Sunday, December 30, 2012

a break from the monotone beat

im not sure what the fuck i've been listening to all night.  this monotonous beat is numbing and i find my body moving at a snail's pace but my mind moving at light speed.

for once, oh for once, it is going to amazingly hopeful and positive places.
(nice break from the dismal reads, eh?)

i walked past my resident's door and im not sure if it was her idea or not, but a note i wrote her for christmas is on her door.... a reminder for her to be aware of what she speaks and to remember to be positive and that she is capable of far more than she knows.  that melted my heart.  and then i checked my little box and found all these positive little notes of encouragement that were left for me by my coworkers and residents.

 words have so much power.  i don't think we really take the time to realize it because we drone on day after day- routines, bullshit smiles and facades, mustering up the energy just to make it to the end when we can collapse into a safety net of cushion or booze.
i don't think many are actually very happy with who they are or what they do.
it's about the rat race, the money, the things and stuff and stuff and things.  it's about knowing and being known.

rarely is any time spent thinking about how we can make someone ELSE's day and that totally shouldn't be the case.  i like spreading smiles and kindness like stds.  (gross analogy but whatever.)

but anyway im just feeling so hopeful.
in just a few days it will be a new year, a clean slate, a fresh start.
a break from the old and in with so many new things.

music is becoming a major priority in my life again.  i feel at home with 6 strings beneath my fingers and sounds coming from the bowels of the past miseries and lessons learned.  im going to shows and making time to hear LOCAL stuff (i heart you mpls).
muay thai gets to happen TWICE a week for me (at least til march) which is amazingly motivating so i can not only get my ass in gear, but also get BETTER at something i really like.
im nearing the end of school!  limited scope license exam for xray  and board exam for certification in medical assisting coming up sooooon.  i graduate in september (3 months later than initially planned cos of a scheduling snafooooo but... the end is in sight!!!)!!!
i hope to move before my externship in july.  i really don't know that i can study with all the homeowner crap going on.
im ready to meet new people and try new things.
im getting rid of some pretty unhealthy habits to better my body as a whole along with training more.
i want to go places and fly kites and create more memories with audrey and maybe find a special friend to make memories with.  but if the latter doesnt happen, i honestly don't give a shit.  i like where my life is right now and where it's going and .... i'll get where i need to be eventually.

i love the journey im on.  i was thinking tonite about some awful mistakes ive made this year (sadly, most were in the form of trusting the opposite gender) but without those mistakes i wouldn't be where i am right now.  i wouldnt have the tenacity and fire and drive that i do.  im determined and set.  im not letting any more people derail me.  no more flaky bullshit fogging my view.  i know where i want to be and nothing is going to stop me from getting there.

for the first time in my life i feel like im right where i need to be... im in the right place at the right time.... and i can't wait to see how this story unfolds.


Saturday, December 29, 2012

oh my bubs...

it is so fun on overnight shifts when i have nothing better to do in an attempt to stay awake than to go thru pics from birth til now of my little lady bubs.

i think back to how many fun times we had together, how many adventures we've been on, how many scary moments we've had, how many smiles and laughs have been shared, and how many times she's fallen asleep in my arms to the sound of me singing to her.

her expressions are PRICELESS and i see so much of myself in her.  i see my faces and expressions and can almost remember what was going on when i snapped the pic (although there are like 10000000000000000000000 pics of my kid on facebook so, i dont remember EVERYthing, just most things).  i like thinking of what makes her smile and what gets her excited and has her just come ALIVE.

i didn't want to be a parent.  she was unexpected.
i don't know what the HELL i would do without her tho.
she has taught me what love really is, what patience is about, and for fucks sake, HOW TO LIVE.

the most freeing moments of my own personal life journey have happened as a result of playing with her.
have you ever rolled down a hill of leaves and just laughed your ass off?
when was the last time you laid on your back in the quiet morning snowfall watching each flake cascade to the ground through the branches of the overhead tree?
how many times have you played pirates on an inflatable pool raft in the living room wearing pirate hats and swinging bubble swords, shooting sharks with a nerf gun, all while speaking in pirate-ese?
do admit the last time you made a marching band and played instruments marching around the house yelling at the top of your lungs.....

it's the little things, those moments that many are too ashamed to have or too busy to have, that i appreciate the most with her and i hope one day she remembers best.

i LOVE my bubs.  LOVE LOVE LOVE that sweet little lady.

sometimes she says the cutest things...
"mommy i like you"
"i like going on adventures with you mommy.  youre fun."
"you funny mama"
"you look so cute"
"im your doctor.  i check your heart"

she loves me.  she loves me.  she loves me.
and that is all the love in the world i couldnt even ask for.
she is the greatest surprise and the most amazing gift i have ever received.
i love that i get to share her with others but i love most of all that she's mine, all mine.

