Saturday, June 25, 2011

to keep my tired eyes from closing

i'm doing my overnite shift.  i worked too fast.  i am out of things to do.  i barely got ANY sleep Friday afternoon because my neighborhood is LOUD!  i need earplugs.  i swear i am going to invest in some.  i worked too fast, have nothing to do for tomorrow really so doing extra is really out of the question right now, and coffee is failing miserably.  i thought if i just began typing all the random nonsense that is running amok in my brain, maybe oh maybe that would keep me awake for 4 more hours.... where i will go home and have to watch my daughter for 5 hours until her dad comes to get her so i can get some sleep.  i dont think that will be a problem!  (insert heaping portion of sarcasm).... i am enviously listening to 5 residents snoring away.... oh how i hate them right now!  (i do love them but right now because i'm so tired, i hate them haha!)

i've been thinking of course about relationships.  it feels like i am stuck on a carousel constantly going up and down and around and around.  i just want off the damn horse and the jackass running the ride wont stop it.  i'm dizzy and sick and just can take no more.  but the music keeps me on.  the joys of carefree childlike abandon keep me somewhere that i'm not sure i belong any more. 

i wonder what the future is going to bring.  already i feel insanely overwhelmed.  'ask for help' is the constant theme of advice and when you have turned yourself into a broken record with the same public service announcement and have seen no results, it's almost better off not saying anything at all anymore.  i feel burdened by fatigue and even by parenthood.  not to say i don't love and adore my beautiful little lady.  she is the sweetest thing and on days where my mood is pure shit, she pulls me from the dumps with a smile or a hug and brings me back to life again.  it's the other responsibilities of life that i think put such a damper on the joys of being a mom.  when you have an unsupportive partner, that doesnt help.  when he is delusional as to how much he contributes and wont see otherwise, that doesnt help.  when your unsupportive partner has 3x a week where he gets an outlet/hobby and you get zero, that doesnt help.  when you work 32 hours a week, watch your daughter 4-6 days a week on top of working, you get tired.  when you also bear the burden of 90% of the housework, the cooking, the bills and budgeting on top of all the previously stated parts of life....yeah summed up, i am one tired mama.

i know single moms have it way worse.  i know there are plenty of people worse off than me in general... im trying to stay positive and see the light at the end of the tunnel but i really cant any more.  it has grown bleak and narrow.  the same conversations with the same outcomes.

im starting school in october.  october 3 to be exact.  in under 2 years i am going to have a degree.... a real degree.  crazy.  im so worried though.  if i'm this burned out now, i dont even think i want to KNOW myself after a few months of school. 

i feel so dead.  i need an outlet... a healthy outlet.  at this point all i have is an overwhelming amount of fatigue and an unhealthy obsession with my body weight and size.... i hate it.  i gained 70 pounds when i was pregnant.  i got up to like 200 pounds and im 5'2" and some change.  now im down to 125 and have the post pregnancy flab and just cant stand it.  the number is never good enough.  the size is never good enough.  all my jeans are sliding off without needing to be undone and yet its not good enough for me.  my goal was to be 115 by july and i havent seen the number move much.  mostly cos my knees have turned to royal shit and i cant do much of anything for exercise until i get them checked (which might result in surgery whenever i get some insurance).  i dont not eat like an anorexic or purge like a bulemic.... but it plagues me.  day and night it is on my mind.  i have a sick compulsion to just grab the places that i feel are too big and just stare at them in a mirror when i am stripped down to nothing before and after my shower.  i weigh myself 4x a day as if the number will change by what i eat or dont eat that day.  i stare at my unfavored spots in my daughter's mirror when we are sitting and playing in her room.  i wonder who thinks im a fat mom.  i wonder who stares at me with the same intent and disgust as myself.  yeah i probably have a problem here but.... i dealt with similar things when i was 15 and came around sure this too shall pass.

i feel though as if everyone i know will or wont befriend me based on my weight and size.  i feel as if new people wont befriend me because of my size.  i feel as if i cant ever be loved or accepted because of my trouble spots.  and even now, in my hopeless fatigue, i sit and stare and poke and pull at all of the demons on my body ....

curse the man or woman that deemed skeletal figures "socially acceptable" and "beautiful."  perfectly carefree people such as myself lose ourselves in this quest for social normality and acceptance. 

