Tuesday, February 26, 2013

unpacking the granny panties

sometimes being brave isn't easy.
but sometimes you just have to take one step, put yourself out there, and see if the ground is solid or sinking.  and that isnt even to say that the ground will forever be solid or complete mush....

life is so scary when you can't just live in the moment.
i don't think i was ever conditioned to that pattern of thought.
i really wish i was and i am wanting to be.

the life of a single mom is busy with work and school and a home and a kid.  your actual self gets pushed to the backburner and suddenly you've forgotten you were on the stove at all and there's a crusty liquid burned onto the wall and a small fire.... you're a mess and very overdone.

so i took a step today.
i went to my very first therapy session.  i have only 2 nights off a week that are muay thai nights and i have given up on muay thai for a little while to kind of find a balance again... to not be forgotten about.

i felt lost for a while as she asked me the basic "getting to know you/why are you here" questions.  part of me didn't even know why i was there and then as i heard myself rambling, i really had no idea why i was there.  having to go back to memories from when i was 3, 8, 13, 15, and even 22 and 24 just seemed like parts of episodes from some really crappy tv show that got cancelled after 1 season.  i know the impacts they made were deep (obviously since i am the way i am today), but... i have no attachment to them.... recalling things .... it just seemed like everything kept blending.... that this one thing happened because of this other thing and then in turn i did this one thing and now i am this way. 

but the point is, i took that first scary step into the unknown.  i took that first step forward into the dark, eternal abyss and im not turning back to the familiarity i call "home."  it's no home at all really.  it's some hollowed out tree with raccoons that poop in my food.... or something like that.

i wish it were some quick fix, some easy answer that could set me straight.  i forget though, that we are all living this life, all with pasts and stories and all with our own quirks and insecurities.  not one person, no matter how put together they try to seem, really has a deep understanding or trust in their steps.

sometimes, you just have to put yourself out there.  maybe sometimes people will lie and say one thing when all the evidence is stacked on the other side.  maybe sometimes people will reject you to your face and not lie at all.  maybe, the severity of the emotions attached with each of these situations is more on how you perceive it than how it really is.

the moment.
the very place im supposed to be living.
i have my eyes so fixated on the "end result" that i trip and fall.
i dont see the sinkholes in the ground.  i dont see wildlife and nature in front of me.
i trip on tree roots and the raccoons that are quietly pooping in my food.

so yeah.
we're all a little afraid.
we're all a little unsure.
we're all a little insecure and nervous.
at times.
but these "moments" that people live in....
i want to live there too.
not this shitty place i call "home."

i took a step forward today into the dark, eternal abyss.
and i didnt sink.
the point is, i took a step forward.

the road in front of me i know is going to be long and tedious and frustrating, but very incredibly rewarding.
to get to that place of not worrying what will be, but just taking what is.... and liking it, appreciating  it no matter how short of a time frame it potentially exists.... i want to be there.... and soon enough ill get there.

it feels funny to have a stranger watch you unpack all of your baggage and not turn and scream at your period stained granny panties.  i mean really, she sat there listening to my life stories in my obscure and vague means of telling, and started telling me all these things she saw about me... things that other people have said to me.... genuine good things about who i am as a person.

the society we live in is so hung up on looks and possession and this quest to be at the top of the social ladder that we forget sometimes what is really important- the quality of a person.  i didn't have much of that kind of insight into my life growing up.  i got told all of the things i was not doing right and all of the things i was not.  the only people that ever spoke to me on a positive level were usually teachers.... and that never helped with me getting picked on.

for me to sit and really think good of myself feels vain and arrogant.... and when people tell me all of these good things they see in me, i get all watery-eyed cos i think of what i may have been or may even be if i could just believe it.

so that is scary step #2 i suppose.
like i said, the road in front of me is going to be long, tedious, frustrating, and probably full of more watery-eyed scenarios than i would care to have happen, but, it definitely is going to be incredibly rewarding.  maybe ill finally be the kelly haines im supposed to be.  maybe ill finally be able to make the mark im meant to leave.

so im learning to slow down, learning to live in this "moment" everyone's talking about, and above all learning the value that i really do have, and to appreciate and heck, maybe even LOVE myself... because it is not arrogant or vain at all...

i've shortchanged myself for so long and underestimated myself completely.... ive been so critical and such a perfectionist and a worrier.... ive missed out, cowered in fear, pushed people away, and definitely farted on some too.... but.... the best is yet to come, right?

that cliche bullshit might for once be true.  we'll see.....