Friday, December 28, 2012

i didn't need this..... or maybe i did?

im slowly realizing at the closing of 2012 that it has probably been one of the worst years i have experienced in a long time.
not to say it didn't have its highs, but it definitely had its larger share of lows.
 
i let far too many people fool me and deceive me and definitely put myself a bit too far on the back burner.... again.

i don't need people to say things they don't mean to see how far they can take me or what they can get from me.
i don't need people using me for sex or an emotional crutch/boost to their ego.
i don't need people keeping me around for convenience.
i don't need people forgetting im a person with feelings too.

yes that has been a resounding theme throughout most of my posts recently.
friend or more than friend i just want someone to be conscious of what they say to me, how they act around me, and just... well, just fucking BE NICE.  BE REAL.

i used to wonder what i was doing wrong.  i used to think maybe i was too much, overwhelming, too nice, too friendly, or hyper puppy status.
but that's me.
i love to love people.
i love to give and smile and make others feel like they are the most important person in the world, even if it's just for a few minutes of our time together.

and that is NO crime at all.

so, 2013 is going to start with a bang.
this little lady is pretty much done giving a fuck.
im done holding out hands that are being used as ashtrays or as a whipping post.
im done taking the fall so others can get up and run.

not to say im done being kind and nice and myself around others.
im just done investing in people that absolutely do not deserve it.

so if you find that i am being more standoffish toward you in the next few days/weeks/months, maybe instead of thinking IM being a bitch or being mean and pms-ing, you should probably analyze your own actions and behavior.

the world would be a much better place if everyone was giving and loving toward one another- familiar faces and strangers alike.  the world would be a much better place if everyone was selfless and kind.  why does it have to take some apocalyptic disaster or worldwide tragedy for us to realize these things?

maybe dear reader, whoever you may or may not be, this is your wake-up call for a new year.  stop being a jackass and be nice.  stop only being thoughtful and kind to those in your inner circle and broaden your horizons to embrace people of different social statuses and groups.  think of the people you're NOT getting to know because youre cold and close minded.  life is not high school, or at least it shouldn't be.  somehow it feels the same though.... being judged on who i know and what they wear and what they do.  fuck that noise.

2013 is a new year.
im vowing it to be drama FREE.
im vowing it to be full of new experiences and new faces.
im putting my foot down to all dipshits and self-righteous buttfucks.
im vowing it to be a year i love so relentlessly and hopefully, and with that love, change a few people for the better.

maybe if a few more people jumped on that bandwagon, the world may be a nicer place to live in.

sorry for being so preachy and potty mouthed.
im just really tired of tacky people.
i mean shit, im gonna be 30.... i thought by NOW people would learn that someone is more than what they wear or who they hang out with or where they hang out.... sadly.... high school has seeped its nonsense into adulthood and im vowing to put my foot down to that as well.

cheers to a new year, new experiences, new people, and a very very very very very NEW life.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

my heart on the string of my sleeve

im a hopeless romantic.
a believer in the bullshit.
a holder of hope for the redeeming twist of fate.

i put up a front that im disgusted by "love" and all it's gushiness.
reality is, i love music and movies from my grandparents' era simply because deep down i love that classic, romantic swagger about it all.
i love the story my grandma told me of how her and my grandpa got together.
how patient he was and how he pursued her even though she was kinda keeping her options open.  (go grams!)

the modern day kelly is a hard exterior with a completely gushy center.
i have to be hard tho.
or at least i think i do.
i have to be strong and tough and put together and on my own.
i have to show A that she can do anything she wants.
i have to prove to myself that i can do it on my own and that i don't need anyone.
that last sentence.... i dont know why.

i think the reality is im not sure i can remember the last time someone was genuinely nice to me.
i cant remember the last time i was paid a genuine compliment without there being some ulterior motive.
i cant.
(by the way these statements apply to the male gender only and not my "bro's.")

maybe im too nice.
maybe im too trusting and too giving and ...
too stupid?
too gullible?

