Monday, January 31, 2011

day one

today starts day one of paxil and day one of no more breastfeeding audrey.
it's hard.  she's been even MORE clingy lately since i started cutting down on breastfeeding.
she just wants me to be visible or holding her otherwise she loses it.

on another note.  i am really growing very bored.  i feel like my life needs a major overhaul.  i am contemplating seeing a therapist because i feel like i just need an outside third party to take a peek into my brain and help me sort things out without saying "well think about josh's feelings" or "josh is such a jerk" or "youre doing too much" or "youre a bad person" or "you deserve better"......  that sort of stuff.

im just bored.  every day is the same day and carries on into the weekend.  we never go anywhere or do anything fun.  i want adventures and memories.  i want audrey to look back on her childhood and be like "wow that was effin sweet."  but, we are bound to josh's obsession with jiu jitsu and our lack of funds mean that i have to work A LOT!  i miss hobbies.  i miss my guitar and playing shows.  i miss that feeling of freedom i get from singing or hearing a great song.  i miss the excitement of being alive and trying new things and meeting new people and seeing new places.

i dont want to be a homebody.  i dont want to sit at home, cook, and watch movies.  i used to be ok with that in my drinking days because i was too hung over to go anywhere or WANT to do anything.  but now, i don't think it's fair to subject audrey to staying at home. 

so, day one of paxil and hopefully some time with a therapist.  wish me luck.

Friday, January 28, 2011

goodbye snuggle time

i had to make the  hard decision to stop nursing next monday in order to get some sanity back.  my nerves are so far beyond on edge lately.  it just keeps getting worse and worse.  it seemed so logical, my wreckless train of thought until i was talking to my doctor about it... then i just sounded completely nuts.  what's worse is that i know my fears and worries are irrational, but it's like i get this thought and think about it and everything spirals out of control.  we have this papertowel holder that hangs under our cupboard.  it is the most faulty piece of trash because when you go to pull one sheet off, the whole thing falls off and unravels on the floor.
THAT, dear reader, is how my mind works.  i go from thinking that audrey is sleeping with a blanket to thinking that audrey is suffocating and going to die in her sleep unless i keep the monitor on really loud and check on her 100x before i go to bed.  or that if i leave the house someone is going to break in while i am not home.  i constantly worry when i drive with her that someone is going to crash into the side of my car and kill her.  yeah i know all new moms worry.  that's an understatement.  what's bad is that sometimes i cant stop this thought process no matter how hard i try.  taking a step back and breathing, doing yoga, meditating, trying to talk myself into rational thinking.... nothing.  this out of control thought process can sometimes last 3 chest will get tight and i cant breathe....

there is no rhyme or reason to any of this.  lately the worst thing is that i worry about money and then my mind goes into post-apocalyptic thoughts and i REALLY cant calm down.  i worry so much about the safety and well-being of my daughter that i literally have been getting sick.

so, i have to start on some meds monday that are TOTALLY NOT SAFE for bf, so i decided i will start on monday and continue to slowly wean audrey off.  she is pretty much on all formula now since josh has been home watching her while i work extra.  i will miss our morning and evening snuggle time though.

goodbye snuggle time.  hello sanity (i hope).

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

rub a dub dub, there's two in the tub

lately audrey has had the most INTENSE fear of the tub.  we put her little tub in the big tub or put her little tub in the sink but she without fail try to stand up and get out and cry hysterically.  i kind of am to blame i think.  one time i put cold water on her head when i thought it was warm and didn't double check.... YIKES!
anyway i read up on the bath phobia and one site suggested taking a bath WITH the baby to get them feeling more secure.
i have to say- this totally worked.  she gets excited for bath time and smiles the most happy smile.  she splashes and has fun!  i hope this wont be a forever thing because it sure is time consuming.  im happy that she is learning to be calm and understands that baths are safe and ok.

