Saturday, September 27, 2014

a little bit of peace

well, mostly a little bit of quiet.
you can't stop the cat from meowing for food in your ear until you actually get up and feed her.
so i did.
then my add self found the coffee pot askew and decided to brew some.
for the past half hour i have been sitting, enjoying the aroma and taste of this delectable brew, watching the sun peek its way through the clouds and over the horizon, creating a hazy luminous glow above the apartment buildings across the street.

im in love with moments like this.
moments where i can't hear anything but the wind in the trees, cars driving in the distance, birds chirping, and the morning just beginning.
moments where coffee tastes like salvation and warms my body and soul to the core.
moments where smells are more prominent than ever before and awaken my senses to the new day.
moments where my brain is off and im just living in the moment that is.

this must be what life is supposed to be like.
too often i am riding that rollercoaster of life, unable to get off.
too often i am running through the crowded streets trying to get from point A to points B, C, D, E, F, and so on.
moments like this i feel calm and awake even tho my body wants to be back in my bed and my eyes just want to rest some more.

i started a new anxiety med last nite. 
i probably wont even feel any effects for a few weeks.
im just hoping i can get some sleep.
im just hoping my life can come to some kind of slower pace and maybe shift my brain from overdrive to geriatric speed.
cos if life is supposed to be lived like how i feel right now.... able to breathe, not plagued with thoughts of things that are not right now....i would very much like to move here and live here always.

now to hope bubs doesnt wake up for a little bit so i can enjoy this a tiny bit more... there's my selfish mommy thought for the day.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

it's ok to cry

im never one to cry in public.
in fact, i was taught that it was weakness to cry.
i didn't grow up with that mentality.
HE taught me.
HE told me tears were manipulative.
HE told me it was passive aggressive.
HE told me it was a sign of weakness.

so i held it in.
i fought for my life to suppress every tear that wanted to fall.
i suffocated my sadness with a fake smile to everyone that came to congratulate us on the birth of our child.

and then one day, i gave in.
i couldn't fight anymore.
i cried and i cried and i cried.
i cried until my eyes were bled dry of every last drop of saline.

i was free.

i still to this day have a problem with crying. 
i try extremely hard to suppress my sadness and feelings.
i mask everything with a smile and snort.

but just now something clicked.
something just made sense for a tiny moment.

i was trying to take out my contacts and one was just STUCK.... and i mean STUUUUCKKK!!!
so i kept kind of pulling at it, and in doing so, i got something in my eye.
it burned.
it burned so bad and tears started to well up in my one eye.
and then i remembered from some sort of science class:
tears are your body's way of ridding foreign objects from your eyes.

all of those times ive felt like exploding with tears over a situation, it was just my body's way of ridding that horrible experience from it.  the foreign body of trauma and heartache and pain... my tears were just washing away those things that didnt belong; that would only bring me down and take me away from where my life is going.

so, moral of the story... it's ok to cry.  it's ok to just let disappointment and fear and grief go in the form of tears and it doesnt matter if it's in the privacy of your own room or in front of your coworkers and a pretty sassy doctor.  those are just painful experiences leaving my body and we ALL have those and go through moments of tears.  every eye cries out foreign particles of dust and debris.... every eye of every living creature... and likewise, we all feel pain and loss and sorrow sometimes and those tears are washing away the physical and emotional foreign bodies that just destroy our vision for a moment and really just don't belong there.

Saturday, September 13, 2014

the hole of depression and a new light

it's easy to say the past week i've been living in a fog of depression.  to say i've had some recent bad luck lately could largely be called the understatement of the year.  this bad luck shoved me further and further in this dark little room, isolating myself to this place of fear and solitude that i didn't miss. 

oh yes, that's right.  i'd been here before.  in fact, the pillowcases in this place are faded from stains of tears past.  the walls, lightly etched with indentations of angry fists.  i know where the pen and notebook still are though.  that is my only defense against the darkness.  over the years said pen and notebook have become an online blog of ups and downs that few read or speak of, but still... the power of getting my thoughts out of my head.... no matter how scary, dark, or demented they may seem to me.... those illuminate the room i am in enough to where i can find the exit and make a hasty escape.  these guards of darkness follow me though.  through every stage of life, there they are- cold, beady eyes... stiff, clenched jaw... the iciest of stares with the cruelest of intentions to each grab an arm of mine and drag me kicking and screaming back to this tiny prison.

so yeah i was hanging out in a dark hallway very near this room.  then something happened.  a helping hand or 8 came about.... kind words... encouraging hugs... a pizza party at 330am with a neighbor and funny movies....a plan.... love... support...

all of that rushing through my body like a shot of adrenaline giving me life and breath.  this morning, around 730 am, having barely slept more than a few hours before said pizza party, i went outside.  prepared for this new autumn morning chill, i was equipped for my quick stroll with 2 hoodies, some slippers, and fleece pj pants.  the cool, morning breeze hit my cheeks, rushed through my nostrils and began to fill my lungs while the hints of the not-so-early sun greeted me through some nearby trees.  this is what life was about.... this moment of feeling safe and secure in the wide open.

many dread the first autumn chills.  having to break out the hoodies, sweaters, and jackets after months of liberating freedom being able to bear almost everything to the summer sun.  i on the other hand love it.  it makes me feel cozy and warm.  i think of getting all bundled up in hoodies and scarves and mittens, feeling the wind trying to make me cringe with his chill, but these layers of fleece and cotton fabric, like armor, protect me.

so that's what this morning did.  it gave me that feeling of warmth and security.  it reminded me there is hope.  i have not been defeated yet.  i am creative under pressure.  these past years have only just begun scratching the surface of my resilience and character.  yes, i have had to borrow from friends and sell some things.  yes, i have fear and that fear has made me cry and cower and tremble.... but then i remember what i tell children at work that are screaming about a  shot, pleading and bartering with their parents, sometimes screaming at their parents... "it's ok to be afraid.  it's ok to even cry.  that is ok.  but it isn't ok to kick or hit.  we have to get this done.  im sure you want to go outside and do better things than sit cooped up in this room.  you have to trust me this will be quick.  stay loose like a noodle.  when you're all tensed up it really hurts."  (there's more and no these arent all at once... that's too long of a speech.... but we can end that here since im sure you get the point....)

i don't want to be in this room any longer... this room of darkness and despair where my eyes are completely bugging out of my head, tears running down my face and my limbs shaking like leaf in the breeze.  it is OK to be afraid .... stay loose like a noodle... this will be quick.... when you're all tensed up, it really hurts.... we have to get this done.... it's ok to even cry......"

so im still awake.  it's almost 830, my cat is giving me the ol wink n purr and my kettle is boiling away water for tea.  i am going to get things done today.  my house to many is far too clean to be one that has a kid in it.... but to me, i see signs of depression.  dirty dishes in the sink, moldy coffee water in my coffee pot, a dirty tub and toilet, clothes on the floor, papers all over a chair in a haphazard pile of avoidance...today i am setting myself free from this room .... free to embrace the change of seasons- whatever change it may be, and feel secure in my hoodies and scarf against the autumn  chill.