i like to believe there is amazing amounts of good in everyone and repeatedly am bludgeoned over the head with the reality that people are inherently selfish and self serving.
the society we live in is a "gimme now" and "nower" kind of society.
we have everything at our fingertips and are no longer prompted to give and be kind.
we are prompted to get get get and crave more more more and be forever unsatisfied.

i feel like im living in a fantasy... a disney movie of sorts.
i appreciate the little shit.... a picked flower, a sticky note with a few kind words on the bathroom mirror, someone else making dinner and/or cleaning up, random moments of complete sweetness.
i spend my days making sure everyone else is happy and taken care of and feels loved.
i just assume that is all everyone wants - to feel loved and accepted and taken care of....
so why not just do it regardless of reciprocation?

there comes a point though where you spend and spend and give and give and are running kind of low and dry.
you become cracked and a bitter, jaded, cynical little miss.

im at war with my innerds.
i would love to one day have someone there as my partner in crime, my adventure buddy to have dance parties with and listen to records....
i would love one day to have the goofy life that i picture in my head.
the realist in me says to my head and my heart "shut up fool, it's not real."
so im kind of torn.

i want to believe someone can be genuinely nice to me and not for some ass or what little money i do have or to better their own self esteem, but sincerely just because they value me as a human.

maybe one day?

and then i get angry cos i know some pretty terrible females and they are the center of the male world and always liked and admired and i....
im the filler, the in between, the one until better comes along.
and that gets really annoying.
mostly because i realize it a little too late.
red flags and warnings and sirens are going off the entire time and i am completely oblivious because someone is seemingly kind to me.
then when i snap back into  reality and see red flashing lights everywhere, i'm usually burned and it's a little too late.
i have to say i have gotten a little better at putting my foot down and doing the dumpING instead of being the dumpEE though.

it's easy to UNanger at the girls that are always in demand and are always admired.
three simple words making an amazingly empowering sentence that i remember on birthdays and holidays and random days when im alone with my cat and A is asleep.

I HAVE STANDARDS.

i refuse to be used for ass.
i refuse to be walked all over.
i refuse to be forgotten.
i refuse to put up with alcoholism and denial.
i refuse to put up with childish behaviors.
i refuse to put up with someone who has no goals or ambitions or drive.

i know what i want.
and if that means my fairytale reality is going to be put on a complete hold for the rest of my life and all i will be is a being that gives and loves until they are spent completely, then so be it i guess.
i would rather love others than have some bullshit figment of  "love" in return.
i had that.
i don't want it again.

i want something real and genuine and simple.
SIMPLE is key.

im a simple girl with simple pleasures.
im a nerd to the core.
i have the whitest white kid dance moves but will shamelessly flaunt them just because i can.
i would rather smile and laugh than be serious and "adult."
i like to find entertainment in the most mundane situations.
i love making people feel special and happy and important.

so one day....
one day the old school era of men opening doors and doing the pursuing.... the old school era of dancing withOUT grinding all over someone's junk.... the old school era of being simple and honest....
i'll wait for that please.

til then............ hugs for everyone.
i have plenty of amazing people in my life that love me for who i am and appreciate and value all of my quirks and oddities.
for those i am thankful and truly blessed beyond belief.
i have more support than i will ever understand and am not as alone as i would like to sometimes believe.

so i think im ok to have standards and wait.
i've never been much for settling anyway.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

plain

why does that word have to be a connotation for something bland and boring?  plain is a base.  plain is a canvas.  plain is a start.

for some reason i think of myself as plain.
i see myself as unimpressive, not fancy, nothing great or special or extraordinary.

now dear reader, don't think i'm depressed or anything.
im not sitting here with chocolate and booze and a chick flick (although that does sound quite amazing right now).

i just mean that... i don't fit a mold, a design or a model.  i dont fit any social group i have tried to be a part of.  i don't fit anywhere.
not to say i cant or wont, i just dont.

im the plain chip.  im the plain bagel.  im the plain m&m.  (i swear to god i have had food on the brain today so sorry for all the food references.)

the wonderful thing about plain is that it goes with everything. 
(back to food again....)
take a chip.... some things do NOT go with bbq chips or cheddar sour cream and onion chips (drooling right now).  they already have a flavor and an audience to where they belong.

i dont fit in anywhere.
and i like it that way.
maybe because i have the opportunity to fit in anywhere.

im not popular or sought after.
i am not the talk on everyone's lips.
it is rare if i get a text or an email.
i cant remember the last time i got a phone call i didnt somehow instigate.

i dont have a niche or a group or a following or a place that i belong and can call home.
and sadly, i have to say that i kind of like it that way.
i like to be a societal nomad.
i like not knowing where i belong because i dont really want to belong to anyone or anything or anywhere.  i want to belong to everyone and everywhere.

so consider me a plain canvas.
consider the whole world to be a set of paint.
i love the fact that each person that comes into my life is a different color and texture and shape. 

so you see.... plain doesn't need to be seen as dull, boring, or uninspiring.
plain can just be...
a beginning.
a start of something.
an openness to everything.

and my little hippie brain is ok with that.