i feel like i have had missed opportunities because of how i dont look.  i mean, in all honesty, im short.  i look 15.  im curvy and not toned in all the right places.  i wear glasses.  i dont usually wear makeup or do my hair.  my clothes are more functional than trendy.  my shoes are usually chucks or flip flops and not designer labels.  i dont carry a purse.  i dont have an iphone or a blackberry.  i drink my coffee black and strong.  i like my music indie and mellow.  i drive the speed limit most of the time.  sometimes i flip annoying people off.  im nearly 28 years old and have never completed college and don't have a "career."  my house is 96 years old roughly and is in the hood.  i don't go out and party.  i went to a bible college and was brainwashed for 7 years of my life to believe that a certain way of life and believing was more "right" than any other.  i grew up poor.  i never got to travel the world and have my mid-twenties adventure.  i fear being alone and stay places for longer than i should.  i don't listen to my gut.  i let a lot of amazing people go.  i let a lot of amazing opportunities go.

i try not to get down on my 28 years of existence.  i try to look at the positive... i lost 78 pounds in a year and a half roughly.  i am enrolled in school for something i want to do and can do.  i have a beautiful daughter that is bright and loving and funny and amazing.  i look so casual daily that when i DO dress up i am quite a fox.  i have a couple of medals for jiu jitsu and judo that not many can call their own.  i own a house.  i played guitar and played shows at the fine line for a year once a month.  i have come in contact with some stellar people.  i am really social.  i had a kid pretty early so there's still time for an adventure.

i just need my brain to snap back into reality so things can make sense again.  i need to stop looking at myself as a shell of a person and regain confidence in what truly makes me tick.  i need to stop focusing entirely on the exterior of myself and understand that what makes me tick is pretty fuckin great.  i need to believe in myself and believe that i know what's  best for me and can handle tough times.... i mean shit, if i grew up in what i did and came out the hard workin mom that i am.... yeah, i can handle almost anything. 

i think i just get tired .... i get tired of reading blogs of friends whose parents fly them all over the world, whose jobs are amazing and they're only 23, who go to shows and have extensive cd/vinyl collections, who have a vast support system and get to hang out with their friends weekly, who are living the life they planned and seem to be extremely happy.... i get tired of always having to put my nose to the grind and dig.  i want the chance to coast.  im tired of just getting by and having no fun money or time for fun.  im tired of feeling lost.  im tired of being outlandish and childish.  im 28 in one week and one day for crying out loud.  28?!?!

i always imagined things differently for myself by now. what i have instead is quasi-satisfaction. maybe it's time i stop settling and run with the dream i have in hand and go get it? 

all i know is that this bout of rambling has left me in the same boat i was in before but has killed quite a large portion of time that would have been spent with me trying to keep my head off the counter.  thank you blog and thank you reader for giving my shift a sense of purpose again.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

"the day you stop learning is the day you stop living"

maybe things are looking up....

well, i had a massive mental overhaul the other day and things i think are finally on the upswing.... although there are a few people still that make my heart sting with their blatant ignoring me, but.... maybe there's a reason they're inching their way away from me.  maybe they're not the people i thought they were after all. 

i BEYOND passed my placement tests for school, got accepted, and realized i will soon be in debt up to my eyeballs, but ....i will have accomplished something.  i will have an associates degree in SOMETHING I WANT TO DO AND CAN DO!  i dont think ive been more determined about something (except when i was training for BJJ AMERICAN NATIONALS 3 years ago).  even then, i had to prove all the guys wrong that told me i was stupid for going and would lose right away.  i got a gold medal on  my mantle that says otherwise.  same with getting my associates in medical assisting.  this is something i know i can and want to do.  i can test out of some things and am determined to just go full swing and get it done earlier than the 2 year assumed end date. 

for once, i feel focused.  for once, i feel driven.  i want to put everyone in their place for quitting on me and put myself in my place for quitting on me.

on a non selfish note, audrey is thriving greatly!  the doctor was very impressed with her cognitive skills, how much she understands like when you give her a direction to do something, her imaginative skills, and the fact that she says more than 5 "words."  it was also a sweet and refreshing thing to hear from her doctor that i am doing a fantastic job and am a great mom.   i dont always feel at my best or that i'm doing anything right, but ... life is all about learning.  the day you stop learning is the day you stop living.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

life: an eternal high school

i dont even know if anyone reads these things but sometimes i feel it ever so necessary to just get my thoughts down and out of my crowded brain.
for anyone like me, you werent the popular kid ever.  and i mean ever.  i cant remember having hoards of friends growing up.  just a few close ones that stuck by me through merciless teasing and school yard brawls.  yes whoever is reading this, i got into some fisticuffs in my hayday. 

