family... home.... hrm....

the holidays are coming... uh oh.  it always reminds me of this subject.....

i can be all sappy and rehash my less than perfect childhood, but really, who can't?
i feel like everyone i know has a similar story of how they were ignored, not encouraged, picked on, not supported, physically or verbally abused.... that endless list of really terrible things.

nights like tonight remind me how lucky i am.

i moved away from my family in NY in 2005 (who seriously aside from maybe one or two people, are the most amazingly loving people in the world that i miss terribly and wish purchasing plane tickets wasnt like getting sodomized via el bank account) to MN where i knew only a few people.  there have been MANY MANY good and bad people in and out of my life.  sometimes it feels like i have a revolving door attached to myself by how many have come and gone over the years.  but again, whose life isn't like that?  i feel like someone is reading this going "oh sister me too!"  i am really lucky to have a gym family though. 

here is a group of people who beat the crap out of each other 2-7 days a week and can come together for drinks and food and laughs and dance parties.  they help you move or bring you food just because.  they listen to your problems and offer advice.  they protect you and care for you and genuinely want to see you succeed.  they are by your side at tournaments and encouraging you until the end whether you win or lose.  they offer feedback and criticism.  they offer you a couch to crash on when you're not ok to drive home.  they come to graduations and weddings.  they want the best for you.

i feel like i missed out on that a lot growing up like many.  but i really am super blessed to have that right now at my gym.

and i cant forget work.  how could i forget work.  i help take care of 6 really diverse people.  each one is so unique in their likes and dislikes, their preferences and choices of activity.  each one is super special to me, even at their worst or when im at MY worst.  i also work with some amazing women.  they are thoughtful and go the extra mile.  they ask how you're doing.  they do a little extra to take a bit off your load.  they laugh with you and encourage you.  they cover shifts for you when you keep busting your body at the gym with your other family.  they cry with you through break ups and financial problems.  they laugh when your kid farts like crazy during staff meetings.  they make you treats and leave you notes letting you know youre appreciated.

i may not have grown up with super attentive or encouraging parents.  my sisters and i may not have gotten along until our later years.  my family may not have shown much appreciation then.  but i have that now.  i have a special place called NY that i can go visit once or twice a year and see these wonderful people.  i also have this place called MN where i am surrounded by the love i bet my family wishes they could provide audrey and i with all the time.  so yes, i may have missed out then and not have my blood family around me now to be with, but i definitely am not short of family here. 

i love you AMA and i love you Fallgold.  thank you.  i can't express enough how much i appreciate you all.  whether we are super close and you know my intimate details or we are just mere acquaintances and im just the doof that does crappy dance moves..... really i love you.

and NY fam, i miss you guys and wish i could come home more.  someone win the lottery please.  :)

always moving forward

at the brink of retirement, my dad, knowing the risks, with a few of his colleagues, started up a new company.

what a fucking great example!  seriously not to swear in such a small statement but holy crap.
here is a man who could easily kick back and relax after many years of schooling and hard work and hard times.  here is a man who could kick back and relax after 4 kids and all the drama that comes with that (sorry fam, i mean well, trust me).

last week i was telling one of my instructors im a tad embarrassed to not be done with school until im 30 and how im pretty much the black sheep of my family (hence the blog title) for the choices i have made and the way my life has panned out. 

it's nice that i have an example in my dad that we should always be moving forward and that life is not done being lived until youre buried in the ground (or burned and dispersed of or stuffed in a jar if that's the route you choose to take). 

i can think of all the times that i should have stopped because of shame or failure or defeat.  i should have quit countless times because i wasn't strong enough or tall enough or brave enough.  should have and could have but didnt.  and im really glad i didnt. 

yes, i may be nearing 30 and graduating school.  i may not have a clue what the hell im doing most days.  i may be a single mom with a house over north.  but im not done.  i haven't quit, nor should i.  there is no shame in finding my way because no matter the age, we should all be doing that anyway.  we should all be progressing and moving and bettering ourselves.

so thanks dad.  i may not say it enough but thank you. 

the continuing search

through movies and tv shows and even just examples around us we are taught to believe that happiness comes from being with someone else.  we are taught to value and strive for these romantic relationships to find value and wholeness.  very rarely is there any emphasis on SELF.
we are taught that to love oneself or focus on oneself is SELFish.  the word 'self' gets this terrible meaning when really, it can actually be quite valuable.

being a single mom owning a very old house sucks.  i have to say i have invested way too much money in exterminators because of mice, repairs, yard tools, and other tools and items for "fix it" projects around the house.  last winter i had a really bad mouse problem and freaked out horribly.  i had my ex come back here to help fix things .... every LITTLE thing.  i was too afraid to try, too afraid to just face shit and do it.  well, last nite the little rodent bastards struck again and i found mouse turds in the kitchen.  i have to say i am quite pleased with how much ive grown in a year.  granted, yes, i am still horribly disgusted and freaked out, but i knew what to do, called the exterminator right away, took the flashlight out and went hunting.  (didn't find anything tho.)  i cleaned the basement by myself.  i changed the air filter for the furnace by myself.  i put audrey's big kid bed together by myself.  i have resolved some minor plumbing issues by myself.

the point is, i am learning to be strong by MYSELF.  this waste of time spent hunting and searching down this perfect person who can be there is kind of futile to me right now.  if i can do these things by myself, i don't really need anyone.  not to say im a hermit that hates all people!  i love making new friends and getting to be around other adults.  it's great and amazing.  but this quest for "love" or whatever bullshit we are fed to pinhole our vision on.... it's so wasteful to me right now.  conquering fears and taking control of situations on my own, learning to enjoy who i am as a person and even just learning who i AM as a person.... that is what is important.  i didn't know i was capable of so much before.  and that's just here at home.  at school i am learning to do things that always freaked me out (and sometimes still do).  i have potential i haven't even thought of noticing before and strength inside of me i never knew was there.  although it would be nice to have someone around sometimes, im really liking alone time and i never thought i would.  maybe this self reliance will bite me in the ass eventually because i honestly don't know how to let anyone do anything nice for me ever, but honestly, if i NEVER find my dorky robot boy and am surrounded by amazing friends of both genders the rest of my life and my amazing little miss A, i can honestly say (which i NEVER thought i would), that i would be completely fine and ok with that. 

i think im finally growing up.

numbers and letters and brands oh my!

still after being sick from severe vitamin deficiencies all day, all i can think about is the fact that i ate and how it is going to affect the scale in the morning.

i really have no idea why im preoccupied with this nonsense.

does being a size 0-2 make you better than an 8-16?

what does it even matter?
why cant i seem to see what everyone else sees?

im hung up on some obscure rating based on a number or letter that even varies with brand or cut.
you're never the same size in two pairs of jeans or two dresses.

there are so many alterations and disclaimers that all you know is that you are to strive to be the smallest number or letter indicating the smallest size on the spectrum.

i have no idea why that small number or letter indicating the petite title of the world is my ultimate goal.  i should be working on myself and being a better person and contributing to society and the lives of others, not being hung up on how im seen and viewed by the public eye.

i have plenty of people male and female alike tell me im pretty and shit like that and i cant seem to grasp it.

i dont see that.
i wish i did.
i wish i wasnt so hung up on an estimation of my size.
a number on a scale or for my waist.

i wish i knew the significance of this bullshit.
one more day i ate and felt guilty.
one more day i wish i could run until my lungs burst and my knees give way.
one more day i wish i could take back putting one meager bite in my mouth.

hopefully at some point i wont be so hung up on a skeletal appearance.  i see audrey and i wonder if im gonna be one of those psycho moms that worries about size and what she eats and drinks.  sometimes i wonder if she'll pick up on the bullshit i say outloud about myself and think it about herself one day too.

