Saturday, June 29, 2013

appreciation

this word... this bundle of letters make up this word that carries such power and meaning.
this combination of sounds that holds so much within itself.

i learned a lot about this word today.
it came up in conversation effortlessly but repeatedly.

today i learned to appreciate.
i learned to appreciate the city i live in... that on one side of me there is chaos and clutter and busy-ness, yet on the other side of me there is tranquility and peace and nature.  im lucky to get to experience that and i appreciate it.

i appreciate that i work up in a sour and foul mood and merely went to get brunch with a friend and it turned into this all day adventure of revealing conversation and truth and feelings and understanding.  there was so much light in today and i appreciate that.

i like that i was forced to see the scope of life outside of my tunnel SELF vision.
so to those that read this that are in my life and to those that dont read this that are in my life...
i want you to know...
i appreciate you.

i appreciate how you let me get to know you, that you want to get to know me, that you see things in me and tell me whether they are good or bad.  i appreciate that you make time for me whether frequent or sparse.  i appreciate you listening to me and letting me listen to you.  i can't thank you enough and i hope the power of this one word will make it to your understanding as you read this or that you can feel it in my thoughts... i appreciate you.

sometimes it's a day of spontaneity and repair to make you realize you have everything you need and everything, for right now, is exactly where it needs to be.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

the most beautiful confusion i have ever known

all of the girly thoughts and feelings.
and i suppress most of them.
i have this facade that i am invincible.
this front that i am cold and stubbornly calloused and independent.
this lie that i am above the one basic human want many of us, out of fear, run from.

i can't run anymore.
i can't lie anymore.
i am really awful at pretending.

the truth is eating at my insides.
this thing with the dragonflies.... this self realization....
self, youre a god damn dirty little liar.

it's nothing major at all.
it's no horrendous secret.
in fact, im sure it's rather obvious.

yet i have played this obliviously ditzy fool.
i have played ignorant at best and it has been my worst performance to date.

i said so much leaning me in one direction so as to not appear weak.
in and out of these words and actions said and shown to me, i wasn't sure what to think.
i heard myself blurting out words with no feeling attached but a fake puffed chest kind of gusto that had no real heart behind it.

if i told the truth id be holding jagged fragments of my little heart.
at least that's what id assumed for so long.
now i am at the place if i dont tell the truth, my insides will erupt and i will not be allowed to awaken any further.

the reason i stress how UNimportant this is is merely because it only matters to me really.
i need to come clean to myself.

the reality is, my heart is pulled in this one direction.
ive tried to steer it down alternate avenues and it goes but always comes running back at faster speeds than the first time.

this one direction is an enigma however.
so many twists and turns.
so many one way's when i need to go left.
but it is the most beautiful confusion i have ever known.

ive been half honest.
the only part i havent been completely honest about is just admitting that...
i dont want any other directions.  and although this one direction usually has a lot of road work and it's closed or congested because only one lane is open... it's the only road i want to venture down.  it looks adventurous and is alluring.

so, enigmatic road, there's that but the wonder coursing through my tiny brain is the obvious....
what if you dont want my junky car on your road?  what if you do not have roads that are built for the kind of adventure and dorky displays that are simply all i want?

this is why coming clean to yourself is so scary cos it never just involves YOU.

but i have to.
for whatever reason and regardless if this ends me up in a car crash and i total my vehicle and the road is closed and shut down forever and paved over with sharp glass poking through to unsuspecting tires that don't know the patterns in which to swerve out of harm's way.... i guess i will just have to take the chance and see.

i dont want to speed.
i dont want to race to the figurative finish line.
i dont even want to set cruise control and coast at a quick pace.
i want to enjoy the scenery at the pace im currently at.
i just want this road to not have any other cars on it...
i just want this road to not be a dead end.

regardless of what i want tho... what i really need is to just come clean with things in my own head and heart to be able to move and grow and see a little bit better in this apparent dark.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

a place of calm

so already i woke up today and some stuff that is pretty petty and frivolous is bothering me.
feeling butt-hurt about some things so far outside of my control had me beginning my early start with tense muscles and a sour face.
granted im physically so so tired, but....
i find that when these feelings hit me, i go back to last nite.
i go back to the calm that was nature and staring at clouds and admiring the most amazing sunset that looked as if the universe had painted me a custom portrait.
i go back to where the world around me looked so picturesque that i felt like i was in a movie.... i mean how could nature be THAT beautiful?

