Monday, September 27, 2010

... the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (from hell)

It started with the alarm... I woke up to the horrible buzzing of my alarm with the red glaring numbers saying "5:45."  I had clothes to iron and I was NOT feeling like showering for work.
Then I weighed myself and due to my irresponsibility over the weekend, I was 2 pounds HEAVIER than last week. 
Then I got to work, and oh the cruel irony of debt collections- I get a friend a HUGE payment getting him to commission, a big payment I needed to stay on track to bonus fell through, and the absolute stupidity of politics and favoritism just got to the core of my soul.  Debt collections is, in itself a very political business.  In order to NOT look obvious, people are fake and "nice" and the rules apply to some, not all.  I am the some, not the "not all" and I guess I just expect everyone over the age of 16 to act with decency and honesty and integrity and unfortunately just because people are the age of an adult, they can still be selfish and human.
Anyway, then there was terrible traffic on the way home.  TERRIBLE traffic.  Then my car nearly ran out of gas on the way home from day care.  I went to pull into the Gas Stop on Penn & Lowry and everything looked fine.  There was a pump open and I could easily get to it without an issue and Audrey was still doing fine in the car and there was no sign of a screaming fit coming.... that is until the giant asshole in the fancy red Jaguar whipped in front of me and nearly hit my car... then while trying to get OUT of the way another dingbat opened his car door while I was just trying to leave.
I finally get home and my dear sweet Audrey was nothing but smiles, squeals, drool, and fun.  She had a great time with me and was well behaved and went to bed early enough where I could get some stuff done.
All in all it was a craptastic day and I am not looking forward to work tomorrow BUT, I always have that beautiful smile to come home to.  That's enough for me.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

to all those i work with who envy my getting off work early...

you all have no idea.  this is the first time i have gotten to sit down without a child on my lap or needing some attention.
my days are just so full and so busy.
i get up at 545, pump, shower, get dressed, get breakfast, get audrey up, feed audrey, get audrey breakfast, and get audrey dressed and out the door to be at day care by 8 and to work by 830 (on wed thurs and fri) or josh drops her off at day care when i have to be to work by 8.  i leave work at 4 only to sit in traffic for nearly a half hour, get my baby from day care, then go home to feed audrey, get audrey dinner, get her a bath, and have SOME play time and stories before i feed her again and it's bed time by 7 at the latest.  around 7 i get to finally sit down and eat something and then get everything ready for the next day (pack our lunch pail, pack audrey's bottles and food for day care, do dishes, clean up, and iron some clothes for the next day).  im usually done with everything around 815 or so and can finally BREATHE.
this is not including the fact that i would LOVE to exercise and study....
i feel so behind on everything.  i forget to pay bills, i forget to call family, our house gets dirty so fast....
i want to better our lives by studying to pass the state registration exam to get a better job with better insurance and better pay so we aren't living check to check with crappy hours...
i also want time for me.  i want to be able to get a haircut and a tattoo (whenever i get money for THAT), i want to go running and train bjj again.... i want a nap or a solid night's sleep.
yeah having a kid changes things.  life is crazy chaotic.  it needs 30 hours a day instead of 23:59.  we dont have family nearby to help watch audrey at the drop of a hat... i feel guilty sometimes having someone watch her because i feel like i dont spend nearly enough time with her as i should...
oh the dilema of an unbalanced life and the chaos of being a new momma.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

the power of sleep

it's amazing what a few extra hours of sleep or a nap can do.
this weekend, including friday, audrey just would NOT sleep.  she was fussy and crabby and grumpy a lot and simply no fun!

when she does sleep though, she is the cutest and most beautiful looking angel.  and when she wakes up, she is chatty and excited and all smiles!
i love putting audrey to bed.  i love when she snuggles on me or puts her head on my shoulder and buries her face into my shirt.  i even love hearing her little baby snores! 
i love that she actually goes to sleep now!  she puts herself down between 6 and 7 and wakes up 12 hours later excited to see her mommy again!
i have the most wonderful little baby in the whole world!

Monday, September 6, 2010


i love my little audrey but BOYYYY can that LITTLE girl eat BIG!
practically speaking, there was no way i could afford to feed her unless i started to make the food myself.
this lil contraption was a bit pricey but i HIGHLY recommend it.
if not for the beaba babycook i think i would be in the poor house buying all the little gerber tubs for audrey to eat at mealtime.  she is just SO hungry.
sometimes, she cries when i wipe off her bib and wipe off her face because she is STILL hungry.  she eats far more than i think is healthy or necessary sometimes but what can ya do but feed her?

the beaba babycook is kind of small for its price.  the basket holds about 1/2 of a potato where you would want it to hold the WHOLE potato to obviously get it all done at once.  it IS extremely easy to use.  the blender has 3 lines on it and the instructions show you which line to fill it to depending on what food you are making.  then you set it to the steam option, go away and get something done, come back and empty the contents into the water (unless youre making a potato... whole other story to make potatoes) and set it to the blend option.  you have to hold it on the blend option if you want a nice puree BUT it also gives you the option to finely chop.  you make your puree, put it in some ice cube trays, freeze it, AND you can even REHEAT in the babycook!  i use the microwave because it's faster but the machine does reheat food.

i spend about $25- $40 a month on food for audrey.  go figure she eats a tub at breakfast, 2 tubs at lunch and dinner.... that's 5 tubs a day or around $3 a day.  that's $21 a week... $84 a month!!!  yes, i'd say this product is well worth it!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Saturday, September 4, 2010

A night full of nightmares

I don't know why it is but lately I have had such VIVID dreams.  Maybe it is due to my lack of sleep, maybe I am so overtired that when I do get to sleep, my mind goes nuts, maybe it is because I eat stuff too late, maybe it's from creepy commercials for movies or random stuff on tv, or maybe... it's something different all together.