Sunday, February 24, 2013

quieting the loud sounds

i woke up early again.  i dont have to be at work until later and i woke up at 830.  normally i'd be angry and grumpy that i couldnt sleep and was "wasting" free hours to catch up on some much needed rest, but... i got up anyway.
i opened the shade and saw the sun shining.  it gave my heart a little smile.

i am not one that can meditate or do yoga for long.  my recent laziness has made me stiff and icky and i can NEVER shut my brain up for very long, if at all.
today tho, my brain immediately shut down and i was in absolute silence, aware of self physically and spiritually.

i thought about how impatient i am.
i always want things to hurry up and be at some final, finished product. 
in this excessive race to the end, i am missing out on so much.

i began to think about a tree.
how small it starts...
and im sure that little sprout stares at all of the huge trees around it wishing it were of that stature and strength.  i bet the little sprout wishes it looked like them and was able to provide for the world around it.  but it cant.  it's a sprout.
it has to endure YEARS of growth.  it has to be fed.  it has to endure various storms of varying strength and temperature.  the elements...how brutal they can be.  but that little sprout has to be brave.  it has to find whatever strength it does have that maybe it doesnt know it has and stand amongst gusting winds and torrential downpours.  it has to brave the heat and cold.  when it starts to branch out and has leaves, it then has to endure loss.  YEARS of loss. 
and then, one day, there it is.... a tall, strong tree.  that tiny sprout made it from beginning to end, right?  NOPE.
it still endures loss as seasons change.  it has moments of beauty where its colors are astounding and remarkable.  kids still come by picking at it and breaking off bark and branches.  people threaten to cut it down.  and then the elements and storms.  the extreme heat and cold, the gusting winds, the downpour that sometimes doesnt stop for days on end. 

what im getting at is.... there is no end.  there really IS no finish line.  just when we think we've "made it" and are where we need to be, we are hit with the shocking reality that it's really only just begun.  we are stronger and wiser now, yes, but the tests and trials keep coming.  loss and letting go never stop.  there is always a need for confidence and bravery to face the wildly unpredictable elements.   there are days the sun wont shine.  there are weeks when it feels like the sky will never be another shade but gray.  there are nights when the wind is so fierce and so cold....regardless of your age and size and how long you've been around.... it doesnt stop.  we're never "THERE."  we'll never be at a finish line because it doesnt exist.

this life we are living was made for just that- living.  with living comes growth and change and grief and periods of facing fears and unpredictability.  until death, there will always be lessons to learn. 

the real beauty of this image to me, lies in the real underlying, unnoticed portion.  yes, life is about personal growth and that never stops, but also, we are made to give and be selfless.  think about all the things trees are for- food, shelter for animals, filtering the air for us to breathe, shade from the heat.... to name just a few.  i love the book the giving tree because of the beautiful lesson in the story- give until you think there's nothing left for you to give and still you are able to give more.  all of the journeys and struggles we go through or are going through.... it's not even just about our own personal story and quest through this crazy life.  it's about giving that back. 

this blog is very personal at times and i am very public about it all.  my last post about my struggle with CBED and getting help outside of myself was not easy to post.  im glad i did though.  a number of other females have told me how they are happy i shared because it helped them to realize they aren't alone and no, what they do and how they feel is NOT normal.  and no, that wasnt a sad attempt to pat myself on the back, it's just a case in point that we need to think outside of ourselves and "wah wah i have things im going through."  those struggles and trials are not really just for you.  they arent really even about you.  they're for someone else.  the pain of loss and the elation of growth are self benefiting, but when you have the opportunity to share that with someone else and give to them your hope and triumph and smiles, you dont always realize what you are doing to them.  maybe they needed some shade from the heat.  maybe they needed some branches to make shelter.  you never know how you've helped.

so for a few minutes, the loud sounds were quieted (except for the whining of my cat for attention).  for a few minutes my mind got to shut off and listen to what i needed to hear.  so thank you universe.  thank you for the life lesson that there is no end, no finish line, no "THERE."  it's a constant forward progression of growth and courage and change.  it is a constant test of endurance.  it is an endless cycle of pain and giving.  it is more about giving than self preservation and awareness.  it's more about helping than my own personal "end."  so thank you for the eye opener universe.  life is very much about more than me.

Friday, February 22, 2013

national eating disorder awareness month.... time to be honest friends....

i didnt think i had one.
i thought i was being a girl.
i thought i was just eating a lot and then feeling bad after cos i ate so much.
i called it "stress."
i thought i was supposed to compare myself to everyone and everything around me.
i thought all of this was normal.
apparently it's NORMAL for girls to obsess about their size and shape and be so preoccupied with every miniscule detail about how their clothes hug their body or how they look naked.
apparently it is NORMAL to be ritualistic about eating.
apparently, these compulsive behaviors, for my gender, are NORMAL.

guess what world.... no, they are not.
i long for the day when audrey can have snacks around the house (yeah im about healthy eating but who doesnt enjoy a treat every now and then?).  why cant she now you may ask?  because i will eat them.  all.  i even labeled something as "AUDREY'S POTTY REWARD COOKIES" and i ate them... all. 
and no, im not overweight by any means.  my doctor said im healthy.  i dont have any medical conditions from this but...
i have a compulsive disorder you may not even KNOW is an eating disorder.  BED is binge eating disorder and it is very real and very horrible.

