Friday, March 29, 2013

a disappointed insomniac's mental poetry

lucid dreams and insomnia.
that has been the past few nights for me.
today, 430am, wide awake, i got up, showered, got some coffee, and off i went.
i didnt know where i was going.

sometimes though, you just need to get in your car and go, drive in the blackened morning until the sun starts to pierce the midnight blue sky.  drive until you find a lonely side street in which to park your car and begin the mental escape.  sometimes you need to get out and go watch the world awaken.

but how ugly the busyness of the morning hours really is.  headlights chasing 9-5 dreams....for money
and things.  hatred for the cycle of what "is" and "has to be" begins to drown out the hopeful poet in love with solitude and quiet. 

slowly your body starts to succumb to the chill of the early spring morning.  the coffee that was meant to warm your hands is now tepid and no longer providing any solace but merely is a liquid to moisten your lips.  your thighs begin to numb and the faux fur lining of your winter boots does nothing but cushion your feet as they pound the pavement.  bikers tell you you're on the wrong side of right, but as the path narrows with ice and snow, you realize it's time to turn around and head to "the comfort of home."

what a joke that statement really is.

your lungs ache from the cold morning air and your thousandth "last cigarette" as your pace quickens.  you dispose of your empty paper cup and stare at your red, wind chapped hands wishing you'd brought some mittens or had a gloved hand to hold.  as your body slowly begins giving way and is nothing more than a hypothermic palindrome, it suddenly feels like your car is parked on the other side of the moon.

the sky gets brighter.  the romanticism and endless poetry of being alone with your thoughts has lost its luster.  morning looks so ugly alive with the working world.  your insides crave irresponsibility and adventure.  the heat of the car to warm your feeble fingers enough to type the rampant ramblings of your insomniac mind is heightened by sight of the hour at hand.  time to run.  reality is calling. 

i thought, perhaps, i would find some beauty in insomnia and watching the world come alive, but all i found is that the world is so ugly wide awake....
onto cartoons and cereal.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

girly cartoon thoughts

my eyes are legit burning.
my body feels like a decaying corpse.
but i cant sleep.

again my brain is going at warp speed and literally it's about absolute foolishness.
i watched UP last nite.
and it got me going in nerdy girl mode.
the opening scene makes me cry like for real tears.
it's so quirky to stare at the epitome of all that i want in life in cartoonish form.
a dorky little friend to hold hands with while reading.
a fellow nerd to gaze up into the sky and find shapes in the clouds.
someone to paint with and build with.
a buddy to adventure with and be silly with.

and at the end, he goes thru her adventure book and she'd left him a note thanking him for the adventure ....

and for some reason, in the racing thoughts of late night, that's all i really feel like having.
someone to call and be like "hey i cant sleep let's go exploring."
this is probably the girliest i will allow myself to get.

it's frustrating because i dont want the cliche bullshit.
i dont want marriage and the typical "relationship" type crap.
i dont want that and im not saying that to be convincing.
i want the little things that most take for granted- the little surprises that just let someone know youre thinking of them, spending time playing superheroes, flying kites, jumping in puddles, late night drives listening to music, staring at the clouds, laying around listening to old records on a rainy day....oddly, that is a relationship to me and i dont think any male person i have ever met gets that.  i dont want fancy shit and elaborate vacations.  i just want to be simple, dorky and sincere.  someone that can stop what they're doing and grab your hand and dance in the middle of the kitchen just cos they felt the urge.  no pressure, no fronts, no bullshit.  just the genuine desire to be around you because they want to and shamelessly feel like showing you.

i can only believe that some day my adventure buddy will pop his adorable little face in front of mine and say "hey you, let's go."
til then, i am awake, with racing brain, and girly cartoon thoughts.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

i am my own worst enemy...

... that phrase...
it kept on repeating in my head while i ran.
no music.
too clumsy to try to look at the tv while i ran at a speed much faster than normal.
alone with my thoughts, staring at my sweaty, red-faced self in the wall mirror.
how flattering.

but the downgrading thoughts of inability and the magnitude of fatigue hit me like mack trucks at every half mile interval...
and i realized that...
i convince myself that it is ok to cave and to quit.
i convince myself that im far less than what i really am.
i convince myself that "can't" and "don't" are acceptable vocabulary words.

what is worst of all is that I ACTUALLY BELIEVE THIS SHIT!!!
i SUBSCRIBE to it.
i listen to its daily podcast while i drink my evening scotch in my cozy armchair with dim lighting and a chocolate lab at my feet.