"we're all lost...." he says

and so i reply "well then some must fake it better than others."

yes, i feel horribly lost.
i am mediocre at best at so MANY things when i want to be great and remembered for ONE thing.
i have all these tiny moments that, ok sure, are fun to revisit and live in from time to time, but i want that one epic moment, that one great fragment of time when i just know im there... when i just know im where im supposed to be for the first time in my whole life.

life is a journey they say.
im tired of wandering aimlessly.
sure i have somewhat of a direction with bubs and school and stuff but....
i feel like im in so many directions all the time all at once that i'm missing something.

i've had some pretty amazing moments recently and i just don't want those to end and maybe that's why im a complete fuck up and clutch them to my chest for dear life hoping they wont go away.

and that is when they do.

and that is when i get back up, sow more seeds, and hope something will bear fruit in the future.  that's all you can do right?  plant, wait, reap?
it's unfortunately a horrible thing for someone with ADHD and a high level of impatience.

maybe some little thing ive done or said 50 years from now will help save a life or change someone's outlook.  you can't downgrade how "small" of an impact you may make because you never know WHO you're impacting.

so impatient kelly, you must wait.

someday hopefully i'll see the footprint i leave in the world.
someday hopefully someone will appreciate my nerdy little self.
someday i can love and be loved in return.
someday hopefully i'll have made a difference in someone's life for good.
someday i will have inspired change.
someday i will have done something great.

impatient kelly.... you must wait.

Friday, December 14, 2012

if we dont die next week...this is for 2013


this year is almost at a close and i have a whole new year ahead of me.
i swore up and down 2012 would be drama free. 
i swore so much would happen and i would be somewhere so different by now.
it's funny how we always think we know best for ourselves and life has another plan.
there's a lot more for us to learn than we think.

i have come across some terrible, heartless, mean, cruel people this year.  i have trusted people that did not deserve my trust or attention or affection and i have come out hurt while they have gotten off without being sorry or a scratch on their skin.

and that sucks.
that has made me so mad sometimes.

but in reality, im not responsible for them.... just me.
and they'll get theirs.

i have learned some really hard lessons but i have also come a long way.
i am a lot stronger than i believe i am.
i can do a lot more than i think.
i really need to believe in myself more.
and i care where others do not.

i may make a huge ass out of myself and put myself out there too much to people that don't deserve it and get used and cheated on and lied to in the long run, but... i'd like to think that im somewhat closer to finding my dorky robot boy and maybe have pointed some things out that people otherwise would not have heard because they only surround themselves with people that coddle and support them and don't challenge them to be a better version of themselves.

i am doing great as a single parent.  yes, i have my bad days and get grumpy and yes, i am tired and pretty worn out but... i'm doing something many cant.  i put my daughter first every day of my life.  everything i do is based around her and what would make her happiest and what would help her be a better person. 

i am doing far better in school than i could have ever imagined.  i need to believe in myself more though and maybe that comes from never ever being encouraged in pretty much anything ever.  i've always been doubted and ignored.  now i see myself drawing blood, assessing cells with microscopes, performing tests and learning about xrays and... this was all stuff i thought i was too stupid for a little over a year ago.  look at me now.  4.0 every quarter.

i have to say i am a bit drained though and maybe that's why i put myself too much out there with the male gender.  in fact, it is quite pathetic but i got audrey, myself, and my roommate each a stocking for christmas.  his is filled, hers is filled, and mine is sad and empty.  audrey has presents under the tree and.... yeah i dunno it's just a little sad.  i don't get why someone wont just be nice back to me.  i like being thoughtful and surprising people and being nice and i just dont understand why so many with a penis can't think with anything other than that.  i mean shit, i am pretty laid back for a female and if i found that santa had left me colored pencils and a notebook id be happy.