it reminds me to slow down.
it reminds me to put some things on the back burner and just appreciate life around me and to hunt down places that are that beautiful and serene.

at this point im like .... who needs meds and going to therapy when there's this?
there's a calm that comes over me when i reflect back to the overwhelming beauty i saw last night.
i don't want to forget that.
i want to carry that with me when im afraid or nervous or anxious or butt-hurt or sad.

so thanks universe for opening my eyes past the surface.

i always like looking into the deeper realm of things... kinda why im a science junkie. 
i love those national geographics on the deep sea and outer space....
i love looking past what i already know into what lies beneath the small fragment of surface that has been scratched and uncovered.

i love life.
there is more depth than we care to realize.
we get so hung up on the surface of things.
we get so hung up on what is visible that we forget there is so much unseen.
there is so much depth to life and to people that we shy away from ....
but once your eyes are opened and you see LIFE on a level a bit closer to the real scope of things....
it wakes you up in a way that you've never felt awake before.

i hope these images only further me on my life journey and never escape my conscious and subconscious thought pattern.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

from breathtaking to life changing

today was a really up and down day.
by the end of the day i was flustered and done and angry and grumpy.
i was tense and feeling really unhappy.

but then my friend kelly took me out canoeing with her bf dave.
as we paddled through the water, the sun began to set.
i found myself finding shapes in the clouds and being mesmerized by the light and endless wonder in front of me.
then we began to go through areas with more trees and little tunnels and a canal.
it was magical.
the lil dandelion floaties were coming down through the tall trees with their lush, green leaves and long branches.
it was perfect and calming.
i have never felt that peace and tranquility in my life.
and it was just what i needed.

anyway, while we were paddling through the water, a dragonfly apparently was flying around the back of my head and landed on my head and hung out there.  it wouldnt move and i tried shaking my head even.  finally it flew off when i swatted at it.  i wanted to look up the symbolism of a dragonfly because that seemed a little weird.  what i found was actually even more breathtaking than the nature that just blew my mind.

To the Japanese, it symbolizes summer and autumn and are admired and respected all over, so much so that the Samurai use it as a symbol of power, agility and best of all, Victory.
In China, people associate the dragonfly with prosperity, harmony and as a good luck charm.
Amongst Native Americans, it is a sign of happiness, speed and purity. Purity because the dragonfly eats from the wind itself

In many regions and as a norm of this day, the dragonfly is considered to be an agent of change and presumably symbolic of a sense of self realization. Self realization from how the dragonfly uses its power to control its movements and so elegantly. And change and evolution is all about the dragonfly’s ability to fly and the way it can be comfortable on water, land as well as the air.

Symbolisms of the Dragonfly

  • Maturity and a Depth of character
    The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life.

    The traditional association of Dragonflies with water also gives rise to this meaning to this amazing insect. The Dragonfly’s scurrying flight across water represents an act of going beyond what’s on the surface and looking into the deeper implications and aspects of life.
  • Power and Poise
    The dragonfly’s agile flight and its ability to move in all six directions exude a sense of power and poise - something that comes only with age and maturity.
    The dragonfly can move at an amazing 45 miles an hour,  hover like a helicopter fly backwards like a hummingbird, fly straight up, down and on either side. What is mind blowing is the fact that it can do this while flapping its wings a mere 30 times a minute while mosquitoes and houseflies need to flap their wings 600 and 1000 times a minute respectively.

    The awe inspiring aspect is how the dragonfly accomplishes its objectives with utmost simplicity, effectiveness and well, if you look at proportions, with 20 times as much power in each of its wing strokes when compared to the other insects.  The best part is that the dragonfly does it with elegance and grace that can be compared to a veteran ballet dancer. If this is not a brazen, lazy, overkill in terms of display of raw power, what is?
  • Defeat of Self Created Illusions
    The dragonfly exhibits iridescence both on its wings as well as on its body. Iridescence is the property of an object to show itself in different colors depending on the angle and polarization of light falling on it.

    This property is seen and believed as the end of one’s self created illusions and a clear vision into the realities of life. The magical property of iridescence is also associated with the discovery of one’s own abilities by unmasking the real self and removing the doubts one casts on his/her own sense of identity. This again indirectly means self discovery and removal of inhibitions.
  • Focus on living ‘IN’ the moment
    The dragonfly normally lives most of its life as a nymph or an immature. It flies only for a fraction of its life and usually not more than a few months. This adult dragonfly does it all in these few months and leaves nothing to be desired. This style of life symbolizes and exemplifies the virtue of living IN the moment and living life to the fullest. By living in the moment you are aware of who you are, where you are, what you are doing, what you want, what you don’t and make informed choices on a moment-to-moment basis.