i wish i knew why this issue has such an iron grip on my mental state.
i wish i knew the significance of this bullshit.

i wish i could go a day without feeling guilty for not being 100% psycho active.
i wish i could go a day without feeling guilty for consuming carbohydrates and dairy.
i wish i could go a day without feeling guilty for eating period.

ill get there one day i hope.
this is really getting annoying.

spies all around me

it's like fucking nazi germany.
i know which people are the ss soldiers that are "reporting back" and making things even worse than they are.
it's the ones that lied the best to me.
it's the ones that said they were my friends.

that really sucks.
it sucks that words can't be trusted to remain between two people.
it sucks that people feel the need to go around and do things like that at the age they are at.
maybe their life needs some drama, some excitement.
mine is fine.

im out in the world doing things and meeting new people.
im facing my demons head on and challenging myself.
i missed those challenges.
right now for some reason instead of going to work at this early hour, i want to scale a wall or go rock climbing.  i want to push myself harder than i've ever been pushed.  i don't care what eyes are staring or who is judging or saying what.  i just want to go.  i want to do something bigger than i've allowed myself the capability to think i could even attempt.

maybe it's the life of single mom working and going to school that is finally catching up with me.  the mundane, drab, day to day set routine.  i need an adventure, a break from this cycle.

maybe today's the day i find it.
go report that back to your general.  

a bit of nostalgia and high school

recent actions of others and myself included apparently have been very "high school"-ish ... from saying hurtful things, to how feelings were vented, to picking on people and lying and being catty and talking shit.... just.... blah- the nonsense from high school that we all hope to escape in adulthood but somehow it seems to peek its head out of the ground at different intervals throughout life.

this inspired me to revert back to my ska days.  i was happier then.  i wasn't concerned about much but shows, cds, new bands, and dancing my ass off.  i remembered the beats and smiling and making friends with everyone around me and just having good times. 
i gotta say it was probably the best move.
aside from the fact im still a little stewy over some things and snuck a few bits of halloween candy, this is the best therapy ever....

reel big fish ... i forgot how much they made me smile and how peppy the beats were to dance to.... and the dingees. .... i dont know many that even KNOW of them and i am just having the time of my life cooking audrey dinner, cleaning, at work... just dancing.

and it sounds pathetic maybe, but.... music is the most amazing creation and it's so freeing.  who would want to feel free after a year of bullshit?  i certainly have no shame.

it makes me super stoked about my next tattoo..... when i save up for it.
an homage to the things that save my life.... time and time again.

getting to know you...

so back in the dating world and it's kinda weird.
the whole getting to know you thing....
sharing pasts and stories and baggage and beliefs and values....
going to get food or drinks or a combination of the two.

there's always something that i have had a struggle with that i wish for fuck's sake after 15 years would go away.  i can finally trace it back to its origin after so many rehashings of my life story.

i wish it didn't preoccupy my mind every moment of every day, but there is something i can not seem to put to rest.
my size.
my weight.
the numeric value assigned to my jeans and the letter assigned to my shirts.

growing up a chubby kid didn't foster acceptance from peers or family.  you'd think you'd love your kid regardless of how plump their rump became, but no.  not in my family.  i remember a thanksgiving when my gramma said i was too fat to eat pie.  i looked around at the whole family eating.  she was no skeleton, nor was my mother.  why was i being judged and in front of everyone?

because of that instance, i have a phobia of eating in front of people.  i feel like im being judged and stared at and whispered about.  which sucks cos food is amazing and i like to cook and bake and on occasion binge eat.

and then there's being chubby.  once you get to high school, you really need to do something drastic like attempt to kill yourself or get an eating disorder apparently.  i chose the latter.  i look back at pictures now when i was probably at a "healthy" weight of 110 pounds, and i honestly looked more sickly and alien like than cute.  what's funny is that no one knew.  NO ONE knew my strict rituals of ice cubes and lettuce.  no one knew the 2000 crunches that i HAD to do every night or i wouldn't let myself go to sleep.   they thought i was being healthy and growing into my body.  a few friends noticed i never ate anymore around them and i realized, what i was doing was stupid and NOT healthy and they loved me regardless.

then came the yo-yoing of college and moving back with my dad and stress and depression.... balloon animal kelly returned.  my dad would make horrible comments when i wore pj pants about how huge i looked.  that's when i snapped again.  i mean yeah, it goes on and on up and down.  especially after being pregnant and gaining so much weight, once audrey was done nursing, i no longer cared about what i ate and began freaking out again.  i dropped 70 pounds and probably am the smallest ive been since my high school days, but, it doesnt feel like enough.

so where am i now? 
im surrounded by images of stick thin women on tv and the internet and in magazines and movies.
im surrounded by commercials for diet pills, weight loss tricks, and exercise dvds and machines.
im torn between the logical voice in my head that says i am more than the number on the scale or in my pants and the creepy demon that tells me that if i eat ill immediately get huge and no one will want to be around me anymore.

but what do i do?
i stare at myself angrily in the mirror.  i poke and pull and tug at every ounce of skin that will move.
some days i restrict my eating in a very obsessive manner.

and i hate it.

the one ounce of baggage i cant seem to let go of.

so no, im not excited about getting to know people because of this stupid bag i wont put down.  i clutch it like a fucking security blanket.
im too old for this.
like audrey is too old for a paci, im too old for this.

so when does it end?

my little love

i can't believe it's been nearly 3 years since she was this tiny.  time has FLOWN.  i feel like she gets bigger every weekend i don't see her cos she's with her dad!  it's been almost a year too since i've been doing the single mom thing.

i really don't understand how that tiny little helpless peanut became this:  

a smiley, spunky, imaginative, sassy, creative, loving, empathetic, sweet little love of mine.
it's so crazy to watch her grow and see her conquer her fears, explore and try, be so concerned with everyone else's well being, try new foods, be adamant about what she likes and doesnt like, pick out her own clothes, dress herself, color, dance, learn new words, sing songs, ask really interesting questions about science and life.... i mean the list goes on.

it's amazing also how much she has taught me.  watching her at the playground do things she was once afraid of or couldn't do without help.... now able to conquer them courageously and excitedly... it's enough to make one want to try it to (with like more adult type stuff instead of monkey bars and slides and things).  so many times she's seen me upset or crying or just having a total breakdown (which i really try to not do) and she's just hugged me and kissed me and patted me on the back or leg.  im seriously the luckiest mom ever.



sometimes having such a crap schedule sucks and it gets kinda sad to do this alone but.... then there are those moments when we're watching a movie or reading a book or pretending to be dinosaurs or pirates that she just gives me a little smile or a cuddle and i really could care less about anything else in the whole world.

she was unexpected and unplanned yes, but i seriously don't know what i would do without her.  my life is drastically different, very busy, very stressful at times, and certainly very chaotic and preplanned, but it's worth it.  that little love of mine is worth it all.

hiccups

So yes, an interesting few weeks I have had.
Hiccups and curve balls.
I feel like I have been sparring too hard.

I can't wait to be back with my gloves on and the mats beneath my feet, gloves striking bag and face.
I am even so stoked to be studying amd thinking of all the limitless possibilities I have available.
So yes, minor distractions, minor hiccups, and a few snags.
Im not slowing my pace.
Im not stopping in my tracks to admire anyone or anything from now on.
Lessons have been learned.

I'm actually excited now to turn the page and see what adventure is next. Like those books you read as a kid that were like "turn to page 87 to explore the pirate cave or turn to page 55 to keep sailing."
So maybe I went to the "wrong page" before. I have a new set of adventures to choose from now and  I feel like this time I am on the right path.

