Saturday, March 31, 2012

days 16 and 17: 30 day challenge

day 16: im accepting.  i think people should be who they are and be happy.  i will never tell someone to change who they are.
day 17: im smiley.  90% of my days are spent smiling and figuring out ways to keep myself smiling.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

day 15: 30 day challenge (halfway there)

it is getting hard to find nice things to say about me haha.
day 15: i have awesome freckles.  i really do.  they may attribute to my child like face, but i love them.  they brighten my face up and add to my youthlike glow. 

oh chick flicks, what have you done to me?

in a 90-120 min span, there is a dorky pair that have some dorky interactions, a "down point" and then magically, in the summation of the movie, find each other and are happy again.  90-120 minutes.  real life is not that quirky or enjoyable.  letting go of someone you found yourself caring about sucks entirely.  letting a desire go into the great unknown is super sucky.  here you tried to just "play it cool" with that guy you had a chance meeting with that seemed too perfect.  here you tried to just be what he wanted, someone that could just sit back and wait on him to figure himself out and see what he was about.  YOU FAILED.   your hyper puppy-ness FAILED and he has run for the hills.  it sucks.  i remember the fun few weeks where things were moving far faster in REAL time but felt right in MOVIE time.  then he stops, gets a reality check, and you can't seem to get your head outta the clouds.  all you can think about is that something is either wrong with you or he met someone prettier or more easy going.  all you can think about NOW is that every word out of his mouth is a lie and that he's just feeding you strings of lines that you want to hear so that he doesnt hurt or offend you.  you go to your "friends" for advice but the guy ones say he's a douchebag trying to spare your feelings and the girl ones say he just honestly does sound confused and needs time to himself.
all i can honestly say is letting go of someone you get along with really sucks.  letting go of a new friend cos you became far too excited and forgot that pee goes outside and NOT on the carpet is super super sucky.  maybe one day our paths will cross again and maybe it will be like the endings to all of those movies that lead me on in the same fashion.  those movies that coerce me into thinking that "LOVE" exists and that somewhere out there a dorky, handsome, thoughtful guy is into me and will hang out with me and have fun times and say all the right things at the right moments.  those movies are bullshit and i really need to stop watching them.  all im finding is that the "list" i drew up so as to not compromise my standards, the list of NON superficial and shallow ideals, is actually horseshit as well.  i havent had anyone fit these standards since i was 16 and 12 years later, i honestly was shocked and thought i might have..... but when your idea of a perfect person runs screaming for the hills because you say too many things and he is unsure of who he is as a person, all you can imagine now is that you are far too gushy or this person is a lie. 
i guess it's time to burn the romcom category in my dvd collection and netflix queue. 

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

days 13 and 14: 30 day challenge

day 13:  i'm resourceful.  i may not always have cash to do what i wanna do or need to do, but i figure out a way to get it done.  i make the most of what i have and figure out ways around things.  i am a total macgyver.
day 14: i speak my mind.  i can't tell you how many men, women, and children just have this fear of opening their mouths.  i used to.  i USED to.  now, i dont see WHY people hold back their feelings and emotions.  sometimes, that's how you realize how silly some things you think or feel sound when you say them outloud. 

Monday, March 26, 2012

new state of mind

i knew taking a few days away from my daily life would be beneficial but i didn't realize HOW much until this afternoon.  i mean, granted i have audrey with me so im not TOTALLY escaped from my daily life, but with so much down time, im realizing a lot of things.

i have it very good.  honestly, i really shouldn't complain ever.  it may not always be easy, but i definitely have it good.
im really starting to like and believe in myself.  all you haters and nay-sayers can lick my left testicle.  all you liars and cowards and phonies can get in line to lick my left testicle. 
i don't need people like the above in my life.  the world is big and full of many people and i don't need shitfaces like that around me bringing me down or confusing me or leading me around blindly on an invisible leash. 
i'm better than all this.  i'm better than my own destructive thoughts and i'm better than what all the a-holes decide i am.
i am a strong, determined, driven woman and if that scares you, SEE YA!  i know what i want and am not stopping til i get it.  i also know what i DONT want and no longer am going to let it seep into my daily life. 
i may not entirely have my shit together, but im workin on it and getting there.  i may not entirely know who i am but i'm workin on it and getting there. 
if i stop talking to certain persons and you find yourself to be one of them, it is not because your shit isnt together because, like i said, im workin on my own shit.  it is because you have no desire to get your shit together, can't accept me for my shortcomings, or wont admit to your own. 

