Friday, November 30, 2012

another year comes to a close

and im just a few months shy of 30!!!
i don't know if as a child i ever thought what i would be doing by this age, but certainly i never would have assumed all of this.
i know my dad cringes at my life.
i know he isn't super proud of me cos im not where he wants me to be in life.
and that's fine.
that's his plan for me.

the way i see it.... we're all pretty much headed to the same place and each one of us is on a different path and we'll all make it to the same end eventually.... some of us just take a little bit longer.  so maybe in an advanced world im traveling at a remedial pace.  so maybe i will get there a few hours, days, months, or years later than you.  fine.  so maybe i'll have a few extra stories from my travels that may bore you to tears or enlighten you beyond belief.  i don't know and neither do you.

to be completely honest, i don't think anyone of us has a goddamn idea where we are going and what we are doing.  some just fake it better than others.  and im ok admitting that i won't always have the answer and i wont always be correct and i wont always know right from wrong.  that's ok.  that's part of living and experiencing and figuring shit out.

every person i meet is just a part of a greater story.  bad memories or good.  they are each words on pages part of different chapters.  some words are too horrifying to read and i never return to those pages.  others fill me with smiles and happy thoughts remembering those days.  others are vague dreams i don't remember being a part of... either way, everything and everyone has been a part of my journey for a reason whether i like it and want to admit it or not.

so yes, to people like my dad i am a fuck up and a failure.  i am a near 30 year old who is a single parent with a dumpy house, no college degree, no "successful" job..... but who is to define success anyway?  the things i hear are "normal" disgust me to no end.

take relationships for example-  this whole BULLSHIT concept.... who is to say that 3 months after dating someone you need to expect them to propose and start planning your life together?  you dont know someone in 3 months let alone 3 years!  people change and grow constantly.  people are different with the phases of the moon.  girls have pms and periods.  guys have roid rage.  what im saying is that no one is predictable.  no one is ever who they claim to be cos i don't think anyone really has a handle on who they are all the time anyway.  that's just being human.  that's life.

why can't my concept of a relationship exist?  im tired of being told it's unrealistic.  what is wrong with wanting a best friend to hang out with and have funventures with?  what is wrong with just expecting them to love you for you in spite of all your shortcomings and places for growth and not be looking for "better?"  what is wrong with just being kind to each other and showing each other you give a shit in your weird and dorky little ways?  why is that unrealistic?  what is so appealing about fighting and arguing and drama and jealousy and clinginess and suspicion and having to move in and settle and be someone youre not simply in order to appease?  WHY is that the norm?

and fuck, if im living in a bubbly fantasyland.... then leave me there.  id like to believe my robot boy is out there and we can play with balloons and fly kites and go see the hidden places the world never stops to look at.  id like to think that we can live in the "unrealistic" realm that i so desire to be a part of.  id like to think that he isnt perfect either.... that he isnt completely where he needs to be but is content with just figuring things out and getting there as he does.

life is going to end eventually.  i don't understand the race- this rush for money and stuff and things.  just let life be.  experience what happens as it happens.  don't be in a hurry to MAKE things happen.  not to say you should kick back and coast... obviously be working towards being a better human and have a goal in mind but.... enjoy the simple things.  love the little bits no matter how small or sour or sweet or inviting or deceiving.  life is what it is.... every page is a part of your story whether it is a super happy moment or one that brings every reader to tears.  patience fellow human.....

so yes, im almost 30.  im "not where i need to be in life."  gotta say for the first time ever, im enjoying that and very much ok with it.  im excited to look back on all these pages when im gray and relive the little bits that most overlook.  ill make it to my end eventually and ill see you there.

an insomniac's epiphany

i have my pre-awake night shift "i cant sleep" bullshit roaming around my body again.  my eyes are heavy and tired, my mind is racing at crazy speeds, and im tossing and turning on my couch with "it's always sunny..." on in the background.  so i do the usual routine.... get up, make coffee, and find something to occupy my brain.  just now for some reason, logical and rational thought processes ensued. 

there is said boy i dig quite a bit.  said boy has said he digs me.  crazy girl brain i have goes stupid and overthinks and overanalyzes every last thing he does and does not do or say.  logical kelly chimes in and says "LADY NO!"  so, thankfully i havent actually acted on any of those self deprecating, stupid thoughts. 

and then, it hits me...
what am i stressing about?  in life, things come and go.  things change and things stay but it is not up for me to decide what that is.  i don't need a therapist to clue me in that i have trust issues.  just look at my dating track record!  ive been dumped and cheated on by EVERY person ive ever been with.  so of course im afraid to let anyone near me.  it's scary.

but with said boy.... i just want to hang out with this person and enjoy their company and have adventures as much as time allows.  and if it should end after a period of time, ok, that is what was meant to be and at least we had some great times to enjoy.  if it goes on and on, then awesome too, more fun times to be had.  i am not in control of time and people and space and change.  i don't get to determine that course.  i can just roll with punches and what is.  i can know that we both said we want to hang out and see where it goes.... and it goes wherever it chooses to go.  neither of us are in control of that.  and how do i even know what he thinks?  i always assume the worst.... that im being tolerated and not liked and enjoyed.  and who is to say that that is in any place remotely accurate?

so yes, i dont need a therapist to point out my mental flaws.   i just need to let go and let life do what it may.  easier said than done yes... easier said than done.  but it's possible.... and needs to happen.  or ill definitely miss out on fun and adventures and the possibility for some long term adventures.  who knows?   


sometimes i wish i could shut my brain up.
it runs and races at speeds i cant catch up with.
i hate the places it goes.
i hate that i cant let life just be.
i cant seem to not assume.
i cant seem to not over analyze.  

logic and rationality. 