Guess we will wait and see.

oh my weird.

so i ate ice cream for breakfast.
never doing that again.
what a weird ass day.
random things and digging and just weird....

i maybe didnt handle things well on my end.
i get that.
but i dont get today.
i dont get what 2 hours were spent enduring.

i refuse to be private with my feelings.
maybe more cryptic but never private.
plenty of songs are written from "skewed viewpoints" and they help some people.
i dont know who reads this and is offended or who reads this and is helped.
well ok i know of a few who said they were helped.
and apparently a few that are horribly offended.

im not the only one on this side of the fence though.
i know that for a fact.

i am the last to ever shut my mouth.
maybe not the wisest of moves but i definitely regret nothing but what began at the end of august.
i wish i could take those days back.

that is all i regret.
that is my finest mistake.

but that's how we learn and grow.
that's how we move into bigger and better.
that's how new songs are written and certain scenarios are avoided in the future.

ill never stop my clacking fingers processing thoughts.
if someone is digging, the dirt is on their hands, not mine.
the end for now.

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

the one day i check my email, such an inspiring little quote.

and no i am not taking this as far as a recent male situation goes.

that's done.  

im taking it as far as a lot of things in my life that have crapped out on me recently.

i always feel like i need to know the future and have everything mapped out.

and sometimes when i get a glimpse of stability and solid ground, i take that and run and then the ground beneath me turns into mush.

i think i know better and life likes to give me such pleasant reminders that i am not in charge and i don't know best.

and when the ground beneath my feet turns to mush and i cant wade through the muck, i get flustered and sad and angry....

but i don't realize that sometimes, maybe im reaching for something really good off a high shelf and i think it is the best thing ever, the one thing i really need.... and in my attempt to reach it, it falls and shatters to the floor.  well what if by bending down to pick up the pieces, i notice something on a lower shelf that i wouldn't have noticed had i not broken the original item i was after.  and what if this something on a lower shelf is way more awesome than the one thing i was trying to get.

the point is, i can't put so much stake in any one thing.  nothing is stable.  nothing is set in stone.  this little moment i have right now in life is just one minute speck in a greater spectrum of events that i cant see.

i dont know what's best.  i just have to take what comes and know that my two little human hands are incapable of controlling anything.

all lines have an end

i swear i need to stop thinking sometimes.  my brain rambles at a million miles an hour and sometimes i just can't keep up.

as much as i want to stop thinking about the humorous events that occurred yesterday, i can't stop chewing on it.  the past year has been non stop idiot men coming in and out of my life at the speed of sound.  it's been lines and lies, smiles and stabwounds, puppy love and poop, and strings and hope and bottomless plummets.  i feel like i have learned way too much about the opposite gender from these experiences but at the same time i feel that im still so stupid and so naive.

i hate being a woman.  i hate it.
from a young age we are fed this bullshit about fairytales and princes.  we are fed nonsense about being swept off our feet in some whirlwind romantic cloud.
IT DOESNT EXIST.
yes i sound jaded and cynical and bitter and maybe that is due to the events of the past year, but maybe it IS because of one real truth:
a majority of men are ASSHOLES.
and for some reason i keep on running into them.

they lie and we hold on hope.
they cheat and we think they will come back.
they lie some more and we think they just fear commitment.
they ignore us and we just assume they are too busy.

why do we do this to ourselves?
why do we believe the nonsense of fairytales or the one instance where someone met a non asshole?
the reality is that most of my male acquaintances or friends will probably resent me for saying this or completely agree with me.

we spend so much time eating junk food and being sad when they do these things to us, secretly hanging on to some thread of possibility.  diabetes and hope are our two worst sources of comfort.

the reality is, if a guy cheats, he never loved you.  if a guy lies, he never loved you.  if a guy ignores you, chances are he doesnt even like you.  SO STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR THEM!  stop believing something you saw in a movie or heard in a friend's story or read in a book.  it's not reality.  reality is, if a guy does all this, he doesnt like you or love you or want to be with you.

and it's nothing about YOU.  YOU are still the same person.  YOU are still YOU.   what someone else does to YOU doesn't change who YOU are it just means you're not hanging out with the right people.

so time to change the scenery.  time to weed the assholes out of your life.  time to get all the people that arent worth it out of the picture.  stop hoping and waiting and wishing and day dreaming.  stop wanting what isn't even worth it.  spend your energy and efforts on bettering your own life and yourself and surrounding yourself with good people.  the line of dipshits can't be THAT long.  it has to end somewhere.  i'd like to believe i'm close to the end after all that i've endured this past year:
-lies
-being told im a joke
-being ignored
-being cheated on
-more lies
-being a rebound
-more lies
-them having 2 girlfriends at once
-being told they got their ex pregnant and cant talk to me anymore
-being used for sex
-more lies
-hanging out once and never calling back or not telling me they didnt like me or want to see me again
-being told im fat and gross
-not telling me they are back with their ex
-more lies

shit, i could go on for hours, but the reality is, these people are not worth it.  these people make up a really long line but all lines have an end.   im sure at the end, my dorky robot is waiting for me with my balloons in hand.  and i'll know the bullshit is over, i've weathered the storm, and the end of nonsense is in sight with a new beginning at hand.  i can wait.  i can endure.  i've done it enough already and im not dead yet.

but one thing i wont do is shut up.  i wont quit venting.  i wont stop this string of girly thoughts publicly displayed for all to see.  why?  cos im not the only one.  im not the only one waiting for that dorky robot at the end of the line of dipshits and assholes.  im not the only one that seems to be horribly unlucky in that department.
another thing i wont do is quit.  i have a self esteem regardless of  how all these dummies treat me and speak to me.  im not stupid.  im not a fool.  im not ugly or fat or boring.  i like myself.

so back to waiting.  this time i will be a bit more selective about what new dipshit i encounter and how deep it actually goes before i realize it's going to blow up in my face.  but with every asshole i deal with and every new experience of being hurt and wrecked, i learn new things.  unfortunately this last one was the biggest mistake cos i ignored all common sense that said "kelly watch yourself."  i ignored every gut feeling that said "run like hell dummy."  so now, now i listen to my head and my gut.  i ignore my heart til my head says "this is no dipshit."

my ears are open and im ready for what's next.

don't settle.  don't compromise.  don't endure lies and cheating and bullshit and nonsense and drama.  it's not worth it.  being alone is no big deal.  sure a friend is cool and all that jazz.  who doesnt like being told they are pretty and liked and appreciated?  it fluffs the human ego and we all love it (girl and guy alike).  reality is, you gotta love you every day regardless of who is there to affirm it or not.  you have to endure the cold nights when you just want someone to cuddle and all you have is a big green blanket and a cat.  you have to stop watching chick flicks and reading romance novels that feed you this bullshit ideal that is non existent.  you have to be patient.  you have to wait.  the dorky robot boy is at the end of the line of complete losers with your balloon bouquet ready to take you to the playground to roll down a hill of leaves.  maybe he's impatiently waiting for you too.  the point is, if that's what you really want.... you gotta just wait.  keep your standards and wait.  learn from every dipshit that breaks your heart.  learn who you are, what you want, what you don't want..... and don't cave and settle.

the end of girly thoughts for now.  im sure ill have tons more to come.

a new start

today marks a new day.
a day where i am completely liberated from all drama and nonsense and strings and hope and misread signals and misunderstood text and type.
today is a full day where im myself with no shame no matter what form ME comes out in.
today is a full day where im not worrying or stressing or overthinking or pondering or wondering or anything but having a fun day.
life is too short to live for tomorrow.
i never understood people saying they live for the now and the moment.
but it's true.
tomorrow isn't promised.
every time i make future plans with a guy they leave me anyway.
i should know by now that the future is absolutely never promised.