dear world, life is about knowing and bettering yourself, personal growth, and making the world a more peaceful place.  it's about doing good, being good, and speaking good things into existence.  it's about acceptance, love, and kindness.  if you have no desire for these things, i don't want you near me.  if you think im a loopy hippie, i don't need you near me.

im finally seeing the light and it only took 3 days away from home to happen.

days 5-12: 30 day challenge

man i suck at being timely with this but.... i said im gonna do it, and do it i shall.

day 5: i am smart.  i sell myself so short but i am really smart.  maybe not in every subject but.... i understand a lot more than i let on.
day 6: i am peaceful.  i really just want everyone to get along and be friends and be happy.  i'll do whatever it takes to make sure everyone is ok.
day 7: i am accommodating.  again, i just want everyone to be ok, so if that means putting myself and my wants aside... i'll do it.
day 8: i am adventurous.  i like to learn new things and see new places and try new things.  im never content to just go with my normal routine.  i like and thrive on change.
day 9: i am selfless.  i don't come anywhere in my own life.  my priority is not myself.  from sun up to sun down i am constantly giving to everyone else.  i take care of my residents, audrey, my house, my school work.... i dont fit in and while that could be draining, and is, i think it is great that some days i forget to shower and eat because everyone else comes first.
day 10: i am creative.  i have a lot of silly ideas running through my brain and have no shame in trying them out.
day 11: i am helpful.  i always like to make sure everyone else's load is a bit lighter.  i always like to go the extra mile for everyone else.
day 12: i have a really sweet personality.  and i think that's what makes me physically pretty.  i have a big heart and let it show on my sleeve.  while that sometimes gets me into trouble, i think it is what makes me pretty though.  i just let it all show, hide nothing, and what i have to show is pretty sweet.

again, this isnt meant to sound braggy.  i really am just learning to love myself for who i am and what i have, not who i want to be and what im not.  this is helpful and is finally bringing me the self confidence i was lacking.

Monday, March 19, 2012

days 3 and 4: 30 day challenge

day 3: im physically beautiful.  i have awesome colored eyes and freckles that make the hardest of hearts melt.  i have some pretty sweet tattoos.  i have a killer smile and my teeth are pretty ok for how much coffee i drink.  :)  normally this is where i'd point out what im NOT, but that defeats the purpose of this thing.  i dont need gobs of makeup to enhance my features.  in fact, i always get told how i DONT really need makeup which is fine with me because i'd rather sleep an extra hour anyway.  im curvy and apparently have a sweet ass.  im ok with these things and i accept them as true.  :)

day 4:  i have a great laugh.  i am TOTALLY OK with the fact that i snort.  i really don't care.  when i get excited i laugh and don't hold anything back.  i just let go and enjoy.  i chuckle, i giggle, i squeal, and i snort.  it's ok.  i love laughter and accept my laugh for what it is.... a part of me, which is great! 

this may sound completely narcissistic but i have always lived my life with such a self deprecating, self defeating attitude.  i never stop to consider what IS good about me, i always just see what im NOT.  so while this 30 day list of things about me i love sounds conceited, it is merely a tool to help me realize who i am and inspire confidence in my day to day living with love for myself by myself without needing anyone ELSE to confirm it.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

you can learn a lot from a 2 year old...

hangin out with audrey is always a learning experience.  little did i know today would be so therapeutic.  i have a hard time just letting life be as it may.  i like to know what is going to happen so i can prepare myself for the outcome.  silly, i know, but there's my baggage.  today, audrey wanted me to push her in the swing while i blew bubbles.  let me tell you, blowing bubbles is the most freeing feeling in the world. maybe it's because youre taking deep breaths, or maybe it's because of something that i understood today.  audrey kept saying "bye bubbles" every time the bubbles would float away.  then something clicked.  i thought about everything in my life that has no answer, everything that is giving me a headache and a stomach knot.  (my house, my ex, school, certain people for example.)  so with each long breath and string of bubbles, i let go.  i let go of worry and uncertainty and i let go of just simply not being able to control or foresee the outcome.  i have to just let life be as it may.  it's like another lesson my jiu jitsu instructor taught me a few months ago.  a heart monitor shows the activity of the heart.  when it peaks both up and down, it shows the heart is active and alive.  when it's a flat line, the heart has no activity and the person is not alive.  in order to be alive, you have to take the ups and downs, good and bad with life.  so, no, i cant control things and no, i dont know what the future is going to hold in all of these areas of my life, but.... i'm not meant to.....
"bye bubbles."

