Monday, May 27, 2013

waking up... again

so, i feel awake.
literally and metaphorically speaking.
a) i am super wide awake right now running on no sleep really (surprised?)
b) my insides feel awake and alive... again

i wrote a little while back about the first time (if youre that curious go hunt it much too lazy to begin that tale again).  today, talking to someone about life aspirations and materialism and clicked.  yes, yes, i AM a god damn hippie but also... im awake.

for the first time in quite a while, im not lying.
im not pretending to be a certain way or embracing something i don't believe in to appease someone else, namely members of the opposite gender.
i like who i am.
i like what i stand for and what i believe in.
i think people should hug more and hold hands.
i think people should say what they mean and mean what they say.
i think people should be polite and nice and giving.
i think people should utilize their talents and skills to benefit those that need it for no other reason than instead of not utilizing your skills because the avenue doesn't look profitable or seems stuffy, you should use that skill be it your brain for medical research or psychology or your hands for creating or growing also requires a lot of brain skill, do it to help others.  (holy run on sentence train of thought off course speed racer car batman!!)

shit i hate to sound amazingly cheesy, but playing one song in front of people... after 7 years of hiding....
it feels good to come out. 
it feels good to for once think ONE nice thing about myself.
that although i totally fucked the song up in the beginning and although my hands were beyond shaky and although you could hear my nerves in the trembling of my voice....i did it.
i stepped outside of the comfortable realm of the safety in doing nothing and i won.  people clapped and encouraged me and told me nice things.
people asked for more.

i feel like im in a way different place than when i made music before J.  i was afraid and unsure and just flat out hiding, afraid to think i was good at anything.  shit, it reminds me of 7th grade.  i wanted to play the part of like "orphan 15" in my middle school's production of OLIVER TWIST and my chorus teacher had heard me sing before and forced me to try out for Oliver and i got it.  i remember how afraid i was. this chubby dorky kid ...the wad of gum under the table you only notice when your mind drifts along with your hands at some crappy dive bar and there you find it.  i remember though, when it came time for my solo, the big song that was just going to bring the story together, i froze... i started out shaky and unsure... but then, admist the darkness with the spotlight blinding most of my vision, i saw a few faces in the crowd.... and they looked engaged.  suddenly a little louder, my voice echoed in the auditorium until that one moment, where i KNEW i'd done well (and trust me, ME giving myself ANY positive praise is pretty much a nonexistant scenario).  so the same happened last nite.  i had that one moment where i knew it wasnt about my lack of visible and audible nerves.... for once it was about that moment where, although it wasn't perfect, people knew what i meant and heard it... and they felt it too.

long story short, that moment woke me up again... to a new level of awareness of self.  a new place of just finally finally finally BEING OK WITH MYSELF.  im weird and quirky and shy and giggly and i live in a cartoon world where everyone is nice and no one ever dies.  i play pirates at the park and think about how much alcohol i can incorporate into cupcakes.  i enjoy looking at pee under microscopes and dance partying to old big band records.  i love sound.  i love being able to make sound.  i think everyone should share and be kind and put others first...this is what makes me up....and i like who this person is.  for the first time, being fully aware of myself as a whole and aware of the things that make me up in parts... i like me.

Friday, May 24, 2013

i am so barely here

i walk through life in this lucid state
never really sure of what is here or not here
never really sure of what is real or imagined

sometimes i wonder if my "problems" and "feelings" are imagined

sometimes im not even sure of what's really real

my sleep deprived mind caves to psychosis at times and i wonder when i actually will snap
i don't really talk about shit
i wait til it gets so huge and builds up to be so much that i explode from implosion

i go to therapy, yes, but i don't say much
im afraid that if i let all of these words out of my mouth that someone will check me in somewhere
im afraid that if i tell someone all of the thoughts and feelings i have that they will pity me and run

so i suck it up and bury it down deep where no one can find it
i put on a happy face and prance through life as a merry do-gooder til shit hits the fan
and then...
i turn into like the hulk or something where i don't even recognize myself
im angry and like roid-ragey and i dont like it
it's unfamiliar

times like this where my mind is so tired and my body just feels like collapsing, i wonder what help looks like
i wonder what it's like to have people around you that support you and want to be near you

and then i wonder if ive just isolated myself
so stubborn and self-reliant, i wonder if that has pushed everyone away
i get mad at people for never being nearby just for a hug or to chat or to rescue me from paint splattered hair and a body that probably hasn't seen soap for a few days ... but what if it's all my fault?
what if all of the sadness ive felt for so long and isolation ive known since birth is merely my fault?