    This ability lets you live your life without regrets like the great dragonfly.
  • The opening of one’s eyes
    The eyes of the dragonfly are one of the most amazing and awe inspiring sights. Given almost 80% of the insect’s brain power is dedicated to its sight and the fact that it can see in all 360 degrees around it, it symbolizes the uninhibited vision of the mind and the ability to see beyond the limitations of the human self. It also in a manner of speaking symbolizes a man/woman’s rising from materialism to be able to see beyond the mundane into the vastness that is really our Universe, and our own minds. 

so yeah... holy shit.  i feel like something amazing is going to happen soon.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

embracing all of the inner crazy

i cant stop processing.
i feel like im betraying my inner crazy by letting thoughts flow with racing speed from my brain to my fingertips to this crusty keyboard and onto the blank document in front of me attached to a bunch of codes and a link all signifying that none of this is personal.
all of the thoughts in my head... the scary, the good, the bad, the mean, the friendly, the positive, the angry..... all of the thoughts.... they're not my own anymore.

why share this kelly?
ATTENTION SEEKING WHORE.

that's what you wanted to see right?
you want me to own up to what you think.
im not that.
i know im not that.

i like stories... i like hearing others stories and often times get so excited i forget to shut up and let them finish.
i like knowing im not alone.
for most of my life ive been made to feel ostracized or inhuman due to some ways in which i process feelings or the feelings that i am attempting to process.

there is no harm in feeling or seeing or learning or processing.
there is no harm in wanting to understand and move forward.

but it goes against all i know.
it goes against the safety mechanism that tells me to keep it all trapped inside, to put on the facade and happy face that says im fine but while the curtrain is drawn, i drop all of the juggling pins and am an epic failure.  who wants to pay good money to see that?

the reason i have friends and have lost friends is simply because i have no shame.
i have no shame in the crazy up and down emotional frenzy that is my life.
do i like it all the time?  no.
is it just the way things are right now?  yes.

so love me or hate me, take me or leave me.
i like this crazy mess of a person i am.
it helps me empathize with others around me and accept the people that get looked over because they may not "look right" or "fit in" which i always found to be bullshit labeling excuses for someone else's ignorance.

you dont know unless you take a peek inside.
thankfully im like a peeping tom of souls or something.
well that may also be a blessing and a curse but still...

embrace the inner crazy.
at least that's what i plan to do today.

4am rambles

im afraid of all of the things in front of me.
ill use busy as an excuse but really lazy is my source of reason.

and then it hits me and i wonder.
i wonder if i use the chaos and the madness....
i wonder if i make my own insanity and craziness....
i wonder if i thrive on the unstable yet predictable....
i wonder if i need that to function in order to avoid the unavoidable....
because if my eyes are too busy and my hands are too full, i can't really get to those things now can i?

when i slow down and have a moment where im not "doing" or "busy" or "needed" .... that's when i think best.
it's when i feel.
it's when reality creeps in with her sweet, gentle, brutally honest whispers.

the reality is im afraid.
im afraid to fail.
im afraid to cower.
im afraid to stand out.
im afraid to be hidden.
basically i am just so afraid to let down or be let down, to succeed or to fail, that i simply do nothing.

i do nothing until these moments hit where i am faced with a person i was afraid of talking to.  im  faced with a person i was intimidated by that is all too real and beautiful.  im faced with having to look someone in the eye and be sincere.  to answer questions about myself and also seek out who they are as well.

those are the moments are when i feel most alive.  those are the moments when i wonder what the hell im really hiding from.  from myself?  that's probably right.

i was bred in an environment of perfection.
perfect body, perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect grades, perfect house, perfect car, perfect family, perfect life plan, perfect motivation, perfect drive, perfect outcomes......
i was none of these things.
i still AM none of these things.
all the while i wonder why anyone even seeks to strive for these things.  they're temporal and bullshit.  they mean nothing about the core substance of a person.  these are not what make up people i want to be around.
but still, subconsciously unconscious i hold myself to these standards.  it's what i know but it's certainly not the life i want to live.

if i began to live my life in reality, the reality that no one gives a shit about the size of my pants or the color of my hair.... where people care more about who you are than what you are.... i wonder where i would be and who i would be.  i wonder what people would come back that have run from my insanity.  i wonder what possibilities and doors may open due to being optimistic and hopeful.

