Thursday, January 8, 2015

insomnia with a dash of anxiety

i was woken up by miss picklecat wanting to be pet and have me be big spoon.
when she'd had enough attention, off she went leaving me in a half awake stupor.
so naturally, i reached for my phone to see what excitement i missed overnight.

i dont know if it's technology, the constant blur of being involved in peoples' lives via words and pictures on a website, or the fact that my brain can take one person's successes and turn it into a downward spiral of hurtful comments toward myself, but here i am, 550am, wide awake, hating myself.

now, don't get me wrong, i do have the most ridiculous anxiety and am still working on it.  i deal with depression, ocd, and a very obvious case of adhd.  i take my meds for the above clinical diagnoses when i remember, but sometimes.... sometimes moments like these are far beyond medications.  moments like these are where i need to talk myself down off the ledge and just go back to bed.

but it's hard right now.
it's hard because i feel like a failure.
i worry about money.
i hate my body.
i worry im not good enough.
i worry about days and months from now with made up scenarios.
i think im alone.
i think im forgotten.
i hate the life i have and wish i had someone else's instead.

but here is the danger.... the pitfall of a culture obsessed with social media. 
we only put things out there we want people to see (unless youre me who has no fucks left and literally just spills every personal ounce of her life onto the interwebs even stuff dealing with bowel movements).
we delete the photos where we have a double chin, a fat roll, or where a few hairs are out of place.
we post the fun stories, the success stories, the vacation and concert pictures, our triumphs and our winning moments.
very rarely do we see someone as they truly are.

so yes, while i shouldnt compare myself to anyone (let's be real tho... we all compare ourselves to SOMEONE or SOMETHING else even if it's a former version of ourselves), i am flooded with images and stories where that is all i can do.  easy solution would be to read a book and get the fuck off the internet.  easy solution would be to know the truth about the internet..... but with lovely mental diagnoses such as mine, that isn't always the easiest solution.

so, it's nealy 6am, i'm tired, i feel sad, and utterly alone.
there's more behind those feelings than i am letting on right now but im thirsty and want some apple juice.  also picklecat put her tail right on top of my backspace key and i feel a little bad smushing it when im trying to correct an error.

all i can say is send some good thoughts.  i hate these moments where deep down i know better but the surface level, immediate kelly is just not embracing the whole and full truth, getting full on candy instead of nutrients.  this will pass since it does not fill, but i am not ready to experience the gut rot.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

the voices...

with depression, anxiety, ocd, and adhd.... medicated or not, some days are just better than others.  strange things like the weather and temperature and the color of the sky actually does have a major impact on these mental illnesses.

while my medication is good at taking care of my symptoms most days, there are a few days out of the month where it just isn't enough... where the voices in my head get so loud and so hard to ignore.

i've come a very long way in the past few months.  normally i wouldn't chalk a few months up to a victory, but i'm starting to see that if i don't.... if i give in to the lie of "well, it's only been a month, so there's not enough evidence you really can do this" or if i give in to the lies that plague my brain, "you're small.... you're irrelevant... no one likes you... you're alone... you're horrible... you're fat.... you're really ugly.... no one really likes you.... you're invisible... people wish you'd disappear... you have nothing relevant to say.... you're so stupid.... you're worthless... you're better off hiding out so you can spare people from having to put up with you...."  then im back where i began.

in november, that was the last time i cut myself.  it was probably the time that i cut myself the worst... so bad i left visible scars.  i had 53 and now im down to 3 dark ones and about 10 faded ones.  i wouldn't say i was knocking on death's door... i was mostly fed up, not sure how to release any of what i was feeling and thought cutting would be like puncturing a small hole in an already too full balloon to release some air before it would burst.

since then, i have been trying really hard to notice when my symptoms are in a place beyond where my meds have the ability to help.  the past few days have been such a place.  i noticed myself unconsciously giving in to these self defeating, negative, very self depricating thoughts.  i even voiced a lot of these statements out loud.  the horrified look on some peoples' faces made me realize that i was once again doing it.  i was becoming the victim.  i was becoming the captive to these abusive and commanding thoughts. 

i'm not a victim.  i'm a victor.
i'm not helpless.  i'm strong.
i'm not a captive.  i'm free.

i have to remember these things daily... especially days like today and  the past few days. 
it's ok to let myself cry a little to release some of the imaginary inflation.  it's ok to tell myself out loud that these thoughts are insane and i'm better than this.  it's ok to vent on a public forum or on a scrap of paper in private.

so that's what im doing right here... enjoying a cup of delicious coffee, staring out at the cold, bleak morning that i soon have to encounter to head off to work, reminding myself that i am not the following:

-a failure

and that i AM the following:


i think that last part is key.  im still here for a reason.  im alive, in this new year, with this glorious mash up of mental illnesses that i once let control and rule every moment of every day for me.  these thoughts do not control me.  these illnesses do not have power over me.  yes, some days my medication isn't strong enough... but sometimes in battle, guns arent enough and you end up in hand to hand combat.  sometimes mere opinions are not enough and you need facts and proof to back it up.  sometimes one instrument is not enough and you need a whole symphony.

today is yet another day i am taking control of my life and my thoughts and i am going to be thankful for today.  thankful that im alive.  thankful for the people that are in my life that I CHOOSE to be there.  it's MY CHOICE who is in my life and if people don't like me, i don't need that negativity there anyway.

today i am choosing to live in gratitude and kindness and love.  thank you dear friends for being in my life in spite of all of my hang ups and for encouraging me and supporting me along the way.

love and hugs and happy stuff.

Friday, January 2, 2015

far from perfect...

....that's how i would sum up my life.
far from perfect, far from ideal.

my life as a single mom in the past 3 years and a bit has been one crazy whirlwind....
and at 31, i have to say that it is far from what i would have ever called my ideal, perfect scenario.

im broke.
most of my bills are behind.
i hardly ever go out.
i miss every show i want to go to.
the number of friends i have is dwindling because of my schedule.
im usually quite stressed or exhausted due to my job and then coming home to take care of bubs and picklecat and cook and clean up after all of us.
i am the worst possible person to give any remote amount of alcohol to.
i'm not the first person sought after on a friday night.
i havent been on a proper date in god knows how long because, who wants to date a mom?
i don't receive many texts or phone calls.
i basically have to bother people to hang out with me sometimes because my schedule is always wonky.
im scatterbrained as all heck.

but in the midst of accepting solitude and quiet....
in the subtle moments where i have a load on my plate and im not sure how im gonna carry it all...
there's this little monkey-girl smiling at me, hugging me, telling me im a beautiful mom and that she loves me.
she shows off for me and wants my undivided attention.
shes imaginative and beautiful and smart and kind.
she needs me and she loves me just as much as i need and love her too.

so you see, while my life is far from perfect, far from any dream scenario i would have ever wanted or chosen or thought up for myself... this is the life i have.  these are the cards i was dealt.  i could be a sour puss and just throw em in and call it quits... but i dont.  that silly giggle of hers keeps me going.  i put on my tight lipped poker face and go all in. 
that amazing feeling i get when she hugs me is enough to refuel my empty tank.

no my life is not a random adventurefest full of all of the amazing punk rock shenanigans, but it is full of more love than most know, more laughter and smiles and fun quirky moments than most experience in a lifetime.  and while most of these are small that most people would ignore them and pass them up as mere fragments of dust, these are the memories and moments that i look forward to, that keep me going, and that make my far from perfect, far from ideal life pretty damn amazing after all.