and i dont like it controlling me any more.

it's the most awful cycle of compulsion, guilt, regret, paranoia, compulsion....

i scrutinize my body based on a number in my pants, a letter in my shirts, and how the male gender receives me- naked and clothed.  i assume girls want to be my friend now cos im the fat funny one.

i wont even go to muay thai anymore cos i started to look at pictures of the other girls that trained next to myself and i thought i looked too big.  while for some that may be motivation, for me, that made me want to hide.  big beefy kelly.  big mama.  i hate it.

i joined a gym by my house where no one knows me and i get a free hour with a trainer to get me going and get a routine for me to work on.  you want to know the first thought that went through my head?  "the person will judge me for how fat i am and how much my body jiggles when i move."
and then i ate cereal. 


me.  i do.
i make jokes about eating whole cakes and pizzas by myself (which i can dont get me wrong) but.... the reasons behind it, the amount before and after those things.... the amount of times that things like that get done on a weekly basis.... THOSE are things that are not a joke.

and it controls everything all the time always.
i would love Love LOVE to go one day without scrutinizing my body, measuring my size up to someone else, or feeling too disgusting to approach people to talk to them and make new friends.  i always assume people are staring at the same things i do... my sweet sweet imperfect body.  i assume people waste their time making fun of me.  i feel like if i were thinner and prettier that i wouldnt come across as bothering people by saying hi.  i assume that my being quirky and nice is so ill received because of the size and shape of my appearance.

that is what i knew as a kid and in early adolescence til anorexia became my bff.  she got me so many new friends.  guys paid attention to me too.  so, logically skinny = well liked.  right?  makes sense.....

this pattern of thinking is too much.  this stress to be perfect in every area of my life has to be nipped in the bud somewhere.  im starting here.  i want to be HEALTHY.  i want to be FREE. 

im not writing this to whine. 
im not writing this to get attention.
im not writing this for pity.
im writing this cos i never knew.  i never knew i wasnt alone.
i never knew this shit was real and an actual disorder.
i just thought i was a fatty.

i cant make any more jokes.
it's kind of taking over.
i dont recognize my face or like who i see.
i dont like judging myself and assuming others see the same.
i dont like pulling at every inch of my skin.
i dont like being sad i cant see my rib cage.
i dont like avoiding mirrors or only finding ones that are from the bust up.
i dont like buying clothes a size or two too big because i dont want to let anyone see my shape or any bodily flaws of "excess."

oh my god what i would give to know how the rest of the world sees me.
there was a girl in my class last quarter that said she would kill to have my body, yet i am repulsed at the very sight of myself.
i even despise showers because i just am weirded out being naked.
what a fucked up way to live and think and exist!!!

there are days where food has such an overbearing personality.
it's "bad" or "evil" or "in charge" of me.
i wont go on dates if a guy asks me to go get food.
i cant.
i'll eat in front of girls that like eating and those are the days i silence the evil voice that dictates what foods are "good" and what are "bad".... but still sometimes after i compare myself to them.  how much bigger i am or how much more i can eat....
some days though, im actually ok. 
but those days where food takes on a superhero role or a villainous role is ludicrous on both ends.
it has to stop.

so i just learned february is national eating disorder awareness month.
how uncanny.
how strange the month i am taking steps to take control of this unhealthy relationship, i learn that this is a month to make others aware. 
so hey internet world.... this binge eating disorder thing... not normal.  eating disorders go well beyond anorexia and bulimia.

the worst relationship one could ever be in is a relationship with an eating disorder.
you rely on them and need them yet hate and despise them.
you know theyre hurting you and are bad for you but you cant let go... it's familiar and comfortable, and in some cases, all you know.

and then that scares me.
i have a little girl.
she sees some of my wacky patterns and habits.
i dont want her to have this same "good food"/"bad food" issue i have.
i dont want her to worry about her size and draw her worth from that.
i dont even know why I DO.
i know it's foolish and wrong and stupid on so many levels.  yet i cant help it.

so tuesday im meeting with someone that hopefully can shed some light on this and offer a little bit of advice and help.
and hopefully soon dear reader, whoever in the great big world of internet webbings you may be, i will have my own blog post of triumph.  i will be able to win and have a great story to tell.... from beginning to end.
i want to slay the giant with the pebble and slingshot.
i want to cut the dragons head off.
i want to ride off into the sunset victorious.

and i can.
and i will.
and i cant wait to tell you when it happens.

until then, enjoy my very open tale of struggle.  i have a feeling i will be posting about it more often as the journey goes on.

i had a little moment

and please dont read this and assume im on a whole bunch of shit.
im not.
i just had a little moment.