i mean.. seriously?
who actually enjoys living in a world where your self is made to be something so miniscule and insignificant?
who actually enjoys believing that they are less than everyone around them simply due to lack of recognition?

apparently i do?  or did?

it's bullshit.
it's absolute bullshit to wallow in that muck.
it's absolute bullshit to sell myself out to some cutting and manipulative bitch with daggers for words and bloody gums.

yes, she may appear bigger than me but...
it's all just a state of mind.
its all just a bit of perception.

what if in reality she isn't a 50 foot giant and IM actually the one towering over her, but because i see myself as 3 feet tall, that is how i act and that is what is...?

yeah maybe i sound loopy.
im fucking exhausted, i cant sleep, and my mind is racing.
im so sick of this self that i lead with.
it isnt me and it isnt right.

i am capable of far more than i let myself believe and it KILLS ME.
it kills me to realize all of the missed chances and opportunities because i believed the fears that said i would fail and fuck up and ruin everything.
it kills me to see all the places i should be right now but because i told myself over and over that i wasn't good enough to, i didnt.

the concept of buddhism that i appreciate the most is living in the now.
no, i dont agree with ALL of their ideology but that is a religious discussion and that is neither here nor there nor about anything im on a rambling spree for.

but the now.
now is all i have.
there is no guarantee for anything other than now.
i need to make the most of now.
of course there arent enough hours in the day for all that i want to do RIGHT NOW, but it is understanding that if something presents itself to the magnitude and quantity of shit i have turned down because i didnt believe in myself.... i cant do that anymore, unless i like sitting in a dimly lit room, in a cozy little arm chair, with my scotch and chocolate lab, listening to the droning voice tell me how little and incapable i am.
eh, while i do love some good liquor, a sedated dog, and a cozy chair..... no thank you.

so, while my current now needs to be filled with sleep, tomorrow is a now i fully intend to take by the hand and run with.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

the endurance of waiting...

i totally get bubs sometimes.
im impatient too.
actually, im super glad i have her cos she is teaching me everything i need to know to keep going.
it's funny what a 3 year old can do to you.
she teaches me that i need to be patient.
she teaches me that i need to let go of responsibilities and just be silly and LAUGH.
holy shit, laughter.
i think as we age, we sometimes get so caught up in bills and work and being something people expect of us that we forget to laugh until we hurt....or until we pee our pants.
i remember this one day we were at the playground and this hill was covered in leaves and i just rolled down the hill laughing my ass off.  the sound of it shocked my own ears.  i'd forgotten what that sound was really like.  and then bubs followed suit and the laughter was infectious and we were two giggling, leaf covered ninnies.

life gets so hard sometimes though.
you put effort and hope into things and into people and situations and they don't pan out how you expect.  your hopes are shattered and your cold, bitter heart shuts up for a while again and you have to learn to start all over from square one.  so many people hide out in that cold, dark cave of despair and just... give up.

maybe all this life is meant for is to teach us patience.
maybe we will spend our whole lives hoping and waiting and watching for the signs that things are going to finally go the way we want and imagine.  maybe life is just a test of endurance. 
life often gets compared to a race... a marathon or something if you will.
and i have to say, since ive been running lately, holy shit those quotes about endurance hit home.
there are so many times i see how far i have to go and my brain just goes, "UGHHHHHH."  my first thought is to turn the speed down and just walk the rest of the way on the treadmill. 
then a little nudge in the back of my head says, "kel, selling yourself short again?  go.  look how far you've gotten already!!  you can do it!  keep going!  the end isn't far off and you'll see how good you feel..." 
needless to say on a good day, i make it all the way through and yeah, i feel amazing.  i can look and see an improved time sometimes, but mostly, that i finished.

maybe all we are meant to do is endure and wait and hope.  maybe the wait is going to be a long time... and maybe our life is meant to encourage others along the way to reach their own finish line. 
life gets SO hard.  we live in a society of instantaneous satisfaction and if our 4G speed is less than that or our microwaves arent going as fast as our hunger is dictating... we get super impatient and angry and flustered. 

there's a beauty in patience and in waiting.  there's a beauty that just bludgeoned the most impatient person on the planet over the head...(that would be me).
there is more to life than that ONE thing that we're after.
if we spend so much time looking directly at the object of our admiration, the prize that we seek out to win.... we are missing out on so much more.
there are people around us.
beautiful people with stories and wounds and thoughts and feelings.
people with abilities and ideas so far outside the concept of our own understanding.
there is beauty in nature and art and film and music and just natural sounds.
there is so much more than what we WANT.
and maybe the endurance is to teach us to stop and look around and see how small our desires are compared to the bigger scope of things.