so no more guys.
no more funventure buddies.
no more silly friends.

not in that sense.

im going to just be me, live life, have fun, and see what is out there.
no commitment to things or people.
no stake or claim put in anything anyone says or does.
no thinking or worrying or stressing or wondering.

today marks the day where i just let go and live life.
experience things.
meet new people.
have fun.
shamelessly and fearlessly.

and i dont care who notices and doesn't approve.
i don't care who doesn't notice.
i dont care who does approve.

it's about me now.
the one person i am so very good at neglecting.

no one said you had to click and read

i was told today that my airing of thoughts and feelings publicly is "gross."
honestly, no one has to read this.  in fact, i assumed no one read it.  yes, i'll post a link on facebook or twitter, but i don't assume anyone gives a shit about what i have to say so i don't think anyone will actually click and read.

on that note, i have no shame in posting my thoughts and feelings in a public forum.
it's how i deal.
sometimes i write songs, sometimes i eat copious amounts of food, sometimes i eat nothing, sometimes i cry, and sometimes i blog.  lately it's just been a lot of the latter.

also, im not out for affirmation, a pity pat on the shoulder, or a tissue.  i just needed a place to vomit my thoughts and feelings and questions.
if you read it and were offended, ok you maybe should have stopped clicking and reading like 18 posts ago.
if you read it and were like "christ kelly what are you thinking?"  well, dont click and read.
and if you read it just because my psychotic girl brain is quite entertaining and irrational or sometimes emotastically sappy or sometimes funny or right, well, click and read away.

i dont do this FOR anyone.  i do this to get shit off my chest.  i do this to process and cope and release.
im not ashamed or embarrassed by any means.
i think honesty and feelings are so underrated.
we live in a society that says boys don't cry and only the weak say how they feel.
that's what is really disgusting.

it is not a crime to feel. 
it is not a crime to express how you feel, public or private.

i always said that if there were a government upheaval i would be the first arrested for saying how i feel in a public forum. 

i dont shut up.
it's a quality and a flaw all rolled in one.

and i have no shame.
the end.
happy readings if you so continue to.
my sagas and life adventures are just beginning.

probably not the most mature move...

but i know im not mature so im gonna do it anyway.

i have so many questions still for you.
if you wanted nothing to do with me why the fuck were you reading my blog?
if you were reading all of the "emo kid" finger rants i had, why not text me the truth (or better yet talk to me as a person) much sooner than after a 2 week period?
when i drunk dialed you sunday night, why did you act like it was no big deal and that shit was just busy and such and things?
why when i asked if we could hang out when you were not so busy you didnt own up to the truth about this girlfriend and tell me "we'd figure it out?"
why make a pact with me to see only me but then see someone while i was away in another state and say youre going to date her AFTER you said you were going to date me?
i really just have questions that i know you wont answer and now i really want nothing but to publicly ask because it bothers you.
and i know thats an immature move but i dont care.
you dont have to read this and i have absolutely no shame in publicly displaying my thoughts and feelings.
i know someone else is dealing with a class A douchebag quite like yourself and maybe what im writing will give them a bit of clarity and solace that this whole situation is quite ridiculous and laughable.

yeah im not the most mature in this situation simply because of how you handled it............. by lying and lying and lying and trying to cover up lying and then getting hostile with me for standing up for myself when you admitted your truths trying to somehow justify lying to me.

i dont understand your logic and how you so flippantly responded to this whole situation.  its fucking cowardly and disgusting and really low.
yeah whatever do your thing and be happy but shit, be HONEST about it.
dont tell a girl you barely know you want to be serious with her and then while she's on vacation see your ex and decide to get back with her and then not tell the girl you initially said you wanted to see.  its fucking gross.

and then the whole time to tell me it was because you were distracted and bogged down with work and still not over your ex wife..... and that you needed to be a loner and be alone for THOSE REASONS ONLY..... christ you are a piece of work.

so yeah dude, im not writing this all just in an attempt to get my "emo kid fingers" clacking.  im writing this all because im explosively pent up with hysteria.  the laughing kind.  i have not stopped shaking my head laughing at you since you began this mess at 11am.

your logic is nothing short of a joke.
i really dont hate you or have ill will.
i just think youre the most awful person i have encountered in a long time.
youre completely self centered and selfish.
you maybe dont think so and maybe no one else will tell you so and im definitely aware my opinion of you means nothing but holy shit.  after all i told you about my life and my past and how much you even told me and how you led me along and whatnot....for you to lie like that and do what you did and try to cover it up and then be weird at me for posting my feelings when you never even gave me the full truth....?  you are a train wreck of a person.

good riddance and good luck trudy cusack.

when lying is acceptable

Its not. Ever.
But I have my answers.
More shaking my head at it all and kind of laughing at the logic. But at least I have the truth and oh how it has set me free.
Being alone never sounded so safe and inviting before.
Comfort and solace in real friends and in myself.
Today is a new day.
A day I am happy for.

the life of a loner

i realized a few things recently.

i really hate being lied to.
i hate being strung along like a dummy only to be abandoned, drowning in a sea of lies.
i hate when people can't be real with me treating me like im some small animal that needs to be coddled and protected from reality even though they don't like it and want nothing to do with it.... like some rescue animal covered in garbage and fleas.

i really wish people would just be straight with me.
tell me like it is.
i get more hurt when i know im not being given the whole truth than when people just say it like it is.
i hate when people skirt around it and offer some options as to why things are they way they are or make up excuses that very well have nothing to do with the matter at hand.

i hate it.
i really hate it.

i realized that i am probably going to be quite the loner since most people i know can't just be upfront and straight.
and i realize that not everyone thinks and feels how i do and that most people have their own way of dealing with things that is very different from how i feel is logical, but, i make it a clear point when i meet people of all genders to tell them to just be straight with me from day 1.

i feel like my stomach has a rock that keeps sinking lower and lower and lower.  there goes the uterus.

i started writing a song on my drive home from work.
it'll be up soon.

regardless, im thankful for the few in my life that know me, get me, and respect me enough to treat me with dignity.  for those of you that are yourselves and treat me like a person .... you have no idea how much you mean to me.  for those of you that dont, well, it's not my place to call you a coward or a phony, but i certainly wish you would just tell me like it is and be your real true self.
if you don't like me.... say so.
if you do.... say so.
i don't understand where the confusion lies.

just be yourself and treat others how you would want to be treated.  it's the oldest, most cliche words of wisdom that i wish more people would live out.

respect differences, embrace yourself, and just love others.  what is the problem?  who are you to be so high and mighty and judgmental?   how is it your place to cast a scowl or stick your nose up at someone else for being different or simply not acting how you think is "cool?" 
i really just don't get it.

maybe im just old.  maybe i think too much.
maybe im just a goddamn hippie.
regardless, i wish people were just nicer, not just to me, but to one another.
this is a lesson i still have to work on as well, because i dont always find myself acting kindly and fairly.

so ill start over with the rest....

knowing when to quit

swallowing razor sharp blades of pride, i said goodbye.
deleted a phone number.
i said my peace in an accusatory and semi hostile way.
but i cant take it anymore.
im not stupid.
i may act naive and i may be gullible but i am no fool.
i know when im being lied to.
what i dont get is WHY EVEN DO IT?
why not just say "hey dummy i do not like you and never did and never will!  i used you and that's that!"  id rather that because being told "im busy" when i know youre not and going from messaging me almost all day every day to ignoring me completely doesnt make sense.
one day you liked me and a few days later you lie to get me away from you.
it's just ridiculous.
again, i may be gullible but im not stupid.
i know when to just count my losses and go.
and its sad cos i stuck up for you so much to everyone that told me you were a liar and using me and whatnot.  i stuck up for you because i thought you were better than that.  i wanted to believe the best in you.
the best in you is a giant lie.

