Saturday, December 28, 2013

end of another year or beginning of a new decade?

so 2013 is coming to a close and i no longer have my overnight shift at the group home to dwell on my previous year on the eve of the new one.
so this year, a few days early, i am writing a most drab little blurb about the past year while bubs naps and apparently i cant stop dreaming about soy sauce.

i dont do resolutions.
in fact, i don't really make goals.
i think.
i reflect.
and if you know me well enough, i ramble.
oh my good golly i can ramble.

this year i turned 30.  that is a very different age than anything in my 20's could have prepared me for.  i got to experience half of 2013 as a late twenty-something and the other half as a thirty year old.

i started out believing age was just a number and that i was me and i was unstoppable.
30 proved me wrong.
i started out believing i could party and be a dumbass and come and go as i please with no feelings or pain or relationship fouls.....
30 proved me very wrong.

i started out this year so hopeful, began to believe this was the worst year of my life, and now i am ending understanding that the ebb and flow of things... the peaks and valleys, highs and lows, excitements and tragedies are all a part of this beautiful existence we daily get to witness.

i got to be a part of so many different peoples' lives be it for a moment or for the whole year with promise of more.  i got to experience pain and excitement with others and on my own.

so captain ramblepants, what did you learn?
some funny things:
-gym memberships are bunk
-i like eating and that is OK
-don't eat your feelings cos your grocery bills skyrocket and your jeans wont fit the next week
-no is an ok word to say unless it's to coffee.... there's always room for coffee
-dont fear color
-blow bubbles in the house
-cut off all your hair just because
-having a kid is a great excuse to get out of stupid shit you dont wanna do
-twitter is just not for me.... in fact, im not the largest fan of the interwebs any more
-READ A BOOK
-tell someone you like them even if it's multiple times and amounts to nothing but making them blush

some serious stuff i learned:
-BE HONEST.... one tiny little white lie could ruin very innocent intentions and just telling the truth could be the greatest bridge the expanding gap needed
- LOVE YOURSELF.... i have battled, not just struggled, with my body and my identity and just who i am as a person and i came to find this year IT IS ALL BULLSHIT.  we live in a very vain and narcisistic society that prides itself on this NEED to get attention for looks.   i would like to be healthy and not to fit into smaller jeans, lose the stomach pooch i got from being pregnant, or for some asshole to like me.  i realized the first step to actually even BEING healthy or having the ability to upkeep good self health is to LOVE YOURSELF.  stop critiquing every little thing about yourself or what you said or did or how it was received by others.  SELF HEALTH is important.... more important than a tiny waist.
-spend time with those you love.  shut the computer and phone off for like 15 min and listen to a kid and you will realize they hold the key to truly living.
-STOP!!!! stop worrying about things that are outside of your control.  stop worrying about things you cant change and shit, STOP WORRYING ABOUT MONEY!  there will never be enough, tough times will always be had, and most bills will probably  be late or unpaid for a few months.  bill collectors will always be calling and that is that.  it wont be forever tho.  it's just for right now.  do you REALLY want to spend your whole life stressing about something you cant control?  i mean, shit, i work and get paid and kind of get some child support but sadly being a single mom means one income and the expenses for two outweigh the income of one.  that's just how it is and i can only do so much.
-LAUGH!  HAVE FUN!  BE SIMPLE!!   ENJOY THE ONES THAT TRULY LOVE YOU!!!
-DO NOT EVER let people walk all over you.  STAND UP FOR YOU because if you don't no one ever will and YOU matter.

so yeah those are a little nuggets that have impacted me greatly.
im mostly beyond thankful to end this year with beautiful new friends that appreciate and love me for ME.  i can be quiet and a hermit.  i can be loud and strange.  i can just BE ME and that is OK with them.  we are there for each other in good times and sad times and bad times.  we crack jokes and have laughs.  they are thoughtful and beautiful souls that i am so extremely glad to know.  im beyond thankful for a new roommate who happens to fit the above description.
more than anything, i am thankful for my partner in crime.  this lil bubs has taught me about what love really means, what sacrifice means, and how rewarding it is to be a mom.  dont get me wrong, she is a pain in the ass a lot of times, causes me stress and headaches, and def gives me a sore throat from time to time from having to repeat myself but.... that kid.  sometimes she just gives me a look or does something goofy and i realize that i may not have everything in my life organized and clean and just right, but i am loved more than one person should be and i think that gives me a one up on many!

so, reflect on your good and bad year and hopefully yours ends with some positive reflections or my own sappy reflections help you realize some good moments in a year of possible bad ones.

love in this new year.  be kind in this new year.  yes to others but holy shit TO YOURSELF TOO!!!!  we are sometimes our own worst critics and so fucking mean to ourselves.  we cause our own misery and pain.  i recall myself saying "i wish someone was nice to me" too many times this past year and the reason i kept repeating it was because I WAS THE  MEANEST OF ALL and spent more time with myself than anyone else.  be brave in this new year.  take chances, open yourself up to new and good things that you fear.  i know im going to try to.  im going to.

im not sure if all of these newfound reflections have to do with the end of this year or the beginning of my new decade but regardless... hope you enjoyed cos if it has to do with either.... we're in luck?  so that being said, merry 2014 everyone (a little early). 

Saturday, December 14, 2013

SHUT UP KELLY!!!!

i must say i am slightly embarrassed at some of my previous posts...
i learned a major lesson today.
i talk TOO MUCH.

i talk and i am a really poor listener.
it was eye opening to look at someone's face while they spoke.... someone i care about so much and so honestly.... and to see the hurt and the fear and the sadness in their face.... to listen to the words they were saying and trying to say and to understand how hard it WAS for them to say....

i feel so ashamed at myself.
so ashamed for being so close minded and opinionated and selfish with my perceptions.
i would like to live in this humility more often because it definitely brought me back to a place where i want to appreciate others and let them know how much they mean to me.... to truly LISTEN to others and feel their joy or pain or excitement.

that's the kind of life i want to live.
one where i SHUT UP more.

Monday, December 9, 2013

better off dead

i should have let it die.
it was better off dead.
and now i wait expecting and hoping for some small morsel of an answer.
i get lies.
i get excuses.
i get fragrant and delicately played out patterns of word and malice of forethought.
i get bullshit.


i stand over this rotting carcass expecting it to come to life and tell me the story of its demise.
i expect some beautifully tragic story that will tug at my heartstrings and cause pity to flow from my eye sockets.
i stare long and hard enough that i cause it to move.
i cause it to come alive.

this mirage.
this dancing image where nothing remains.
nothing but a cold, lifeless corpse.

it's gray and cold and foggy.
the only color escapes between your lips.
like the beacon of light from a lighthouse luring ships in to safety.
yet that smile is hiding a demon.
only i seem to see you for what you are because i bear the scars from your razor sharp teeth.
your razor sharp teeth that i let sink into my skin for one too many moments.

and i hurt.
i stare at the scars and i hurt.
i remember what you so quickly and easily forgot.
you played the part so well.

but once the play ended, you had no need to know the lines.
the right things to say and the directions telling you how to be were no longer necessary.
you faded.
you faded so quickly.
end scene.

an insomniac's ramblings

i cant sleep.
i mean, ok, i was asleep for 4 whole hours and woke up to sneezing and a burning throat, but ....
just lately....

lately you cause my mind to race and not at all in the good way.
lately i can't stop thinking of my blind stupidity.
lately i cant stop imagining your smug and vacant glare....
your faux-furrowed brown of discontent.
how my words just ricocheted off of your cold and calloused heart and like pointed arrows, came back and pierced my warm flesh.
your curt and brief words like daggers in your palm easing themselves gently beneath my shoulder blade tearing a seamless line down my back.
how carefully and gently you ease it downward.
you whisper "shhhh...." while i gasp in the horrified shock.
and then i gasp for air.
i claw at the water above my head like a panicked woman drowning.
i fight and i climb in a desperate attempt to find some source of life.
i lie on cold concrete, gravel beneath my fingertips.
i lie on cold concrete, tracing the grooves of the pavement finding eloquent patterns and hoping for some cryptic message etched in stone.
i search for the words that everything is going to be alright.
i scour my findings for the urban legend of the girl who got back up.
why am i down here? i find myself wondering aloud.
why do i even care?
there is salve for the wound in my back.
there are sutures to mend my lacerations.
there is nothing to ease my fall but there is so much to help me back up.
why am i still down here?  i find myself wondering aloud.
why do i even care?
you are one of many.
you are one of many but i am rare.
covered in scars and bruises, i have stories.
each scar represents one of your kind that has been so reckless and cruel.
you are a lemming.
in the end you will plummet to your fate and hit the uncomfortable bottom.
you will find yourself on this same, cold concrete tracing grooves in the pavement searching for some hopeful message etched in stone.
you are a lemming for today still.
a lemming with a mouth full of arrows and your faux-furrowed brow of discontent.

maybe im a masochist

so im sanding down some old shitty pieces of a bookshelf to make new wall mounted shelves for my books and clear up some clutter.
i am covered in dust and began to think of what sanding really does...
scraping the surface and exposing the fibers of the wood for something fresh and new.
but still the old hangs around... this dust just covering things until the wood and all remaining surfaces are wiped clean...

i told him everything.  every word i typed out for like 4 pages came out.  i sound like an idiot girl but i realized that's what i am.  i am someone that cares more than they should and cant figure out why....
maybe im just a masochist.
maybe i just crave this pain to feel normal.
i've gotten so used to being on the defense that ever letting anyone in and close is foreign.
not being on the continuous defense doesnt feel right.