but for now i stare.... i stare deep into some pixilated screen hoping to find solace in yoga poses and facebook.  it's 4am and my life dictates work.  my life dictates 8 hours of solitude and facing the harsh thoughts that run amok in my delicate cerebral cortex. 

for now i stare deep into the bowels of the range of my emotions. 
i stare deep into the glaring eyes of what i want and realizing it could happen and it just may not. 
i stare deep into the reality that need and want are separate entities and not one decorative gift you get just for the hell of it.

for now i look past the realm of the have-not, past the ways i have fallen and failed, past all of my flabby spots and imperfections, past the good bit of crazy i dare not hide and almost arrogantly display for the world around me to just KNOW i dont have it all together and it is OK...... i look into the haves.... i look deep into the haves and the calms and the solid facts that i cant ignore.
they bring me back to reality and away from the deprecating and destructive thoughts my self can get carried away with. 

im tired.
i want to stop.
when i stop i feel bad.
i feel bad for all i should have and could have done.
im tired.
i want to stop.
i feel bad for all of the people i ignore and look past.
i am sad for all of the times i miss out on.
i am elated for the hugs to come.
im hopeful for the conversations and coffees and whiskeys that will ignite that spark again and that want to just keep knowing more. 

the ebb and flow of comings and goings... that's what really does me in.
but the universe..... this sometimes gentle and sometimes gusting breeze that takes me .... it knows..... it knows more than i do where and how i need to go.
and it's time again for change... it's time again to go...
like a twisting cyclone of destruction....
past all of the obvious evidence.....

Saturday, June 15, 2013

all it needed was a little love

the tree in a charlie brown christmas. 
that stringy, branchy mess of shedding needles.
everyone picked on the dude for pickin the reject.
but maybe he saw something in that little tree.
maybe he saw himself.
maybe he picked that one because of his own inner self just wanting to belong and be accepted and have a family and a place to call home.
maybe he picked it because deep down, he wanted to save himself and show the people he was surrounded by that you shouldn't judge something for being small and pretty insignificant and homely. 
maybe all charlie brown was trying to do was show potential in the runt and the underdog.

at the end... linus is like "hey guys, this thing's not so bad.  it just needs love."
and they all decorate it and see its beauty.

im in plant mode cos normally i KILL plants. 
not intentionally, i just have the blackest of green thumbs.
but bubs and i planted all of these seeds.
i just remember being super grumpy and her being grumpy, but we sat on the deck and filled up these lil pots with some soil and planted these seeds.  she was so proud and excited to help. 
every day for the past week she's been asking to see if they've grown and mama dismal over here tried to remind her how LONG it takes for plants to grow.  this morning i got home from work, couldn't sleep, and on my many trips to the kitchen to stuff food in my face, i noticed that the thing kept growing at a rapid speed.  by the time i left at 930  for work, one plant was seriously like nearly sprouting little flowers....

i realized what love can do.
a little love and a little hope.
it can really cause a tiny sprout to flourish and grow at a speed not so human.
i cant WAIT to show a bubs on monday!!!
i cant wait to show her what her love and hope have done for these tiny little seeds.

and how i need to apply this to my own life.
the last time i was at yoga, before leaving, we had to focus and focus on acceptance and compassion for ourselves first and then others. 
hearing that makes me tear up.
i realize what a dick i am to myself.
for 15 years i have been beating myself up about my body, assuming every time i put food in my mouth i am next to satan as far as evil goes.  for 15 years i have measured my worth and value in this world and in others' lives by the size of my pants and the number staring at me on the scale.   i have beaten myself up about my productivity, about my appearance or personality.  i never am quite ENOUGH. 
i cant be the person i know im to be and help others the way i want to if i am a fragmented spectacle of a person. 

i feel trapped.
i feel enclosed in these sickening thoughts.
these horribly poisonous thoughts that envelop all sense of logic and sound reasoning.
and then there are people i meet that there is just something about them....
this familiar feeling.
this feeling that we are one in the same.
and then i hear their story.
and then i realize there is freedom from this.
there is a side opposite of where i am at that is waiting for me.

so why the paralysis kid?
why the fear of movement?
maybe these few people that have come into my life and stuck recently are the linus-es.  maybe all i need is a little love to become what im meant to be.... from this reject pile of shedding sticks to a full, bright little display.
i mean what can i really bring to others in this broken state im currently in.

tomorrow's a new day.
a day i full intend to embrace with change and life.
today was a bad one but tomorrow's a new one.
that's hope enough for something better, right?