so yes, impatience.... it's very real and holy shit does it suck to wait.
but sometimes the best gifts are the unexpected.
sometimes inspiration comes from what normally has gone unnoticed.
maybe this test of endurance is merely to open our eyes to what life really is supposed to be- a whole lot more than us.

so yeah just some late night rambles and it is most likely due to medical grade cleaner that i am unintentionally inhaling.
thank you job.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

art therapy

so i went to therapy again today.
the whole ride over i had shit in my brain i was chewing on that i was all set to discuss.
i get there and she has a different idea.
this other therapist that had sat in on a session once who specializes in ADHD was doing something called "soul collaging" and she wanted to know if i was game for that today instead. 
um arts and crafts for an hour?  fuck YES i was down.

so, this lady showed me a few examples of what she'd done and then there was this paper where you had to answer certain questions about what the art was saying to you...  like what did it mean and deeper shit than gluing paper together.

so, i started cutting up magazines and the chit chat began.
i kind of was like mindlessly cutting things but i knew EXACTLY what i needed apparently.
without realizing it, i had made 2 collages (pictures to come at a later time) and had pretty much told my life story to this woman without realizing it.
sneaky sneaky bastard!
what was really even MORE astounding though, was that without realizing it or intending to, my collage was everything i had been wanting to discuss today and start working through.

funny how the subconscious works and processes when in the right environment.
and i started thinking AGAIN, about how surrounding yourself with the "wrong" people really hinders your personal growth and stops you from doing things you like to do.

i have two hefty books of collages that i kept from back in the day when art and music really WERE my self-appointed therapies.  i had cut up national geographics from the 70s up until now and some other various magazines and had like a gigantic file folder full of words and scenery and some pretty fucked up shit.  i threw it all away except for the finished products a while ago because, that was not something J liked and i gave up my whole self for J.  even before J that part of me started slipping because i was never dubbed "artistic" or "creative."  i was a kid with glue sticks and cut up magazines making a "mess."

somehow just sitting and chit chatting and cutting things up... i mean seriously she was like "i need to make a copy of this but the copier is broken so you can have it back next week."  she marveled at how beneath these pictures, there was an underlying flow of color that seamlessly blended unintentionally. 

it is kind of sad how i threw my whole self away for others, simply because i was wanting some form of acceptance and didnt find myself to be "enough" to hang around artists and musicians.

this is why im so so glad i have met the people i have met lately and love meeting even more new people.  from what ive seen so far, they are welcoming and accepting, they give a shit, they are AMAZINGLY creative in art and music and promotions, they are smart and like nerdy things, and they all have a story to tell and don't mind telling it.  i think that is my favorite part.  i feel like the ones that recognize that they have some bullshit in their past and some issues in their present and face it head on and live to tell the story after or during ... those are people i want to be around.  the ones that bring you to life simply by just being themselves and knowing who they are.

for so long i spent my time around people too afraid to be themselves and in turn, that fear was instilled in me.   and the beauty of it all is that was pretty much the essence of this collage.... light, eyes, a veil, hands, and some words i cant quite remember now (space cadet brain for life).

i remember knowing EXACTLY where everything was to fit and how at peace i felt with rubber cement, scissors, and some cardstock.

it's a lovely thing to embrace your struggles, embrace your life as imperfect as it may be, and just to live anyway.  the more you fight against it, the harder the struggle becomes and the more enclosed in your own personal hell you get.  no one wants to live there and that negativity and stress spreads like a terminal disease.

art therapy.
the most glorious thing about art is that it takes on SO many forms.
and understanding how ADHD works and how people with ADHD think and function has also helped me to begin just accepting myself, noticing when some moods hit, and now, HAVING TOOLS to know how to help that.  pens, paper, glue sticks and magazines, flour, butter, and sugar, a guitar and a capo... i have all of these amazing outlets to explore and put my bursts of energy or surges of anxiety to a productive use.  and that excites me.
it excites me to be around people that use that center of their brain as well and understand and know and are as transparent as i am learning to be.

so anyway, this collage...
it was all about perception... in fact, that was one of the words on it.  and something about conflict.
whether people want to admit it or not, everyone wants to be accepted for who they really are.  the real them that they dont show to anyone.  for so long i hid that person in fear.  fear of rejection and solitude.  fear of being misheard and misunderstood.
but we all have struggle.
we all seek an identity for ourselves.
we all want to be heard.
we all want to be loved for the little mess that maybe we are.
im not alone in those thoughts.
im not alone in those wants.
the more we try to fight it, the more skewed our perception of others gets, the more alone we feel, and the more conflict (internal and external) we end up having.