i went back through old messages he'd sent and apparently i'd said this all before in july.
i guess i am a masochist for opening this can o worms again.
i guess i want answers and not excuses.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

what does the word DATE even mean anymore?

frankly i am appalled.
where am i meeting these self righteous arrogant .... dicks?
is it really a common thing now a days to whip your shit out to any girl that says she'll come over for a drink?

what happened to the days of asking a girl out on a friday or saturday night and taking her out and treating her like a PERSON?
yes im all for being equals and the man not shouldering the cost of the whole date but.... shit, cant a guy even offer to take me somewhere other than his room?

i realized something last night while in an awkward position....
im better than this.
i deserve better than this.
if someone doesn't want anything to do with getting to know ME as a real live person.... if someone has no interest in ME as a whole human with thoughts and opinions.... FUCK OFF.

i don't need to be treated like a pocket pussy.
they make those and sell those if that's what someone is after.
i have more value than a suctioning piece of latex or whatever it's made out of.

for now, i will drown my disgust and lose myself in music and coffee.
im growing hopeless that someone will be kind enough to take me on a real date and want to get to know the real me and let me get to know them as well, but... maybe ill be surprised one day.
til then, im on a very serious hiatus.

if you insist you want to get to know ME, newsflash: the real ME is not between my legs beneath my underpants. 
the end.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

he agreed

he agreed to meet me.
i swore i wouldnt talk to him anymore but there is so much bottled up inside of me that a text message cant convey.
plus i think he got off easy and cowardly.
i want to see his face when i tell him he is a liar.
i think that is the only satfisfaction i want out of this word exchange and return of a paperback book from the 70s.

i guess that's how you know you cared for someone more than you intended... the hurt.
the shock.  the aftermath of the storm.  the sight of the wreckage.
the hurt feelings.

how someone can go from wanting to see where things go, to avoiding you in public, to lying right to your face.... that doesn't deserve to get off easy.
all of my words are bottling up inside of me to the point where i find myself saying them out loud.... like a rehearsal for the big show.
i imagine myself tossing the book on some table after my closing point and turning away to go leaving him there speechless.
now, i know that is overdramatic and unrealistic and definitely won't happen but...
good god.

i hate when people get off so easy.
i hate when people fear confronting someone because they're hot or they don't wanna start something.
when you lie directly to my face, stone cold sober with your stand on the situation.... that my friends is what you call LE BULLSHIT.
im from NY. 
LE BULLSHIT is not tolerated.
we call it like it is and expect others to do the same.
i live in MN.
i live in a land of ten thousand lakes and passive aggressive tendencies.
where we smile courteously and talk shit secretively.
no thank you MN.
no thank you indeed.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

giving thanks...

an empty bottle of wine, an empty bag of tostitos, and 3 cigarettes later im staring at a basket full of clean laundry that needs to be folded.
ive yet to shower or leave my bed for the past 6 hours.
ive done some soul searching today and realized a few things.

i, my friends, am a fake.
i pretend that i am some independent tough guy. 
i pretend i like this metallic casing and i dont.
i pretend i hate all things gushy and romantic and i dont.

i did learn today that i like who i am.
i am funny and smart and dare i say even beautiful.
and when the right time comes, someone will respect that and appreciate that as much as i do in this moment right now.
until then, i wont bend or cave for anyone, no matter how physically appealing and full of compliments they may be.
but im willing to let someone past the metal gate if they're worth it..... eventually.

til then, im going to enjoy this buzz and a little thing i missed called SELF RESPECT.

merry giving thanks day all.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

ahem....

it's funny.... no, probably more taxing and wearing, but.... anyway... it's those things... how so many close people can tell you the same thing over and over again and you're full of delirium and excuses as to why your viewpoint is better on some pretty toxic situations. 
and then it happens. 
a kind stranger makes a comment and there you have it.
this snowball effect of actions that have been delayed far past their prime are taking flight and making a glorious path. 

and all it took was a stranger.
all it took was someone random pointing out the very obvious truth.

so this path is a week old now.
i find myself entirely less tolerant of bullshit.
yes, some may find my new persona slightly bitchy, but i had a realization today.

it was in a moment of sweat and torment while running after not having run in 8 months.
i looked up into the mirror in front of the treadmill and saw my bouncing fluffball of a ponytail, my pink cheeks, and my tired, so so tired eyes.
i was about to start making some comment about my thighs or my under eye bags when i realized the most horrifying of realizations.

i blame other people for what i project that i deserve.

the only reason i have had shitty people in my life is because i have allowed it.
the only reason i have been so passive and quiet when these assholes treat me poorly is because i believe that i deserve poor treatment.
the only reason others are critical and snarky toward me is because i am critical and snarky toward myself.
seldom are the kind words and encouraging friends because seldom am i that way toward myself.

with eyes focused on how slow the seconds were ticking away against my mental goal of running another 10 minutes, i found myself about to mentally start cutting myself down, reminding myself i became so sloth-like because of my own laziness and blah blah blah when this tiny little voice came out of nowhere.  this little "ahem..." came from the back of my mind and began to speak kindly.... and i finished those last 10 minutes.

the reason this year has gotten so bad is because of me.
it is because i have allowed far too many people to speak unkind words about me or to me.
i have allowed people to treat me like i am cheap and small.
i have allowed circumstances to dictate who i am.
i chronologically began to process my thoughts and actually figured out that around the time i stopped exercising is the time i started letting other areas of my life slide.

and that's just not ok.

last week i wanted to sleep until the new year in hopes it would be different.
now im deciding that i will not let circumstances or people have the power to dictate who i am.
i am making a conscious decision to put myself first regardless of how lonely it may make me.
i'm ending this year on a higher note.
im enrolled in school and on my slow path to being a scientist.
im making positive changes and no longer letting men use me, treat me like im insignificant and irrelevant, or disrespect me with lies and cheap flattery.
im making positive changes and realizing quality of friends trumps quantity and sadly, not many that i know right now are actual friends.

so im grateful for today.
im grateful for the clarity that running gave me and no more excuses.
excuses made me miserable and angry and im leaving that behind me today.

thank you "ahem" moment. 

Sunday, November 17, 2013

one is not such a bad number

so needless to say yesterday was not a high note for me.
it was a really bad day.
i made a hard decision and wallowed in sadness and bacon fat.

i set myself a time limit on feeling bad tho.  by midnight i had to stop.
by midnight i had to let it go and wake up new.
and i did.

i went and got coffee with an old friend.
i went to get bloody marys and brunch with a new friend.
i ate and ate and ate until i looked pregnant.
i watched the same movie twice just because i could.

i saw the sun peering through a chunk of gloomy clouds.  it illuminated golds and oranges through the contrasting dark gray and navy colors of the clouds where it found small holes. 
i saw this and felt alright again.
even though there is sadness and darkness and some gloomy days, there's always a break.
i love nature for that reminder.
it's so simple and for that im really grateful. 
im thankful nature speaks to me like this.

im happy for today.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

35 minutes left

I gave myself 35 minutes more of feeling this horrible.  I feel like someone scraped my chest with a cheese grater and has rubbed salt and citric acid in at the same time. 
I believed you and you turned out to be a fine actor and the greatest liar. I said goodbye but I really want to shake you to a normal state where you're not obsessed with this stupid popularity game. where you and I  hang out and goof on shit and talk and debate. where I compliment you repeatedly just to see you turn stiff and pink cheeked. 
you taught me once again that I can't trust anyone. how you could lie so much to my face is what's really painful. I don't wanna feel like this. 
even while explaining to you how your recklessness in word and action has hurt me,  you never said anything but an excuse. you never said you cared or admitted to lying. you just gave excuses.
what really sucks is that you had this in mind all along just to  use me when convenient and I was too stupid again not to run screaming at first sight of that.
I don't like you as a human right now but supposing some of your tall tales bore an ounce of truth, I hope the normal you that is genuine and has a soul surfaces again.
til then, I have 26 min left of crying cos I feel so stupid and lied to. I have 26 min left to remember you have no soul and think lying to people so you can have some  popularity and momentary satisfaction on hold for whenever you need is ok.  I have 24  min left now to erase you from my brain and rid myself of any thoughts you'll come good on some things you said.  22 minutes now and then I forget you as easily as you forget me.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

up and down like steady waves

my insomnia's crept back in.
my sanity comes and goes, up and down like steady waves.

im not sure what's real or imagined and fear that maybe i am slightly insane.... unstable if you will.
not the dangerous to myself or anyone else kind.... just the kind that isn't sure what is actual vs what is assumed.

i fear that maybe my outburst and reactions as of late have been more due to lack of sleep and emotional instability, preconceived and assumed misunderstandings more than actual contempt and hatred for myself.

i feel kind of sick to my stomach.
i feel kind of petty and selfish and sad.
like a small child's post-tantrum outburst.

but i did what they said.
i tried to invite myself places and show up at things.
im realizing that you can't force a square peg into a round hole, and i, i am that square peg.

i am finding that there are a few hoping to round my sharpened corners, to let me know that im not alone in a round world.
and maybe right now i just simply need the bare minimum.  the few to be there on occasion.
maybe i need to find the balance and know that alone does not equal something horrible.
that alone does not mean i am not loved and wanted.

i hate seasonal depression.
no i never admit it to people and just like with all of my other hiccups and hangups, i pretend it doesnt exist. 
i attempt to ignore my obvious fate that when there are 4 days of gloomy gray skies, rain, and cold temperatures, and i am not surrounded by anyone but bubs and picklcat, i get sad.  i get sad and angry that anyone is having any ray of sunshine.  i get sad that no one wants to share any warmth with me but a 3 year old and a cat.