Monday, June 10, 2013

the harmonious villain

so apparently i am all of the bad guy.
that deceitful and devious, malicious, malevolant stranger that comes in like a theif wreaking havoc on the city with selfish intentions.  sinister and vicious.  cruel and spiteful...

ok, obviously that chunk of adjectives was full of sarcasm.
im just really at the point where i am sick of technology.
im sick of this ability to tear someone down verbally through text like a freakin coward.  if you have such hateful words to use, why not actually open your mouth and say them directly to me? 
probably due to intimidation and fear that i will punch you right in the mouth i am presuming.
honestly at this point i am very sure that if this person speaks to me i will punch them in the god damn mouth as hard as possible. 

J is becoming more difficult.
he has wanted me to fail since i uttered the words "i cant do this anymore.  i need to be on my own."  for over 4 years he had the control.  i was afraid and voiceless.  i couldn't stand up for myself because our life was so much about what other people would think.  it was about upholding some bullshit image of perfection and happiness.  reality was this momma working 35 hours a week, takign care of infant bubs, doing laundry and cleaning and cooking and shopping and bills and budgeting while captain of the ship had to maybe mow and take out trash, go to work, and spend his evenings and weekends at the gym training or teaching or playing video games til all hours of the night.  that was life.  it wasn't fair and it wasn't right.  so i stood up for myself.

yes i know "life isn't fair."  cliche and oh how true. 
and right now, i am doign all of the things on my own.  granted i work less hours and have more bubs time, but it's still the same.  im a total mess for sure, but im not taking care of a grown adult.  just myself and bubs.... ok that's a like, mostly it's just bubs and when i REMEMBER i get taken care of too.

but anyway back to my rant about how awful i am of a person.
J has wanted to see me fail and i havent.
a 4.0 for over a year of my time at school with a hectic and pretty lonely schedule and im done in a few months.  im not stifled by someone who has no ambition or drive to be better.  im on my own, free to be myself and explore and be FREE in general.  but that requires some help.  i mean, shit, i cant do EVERYTHING on my own and without trying to sound like a total C word, bubs isnt just MY kid....

but no.  i ask for flexibility and a break from the exhaustion but i get cursed at and talked down to and degraded... all via text.  in person, the man will grunt a few words at me letting me know how bubs is doing, but via text.... that man can find a whole thesaurus full of delightfully choice ways to call me a bitch, lazy, a liar, a horrible person, deceitful, greedy.... i mean you name it, ive been called it.  i used to fight back.  word for word i would fight until my thumbs were sore.  there's no poitn to that..

today i calmly explained the reality of the situation after being bombarded with such fragrant phrases from him.... and then he stopped until he could find a nastier comeback.

i am oh so very very tired of this.  i mean, a lot of you that i've recently met... you wonder why i am the way i am.... you wonder why i question my value, my appearance, my worth, if you like me for real or not as a person, if im boring or insane.... THIS IS WHY.  for 4 years i was lied to and talked down to and lately it's just become bullying.  there are days where i start out calm, relaxed, and very self assured.  then this happens.  it's so frustrating to find myself making progress only to be knocked backward by  a giant bully.  it sucks.  i try so hard to not let his nonsense effect me, but his lack of help just burns me out more and this absolute NEED to control me is just... no, it's enough and not right.

so you see friends, im writing this to vent about J, yes, but also to poke a little bit of nonsensical insight into my fucked up mental world.  i mean shit, i try to be his friend.... we have a bubs who needs parents that can put her first and understand personal intentions and feelings for the other do not have any place or relevance anymore.... but i dont have that.  trying to be a grown up and reason with a child is next to impossible and severely frustrating.

i hope you all can understand, you being whoever the fuck finds any sort of value in my rambling string of thoughts called a blog.  im hoping one day to have enough armor on to bear the blow of his words that try to tear me down, knock me over, and ruin me.  im getting there.  today i suffered less of a defeat.  today i took a step forward.  no there was no resolution to the issue at hand, but i dont feel like a piece of shit for a human.  because im not.

everyone, be kind.  choose your words wisely and dont hide behind a text message to speak the "truth" to someone.  it's cowardly and absolutely just bullshit. 

everyone has a story and a past and realistically all people just want some form of love and acceptance.  you're not better than anyone else.  you too have a story and want these same things.  extend to others what you desire the most. 