moral of the story friends....
it's ok to accept yourself, mess and all, because youre not the only one.
we all have hands and eyes and feet.
we're all on a dimly lit path to somewhere, hoping for the light at the end of the tunnel telling us that we've done well and are on our way to bigger and brighter.
we all really truly do want the same thing.

again, this is why i appreciate the amazing people ive met recently.
it's honestly been a huge help in just accepting myself and also seeing myself in a new light.
the things i used to do that sparked the creative side of my brain that brings clarity and peace from the ever racing and pressing thoughts i have... theyre resurfacing and im finding solace and comfort in them.  and for the first time in a really long time, i feel like a real person.  im not ashamed to say that for my 30th bday i want to have a field day and play kickball and fly kites and blow bubbles.  im not ashamed to admit that i have a few dinosaurs and legos that i do in fact like to play with.  im not ashamed to admit that yeah, i get super afraid of things and have feelings.

so yeah friends.... be careful who you surround yourself with and dont stifle yourself or your outlets for anyone else because it's misunderstood.  that's foolish.  why lose yourself for people?  if they dont like the real you, theyre not really worth investing time into anyway.  we're all the same.  regardless of title and social status.. we are all frail beings that want love and acceptance and a way to share who we are with the world around us.  i think im finding my way again...

Thursday, March 14, 2013

happy birthday little monkey pants

3 years ago today... 3 years and almost 2 days ago I was just trying to do laundry and thought I peed my pants.  I was in the hospital waiting for this little bugger to come out of me.  Then came the pitocin and no epidural (my own choice).  Hours of pain and struggle turned into this amazing moment where I got to meet the one causing the lumps in my stomach and the overwhelming sense to urinate.  The funny thing is that she didn't even cry really.  She just looked at me and I looked at her and I knew everything was going to be INCREDIBLY different from then on.  And it has.  No longer is life about me and my choices and no longer do I get to sleep in EVER or spend money on whatever I want.  I cant just come and go as I please and explore the world on a whim....

There are days it totally frustrates me yes, but there are days I look at it and smile.  I didn't really have a desire to be a mom, but bubs came at a point in my life where my life needed saving.  So, I'm glad to have her.  She is a constant reminder to strive for better and make my life have value and meaning. 

There are plenty of times she drives me bananas.  No seriously....  There are also plenty of times she makes me smile and laugh and snort.  She reminds me to just let go and have fun, to not be caught up in all the bullshit that is called "adult life" and to just .... well... dance.  She reminds me to just wear colors and shapes and not to give a fuck.  She reminds me to just be happy.

I never thought a little person that is relying on me for care and support would have changed my perspective on my entire life.  I want to be able to take her to shows and introduce her to art and music and freedom and creativity.  I want to be able to take her on adventures and travel.  I want her to know that while maybe I didn't have the opportunity to, she can just go somewhere on a whim.  For now, we just take driving adventures around Minneapolis and find hole in the wall spots to poke in.... and plus she's a great thrifting buddy.  :)

So this is life.  I have a 3 year old monkey pants.  Her smile lights up the room.  Her voice makes my heart happy.  Her excitement can give me a headache but it's also contagious.  Her sense of style and adventure is life-giving.  She loves music and dancing and imagining.  She is empathetic and caring and loves making sure everyone is taken care of.  She is outgoing and wants to make a new best friend at every place we go.  She is friendly and loving and reminds me to be the same. 

While my life may not be exactly how I wanted it to be....sitting here watching her put on Elmo slippers while watching Dora.... my life is exactly how it's supposed to be... and I have this little 3 year old monkey pants to thank.  Bubba, you are AMAZING!!!

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

self talk

that was what today was all about.
and if you say you dont talk to yourself youre full of poo.
we all have mental conversations, just some of us choose to ignore those "voices" ....
they don't need to be ignored but moreso sifted out from what is truth and what is our past experiences trying to rule over logic.
so today, today i recognized a lot of the reason i am the way i am is by the things i say about myself and to myself and the things i choose to listen to and dub, "logic."

so my homework is to stop saying things out loud that are not helpful and kind to myself.
my homework is to decipher when my past is trying to control my present and what is actually a logical thought.

i have a very keen hunch this is not going to be easy.
growing up in an environment where there was a lot of negative speak, gossip, and just really mean people my age, that is what i've been preconditioned to understand.
but just because that has been a part of me for so long doesnt make it true.

bear with me friends....
and if youre on the same road i am, take the same advice:

just like i need to understand, you ARE NOT what people say to you.  aaaaand if you don't really know WHO you are, take the time to learn it.  you are valuable and important just as much as everyone else.