bubs and i went out to play in the snow and clear off my car  (and ok i have a garage and have used it ONCE this whole winter season....why i do not know).  we played hide and seek and made snow angels.

as i was making my snow angel, i had a moment.
i had a moment where i was laying in the cold snow, staring at a blue and white sky, decorated slightly with some barren tree branches, watching tiny white flakes cascade and dance their way to the earth below.

suddenly i had a moment where i realized how big the world is.
how much bigger everything really is.
how much bigger than me, my "to do" lists, my issues, my worries, my plaguing thoughts, my fears, my insecurities....
the world is big and so beautiful.

im an over-achiever by nature.
i spend so much time trying to do so much and be so many things at once, that sometimes i forget to just stop, SHUT UP, and look around.

for over 10 years i was suicidal and like horribly depressed and miserable.
i would always have these interluding moments where something would snap me into reality and i would realize how lucky i was to be alive and be able to meet new people, experience new things, go through a lot and still remain standing, and SEEEEEEE so much.

today was another moment.
another beautiful moment i felt really lucky to be alive.
really lucky to be able to have all my senses.
really lucky to see and feel.
really lucky that i got to have a little moment.

moral of my story:
go outside, lay in the snow, and just appreciate life.
i know im up and down with feelings and thoughts and situations.
im probably the last person you would expect to read this kind of stuff from or maybe youre like "lady get off the pills."
im not on anything i swear.
but seriously, im guilty as fuck of being so "busy" i forget to stop and appreciate life- appreciate what i get to see and feel every day, appreciate the little things.....
so take a minute or an hour or the whole day.... open your eyes to what is around you and realize you are fucking lucky.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

cleaning off the cobwebs

quite literally actually.

i had no idea honestly that a 96 year old house with wood trim EVERYWHERE, including the ceilings, would collect that much dust and cobwebs.  but then again, i have absolutely no freakin clue when i cleaned those places last.  i mean yeah i clean the stuff i notice, but im a really short girl, soooo stuff up near the ceiling, i dont take notice of.

and holy shit i should have.  what on a weekly basis would take me like 10 minutes tops, took me almost an hour.  i got meticulous tho with my crazy OCD brain cleaning every little nook i could find, high and low.

why the fuck am i talking about cleaning my house?  cos suddenly it hit home.

this one little task i kept putting off...with some weekly upkeep would not be super overwhelming and time consuming and out of hand.  i kept ignoring it until it was really quite ridiculous.  just like a lot of issues in my own life.  things i think i have under control or that aren't a big deal have suddenly blinded me like staring at headlights at night.  they've become like a car, racing drunkenly down some abandoned road nearly about to hit the one stupid person wandering that area late at night.  before the fatal crash, all this person sees is a bright light.... these blinding headlights of an out of control car.

and easily .... easily... shit has just gotten out of control.  meh, it's a little TOO personal to start listing ALL of my issues (although, aside from describing my menstrual cycle, this whole blog is pretty damn personal), but a number of things i thought i had under control have cornered me and blinded me and finally, i decided to get some help for them.

and i am not the type of person to ask for help.  i am royally too stubborn.  i would rather look like a failing fool most of the time than let anyone extend a hand to help.  aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand ive gotten pretty good at failing and looking foolish.

the screaming voices of all the things i cant deal with on my own have brought about insomnia, crazy amounts of unnecessary stress, and a lack of motivation for the things i usually am all about.  i have no shame in admitting all of this.  everyone, and i mean, EVERY LAST PERSON ON THIS PLANET, has one or a hundred things they are dealing with.  im out of options and resources and hands to keep doing this myself.

my cryptic facebook nonsense last nite was just that.  i am going to let go of things to free up some time to get some help.  i wont be seeing people as much any more in order to focus on school and taking care of things at home and with my own self.

i have this horrible habit of putting everything off til later.  how many laters do you go through before what could have and should have been something quick and easy becomes a time consuming monster of a project?

so, day 1.  i am getting some help.  i cleaned some cobwebs.  i crossed one thing off my  4 page " to do" list.  id say today has been productive.

revolving door

my life, like anyone's, has been a consistent revolving door of hello's and goodbye's.... embraceable and bittersweet.

years ago, when i first moved out here, my focus was music.  i wrote horribly sad songs of heartache and all my insecurities and confusion.  i played for semi-empty coffee houses and played at the fine line even on monday nights once a month.... and then i met J.  and there were some issues there to where i gave up on something i loved.  i said goodbye to it and hello to jiu jitsu.

now seriously, dont get me wrong.... i love my family at AMA and all the people i trained with that helped me get better and grow.  i LOVE my Papa Junior for teaching me about life and respect and self respect.  i can not even put to words the lessons that man has taught me and how much i love that i can call him family.  i dont have blood family out here so to have my gym family, that is probably WHY i gave up on something i loved so much.  i can't complain as i said cos i won a national title in bjj and a state title in judo.  that's some serious business.