Saturday, March 17, 2012

leave it to me

i am very good at effing up good things.  i run my mouth, get panicky, become a hyper puppy and piss the floor.... not on the newspaper.

im impatiently waiting on an answer that will dictate a change of course....
i ran my mouth so much im pretty sure i know it will be bad but for once i would really like to have this be a positive outcome.  im trying to THINK positive regardless.

im impatient at best and usually like to pester the heck out of the situation that im waiting on which usually means prematurely calling it quits, but this time, im trying to just quietly, and patiently wait.  it's not easy.  not everyone reacts like i do.  not everyone processes like i do.

and so i wait.  but i probably made a mess again.

i forgot day 2.... 30 day challenge continued

so im gonna mash day 2 and day 3 together.

so for day 2.... i am witty.  i am a funny, sassy little miss and i'm totally fine with running my mouth.  :)

for day 3.... i am talented.  i write songs, i sing, i bake awesome things, and am creative.  im a jack (well, jill?) of all trades. 

Thursday, March 15, 2012

change of pace... a 30 day challenge

no, im not going on a diet.  im not learning a new word every day or reading a new book a week.
im making it a point for 30 days to say something nice about myself.  i have a problem with really self-defeating, nagging thoughts.  what better way to squash the lies that be with some valid truths?

so day 1:
i am thoughtful.  it's cheesy at best, but it's a good place to start.  i like to give and make people feel special and important.  i am all about the small things and not many people are.  i take a look at audrey and how much i do for her not because i feel guilt or because i "have to" but because i just can't help it.  i want her to feel loved and special and important.  i like to do that for others.  i want to make sure other people are always feeling on top of the world.

so that's day 1.    i am thoughtful.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

i feel pathetic

all these girly feelings are surfacing.  i mean, ive only been on my own for about 4 months now, but had been insanely detached from my ex for so many months prior.  now im at this point where i really do just want to be important to someone.  i want people to stop hurting me and treating me like a flushable wipe or something.  no im not like on a wild boyfriend goosechase, but .... i would just like to mean something to someone.  i wanna know that im being thought about.  i want to know that what's said to me is only said to me and no one else.  i want someone to be silly and cute on me.  i feel like im asking too much.  maybe one day.  :/

Monday, March 12, 2012

waves of uncertainty

i am in the weirdest place in my life that i think ive ever been.
some things are stellar, some things are awful, and some things are just..........good.
i have always been one who needs to know what's going on... i'm a planner.  i like knowing what is going to happen before it happens so i can brace myself for what is to come.  unfortunately, life does not work like that and it has my gut in a knot once again.  this time in a good way.  at least i think it's good? 
i hate being a girl.  i really do hate it.  i hate being vulnerable and open and exposed.  i hate not knowing and these immense feelings of inadequacy and confusion.  i wish i could be more trusting, but having been burned many times over, it's not very easy any more.  i would really just like to let things happen one day at a time, but i'm a worrier by nature.  i'm used to being ditched and used.  it's hard when you care about someone to trust their words when so many you've cared about before have stabbed you in the back with similar statements.  it's hard just to let things go and happen as they may.  i think i just need to keep remembering that i don't control the universe and the fate of my future is not necessarily "in my hands" as many movie slogans and sayings would like to make me believe.  i'm responsible for making good choices and my reaction to what happens in life.  i cant control other peoples' thoughts and feelings, nor can i change the course of where our lives take us.  im really lucky right now the way my life has been going.  my course has been steered in some amazing places and instead of panicking about what's next, i really wish i could enjoy the ride of what is and not push people away or try to pull people too close. 
for now, im working on being happy on my own, standing on my own two feet, knowing myself and liking myself, and maybe, just maybe learning to trust again.  i dont know why, like with weight loss, i expect dramatic and immediate results.  it is so so foolish of me to think that way.  instead of jumping headfirst into brick walls, how bout i just walk around....?