i am so barely here
i float through life like a lifeless soul not sure if it's in a euphoric heaven or if it is in the depths of the darkest hell
whether im alive or dead remains in question, but the solid truth is that i am so barely here

i cant remember a god damn thing, be it happy or sad
im a flat out mess that desperately just wants to collapse and find solace in something
but everything is so fleeting and nothing fills
no person, no bottle, no pill, no smoke, no sound....

i love music and lately, sound has even lost its luster and life
im walking and wandering this gray and foggy path barely able to see my own feet in front of me
im walking with outstretched arms and hands feeling my way through because falling just one more time is not in the cards for me
i cant have that happen anymore

i see an end in sight, but as each day passes it drifts further and further from my scope of vision
and with fatigue, my body fails and i lose hope

i just want you to tell me that you know what i know and that things are really going to be how ive seen
i just want someone to call me or text me or just say HI for no other reason
but ive ostracized myself and no one likes the crazy one

im sorry i have compulsive tendencies
im sorry i have debilitating anxiety
im sorry i have ADHD
im sorry that in combination with the lifestyle i am forced to lead being a momma that i have pretty much no life and no energy and have no idea what a hobby or interest really looks like
im sorry that i have let so much build up and have snapped at horrible times and in that torrential storm of emotional nonsense have pushed aside people that wanted to care

i wouldnt know where to start or how to deal with me either
they say im not a lost cause
i know deep down im not
but feeling so barely here i sure feel like one

i know you understand but i fear that these words will shove even you away
if you really got to know the real me, would you like me?
shit, if i really got to know the real me, would i really even like me?

i wonder who she is...
this person comes out from time to time and i like what i know of her
but she is so far gone most days
i wonder where id be now if ...

but this is no time for the what if game...
apparently im at work and supposed to be doing that
but again, my sleepy brain and aching limbs want to do nothing but stand and lean on this kitchen island and stare off into space, enveloping silence and solitude
i like these overnight shifts for the one reason that i can just BE ALONE
no one really NEEDS me for anything
yeah i have things to do but .... the time is mine, at my own pace, and i can process things
life slows down for 8 hours and though im so tired and my thoughts can get carried away from me faster than id like...
the fact that i have thoughts at any sort of speed remind me im alive
alive for me for just a few moments
and honestly, i like that feeling

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

need an opinion

k maybe i cant sleep cos im chewin on some shit...
so whoever is reading this, please, i need an opinion....

an unbiased, irreligious opinion.

my mom...
the woman has been nothing more than a female person to me for 90% of my life.  growing up she was usually out on dates with guys and spent child support on herself.
she married these weirdos that she didn't screen very well and were not all that great to my sister and i.
one christmas vacation i came home from college and she was apparently in the process of moving out with her boyfriend at the time leaving me in a vacant apartment with old halloween candy and instant coffee.
when i got pregnant she promised to come help me since J's mom passed away the day after bubs was born.
she never did.
i saw her once when bubs was 1.
she never calls.
when i used to call her it was a guilt trip for not calling or a story about some trip her husband and her went on.
she has been popping pain meds hardcore for the past 5 years and stole $9k from my grandma to move herself to arizona.
she left a snarky comment on a pic of my kids from a russian orphanage about how im an insensitive person and that my dear reader was the last straw.
i blocked her.
i deleted her.
yep, did all that to my own mom on facebook.

then i get a text from my sister 2 weeks later asking why.
then i get a phone call from a NY cell number i can only assume is my mother and let it go to voicemail.
checking my voicemail 3 days later it was in fact my mom.
she so monotonely said she was sorry and wants to see me and bubs and is once again visiting my sister in NY and has a 3 hour layover in mpls and wants me and bubs to come say hi.