J never did holidays or anniversaries or random acts of niceness.  so i guess i just should be used to it by now.  what's another holiday or day gone by?  all this crap this year has done is remind me what i DONT deserve and yes, it's sad i believed and trusted people and all i can do is hope that one day someone will remember that although i am strong and stubborn and independent, im still a girl.  i still just want someone to appreciate the little things and remember i exist.  so maybe one day.

on that note, 2013 has a new plan.  already music and muay thai are taking precedence and i am beyond stoked for my classes even tho i have to drive to blaine twice a week.  i'm getting to the end of some things and hopefully the beginning of some others.  i can only hope for some niceness in the new year.





Monday, December 10, 2012

you think by now id learn

it's really sucky to feel like this.
it's really sucky when you have to face facts and put hope aside.
it's really sucky to see through the beautiful veil of kind words to the real truth provided by actions.

when you barely mean 10 minutes worth of someone's time, it's probably because you mean nothing at all.

harsh reality but reality nonetheless.
time to pick up the pieces again and hibernate.

if all people do is take, at some point you have nothing left.
im pretty bone dry right now.

words words words

i kind of hate them.
(yes, that statement coming from the woman who doesnt know when to shut up or stop typing....)
but i kind of hate them.

and maybe it's because i hate lies.  i hate fibs.  i hate being led along with these crafty little demons only to be abandoned in the dark with no trail to find my way back.

why say something you dont mean?
why say things just to get what you want?
that's disgusting.
i dont tolerate it.

ever since last year i have become more honest than most people would enjoy to be around.
i dont hold things back.
i say what i feel.
i say what i mean.
i say what's on my mind as it pops up.
and i get very frustrated when people cower from the truth or how they really feel.
there's no point to it.
it will come out eventually so why not just spare the nonsense and noise and just be upfront?

i also wish people would back up what they say with proof.
anyone can spew shit out of their mouth.
it's easy and has been done and can be done.
backing up what you say with some evidence however requires a SMALL FRAGMENT OF WORK that most people run from because work = yuck to the human race.
again, i sit here and shake my head because i really just dont understand it.

so my advice to anyone reading...
say only what you mean.
back up what you say with action.
be upfront and honest.
dont hide from truth or feeling.
words are powerful.
words can tear down or build up. words can imprison or free.  words can break or mend, hurt and heal.  be careful what you say and how you say it, but don't hold back out of fear.  you never know how needed some words are to be heard. 

Saturday, December 8, 2012

my one year "soloversary"

i cant believe i forgot about it.
december 3 i believe, last year, my life changed in a very intense way.
i was living a lie.
i was heavy inside.
i was overwhelmed and burdened and a fraction of the person i knew i was and should be.

a stranger.
a person i wanted to be friends with and am currently not, spoke the most truth to me that any friend or foe has ever stated to me in my life.
this person i had met once and talked to three times that had no remote interest in me, set me the straightest.

i was lying to myself and to J.
i was pretending that what was, was ok.
i was pretending that i could endure always being second.
i was pretending that i enjoyed being housewife, and mom, and student, and employee while he just coasted and did as he pleased.
i was pretending that i didnt want flowers and little notes around the house just letting me know i was loved and appreciated.
i was pretending that i enjoyed always being the shadow and never being a person of worth and value.

and i admitted it.

and then i was alone.  as alone as a woman can be with a 2 year old.

i have to say this past year has been so awful and so amazing.
i got broken into again, lost my house insurance because of it, met some amazingly terrible people, and have had all sorts of money troubles.  i have had to take the role of dad and mom.  i have had to weed and learn to trim trees and mow.  i have had to do home repairs and stop basements from flooding.  i had to deal with mice in my house.  i have had to learn to adjust to no sleep and no social life.

but i have to say that the lessons i have learned and the people that have stood by me and supported me and encouraged me and just have been a great example to me have kept me going.  looking at audrey's sweet face and seeing her smile when i let her just be herself or break out of  the rut im in and just act silly with her.... it's enough.  it's enough to help me get through the day and make it to the next.

i have learned so much about being alone.  yes, i have had some awful interactions with men and some pretty shitty experiences this past year.  spending 4 years with someone makes you forget "the game" and you have these newfound expectations that are apparently nonexistant in the world you live in.  what you want seems like a fairytale to others because they havent gotten to the point you are at yourself.

and thats fine.

i can say i love this journey.  i hated it.  some days its so hard and maybe i do hate it.  some days i want someone there to hug and just to laugh with or dance party with or just to take me for a drive to some remote place to just be in silence.  but i dont have that.

