going to follow regardless of the obstacle.  then came the downpour.  then also came some sunshine.  then came some hail that gave me cuts and bruises....  and now i feel as if i am sitting on the side of the road admiring my battle wounds.  current situations feel like salt being poured into the deepest ones.  sometimes it's like im crying out in pain and more salt just keeps getting poured on.  i'm being told it's for the better, that good things will come of it.... but all i feel right now is a stinging pain where my heart used to be.

i do the math and nothing adds up.  i think back and regret my choices.  i find myself thinking too long and too hard about things that are not as they somehow should be.  my body feels heavy.  my head feels hollow.

i know this is only a temporary train of thought though.  it's 3 in the morning, i'm overtired and working overnight.  of course melancholy drama is going to seep into whatever open pores are available.

i want better.  i want to be genuinely happy.  i want all the negative nancys out of my life and all the phonies and fakes away from me...  i want to surround myself with happy people, with good people, with nice people.  i dont want arguing and drama.  i dont want dissension and blame round the clock.  sometimes i feel as if i bear some unnamed guilt in my sleep... i would accept it if i believed it were true.

my thoughts are as loose and incoherent as someone that's put away one too many.

i should stop here before i say something i regret.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

optimism paid off

i made it a birthday goal to make 28 a year of thinking positively, of making better and healthier mental and physical changes in my life, and so far, it's been rough.  i wanted to get on here and just type long stories of how i have conquered the demons in my brain pushing me to think such negative and sad things.  i want to say that my life is unfolding in the most positive light and everything is coming up sunshine and daffodils.  but no.  dear reader, no.

things have been much harder than i anticipated.  things started off much more heavy than i would have liked.  but that's life i suppose.  things are not always going to be smiley faces and shiny stars or go the exact way i want or have planned.  unfortunately life is like a carousel full of creepy horses, scary music, and constant up and downs being controlled by a short fat carnie that wont stop the damn ride. 

i have been making a more conscious effort to think positively.  i can sometimes have a really shit attitude.  i think the universe is against me.  i think people hate me.  i think no one wants to be around me and everything is going to go horribly wrong.  i have this like apocalyptic mindset where i'm trying to prepare for the worst, for every natural disaster before it's even happened.  i try to brace myself for the fall that just may be coming.

it is SO stressful to live like that!  good grief!  all my efforts are spent stressing myself out about things that haven't yet happened and might not.  i never just enjoy the moment and embrace what is.  and i miss out on a lot.  i miss out on SO much.

well, today, i didnt.  i went to work tired, cranky, and with the weight of my own personal world on my shoulders.  i went with not the best attitude at all to deal with 6 residents that need a lot of attention and one on one care.  i walked through the door with a headache, tired, and really not having the urge to be there.  and then, i dug in deep, and had a pretty fun night.  i let the weight of the outside world come off, let my guard down, and actually.... had fun!  i laughed, i watched "The Music Man" with a resident, ate a cookie, and ... i laughed.  i enjoyed the company of my coworkers.  i enjoyed the company of my residents.  and i noticed, one particular resident i was paired with was a lot more helpful today than normal.  i wasnt anticipating the worst, and she gave me the best! 

28 is going to be a life-altering year.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

another year gone

every birthday i sort of just sit and reflect on the year past and debate whether or not i made good use of it.  it all started when i turned 19.  i had been extremely suicidal and depressed most of my adolescence.  one year, all my friends that i had come to know in my new "homestate" were out of town or out of the country, so i was pretty much alone.  i took a walk to a bridge and stared out at the water.  i started thinking about jumping.  i began to think about drowning.  and then something cracked me upside the head and i realized, i'd made it another year.  maybe my life wasn't perfect or exactly where i wanted it, but i'd made it.  i didnt quit.

since then, every year i make sure i spend some time by myself and just reflect on the past year and see where i'm at.  sometimes it's a rude awakening, other times i feel very proud and accomplished.

so .... 27. what a rough year.  it was a total blur.  i was learning how to be a mommy and be a working mommy at that.  i made a lot of life changing decisions.  i quit a semi-stable job with pretty decent income to take a pay cut to be able to go back to school.  but after years of griping and complaining, i'm there.  i start in october.  i grew a lot personally i think.  some of that i attribute to being a parent and having to be a grown up even when i just want to lash out like a child or act inappropriately.  i came to terms with a lot of things about me i never wanted to face or deal with before.  i cowered.  i caved.  i gave in to fear.  i made new friends.  i lost a ton of weight.  i grew more confident and then had all that confidence run into hiding. 

so this year... 28....
what will become of me this year?
well, for starters, i'm going back to school and should be done before i'm 30.  i am working on saving money so i can go do things i want to do for a change.  i am being more forward and direct with what i want and not having any shame about it.  i am going to ask for help.  i am going to learn to love who i am, body and all.  i am going to work hard and strive for better.  i'm not going to settle for things because they are convenient.  i see big changes on the horizon.  big things and better things.  i dont know in what areas of my life they'll come, but i feel as if chapters are closing and as much as i enjoyed reading that same chapter over and over, it's time to move on so i can finish the book before it's due back at the library and i get charged an astronomical fee.  this year, i am going to be "selfish."  i am going to make sure that i get ME time.  i'm not going to feel guilty for it.  i am a great mom, i work hard, and do a lot.  i deserve it.  im going to stick up for myself this year and not get walked all over and taken advantage of.  i dont deserve that. 

this is a year i dont want to waste on pessimism and anger.  this is a year i dont want to wallow in self pity and sadness.  this is a year that i want to be productive and meaningful.  this is a year i have no shame in the person that i am and am becoming.  this is a year that i accept me for me.  this is a year for change and for better things.  this is going to be a good year.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

neighborly love

i'm not sure what ethnicity they are, hmong or thai ... and i know that those are 2 very different cultures, i'm just not sure, and not sure how to ask.
regardless... they are the most wonderful neighbors.  for starters, the man (i cant spell his name but it is pronounced like THAI) will mow part of our curb grass for us and in the winter will shovel part of our sidewalk for us.  the women that live there will try very hard to speak english with me and i speak to their children and their children enjoy our cat and audrey. 
today though, our neighbors went above and beyond.  im not sure how many people live in their house... sometimes i see about 8 children running around the yard and a few older children coming and going, and other times i barely see anyone.  they gave us a small, but beautifully grilled whole fish with the head cut off and the belly was stuffed with the most amazing herbs and chilies.  i have not had fresh fish for a long time, let alone prepared that way.  i can not even begin to explain the feeling that it gave me.  mind you, i have an issue with food and eating and my body size right now anyway, but.... oh my gosh i could have eaten that forever.  i just wanted to keep exploring all of the different flavors that were hitting all the different corners in my mouth.
along with that piece of fish came a handful of freshly grown cilantro.  that is my FAVORITE herb!

while we had a power outage this evening, he was outside (and i forgot to ask again where he's from) but i did tell him how amazing that fish was.  he said he would try to teach me what he did.... im not so sure how good it will work out, but i sure hope i can get a lesson in some measure.

i really want to travel.  i want to go to other countries and eat.  haha.... says the girl with the mild eating disorder.  but seriously, i want to learn about other cultures through their food.  i want to learn what spices they use and what is popular in their country to eat.  for many people, cooking is a way of showing love, not just a means to a basic necessity such as eating.  i think it would be really amazing to learn to cook all these different cultural dishes.  it excites me... just recalling the amazing reaction in my mouth when i tasted what the belly of the fish was stuffed with..... mmmmm!

i love my neighbors.