i saved the voicemail simply because im not sure.
i feel like this is a repeticious cycle of guilt trips and im sorry's.
i feel like it's unfair to hold her issues against her though.
i know my own issues have pushed people out of my life that i just want back but...
i mean what do you do when it's the one person that is supposed to care about you and be there for you and calm your nerves and fears and be there to talk to about life?
how do you see past the words to find out if there is any validity in them at all?

so im just asking for an opinion.
deep down i think i should just bury the hatchet but in all seriousness im not sure i want anything to do with her at all....
yes, she had a few sparse moments of putting us first but 99% of my life it's been nothing but the opposite.
i just dont know if i want to stomach any more....

so what do you think?

sad words...?

she dries her eyes
with the back of her dirty hands
lights a cigarette
and takes a long drag
between shallow breaths
as she figures out what's next
staring off into
the stretch of road beneath her bare feet

she cant seem to find the speed
to run far enough away
from all of these little things
that haunt her fragile memory
too much remains, too much remains
to want to make it through today

blades of wet grass
hit the soles of her feet
it's a better thought
than what she's been wondering
the ashes burn
so close to her fingertips
but she'd rather feel that
than the loneliness from all of them

she picks up the pace
but cant find the speed
to run far enough away
from all of these little things
that haunt her fragile memory
too much remains, too much remains
to want to make it through today

tripping over her own feet
with a heavy sigh she screams
cursing the world
"why me? why me?"

she picks herself up
but can't find the energy
to turn back around
and face all the little things
that haunt her fragile memory
too much remains, too much remains
to find her way back
too much remains
so she lays back
and lets the light take her
away from emotional murder
and her vacant smile's fading
her lifeless eyes are glazing over
as she goes

Saturday, May 18, 2013

questionable sanity

this long night.
these shifts drive me to the brink of insanity, sometimes take me there and back, and sometimes leave me there stranded.
i confide in people at the peak of my nonsensical self-loathing train of thought and lose "friends" faster than i seem to meet them.
i begin to question everything about myself and even my sanity.
is this psychosis a permanent state of mind or is it fluctuating based on the hours of sleep  my week has held?
all i know right now is that my mind is tired and blank, my body is lazy and im not sure if i know anything at all.
if it weren't for the free coffee, im not sure id make it through any of this.
but really in the light of all of the things i could subtweet and all the inner jealousy at those who get to go out and experience life and have fun, and all of the feelings that i am forgotten and easily brushed aside.....
i know someday this will all be worth it.
nights like tonite when i feel held captive against my will.
nights where im left alone with nothing but thoughts that i dont like and that mutually dont like me with the same regard either.
some day these countless hours will all make sense and the greater picture, the broader scope of view will be revealed.
the pinhole spectrum of what i know and understand will spread and tunnel out til i can finally see it all.
but for now, i go back to the mundane and menial tasks at hand.
for now i go back to lonesome silence with my brain.
for now i wish and want and hope and dream of bigger and better things.
days where i can open my mouth and not be afraid of what's just come out.
days where i can be brave and not some hidden little creature.
days where i maybe will matter to someone somewhere and my phone wont be so quiet.

344am.  almost there.

Monday, May 13, 2013

an ADHD moment

i have already concluded i am not getting much of this assignment done.
i dont like being serious and i hate powerpoint.
so there.

today was ....
probably one of the worst OCD/anxiety-driven days i have had in a long time.
chain smoking like hunter s thompson, shaking as if i were an alcoholic in need of a drink, and rambling like i was on the world's supply of narcotics... that's hot.

i even came home and obsessively started cleaning and organizing with no real reason or trigger.
i think i apologized to bubs about 55 times and told her one day mommy wouldn't be so all over the place and would be able to sit and chill with her.

for now, it's a battle and a daily one at that.
i wont accept this behavior as normal or my permanent lifestyle.
i refuse to.

and from my nonsensical thoughts and erratic behavior patterns, ive pushed a lot of people away in the past few months.
i really hate that ive done that and i really hate that my apologies and my own self are like an expiration of breath, released and let go of.