and maybe it's such insanity, such up and down predictability that frightens away the masses.

ive retreated to coffee and books. 
ive confined myself to tea and movies.
ive enveloped myself in records and staring blankly out my large living room window into a bleak, gray, fragmented sky and tree branches.

this morbid solitude that does me no good is what i fear.
i fear it most because i sadly thrive off of being around large groups of people and they seemingly run from me like the plague.

what a delicious catch 22 i seem to be in.
up and down like steady waves my sanity comes and goes.
my eyes burn with fatigue. 
im not sure the last time i got a good night's sleep.
sadness haunts me.
solitude mocks me.

i try to escape these demons in sleep but they won't let it come.
and with the insomnia comes fatigue and with the fatigue my thoughts become less logical.

there are moments however, fueled by caffeine and literary works, where logic does creep in.
moments like now where i feel foolish and stupid for caring so much about being so alone.
moments like now where i am relishing the silence and solitude.

i think more than anything i just want to be around people and maybe i am the one that sucks life out of others without realizing it.
maybe that is why no one seems to want me to come out and about.

but then my old ass, sitting here in blissful silence wonders why i even care.
i frankly have no answer.

so i float on this wave for now.... the seemingly up wave, waiting for my crash later.
it's nice to have a brief moment to see above sea level to a beautiful horizon.
im going to savor this moment:
the silence, the solitude, the clarity, the logic.... most of all the logic.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

a moment of clarity

there are those people.
those few people that when youre around them, the angry sounds quiet and life makes sense again.
im lucky enough to have that.
i know my last post is woe is me somber, but at the same time, i must see the flip side of the coin and count myself lucky.

im lucky enough to have a very select and miniscule few that care about me and believe in me and just.... shut me up when im irrational and spinning out of control.

today i got 3 of them.
today im thankful for the misery that was my horrible night's sleep.
today i was reminded that it's time to pick up and move again and even if i am moving away (metaphorically) from some places and things and people, these few will always be a part of me.

today was a very eye opening day.
today i learned how beautiful a conversation can be.
today i learned to slow down and listen to the rhythm of breathing.
today i learned to ask the questions i feared the answers to.

so today held a moment of clarity...a few actually.

im learning that few is actually greater than many.
today was a nice reminder.

Friday, October 18, 2013

no soapbox to broadcast this from

i quit.
i absolutely give up.
i have no social media to broadcast this from, so whoever actually reads this may be more interested in my meager little life than i would have assumed.

i can't say i've hurt this bad in a long time.
i don't even know a time where my heart felt so broken and so fragmented.
i have no memory of a time where i have felt this alone.

i thought life was leading me down a certain path.
i claimed this one person saved my life and brought me to the family i wanted all along.
it was a pipe dream, however.
a steaming pile of horse shit.

i've been called ugly.
i've been called uninteresting.
i've been called off putting.
i've been lied to.
i've been lied to a lot in fact.
it's a repeat cycle of high school where i just am not enough in some measure and therefore am not ok to be seen with, not ok to know, and certainly not ok to hang out with.

so i spend a lot of time alone.
i got told to try.
i got told to invite myself places, show up at shows, and ask people to hang out.
i've done all of the above and have gotten the strangest of faces, mean mugs, or simply been ignored.

i can't say i've hurt this bad in a long time, cos for a while, i did feel like i belonged somewhere.
for a brief few months, i was happy.
i was finding my niche, my place, and hell i thought i finally found a family.

im not sure what i have left.
i just know that i havent hurt this bad in a long time.
my subconscious must be working overtime cos i woke up from a nap with a tear soaked cheek and pillow.

maybe my life's purpose is just to get really smart and read lots of books and write things that no one reads.
that's all ive got for now.

i've been torn to shreds by people this past week to the point where i don't find much to believe in about myself.
shit, i bawled my sorry head off when bubs out of nowhere stopped me and told me i was a great mom.

but i hurt.
i just want someone to let me know im enough.
maybe that im even good enough.
that it's ok to be seen with me in public, ok to know me.
that i just need a little help having fun cos i always have to be the responsible one and im not always sure how.
i just want someone to let me know they care about me.
maybe that they care about me not cos i can GIVE them anything really, but just cos im worth it.

i can hope that one day i wont ever feel like this again.
and this isnt to say there arent maybe like 4 people on the planet that i can call my friends, but... im alone a lot more than i want to be.
im alone with my thoughts and myself and that never ends up being a very good thing.

so, whatever person is reading this right now or may read this in the future.... and even if no one reads this ever at all...
im in the worst pain of my life.
im in the worst pain because i feel completely rejected and alone.

i don't admit this kind of stuff often.
when i do i get told im crazy.
when i do i get asked if im drunk or high.
the reality is i think that most people don't like being told they may have damaged something.  no one likes to ever be at fault.   plus, if youre not experiencing it, you may just not be aware you're even doing it.

so, i get that i dont matter.
i get it....
i just wish it werent such a resounding reminder ....
i liked not feeling small for a brief moment.
i liked getting hugs and having people want me to come over or say hi.
but slowly.... i stopped mattering and now....
now i wish i never once mattered so at least i wouldnt have to feel like this anymore.

maybe one day i can matter again.  i'd like that.
i'd like to be able to mean something to someone other than a delightful 3 year old.
she's great and all but... what can i give her if im empty myself?

so yeah, this is what a loner sounds like.  a dejected one at least.

Monday, October 7, 2013

a momentary hippie rant

so guys, i unofficially quit my job today.
i woke up with the fullest of intentions on going in and completing this last week, having one week off, then starting my new job. 
well, i took one bite of boring ol oatmeal and my ulcer raged.  im not even sure if it's just one.  it feels like my intestinal tract is lined with an army that is raging nonstop at my expense. 
and then i decided no.

no, im not going to work myself til im sick and in the ER again.

and why do we?
why are we taught to strive for an outstanding dollar amount that will pay for things that most often are basic human necessities?  we need food, water, and shelter.  that is very much so.
but we are taught to strive for this endless amount of money to provide the best of the best of the best.
people die from stress and heart attacks or get sick or miss out on LIFE all at the expense of a paycheck.

i wont do it.
yes, i will work, but not if it means sacrificing my health again.
not if it means losing out on the most important things:  love, happiness, inner peace, learning, and sharing.

maybe i am a big ol god damn hippie.
i dont think it's fair the way the system is run.
we are taught to value people less and things more and confine ourselves to this hamster wheel of a life endlessly running and toiling away for the best of the best while sacrificing what matters most.

people matter most.
things... it's just materialistic stuff.
it's clutter.
people have lessons and stories and hugs and love and smiles.
people share themselves with you and expand your ways of thinkin.
people adventure with you and care for you.
people have experiences with you and grow with you.
people learn from you  and help you learn too.

i miss people. 
i spent over an hour driving to and from work to pick up my kid who got a shell of the mother i know i am all to make this amount of money i hadnt seen in a while.

and after nearly a month, it hit me how little it was worth it.
im going to take my new job working with children, MUCH closer to my house, and be happier.
im going to spend time with friends and hopefully lose the stress ulcer(s).
im going to take 2 weeks and give ME a breather and bubs the mom she deserves...
also im going to give our daycare provider a breather too :)

so friends.... maybe i sound like a self righteous bitch or a commie or a hippie or an idiot...
i dont care what i sound like.
i know what matters to me.
i would rather live humbly with my values than become a shriveled up morsel of the self i know i should be all for a god damn paycheck.

fuck money.
fuck the system.
love people.
learn from people.
share and be kind.
smile and have adventures.
surround yourself with those that make you happy and for fuck's sake...
take a breather.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

playing catch up

i havent written in a while.
i gotta say i don't think i like a 40-50 hour a week job.
i hate it actually.

what i want out of life is continued learning. 
i dont want to stop being in school and delving deeper into the worlds of science and medicine. 
in fact, i understand that the fat dorky lil kid that begged her dad for a microscope should have been encouraged to continue that path instead of laughed at.
so, im 30 and realize now my life dream is to be a scientist and get into things on a neurological level doing biomedical engineering, research and development.
i feel a little behind but so energized and driven to pursue this with or without any support or encouragement.

i look back onto the past 2 years and see what i've accomplished with barely any help and a lot of love from family and friends, new and old.

speaking of family and friends, i barely see you guys.
im forced to love on you via social media sites, and for now, i suppose it'll have to do.

im thankful for the new ones ive met.
the ones that have encouraged me to know and like the real me and let her come out in full force.
the ones that have set me straight with some serious verbal bitch slaps and also some serious hugs and love.

so i read this blip of an article today that talked about peace coming from knowing and accepting ones true self.
i think about how before this summer, that was just some dream of mine.... to grasp who i really am, not the me i think i am, and to really love myself and be proud of myself.
it took a while, but through no kind words of another soul, im getting there.
im realizing how mean i am to myself and how, the closer i get to understanding who i am and the purpose i have, the more greatness i can give.  life is a whole lot better when you're giving.

so maybe this little blog post is a catch up for all of the beautiful people i miss and don't get to see.
i love and appreciate you so much more than you could ever understand.  thank you for who you're helping me realize i am and regardless of how much time passes between our meetings, always being super loving and supportive and kind.

that's all for now i suppose.  this is where i am and i have a lot of people to thank for helping me get here and i wont stop.  i just want to keep going and see what's next....

