Sunday, November 30, 2014

can it please just be about something OTHER than sex???

literally i am getting so sick of meeting new people.... and by people i mean guys.... and by meeting i mean like wasting my time trying to get to know someone in an attempt to have a meaningful thing with another person....

is the world entirely sex crazed?  what happened to a guy being a gentleman and like honestly wanting to get to know a girl they asked out?  i mean seriously... do you know how many scarves i could have crocheted in the few hours i spent watching you get drunk, flatter yourself, and try to get down my pants?  i hate going to the gym and using energy i dont have with physical activities, so what makes you think i would like to waste any of my miniscule amount of energy slapping your hands away from my crotch or getting your hands off of the back of my head in an attempt to have me put your erect penis in my mouth?

seriously. 
it makes me feel small and worthless and ugly.
i dont feel proud looking at myself.
i mean, inside i know im worth more than this horrible treatment but it seems that this is what is desired and acceptable.

im smart.
i think im pretty ok looking most days.
im quirky.
i am pretty damn talented.
im a lot more kind and generous than i ought to be.
im interesting.
i care a lot more than i should for people.

i mean literally if you just want a mute female to suck your dick and get you off.... there's like dolls for that shit.  go get a fucking prostitute and pay her to shut up.

i can have sex with a rando.  i can get a fuck buddy im sure.
i dont want that.
i want someone to like and respect me for me.
i want someone who wants to actually get to know me and wont run away at the first sign of imperfection or flaw.
i want someone who isnt afraid of my bad days.
i want someone who will let me in on their bad days too.
i want someone to talk to.... to be a nerdy and dorky best friend with ...

the sex will come.... when it's meant to.
and it will be so much better because it wont be about a 5 star performance that makes all the porn youve ever watched pale in comparison.... it'll actually mean something.

so i beg of you male gender.... can it please just for once not be about sex and be about meaning?  for the love of GOD if anyone is out there that isnt just out for copious amounts of sex.... comment below because im losing hope that there is a solid and decent male left out there.

yeah this sort of shitty interaction with the male gender gives me time to focus on me and baking and my amazing lady friends but... sometimes i just selfishly want someone to care about and someone to care about me back.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

a few little wishes

i wish i were beautiful.
some days i look in the mirror and just hate what stares back at me.
i can only see what ive heard....

fat
lazy
ugly
stupid
worthless
loser
boring
not quite this or that
weird
weak
chubby
uninteresting
unimpressive
tired
disgusting
not attractive
selfish
mean
bitchy
horrible
gigantic

this is just a small list.
there's days i wish i could see what some of the kinder people in my life tell me i am....

beautiful
talented
creative
a good mom
giving
loving
funny
smart
pretty
thoughtful
inspiring
strong
brave
more than enough



i wonder if i could actually see that im beautiful and believe it.... how my life would be different.
i wonder if i wasnt so focused on nit picking at my flaws, if i learned to love the skin and body i am in and love the person that i know i am, how drastically different things would be.

one day i want to wake up and not hate myself.
one day i want to be able to eat food and not be afraid of the fact that i may not have burned all of the calories i took in.
one day i want to know that i am kind and generous and loving.
one day i want to be so sure of these things that all of the negativity would fall to the wayside and i'd finally be free.
one day i want to believe in myself so much that i would never be back in this place....

this place where i hide from meeting new people because im afraid of what they think of me...
where i dont eat in front of people i dont know because im afraid of what they think of me...
where i dont tear apart my closet thinking i look like a balloon float in the macy's thanksgiving day parade....
where i can just love and accept me for me ....

one day ill be free of this....
i just wish that one day would hurry up.


Saturday, November 15, 2014

little bit of self pity

there are these few small moments, when im home alone at nite, usually after some friend leaves, where i feel strangely sad and alone.  alone to the point where i want to lash out at people or just cry.  i say i like alone time.  i say i need it.  i say that i truly want it and dont mind it.
but i do.
i do mind it.
i dont always like it.
i dont like feeling like a pit-stop on someone's nite of fun.
i dont like feeling like an obligation to be kept.
i just want to know someone wants to be here and be weird with me.
maybe not rush me out or rush out to leave.

it's a pathetic little pity cry.
just had to let it out somewhere.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

bare bones

this may be as honest as i will ever be and i am not posting this all over the place just yet cos i don't really want certain people being able to read this since i know they just don't understand about mental illness.