so thank you for that.  jaded, bitter, untrusting kelly is back. 

someone's feeling like a grown up

it took one class.  one instructor in one class to snap me into the most amazing hopeful reality.
she always seems to put things into perspective for me.
to not sell myself short.
to see the big picture and plan ahead.
she thinks how i think and for that, im thankful.

taking radiography 1, i learned that after i take radiography 2, i can take a exam to get my license as a limited xray operator.  i can do that before i take my CMA board exam.  there are scholarships available for that license exam and my gpa is cumulatively a 3.9 so i more than qualify.

i was so hung up on this boy.  this scenario i dont understand and realistically WHO THE FUCK CARES?  right now is my time.  i spent 4 years with someone that always had me focused on him and taking care of HIS needs.  yes, audrey comes first OBVIOUSLY and im ok with that, but when she isnt here, there is NO reason i should be shitting around doing nothing or going out a lot to find an adventure buddy to be silly with.

i mean shit, i can get a license as a limited xray operator, get my certification for medical assisting, and after i take my hematology class, the possibilities for new job opportunities is amazing.  i am wasting precious hours that i could learn to better my life and audrey's life in the long run focused on some trivial bullshit.  yeah, who doesnt love sex and being hugged?  what girl doesnt like being told she's pretty and getting attention?  i dont know a single one that hates that.  BUT.... why invest MORE time in someone else right now when i don't have that much time to even invest in myself?

and i am already loved so much.  i knock on the door at day care to pick audrey up and i can hear her screaming "MY MOM IS HERE MY MOM IS HERE!"  i get hugs and an excited little smile.  she is so proud to show me things and on the ride home will tell me "mom i have hugs for you."  seriously, how could you want more?

amazing job opportunities once i get the next 2 semesters under my belt and even MORE once i get the next 3 and my externship done and a smiley amazing little lady that loves me unconditionally.

who could really want more than that?

the best way i know how

i wish you would just get out of my head.
i think because i have so many unanswered questions that i dont want to bother asking you, i will always be left wondering what i did, what happened, or who you met, or even what someone said.
i feel so weird and unsure.
how in a matter of like 2 days you could change your mind and go from "i miss you" to saying nothing to me at all.  i wonder why you answered your phone the other day when i stupidly called.  i dont even know WHY i called.  i think i just wondered if youd even answer or what your voice would sound like, or maybe i just wanted to hear it period.
soon i hope i can forget you as easily as you forgot me.
hope.
a four letter word for stupid.

change the sheets

this is so gross but i wonder if you have.
i miss your bed a lot.
i swear to god i got more sleep in the few hours i was at your house than the constant interrupted nightmarish hell i try to get in my own bed.  there was something about being next to you that was just nice and felt good.

i hope one day i get to again.  i never slept next to someone without moving at all.  i dont cuddle.  that was weird.

i hate that i keep processing and thinking and chewing on this situation.  it wont make you want to talk to me.  i know how guys work.  you thrive on the chase.  why chase something that is right behind you?

i dont want to be here.  i know where i want to be but that's unrealistic. 
maybe tonight ill sleep in audrey's new big kid bed with her instead.

a fresh start

i guess maybe last nite i got a little clarity ... a little bit of well needed clarity.
of course the ever rambling girly brain that i do have is overthinking and questioning everything but i have politely told her to shut up and have stuffed her full of breakfast and second breakfast.

i think it's really good what happened come to think of it.
i do need to just focus right now and get my shit together.
i was spending too many hours putting energy into something really awesome but possibly not really necessary for right now.
i wonder if you'll be there when it is my right time.
i feel like that might be awesome but what do i know.
im a girl remember?
we tend to overanalyze and overscrutinize every minute moment and look and word and detail.

for now though, i have work, i start school tomorrow, i have audrey, i have the zombie pub crawl, muay thai, guitar, and some pretty rad friends to hang out with.

i was still finding myself when i met you and still finding my niche.
i shouldnt have dove headfirst into whatever we were doing but i did.
i dont regret it at all.
i hope in the right time, it can pick up where it left off and head into a better place.
i think youre a good influence on me in some regards :)

on that note, it's me time again.
the very thing i always seek to avoid, but it's time i get focused on growing up some more.
that wonderful phrase that will haunt me to the grave.

of course im still about 4 years old on the inside and cant wait to play in the mud and have finger paint and nerf gun wars with audrey, but in reality i need to get with a few things:
-im almost 30
-i am a poor manager of my money
-i neglect taking care of myself
-i have some pretty unhealthy habits
-i have hobbies i forgot about
-im still in school
-im a MOM
-i need to move
-i dont always make the most mature/wise decisions
-i dont always like having alone time
-i have a board exam to pass in a year

these things need to take priority and focus, not an adventure buddy or a new special friend.
maybe when i get some of these knocked off my list life will be different, but until then, i need  to really get my shit together.  that's a long list of things that i need to get in order and i realize it wont all happen overnight but to neglect these things in lieu of a new friend is the dumbest idea imaginable.

i hate time and i hate that it is so vital to the course of life events.  i just want everything spelled out and mapped out in front of me.  i hate not knowing.  i hate wanting something i cant have right now.  but maybe the suspense and the waiting and the growth will be well worth it in the end.

i sure hope so.

clean house

my ex is finally coming to get the rest of his things.
we're not angry anymore at each other which is nice.
i thought hell might have frozen over because he and i conversed as actual humans with no doors slamming or yelling or scowling on friday.
it helps me to understand that i need patience.
time is really necessary for change.
i am possibly the most impatient person on planet earth.
i hate waiting.
maybe it's the culture of microwaves and internet that i am a part of.
in fact, i get mad at my crockpot, aka SLOW COOKER for not making food faster sometimes.
even with school, i am graduating a quarter later and i was IRATE at first, but then i just realized maybe i wouldnt be ready when i was supposed to.
maybe the extra 3 months is essential for my own personal growth and development.

maybe i need to carry this lesson out to other aspects of my life.
maybe things wouldn't be ready if they were not given adequate time and space to foster and grow as necessary.
like apple picking.
or any sort of harvesting.
if you pluck it too early, it's not at its best.

maybe time will make things better.

i used to hate time and waiting and space.
but now i realize how important it is.
maybe waiting doesn't mean sitting around with these false hopes and expectations.
maybe waiting and space are just taking your journey one step further and focusing on something else for a while.
maybe my patience will be rewarded in the end, and maybe it is a reward that i have no idea of.

the point is, i'm not ready.
i'm not ready for what i think im ready for.
i dont know myself as well as i would like to think or imagine.
there's more for me than i realize and hope for.

maybe my focus was in the wrong place and the current turn of events was a jostle back to reality.
maybe i ran head first into yet another one of my pseudo brick walls that i am ever so talented at doing.
maybe i just need to keep walking this wall to find the door.
there's gotta be one somewhere.
i'll just have to wait and see.
but not the waiting where im staring at the crockpot hungrily, but the waiting where i just keep walking and looking and seeing.

maybe youre on the other side.  maybe youre not.
time will tell.

and yet still i find you distracting

this has been the most awkward of situations to process, hence the mother fuckin 150 thousand posts about my ever fluctuating emotions like a pregnant woman or a girl with a massive PMS attack.

yes, i was irrational at times in my thought process, but the key word is process.  i havent had to deal with something like this actually for over 10 years.  which makes me believe i actually cared for you more than i intended to.