Thursday, September 12, 2013

wills and ways to cope

and just like that
it all comes back with a vengeance
and i only have 2 hands
and not enough will to fight.
but id like to find the strength
to slap your arrogant grin
your toothy display
id like to break with defeat

but just like that
my 2 hands busy themselves
trying to silence
the echo from the voices
and once it breaks
and the flow becomes steady
the world around
gets pindrop quiet

old demons die the hardest
and the slowest
and they keep coming back
coming back
dressed in a new style
pretending theyre the newest trend
newest trend
but they just want your head

Monday, September 9, 2013

truer words i have never spoken

ive come to the end.  finally, i have completed something.
it's strange to take a look back as the momentum slows and the world around me stops appearing as one solid blur and has definition and shape and beauty again.

im able now to stop my frantic pace for a short while, and reflect.
why most of my thinking occurs mid shower or while im shitting on the toilet, i dunno, but understand these thoughts were birthed in the bathroom..... there's the backstory.

so i was able to have some conversations with friends lately in real life and not via some form of social media or through a texting frenzy.
a few were suprised at where i am right now.

i had been forced into a very unwelcome and unwanted solitude after meeting new people and hoping to find some solid friendships after losing nearly everything due to splitting with J and embarking on the single mom/working/in school kind of life.  but school had to take precidence as did bubs.  so i was forced to hang out with ... myself.

oh my god you guys, seriously who would have found me enjoyable before?
good god.
i noticed how dismal i was.
everything had a saga and even the best days didnt hold the amount of joy i wanted.
i blamed others for not wanting to be around me when really, all i had to do was ask.
i assumed no one liked me because i had to ask others to be around me.

here is the reality of the situation....
i could never really just go and hang out, meet up with people at random, or have much time at all to see people.
everyone is on their own journey and in their own place right now and if our lives don't fit, they don't fit.
i can't force someone to want me to be a part of their life and their journey right now.  even if i was once and am not now.... that's not my place to decided.
my purpose in life is to support others.
my purpose is to encourage others.
my purpose is to admire others' growth while making my own.
and i didnt really realize HOW much you can grow if you take your eyes OFF of everything around you and REALLY look inward, shut the fuck up, and face all of your uglies and all of your demons and unpack all of the skeletons in your closets.

i did all this.
i focused a majority of my energy on me and have been making these necessary changes and i feel much more at peace.  i see people and old friends and new friends and just want to love them not because i want them to love me back.... but just because i see things in them that i admire and i value and see all this greatness in them.  im stepping out of my shy bubble that fears rejection and condemnation and unwelcome negative opinions.  im stepping out and saying hello because there is no reason to fear other people.  we are all on a journey and all have somewhere we want to be.  we all have our hangups and our fears and we are all more alike than i have ever understood.  im accepting compliments and really taking a minute to see WHAT THE FUCK i accomplished in the past 2 years.

no, i havent always been at my best.  no, i have not been very smart with time or money.  but in 2 years, i have been a really great mom.  i have the most amazing little lady that keeps surprising me with cuteness and love and empathy every day.  we have adventures and do dorky things together and she trusts and loves me and i love her to a point i didnt know i could love another human.  i finished school.  i havent done that since 2001 when i graduated high school.  i passed a board exam to be a certified medical assistant.  i passed a licensing exam to take x-rays.  i got a job at a specialty clinic.  i figured out what i want to do with my life and get into neuroscience.

i put myself out there and loved others and even fessed up to feelings.  i was loved back and i was rejected.  i learned that the greatest thing about loving people is that you just have to love them with an open hand.  no one is yours for keeps and sometimes you just really have to let them go even when it hurts with no hopes of their return.  ive learned to appreciate the time i get with others no matter how short or how much time goes by between seeing each other.

im just loving learning so much right now.  i feel awake again.  i feel alive because all of these stupid weights are falling off of my shoulders..... these weights i put on myself that didnt need to be there.  this breeze.... this gigantic universe that i thought i was embracing but really i was so not.... my eyes are continually being opened every day to what's real and i will never assume i know and understand.  i like where im at now.  my little self is finding her place for now... and soon it will be time to be picked up and moved somewhere else. 

so thanks for reading this mess.  im just really ecstatic to finally be done with one chapter and onto the next and 2 months of solitude has really changed me.  i am so grateful for this growth and can't wait to see what's next....


Friday, August 30, 2013

the cycle's on repeat

her posture slumped.
she carries such a heavy weight on her shoulders.
she never accepts grace or a hand to help with the load.
she tries so carelessly to carry all of the bags on her own and the handles rip from the weight.
she watches as all of her belongings fall recklessly to the floor.
glass jars shatter and the most delicate of delicate parcels are nothing more than scattered remnants.

she stares long and hard at her reflection.
mercilessly she picks apart the view.
tired, worn skin on her hands from carrying everyone else's loads.
she's embarrassed at the dark circles that encompass her bloodshot eyes.
who would want to look at such a mess?

but there you are.
you come like this knight in shining armour.
you remind her of her beauty more than once per day.
but as soon as she shows interest in your flattery you run.
you close your lips as quickly as you opened them.
and there she is left hanging onto the shards of compliments from deceitful lips.

bloodstained hands carrying the heavy loads of everyone else.
they get weaker as the life drains from her fingertips.

and there you are.
offering a hand.
like this knight in shining armour.
but how quickly you run.
how quickly you run when you see all of her belongings that she forgot to leave behind in the dumpster at the last rest stop.
and there she is staring at your silhoutte in a cloud of dust taking off into the sunset.

skinned knees crawling against the dirt, stinging with the momentum of ground gained.

and then you come out of nowhere.
full of promise and hope.
all of the right words and at the right speed and in the language she understands.

but she knows better.
so she stabs you with the shards in her hands and her steady crawl picks up the pace.
full steam ahead she leaves you in the dust because that is what she knows to do....
hurt before being hurt.

she kicks the dirt beneath her feet and takes a few more steps forward.
she slowly turns around and surveys what she's leaving.
too much murder for two tired eyes.
she takes a few more steps and realizes the cycle is on repeat.
she readies herself for the next battle to come.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

high school days are here again

someone really had the audacity to make a fake twitter account with a very not cute pic of me, using my full name, with links to my blog and instagram.  they went so far as to post a tweet about my kid and her nickname and kind of how stupid i am for making that nickname for her.  then they hashtagged her real name.

listen, i know i overreacted and was ready to go apeshit for quite a while, but what i dont get is why the fuck someone found it necessary to go to those lengths to make fun of me for expressing thought in a public forum.

there are options to not view those things.... there's blocking, deleting, and JUST NOT READING.

more than anything it hurt my feelings cos it reminded me of a year ago of being bullied and also most of my kid-hood.  it's really pathetic and sad that at this age, someone staring july 10th found me so excruciatingly unbearable that they went that far....

i have ideas who it is.
i wanna put those persons on full blast but what good will that even do?
it wont rectify what has been done.
the page is down and the amount of people that reported it was great.
also the person that informed me of it and the few that called me later reminded me im more cared about than i realize.
some people will always hate and i can unfortunately do nothing to stop it.

so world, hate on if you must, but please for the love of god, find a better outlet and leave my child out of your insults.  that is what enraged me the most.... you can pick on me and attempt to make me look foolish but once you cross that line and involve my kid, understand that i start seeing red and i make no promises for merciful vengeance.


Monday, August 12, 2013

changes

i have so many things i wish i could say to people racing through my head while getting ready this morning.
i mean moral of this probably rambly story is that i am a liar and a fake and as big a coward as the person(s) id be pointing a finger at.

but sometimes these changes kind of suck.
i got to a point where i don't have free time.
i can't see anyone.
and when i can, it feels like im in some protective sphere that everyone is afraid to break.
and maybe we are equally distancing each other, keeping a safe distance of arms length.

all i know is that solitude and a sock monkey have become my dearest of friends lately.
i don't even know how to be around people.
so i found myself drinking in excess to calm and quiet the awkward which in turn just made it MORE awkward, cos really, who wants to be around a shy drunk girl?

so i made a choice to stop drinking this weekend aside from the occasional sipping beer.

im making a choice today to re-evaluate the people in my life and really make that connection of whether or not i mattered in the first place.
most often my self-depricating brain full of past traumas is usually in the wrong, but sometimes, sometimes i see that person(s) i had put on such an elated level don't really give a shit at all and i am merely an emotional fluffer- something i definitely can not be.

in this whole summer of realizing my feelings matter and beginning to look out for myself and stand up for myself and just speak the truth or at least my  own muddled version of it, i've gotten rather lonely and have retaliated and shoved a lot of people away.  i also have gained a bit of self respect.  it's a toxic mix, those two....
im trying to sift and strain but i'm really just making a god damn awful fucking mess.

i feel like i have this repetitive eternal plea to those i want to stick around, to those that have been a crutch and a support and FUN and light in my often sad times life.....please bear with me.  i feel like you all have caught me at some ridiculous crossroads and i am weathering the most endless of horrific storms.  no one deserves this kind of malice and stabbing and i catch myself every time and hate myself for it.... and i dont blame you for turning and hightailing it farther away.... i just wish you wouldnt.

so world, im a fucked up little mess.  the war knowing my value vs feeling attacked at every minor turn and retaliating is raging on and there seems to be an end in sight... a balance of gentle words from a very strong ladypants.

i just hope when i get to this end that someone may be left.
my standards are way too high oftentimes, i get that...
i guess the moral of my rambly story then is that im slowly learning... key words... im slow.

happy monday.