then injury and pregnancy led me to like a near 4 year hiatus.  i met muay thai and fell in a love affair with it as well.  i found my jiu jitsu gi and the blue belt id earned and decided this year i was going to make music, train, go to school, hang out with audrey, etc etc etc.....

i cant.  i cant do it.  i am slightly running myself ragged with all of the ambitious goals i'd set for myself.  granted, yes, it's only february, but... something's gotta give.

with what little free time i do have, and since i dont really have babysitter access, i think muay thai is going to have to take an even farther back seat in my life for music.  i already set it down once and now it looks like the wheels may be in motion to get going in that area of my life again and... i dont want to set it down again.  it's probably the only time during the day i feel happiest and alive and completely at peace with the screaming voices in and around my head- when i am listening to a really amazing song and singing along in my car at the top of my lungs dancing like a complete fool, or sitting and writing my own attempt at a great song.

i cant keep trying to invest my energy in 1000 places at once.  i cant do it.  so im sorry to my fam at the gym.  im sorry to the gloves and shin pads i invested money in, but for now, YOU have to take the back seat.  it's not forever as i've noticed the revolving door pattern, and yes, this is a bittersweet break, but... i miss that feeling of being alive.  i miss that feeling of my heart smiling.  i miss that gut feeling of knowing i am right where i belong.

i love how everything in my life has brought some amazing challenges.  i love how they come and go.  music has challenged me to work through some incredible insecurities and issues and heartaches.  judo and jiu jitsu challenged me to think outside the scope of what i thought i could do.  i mean shit, i am NOT athletic by any means, and i won medals.  i beat a junior olympian for judo.  i could have gone on to be really great at the rate i was going but then i got hurt and then audrey came along.  and that was a completely different challenge.... being a mom and then being a SINGLE mom.  holy shit that is challenging but im learning about patience and responsibility for someone else's growth and outlook, and LOVE ... REAL MOTHER FUCKING LOVE.  school has challenged me hardcore not just academically but personally believing that i am smart and able to do this.  there is a lot more to me than i have begun to tap into or even realize... and muay thai, this was kind of like another reminder to stick up for myself because no one else will if i dont.  muay thai has challenged me hard in believing in myself and trusting what i know as well.  i doubt myself and have like ZERO confidence and it has taught me that in order to be good and win, i have to have confidence in what ive learned.

what an amazing overall life lesson- you need to have confidence in what you've learned to win.

so with all of the crazy opportunities and adventures ive had so far.... it's nice to step back and see where theyve brought me so far.  and... i think it's time to challenge myself again.... to have confidence in what i've learned and what i continue to learn.  to stand up for what i like because if i dont, no one else will.... and if i wait any longer, i may be too lazy to ever really.

so, im not sure WHEN, but muay thai and my gym fam will be seeing my face even less than my clumsy ass has allowed me to be there.... but i feel like it's for something great... for something my life needs... a stab of adrenaline to the heart to shock me back to a state of existence.  and i cant wait to see what i have to learn this time.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

id like to stab cupid with an arrow

i hate valentines day.  sure when youre a kid in grade school it's cute.... you make little "mailboxes" and give each other like barbie or superhero cardboard valentines that come with a cool sucker or those shitty candy hearts that taste like chalk.

when you grow up its so much about a boyfriend/girlfriend scenario.  it's about what they got you and what you got them.  it's this forced focus on having to be with someone.

and its stupid.  i can be straight and say that since i was a kid, i havent had anyone do anything for me.  like honestly there was never that one moment on this ridiculous holiday where i was like "damn i feel important."

the onslaught of moronic male figures that have come in and out of my life faster than people in the white castle bathroom post-eating is just insane.  i mean, up until my ex, it was sad how little i mattered and how much i put up with it as normal.  then i got a self esteem.  then i wanted to know i mattered.  then i spoke up.


yeah i am absolutely the worst at conveying how i feel.  i can write papers for days and have them make absolute perfect sense.  trying to tell someone how i feel and how their actions cause me to react and feel.... nope.

yeah i have issues.  who doesnt?  it takes a real person to accept someone for who they are, issues and all.  again, who DOESNT have some sort of shithole story about someone that really fucked them over and ruined them.  sadly.... haha with the way my life goes, i have about 7 or so stories that could make your jaw drop.

so lets just say im broken.   im a broken record really.  same stupid trusting me.  same cheating asshole.  same selfishness.  same ignorance.  same scenario where i matter zero.

and i cant take that.  not anymore.  something inside me snapped.  i have to stand up for myself because no one else will.  what makes ME any less of a person?  what makes my feelings any less valid?

no, you dont have to AGREE with how i feel but just HEAR ME.  try to step inside my chaotic and DEMANDING life to just understand.

and no one ever does.  the way i say how i feel and the fact that i AM saying how i feel... it comes across bitchy, demanding, abrasive, offensive, pushy.... you name the negative adjective it probably has been spoken of me.