i just feel like my adulthood has become a never ending reminder of high school.  all these social mediums we parade ourselves around on are probably the worst at it... lets start back at the beginning.  remember when instant messages were the thing to be doing.  i remember being 15 and staying up til the wee hours of the morning talking to strangers and friends..... the popularity contest then was who had more contacts than who.  then it moved onto things like friendster and myspace and now the ever popular facebook.  it's about how many friends you have, how many comments you get on your status update or new pictures every day, who posts on your wall and shows you they love you.... then things like twitter come into play and its all about how many followers you have, or even things such as this blog..... i dont think anyone reads it and it says i have a few followers.....but only a few.

why are these things held in such high merit?  why is life an eternal reminder of the childish antics of my former years when i had no idea how to dress myself, was chubby and wore glasses, and fell up the stairs almost on a daily basis?  why do i still feel like that dorky 14 year old who came home alone after school and didn't really have many people to hang out with or talk to and those that i did hang out with my mom disapproved of because they had pink hair and liked nirvana? 

sometimes i feel like my words fall into an endless void and no one can hear me.  sometimes i feel like the forgotten kid in the back of the classroom just wishing the "popular kids" would say hi to me.  sometimes i wonder who else feels like this though.  i never know who had the same past as i did.  i mean, i look at the kids that picked on me all through grade school and high school and they are overweight losers .... well most of them.  most of them made nothing for themselves because they were too vain to look forward and see that their good looks would not bring them the best things in life.  other times though, i feel like i am screaming out for approval from people that don't even matter at all.  i cant tell you how many people i have deleted out of my phone or off facebook at times like these because i just have this sudden "a-ha" moment where i realize that these idiots dont determine my value and if they cant see how fucking amazing i am then i don't need them dragging me down.  then moments where i feel dejected and alone come around and i find myself yearning for someone's approval and return to these morons only to have them block me or ignore me completely....

how i wish i could have grown up better.  i wish i could still just grow up.  why is my mindset plagued with this juvenile behavior?  if i have but 3 good friends in my life, wouldnt that be better than 2987 people that just want to know me?  but at the same time i find myself yearning to do something great that would make 2987 people want to know me.  i feel like i havent achieved anything or reached my greatest potential.  i feel like my ideas and desires have fallen on dry soil and deaf ears.  fuck, i dont think my therapist really gave a shit about what i had to say...

where does this leave me?  on a day like today, it leaves me eating lunch alone in the bathroom stall where no one can see me.  tomorrow, quite possibly it brings me saying hi to someone i never met before.  the day after that, maybe i cut class with my new friend and go get coffee.... i really couldnt say.  i'm just coming to realize that no matter how hard i try to escape it, no matter how fast i run or try not to look back, life will forever and always be an eternal high school.

Monday, June 13, 2011

a goal, a challenge, a dream

watched julie & julia about 2 times in one sitting.  this movie made me feel good.  i feel so much like julia child in the beginning.  here she goes trying all these different things when all she really wants to do is cook.  and there is julie with this crap job and half completed goals and a love of cooking.  they both set out with goals and face intense struggle and upset.  but they both have a support system and an amazing drive that help them through til the end.
i need a goal.  i need a challenge.  i need something that keeps me going.  i gave up on guitar because it drained me.  i cant do bjj right now because i might need knee surgery.  what can i do?

i dont think i have taken care of myself in so long.  my hair is a rats nest.  i am overtired.  i am in a field i like at a job that's not entirely what i want to do.  i want to go back to school but keep getting the "NO."  i want healthy relationships and friendships but seem to keep hitting brick walls and dead ends.  i want the joy and smile that i see on julia's face when she cooks. 

i wonder what makes me happy.  i wonder what would bring that light back to my eyes.  i think i care too much about what everyone else wants for me and what everyone else thinks about me to just go and do.  i have a busy life.  i am a mom, a homeowner, and i work.  but shouldnt i too be able to be happy?  shouldnt i too be allowed to have that spark of life that gets me going every morning?

maybe its time i spend time focusing on me, finding what makes me tick and breathe again.  maybe its time i spend less time worrying about everyone else and just worry about me, making myself smile and feel alive.....
now where to begin?