Friday, August 9, 2013

before i begin....

i have 12 cups of freshly brewed coffee (which technically is more equivalent to 24 at the strength in which i brew my brew), a pile of sugar, and my radiography for limited practice testing materials in front of me.  tomorrow, at 8 am is my exam for my limited scope license.

now, years ago i would have told you i was too stupid for this.  now, im about to take this exam, take a certification exam for medical assisting in september, and ive decided i want to go back to school, not for radiology like i assumed, but for neuroscience.  i want to go back for neuroscience to do research and development for pediatric neurological disorders.

WHAT THE FUCK?

yeah, me.
little me.
not so little after all.

and that is why i am typing these distracting thoughts before i begin studying. 
this whole experience of my externship, working in a clinic, running doctor's schedules, performing tests, being responsible for some serious shit... it's given me something i knew i needed but never really had....

SELF CONFIDENCE.

you can only tell someone something a million times before it's very apparent that they have to figure it out for themselves. 
i was that lost cause.
only now, im a little less lost.

im not even stressing so hard about this test. 
sure i want to do well and ive been doing the practice modules when i have a free minute instead of seeing friends, but for the first time in a while, i just know im going to do well.
i know where im going and what im doing and .... i know it is going to be a long road and it's going to be challenging and not very financially profitable (not for a LONG while), but ... i know where im going and that means more to me than any monetary prize could ever.

so before i begin studying, while im currently cracked out on a ton of candy and the strongest coffee i have brewed to date, i just feel like i need to share the one thing i am learning over and over, day after day, life milestone after life milestone:

BE YOURSELF... your REAL self.  and if you don't know who you are... take the time to find out.  chances are you're really  missing out on someone great.  chances are, you're meant for greater than you give yourself credit for.  sometimes it takes the quiet of solitude to hear your real self screaming at you and making the soundest statements, speaking the most clear and coherent direction..... sometimes it takes getting away from the crowds and what you think you're meant to be and should be and ought to be, for you to get a handle on who you really are.

i despised the solitude then.  being forced into it now, im the most grateful for it. 
so yeah, i guess now that the tangent is over, time to begin....

Saturday, August 3, 2013

so im a little slow...

like this is really news to anyone who has ever attempted to give me a morsel of advice in my entire lifespan of chaotic and confusing situations and scenarios...


but seriously i feel like i owe a lot of people a giant THANK YOU!!!

i hardly get a minute to breathe.
really, i hate it but when i do, i find that i am reflective and appreciative of life.
normally that appreciation comes in the form of loving nature and life outside but today...
today is one of those days i want to thank people.

i wont name names but there's a chunk o people that i owe huge thanks to.

there are people who have helped me out all in various ways and sadly, it has taken me a lot longer to grasp various concepts or acknowledge the fruits of said help than id have liked, but today....
today i feel very loved, very appreciative, and actually, very stupid for not applying these lessons sooner.

i came home to 4 envelopes. 
each of these envelopes contained hope and promise and momentary relief.
i nearly jumped up and down on my bed with elation but then i remembered how badly we destroyed my bed frame trying to move it out of my old house and quickly concluded it would be a bad idea.

ive had people saying the same things in my ears for months and years now about letting go of worry and stress and letting go of trying to control the uncontrollable.  the advice of letting life happen as it does and trusting POSITIVE changes will happen if i believe it can be so.

i scoffed at that, i laughed at it, i snickered at it and halfheartedly chewed on the concepts.
but just recently, i really started to apply those concepts to my life.
i saw how detrimental my thoughts and word choices (mentally and audibly) to myself really were and what a negative impact they were having on the outcome of my life as a whole.  life was looking hopeless again and then i snapped.  i started standing up for myself and TO myself.

and then today happened. 
today happened where in a moment of floating in the breeze, the wind stopped, and i landed.  i opened these 4 envelopes and it was like the universe gave me one giant hug and said, "see kel.... i gotcha.  told ya so."

that's the first time ive ever been so happy for an "i told ya so" in my life.
im laughing at how stupid ive been and how mindlessly i bought into this idea that if i worried enough and flipped out enough, that somehow something would fix itself.  but it cant.  the more i pinholed on the negative, my world just became bleak and dismal and a pile of blackened despair on soggy bread. 

it took just appreciating what is.  the life around me and the amazing people i have around me... it took appreciating the little to see how much i really do have and then, like a bonus pretzel of epic proportions, the universe took a giant, explosive diarrhea of good karma upon my overtired and overcaffeinated self. 

so dear friends that have been like a broken record to my deaf ears and calloused heart... to the friends and family that have been supportive and encouraging and just the most billowy piles of love and help - i am so sincerely thankful.   yes, i am beyond the slowest of learners and yes, i can be so close minded and self centered and yes, i am more dense than a brick wall sometimes (if not a majority of the time), but all of your words and insight and love and help and encouragement.... i would not be where i am, right now, in this moment of sheer gratitude and happytimes without it. 

so thank you.  seriously and completely and indefinitely, THANK YOU.


Sunday, July 28, 2013

please let me get what i want!

so i have had this smith's song... please please please let me get what i want....stuck in my head all damn day.
and i had a chat with an amazing friend today and ...
people like me, the kind that never win anything, are a blip on the social radar, where people never remember their name or that they're around, the one that never gets the guy cos they're too shy or plain or goofy, the one that just seems to get the shit end of things.

and then those moments happen.... those epic, movie-scripted moments where this girl gets exactly what she wants.  she's elated.  i mean.... shit, it's like jesus is taking a dump of rainbow colored karma pills and there she stands, mouth open, arms outstretched, soaking in every cascading bowel movement of goodness.  (gross i know im sorry.)

then the rain stops and she floats.
she floats in the most beautiful place.
lily pads and turtles, flowers of every color on still water.... the air is perfect and the sound is pure, only interrupted by the conversation nature is attempting to have with her.
greedily, she grabs an oar and disturbs the peace.
MORE.
GIMME MORE.

dissatisfied, she begins to whine and cry and hate.
she only sees in pinhole vision.... the way where the scope is narrowed and fixated on some microscopic circle.
but she sees what she wants so she pushes and sludges and gets stuck.
she's stuck and swearing and throwing things, disrupting and tormenting the beauty around her.
so much so, that eventually, it's gone.

it's gone and she gets angrier until she finds one lily pad, one petal from a flower to remind her of what was.
this beautifully unmarked moment to just float through.

but she fucked it up.
she fucked it up because of greed.

now she sits alone in this boat, oars cast behind her.
she floats.
she feels the warm sun on her skin and the breeze disrupting the part she just combed in her hair.
she smells the fragrant aroma of life, closes her eyes, and takes it all in.
with eyes closed she can hiccup out a few regretful tears, but that is long gone now.
she's long gone now.

so while yes, it would be so nice to get what we want... when does it end?
when do we stop to realize that we already have all that we want and we need nothing more.
never satisfied we are so content to destroy life and play amongst the ruins, crying over bridges burned and cities lost.

so yes, regretful feelings come to the surface as i sit alone in this boat, oars left on the shore, floating into the most beautiful oblivion i have encountered yet..... 

Monday, July 22, 2013

get a life!!!

im rather overdue for a bitching rant that is bottling up and welling up and close to errupting from every pore and outlet my body has available (yes dear reader, even the butthole).

one thing i am perplexed by (even after my own mistake in doing it) is the concept of spending EVERY WAKING MINUTE with someone when you begin a new relationship.  i don't get it.  i mean i see how it happens, dont get me wrong, but ... GET A LIFE.

i don't have the means to fathom anymore, after setting myself free from being everything someone ELSE wanted, how any one person could lay down their likes and passions and alone time.  i mean, how can you get so lost and so wrapped up in someone else's life and wants and likes that you don't even spend ONE day by yourself?  there is NOTHING wrong with being alone.

shit, after 2 years of it, im really an authority figure to speak on the subject.  i used to be afraid of it at first.... when J and i split, i rushed to fill the void and tried to start dating but then i quickly realized, i had lost myself in another person for so long, i had no idea who i was. 

now, i spend so much time being and doing for everyone else, i relish the idea of quiet nights, curled up with a book or collage scraps or stealing some of bubba's color tabs that make the bath water whatever color my heart desires (except when i mix too many colors together and it turns mucky brown).  the idea of silence and solace is so inviting and intoxicating, i honestly wish i had it right now....

so there is my rant.  there is my one area of confusion for today.  the one subject i have no idea how to begin to fathom the nature and desire of losing yourself completely in another person so much so to the point where you lose your whole life, throw your responsibilities to the wayside, and have zero time for yourself.

maybe im a cynical fuck and really, you don't have to agree with me.  i mean seriously, im eating a brick of cheese right now typing about how i hate the idea of relationships that basically turn into this pseudo-marriage/co-habitation situation so rapidly.  i just think everyone needs a bit of space and alone time.  everyone needs to love themselves and you cant really know and love your real self unless you spend time with your real self..... the real self that shakes every last ounce of chubby buttcheek in the mirror in their underpants- carefree and with reckless abandon to the worst of guilty pleasure pop songs.... the real self that has no idea when the sheets were last washed or if a bathing suit can double as underwear because laundry comes second to a long bike ride.... those kinds of things.

maybe i just now have an appreciation for such things after spending years of hating and hiding my real self.... every awkward face and gesture, every snort and every giggle, my pants recycled for i dunno how many weeks on end before they make it to the wash, my real self that owns pretty much nothing but superhero underpants, my real self that has a dairy allergy yet eats so much cheese.... my real self that has been hurt and still is finding more wounds that need neosporin and muppet bandaids...the good, the silly, the bad, and the very ugly... we all have these parts to ourselves.... it's just a matter of loving every aspect of yourself..... i didnt realize how beautiful my broken and ugly could be until i sat down with her and realized she's just a little bit hurt from the past and needs a friend.  i gotta say, today was a day one more wound was bandaged and one more actually healed. 