so yeah, be kind to yourself.
speak kind words- to others, but especially yourself.
words are more powerful than you realize.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

outside assessments

im taking a moment to sit my sweaty ass on my bed that has sheets that need to be washed anyway to take a brief minute to ... well... DEbrief.

ive been making a lot of changes to my life lately.  mostly having to do with the way i think and the way i view myself.  becoming more aware of the voices and thoughts that i am listening to and weeding out the lies from the truth.

it's hard tho.
it's hard when you've had so much outside perspective tell you that you are one way and your insides are fighting those voices because they don't want to believe it but eventually, you get weak, cave, and have this very skewed perception of yourself that isn't true.

life is all about the people you surround yourself with, and, no offense to anyone in particular, i have  not been always surrounding myself with the right people.  (im getting better tho and really thankful to all the new friends i have made and people i am continuing to meet.)

going to therapy, even just for two sessions so far, has helped me realize that sadly, i was just conditioned to a way of thought and belief about myself that wasn't true.  some of that comes from family, and not being encouraged growing up, had a lot to do with my current psyche.  also, being the chubby new kid nearly every year cos we moved around so much growing up, probably wasn't helpful either.  i never thought much about myself and didn't believe i was smart or pretty or funny or interesting or could do much of anything.

that is NO way to live life.
im here for a purpose and a reason and while i may not know what it is yet, there is one.

so it started with splitting with J.
it also started with going back to school in a field i thought i was too stupid for previously.

so now... now i see someone once a week and we talk.
just sitting there talking out loud, i can hear how foolish and degrading a lot of my self talk really is.  i can see how i over-process and enlarge the most miniscule things.

today i went to meet with a personal trainer and get a fitness assessment as part of my 30 day trial to a gym.  yeah i trained jiu jitsu  and did some muay thai and judo, but because everyone was always better than me and had more time to devote to training and even OUTSIDE training, i never thought i was any good and didn't think much of myself.  also, having a kid and growing up the chubby kid doesn't do wonders for your self image if youre a girl.

but to read on paper my body fat %, my BMI, to get weighed, to have my cardio and strength assessed.... im actually in quite better shape than i thought.  to have a person who spent time to understand body composition and health and fitness let me know im strong and capable and have great endurance too was really reassuring.  then came time to setting goals, and i was surprised to hear how REALISTIC mine were.

for the first time it's not about some bullshit number on a scale and in my jeans that im after.  for the first time i just want to be healthy.  i want my outsides and insides to be in complete sync with each other and it is DO-ABLE!

i also made a goal by end of august/early sept to run a 5k.  mind you when i set this goal on paper i had no idea how many miles that was and the trainer said, "instead of focusing on a time, let's just say that in 90 days, you can complete it."

well, that wasn't good enough for competitive me.  after i was dismissed, i hopped on the treadmill and started to go.... granted, yes, my time was awful, but i guessed while i was going that a 5k was about 3 miles (after i googled it and saw it was close to 3.2, so i wasnt far off)... and i did it!  horrible time, but i completed it.

i short change myself horribly.
after i got off the treadmill, sweaty and out of breath, i took a minute to step back and give myself a high five.  every time i wanted to quit running (i actually RAN most of it!), i took a deep breath and realized i could keep going.  it was like this inner war where i got some more ammo and took a shot at the negative army in my brain and killed another soldier.  it is actually so personally empowering to see how horrible my thoughts were toward myself and to watch the lies dissipate and the truth emerge.

so im actually amazingly excited about the steps im taking to change my thought pattern.
im excited for what this can do for me personally, yes, but also for the better impact i can have on the people around me as well.  it's actually really sad  how we beat ourselves up MERCILESSLY and NEEDLESSLY... DAILY!

moral of the story friends, be kind to yourself.
it isn't wrong to love and encourage yourself at all.
yes a large ego is disgusting, but just to know that you can do more than you think and to speak positive words- it makes a HUGE difference on how you act.

so take a minute today and give yourself a high five.
think outside of the scope of how you usually see yourself.
youre probably a lot better and stronger and more capable than you really know or realize.
sometimes it just takes the deep breath, collecting your thoughts and oxygen, and seeing that you pushed yourself just a bit farther than you thought you could and realizing that those self-limiting thoughts were nothing more than lies and bullshit.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

session #2

so, like i said, im taking you all (whatever figurative "you" and "all" that may entail) on my journey as i go to therapy and deal with shit i have never thought to face before.
sometimes all it takes is that outside perspective to put your racing brain to rest and affirm some of the truths that your rambling has brought about.

