Sunday, October 19, 2014

momma guilt

"it's one of those perfect sundays that only has the possibility of becoming greater."

i just posted this bullshit line on facebook and had to tweet it as well.

"adversity brings about the sweetest changes."

i tweeted that bullshit line too.

actually no, that last one is not bullshit at all.  it's the truth im finding in these contemplative moments.  but this thinking almost always, without fail, pulls a 180 on me.  all of a sudden a pang of guilt shoots through my body, stabbing like a dull knife through my heart and slicing its way down through my stomach and out my colon, handle side first.

ok a bit graphic, but still.  i think about these moments of quiet i so long for during the week when i come home from work and i just want to put on these oversized fleece pajama pants, have a pizza, watch a movie, and fall asleep on the couch and the blue light of the computer screen.  i have it right now... that perfect peace from just a perfect moment of tranquility and light.  bubs isnt here.  there is my guilt.  i feel bad that sometimes i just want her not here so i can just have quiet.   does that make me a bad mom for just wanting some alone time?

now mind you, any other mother that says THE SAME EXACT THING TO ME.... i am all up in her business preaching from my plastic milk crate of a soapbox about how she's no good to anyone unless she gets time to be herself and know herself.... that she's entitled to hobbies and friends too... that you'll snap if you don't acknowledge that you need time .... that life deserves to be appreciated and enjoyed by ALL people... blah blah, blahdity blah...

so when will this resonate its truth with me?  when do i get to not have this nagging little monster on my shoulder calling me names for having fun with my friends and sleeping in past 730am?

im trying to use a moment like now, a day like today, to finally shove that little beast off and keep on smiling....

Sunday, October 12, 2014

the champion of oversharing

i've been told recently that i'm too vulnerable, too open, too exposed with my personal life.
i was told i shouldnt post it on the internet for all to read because it could become a weapon used against me.
i told them that i didn't care.

and i realized then that those were not defensive words.... i really don't care.
my life and my struggles are in fact open to the public regardless of how well i know someone, not as some pithy cry for attention and desire to bring the next lifetime original made for tv movie into real life.

i just figure that life hits people hard sometimes, some harder than others. 
i'm coming to find that i am a normal human being for my somewhat unpredictable thought patterns and emotional roller coaster rides.
the more i have opened up to people- strangers and friends via the interwebs or face to face conversations, the more i've been able to come to terms with my own struggles and situations.

yes, many could turn around and wound me with such private and personal knowings.  yes, many have turned and stabbed me in the back with things i've said in confidence or out in the open.
but do i take the backhanded slaps and wounds of the few and assume that all are this way?  no.  i look at the sea of faces around me, some just as crazy and anxious as i am feeling hopelessly alone and lost in what they are going through, and am reminded that sometimes all someone really wants to know is that they're not alone.

for the longest time, suicide was my "out" for the times i felt so alone.  i would cry myself into a frenzy and pull myself deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole of despair and get lost.  i saw no light at the end of the tunnel, heard no hopeful or familiar sounds... just despair and blackness and hopelessness.  on occasion a hand would break the darkness and pull me up and out.  i'd hear the song of kind words and realize that i was in fact, NOT alone.  it was moments like those that made me who i am today... a complete OVER share-er.  and i don't feel bad about it.

so take my rants for what you will.  take my oversharing or leave it.
i've come to terms with the fact that we're all a little fucked up, we're all a little scared, we're all a little unsure and walking timidly, we all have that feeling of anxiety and loneliness... some are just better at faking it than others and i for one SUCK at being a phony.  so here i am world in all of my oversharing... take me or leave me, but i still don't care either way.