i understand it is probably very taxing to be my friend right now.
i understand it is probably exhausting to deal with the waves my  "normalcy" comes in.
i dont like it either.
it's tiring and wearing.

but im making the same promise that i made to bubs...
this isnt forever and i refuse to accept this as the rest of my life.
i really do hate this.
in fact, right now i find my thoughts trailing to an anxious obsession of hatred for my current state.

im just simply trying to do and be too much and failing to realize that i am in fact human and do not have the means to do and be all.
i hope for your return and for the remaining to please stick with me through this.

it's like gardening... i hate that shit.
in fact, i killed a teeny tiny little "grass plant" we got from the dollar section at target. 
i suck at maintenance.

it's a lot of work though with an outside garden.. pulling weeds and all that shit.
i remember being a kid and my dad forcing us to weed his garden.
i used to loathe the sound of roots being pulled out of the ground.
lately, that is all my ears can hear.
the sound of things and people and habits and behaviors being uprooted.
i always felt a little sad when i heard that sound.
it sounds painful.
and now, i know how painful it really is.
and i don't know that im really that good at dealing with pain.
.... which explains my current overwhelmed and erratic state.

i know im buried under all of these weeds.
i know im here.
that sounds crazy but it's completley the only solid truth i have to instill any ounce of sanity into my chaotic life.
im here.
like in horton hears a who... i always tear up at the end when they are shouting "WE ARE HERE" and i never really understood til i watched it with bubs for the 500th time a few weeks ago. 

due to my mental state, i feel small and lost and forgotten and unheard.
i feel like the freak that hears voices or the freak people living on a speck.
but i am just shouting at the top of my lungs wanting the rest of the world around me to hear that i really am here.
i do exist.
it may not be loud and huge and pretty right now, but im here.
i just want you to know im here.
the sound and stable version is there.
the rational and calm version is there.
it just isnt very loud or visible right now but i want you to hear me.
dont throw me in the pot of boiling liquid to a quick end because you cant see it.

actually the times when i think im the most alone and misunderstood, there's just that one person, like the one that catches the clover with the speck and tells the rest that he hears it... he hears the voices shouting and signaling there IS in fact life. 
so im thankful for the one that believes in the horton that hears me.

just, please dont give up on me.
not yet.
i know where im going.
this current mental hiccup is just that... a hiccup.  a flat tire on the long drive ahead.

that is all.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

here's to some mom shit

i never wanted a kid.
i never wanted to be a mom.
i wanted to be on my own, exploring, and just doing my own thing.
i wanted to get a beat up car and take my guitar and a few clothes on the road and just see what happened and where id end up and get to play.

life had a different plan for me.
im actually beyond thankful i did end up with bubs because i wasnt doing anything remotely productive with my life and had sold my dreams for a dude that was not worth an ounce of my time in the long run.

but anyway, then there came bubs.
suddenly things just clicked.
i didnt have a set plan but i knew things had to change.
someone was depending on me to show them what is right and how to be a good person.
someone was depending on me for love and support and stability.
it was no longer about me and my feelings and frustrations and what i wanted to do.

and as she's grown, the things she has taught me are astounding.
that little girl taught me to laugh again.
she taught me to let go and have fun.
she taught me to pretend and to color and to paint and basically just to be free and silly... and myself!
the person i once was that i had sold out for a penis (literal and figurative) was coming back.
and how i had missed that person i was.

so maybe not so much a happy mom's day post but moreso, im actually thankful im a mom.  im so seriously super thankful for a bubs that saved and changed my life and has helped me grow. 

one day bubs, i hope this type of technology still exists and you can read this and know how amazing you are, how beautiful you are, and how much you have done for me.
you are my absolute best friend and i am so happy to have you as my adventure buddy. 
your laugh is infectious, your smile is charming, you are creative and alive, and you seriously give the worlds best hugs.

cheers to bubs!