and im judging you.  im assuming you have ill will toward me when you never said that all.  you said you were sorry.  you said you needed to be alone.  and i dont know what the hell youre thinking and feeling and processing yourself.
i know she leads you on with false hope though and i wish she wouldnt.  you deserve to move on and be happy.  and again, boy who i hope is reading this, you know who you are.  and i wish you a bit of freedom from that.  you are quite possibly the sweetest guy i have had the pleasure of talking to.  and while before i expressed hatred and anger and borderline rage.... i dont mean it.  i was more mad at myself for investing so much in a potentially failed effort.

you ended our talk with a line that i took so bitterly and so harshly but i don't know that youre a jerk or meant it to come out that way.  you said "the future is unwritten."  maybe you were blowing me off.  maybe it was a cop out to get me to shut up and stop pestering you for information.  but it's true.
in all honesty, i have no more hope you will call me and ask to hang out.  if you ever do, i might pee my pants or i might say no.  i dont know.

but one lesson you taught me in a short time is how to think outside of myself.  for once i wasn't concerned about what i was getting OUT of something but what i was investing INTO something.  and above anything, i know you work hard.  i know you love your kid.  i know you appreciate the lessons you've learned and how you've grown.  but i know you have your demons and your battles and your struggles.  i know you have your confusion and your pain and your questions.

dear boy, i just wish you clarity.  even if you never speak a word to me again, i hope that you get what you need.  i believe in you.  in a short time knowing you, with what serious and lengthy talks we had for hours on end, i know a lot more about you than i should.  i wish you the best and should our paths cross again, i hope youre in a better place where youre ready to embrace new things and let go of the past.

i hope you dont think me nuts, boy, for how intense and varying my emotions are.  im a cancer.  it's just in my nature i guess.  and you meant a lot more to me than you might ever realize just because of who you are.  i never met anyone like you before.  i hope to meet you again someday.

the ways in which i cope...

may not always be healthy.
prob why last years anorexic jeans dont fit.
sometimes i dont eat, sometimes i eat for a small family.

i am elated though that lately, i cope through writing.  back a long time ago in therapy (yeah i went, what of it), i was told to write letters to the people that i was angry at and tear them up and throw them away or burn them in a fire.  or write an email but dont click send (whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiich didnt work out of instant habit of clicking send... oops, sorry daddy!).

i love that i have this blog that im pretty sure no one reads.
i feel like by being able to write to this person that hurt me so deep (and im still not sure WHY really since we didnt know each other that well or that long), ive been able to process my thoughts and my feelings both rational and irate. and it is what it is.

i can not so much as dip my fingers into the past and turn the pages backward as i can thumb forward into the future, skipping over the parts that are boring or that i do not like.

i can go on from this moment now.

this moment now says that i cared about someone who i thought cared about me because he said so not because i was reading into things.  this moment now says that for whatever reason he ran and told me not to follow.  this moment now says he does not want to and will not speak to me.  this moment now says that there is no point in dwelling on what is.  i cant change it.  i cant control it.  that is the hand i was dealt, the circumstance i am currently in.  so, where do i go from here?

i dont really want to forget him because he made me feel pretty and important and interesting.  but i dont want to hold stake and value in HIS opinions.  i want to hold value in the truth, that before he even mentioned anything or smiled or kissed me or held my hand or fell asleep with me, that i was beautiful and interesting and smart and funny and important.  before he told me that he couldnt look at me for very long because i was too pretty.... i always was.  i dont need anyone to tell me.  it's nice to hear sure, but that is the human ego loving flattery.  i need to know these things about myself whether someone never tells me them ever again or whether someone tells me them every day for the rest of my life.

that is the only truth i have right now that isn't questionable.  i am quite a catch and im not meant to be with everyone.  everyone has their demons to battle and mountains to climb and i cant fix everyone.  i cant change people at the rate i want them to change.  i cant make someone do or be anything they are not wanting to be on their own accord.

for once, i think it is high time i stop worrying about everyone else and focus on me.  what makes me tick, who i am, what i like to do, who i like to be around.
in fact, through this whole ordeal i have learned that i love to write, and sing, and make music.  i have learned that music heals my wounds no matter how deep or what genre.
i learned that im stronger than i think i am and am certainly no quitter.  i learned that i am not a mean girl.  in fact, i am a rare breed and am far too nice and accommodating.  i learned that i cant hate people for taking advantage of me.  i can just try to be more careful.  i mean, it is like hating audrey for spilling milk and breaking a cup.  accidents happen.  it is just milk and just a cup.  the shards can be thrown away and the spill can be wiped dry.

every accident has a remedy and while it may not always be comfortable and sometimes it may be far more time consuming than you wish, it's just a part of the course you're on.  this is the path im walking and i am not meant to know every step before i take it.  i don't know what the scenery will look like on this path 100 yards down.  i'll get there when i get there and face what comes as it does.

i cant control things.  i cant prepare for the worst in every situation and i certainly must stop expecting the best of every situation.  i need to just take life as it comes.
one moment at a time.

a bit of help

maybe it was a bit of sleep.
maybe it was cleaning out my car after 4 months.
maybe it was processing things after a bit of coffee.

i dont need your drama.
2012 was supposed to be a drama free year for me.
whether your ex is leading you on which makes you hope or whether you simply are realizing your mistakes and wanting a do-over, still not healthy.
you were right.
you do need to be alone.

and i hope if youre reading this, you don't think that it's YOU im upset over and missing and whatever.  i just cant stand being stupid and duped and lied to.  i hate that this doesnt phase you one bit.

i hate that you couldnt tell me to my face.
those are your hurdles to cross and demons to battle.

and with a few minutes left to spare....

i sit listening to my resident sing himself songs because his headphones are on too loud while the other sits against the wall with a scowl on his face because it is the weekend.  oh dude, i dont understand you.

i had a lot of time to think last nite.  mostly i am crazy overtired and was forced to be awake all nite.
regardless, i'm over it.
i was sad and hopeful, sad and bittersweet, sad and remorseful, and then just fucking angry-sad.

im tired of spending my emotions on you, especially beCAUSE you dont care.  you are wasting NO time giving me a thought, so why should i waste any sort of energy on you.  im burned out enough.  i spend most minutes of every day taking care of everyone else.  i don't have time for that any more.  i gave you everything i had left for a short period of time.  i gave you attention, hours i should have been sleeping, and patience i should have saved for my kiddo or the massive obstacles i have ahead of me.

the point is, you gave me your past.  you gave me your stories.  you gave me fluffy words.  you gave me hope for a brief moment.  but what you really gave me was a rude awakening.  wolves wear sheeps clothing.  you pretended.  and what a good pretender you were.  i cant hold that against you.  that's who you are.  you have your own hiccups and i have mine.

you told me stories of these ex's of yours and now i feel like i got this skewed and jaded version of your stories.  i mean, the one that sat in your driveway most nights crying and blowing up your phone.... maybe its cos you strung her along too..... worse than how you did me cos that was 3 months and this was only 1.  but that's besides the point.

there is a lot about me you didnt even bother to ask about or get to know.  and it's a shame because it is your loss.  and i can say that now.  i didnt make any mistakes.  YOU did.  you pushed away a girl willing to endure your stress, endure your confused feelings about a past love and the chaos with your job.... you threw away someone who didnt mind being farted on or staying at home and watching tv.  you threw it away because you got what you wanted from it and needed nothing else.  you got your ego boost, you got the little fluff you were needing after your ex got remarried.  you got sex.  you got that emotional high and then realized you were able to get a girl and threw me to the curb for whatever reason.

and honestly, im over it now.  i will meet someone genuine and honest and far better than you because he wont lie to me or lead me along and dump me off a cliff.  he will take me somewhere and not hide me in his house because he's embarrassed of me or whatever.  he will be nothing of what you are.  i feel sorry for you.  im not angry or upset or hate-filled.  i feel sad for you.