my normal pattern is to go into hiding.  excommunicate myself from mutual acquaintances in some awkward fashion.... i lost so many people that way.

im tired of feeling so alone.  im tired of feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and my back is about to break.  im tired of feeling like i have to be ON and PERFECT and AT MY BEST ALLLLLL THE TIME.  im tired of feeling like i have to be EVERYTHING for EVERYONE at ALL TIMES!  it's not possible.  i need rest.  i need a break.  im going to snap.

i always have to compromise and deal with things... thats just the way they are.  NO MORE.  since i was a kid ive been fiesty... i want reason and sense.  i am explosive and passionate and, well, kind of a god damn hippie.  maybe thats why i make a good mom.  i just want everyone to be happy, have fun, be fair and kind and accept people for who they are but be OPEN to seeing other peoples' viewpoints and be willing to change when necessary.  no not change YOU because that's just silly, but i dont think sometimes we realize how our actions and behaviors can be seen or felt by others because in our mind, we see it a totally different way.

oh the power of human perspective.

anyway, back to the point of hating gushy shit....
because of how words have been so misused and how ive even BEEN used, it's hard.  it's hard to decipher the genuine from the fake.  it's hard to know when is ok to trust.  it's hard to know when its ok to be honest and to feel things that may not be accepted.  it's hard to know how to say what you want to say without coming across like a moron.  and then all of the above ball up into the perfect shit storm which is every relationship ive ever been.  i either pick horrible people or its just me.  id like to think a little of both.

and my timing is off like WHOA.  i never listen when my gut says slow down.  i never listen when my head reminds my heart (or the other way around) of recent events.

somehow tho i am the fuck up.  somehow tho i am always at fault.   i assume that people are only saying certain things to me and mean them.  i assume that i can share my feelings and fears and thoughts without being judged.  i always run too fast with the fastest of runners and cant keep up the pace.  i say the wrong thing at the wrong time.  i ask for clarification.  i have issues from my past that rear their ugly faces at the worst times scaring me back to my iron fort.

maybe i should make it my residence.

im tired of being put on full public blast for expressing how i felt.  everyone is entitled to feel regardless of agreement or not.  sometimes, especially as a female, you just want to know that youre being heard and understood.

god damn the female brain.

so back to my own two feet.  time to tie the shoes again cos i keep trippin over the laces.

happy hallmark bullshit day.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

probably gonna be a sad/dark one

i cant for the life of me sleep.  since last thursday i cant sleep for shit.
i am physically, and oh so emotionally drained.
im emotional.  the stupidest things make me cry.
and i say things.  i read more into things than probably exist.
im overwhelmed.

it's fair enough to just say i am completely exhausted.

in trying to stay busy to have the male gender leave me be so i dont get hurt any more, i forgot to leave time for ME- to actually hang out with ME and appreciate myself.

i havent felt this dead in ages.
i would welcome any sort of physical contact to let me know i still exist and im still here.
shit i would welcome stubbing my toe at this point to just feel SOMETHING.

and no, im not "depressed" or whatever... im just... burned out.
in trying so hard to flee pain, i guess i ended up fleeing life.

life is a constant wave of pain and smiles.
you cant just take the good.  you cant just take the bad.
otherwise youre one long flat line on the screen and all that signals is that your heart stopped beating and youre no longer alive...

and maybe thats why i feel barely here.

i did this to myself.
i isolated myself.
i question everything everyone says or does.
all to avoid being hurt.
all to avoid what may or may not happen.
i just assume it will and want to beat life to the punch and end up beating up someone else with pretty genuine intentions.

i wish i could just knock it off.  and it doesnt help having an over-analytical girl brain either.

more than anything i just want family and regardless of whether its blood family or the family i have at the gym or new people i meet that have their own set established ways of existing, i always end up doing something wrong or being myself to bring me back to this place of isolation.

so yeah, i would welcome anything to help me feel human again.
right now i feel like a zombie- not quite fully dead, not quite fully alive.

and you may wonder why the fuck in the great spaghetti monster's name im posting this shit.... i cant say i really know.  but if you got down to this point, you read it.... for whatever reason you read it to the end.

now we both have questions.