Saturday, May 11, 2013

city submarine

i built this city in a submarine
and slowly
it's sinking, sinking
going under

the air is getting thick
and my lungs
are about to cave in
and i cant breathe

the pressure's too much
my oxygen is low
and im hallucinating
i write as if youll even show
a spectacle that's fading
faster than i know
what's even going on
as im falling faster into the dark below

im not sure where i am
in this deep sea
im holding onto
my last breath with everything

i cant say goodbye
i wont
im holding onto
the little bit of you that i have left

this pressure's too much
my oxygen is low
and im slipping away
as if you care to know
a spectacle that's fading
i've lost all hope
im falling faster, faster
into the dark that is my home

Sunday, May 5, 2013

oh dear universe

i should be asleep.
i need to be asleep to be quite honest.

but still my brain is racing at the same speed im sure my pulse was at after a very large cup of coffee from bob's java hut today.

i am so at a loss.
i am so confused at the twists and turns and insane little back roads life is taking me through lately.

people come and go in my life quicker than id like.  the revolving door keeps spinning and i stare at empty space.  it makes my heart sad to have to let people go when i would like them to stay and for things just to be as they were.

communication is always flawed and failed.
and im realizing today more than ever, that it has been and always is my own fault.

i say i hate lies.
i hate liars.
i hate lying.
it's stupid.
i say people should say what they feel.
i say people should be direct and upfront.
i say  people should be honest and open.
yet i am not.

i am the worst of all that i don't like or tolerate in others.
i am the best and biggest of the hypocrites.

had i been upfront about my own thoughts and feelings, im sure i could have spared many relationships from going down the toilet into quiet places where not even a hello is thought to be exchanged.
had i spoken up and not lied to myself and others, i could have spared a lot of unnecessary arguments and drama.

oh dear universe...
i love growth and change, but why does it have to be such a lonely place?
i miss people.
i miss laughs.
i miss their stories.
i miss hugs.
i miss the way theyd laugh at my klutzy, spastic self.

im sure our paths will cross again and hopefully in better ways than before, dear persons i miss so much.  know im sorry for the stumbling words that projectile vomited out of me without warning that were never intended to hurt.  i just don't think.  i so very much enjoy this life of letting the breeze carry me that i forget not everyone does.  i forget that just like how ive been, some need to understand and know all areas and aspects of every situation and interpersonal relations- they need to know beginnings and middles and ends.  now im just happy letting it be.  im elated with enjoying the present moment with all the smiles and hugs and inside jokes.  im ecstatic to know that i got to enjoy a few moments with this very special person however brief or long that it may have been.  im happy to know that i was a part of giving them happiness. 

so dear universe, please be kind to the people i miss.  please let them know i miss them if it's meant to happen.  remind them of how amazing they are.  and dear persons that i miss, if you are reading this, know im sorry again for how fumbly my words are and for how clumsily i go about trying to resolve situations. also know how in all honesty, i am thankful that i got to know you no matter how brief the time frame was.  dear persons, if youre in the same boat, i would be happy to know and would like to see you again soon.

the end.

just simply too fucked up too know

a slip of the tongue, a few choice words, and you run faster than when we raced down to the stop sign on foot.
i felt you withdrawing anyway.
it's  a talent i have.
3 weeks of gushing, 1 week of regret, and then.... they run.

im not sure why either or what i do.
i guess some words slip from my  mouth unbeknown to me and must be loud enough cos.... they always run.

so here i am back on the merry side of being alone.
back to what i know and the solace of this thick gray blanket.
back to staring at walls and ceilings finding patterns and shapes and spots to count to make the seconds turn into minutes at  a quicker pace.

i know i wont hear from you again.
i know you wont say any of your own choice words to me again that freaked me out just the same.  i ignored those though and actually allowed myself to know what you meant and am glad i did.  but you, you cant look past a blunder of nonsense, a sleepdriven haze of verbal explosion to see anything but the words i said.
and they werent even BAD.
maybe they weirded you out but i didnt even mean them like that.

but such is life and maybe you arent the sweetest and nicest of people like you lead everyone on to believe.
another night of lost sleep because youre ignoring me.

i told you my secrets and you started to back off.
you wont say that you were but i know its true.

maybe im just too fucked up to interact with human kind.
im just too fucked up and broken and horribly out of place to know.
i just wish you didnt have to be the one to let me know.