so love yourself friends.... take time for yourself friends... it's really that ok.

this rant has not been brought to you by a cynical bitter old hag, but merely by someone who is walking this path and finding out more amazing things on it every day and just wants others to know this invaluable freedom too.  the end.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

the big 3-0

i thought it would be just another year.
i thought it was another number, another age, a sign of progression.
little did i know it would begin the most difficult year i think i have ever faced.

and you might be thinking, "kelly, it's just a matter of perspective- a matter of outlook and point of view on the things you're facing."
to which i reply.... "while that may be true, dear reader, in this case, no."

so much.
so much has been uprooted and overturned.  rugs have been pulled from beneath my feet, and my tired eyes are gazing at mountains too high to climb.  i mean, shit, i have vertigo from just looking at them. 

this is my last week of fun times with bubs.
for the past few YEARS, it has been she and i during the week when i didnt have school.  playdates and funtimes.  but now, now i am going to barely see her.  im taking it a bit worse than she is.
this concludes school and bridges my gap into the real working world in a field and profession i do not know much about.  i feel ill-prepared from the clusterfuck that has been the last few quarters of my schooling and from my own procrastination.  i have a licensing exam in under a month i have barely studied for and a board exam in september i haven't even looked at the information for. 

"well, what the fuck kelly?"  you might be thinking to yourself.
i know.  i know.
my priorities have been self centered and self concerning at best.
and then there came my genius idea to take myself off my meds and out of therapy.
my genius idea to just do this all on my own.
my body and mind and soul are just simply exhausted.
i have yard work and painting and house stuff to deal with.
i want to make art and music and have time for friends and fun outings with bubs.
i have bills to pay and no funds in which to do so.

i'm at an adult-crossroads and i would like to turn and run back to my youth.
but i cant.
and in 2 months this stress and chaos will be over.
in 2 months, i am hoping some sort of normalcy will emerge and a regular schedule to bring solace to my burned out spirit.

but i don't feel confident.
i dont feel prepared.
i dont feel ready.

i crave change like most, but when it hits, i want to run for the covers on my bed and just hide like a small child during a thunderstorm.
im not as brave as i would like to admit and pretend.

and that's the major thing.
as much as i tell others i hate lies and i hate phoniness....

I AM THE BIGGEST CULPRIT OF BOTH.... but not to others, just to myself.
i am so mean to myself.
i am so hard on myself.
i ignore myself.

so having to face all of these changes and this 60 hour a week work schedule not counting bubs and driving time and some "homework" in there.... i am at a loss.
my brain is fried and i just want to give up.

ive been spending nights in my bed or on my couch avoiding all things responsible and all things people because i just want to wish this life change away.
but it wont go away.
and i can't ignore it.
it's happening at a more rapid pace than i care to realize.

less time with bubs, less free time, a more hectic and demanding schedule, studying, and all of the things related to my house i still have yet to complete.
maybe i should go back on my meds.
maybe i should talk to someone.
or maybe i should slap on a big hairy pair and just face what's coming.
im not a kid anymore and i can't act like it.

it's time i grew up....
it's time i let go...
it's time i face what i have to, grit my teeth, and weather the upcoming storm....
cos it certainly wont go away because im wishing it away.

Friday, July 5, 2013

a little less

it's funny.  ive never cried from a highfive before.
but i did just now.
mostly because i feel so stupid.
i feel used and deceived.
i feel like a dumb girl.
i feel like the dumbest of girls for assuming words had meaning and actions had meaning.
reality is i was an option when convenient, another one to get in line til next time.
those words were merely vessels to gain the momentary gratification that was sought after.
and when feelings are involved it's time to cut the string that had me pulled in whatever desired direction.
i thought it wouldnt hurt but it does.
mostly cos it was the first time i trusted another person enough to believe what they said and be my real self.
i was comfortable and at ease, guards down.
there was my most critical of errors.
so it's back to keeping people at an arms length distance away.
back to feeling the cold chill from this metallic, protective coating.
no more hurt.
no more believing people mean what they say and say what they mean and only do things because they mean it and not out of selfishness.
today though, im going to let myself hurt and cry a little.
then tomorrow it will be a little less until it's all gone.


Wednesday, July 3, 2013

so this is the new year...

normally this death cab song runs through my brain every dec 31/jan 1.
it has been running in my head since last nite.
the line is:
"so this is the new year and i dont feel any different."

this is the first time i do feel different.
so much shit has just come to a really gross head.
like a gigantic pus filled zit.
and im popping it.
im fully aware of the nasty goo that is going to shoot out on the mirror and on my fingers, but i cant pretend that it is not an eye sore and that it isnt bothering me.

i am fully prepared for people to not like this new me.
i am fully prepared for people to like this new me.

im done guys.
im done being a doormat and a pushover because im wanting to be so nice that i dont want to hurt anyone's feelings.
sometimes the truth hurts.
i spent all of last year with added weight on my shoulders and burdens to carry that were simply out of not wanting to disappoint anyone else.
well, not to say i will no longer be nice, but it's high time i speak up for myself ALL of the time BEFORE it gets out of hand.

im done being expendable.
you can NOT take and take and take and take from a person at your own whim and on your own time without it having an impact on that person you are constantly taking from.

i live with the lifestyle that if i dont want it done to me, i wont do it to anyone else.
this means i dont lie to people, i tell people how i feel, i dont use people, and im all about the "respect all life" way of living.

so what does this mean from here on out?
no, im not going to be some expendable piece of ass.
i want stability and something genuine and real.
this means i am not going to let my space get encroached upon and usurped.
i am going to love the fuck out of the people in my life and if it scares them, so be it.
this means im not going to be afraid of eyeballs and comments and whispers and glares.
im going to murder the entire world with my friendliness and my smile if that's what it takes.

im done hiding.
im done being quiet.
im done being made to feel bad for having feelings.
im done being made to feel bad for wanting to be more than some convenient option when the time presents itself.

im sticking up for myself in full force now.
i will have a lot of peoples' backs til death .... and it used to be anyones but my own.  well guess what?  that's stopping now.

if you are one of the people that have been using me and walking all over me and just taking.... if you are one of the people that think of me in a matter of convenience and expendability, be prepared to never see me again and to be hearing some strong words before i vanish.  i am just simply not putting up with this shit anymore.  it's gone on for too long.

so good morning world.
this is 30 year old kelly haines.
new decade, new person, no more bullshit.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

appreciation

this word... this bundle of letters make up this word that carries such power and meaning.
this combination of sounds that holds so much within itself.

i learned a lot about this word today.
it came up in conversation effortlessly but repeatedly.

today i learned to appreciate.
i learned to appreciate the city i live in... that on one side of me there is chaos and clutter and busy-ness, yet on the other side of me there is tranquility and peace and nature.  im lucky to get to experience that and i appreciate it.

i appreciate that i work up in a sour and foul mood and merely went to get brunch with a friend and it turned into this all day adventure of revealing conversation and truth and feelings and understanding.  there was so much light in today and i appreciate that.

i like that i was forced to see the scope of life outside of my tunnel SELF vision.
so to those that read this that are in my life and to those that dont read this that are in my life...
i want you to know...
i appreciate you.

i appreciate how you let me get to know you, that you want to get to know me, that you see things in me and tell me whether they are good or bad.  i appreciate that you make time for me whether frequent or sparse.  i appreciate you listening to me and letting me listen to you.  i can't thank you enough and i hope the power of this one word will make it to your understanding as you read this or that you can feel it in my thoughts... i appreciate you.

sometimes it's a day of spontaneity and repair to make you realize you have everything you need and everything, for right now, is exactly where it needs to be.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

the most beautiful confusion i have ever known

all of the girly thoughts and feelings.
and i suppress most of them.
i have this facade that i am invincible.
this front that i am cold and stubbornly calloused and independent.
this lie that i am above the one basic human want many of us, out of fear, run from.

i can't run anymore.
i can't lie anymore.
i am really awful at pretending.

the truth is eating at my insides.
this thing with the dragonflies.... this self realization....
self, youre a god damn dirty little liar.

it's nothing major at all.
it's no horrendous secret.
in fact, im sure it's rather obvious.

yet i have played this obliviously ditzy fool.
i have played ignorant at best and it has been my worst performance to date.

i said so much leaning me in one direction so as to not appear weak.
in and out of these words and actions said and shown to me, i wasn't sure what to think.
i heard myself blurting out words with no feeling attached but a fake puffed chest kind of gusto that had no real heart behind it.

if i told the truth id be holding jagged fragments of my little heart.
at least that's what id assumed for so long.
now i am at the place if i dont tell the truth, my insides will erupt and i will not be allowed to awaken any further.

the reason i stress how UNimportant this is is merely because it only matters to me really.
i need to come clean to myself.

the reality is, my heart is pulled in this one direction.
ive tried to steer it down alternate avenues and it goes but always comes running back at faster speeds than the first time.

this one direction is an enigma however.
so many twists and turns.
so many one way's when i need to go left.
but it is the most beautiful confusion i have ever known.

ive been half honest.
the only part i havent been completely honest about is just admitting that...
i dont want any other directions.  and although this one direction usually has a lot of road work and it's closed or congested because only one lane is open... it's the only road i want to venture down.  it looks adventurous and is alluring.