yesterday i learned a lot more about ADHD.  i was diagnosed with it in december and before learning about ADHD i assumed i was just immature, space cadet-ish, out there, and just not meant for the world that we live in.  that, im assuming, is why i was a miserable little creature growing up.  a second therapist sat in on my session (which of course i was thinking, holy shit why are there 2 of you now?!?!  am i that nuts?!?!) who specializes in ADHD because her husband and son are that way.

the more i learn about ADHD, the more im understanding that my brain and thoughts just function differently than most.  i don't see in numbers and letters and figures and order.  granted, i thrive on structure and organization, but that is mostly due to how i was conditioned as a youngster.  in all of the uncertainties i am facing right now, my brain is resorting to the safety i knew as a child in that regards.  my happiest.... my absolute, utmost, HAPPIEST times are when i am free.... when i can go to the playground with bubs and roll down hills or blow bubbles, when i can make a fort in the living room and eat lunch in there with her, when i just drive and go exploring, when i am throwing paint on the wall or drawing with bathtub crayons in the shower, when im baking cupcakes and coming up with new concoctions, when im playing music or dancing or writing.... these are the times i feel at peace with the world and myself. 

for so long, i was feeling guilty for taking a few days here and there to hang out with friends and not work or i was feeling guilty for ignoring some housework to be a human and interact with others.  i feel guilty if bubs doesnt have a spotless house but then also feel guilty for not paying as much attention to her and being the silly, fun mom i really want to be.

so that is what we discussed last nite.... an appreciation of self.
i cant recall all of the details that we talked about since my ADHD brain and mouth were in full swing, but what i do remember is leaving her office and walking toward the elevator with this light feeling and a huge smile on my face (which after the day i had of my phone and laptop shitting out on me at the same time was a miracle in itself).  i felt peaceful and happy.  why?
because i realized for the first time that this is me.
the things about me that people always strayed from and called "weird" or "immature,"  the things my parents never encouraged or fostered, they're ME.  and no, to the rest of the world they are not "NORMAL," and no, i never got any words of affirmation or appreciation for me as a person, but i dont need anyone else to accept and love me but me.  that is the reality.  the real thing that needs to happen before anything else in my life can move forward and change is that i need to love and accept me, for ME.

i remember one thing we honed in on was that i constantly feel like i have to be doing and accomplishing things, yet when i DO, i never even give myself ONE WORD of props.  i never step back and go, "hey, totes did that."  i just push on to the next thing.  that's how i was brought up.  i was brought up to put my head down, nose to the grind and just go go go go go.  maybe that's a product of living in the city that never sleeps (good ol NY), and maybe it has to do with the fact that my parents were always working and busy and doing stuff and things...but regardless... im my own person now.  im nearly 30 years old and while i encourage my daughter and praise her for accomplishing the smallest of tasks, i forget that i still need to hear that too.

we are bred as a society to either stray from self all together, or to be entirely selfish as a whole.  there's no learned balance.  there's something im missing and that is my homework for the week.... to find a few kind words for myself, to take a step back at the end of the day and be like "look at what i did today!  awesome shit!" 

im not used to receiving compliments.  it's really really hard for me.  i hadnt gotten many if any for most of my life and lately the more im learning to just let the walls down and open up to people and let people let their guards down around me and open up as well, they have been coming .... the biggest one that makes me tear up to no end is when people look at bubs and tell me im a good mom.  i dont know that i had the BEST example from my own and i am just working so hard to give bubs the love and encouragement and support i dont feel like i had growing up.  so for people to look at her and tell me she's beautiful and smart and funny and empathetic and well mannered and imaginative and talented... when people tell me im doing a good job... i cry like a lil kid.  it's hard to take.  it's nothing fleeting like "oh your hair is nice," or "you look pretty" or some shit like that.  this is a reflection of work im intentionally doing to make sure that she is a good little human and a benefit to the world around her.  i want her to be loving and giving and have a heart for those around her... and she does.  i think that may be the hardest hurdle for me tho...

this whole appreciation of self thing is easier said than done.  im trying with little things such as "oh i made the kitchen shiny" or "i folded that laundry hella tight."  maybe some day i will be able to take the bigger ones such as "kelly youre a good mom," or "kelly youre a really warm and welcoming person."  i'll get there.  one little step at a time.