the end of my rambles.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

fuck all of the things right now....

like an unnoticed vapor
insignificant
floating by without so much as a second glance
i shout and scream
i frantically wave my hands hoping you'll see
but no
treading water so thick
tired body and mind weary from the fight
my adrenaline has worn off
i can only feel the ache of every muscle
the pain is at least distracting
enough to take my mind off of what it is set on
i cant shake it
i cant fathom how or why
but i cant shake it
these petty little feelings
these thoughts take flight and i get carried away
taken by a currrent too strong
there's no choice but to let myself go
and i hate where it takes me
the sights are horrible
the water is smelling of stale urine
i catch sight of my reflection
who is this horrific mess?
i can vaguely remember a period
this brief little blip of time
where i liked what i saw
i liked who i was
now....
i can tell you i have no idea
so maybe i am the faceless vapor
vying for your attention
the unnoticeable blip on the radar
the distant planet so far removed
from the resrt of the galaxy
maybe i am as tired as i look
maybe a faceless vapor floating away is where i should remain
the constant of overlooked
the constant of not enough
the constant of "too much"
at least there's consistency to match my absence

see you later ...


Wednesday, June 5, 2013

storm clouds, valleys, and peaks... oh my.

so on my way home from therapy i nearly got in a few car accidents because i was admiring the sky.
the low hanging storm clouds were dark blue and gray blue and all sorts of light and dark grays.  even tho they were there, there were breaks in the darkness with patches of bright blue sky with hints of yellowish sunlight and illuminating white clouds.  as i drove down 694 and got closer to my exit, it was as if i were driving right into the storm clouds.  pulling onto my street, there was light to my left and darkness ahead of me.

what a horribly beautiful metaphor for the way life is and has been.  i stress and get anxious about the ebb and flow of life.  these storm clouds that are naturally just a part of existance and are necessary to water the earth and take care of the plants and animals.  they need to be there so that the bright and sunny days don't scorch the soil and dry everything up.  i try so hard to avoid these dark times and to think around them and past them and when they hit, instead of admiring the beauty of a storm, i lock myself away, hiding as if it were some epic disaster hell-bent on ruining me for good.  i assume these things are there to take me out, when all the while they are there to help me appreciate those amazingly good days.

in therapy i am doing a lot of biofeedback.  it's cheesy this game i have to play but it's really interesting.  it's responsive based on my breathing.  today was really difficult.  there was this one part where im like in some buddhist temple and the monk is like "hey use these arrows to shoot the target and if youre all worked up, it's gonna hit the sky or the ground, but if youre calm and centered, you'll hit the target." somehow i managed to calm down and hit the target but boy did it take forever.  when i was trying to calm down to be able to let the arrow go, i started to wonder.... "what if i just let it all go?  how bad would it be if i were to just LET GO of everything... EVERYTHING i hold onto and try to find some control in?"

the part that kinda got me a little choked up was when i had to help these balloons float with my breathing.  too high or too low and they'd pop.  the monk's voice comes through talking about the peaks and valleys and how WE NEED THE VALLEYS TO GET US TO THE NEXT PEAK!  i stifled back a few tears but god damn.  how really real.  same thing with the clouds driving home.

i strive so much to control things outside of my control, to avoid the necessary bumps and bruises and storms and valleys.  a wise friend reminds me all the time to go with the breeze.  i feel like it's the same thing with these breathing/relaxation exercises im learning in therapy... i get it for a second and when i see that i get it and that im letting go, i panic.  i panic and stop breathing and my O2 levels decrease and my heart rate speeds up and the balloons fall and pop and the fire goes out and the arrow hits the dirt. 

the walk out to my car was a mental conversation reminding myself i have 2 hands, not 8.  i can only balance so much.  i cant take on everything and try to keep everything in check and under control because i am not superhuman and life does not work that way.  i cant avoid storms and dark days.  i cant avoid valleys and hard times.  they are there.  they will always be there to help me appreciate the days that are light and free and the days where everything seems right with the world.  what i do need to do is to let go.   to let all the pins im juggling fall and let them land where they may and to stop and see that the world keeps turning and life keeps moving and i WILL BE OK REGARDLESS. 

i dont want to end up in the ER again for breathing issues and heart problems.  i dont want to live with this weight on my shoulders, shriveling me up into a ball of tap dancing tension.

so now that i know... let's see what tomorrow holds.