so, enigmatic road, there's that but the wonder coursing through my tiny brain is the obvious....
what if you dont want my junky car on your road?  what if you do not have roads that are built for the kind of adventure and dorky displays that are simply all i want?

this is why coming clean to yourself is so scary cos it never just involves YOU.

but i have to.
for whatever reason and regardless if this ends me up in a car crash and i total my vehicle and the road is closed and shut down forever and paved over with sharp glass poking through to unsuspecting tires that don't know the patterns in which to swerve out of harm's way.... i guess i will just have to take the chance and see.

i dont want to speed.
i dont want to race to the figurative finish line.
i dont even want to set cruise control and coast at a quick pace.
i want to enjoy the scenery at the pace im currently at.
i just want this road to not have any other cars on it...
i just want this road to not be a dead end.

regardless of what i want tho... what i really need is to just come clean with things in my own head and heart to be able to move and grow and see a little bit better in this apparent dark.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

a place of calm

so already i woke up today and some stuff that is pretty petty and frivolous is bothering me.
feeling butt-hurt about some things so far outside of my control had me beginning my early start with tense muscles and a sour face.
granted im physically so so tired, but....
i find that when these feelings hit me, i go back to last nite.
i go back to the calm that was nature and staring at clouds and admiring the most amazing sunset that looked as if the universe had painted me a custom portrait.
i go back to where the world around me looked so picturesque that i felt like i was in a movie.... i mean how could nature be THAT beautiful?

it reminds me to slow down.
it reminds me to put some things on the back burner and just appreciate life around me and to hunt down places that are that beautiful and serene.

at this point im like .... who needs meds and going to therapy when there's this?
there's a calm that comes over me when i reflect back to the overwhelming beauty i saw last night.
i don't want to forget that.
i want to carry that with me when im afraid or nervous or anxious or butt-hurt or sad.

so thanks universe for opening my eyes past the surface.

i always like looking into the deeper realm of things... kinda why im a science junkie. 
i love those national geographics on the deep sea and outer space....
i love looking past what i already know into what lies beneath the small fragment of surface that has been scratched and uncovered.

i love life.
there is more depth than we care to realize.
we get so hung up on the surface of things.
we get so hung up on what is visible that we forget there is so much unseen.
there is so much depth to life and to people that we shy away from ....
but once your eyes are opened and you see LIFE on a level a bit closer to the real scope of things....
it wakes you up in a way that you've never felt awake before.

i hope these images only further me on my life journey and never escape my conscious and subconscious thought pattern.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

from breathtaking to life changing

today was a really up and down day.
by the end of the day i was flustered and done and angry and grumpy.
i was tense and feeling really unhappy.

but then my friend kelly took me out canoeing with her bf dave.
as we paddled through the water, the sun began to set.
i found myself finding shapes in the clouds and being mesmerized by the light and endless wonder in front of me.
then we began to go through areas with more trees and little tunnels and a canal.
it was magical.
the lil dandelion floaties were coming down through the tall trees with their lush, green leaves and long branches.
it was perfect and calming.
i have never felt that peace and tranquility in my life.
and it was just what i needed.

anyway, while we were paddling through the water, a dragonfly apparently was flying around the back of my head and landed on my head and hung out there.  it wouldnt move and i tried shaking my head even.  finally it flew off when i swatted at it.  i wanted to look up the symbolism of a dragonfly because that seemed a little weird.  what i found was actually even more breathtaking than the nature that just blew my mind.

To the Japanese, it symbolizes summer and autumn and are admired and respected all over, so much so that the Samurai use it as a symbol of power, agility and best of all, Victory.
In China, people associate the dragonfly with prosperity, harmony and as a good luck charm.
Amongst Native Americans, it is a sign of happiness, speed and purity. Purity because the dragonfly eats from the wind itself

In many regions and as a norm of this day, the dragonfly is considered to be an agent of change and presumably symbolic of a sense of self realization. Self realization from how the dragonfly uses its power to control its movements and so elegantly. And change and evolution is all about the dragonfly’s ability to fly and the way it can be comfortable on water, land as well as the air.

Symbolisms of the Dragonfly

  • Maturity and a Depth of character
    The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life.

    The traditional association of Dragonflies with water also gives rise to this meaning to this amazing insect. The Dragonfly’s scurrying flight across water represents an act of going beyond what’s on the surface and looking into the deeper implications and aspects of life.
  • Power and Poise
    The dragonfly’s agile flight and its ability to move in all six directions exude a sense of power and poise - something that comes only with age and maturity.
    The dragonfly can move at an amazing 45 miles an hour,  hover like a helicopter fly backwards like a hummingbird, fly straight up, down and on either side. What is mind blowing is the fact that it can do this while flapping its wings a mere 30 times a minute while mosquitoes and houseflies need to flap their wings 600 and 1000 times a minute respectively.

    The awe inspiring aspect is how the dragonfly accomplishes its objectives with utmost simplicity, effectiveness and well, if you look at proportions, with 20 times as much power in each of its wing strokes when compared to the other insects.  The best part is that the dragonfly does it with elegance and grace that can be compared to a veteran ballet dancer. If this is not a brazen, lazy, overkill in terms of display of raw power, what is?
  • Defeat of Self Created Illusions
    The dragonfly exhibits iridescence both on its wings as well as on its body. Iridescence is the property of an object to show itself in different colors depending on the angle and polarization of light falling on it.

    This property is seen and believed as the end of one’s self created illusions and a clear vision into the realities of life. The magical property of iridescence is also associated with the discovery of one’s own abilities by unmasking the real self and removing the doubts one casts on his/her own sense of identity. This again indirectly means self discovery and removal of inhibitions.
  • Focus on living ‘IN’ the moment
    The dragonfly normally lives most of its life as a nymph or an immature. It flies only for a fraction of its life and usually not more than a few months. This adult dragonfly does it all in these few months and leaves nothing to be desired. This style of life symbolizes and exemplifies the virtue of living IN the moment and living life to the fullest. By living in the moment you are aware of who you are, where you are, what you are doing, what you want, what you don’t and make informed choices on a moment-to-moment basis.

    This ability lets you live your life without regrets like the great dragonfly.
  • The opening of one’s eyes
    The eyes of the dragonfly are one of the most amazing and awe inspiring sights. Given almost 80% of the insect’s brain power is dedicated to its sight and the fact that it can see in all 360 degrees around it, it symbolizes the uninhibited vision of the mind and the ability to see beyond the limitations of the human self. It also in a manner of speaking symbolizes a man/woman’s rising from materialism to be able to see beyond the mundane into the vastness that is really our Universe, and our own minds. 

so yeah... holy shit.  i feel like something amazing is going to happen soon.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

embracing all of the inner crazy

i cant stop processing.
i feel like im betraying my inner crazy by letting thoughts flow with racing speed from my brain to my fingertips to this crusty keyboard and onto the blank document in front of me attached to a bunch of codes and a link all signifying that none of this is personal.
all of the thoughts in my head... the scary, the good, the bad, the mean, the friendly, the positive, the angry..... all of the thoughts.... they're not my own anymore.

why share this kelly?
ATTENTION SEEKING WHORE.

that's what you wanted to see right?
you want me to own up to what you think.
im not that.
i know im not that.

i like stories... i like hearing others stories and often times get so excited i forget to shut up and let them finish.
i like knowing im not alone.
for most of my life ive been made to feel ostracized or inhuman due to some ways in which i process feelings or the feelings that i am attempting to process.

there is no harm in feeling or seeing or learning or processing.
there is no harm in wanting to understand and move forward.

but it goes against all i know.
it goes against the safety mechanism that tells me to keep it all trapped inside, to put on the facade and happy face that says im fine but while the curtrain is drawn, i drop all of the juggling pins and am an epic failure.  who wants to pay good money to see that?

the reason i have friends and have lost friends is simply because i have no shame.
i have no shame in the crazy up and down emotional frenzy that is my life.
do i like it all the time?  no.
is it just the way things are right now?  yes.

so love me or hate me, take me or leave me.
i like this crazy mess of a person i am.
it helps me empathize with others around me and accept the people that get looked over because they may not "look right" or "fit in" which i always found to be bullshit labeling excuses for someone else's ignorance.

you dont know unless you take a peek inside.
thankfully im like a peeping tom of souls or something.
well that may also be a blessing and a curse but still...

embrace the inner crazy.
at least that's what i plan to do today.