i knew something was wrong from a very early age.  i was always nervous, anxious, and afraid.  i was afraid of being left.  at 3, my parents divorced in a very violent way that i happened to witness.  after that, my mom started seeing someone that truly was an amazing friend to have.  he taught me to read, we built pillow forts, made radio shows, went to the park...  he was perfect except for his closeted alcoholism.  being 4, i didn't know what a budweiser can looked like, but one day, i went into this drawer on a book shelf of mine and noticed it was full of crushed up beer cans.  i told my mom because i didn't know what these were.  that's when things got weird.  we had to change the locks.  my mom was always out on dates and my sister and i were left with babysitters that would put "all my children" and other various soap operas on for us.  i would vomit on the way to kindergarten every morning on this same tree by the playground.  i never felt safe.  my dad and grandmother were always telling me how horrible my mom was and in turn, my mom would always tell me how awful my dad was.  i felt alone.  we moved around a bit and i was always the fat new kid with no friends.  when i did get friends, they didn't like me enough i guess, and one day in my early pre-teen years, they ganged up, came to my house, barged in and just started telling me how fat i was and how horrible of a person i was.  so we moved again.  i got in fights with boys, fights with my new step dad, fist fights with my sister...

i never wanted to leave the house but i didnt want to stay there either.  i retreated into my mind and was at home with music and movies.  then my mom and her husband got super into jesus stuff and that was pretty much the life i was forced to lead. 

this is where shit is so ass backward.  here i was, a fat kid with like no friends except for some kids my mom dubbed "satanic" because they had different colored hair, were gay, and liked nirvana but accepted me for me and i was forced to follow this jesus lifestyle because i was depressed.... depressed to the point where i thought of death every night.  in fact, i would pray to this jesus to take my life every night at bedtime.  i would cry myself to sleep after taking a few tylenol pm just in hopes that i would slip away unnoticed.  it never worked.  i thought about cutting but i was too afraid of blood.  i made friends in church group so i decided to play the game and "live for christ" and all that jazz.  i never understood it.  i never "got" it.  i never felt this "all consuming love" of "father god" or anything like that.  i felt like the misunderstood fat kid that just wanted to go have fun with some friends and be weird. 

needless to say i ended up at a bible college, still as morbidly depressed as when i was 13.  i would spend hours in chat rooms on AOL when that was the new thing, talking to people that had no idea who i was or what i looked like simply because there, in this stupid and pathetic cyber world, there was no concept of being super mean and cruel.  i would sit in the playground on the back 40 acres at the college and take a key to the bookstore i worked at and scrape my skin til it was raw and i saw specks of blood.  i was always doing something wrong.  i was constantly "sinning" and i was miserable and not good enough for these christian people or god himself. 

after a long line of lonely nights in sadness, repeating the same behaviors and pleas for death while i tried to sleep off the melancholy feelings, something snapped..... i started drinking.  i was thinner, guys liked me and i could drink.  this only masked the issue for a short while and i found myself subletting an apartment from a friend while he was in japan, asleep in his bed with a knife and a bottle of rum.  i woke up the next morning and decided i needed to find some purpose or something.... not sure what i found except my ex... that was the most destructive 4 years of my life resulting in a beautiful child but a whole mess of feelings.

you see, i was always accused of cheating.... always.  he could flirt with girls right in front of me but if i let a guy buy me a drink at a bar because i looked sad or was having trouble getting the bartender's attention, i was immediately accused of attempting to fuck said stranger.  i was told how fat i was after i gave birth.  i was accused of cheating if i wanted to look pretty and dress nice. 

so after we split, i went back to what i knew.... drinking and sex.  a few drugs were mixed in this time.  it numbed me right up.... until i had to move to the burbs to get away from being broken into.  this is when my sadness peaked again.  i felt alone and sad and empty.  until i started drinking again of course.  i moved back to uptown, found people to drink with and go to shows with, and spent my time masking my pain with sex and booze.

it leads me to where i am now... years later i still am not sure if i am fat, thin, normal, or what have you.  i have no idea if i am cute or pretty or ugly.  i have no idea really what i like to do or where my personality goes sometimes.  i put myself in terrible relationships that are no good for me because im used to being used and only being talked to for sex and nothing more.  i cant drink anymore just cos it did me wrong a few times over the summer and im pretty over it.... i think everyone is only going to be around me for a short time and can't wait to escape and leave me.  it leads to horrible thinking patterns.  it causes me to behave in a way that is so irrational and leaves me scratching my own head wondering what in the fuckity fuck i am really doing....

and then there's my kiddo.  i dont want her growing up following my same path.  i want her to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is lovely and amazing and worth more than what anyone says to her... that she deserves more than some wishy washy, coward of a guy that is afraid of a committed relationship because he thinks she's a psycho like all of his ex's that just used him and cheated on him.  i want her to be sure and confident and aware and kind with no doubt in her words, actions, or steps.  i want for her all of the things i hope to find for myself.

last week i was in the pit of despair and actually took a dull steak knife and cut up the top of my forearm.  i did it repeatedly because i was not thinking rationally, not sleeping, had a change in my medication, had a seasonal change occurring, and just felt... out of control mentally.  needless to say, it scared someone away, drew a few friends closer, and set me on this path of really needing to get my shit sorted before it's too late. 