Friday, February 8, 2013

my dear sweet friend

today a resident of mine was very sad.  she cried all night.  she cried most of the day.  it was brought to our attention that a resident that had passed away last year had had his funeral that exact same day one year ago.

last saturday i was curious as to why i was having strange occurrences that were mildly paranormal and while cleaning my house i threw out a calendar that noted the day he had passed away exactly one year ago.

so im taking a minute to stop and remember him.

before he had gotten really sick he was a very funny man.  he was a joker and yet he could be so temperamental, but all of it....it was so... him.  he loved to sing and dance and laugh.  he loved God and going to church.  he had the most amazing smile and then, when you pushed the right buttons, he made the maddest face, but even then it was so endearing.  he was a resident that could not speak many words at all.  but oh boy did he let you know how he was feeling - happy or sad.  he loved johnny cash.  i remember helping him in the mornings singing johnny cash songs with him and having him smile and sing along.  i remember dancing and clapping with him.  i remember helping him get ready in the morning and how he'd sit in his favorite recliner with a blanket over his lap, watching the sun come up with some jazz or old country music on.... and he looked so... content.

then he got sick.  it was so sad to watch him deteriorate to the point of being on hospice.  his final days were heartbreaking but he pushed through to spend one last christmas with his family.  i got to help him open his presents that night and although he wasn't in super smiley mode, you could tell he was glad to be there amongst family.

the night he died i was a few minutes too late to say my goodbye, but sitting beside his bed, staring at his lifeless, cold body.... i felt like he knew and it was enough.

it was nice to reflect on what he taught me then and it is nice to revisit it now.....

he taught me to love life.  he taught me to appreciate the little things and enjoy them.  oh my goodness to enjoy them.  while he was on hospice he pretty much got to eat whatever he wanted and it was so sweet to see him enjoy cheesecake and ice cream even though he couldnt stomach much.  he taught me to dance like no one was watching regardless IF anyone was watching.  he taught me to laugh and not to sweat the small things.  he taught me to enjoy the early morning quiet.  he taught me to appreciate the family around me, blood related or not.  he taught me to LOVE music and to SING all the time.  i could go on and on about all the things that man taught me in such a short time.

i remember saying good bye to him after every overnight shift never being sure when i would see him next.... and never really getting a chance to say goodbye before he slipped away.  i still stare at the room he passed away in and miss him.  he was so loved and so cared for and so appreciated by so many people.

so dear friend, dear sweet sweet friend... we miss you.  i still miss you and shed happy tears as i type this little note.  maybe i never said it enough to you while you were here, but you really taught me so much and left a huge impact on my life.  i learned a lot of johnny cash songs and taught my little bubs how to sing them too.  you'd be proud.  i hope wherever your sweet spirit is, that you are dancing and laughing and singing.  i hope you are eating all the ice cream and cheesecake you want and having a blast.  you're missed.  more than maybe you ever thought you would be.  

Monday, February 4, 2013

a bit of a breather

i feel like im getting my second wind.

maybe it's the grueling schedule i have or the gray, dismal, mid-winter season this state is in, but i have been draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagging lately.  i have had zero drive, zero ambition, and zero motivation to get things done.  for a kid like me with OCD, it has been really hard watching my house get "messy," finding piles of laundry that need to be washed and put away, finding no food in the house cos i forgot to get some, and seeing my grades slipping.

maybe it was the thought of the finish line that got me going today.  many finish lines.  spring is coming and i can take bubs to the park, go running outside, go for walks, breathe FRESH AIR without my lungs freezing and spasming.  the smells of spring are coming too.  my tax return is coming which means a bit of a breather from the stress of trying to manage a house and school and part time work and an almost 3 year old on my own.  i graduate in september and for most of you that is completely bizarre for me to think im almost done, but realistically this quarter ends in march, next quarter is my review classes, and then i do an externship over the summer.  then im done.  i graduate and prep for a board exam and a licensing exam.  then im DONE.  realistically it is so close.  music is also coming together too because a friend and i are already bouncing ideas off each other and finding our tastes click and that gets me excited and motivated.

i was laying on my floor taking a minute to myself to stretch.  i never understood meditation.  this conscious attempt to get your brain to shut down and focus on "nothing".... but somehow... it just happened all on its own.  i laid on the floor for like 10 minutes in complete space.... and i felt alive again. 

i am the OCD mom that tries to take on EVERYTHING and do EVERYTHING and be EVERYTHING ..... always everyone else first.  for 10 minutes, i got a bit of a glimpse in my head.  i got a moment to appreciate quiet and life and the fact that this whole 29 year journey ive been on so far has been HORRIBLY rough since day 1... but im here.  im here and things have only gotten better.  ive had to make some sacrifices and choices to get here but... im here.

i am still here.  still breathing.  and for 10 minutes i focused on every muscle in my body and got a 10 minute appreciation of myself as a spiritual being.  im not made to be invincible.  im made to fight.  im made to share this journey with people i meet and have others share theirs with me. 

we all have stories.  we all have struggles.  each day, every person has their own battles and "to do" lists that plague them and weigh on their minds.

i will stick by this theory til death that we are all a little lost, all a little scared, all a little hurt and confused and unsure.... but some are just better at faking it than others.  im not as alone as i think i am. 

