Wednesday, March 30, 2011

always a stormy cloud

well, i did it.  i quit my new job.  well, walked out rather.  i couldn't take being treated like a nuisance for being new and not knowing what to do.  after a week and one day of having far too much down time at my desk with no direction, i left.  i have an interview with a previous employer that would free up enough time for me to go back to school.  BUT i just looked at all of the requirements for the RTEC program i want to do.  i dont have any prior biology courses so that puts me at a disadvantage AND they only accept 10 students per semester!  plus, the need for radiologists isn't AS high so come 2014 , there might not be a need for someone like me.  plus, working at the previous place i worked at is a serious pay DECREASE, but frees up more time for Audrey.  i'm really hoping and praying i made the right decision and that i get accepted, if not for the fall term, at least for the spring term next may.  it will be tight money-wise, but if i don't try now and start this now, when will i go back to school?  plus, if i get denied for the RTEC course, i can always become a CNA in the mean time and work at a hospital for a bit more money per hour.  it's just that i really want this now.... i'm making all the necessary steps.... it's just a bit difficult treading unknown waters. 
a friend once told a debtor on the phone "short term pain for long term gain."  i wasn't sure of his sincerity, but the phrase certainly rings true now.  i just hope that the short term pain isn't 4 years of pain and is simply 2 or 3 at the most.  it's like i can almost taste my dream.... like watching cookies baking.  you can almost taste them, but if you take them out too soon they are raw and mushy and gross.  if you take them out too late they are crispy, burnt, and have lost their sweetness.  i'm hoping that i'm not too late or rushing too soon.  i want my dream, this cookie, to come out JUST RIGHT!  (why do i always have food analogies?)

Monday, March 28, 2011

a forced breather

with all that's been on my mind and all that i have been trying to undertake, i have put myself in a very bad spot.
i have compromised my health for no reason.... i cant do anything to speed time up to get my answers.  instead, i have given myself an ulcer, forced anxiety attacks upon myself, and have become a complete zombie.  i'm missing out on enjoying little moments because i am trying to take on the whole world myself.
i don't know what it is that makes me feel bad for asking for help.  i mean, josh lives in this house too.  josh is audrey's daddy too.  i don't know why i feel like i have to work 40 hours, cook, clean, and take care of audrey on my own.
i have dreams and ideas and things i want to do and everything has been put on hold because of money or audrey or josh's schedule.
i think i finally have a means to an end here and the waiting game is KILLING ME (almost literally).
i need a break.  i need to relax.  i need help and the ability to ask for it without feeling bad.
now how to start.... 

Thursday, March 24, 2011

dazed and confuzed

i have been craving change to the point of tears so much lately.  the more audrey neared 1 year old, the more i just was like a thirsty person craving a drop of water.  you know how that is.... when you had something too salty for dinner and you wake up in the middle of the night DYING of thirst and go to the bathroom or kitchen and get a drink of water and... it's like you're tasting water for the first time.  water never TASTED so good before.  water has never been so satisfying and you just want to keep drinking even though your belly is now full and gurgling. 

well now i am at that same thirst point in my life, but for change.  i hate the job i have currently (even though it's a new job).  i don't like this industry and this is something i dont like, i'm not proud of, not interested in..... i mean, the list keeps going.  i've wanted to go back to school for a while for radiology.  the problem is time and money.  i want more time with audrey.  for some reason, i just MISS HER TERRIBLY moreso now than ever.  i hate being away from her. 

i am trying to source a plan of action to get some realistic goals in order.  i started with a list.  a 5 year plan if you will.  it's not like it's november and i am trying to get a ton done in a short time.  i have a lot of time left in this year and have some realistic things to get started on.


so here's hoping something good starts......soon.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

where has the time gone?

dude, audrey is 1.
her party is saturday.
im starting a new job monday.
craziness.
audrey took 8 steps on her own.
we'd gotten broken into and robbed.
craziness.