Saturday, November 24, 2012

and so time flies

it's almost been a month and i have to say i couldn't be happier.  i am so glad the events in my life transpired how they did.  sure, 2 months ago i wouldn't have thought that i'd be feeling this way but i feel amazing and am glad for what happened.  sir that i thought was my dorky boy robot, no.  no you are very much not.  you are far from what i want and need.  boy that i stopped talking to for three months .... hanging out with said boy has been amazing.  three months ago this person was someone so different.  this person was not who i know now and i cant get enough of who i know now.  the problem is that i want to stay guarded.  i want to keep my walls up and be safe so i dont get hurt again but every time im with him they start to fall and im hanging on brick by brick to keep them in place.  he asked some pointed questions that i am trying to ignore so as not to entertain this lofty dream that could quite possibly be.  for once tho, i am willing to just let life go and happen as it may.  i am happy with this slow and steady course.  i dropped the L bomb the other night and he did last nite.  but i don't think i regret it.  i do love him.  i love how he has changed and i love how much he loves his family and puts them before himself.  i love that he is creative and sensitive and sweet.  i love that he is simple.  i love his taste in music.  i love his goofy dance moves.  i love that he will shamelessly dance party it up when EVERYONE is watching.   i love this quote by dr seuss because i don't do the whole gushy chick flick, "iminloveandneedthissappyromantictitledordeal...."  no. 

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” 



Saturday, November 3, 2012

an extra hour....

if im here an extra hour at work, awake, i will take this extra hour and waste a little bit of it on senseless brain blabber.

i've been smacked in the face by life lately.  shit in NY was really scary and eye opening to how lucky i am for the little i have and the few people in my life that are actually trustworthy and not complete farts and asses.  therein lies another lesson.

someone i swore off, someone i said i would never let near me ever again resurfaced last weekend.  and i forgot how much i missed this person.  i forgot how much they made me laugh and how good of a friend they always have been.  i was blindsided by their flaws and addictions.  who though, honestly, is without one vice or another?  needless to say, im happy they resurfaced and that i didn't hold a grudge.  i'm happy i am talking to them again and hanging out with them.

last month began with this "clinging to scraps and remains," fearing loss.  this whirlwind of chaos, lies, cheating, backstabbing.... and those are the types of people i was clinging to... people that did all that!  i don't need that drama and nonsense.  i dont need semi SS soldiers reporting every little thing i say and feel back to a certain few.  those are not friends.  i dont even know who said what but i just am choosing to say nothing to any of them anymore.  i will never understand that situation, what REALLY happened, and why it panned out the way it did.  but it is what it is and what remains is me on a new path with a new beginning with an old friend and meeting new friends.

im putting myself out there, taking chances, embracing possibilities and simply seeing what's next, realizing that some people are simply not worth my time for various reasons and the only thing i can do is simply let go of what was and focus on what is.  what will be remains unknown and that is the direction im heading in..... giant steps forward into the unknown.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

tragedy strikes

it was really hard to get anything done monday.
my sister was blowing up my phone with texts and videos of the oncoming and growing storm.
i began to worry.  i spent the evening hours watching the weather channel online seeing the flood and fires and wind destroying everything.  people left with nothing but darkness and tears.
i was told my family is alright but many of them are without power, without gas, without food, and pretty much cold and stuck.  i cant help but think about those with small children unable to provide necessities.  i cant help but think about the elderly, those that rely on electricity for medical needs, and those that were in hospitals at the time this all occurred.  i cant help but think how i sit here and whine about a few mice in my house when people lost everything. 
im sad because that is where i grew up.  some of those sights are so familiar to me.  it's hard to watch people begging for help feeling ignored and unheard.
it is nice however, to see a city that prides itself on individualism and independence, coming together and helping one another. 
talking to family and friends the spectrum of damage is incredible.  for some, meh a few branches and trees in the street, for others, lost homes, lost businesses, no power for who knows how long, no food, and no heat. 
if you live in the surrounding areas and are OK, HELP OUT!!!  if you have the means i am begging and stressing for you to help.  it is devastating to think about what everyone lost and what they have to see and be reminded of on a daily basis. 
it is sad to see how petty i am as well.  there is much more to value than things and stuff and much more to be thankful for on a daily basis than we really are.  i know i feel like a real jackass.

wishing nothing but a speedy return to whatever normal you all can come to again.
love to the east coast.