REALITY CHECK: no one expects me to do it all and be perfect.  things can wait.  life was meant to be lived and enjoyed.  even if for just 10 minutes, i got to appreciate something so simple - breathing, stretching, feeling, and understanding my physical self as a whole. 

it's 9pm and im in bed.  why?  why gramma why??? 
today's the day i got my second wind.  why am i in bed already?

today is also the day im going to start taking care of myself.  i have such big things this year that are going to happen.  HUGE HUGE things i never dreamed i could ever accomplish.  im not going to run myself ragged 2 months in and possibly fuck it all up.

this is my year.  this is my second wind.  the finish line may still be 10 miles away, but today is the first day, all year, that i finally feel like i can make it to the end.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

the ramblings of a tired brain (not really sure what's goin on here but read away....)

it's hit that point in my weekend, in my overnight, where i am so tired.... where nothing makes sense and my brain starts to space out and carry off to places it doesn't dare venture in the waking realm.

and so i thought i would write and see what comes out.  maybe my brain is so constipated from me trying to be "normal" that this is the only time it can come alive and be its true self.

it's funny the more tired you get, the more you can feel everything.  i can feel every ache in every muscle.... i can feel the sting in my tired and dry eyes.... i can feel how hard and heavy it is to breathe....everything smells funny too..... words look weird and i cant spell.... dyslexia is predominate at this point in time and if not for spell check you would be seeing all of these blunders right now.

everything at this point in time feels absolutely meaningless.
like i just dont get the stress.
things will come and go as they please and do as they may.
having plans.... time frames and schedules.... ideas even.... they all just seem so foolish and stupid.  sure we should all have goals and wants.... but some things.... the things i find myself day in and day out worrying over and hemming and hawing over... meh.  not really worth it.
i hate that it takes me being THIS tired for life to make sense.

life should be just a pursuit of happiness.
for example... i dont get chicks with eating disorders.  i mean shit yeah i used to be one but like.... throwing up for nearly 5 days straight and losing 10 pounds in a short number of days had me thinking.... why was i stressing to be this "magic number" on a scale?  i didnt feel any different or act any different.... i was still loud and weird.  i just looked bonier.  and i started wondering who decided that bony was pretty.... because i know lots of bony girls that are just bitches.  yeah there is no nice word for it, they are just bitches.  food is really fucking good and yet to be this magic number, to hit this magic weight and size.... you deprive yourself of socializing and enjoyment.  not to say hey lets all be fat asses but you know what i mean.

where is this balance?  where is this balance where life is just about being happy and enjoying yourself?  why?  why do i have to spend my waking hours hustling and bustling for a dollar to not even ENJOY that dollar?  all my money goes to EVERYTHING but fun.  it makes no sense to me.  again, not to say im going to be an irresponsible fuck, but.... why can't there be wiggle room for fun and pleasure?

and why does everything have to be labeled and defined and set out?  why are there restrictions and rules to interpersonal relationships?  WHY CANT WE JUST WANT WHAT WE WANT .... and have it?  not to say lets all be whores and spread std's like it's the newest craze, but....

maybe i just dont understand change.... like the way people change.... all of a sudden there's this label and they have to dress different, lose their hobbies and ditch their friends.... they have to SETTLE.

maybe that's the big thing.... i DO NOT like settling.  it's so ugly.  it just cascades to the bottom and sits in this horrible little dusty looking lump.  and then you have to shake it and stir it and swirl it around to get it out of the way and incorporated back into what it was meant to be a part of.  i dont want bits and fragments of myself floating around.

maybe id like to be like jello.  (ps if you know me at all i hate that shit and it fucking scares the life out of me.)  but maybe id like to be this mass of solidity.  i move a little if you poke me but im firm.  i hold my shape.  (ok new analogy cos im literally dry heaving at the thought of jello.)

conclusion is that i need to live on a hippie commune somewhere or something... or live in amongst artists and musicians.  maybe the fact that all of these emotions are stirring is a good thing.... because ive recently started surrounding myself with people like that.... and i feel like all my sediments are being stirred and moved and reincorporated back into ME.

i lost myself with J..... for 4 years i just abandoned myself.  to this day i dont even know why or what for, but i was 24 and very lonely and stupid i guess.  it didnt even happen at once, but it was bit by bit, compromise by compromise (of myself cos he never compromised a damn thing).  and maybe i wouldnt have been ready then for what is to come.  maybe now is where i need to be.  but this shaking and stirring has me all sorts of uncomfortable because.... for so long i was a pile of shit  and now... this shaking  it has me undone, bits of me floating around, suspended in some form of liquid space.....

now i get to see what i was really meant to be.... a delicious beverage perhaps?  time will tell.

OH TIME damn you.  you always sneak up into the conversation.  you are my greatest nemesis and BFF all at once.  one day i will appreciate you im sure but for now... for now im suspicious.  im waiting with my eyes darting back and forth like a paranoid bunny.... im watching you, time.

and there it is.  some rambles.  im feeling the need for squats and push ups now to stay even further awake.  im listening to dead silence because my music stopped.  even it has a sound.