Last night's was the worst!  I finally got some sleep, but around 5 I heard Audrey stirring in her sleep.  I finally fell back to sleep to one of the creepiest dreams ever.  What sucks the worst is that I knew I was dreaming but couldn't wake up. 

I was dreaming that I was in a movie.  For some reason, everyone had a bandanna.  It was on their neck or in their hair or in their hands or on their wrists.... just everyone had one.  Red, blue, and black.  In this "movie" I was playing a protester.  All of a sudden my palm started bleeding and everyone started shouting "STIGMATA!!" so I ran up to some man and asked if I could borrow his bandanna.  I wrapped up my hand with a red bandanna and walked off "the set".  All of a sudden I was in our friends Tyler and Virginia's house but in my dream it was mine and Josh's house.  We were in their living room when this little kid showed up at the door and couldn't talk.  He was lost but couldn't talk to us.  Instead of calling the police to report the missing child, Josh decided to keep him.  We then took Audrey and this mystery boy to our daycare lady Melisa's house for dinner only our friends Cecilia and Sarah were there too.  There was a chalkboard above their couch with drawings that incorporated Audrey and how she was part of the daycare kid crew.  Out of nowhere, the drawings vanished and no one wanted us there anymore so we left.  We went back home where I was going to put Audrey to bed.  This balloon that Aunt Karen brought over after she was born was tied to her crib (and some how still full of helium).  The balloon just started flailing around all crazy like their was a gust of wind or something.  I saw a shadow and felt a really evil presence in her room (for some reason there was no shade on her window so it was the glare of her light blasting into the darkness of the outside on her window behind me) and I tried to scream only nothing would come out.  The presence of evil just got stronger and stronger and I couldn't yell!  I wanted to have Josh come to help keep us safe from whatever was coming after Audrey and I but I couldn't yell.  Then the balloon mysteriously deflated and was lying on the ground.  The kid that Josh had decided to keep was gone again and I couldn't find Audrey.  I tried again to scream but I couldn't.  I just remember the light being on in her room, it glaring off of the bare window and there being shadows in the dark night through the window.  I just remember trying to scream, wanting some help and protection but there being nothing but this evil force coming after me.

And then I woke up.  Even now as I am typing this out again in the eerie silence of naptime, every little noise is making me jump.  It was so real and scary.  I have never been more thankful to be awake.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Memories, Nostalgia, and Radio

Can't believe summer's over.  When you're a little kid, you can't wait for summer and dread the end-of-summer chill signifying fall weather and school's return.  As an adult, working ALL the time, I don't share the same dread for fall and the same lust for summer weather.  In fact, I adore fall.  For one, I hate being super sweaty and overheated and secondly, I LOVE hoodies and mittens.  But, I hate the fact that I work inside all the time during the day, every day of the week.  I love the sunny days that have a sweet smell and crispness in the air.  I like tromping through piles of crunchy leaves or laying in a warm grassy field in the sun.  I want to be able to take Audrey for walks and enjoy some sweet vitamin D and fresh air.

It was nice to go to the fair with Josh tonight while our friend Nick watched Audrey.  We got a date, and we got to wear hoodies!!!  We even listened to old mix cd's I had made when I met him since all he listened to was stuff on 93 X and I only listen to the Current.  It was a nice drive home listening to the Decemberists and the Shins, Mason Jennings, and even some Brand New, goin back to my Long Island roots.  Gotta love Merrick!  Actually, brought back good memories listening to Brand New.  I remember Dane and Will, the smell of cigarettes and beer, everyone playing songs on the guitar and singing, and late night cab rides back to my dad's house since I didn't have a car.

I love the nostalgia music evokes. I can hear REALLY old bands that remind me of car rides with my dad back when I was a kid.  I wonder if Audrey will one day think my music is super lame just like I remember of my dad's taste.  Come on Pat Benetar and Fleetwood Mac, right?  I wonder if Audrey will hate the Eels, the Black Keys, Mos Def, Atmosphere, etc....  I wonder if she will have fond memories when she hears songs when she's older.

I wonder what other sights, smells and sounds will make her remember the fun times she had with her momma when she's older....

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Day one of many....

I decided I have too much on my mind and way too much to say to put in a facebook status or note so .... it was time to make a blog.
SO much has changed in my life in the past 5 1/2 months!
I have the most amazing little addition to my life, Audrey Sobrinha
and now chaos has ensued.  Josh and I have work full time, a house to take care of, a pet cat, this BEAUTIFUL little girl, AND we try to have outside hobbies and alone time.  Needless to say, EVERYTHING is slacking except the cat and the baby.
I also decided I want to do something with my life.  I am looking into becoming a certified nursing assistant.  This means more schooling and studying.... BUSIER.

I also miss jiu jitsu.  Just 2 years ago I was on a podium getting my first place medal for nationals.  I was in the best shape of my life, the smallest I've been since I was 16, and I was working toward something.  Now I feel trapped in a mundane cycle with no escape.  I have no time to get my body back to where I want it, no time for ME to explore things that I want to do and learn.  Josh works late two days a week so I take care of Audrey alone, then Thursdays, Saturdays and Sundays are jiu jitsu days.  I just feel trapped into taking care of housework, workwork, and mommy work.  I want a haircut, and a massage and a few days to myself to go jogging and get some new clothes....
Josh said that whenever I want to go out, he'll take care of the baby, but we are always busy or he is always busy so there's never really any time for me.
That's why I'm hoping just to get a nursing job, work some overnights in a hospital and have some day time for ME.  There's my hope.
That's all for now from one tired, worn out mommy.