Monday, January 24, 2011

today is going to be awkward

there have been very few days where i have gotten it right- where that looming, gut tightening feeling is actually something i should have listened to.
for example, the day i knew i shouldnt drive josh's truck to work and it broke down on n 26th and penn ave n and i was late for work and stuck in a not so great neighborhood while it was snowing....
or the day i knew josh was getting fired....

today just has that feeling.  i can't explain it, but i know something is going to happen.  it feels awkward and heavy. 
i hope im just being an overtired basketcase.

my stomach hurts though.  it hurts, churns, and feels like it is in 1,000 different varieties of knots.
i feel nervous.  im anticipating the worst of the worst.

hello world, my name is debbie downer.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

xanax? zoloft? anyone? anyone?

i havent felt this stressed or tense in so long.
back in the day like 5 years ago i was on zoloft for my many issues and got through it all by writing songs and then finding that exercise is a good release of stress.
lately, having had my priorities completely revamped beyond my control, i find that due to our crazy schedules, i dont get time for anything.  josh is busy.  always busy.
i suppose i could MAKE more time but... audrey's always needing something and maybe it's my own fault for feeling like i NEED to be the one to fix everything and care for everything.

needless to say, im getting white hairs, my hair is falling out, and i think i'm getting stress related hives or something.  i just CANT calm down.  maybe it's my need to replace meals with coffee or something...
either way im going nuts.  i cant get a convenient doctor's appointment since my job has this MASSIVE issue for people missing work for health issues....

im just grumpy, tired, on edge, and am realizing HOW much i clench my teeth ALL day.... it hurts.
any ideas on what to do? 

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

hello new year

this is going to be a good year.
i've already EFFED UP with the finances ROYALLY.  like really bad....
BUT... it's funny how i'm not letting that drag me down.  i'm figuring out ways around my miscalculations and am making it a priority once i balance things out with commission checks at the end of the month so we can actually use our tax return and have some left to save.

ok, so aside from a money mess right at the beginning of the year, i have good plans and good things in mind.

for one.... i really want to be healthy.  i know that's what every single person says for a few months and then caves... but, i really want to be healthy.  it's amazing what 60 extra pounds will do to you mentally.  i didnt exercise much while i was pregnant because very well meaning people kept yelling at me.  so, while i slowed down, my metabolism slowed down, and petite baby audrey was only 6 pounds and i had 54 pounds of unaccounted for nonsense stuck to me.
i swore off the scale after the needle wouldn't budge (and finally the battery died so all was well with that demon).  i tried diet after diet and finally QUIT.  one day i hit the gym scale and found i was back to normal give or take a few pounds.... AWESOME right?  hardly!

i've always been REALLY REALLY hard on myself.  REALLY.  so, while the number is awesome (it's back to my exact pre-pregnancy weight) but my body is still flabby and loose.  my jeans fit, but the excess baggage (even in its tiniest form) is NOT ok for me.

i really do miss jiu jitsu.  i mean, it changed my life.  i won a national title... i beat the crap out of many guys...but it is REALLY hard on you after taking 2 years off.  i can see why people stop going.  when i get my ass kicked NOW, it sucks worse because i have an 18 pound baby that constantly needs playing with or lifting... so my back and hips and ribs and knees take and even LARGER beating.  not right now jiu jitsu.  you will just have to wait... again.

i do love fitness yoga.  it is FUN!  i have some dvds but it is so easy to just do the 15 min or 10 min segment and call it quits..... or just sit and stretch while watching The Office and call it enough.  this year though, i really want to make a change.  i want to be conscious about what im doing with my body, my mind, and my words.  i fly off the handle in many ways.

so, here's my "new years resolution" which i really want to be a life change.....
(and im making realistic goals because i have some larger ones that would make me just sit back and do nothing because it's a lot to tackle at once)...

-get up early to exercise every morning (for now in the winter it IS just my 15 min or 10 min of fitness yoga, but once it gets warmer out, go for a run outside for a half hour)
-get to the gym to run and do light weights at least 2-3 times a week.
-PAY ATTENTION to what i eat and drink and teach audrey good eating habits
-make the time to eat and make good foods
-go back to school by my birthday (still gotta figure out what for)
-make a budget and STICK to it
-put some money every month in a savings account

so, there it goes.... nothing too drastic.... just some small life changes that will make for a better life overall.  i need my head screwed on straight :)