and let me specify here that i did not want to die... i felt like a balloon so full of air and pressure that i would pop unless some of the pressure was released.... 55 slashes later... im shaking my head at some itchy scabs and scar tissue...

so now i have therapy every week, i am trying to find a healthy balance with my meds, and i have to go to DBT once a week for 6-9 months.  DBT is dialectal behavioral therapy.  this is basically teaching me new coping and thinking skills for when my brain runs off on an irrational tangent.

i dont expect said person to speak to me again honestly.  im sure how i was speaking and acting was scary.  im grateful for the friends that stuck by me and loved me and encouraged me to get help.  i decided it was time to decorate and organize and downsize my little apartment and even begin a venture of selling my delicious cupcakes for some extra $$. 

every day is hard, but every day is a little easier than the last.  sometimes i wake up at night and just feel alone and rejected and sad.  but morning comes every day and i force myself out of bed.  im forcing myself to be productive with my time and explore hobbies and talents that i put on the backburner. 

so, im exposing all of myself, bare bones and all to you whoever it is that is reading this.  i will post updates here and there to let you know how DBT and therapy are going, how cupcake sales are going, and how healthy i am getting day by day.

in all of this i hope to be able to think more clearly and not assume someone is untrustworthy until they prove me wrong.
i hope to be able to find myself beautiful and not have that be determined by a pants size or a fat roll.
i hope to love myself in the same manner i love others.
i hope to speak kindly to myself in the same manner i speak to others.
i hope to be free and rid of this negative weight that has just been here for far too long.

it's been 5 days today since i last cut myself.  it's been 5 days today since i spent an entire day in bed, sad, and crying.  hooray for 5 days and onto many more.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

a little too late

it stinks that i always learn my lesson a little too late.
like right now... i dont know why i reacted and acted the way i did but self sabotage was sure the name of the game.... the game i fucking hate.  i hate the fucking game.
i found someone i could just be a dorky weirdo with and instead i got so hung up on a label and a definitive answer to the age old girly question that i ruined it.
i forgot that it's just about a hand to hold, someone to dance awkwardly in front of, someone to joke with, someone to share the same bad story with over and over and act like it's the first time it's ever been told.  i forgot that it's about just having weirdo adventures and smiles and hugs and late nite cuddles when you both wake up out of nowhere...
i hope i get to have that back....
i know i need to give space and time.
i know my brain on this logical course of thought needs more time... more time to make it stick.
i hope that with all this time he's still there.
cos i liked him.
it wasn't about the gooey, knee shaking feeling.
this time it was about the more important thing....
the smile.  the smile that radiates from your insides out.
i got too caught up in the bullshit and was swept out to the shitty sea.
and it stinks.
and it's dark.
it's lumpy and lonely and ... well, it's shitty.
i hope for once.... just for once that he meant what he said, that it IS just a step back for now... just some time to sort ourselves out and get to be stupid and hang out again.  cos he was fun to do that with.... i forgot that a little too soon.... and that sucks.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

note to self

it's going to be ok.
even when you think it isnt.
even when you have snot dripping from your nostrils.
even when you are hiccuping and gasping between sobs.
it's going to be ok.

it has been ok before in similar situations.
it will be ok after.

you cracked because you said you were tired of having to be strong and having to be tough.
girlie, that's just who you are.

look.  take a real, hard, good look around you.
no,  it isnt perfect.
no, it's no fucking disney movie.
it's life.
it's the life your decisions and choices have led you to up until now, some good, some bad.
but it is your life.

YOUR life.
you rely on no one far too often (which can be good and bad).
you are stubborn and make things work that probably shouldnt.
you are clever and giving.
you are a loving momma that anyone at first glance of you and your lil bubs can see.
and they see her and say "job well done" cos she isnt a snot nosed screaming brat throwing shit off the shelves at target.
she is polite.
she is kind.
she is friendly and giving and loving.

so lady, before you try to put on one more party hat for the pity party with no guests but yourself, take a long hard look at your life inventory.
take a long hard look at the struggles you have gone through.
remember the cold sting of being alone.
remember the outright insanity you've felt at being so out of control with your feelings.
remember banging on death's door pleading for an entry.
yeah you're not there anymore.
you're here.
you're alive in the now and you've made it.
you've made it this far.

it's been ok before even when you thought it wasnt.
you've swallowed your pride and gotten help before and nothing bad happened.
there was no public shaming of you in the stocks.
you've swallowed your pride and gotten help again.
remember the cold sting of being alone?
you're not there anymore.
YOU ARE HERE.

everything is going to get better.
everything is going to be ok.
note to self.... reread this every once in a while. 
im sure it'll still hold true and save your sanity then too.