i said id wait but.......for what?  for you to do it again when shit hits the fan and you don't know how to cope?  absolutely not.

and i really hope youre reading this since you wont answer an email and im too afraid to text you.  i hope you read every word.  i hope you saw the song i posted with my puffy nasty eyes from crying.  you hurt me.  but what you dont know about me, is that it's not strength that i lack.... and ill be ok.....just like when you left me at the airport to spend time with your ex (i get it now), i found my way back then and i can do it now too.

i hope we can be friends down the road and that your project takes off.  i know it means a lot to you.  i know youre working super hard on it.  i hope you find what you need be it in yourself or someone else.  goodbye trudy cusack.  you gave me a month and a bit of smiles and good feeling.  you gave me a month and a bit of hope.  so ill find a positive in all this.  i thought you were the best but i guess there's someone even better than you.  goodbye.

i hate you

i wrote this song a while back about someone i met that led me along and let me trust them and made me believe they liked me and were worth trusting. 
they too ripped my heart out of my nose.
i think people assume i get emotionally attached when its more.... it's more i just hate being lied to.  i hate being hurt.  it's not something i would ever do to someone else so why would anyone do it to me.  im honest and nice and a nerd.  i just don't get why you'd hurt someone like that.

regardless.... i wrote this song called "i hate you" for this person.
i feel like singing it at the top of my lungs right now.

i hate that i ever met this person.  i hate that i wished theyd apologize for hurting me and say they were stupid and made an error.
I AM the one that made that fatal error of trusting them and believing them.

so now, it's back to empty and shallow dates that go nowhere because i refuse to trust people or let them in.

2012 was supposed to be drama free but this has been the absolute worst year of my life.  and i mean that with all my heart.

if the person that lied to me and hurt me is reading this, fuck you.  youre a coward and a selfish prick and an asshole and i hate you.  i hate you and i only have hated 2 people before in my life.  those 2 people have done terrible terrible terrible things.  you are now added to that list.  fuck you.  you are probably the worst on that list.  in one month you led me along with such flowery words and promises and ideas.  you made me believe i might have found my robot.  cos you asked if stickers counted in place of the balloons the girl robot got from the boy.  you told me i was no fling.  you told me you were wanting to be serious.
the only thing you were serious about was yourself.  i realized that too late. 
have fun being a coward.  have fun hiding behind technology and always wanting what i offered.

come to think of it

why am i moping and sad?
why am i hoping and dreaming?

you broke my heart.
you took all the fears i shared with you, all the hopes and wishes and wants, all the little things that mean a lot to me.... you shit all over them.
you opened up to me and for what?  to get what you wanted and to leave when things might have gotten serious.

i wasnt even the typical girl pushing for shit.
YOU were the goddamn girl.
i was the guy content with space and solitude.

yeah i said i missed you and maybe i sent a few too many texts but that had been the norm since the beginning.  i just am text happy.
and i even apologized for that.
and you pulled every stupid excuse out of your face to shove me away.

VIA TEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what i think is that you're a coward.
you are an absolute coward.
my dorky robot boy is no coward.
he may be timid but he's no coward.
he is sweet on me.
he wouldn't ever shove me away in fear or because of "work."

you asked if you were the dorky robot cos you got me stickers.
i said yes.
maybe i lied to you too.
maybe i said too much too soon too.
two can play that game sir.

cos deep down i know you meant what you said and said all that you meant.
i know youre afraid of feelings.
who the fuck isnt?
who that has been hurt as deeply as we both have can honestly say they are NOT afraid of intense feelings?

but what sucks is that i trusted you and you turned into a fucking coward, TEXTED ME, and shit all over my face.  and not in a fun way (if that could ever be considered fun.)

you broke my little fragile heart into so many shards that i am not sure what goes where.
and the fucked up thing is that YOU DONT CARE!
you havent so much as thought about me or said hello.
you went from texting me EVERY DAY to say something stupid and lame to being a cold and distant stranger.
im not sure i can forgive that.

i wanted you to come here and tell me you were sorry.
so many times.
like some scene out of a movie.
like say anything.
oh my john cusack.
but you wont.
you never will.
you will forget me as easily as one forgets a good dream when they wake.
we all remember the bad ones, but rarely does one remember the details of a good one.
you put me out like your many american spirits.... just squash me in an empty can or that pot you have in the corner to grow your cigarette plant.

i keep hoping you'll prove me wrong but i know you wont.
i bet youre laughing up a storm now.
having a good ol gigglefest.
i dont even know that i have crossed your mind once since you told me to basically fuck off.

your loss sir.
your loss indeed.
i cant find all the fucking pieces so you ruined it for someone that may actually WANT to be nice to me genuinely and not just to suffice some emotional trauma from an ex.
i believed you.
i think thats why i cry.
i believed you.
i hate myself for trusting.
after all the things i said about how i hate trusting and i dont wanna get hurt again and............ you could care less.
you got what you needed.
a little ego boost and then you run.

well good for you.
enjoy your smiles and eventually ill stop hating myself for believing that someone gave a shit about me and thought i was beautiful and interesting and funny.
ill stop hating myself for thinking my dorky robot existed and was real.

one day ill stop hating myself for how much you hurt me.  notice how i dont just hate you.  i hate ME in all of this.
you could probably come over right now and say youre sorry and id be stupid enough to forgive you and youd probably do it again even worse.

with a heavy sigh im going on with my life.  off to work my weekend shifts while you giggle your face off and forget that you ever told me you wanted to be serious with me and that you liked me so much it scared you and that you were glad you met me.

thanks for the sad face.

holding out hope

i heard a motorcycle revving outside my house and for a second, for a second i thought he was here to say he was sorry.  for a second i thought my hoping wasnt futile and in vain.

no one was there though.  so i felt a little stupid.

i didn't cry today though.  i did feel a little sad and probably ate enough for a family of 7, but i didn't cry.

i still have hope and still wonder if he thinks about me.  i still wonder if his schedule will calm down and he'll remember talking with me and what he said and how we both felt.  for now it's just a question in my mind and a nagging thought tugging at my heartstrings. 

my being sad and eating wont bring him back.  time will tell.  that's all i have is time.  time and hope.

and every day the pain lessens

or at least it should.
why oh dear god why am i so hung up on this?
there was no label, we never went on a date, we just........ talked and laughed and it felt great.
and maybe again it's the one sided nonsense i always seem to be involved in.
im involved with my own feelings i guess.
i read into things like "im serious about dating you" or "i like you a lot and it's scary."
i mean, shit, if any girl were to hear those words, why of course she would take it the wrong way.

and the low blow of "i need to be alone" is nothing new to me.  im used to it by now.  things move too fast, people get afraid and run run run run run.  it's like im covered in some sweet nectar that lures them in, they start to get sick off the sweet smell and run and vomit.   im left sticky and sad.

oh so sad.

i was hopeful.  foolishly hopeful that id met someone nice that could just be my buddy to take the crazy course slowwwwwwwwwwly with.  someone to feel out and see who they were without making some huge public ordeal of our interactions.

maybe somewhere out there is my real dorky robot.  or maybe this cowardly robot will resurface.  but that is yet another of my crazy foolish thoughts.  sometimes i wonder if he hears a song and thinks about me or goes to my facebook page to see my face.  we only hung out a bit over a month but when you talk to someone and joke with someone every day for over a month, i dunno if its just me, but.... it's missable.  i wonder if he misses me sleeping next to him because i sure do. 

but every day the pain lessens.  every day that passes i realize that it is what it is.  i cant control it so why worry.  if it's meant to be, it will happen.  BLAH BLAH BLAH all the cliches are unfortunately so true.