4am rambles

im afraid of all of the things in front of me.
ill use busy as an excuse but really lazy is my source of reason.

and then it hits me and i wonder.
i wonder if i use the chaos and the madness....
i wonder if i make my own insanity and craziness....
i wonder if i thrive on the unstable yet predictable....
i wonder if i need that to function in order to avoid the unavoidable....
because if my eyes are too busy and my hands are too full, i can't really get to those things now can i?

when i slow down and have a moment where im not "doing" or "busy" or "needed" .... that's when i think best.
it's when i feel.
it's when reality creeps in with her sweet, gentle, brutally honest whispers.

the reality is im afraid.
im afraid to fail.
im afraid to cower.
im afraid to stand out.
im afraid to be hidden.
basically i am just so afraid to let down or be let down, to succeed or to fail, that i simply do nothing.

i do nothing until these moments hit where i am faced with a person i was afraid of talking to.  im  faced with a person i was intimidated by that is all too real and beautiful.  im faced with having to look someone in the eye and be sincere.  to answer questions about myself and also seek out who they are as well.

those are the moments are when i feel most alive.  those are the moments when i wonder what the hell im really hiding from.  from myself?  that's probably right.

i was bred in an environment of perfection.
perfect body, perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect grades, perfect house, perfect car, perfect family, perfect life plan, perfect motivation, perfect drive, perfect outcomes......
i was none of these things.
i still AM none of these things.
all the while i wonder why anyone even seeks to strive for these things.  they're temporal and bullshit.  they mean nothing about the core substance of a person.  these are not what make up people i want to be around.
but still, subconsciously unconscious i hold myself to these standards.  it's what i know but it's certainly not the life i want to live.

if i began to live my life in reality, the reality that no one gives a shit about the size of my pants or the color of my hair.... where people care more about who you are than what you are.... i wonder where i would be and who i would be.  i wonder what people would come back that have run from my insanity.  i wonder what possibilities and doors may open due to being optimistic and hopeful.

but for now i stare.... i stare deep into some pixilated screen hoping to find solace in yoga poses and facebook.  it's 4am and my life dictates work.  my life dictates 8 hours of solitude and facing the harsh thoughts that run amok in my delicate cerebral cortex. 

for now i stare deep into the bowels of the range of my emotions. 
i stare deep into the glaring eyes of what i want and realizing it could happen and it just may not. 
i stare deep into the reality that need and want are separate entities and not one decorative gift you get just for the hell of it.

for now i look past the realm of the have-not, past the ways i have fallen and failed, past all of my flabby spots and imperfections, past the good bit of crazy i dare not hide and almost arrogantly display for the world around me to just KNOW i dont have it all together and it is OK...... i look into the haves.... i look deep into the haves and the calms and the solid facts that i cant ignore.
they bring me back to reality and away from the deprecating and destructive thoughts my self can get carried away with. 

im tired.
i want to stop.
when i stop i feel bad.
i feel bad for all i should have and could have done.
im tired.
i want to stop.
i feel bad for all of the people i ignore and look past.
i am sad for all of the times i miss out on.
i am elated for the hugs to come.
im hopeful for the conversations and coffees and whiskeys that will ignite that spark again and that want to just keep knowing more. 

the ebb and flow of comings and goings... that's what really does me in.
but the universe..... this sometimes gentle and sometimes gusting breeze that takes me .... it knows..... it knows more than i do where and how i need to go.
and it's time again for change... it's time again to go...
like a twisting cyclone of destruction....
past all of the obvious evidence.....

Saturday, June 15, 2013

all it needed was a little love

the tree in a charlie brown christmas. 
that stringy, branchy mess of shedding needles.
everyone picked on the dude for pickin the reject.
but maybe he saw something in that little tree.
maybe he saw himself.
maybe he picked that one because of his own inner self just wanting to belong and be accepted and have a family and a place to call home.
maybe he picked it because deep down, he wanted to save himself and show the people he was surrounded by that you shouldn't judge something for being small and pretty insignificant and homely. 
maybe all charlie brown was trying to do was show potential in the runt and the underdog.

at the end... linus is like "hey guys, this thing's not so bad.  it just needs love."
and they all decorate it and see its beauty.

im in plant mode cos normally i KILL plants. 
not intentionally, i just have the blackest of green thumbs.
but bubs and i planted all of these seeds.
i just remember being super grumpy and her being grumpy, but we sat on the deck and filled up these lil pots with some soil and planted these seeds.  she was so proud and excited to help. 
every day for the past week she's been asking to see if they've grown and mama dismal over here tried to remind her how LONG it takes for plants to grow.  this morning i got home from work, couldn't sleep, and on my many trips to the kitchen to stuff food in my face, i noticed that the thing kept growing at a rapid speed.  by the time i left at 930  for work, one plant was seriously like nearly sprouting little flowers....

i realized what love can do.
a little love and a little hope.
it can really cause a tiny sprout to flourish and grow at a speed not so human.
i cant WAIT to show a bubs on monday!!!
i cant wait to show her what her love and hope have done for these tiny little seeds.

and how i need to apply this to my own life.
the last time i was at yoga, before leaving, we had to focus and focus on acceptance and compassion for ourselves first and then others. 
hearing that makes me tear up.
i realize what a dick i am to myself.
for 15 years i have been beating myself up about my body, assuming every time i put food in my mouth i am next to satan as far as evil goes.  for 15 years i have measured my worth and value in this world and in others' lives by the size of my pants and the number staring at me on the scale.   i have beaten myself up about my productivity, about my appearance or personality.  i never am quite ENOUGH. 
i cant be the person i know im to be and help others the way i want to if i am a fragmented spectacle of a person. 

i feel trapped.
i feel enclosed in these sickening thoughts.
these horribly poisonous thoughts that envelop all sense of logic and sound reasoning.
and then there are people i meet that there is just something about them....
this familiar feeling.
this feeling that we are one in the same.
and then i hear their story.
and then i realize there is freedom from this.
there is a side opposite of where i am at that is waiting for me.

so why the paralysis kid?
why the fear of movement?
maybe these few people that have come into my life and stuck recently are the linus-es.  maybe all i need is a little love to become what im meant to be.... from this reject pile of shedding sticks to a full, bright little display.
i mean what can i really bring to others in this broken state im currently in.

tomorrow's a new day.
a day i full intend to embrace with change and life.
today was a bad one but tomorrow's a new one.
that's hope enough for something better, right?

Monday, June 10, 2013

the harmonious villain

so apparently i am all of the bad guy.
that deceitful and devious, malicious, malevolant stranger that comes in like a theif wreaking havoc on the city with selfish intentions.  sinister and vicious.  cruel and spiteful...

ok, obviously that chunk of adjectives was full of sarcasm.
im just really at the point where i am sick of technology.
im sick of this ability to tear someone down verbally through text like a freakin coward.  if you have such hateful words to use, why not actually open your mouth and say them directly to me? 
probably due to intimidation and fear that i will punch you right in the mouth i am presuming.
honestly at this point i am very sure that if this person speaks to me i will punch them in the god damn mouth as hard as possible. 

J is becoming more difficult.
he has wanted me to fail since i uttered the words "i cant do this anymore.  i need to be on my own."  for over 4 years he had the control.  i was afraid and voiceless.  i couldn't stand up for myself because our life was so much about what other people would think.  it was about upholding some bullshit image of perfection and happiness.  reality was this momma working 35 hours a week, takign care of infant bubs, doing laundry and cleaning and cooking and shopping and bills and budgeting while captain of the ship had to maybe mow and take out trash, go to work, and spend his evenings and weekends at the gym training or teaching or playing video games til all hours of the night.  that was life.  it wasn't fair and it wasn't right.  so i stood up for myself.

yes i know "life isn't fair."  cliche and oh how true. 
and right now, i am doign all of the things on my own.  granted i work less hours and have more bubs time, but it's still the same.  im a total mess for sure, but im not taking care of a grown adult.  just myself and bubs.... ok that's a like, mostly it's just bubs and when i REMEMBER i get taken care of too.

but anyway back to my rant about how awful i am of a person.
J has wanted to see me fail and i havent.
a 4.0 for over a year of my time at school with a hectic and pretty lonely schedule and im done in a few months.  im not stifled by someone who has no ambition or drive to be better.  im on my own, free to be myself and explore and be FREE in general.  but that requires some help.  i mean, shit, i cant do EVERYTHING on my own and without trying to sound like a total C word, bubs isnt just MY kid....

but no.  i ask for flexibility and a break from the exhaustion but i get cursed at and talked down to and degraded... all via text.  in person, the man will grunt a few words at me letting me know how bubs is doing, but via text.... that man can find a whole thesaurus full of delightfully choice ways to call me a bitch, lazy, a liar, a horrible person, deceitful, greedy.... i mean you name it, ive been called it.  i used to fight back.  word for word i would fight until my thumbs were sore.  there's no poitn to that..

today i calmly explained the reality of the situation after being bombarded with such fragrant phrases from him.... and then he stopped until he could find a nastier comeback.

i am oh so very very tired of this.  i mean, a lot of you that i've recently met... you wonder why i am the way i am.... you wonder why i question my value, my appearance, my worth, if you like me for real or not as a person, if im boring or insane.... THIS IS WHY.  for 4 years i was lied to and talked down to and lately it's just become bullying.  there are days where i start out calm, relaxed, and very self assured.  then this happens.  it's so frustrating to find myself making progress only to be knocked backward by  a giant bully.  it sucks.  i try so hard to not let his nonsense effect me, but his lack of help just burns me out more and this absolute NEED to control me is just... no, it's enough and not right.

so you see friends, im writing this to vent about J, yes, but also to poke a little bit of nonsensical insight into my fucked up mental world.  i mean shit, i try to be his friend.... we have a bubs who needs parents that can put her first and understand personal intentions and feelings for the other do not have any place or relevance anymore.... but i dont have that.  trying to be a grown up and reason with a child is next to impossible and severely frustrating.

i hope you all can understand, you being whoever the fuck finds any sort of value in my rambling string of thoughts called a blog.  im hoping one day to have enough armor on to bear the blow of his words that try to tear me down, knock me over, and ruin me.  im getting there.  today i suffered less of a defeat.  today i took a step forward.  no there was no resolution to the issue at hand, but i dont feel like a piece of shit for a human.  because im not.

everyone, be kind.  choose your words wisely and dont hide behind a text message to speak the "truth" to someone.  it's cowardly and absolutely just bullshit. 

everyone has a story and a past and realistically all people just want some form of love and acceptance.  you're not better than anyone else.  you too have a story and want these same things.  extend to others what you desire the most. 

the end of my rambles.