im learning a lot about who i am tho and what i do have.
im stronger than i give myself credit for.
im less alone than i think.
i have a very long road ahead of me.

i appreciate the hiccups that have brought me to where i am.
i appreciate all of the people that have lied to me and cheated on me and talked down to me.
without that, i don't think id understand who i am and what im really worth.

so yes, i may be a complete nerd who likes robots and microscopes.
i may have a loud laugh.
i may be quirky.
i may be completely upfront and outspoken.
i do dorky things to show people i care.
i may have odd clothing choices.
i may be the simplest of creatures.
i may be a hippie.
i assume that everyone deserves love and hugs and that life should be simple.
i assume the next time im with someone it wont be an effort and a chore.

i believe that somewhere, in this weird and huge world, there is one friend that is waiting for the same thing that i call reality.... this concept that the person you know you are should be loved and respected for that and not changed to meet some standard or ideal that they have set for themselves.  this concept that youre not a matter of convenience to this other person, but someone they genuinely just want to be around and share experiences with.  this concept that a "relationship" is something you have with family and friends and a special friend and that regardless of the person you have the relationship with that it's all the same... showing love and consideration and thoughtfulness.  that it should really just be simple and easy and effortless.

so maybe that will take some time.
all i know is that this past year has given me a lot to examine and has provided a lot of growth.
J moved on right away and thats his choice and i feel like he is missing out on so much.
i know that i am finding myself again and i like who i am.

so happy soloversary to me.




Friday, December 7, 2012

damned and doomed

i deleted a previous post.  too emo.  too melancholy.  too... wrong.

i am not a psychic.
i can not read minds and see what is going on at all times.
i dont know people like i think i do.
my gut is diseased and leads me to believe things that arent true.
it's in cahoots with my head.
first that stabbing feeling in my gut happens.
then the heart races and it travels ever so quickly to my command center.
from there, the pandoras box of bullshit and garbage just starts escaping like helium balloons being let go of.
just flying away and racing off track and with an ungodly speed.

then i drive somewhere.
then i take a shower.
then do something remotely normal.

then sanity hits.

maybe i don't know the best that life has for me and i am damned and doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over.  maybe heartache and sadness are just meant to be a part of my life.  or maybe they are just meant for that because i cant seem to ignore the things that have led me down the rabbit hole of nonsense before into a downward spiral of ruining every good thing that crosses my path.

until i learn to let go like winter trees and put the past behind me no matter how bad or good the memory is, i will never be able to move on in life.  i will never be able to enjoy ANYTHING.  ill always be afraid of losing or having or reciprocity.

most people hate their heart and say their heart is what leads them into bad situations with people.  mine is my brain.  it never just shuts up, stays quiet, and lets the rest of me just live.  i am going to miss out on some little nuances if i dont just.... let go.  how many people i drive away or intentionally push away just cos of bullshit everyone else has done to me or because of scenarios that look like a repeat of the past.... HOW DO I REALLY KNOW THO???  life is cyclical.  life is very cyclical but that doesnt mean that everything is going to look the same.  it may be patterned similarly but in no way are the events going to transpire similarly.

if im constantly afraid to get hurt and constantly afraid to trust and am constantly afraid to believe that someone wants to be nice and good things can happen to me.... i should just hole myself up in a closet and not come out.  that is NO way to live.  at least not for me.

i may be weird and have quirks.  i may dress in a not so fashionable way.  i may have a really weird and loud laugh.  i may be completely grammatically incorrect.  i may not have the most awesome lifestyle and schedule.  but for fuck's sake... i like me.  id like to think im a rare breed.  i like to put others first and make sure everyone else is happy and feels loved and appreciated before even thinking of myself.  i like to go out of my way to surprise people and let them know i give a shit.  i like to ask people how their day was.  i like to smile and say hello to strangers.  i like to laugh and dance no matter how ridiculous i look or sound.  i like being dorky and nerdy and all variations of those words.  i dont give a shit about being fancy or what's trending.  i just want a happy, humble life surrounded by smiles and love. 

so if im constantly running... thinking i know better and best.... trying to avoid pain and a repeat of lies and cheating and hurt.... im going to have a lonely sad life indeed.  sometimes you have to take a risk.  things may not always turn out ok.  things may end up in failure.  that's ok.  it's another experience.  i dont control life or know what is meant to be when.  no one does.  i have to stop thinking i know what's best and just let life happen.....  however it may.