it was also nice to have both of the therapists tell me that possibly due to all my blog rambling that i actually know all of the incrimental steps i need to take to get where i need to be, i just need a little help piecing them all together.  for the first time, i am trying super hard to not be focused on the finish line and final product that is ME at my best and the way im meant to function in society.  for once im trying to not worry about what mark im leaving on the people around me and just realizing, there are steps to take and ill get there one at a time.  even if you try sprinting to your final destination, it still takes putting one foot in front of the other.... so no matter the speed at which i get there, it still takes steps. 

im actually quite excited.  im actually appreciating my quirks and my nature.  no one has to accept it but me.  for the first time, i think i actually am, and for the first time, i think i may have a perma-smile all day.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

i had another weird moment.

suddenly it occurs to me as i am waking up one of my residents to use the bathroom that... i dont give a fuck.
not i dont give a fuck about him, but about all these nagging thoughts....

i like being nice.
i like being polite.
i like to smile.
i like waving and high fives.
i like sharing what i have with people.
i like having peoples' backs even if they would never ever have mine.
i like to help.
i like meeting new people and making new friends.
i like hanging out with people and getting to know them and hear their stories and learn about their lives.
and yes, i like texting people to see how theyre doing or make stupid comments and jokes to hopefully remind them to take a break and smile....

and yet, MANY will view me as fake, phony, creepy, weird, and not worth their time.

that's fine.

why oh why oh why why why would i even begin to think of toning myself down or changing myself at all?  i am who i am and im proud of that.  the world needs more  laughter.  the world needs more high fives.  the world needs more people who care less about how they are received and more about spreading smiles like whores spread stds. 

so, no, you dont have to like me.  you dont have to want to know me or be around me or give a shit to ever really see me outside of me asking how you are in passing.  and im ok with that.  people will come and go but ill always have me.  and just because the world has forgotten how to be kind and polite and to not act so elitist and just be welcoming to all because we ALL have stories and struggles and have ALL been left out and abandoned and hurt..... that doesnt mean i wont be.

so take me or leave me.  this is me.
ill make you birthday cards and probably buy you balloons even tho i barely know you.
ill bake you cupcakes just cos i feel like it.
ill ask you to go exploring at a random hour because it seems like a good idea.
ill text you gibberish or a picture of cankles because i think you need a laugh.

so yeah world... thats that.  back to work.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

my dorky little robot boy

oh i try to act tough and like im above relationships as a whole, but really deep down, im a total mush.... the robots on my chest had a meaning that i felt so strongly about that i got it tattooed for all the world to see.  yeah ive had some bad interactions with the male gender as of late, but im still holding out for my dorky little robot boy....
who are you dorky robot boy... like to think....

youd draw me nerdy pictures just to be cute.
youd drive with me to the middle of nowhere at random hours to sit in silence and stare up into the sky.
youd lay with me in the grass on a warm day finding shapes in the clouds.
youd read me bedtime stories when im sick.
youd fly kites with me.
youd eat dinosaur shaped pb&j's and have our dinosaurs battle.
youd accept that im a single mom and not be panicked by it.
youd be my best friend.
youd want to go on adventures and explore.
youd pick me flowers just because.
youd randomly hold my hand just for a surprise.
youd make me a "mixtape" of some sort.
youd challenge me on every level.
youd teach me things.
youd learn from me.
youd encourage me.
youd let me encourage you.
youd jump on the bed with me.
youd build forts with me.
youd dance with me- silly or slow.
youd do your own laundry.
youd never leave me second guessing.
youd never "backburner" me.
youd have your own life and let me have mine but never let me doubt it for a second.
youd be a voice for the voiceless.
youd be a cheer-er for the underdog.
youd stand up for the beaten down.
youd have convictions and beliefs and make them known.
youd share your thoughts and opinions with me regardless if i disagreed.
youd be dorky.
youd be honest and real and not afraid to hear feelings or share your own.
youd not be using me as a filler til you "found what you wanted."
youd be ok to just cuddle sometimes.
youd let me be me in all my dorkiness.
youd know how to make food and not expect me to do everything.
youd love to laugh and smile.
youd let me fix things sometimes even if it takes me the whole day.
youd be carefree and teach me to let go.
youd want to grow and change and be a better version of yourself every day.
youd build a treehouse with me.
youd be randomly thoughtful.
youd find my random thoughtfulness nice and not creepy.
youd be upfront and say what you mean.
youd be simple and happy with a life of that, not wanting bigger and better and MORE MORE MORE.
youd like tattoos.
youd like robots and balloons.
youd like bouncy castles and good beer.
youd appreciate that i like whiskey more than most men.
youd teach me how let someone be nice to me and be patient with me while i learn.

so dorky little robot boy.... those are all the things i hope youll be.
back to homework.