maybe i was a fling, a joke, a bad idea, a distraction, a boring waste of time.  maybe i was more and the fear of it with the demands of life were too much.  maybe i seem too good to be true?  i mean for once i wasnt even about myself.  for once i was about putting someone else and their schedule first. 

i really wanted my motorcycle ride.  i really wanted to go on silly adventures.  i really wanted a nerf gun fight.  i probably wont get the chance to have those things with this person.  that's honestly the harsh reality. 

but every day that passes, the pain will get lesser and lesser.  if he comes around ill probably the happiest girl that ever saw the light of day.  if not, well, my dorky robot is out there and we will get to do these things. 

and so it happens again

i let my guard down again.  this time a bit too far down.  i don't know the last time it's BEEN this down.  i'm not sure why im as sad as i am.  it wasnt for very long.  he never did anything with me but hang out with his friends and watch tv.  he owed me fun times and i believed they were coming.  we'd talk and it was serious sometimes, deep other times, revealing on occasion, and silly shit the rest. 
a few months ago i got these dorky robots on my chest.  it was paying homage to my nerdy self, not letting anyone treat me like shit again or forget about me.  i would wait with fervor and resolve for my dorky little robot boy.  and how prematurely i thought i found him.  kind of strangely i guess too since initially i went to go hang out with his roommate who stopped talking to me for whatever reason.  he bought  me stickers and i got him some stupid toys and shit.  now i just feel stupid cos im sure he was like "um what the hell is this?"  like always i invested more than what was being invested in.  i cared far too much for someone that obviously cared far too little.  i believed the lines and words that he spoke.  i thought he meant it.  he didnt seem like the rest of the douchey pack.  he admitted some personal things to me.  so i assumed he was honest.  he said how much i scared him and how good this felt.  i agreed.  on both levels. 

im not one to ever cower in fear or bow to it's iron fist.  for once i wish i did.  for once i wish i ran screaming the second he said he liked me.  for once i wish i never spent the night or invested in making future plans.  i wish i never met him at all.  i know those are strong words but the words that i got to read thru text last nite (YES how brave and commendable to rip a girl's heart out via text) seriously ripped me to pieces.  and again, i feel so very stupid cos we hung out for like a month is all but..... i hate being led on.  i hate being lied to.  i hate having someone feed me hope for my last meal before the slaughter.  i seem to always just barely escape death and the taste of good things and promises is starting to become bitter and foul.

i wish him well.  he is probably the most awesome person i'd met.  he was what he said he was.  he made no claims to be anything smooth or suave.  he just was himself.  he was a dork and free flowing with his words.  and maybe that came to be my demise.  regardless, i havent hurt this bad since i was 18 and lost my best friend.  and maybe it's psychotically premature to assume such feelings in such a short time, but crazy me will admit to feeling something different.... crazy me will say that i didnt mind staying up all night talking, i actually liked falling asleep on him watching tv shows, and i didnt care about his "health issues" that was so embarrassed of.  i didnt care he had hardly any free time or a son to devote weekends to.  i for once put myself last and someone else first.  and i dont know if that's what hurts the worst of all.  for once i forgot about myself and things felt right and good.  and then they exploded.

i told him i'd wait til he was less busy.  he said no.  he said all ties had to be severed.  but it wasnt MY fault.  of course not.  never is til a month later they have someone new.  i dont think i'll forget this friend and i really hope he comes around.  either im a serious glutton for punishment or im stupid or maybe, just maybe, i found my dorky robot after all. 

for right now, my eyes are swollen, my cheeks are red, and there is a bleeding cavity in my chest where my heart should be.  im not sure where all the pieces are, if i will ever find them at all.  i just know that i want today to be over so tomorrow can ease me one more day into shoving this awful nonsense into the past to be forgotten and buried.

i normally do NOT care.  i normally think so much of myself this shit doesnt even bother me.  i want to know why i care and hurt and am crying.  i want to know why my remains are telling me to have hope while my brain is saying "shut the fuck up you stupid girl!" 

i am a war of head vs heart..... it's always this way.

what a difference a few hours makes

after a very bleak morning coming out of a nightmarish sleep fog and going straight into hours of putting everyone else first, i can honestly say i don't think i AM sitting on the fence. 
for all the naysayers that try to pull me back and into their downward-spiraling, dismal world of despair and cloudy days, im not going along any more.
maybe ill hop off this fence and venture into a land of smiley times and dance parties all alone, but i wont be alone when im there.
i dont know why i feel like i need to take everyone along with me.
im not responsible for everyone else.
(well in a sense i am with work and miss A, but..... you get it.)
all i can do is stand at the edge of the world i know is real and the fence that everyone is sitting on and call them over.  if they slap my outstretched hand, so be it.  i can try again, but why make myself sad and preoccupied with it.
everyone is on a little journey themselves anyway.  everyone's life is meant to be a learning experience and a whole lot of growth.  everyone will find their way eventually but it's their own way to find, not mine to find for them.

so now........... i think it's time to dance my little ass off (and once again scare the cat).  miss A makes a perfect dance partner though.  :)

where logic and irrationality collide

i wish i had one of those brains.  one of those seemingly sane brains that all of my friends seem to possess.  one of those brains where logic overtakes irrational thought patterns.  where the reasonable and sensible seem to reign supreme over the uprising of selfishness and paranoid stupidity.
i wish.

every time something good pokes its head into my life, be it a person, money, good luck, a new camera or something..... misery pokes its ugly head in and there comes reality in the rear and .... POP!  that delightfully glorious bubble of mine is destroyed.  the few moments or months i have in sheer bliss and smiles is gone forever.  it's no wonder im not trusting, which is where im sure this paranoid stupidity was conceived.

and maybe i just say too much.  maybe my feelings are all exposed and on the line and out there.  maybe my honesty is just a tad bit too frightening because the rest of the world knows what i know: lying, cheating, misery, compromise, and unhappiness.

for some reason i think im better than the norm.  for some reason i think i can outdo and outrun this nonsense.  i think that i am somehow above this trend amongst humanity.
maybe i am.  maybe i could be if someone was just as fearless as me.

and this is where im stuck oh friend whose eyes are trying to grasp and hang onto whatever nonsense my fingers are flying away with.  im stuck.  im stuck between a pseudo heaven and a very real hell.  i can hear the moans of misery, the hissing and distrusting words, the sobs and tears of every broken hearted friend of mine on one side.  the other side has every song ive ever loved to hear, every smell that has had my knees buckle in sheer anticipation, every voice that has brought me a smile.  it's warm on that side like every hug that has actually saved my life.

but who really wants to move off this fence?  who has decided that fear is a big pussy and life's too short to sit around wondering, but myself?  im kinda starting to think im alone in this mindset.  not that i need to run to one side or the other, but why is their such disdain on the faces of those who deep down are longing for this amazing place as if it doesn't exist when they can see it right in front of them?

am i the only one that truly believes that not everyone you encounter is the same as the last?  am i the only one that believes in honesty and truth?   seriously maybe i do need to learn to hold back.  maybe my outstretched palm to help someone across to the side of pure bliss is too much.  maybe i just need to venture out there alone and hope someone follows or is there waiting for me.

right now this fence is cold and lonely.  i have splinters in my butt and im numb and sore from just sitting here.  i'm really tired of this waiting game.  i'm tired of sometimes slipping over onto the side of sad sounds and bleak days.  im not one for being fast but as soon as i even see my foot dangling on that side i hurl my tired body back on the fence.  i know i don't want to go that way.

somehow limbo is becoming completely irrational and i wish logic would set in and take over.  that although i haven't had the best track record or examples, this side where people are smiling and having amazing dance parties does exist and IS real.  it's not a mirage.  it's not a bad joke.  it's not a landmine.  it's there for the taking if you want it.

and i want it.  now just to move off this fence.