Friday, March 1, 2013


the constant feelings of never being good enough, never being liked, never making it, never amounting to anything that anyone could or would be proud of, not making a difference, only adding to the problem, forcing negativity and hate instead of birthing love and harmony, never being enough, failing, always constantly failing, and in this minute that my fingers type what my tired mind is speaking without a break for punctuation or breathing i can only hear the echoing voices of my family from the past when i was around 3 or 4 or 8 or 10 or 15 or even 23.... that im not smart, that im not amounting to anything, that im not talented or special or pretty, that im not good enough, that i dont have talent, that im wasting my time and my money.... i see all the half hearted attempts at things i wanted to do or be and i feel as if those voices are what stopped me from fully believing, from really trying wholeheartedly with my best effort and i wonder if i hadnt had those voices in my brain where i might be now
and so the thoughts slow right now as background noise distracts me and my eyes are drooping an hour before i need to leave for my shift...

where would i be if i didnt bow and cower to all the naysayers?
what would i have become if i didnt believe them?
is there a real reason why now of all times i am becoming aware to all of this?

deep breath....
now is now for a reason.
all i can do is take what ive been through, take what ive experienced, take what i know and use it... fight for the underdog, fight for the weak, fight for the tired, inspire, create, and believe.... lift up the beaten down, fill minds and lives with positivity and encouragement......
maybe my journey has been all it has so far to break someone's cycle before it's too late...

maybe ill never know the impact i make on someone's life
maybe ill never know what my scars and sad stories have done for someone else, but.... all i can do is put myself out there, stand up for the voiceless, and be the me im learning exists.

i cant wait for the day when i can stare all of the negative voices in the eyes and tell them to shut the fuck up and they will know the authority in my voice and run screaming.... that day is coming.  i feel like im finally taking positive measures and steps to get there.  im tired of fighting a losing battle being ill equipped because im too arrogant and proud to ask for help.

HUMILITY is not a bad word.
in fact, it is the most beautiful word i have ever heard.
it is a word that is changing and shaping the very life i assumed was something so bleak and worthless.
sometimes a hand of help is all it takes to get you going again.... and ive hit the ground running with no signs of tiring or stopping.....

the guilt cycle

i said i would take you (whatever figurative or literal "YOU" im talking to) on my journey through the world of CBED and all the other things that therapy is revealing.

well, today.... today was really really bad.
yesterday i had no desire to really eat beyond any normal amounts, i felt pretty great, hung out with people, and all around the day was what i assume "normal" should be.
today tho.... some unknown stressor began to pick at me and my anxiety levels began to rise.  with each wave of anxiety, my legs found their way to the kitchen. 

the thing about CBED that most don't understand, is that sometimes it's not even a conscious behavior.  sometimes i sit back down to my homework or whatever and im like "wait a minute.... when did i eat THAT?"

then, by recapping my day of binging, i feel guilty and horrible and disgusting.  that sparks another wave of anxiety and.... yeah the guilt cycle rages on.

i see my therapist again on tuesday night and really hope we take some more time focusing on this. 
also i have a gym membership now and am attempting to wake up in time to meet up with a trainer tomorrow to set a schedule for me to work out.  maybe the anxiety will subside if i am running my stress away.

so yeah, today was an epic fail. 
tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a bit more controlled than today.

compulsion is a horrible thing, especially with compulsive binge eating.
again, it sucks cos half the time i dont even REALIZE im doing it and then when i do i feel guilty for so many reasons aside from even like the whole "omg im fat" bullshit most girls spew.  most often i feel guilty cos a large population of people have ZERO to eat and im like using food as an anti-anxiety agent.  it's like sleepwalking or something.

but yes, tomorrow... im going to try to wake up after my overnite to get to the gym during staffed hours and going on finding a release for my anxiety.  hopefully meeting with my therapist will help to pinpoint that major stressor that causes me to flip the switch and become a fridge zombie.

im taking the right steps to combat this shit and hopefully soon i can get healthy mentally and physically. 

i dont think anyone will ever really know or understand how horrible this eating disorder really is unless theyre in it.  it's not just eating out of boredom or eating to overindulge.  it is this horrible cycle of guilt and this oppressive behavior that is outside of your control.  at least that's how it feels - out of control.  i know i can beat this but for right now... today's been a really bad day and i am hoping i can get to a place where this is not the ruling factor over my life and  mind.

there's so much more to me than i know that is being dictated by negative thoughts and imagery of self compiled with a compulsion you do not understand....

so dear reader, sigh, one day at a time regardless if it was successful or not, right?  :(